What is it I am searching for?

I guess I am just like everyone else I am in search of love.  But, through my journeys and travels I have begun to realize that Love is not something you find, it is something you give.  It is a wonderful feeling when it is returned willingly, and so very painful when it isn't.  I have read stories of unrequited love where one loves another, but the other is in love with someone else.  As with everything I have been writing to you about, you must start with yourself. You have to do some housecleaning and soul searching to bring yourself to a point of loving yourself, and then you will be capable of loving someone else.

I have been in relationships, some longer than others. Some where I stayed way too long and endured too much. Others where I didn't stay long enough or give the other person the chance they deserved, and those I am sorry for. I have freely given love and rarely had it returned in the same way.  I don't feel that anyone truly understands me or gets me, and that can be very frustrating.  What I desire is simple really, I don't think I am asking too much, or being demanding with what I desire.

So, in a nutshell here is what I desire, someone who gets me, understands where I am coming from and can stimulate my mind.  I want someone who is completely honest with me, no lies, hidden agendas, or half-truths.  I want nothing but the absolute truth no matter if it hurts or not.  I require someone to love me as much as I love them, someone who is willing to demonstrated it and prove it everyday like I am.  Someone who has my back, is my best friend and my confidante, someone I can depend on.  Someone who has similar goals as me and wants to help me build a legacy or future for ourselves.  A person who doesn't want anyone else but me.  I am their desire, the one that completes them and who completes me.

I feel that when you are in love the person you are with, they make you feel whole and when you are away from them you feel broken and weak. They complete you in every sense of the word.  Can finish your sentences, knows what you are thinking and feeling with just one look.  A person who finds me attractive and doesn't desire to look any further than me.  Someone who is strong enough for me to lean on when I am down or weak.  A person who isn't afraid to show me their feelings and talks to me about everything and doesn't mind crying on my shoulder and leaning on me for moral support.

Do you think that I am expecting too much?  Is there anyone out there that can fill this gap in my life.  Or is this just a pipe dream and a fantasy that I will never find.  I have been studying people today and everyone is looking for a leg up, an edge, they are looking for the next big thing to boost themselves up and who cares who they hurt along the way.  The younger generation is bold and thinks that somebody owes them something, and expect handouts and refuses to work hard for what they get.  Most wanna take the short cuts and do stupid things like sell drugs and scam other people.

I have always been attracted to the younger crowd, but I think my tastes are finally shifting and I can say that my preferences are loosening up a bit.  Seems I have been harsh in my judgments and have been unfair to some.  For that I want to apologize, I should have been more understanding and patient but I wasn't and I lost the person forever. They are now back with their ex and I am all alone.

Funny how life works, but here I thought I had given up on finding love and what am I doing I am writing about it.  I was resigned to spend the rest of my life alone and miserable.  I felt that no one would accept me with all my medical issues and other limitations that my illness has brought on me. Yet here I am this very evening opening myself back up and trying to start all over again.

Wish me luck and let me know if you see anyone out there that matches what I am looking for.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Today is the day, a new beginning and a new start!

I have been telling you for a couple of days now that I had to move out of my parents house by this weekend.  Well, try as I may I couldn't really find anything that worked.  The place I looked at for work looked like it was going to fall through, because they wanted a $200.00 deposit on top of the money for the rest of the month.  This would have strapped me totally financially and I wouldn't have food to eat or gas to get too and from work, get to my doctors appointment in Orlando and all the other things I have to get done this week.  However, this morning that changed I paid the prorated rate got the keys and by 6:00 pm tonight I had a majority of the stuff moved out.  But as usual when I plan things they never seem go as planned.  When I got here with my stuff tonight the girl who I had worked out the arrangements met me and said that one of our co-workers had stopped by and told her that I needed to pay the deposit. However, Jodi told me that we would work it out later and let it go.  Now I have to tell you it really upset me because I had gone over this twice and was told both times a deposit wasn't needed.  Anyhow, I am off till Tuesday and I will deal with it then.  

