Intolerance and Hatred Not welcome

Earlier tonight someone posted something on my Facebook page which I took very seriously.  For anyone who knows me, they will tell you that I am one of the sweetest and kindest people that they know. I have over 300 signatures and comments in my high school yearbook that will back me up when I tell you this, plus I have many friends from high school that will further attest to knowing me for years and that I am a solid individual who hasn't changed a bit since high school.

But there are several things that I will not tolerate and one of them is hate in any form.  If you have  problem with my sexual orientation or my being gay/homosexual then you need to keep that information to yourself because after living with this for 50 years I have found peace with it.  Whatever your personal opinion is, mine is that being gay/homosexual is not a preference, it is not an illness, and isn't a decision that any sane person would make for their lifestyle.

If anyone has a difference of opinion they are ignorant and full of intolerance and bigotry and they are not welcome in my world or sphere of influence.  Your opinion is not something that needs to be shared to me or to any of my readers, we have been through too much to hear your rhetoric, and we do not care what your opinion is because as far as I am concerned there is something terribly wrong with you.

Now this person didn't just go on to say that being gay was my personal choice, they brought my mother into the conversation and stated that I made a conscious choice to ignore her advice and that I went on to do just what felt good to me.  I am sorry, this person knows me and my medical history. She used to work for my doctor's office and for her to state a blatant lie like that offended me to the core.

Not only does this woman not know my mother or my father, she put her own personal bias on my page unsolicited because she disagreed with me and my desire to bring my extended family together and to create an environment of love and laughter.  To me this is highly problematic because Mommas House for Wayward Homosexuals is a dream that me and hundreds of my friends have talked about for years.  For her to state something negative about a place that is being developed out of love, without expectations and recriminations of the past is shameful at best.

My followers and readers know that I have had extensive bowel issues, cancer that has destroyed my large and small intestines, which alone has caused me great deal of personal issues and anxiety in regards to my standing in the gay and straight community,  and had me feeling isolated, lost, alone, alienated and unlovable. 

You dare to come on my page JoAnn Duran and spout your nonsense hurts me to the core and has left me with very little regard for you and your ignorance.  I lashed out at you because your own son is one of my closest friends and has spent hours and hours around me and has no personal problem with my sexual orientation or my identification as being gay, even though I don't have sex in that manner and haven't since 2008.

Whether you consider me gay, straight, neuter or otherwise is your personal opinion and I recommend that you keep it to yourself.  You and I have talked on numerous occasions in the past and you have never brought any of your contempt or hate up to me verbally, for you to do so on Facebook is cowardice and shameful.  I am embarrassed for you and I hope that you understand that Intolerance and Bigotry and Hatred are not welcome here!  I have fought my entire life against society and people like you who have a warped opinion of reality, who refuse to see the truth of the situation and cling to the belief that Gay is a Choice.

Let me be the first to enlighten you!  It is not a choice, it is not a lifestyle that is accepted or easy to live, and unless you have tried it you wouldn't understand the prejudice, hatred and pressure we get from everyone around us that want us to be just like them.  No matter how hard I have struggled, endured and come through, I still wouldn't want to be someone like you a bitter lonely woman whose own son has used and abused,  for the sake of his drug addiction. 

Your words struck a chord in me and caused me to lash out towards you, to fall back from them and re-assess who I thought you were.  I once thought you were a friend, someone who understood me and accepted me as a person.  I never knew that you harbored such feelings against me as I saw glaring off Facebook this evening.  I am overwhelmed with pity for you and feel sorry that you have missed out on love and companionship of people like me. Because there is definitely something broken inside of you to make you think less of a person because of their personal identity.

I do mean personal identity, because no other term fits my description.  I have not participated in Gay Sex or Straight Sex in years, yet I have a boyfriend whom I love with all my heart, I have been by his side for 5 years and I had another boyfriend before him whom I was with for 10 years and just one more before him that I was with for 12 1/2 years.  I am not promiscuous or prone to having multiple sexual partners.  I find someone who similar tastes and beliefs as myself and who enjoys being in my company and I in his. 