I believe that my parents were surprised because I came home and just started loading up my stuff.  I don't think they were expecting me to move out right away as soon as I had gotten the place.  Originally I had planned to move in on Sunday but since I had the keys and I was a little angry at the fact that everything had changed yet again, I decided to just take possession of the place right away.  Besides which why hesitate, when you are making a move, just do it.  Take the chance and just run with it. Why draw it out?  Even though the timing of the move was ill planned and not really budgeted for, it was something that my boyfriend and I had been discussing and I was going to do it back in August.  He was coming to visit for 3 weeks and I  thought it would have been the perfect opportunity to move it out.  Well, when he didn't come I just stayed at the house besides which I was in and out of the hospital 3 times in August and September so it wouldn't have worked out right anyway.  Even though I still don't understand why my dad waited to the last minute to tell me that I needed to move out.  If I had been forewarned I would have budgeted and prepared myself differently.  As it is for right now I am good.

This is the ending of one phase of my life and the beginning of a new one.  If you read yesterday's blog entry you will begin to understand that I have been going through the reevaluating and readjusting my life, and like I said yesterday once you readjust, reevaluate, realign it is then time to move on.  Like I said yesterday before I left Atlanta I had readjusted my goals, set new ones that were more realistic and achievable. It was just yesterday as I was writing my blog entry that I realized I had accomplished each and every single goal I had set for myself.  So, yes the timing was write for me to get out on my own and start all over again.  The amazing thing about this is that it only took me 8 months to achieve and rebuild everything that I had planned.  I am proud of myself, I have come along way, matured and grown.

Like I told you yesterday each of us comes to a point in our life when we have to make choices and decisions about our future. We have to move on, or grow stagnant, it is my time to move on.  Besides which I wasn't honestly getting a head where I was at. It was impossible for me to save any money in that situation and now I have an opportunity to try again see how much I can put aside for my next move.  See, I decided to take this step of moving out in stages.  Right now I am staying in a hotel property that my company manages, while I am staying here and working I plan on looking for a more permanent place over the next couple of weeks.  By taking this slowly and making an informed decision about this, I know I can find exactly the right place quickly.

I have the luxury of time on this one, but sometimes life isn't as kind when it comes to situations like this.  When life comes at you quickly and you have to make a decision on the spur of the moment. You need to take a leap of faith and move quickly.  Trust that God and the universe will take care of you.  Sometimes the best decisions are the ones that are made in the heat of the moment.  Because you haven't had the time to really think about it and you just move the angels are going to protect you and guide you.  If you have been following my blog all this time you know how life can sneak up on you and throw all sorts of things in your way, just like this.  I was given 9 days to find a place and I accomplished the task and I am safe and comfortable.  Another miracle that happened is that I worked just 1 1/2 extra last week and it gave me enough money to pay for my cell phone, the prorated rate for the rest of the month and still have the money that I need to pay the ticket that I have in GA.

Like I told you yesterday my one regret in all of this is that my boyfriend is not here sharing this adventure with me.  But, like I told you yesterday he has closed me off and hasn't made any contact at all with me.  I even tried calling him today, and left him a message hoping he would call me back.  But once again there has been no response.  I know that in time he will come back to me, I just have to believe in the Lord and trust the love that I feel for him and that I know he feels for me.  But, since he isn't here with me and I haven't been able to get him to talk to me, I guess I am about to embark on this first stage of my journey on my own.  Maybe he will be ready to talk to me as the second phase comes into play.

This weekend is the new start of my new journey and total independence from my parents.  I am going to use this weekend to formulate new strategies and goals for the next 8 months.  Now, is the time for me to embark and embrace the changes that are happening in my life.  I am excited and happy about all of this.  A week or two ago I got up on Monday morning and I changed my status saying that I felt change in the air, and that a new adventure was heading my way, and three days later my father sprung the move on me.  Where I go from here is up to me, I have no one to answer too and the decisions I make from here on out will be of my own design and choosing.  This is an exciting time for me and one I haven't felt in a very long time.

Even if you aren't sure what the future holds for you, and change falls upon you take that step, reach out in faith and know in your heart that you are going to be okay. That nothing can hurt you! Take the time to reevaluate your situation, and if time permits, look at the situation from all angles and choose a path, be confident that your decision is going to be the right one.  Remember what I told you once, maybe the reason all the doors before you seem to be closed is so that you can open the right one, because every time one adventure ends another begins.

I am looking forward to this journey, I want to prove to myself that I can do it, I can make it, that my failure in Atlanta last year was not a trend or pattern that I am going to continue to repeat.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Why are some of us travelers and others are builders? Even today we still have our nomads..read and see what I mean

Well for those of you who are avid readers of my blog you will note that September was an awful month for me with tons of set backs and of course the blog suffered for it greatly.  As many of you are aware I took an unexpected trip to Atlanta that didn't turn out at all as was planned or expected. However, I will say that a few decent things came out of the trip, some are note worthy and will be explored more in-depth here in the annals of blogdom.  However for today's entry I want to take you on the trip that I had to see the doctor this morning.  Because for some reason on these trips is when my brain seems to go into hyper-drive and I think of some of the most obscure and deep rooted thoughts.  Maybe it is the open road and my love to travel that opens my mind up to the inner and outer awareness and consciousness that I need to focus my mind and intellect into.

Whatever the reason, I took it into my head to explore my incessant need to move around to not plant roots of a lasting sort.  While it is true that in my younger years I was content to grow as Orlando grew, I soon realized that there was much more to the world than my little pond and I wanted to see it and explore it first hand.  I believe it is for that reason alone that I joined the Navy right after high school and was disappointed with the fact that I got assigned to a ship that was in dry dock and undergoing refit for active duty.  The last time my ship had seen any action was for a few years during the Korean War.  She had been mothballed shortly after WWII and was activated for a brief tour during the Korean War only to be put back away in the Naval shipyards once more.  It wasn't until President Reagan decided that we needed a 600 ship fleet to protect our country that the mothballs were put away and she was rolled back into active duty. I was fortunate to be a member of the precommissioning unit, and was made a plank owner of the U.S.S. Wisconsin (BB-64) the last of the Iowa class battleships.  Being a plank owner gives you certain rights and a piece of history to boot.  We were each given a piece of the original teak deck and our names are forever written in the history books as members of the team that brought the old girl back to life.

My need for travel and the exploring of the world would have to wait for several years but it was worth the wait I can tell you.  I experienced a different sort of Navy than most traditional sailors. I was made a flag member of the MWR team (Morale, Welfare and Recreation) I had the captain, command Master Chief and the XO's ears, I had meetings with Admirals and other Captains and did things that no other 20 year olds can claim to have done.  I got to travel before the ship to exotic ports and set up recreational activities for the crew and I had a power that was unparalleled. I came in on the ground floor of the movement and was in charge of everything.  It was hard to leave that post and move on, yet I did.  Only to head back to it over and over again throughout my career.  I received a Navy Achievement medal for my conduct and activities and my name was well known throughout the Navy. I parlayed the networking skills that I learned in the Navy to different occupations I held after I got out and I can't complain, I did pretty well for myself all things considered.