I didn't wake up one day and just decide that I wanted to be gay, that it was cool or fun.  It certainly wasn't for the pleasure because let me explain, it had nothing to do with sexual gratification it has been more about who I felt more comfortable being around, and who I could express myself around totally.  I many not be your run of the mill gay person, and I may not have a conventional relationship because it is based on something other than sex because me and my partner haven't had the luxury of participating in that event since my colon cancer and loss of my anus and large intestines.

I define myself by a sense of belonging to a community of individuals who are like minded who are attracted to members of the same sex, and I love as hard and as deeply as those with sexual relations.  Unfortunately, I am unable to participate in the activity in the way or manner that I like so I tend to avoid it now. I have come through some dark times, battled depression and I have come to terms with my limitations and yet I still identify myself as being gay.

Whatever your opinion is of my lifestyle I am telling you to keep it out of your mouth and off of my page.  I have dealt with people like you my entire life and I will fight you and I will tell the world your sad little story if you want me too and you know I know it.  I don't want to make this a war, because I am sure you don't want your personal business spread out for the world to judge and see.  But that is the major difference between you and me.  See I have been in the Gay Community and a leader in it since 1986 here in Orlando, Atlanta, Los Angeles and Dallas, I organized the first gay pride march in downtown Orlando, was instrumental in starting Gay Days at Disney and instead of hiding myself I have been out there on the front line, I know what hatred is, and I have battled against intolerance.  I am and advocate for equality, and gay unions, and I am a public speaker.  I am an award winning author who wrote the play "The Changing Face of AIDS" and I am a member of the Positive Champions Speaker's Bureau who teaches and battles the myths and misconceptions the public has against HIV/AIDS.  I am not some quiet person who doesn't have a voice.

I have published many articles, stories and poems, have even penned some science fiction in my time.  My blog Uncle B's Corner has over 2 million visitors and read in every country in the world.  I have a platform and a forum. I also am attuned to my writers voice and I know that you are hurting inside yourself and don't like you own life, but you have no right to place your burdens on me or my readers. 

As I have said before and I mean it.  Your Intolerance and Hate is not welcome here and if you don't have something positive and constructive to say I invite you to stop reading my blog, and my Facebook post because they are intended for my friends, and people who care about what is going on with me and what is happening in my life.  Middle aged old bitter women with hidden agenda's personal bias and bigotry are not welcome here!!!

My name is Bryan Zepp, I am known as Uncle B and I write about my own personal life and experiences.  I talk about issues that impact my life and I try to help people avoid the mistakes that I have made and try to soften the hurt that they might feel if they screw up.  I am here to make people feel good about themselves and who they are.  I preach love, happiness and light.  I eschew negativity, hatred and idle prattle that means nothing.  No one has the right to invade my space with their own bias, let alone their own rhetoric of intolerance.  If I wanted that I would listen to mainstream media and espouse the national solidarity which I find utterly laughable.  The Moral Majority with the anti-gay marriage stance is archaic and belongs in the middle ages.  We are no longer saved by the law. We are cleansed and saved by Grace.  Spoken by the apostles all over the new testament.  The old covenant between God and Abraham was done away when the temple veil was torn in two and Christ died on the cross.  If you are a true Christian and believe in the resurrection of Christ then I advise you to pull your head out of your ass and read the new testament of the Bible where you will learn that We are now saved by Grace and washed clean by the Blood of the Lamb.  We no longer need intercessors we have a direct link to Heaven through Jesus Christ the Son of God.

He who hath ears let them hear, He who hath eyes let them see.  God is giving us a chance to change our fate and save our world.  We have it in our power to change the course that we are on.  Jesus only preached love, compassion, understanding and tolerance. The world would be such a greater, safer and happier place if we all just learned that simple lesson and accepted one another for who and what we are and embraced each other in love and kindness.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Age is an issue

Facebook is a great way for people to keep in touch, track down people that have been absent from their lives for years.  But it is also a way for us to keep up to date on things that are happening to people we care about and what they are facing. I am one who hesitates to engage in conflict, but I am not the type of person who shies away from it when it comes my way.  The past several days I have been sitting at home and I have been thinking, reminiscing about my past, reflecting on what I have been through and planning for what I am am facing.  When a friend of mine shared pictures of himself and a simple statement about age, I saw it and thought about what was written and the pictures that were posted.  Then I started reading the comments and what I found troubled me a bit, because I knew exactly what the others were saying, I have felt the way that they are, were feeling. And in my youth I actually participated in the very practice that I am about to write about.

I like to think of myself as a pioneer, a person who puts themselves out there in the forefront and helps blaze a trail for others to follow.  How could I know that simple actions that I had in my youth would impact the lives of others so deeply.  Only now in retrospect can I see that many of the things that I did in my youth have had a resounding effect on others, and that I was one of the people that help inspire and bring about change throughout the LGBTQ community. Yet I am one of the people in this world that is causing a problem and a break in our community.  Though today my ideas are a little different then they were years ago, I still find that I am an ageist.  This is troubling to me because I have so many friends that are my own age and I care about them, but only once in my entire life did I date someone the same age or older than myself. 

Like many in the community I believed that it was my preference to date younger people, but in a sense it was a blinder that I was wearing, I was looking at the outside person and not the package as a whole.  I was one of those high maintenance queens that searched for perfection and could pinpoint ones flaws and faults within minutes of meeting them.  I was shallow and vapid though I thought that my opinions and thoughts mattered.  But a hard life lesson was soon to come my way.  It first struck me at the age of 24 and literally robbed me of my 20's and 30's and scared me mentally and physically for life.  It left me an outcast in the community that I helped mold and create, and today I stay on the fringes of it.  I still consider myself part of the gay community, but I refrain from many of the things that I should still be involved in.  Because somewhere inside of me is the deep abiding fear that I am not perfect and therefore not worthy of love and acceptance into the community that I love and dedicated my life to building.

When I got sick with cancer and then ended up with not 1 but 2 colostomy bags, I turned away ashamed of my body and my broken form.  I secluded myself and sought refuge in drugs and other means to escape the fear of persecution.  Yet, repeatedly human nature has surprised me and I have found friends and sometimes companions along the way.  I have more scares than most, have had more surgeries than most, and I still have the fear that I can't be accepted for me because somewhere in my mind I have decided that people in the gay community are discriminatory against those that don't fit the ideal image of perfection.  Though I have found and joined groups that accepted me limitation, scars and illness and all.  I have found friends when I never thought I would and I have found a sort of peace within myself that I never thought I would because of my battered and broken body.  I have even found people who don't see me as damaged but as bright and shiny star of hope and comfort.  These are things that I would never have thought possible.

But as I was reading my friends post and the comments I realized that there is still a problem with age in the community, that the young still look at those of us with age and have prejudice.  I have come to the realization that I don't look at people the way that I used to, yes I still look at physical appearance, but that is not the person. I have had the unfortunate experience to love a beautiful looking man who was very ugly and dark inside and that made me realize the truth in the adage "you can't judge a book by it's cover".  Yet, my own insecurities continue to hold me in a pattern. I am afraid to put myself out there again and hope that someone can look past the body and see the person on the inside.  I sit in the house day after day and I watching TV, reading and avoiding the truth.  I am lonely, and afraid, these are my truths. Yet, I continue on and do what is expected of me.