But, my story doesn't end there, I returned to Orlando after the Navy to battle cancer, but was only there for a short time before I moved on to the big city life of Atlanta. I found myself working for different Governor's and holding quite of bit of power for a little time.  However, as all good things do it passed.  I got sick again with Cancer and Radiation disease from my treatments with the first bout of cancer.  In the blink of an eye everything I had worked for and built up disappeared around me.  This was the first time that I realized how fragile and fleeting life can be.  But also how wondrous and fulfilling it can be at the same time. See, I learned that a person can live a lifetime in just 10 short years and accomplish things that take others a lifetime to build.  I also saw how fast it all can disappear depending on the situation and circumstance one finds themselves in.  Years have now passed since then and I am embarking on a new chapter of life and a new phase, yet the transitory calling of my nature is still there.  I often wonder what my life would have been like if I would have stayed in Orlando and did things differently.  One thing I realize is that I wouldn't have met some of the most extraordinary people that I have met in my life, nor would I have cultivated the vast network of friendships that I have amassed over the years.  See I count myself lucky, I am in contact with most of the people I went to High School with and served in the Navy with.  This is something that was brought about by the internet and Facebook.  But, also through the endeavors of those of us that struggled to find and reconnect using the tools available to us as provided by the current technology.

The world hasn't changed much except that information is now more available than it ever was, yet, it is still controlled by the powerful and what was once opened, is now becoming closed.  It has taken me a while to understand that life is but a series of cycles and circles that repeat at intervals, that our lives are nothing but a series of patterns that we follow.  Let me digress here for a brief moment, because my background is in Information Technology, the Internet and E-commerce. However, something amazing and yet heinous is happening with our technology.  See we went from single computers that were housed in a single unit, like the TRS-80 which was one of the first computers I learned to program on back in the 80's. Now in 2012, I see that All-in-one computers are making a come back. However, with some minor adjustments.  There are now hard drives and wireless cards, modems and network cards installed on all of the new machines, things that were not even thought of in the past.  However, it is plain that technology that society is embracing is that from an older era.  Cloud computing is just another utilization of what was once called main-frames and smart terminals.  There was a time when the main frame was connected by dumb terminals, but now each computer has it's own processor and access to the internet or what it is morphing into.  There once was a time when the information super highway was just that a series of webpages posted in the ether that could be reached by addresses.  Now we are back to fencing off that open area with our smart phones and apps.  Fences and walls are being built around the point of service. This is to provide instant and reliable information, with less loss of data.  See in the old days when we used the web to get around packets were sometimes lost, this was deemed acceptable at time because information was the goal. Today we want information at our fingertips with speed and accuracy hence the advent of apps to bring that data to you through a closed platform isolated and separate from the information stored on the world wide web.

If you are following what I am talking about you will begin to see that the old is coming back with just a different bit of style and sophistication added to it, more bells and whistles, but it is the same and the information and data is once again being controlled by corporations like Google, Apple, Yahoo and others.  But, this is just one point of many that I want to make, what comes around goes around as the old saying goes.  Soon you will be seeing other things from earlier years making a comeback and the nostalgia buffs in us will embrace it, however, don't be fooled into thinking that anything new or genuine is being offered to you because it really isn't, they are just dressing up what was done before and repackaging it for greater exposure and the capture of the almighty buck.    But let's continue talking about what I really wanted to talk to you about in this blog entry, before I digressed.

What I wanted to talk to you about was how you find some people that have lived in an area their whole life, they never wanted change or to experience anything different from what they had expected.  I am not one of those people, I was born a nomad of some sort apparently because I have no roots or ties to any one area. Yet,  I have family and friends that have never left Pennsylvania nor do they plan too. They have made their life there and have been content and successful.

I could see if my family was close to a big city and career opportunities, but they weren't they remained and maintained a life in the rural and suburban areas of the state. I wonder how they accomplished that, I often think they are the lucky ones, the ones that will have a legacy to leave once they are gone, what will I have to show for my time on this planet.  Not much, no family home to leave to a relative or excess of money from my pursuits.  The only thing that I will leave behind when I go is the legacy of my writing which I found late in my life.  So what makes me different from my family, why were my parents different from their siblings and family and what caused them to move around and strive to build something away from the nuclear family unit that gave them life and sustained them.  Now, one thing that I have recognized is that the family that remained behind remains close, they communicate with each other and get together when it is possible.  Those of us that have drifted away from the core family are not included in these events or get together's and I am wondering if it just happened that way or was there a bond that was severed when the family moved away.  It is impossible for me to tell you at this point as this is just something that I started thinking about today.  I can tell you that when my grandmother was alive things were different. It seemed that as the Matriarch of the family she held it together with her will and love alone and when she passed the communication and closeness of the family seemed to suffer greatly. Though others have tried to pull the family back together over the years after her passing it seemed like an impossible task.