Yet, something that my friends wrote stirred in me a desire to once again get out there and make a change in my life.  In doing so I hope that I can inspire others to do the same.  Life for the gay population is different now then when I was growing up.  I have learned that the superficial is not the way to look at another person. Maybe there are others out there that have begun to see that too.  Maybe it is only something that happens with age and wisdom, but I hope not.  I think that if I were to step out of my comfort zone and do something about my situation I might others doing the same.  I am beginning to understand my limitations, accept my physical appearance, and instead of hiding the person that I am.  I am letting the world see the person that I have become. I live my life by example and have been doing so a long time. I write about my life here in the blog, and I talk about my differences to everyone I meet.  My story is one of survival, it is one of hope, and it is one of comfort.  I have lived with 6 terminal illnesses for a long time now and I have done so with courage, and against overwhelming odds. I do it with a smile and a positive attitude that everyone notices.  So, if I can change and look at my mistakes with grace, knowing that I cannot change what I have been and done in the past, I certainly can make adjustments and do something about it in my future.

So I have taken to writing this piece about age.  I have never let it define me or limit my actions. I have taken care of the things that I must and have been there when others have needed me. But that is not all to my life.  When replying to my friends post, I was reminded of the things that I have done in my past, the accomplishments that I have made, and the triumphs, as well as the defeats.  But in all of this I have been a motivator and an instigator for change.  I have been as I put it a pioneer and I have done things that at the time seemed inconsequential, yet had far ranging affects on my peers and those that have come after me.  I may not have been able to rescue everyone, I haven't been able to save the world, or help as many people as I had wanted too.  But in my life there have been thousands of lives that I have touched and I have helped and they are out there. They know what I have done for them and I am not asking for any praise or thanks.  I am looking to those people to help me spread the word that age is a number, physical beauty is a thing that fades with time, and that we must look at the persons heart, soul and attitude to find the things that we are missing in our own lives.  A friend found a sense of belonging and community in his church, he found acceptance and he also found a feeling of wholeness and completion the likes that I have never really felt other than in fleeting times.

Yes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but there are things that you need to think about before you wrinkle up your nose at the affections and attentions another casts your way.  Don't let their age be a detractor, because with age comes experience, wisdom and understanding and with those things comes the added bonus of compassion.  I don't know how to change the world or change how the gay community looks at one another, but I can tell you that without my friends of age I wouldn't have made it as far as I have in life.  I wouldn't have been able to face the uncertain times that I have come through or had the strength to persevere when all about me seemed bleak.  I have come through some dark times and very rough medical situations and I have become a stronger person because of them and their advice.  I never gave the appropriate thanks to those that came before me.  The ones that fought for gay rights, however, I have performed in the play Stonewall and celebrated those lives.  It is unfortunate that many of the younger generation know very little to nothing of the days of the 60's and 70's that gave rise to our "Gay Movement" of the 80's and the "Equality Movement" of the 90's and 2000's.  What I can honestly say is that I am grateful to have been a part of those times, I wouldn't change my involvement and actions in anyway. 

So here I sit and I want to begin a new movement, be a voice for compassion and understanding and hopefully change the way the younger generation thinks and feels about us the old guys.  I am tired of being a Yuck or Gross.  I am still an attractive person and I have more to offer today more now than ever.  I am stronger and wiser.  Age hasn't made me less fun, I still can keep up with the 20 years that still are in my life.  But I am not looking for love there anymore either.  I have tried repeatedly to find it in the younger generation and have been left wanting and disappointed.  I am tired of feeling like I am being used and unappreciated.  I am comfortable with who I have become and I have surprised myself that there are those out there that find me attractive and have shown some interest in getting to know me.  Honestly, with my medical situation the way it is I am not really hoping for any new developments, but I am learning that my time isn't always the right time.  I have faith in God and His plan for my life, and if He decides to put a new face in my equations then who am I to argue or find fault.  At least I know that I am not alone right now, I have friends, and people that care about me, and I am not far from my family if something happens that I should need them. 

Let me remind those out there that old is not ugly, old is not boring, old isn't anything but a state of mind.  I am one that can talk about this, I am almost 50 now, and I still do things that I did when I was in my late 20's and things I should have done in my 30's but because I had cancer and missed almost all of those years, it took me some catching up to do.  I have a unique perspective about things because I experienced a lot of them later in life than most.  I found knowledge and wisdom in older friends when I was going through some really tough medical issues.  Those friendships have enabled me to survive and adapt.  It is the job of us that lived through the 80's till now to enlighten those that are younger and teach them about the past and the hardships that we and those before us had to endure.  Gay pride is not a marketing theme, though lately it seems to have become commercialized, no it is a time to celebrate our heritage, our loss, and to remember those that were taken from us early by AIDs.  It is also a time to celebrate the victories that were won and the sacrifices that were made to get us to the place we are at today.  Not only do us of age have things that we can teach the younger generation, we can show them understanding and compassion, offer guidance, and wisdom and help them through the issues that they are facing.  Never forgetting that we still have a long way to go yet in the battle for equality and acceptance.  We have the moral obligation to unveil the myths and misconceptions that surround HIV and AIDs we need to honor the memories of the friends and family that we lost during the height of the epidemic. Plus, we need to remind the world at large that AIDs is still with us we are still loosing brothers and sisters still today to this disease.  Though it isn't the media focus that it once was we would be neglect in thinking that we have vanquished and won.  The war is still being fought, and many are still being persecuted because they have been diagnosed. 

Many of us are tired we have battled long and hard, created a better world for those that come after us, but we are not able to rest just yet, there is much left to be done.  I am reminded every day that I wake up that I am still here way longer than any doctor ever predicted I would be.  I have overcome some incredible odds and I am still fighting today.  We can't let the younger generations forget all that has come before, the heritage, the community, the bonding that we felt and developed in the 80's in the fear of the unknown disease.  Community centers were born, research centers organized and help organizations established that have become the norm.  We need to remind the young that many thousands gave their lives, tears, and suffering for these mediocre changes that we have finally received.  Yes today is a better place, there is a bit more acceptance in the world, but there is much hatred and bigotry still out there.  Our community still suffers from many such forms, and maybe there needs to be a movement inside our own movement that tries to foster change.  Ageism is a form of intolerance, and discrimination that we cannot and shouldn't allow to fester in our community.  We need to look beyond the sexual revolution and think towards a more unifying and holistic love of ourselves.  To look to our elders and still love them and accept them, to show respect and compassion.  Being gay isn't defined by sexual attraction alone, it is being comfortable with those that you are more drawn towards, who you can associate and understand better. We are different yes because of our desire to be loved and we enjoy sex with the same sex, but it goes beyond that I think or at least it does for me.  I feel more comfortable with women as friends, but I feel a kinship and bond with males that I cannot quite describe. 

The human heart has the capacity to love and bond to many different things, and people.  We need to understand ourselves better, look at our motivations, and think about what where we truly feel the most comfortable.  Age is a number, it doesn't define us.  It may limit us physically, but emotionally and mentally we are still those same 20 somethings that we once were in a much more experienced and worn package.  Most of us wear our age well and are proud to do so.  Every year that I am here I am thankful for.  I have worked hard to get here and I plan on hanging around a little longer, if I have to do it alone then so be it.  But, I don't think so there is someone out there looking for the inner me.  When they finally stop looking at the outer me and see the inside they will find what they are looking for. Until then I will keep trying to raise the awareness that age is not something to be afraid of, it isn't something ugly, it is a gift, it is a treasure.  Hopefully others will begin to see that we are of value still and we have things been through situations that can help them, we have lessons we can teach and we still have our voice to make change happen.

So from the age of 49 looking back, I remember the days when I was afraid of being 30, then 40, and of course 50.  But look here I am I have made it this far, have learned much, endured more, and I have something that I can help the world to understand and that is the human spirit.  I know how to give hope, how to inspire through living and comfort just by being there.  Life is a journey that doesn't end.  I can tell you that I am still going through some things even now, but in the end it will have made me that much stronger a person and will give me another lesson that I can teach another person.