What I have learned is this the family that remained behind and close, have a network between them that supports and uplifts them. They help each other and have a fellowship that those of us that have moved away lack.  Not saying that our satellite families are not close, because my family is pretty close and we all talk often.  But, it is the aunts, uncles, cousins, and other family members that we lack contact with.  Our roots have been shunted and we drift aimlessly.  Or at least in my case that is what I do.  As I said earlier, I was thinking on the drive over to the doctors today why did I choose to move around and not plant roots?  Why am I still without a base of operations and I am in my mid 40's now?  Answer, is that I don't have the extensive family network that my nuclear family has, I am not as connected to my cousins, aunts and uncles like I was when I was younger and my grandmother was still alive.  I also realized that my goals and perceptions were different from the rest of the family. They wanted to have children, homes and grow together, and I chose to follow money and my own personal glory instead of investing in family and home and a base of operations.  This I believe is where I have made the choice and this is the place to which it has led me.

I can only speak from personal experience and from what I have seen in my own life, but those of us that uproot and move ourselves away from the core family are transitory in nature, nomads by choice and choose to follow money, glory, fame or recognition.  Sometimes the path that our feet initially are place are by our parents and you have to find your own way back to the core family if you want to experience the growth and life of having one.  I was seven years old when my dad moved my family halfway across the nation to start a new life, it isn't till now that I actually have thought about what that decision meant and what path it put me on.  Had I take the time to consider what I was doing with my life and explored a little more on my own I might have come to the realization much sooner in my life.  I am not sorry for what I have accomplished or where I have been, nor what I am still yet to do, I just see that the choice that was made all those years ago could have been undone by my making a conscious choice to go back and find out. Yet, I chose to follow the nomadic path that I was on and chase after the money.  Funny about that is once you find it and achieve it, there never seems enough and you are driven to other things.  I was fortunate that fate or God took an active role in my life at the point in which he did, because I could still be in that world and bashing my head against the grind and striving to make more, have more and attain more and never be truly happy.

I learned back in 2007 that easy come easy go, see I have had my fortune, built it spent, built it again and lost it.  But in the process I was never satisfied and I always wanted more, strove to do better, it became a game and an obsession and it could have easily destroyed me, but because my health took a turn and things worked out differently for me, I have learned and what I have learned I became determined to share with others.  So I started helping those around me that were less fortunate than I was, and guess what I found everyone was less fortunate than I and I still messed things up. Gave away more than I could and hurt myself in the process. However, it was well worth it for the lessons that I have learned and now I help hundreds more in my new way than I ever could doing it single handed and headless of my own regard. See I took what Jesus did literally and tried to walk and help the down trodden, what I didn't know was how easily it was to become a target and labelled a sucker.  But again, I cannot and will not complain about anything I have been through because I learned and that is what life is all about.

The point that I want to make to you is this, you have choices that are open to you that you may not even be aware of.  If you want to build a lasting family and home then that is what you should focus on. The money and other things will come once your priorities are in order.  Trust me when I say that God provides because believe me he always does, and it comes when you need it the most and you least expect it.  Be open to change, embrace it, trust me it is nothing to fear and only good can come from it.  Take each experience you have and learn from them. Grow from them and build upon them, and you will see that you are well on your way on the philosophers journey toward enlightenment and spiritual wisdom.  Nothing is ever what it seems, but always take things at face value and when you find the hidden meaning you will grow from it like I did.  Money is not the end all be all and doesn't ensure happiness.  The search for it and the seeking of it can be your undoing.