So don't wrinkle up your nose at the attentions of those older men that admire you, take it as a compliment, get to know them, maybe just maybe you might find what you have been searching for and it was right in front of you the entire time and you just couldn't see it because of the blinders you have been wearing.  Age is beauty, a gift and something to be cherished.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you. Let me encourage you to live your life full with laughter, love and light.

Uncle B

Extend yourself

We cannot choose who our family is, but that doesn't mean that you should just give up.  Families are the toughest of all relationships and can try your patience at the best of times and down right piss you off at the worst.  Like it or not you are stuck with them.  But just because you are stuck with them doesn't limit your options on what type of relationship you have or how close.  Let's face it families are dysfunctional and often hold you to a different standard than they do other people.  Sometimes, everything runs smoothly and others it can be a total uphill battle all the way.

Often a tragedy can tear a family apart and no matter how hard you try sometimes that hole just can't be mended.  My family was very close up until my grandmother passed away, once that happened the family drifted apart and years went by before lines of communication were once again tried.  Unfortunately, for the most part those attempts failed and my father's side of the family splintered.  A majority of the family remained in Pennsylvania while others moved away.  Facebook has become a way that I can keep track of some of the things that are going on with that side of the family.  Though not every member has an account, nor do they talk to me other than in passing.  I would assume that much of that has to do with my being gay and living so far away from them.

Now, my grandparents on my mother's side of the family have both passed.  My grandmother died first when I had just graduated high school, my grandfather more recently.  However, once my grandfather died my uncle turned very ugly towards my mother and tried to take everything that my grandfather left her.  This caused a huge rift that has never been mended, as a matter of fact my mother and her brother have not spoken since then.  Death can cause all sorts of ill feelings to come out, and there is always someone that feels that they deserve more than they got.  The truth of the matter is they didn't work for it, they didn't earn it, and whatever they got they should cherish, because at least they were thought of and not forgotten.  But, family dynamics are far from predictable.

No one is perfect, and siblings and parent can be harder on you and push you to your absolute limit.  However, as I have learned each of us can have an extended family, people that are like minded and accept you as you are.  Over the years I have cultivated and crafted my own unique group of brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles that are not related by blood, but by mindset and attitude.  These are the true friends that have stood by me through everything that I have been through, helped me pick up the pieces of my life when it has fallen apart.  They are the ones that have encouraged me and given me the moral support I needed when my health turned bad.  The are also the ones that have told me exactly how that felt, they have always been upfront and honest with me, no matter how much it hurt.  These are the friends that you need in your corner.  These are the ones that call you out on your bullshit and foolishness, and the same ones that are your cheering squad when you are on the right track and doing good.

Life doesn't give you any guaranties and you never know what might happen tomorrow.  So many people come through our lives and it is hard to know which ones are just there for a time or there to stay.  Think about it like this people are like dandelions that once their blooms fade away a puffy seed is sprouted that take flight on the breeze,  They drift and float driven by the whims and currents of the wind some of these seeds finally reach fertile ground and they spring roots and there they grow and become a new plant.  As an acquaintances come and go as if they are blown by the wind, but a few of these souls will actually take root and a friendship will grow and eventually bloom.

You would be amazed at how many individuals that I have come across that are only out for themselves and they had me in their sights to use and take advantage of.  I have been fooled on several occasions and have been hurt and abused, but we have to go through the bad to find the good ones.  Believe it or not there are still good people out there in the world, and if you are vigilant you will find them.  Any relationship that is toxic needs to be done away with, whether it is a family relationship or a friendship. If it is hurting you then you need to let it go and move on.

Families can be the most toxic of relationships if you let them.  No matter the circumstance, if they are not building you up and being supportive then I say cut them and let them be.  Find some way in which to have a relationship even if it is through Facebook or email.  Family is family, they are your blood. and they can hurt so much more deeply than anyone else you might come across.

I would leave you with this one piece of advice.  Extend yourself, create your own support structure and network with like minded people that care and nurture you. I think you will find yourself in a much brighter and happier place.  There is nothing wrong with a family of your own creation that supplements the one that you were born with.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Twas the night before Christmas

T'was the night before Christmas and just another plain old night. Sleepless and restless I was up all night.  The weather was warm and balmy, listen can't you hear the oceans roar.  It has been a long time since this holiday was fun for me.  My stormy past has been fraught with pain and disappointment.  Since my aunt died all the bad and painful memories seemed to occur between October and February that happen in my life.

It is true, in the late 80's my aunt and grandmother both passed away between Thanksgiving and New Years. My grandfather passed away around New Years in 2000, then just 4 years later I was to end up facing the biggest changes and challenges of my life.

My life took a dramatic turn of events January 27, 2005 when I went in for an exploratory surgery and emerged from the operating room with a colostomy.  From that day forward, I faced each day with pain and trepidation. Always afraid that I wouldn't fit in, that I would be shunned and never find anyone else to love me.  By this time my relationship was ending and I didn't think that anyone would want to be with me with these dramatic changes to my body. I didn't know then that my life was never going to be the same again.

So when you look back you can see why the Christmas season holds no appeal for me.  Make this holiday season a time for love and understanding.  Enjoy the life you have been given,  think about those who are in your life and what they mean to you. The spirit of Christmas is of love, joy and acceptance.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B

Do you really think this way?

Tonight I have been tossing around several different ideas of what I wanted to write about.  I was sitting here talking to my friends all over the country. These are people that I have known for quite awhile, we are all older in our 30's and 40's.  Something came up in a discussion I was having with my dear friend Maritizio, I was explaining to him what had happened between me and my ex.  He knows both of us from our previous life in Atlanta, way before we relocated to Florida.  It dawned on me that the mentality of the people that I have dated in the past has certainly changed as I have gotten older.  See, when I was younger and serving in the Navy I had a boyfriend whose name was Andy.  We were together for a while but eventually as all things it ended.  Not really by choice I don't think but because of the situations we had found ourselves in.   He was still in the Navy and I ended up getting out. But, thinking back on my relationship with Andy, I realized that I could identify what was different.

It is my contention that those of us who are older had an openness between us in our relationships. We talked to one another, I never had to guess what my partner was thinking I knew.  I also knew what was going on at all times between us and our friends. I am struggling right now as I am trying to explain it to you.  But, those of us from the older generation were more open and honest with one another than the people of this generation.  I can tell you that Andy knew exactly where he stood with me and I knew where I stood with him. There wasn't much if anything that we kept hidden from each other.  I can tell you that if I look back over my past relationships, I can tell you that I had it only once, and then almost found it again.  However, in the end they both ended up breaking my trust by not being 100 percent honest with me and ended up getting caught in their own lies.

The one I want to compare and contrast with you is the relationship that I had the longest.  I met a guy in 1997 and we were together a very long time, we finally totally separated in 2010.  I can tell you for the longest time I knew exactly where I stood with him.  We pushed each other and built up a pretty nice setup.  However, he thought that I was too demanding and I was never satisfied with him or what we had achieved. He was under the impression that I only wanted more.  It soon became a battle of tit for tat and trying to one up each other.  But, I want  you to know that for most of my relationship with him I never had any doubts, we talked about everything. We knew each other pretty well.  Most of the problems came when I got really sick with cancer and had to have so many surgeries and I ended up losing a very good job.  I have never recovered from those losses and I am not sure I ever will.  Plus there was the introduction of a new element in our relationship and it was Meth-amphetamines.  Now, I will be 100 percent honest with you that the year before I got sick we had started having problems.  I have often attributed it to the fact that I went to school and finished my masters degree and got hired right out of school making more money than he was making and he was working in the industry already, and had so much more experience than I did.  But that is only part of the problem, we were both getting restless we had over extended ourselves financially and physically we went into business with a couple of friends and started a restaurant and bought our second house.