Be wary of the path your are on, ask yourself questions and grow that is what we are here for.  You can make a difference in the world no matter where you are at.  In a small town or in a big city, it is all up to you and how you handle the things that life throws at you.  Keep in mind that anything worth having is never easy to achieve, and if it was you wouldn't appreciate it anyway. So work hard, live hard, and play fair and have fun. That is what life is all about.

As always my thoughts and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Stop being so hard on yourself, the bruises aren't pretty!

I am not sure how I want to put this, but lately I have been thinking about how hard we are on ourselves.  We judge ourselves to a different standard than we hold other's too.  Why is that? Do we think we are better than others? Or do we just like beating ourselves up?  Do we let other people slide because we think they are incapable of doing a job better than us?  Honestly, I think it is more out of insecurity and frustration that we continue to beat ourselves up.  We take it to heart when we don't live up to our own expectations and we rush to judgement on ourselves and consider setbacks as failures.  We all do! You know you do, don't you?  You are your own worse critic, you don't like anything you do, and you constantly think that you could have done it better if you would have just tried harder, or whatever excuse it is that you tell yourself.

The problem is we are harsh with ourselves and we are awful quick to jump to the conclusion that we have failed at whatever task it is that didn't live up to our expectations.  The problem with doing this is your are constantly focusing on the negative, you are painting yourself into thinking you are a failure, you are belittling yourself and undermining your own self-esteem and worth.  If you are constantly doing that to yourself, and you second guess every task you undertake, what do you think others around you are going to think?  Before long everyone around you starts to see you as you do, and it becomes a cycle of abuse and cruelty.  I know that there are some of you out there that think everything must be done perfectly, that if you are off just a smidgen, then your whole project is a ruin and a failure.  Let me fill you in on something, do you know that perfectionism is just a form of procrastination? It really is folks, and guess what, you give a task to a perfectionist and it will never be completed, unless you step in and force them to end their work, because to them, it will never be perfect and therefore it cannot be completed.

I know it is easy to look at yourself and wonder why you aren't further ahead in life, and how you can beat yourself up over little things that shouldn't bother you. I can also understand why you feel that everything you do ends up wrong.  You have have set yourself up into a pattern of abuse that you need to break out of.  It might be something that you have been carrying around for years, it has become so ingrained in your daily life you don't even recognize it anymore.  Or someone in your life has criticized everything you have done and told you that you did it wrong, or you could have done it faster or better this way, or they go out of their way to make you feel bad just about everything that you do.  If any of this is true for you then you need to keep reading, because it isn't true that you are stupid, or dumb, or an idiot, what it means is that you have done something a different way than that other person, and they don't like it. They want to control you and manipulate you and they found that they can do that by using guilt or criticism to wound you.  See, there are those out there that cannot stand to see another person succeed they are so arrogant and set in their ways that they cannot accept that someone could possibly come along and do something any way that is different from their way.  But as I told you the other day there is no wrong or right way to handle a problem or situation, it is just a matter of perspective and working out the details and coming up with a workable solution.  

People that want to control you or manipulate you prey on your fears and weaknesses, they spite you and laugh at you when they are secretly envious, they want to hold you back and make you feel inferior to them because it gives them a rush and makes you feel like you are a failure. These are the people that you have to cut from your life, they are truly undermining your self-esteem and worth, they aren't doing anything for you and keeping you from realizing your own true potential. How can you honestly feel good about your accomplishments or even have a sense of fulfillment in a completed job if everyone around you is telling you that you are no good and nothing you ever do is right. Don't let yourself be caught up in this trap.  Because once you have fallen into it, it becomes so easy to stay there.  I can honestly tell you, that you may have already fallen into the trap in your youth or childhood and that is why you berate and belittle yourself now.  So if you are following me so far, you can see that there are two ways in which you fall into this pattern of behavior, the first is that you are always so hard on yourself that everyone around you begins to judge and see you as you do. Or you have people that have torn apart your self-esteem and question how you do everything.  In both cases the end result is the same, you find yourself always feeling that your best is never good enough and that everything you do fall short of your expectations.

But going back to my original question why are we so hard on ourselves?  The reason is because we have no confidence in the decisions we make or the actions we do.  So my advice to you is to start to do things for yourself, prove to yourself that you can do anything you set your mind too.  That you don't need anyone else's approval or appreciation.  A line from one of my favorite movies is " I have taught myself how to cook, clean, sew, fix a pipe, and pat myself on the back, just so I don't have to ask you to do it".  This should be your motto too. I want you to remember you have nothing to prove to anyone but yourself.  You are your own person, and let's face it you came into the world naked and alone, and we all leave exactly the same way, naked and alone.  So to look for someone else's approval or opinion of what we do is really not worth it at all.

I want you to take pride in all that you do, even if it isn't perfect.  You know why because nothing ever is perfect, if it was we would have nothing to worry about or stress over. I also want you to look closely in the mirror and tell yourself you have come this far all on your own, you can succeed because you don't need anyone.  When you try to please everyone at the same time you end up making some of them happy, but not all, the only person you are guaranteed to make happy all the time is yourself, but that is if you do for yourself and don't care what anyone else around you thinks.  I have told you before when you let someone else dictate how you feel or makes you feel guilty in some way then you have given them way too much power over you, and you need to take that power back.  Further, when you feel like berating yourself or getting mad because something didn't go exactly as planned, you need to really look at it and give yourself credit for accomplishing the task at all.

You must respect and love yourself and accept that you are not perfect, none of us are, so why do you expect everything you do to be perfect?  Now I ask you to cut yourself some slack just like you would someone else, because you are just like them.  Put forth your best effort and be content with the result, build up your confidence and self-esteem and you will see that life starts getting a bit easier for you and your stress level will drop lower.  You will start to feel good about yourself and the negative that you have been holding will be released and as that happens it will be replaced with the positive.  Once the positive starts flowing in your life and mind the more will be attracted too it.  Have faith in your abilities and know that you have given your best. Let go of the small things and cling to what you have done and you will be so much happier in your life.

Stop beating yourself up, stop belittling yourself and give yourself the respect and praise that you deserve, and I promise you those around you will start to do the same, and if they don't let them go and move on, because you and only you have your best interest at heart.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

You need to adjust and lower your expectations

The last four entries have been dealing with relationships and dealing with the problems that might come up in them. Which I included families and how they form the basis of a support network. I want to round out the series with discussing expectations.  For it seems to me that rigidity and flawed expectations seem to be a cause of our own inability to adjust to what life and relationships throw at us.  I have stressed that in order for relationships to be successful and long lasting it needs to be based on  trust, communication, friendship, open mindedness and the flexibility to adjust to change.  Keep in mind that when two people come together, they have their own ideas, habits and customs that they are used to.  By adjusting and lowering your expectations can make living with another person so much easier.

What I am trying to say here is that if you have preset or preconceived notions about how a relationship should be like, there is nothing but disappointment and pain in your future.  You may find someone that you care about but how long will it last when you are constantly fighting, criticizing, and nitpicking your partner.  Another thing you need to think about is your happiness and that of your partner. If you both set your goals so high that they are unattainable and have expectations that are unreasonable, I don't see how you two are possibly going to get anywhere and you are going to start to have regrets and before you know it you are going to be going at each other trying to assign whose to blame for failing to reach your common goals.

I believe that each relationship has to have reachable and realistic goals in order for contentment and happiness to be attained and maintained.  I also maintain that if you have inflexible and rigid expectations you are never going to be satisfied with anything that you have or will gain, it is further going to push your goals into the realm of unreachable.  It is important to understand that your expectations on a situation, affect the way you plan and reach for your goals.  Often you have a preconceived notion that you base your feelings on and when a person doesn't live up to those expectations, you come down hard on that person. Your expectations are how you perceive something, it is the mental guide on which you judge everything.  When your expectations are set so high, and you have an idea of how things should go, and they don't go that way, your reaction is going to be one of disappointment and anger.

We all go into a relationship with a preconceived notion of how it should be.  When things don't live up to those expectation, the disappointment grows, and if your partner continues to fail to live up to your expectation, you start building resentments, and before you know it every little thing starts to irritate you.  Your relationship becomes unstable and forward movement toward your mutual goals grinds to a halt.  If you don't address it quickly and efficiently the everyday becomes routine and mundane, lethargy sets in and depression.  The next thing you know you two are fighting all the time and the relationship crashes in a bitter and dreadful manner with feelings getting hurt on both sides.

In the entry I wrote about handling problems I stressed over and over again that you need to keep an open mind about things, you need to be flexible, adaptable and willing to change.  You must be adventurous and willing to explore new options.  It is important that your expectations be realistic so that you can set reasonable and achievable goals.  I guess in a way I am trying to say that your goals and expectations must be aligned inside the relationship and without. You need to work together and accept each other for who you are.  How can you say that you love someone in one breathe and then in the next try to change them, into what you think they should be.  Because if you think about it, if the person does end up changing then they are not the person you were in love with any longer and in all actuality everything will have to change.  Expectations can be brutal things that can tear a relationship apart.

Have you ever felt that for every one step forward, you take five steps back?  If so that means that your expectations and goals are unrealistic and might actually be impossible to attain. You must adjust them accordingly before you finally give in to depression and throw in the towel.  If you are a person that continually compares where you are at and who you are with to your past you are going to find that neither the place or the person live up to what you think they should. Memories are things that we polish up and idolize, and nobody can compete with a memory, so you constantly find yourself disappointed.  No relationship can possibly withstand constant comparison to the past, further no goal can be reached if you keep living in the past and not moving forward.

I believe you that you need to take each person that you have a relationship with on their own merits. I do realize how hard it is to keep from comparing them to your exes, but if you continue to do it, your current partner is going to get the impression that you aren't over your ex and start to feel insecure, and if that happens there is no way possible for them to live up to the ideal that you have in your mind of the perfect companion.  I think you may also find after several failed relationships that what you had once thought of as the ideal relationship doesn't actually exist at all.  That you have been fooling yourself, and pushing people away from you because of your constant comparisons to your past, and because you are so set in your ways that you can't share your life with another person.  I also think that your current partner is going to begin to feel a certain way about themselves and you. They are going to begin to feel that nothing they do is good enough for you, and that you just want more and more.  They begin to feel stress and anxiety about this because they are doing their best and apparently in your eyes it is not enough.

Any goal that you are trying to reach is going to be always just out of reach because you haven't learned how to appreciate what you have. If you don't learn how to be content with where you are at in life and appreciate what you have achieved then how can you truly be happy, and if you aren't happy with yourself how can you be happy with anyone else.  All because of your preconceived notions and expectations you are going to drive yourself and others crazy, and before you know it you are going to be all alone wondering what you did.

I hope you understand that all I am trying to tell you that we each have certain expectations and ideas about how things should be done, and if we don't adjust our way of thinking we are going to continue to drive others away from us.  Any goal we might possibly achieve is going to be disappointing and we are never going to be happy with what we have accomplished because in our minds we haven't ever achieved the place or thing that we truly wanted.  You must let go of the past to move on to the future, you cannot have a successful relationship if you continually compare them to your ex, and you are never going to be able to keep anyone with you if your expectations are so high that they couldn't possibly live up to them.

I hope you can understand how I have been trying to relate how expectations and goals are tied together, and how one can damage the other, and how when not dealt with together can result in constant disappointment and loneliness.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B