Once I got sick it just got worse, I honestly can't blame him as I look back and see what really was going on.  But at the time when I was going through it all I couldn't fathom how someone could do those things to another person especially when they were sick and fighting for their life.  The honest truth looking back with hindsight is that Joe was probably lonely and worried and stressed out. He was working full time, taking care of me  or visiting me in the hospital daily.  I had to spend a lot of time in hospital, I also wasn't in any shape to have any type of sexual relationship with him during those times.  He was human and a man and had needs and desires, sometimes you just have to go out and scratch the itch.  I was not the most understanding person in the world back then. I have to tell you that I was pretty selfish.  I didn't know if I was going to live or die and I wanted everything and nothing at the same time. No wonder he ended up going out to parties and cheating. I don't blame him for his increased drug usage either, a person has to do something to cope with all that shit he was dealing with and still keep his sanity.  It has taken me all of this time to actually reach this conclusion.  I wish I would have had these insights years ago. I might have been able to apologize for my behavior way before this.  Somehow I think that he will end up stumbling on to this and maybe he will read it and understand finally that I am very sorry for hurting him. I honestly was too wrapped up in what I was going through to actually consider anyone's feelings but my own, and I am ashamed of that.

Now you might be asking yourself why I told you all of that stuff and what is the point that I am trying to make. If we take my relationship with Joe and compare and contrast it to my most recent relationship. I think you will begin to see that there is a great difference in the way my generation thinks versus this new younger generation.  Let us begin, from day one with Kerry there was turmoil, half-truths and lies.  An example that I can give you is we were in L.A. staying with my friend Judy and it was a few days after Christmas, him and I headed upstairs, I thought we were going to bed. I stopped at the bathroom, he went on to the room.  A minute or so goes by and he tells me that he is going to go outside and smoke some herb with his cousin.  I hurried up in the restroom couldn't have been more than a couple of minutes. By the time I had come out he was gone. He had taken my phone and left.  I went outside looking for him and he was nowhere to be found.  Later on I found out that he had been talking to somebody on line and had set up for them to meet him so they could go party and get high on meth.  He was gone with my phone and didn't come back for four days.  I should have known then that the relationship was doomed from that moment on. However, when he came back he was upset and remorseful he convinced me that he was he had royally screwed up and that it wouldn't happen again.

Unfortunately, this was a pattern that was going to be our relationship till he finally left me and moved back to Atlanta.  For the next 2 1/2 years I was on an emotional roller coaster.  Drugs would play a major part in all of this. But, this wasn't the extent to what was going on behind my back.  I would catch him talking to other guys on Facebook and Adam4Adam and other sites, telling them that he was in love with them and wanted to be with them  It even got to the point where he would lie and mislead me into going to Atlanta because he would have arranged to hookup with someone. the problem with that was he would never tell the other person about me coming.  Though he would tell me that they knew and it was all okay. You don't know how many times I was thrust into uncomfortable situations by his doing this.  Worse yet would be that every time we would go to Atlanta I would end up getting sick when I got back to Florida and end up in the hospital for 5 days usually at a time.  You don't know how much trouble always seemed to happen to us when we were in Atlanta, we were robbed twice and lost 2 rental cars.  Twice we ended up losing everything we had taken with us up there.  The last time I went with him to Atlanta was in February of 2014, I was going through chemotherapy at the time, all of our stuff was in the rental car and he was high and took off from the hotel that we were staying in and got himself arrested. I was stuck with no money, no car, no place to stay, and no medical supplies because our stuff was in the car.  I finally got a ride to my friend Chris's place and I stayed with him till I could find a way back to Daytona.  However, shortly after I got back I ended up having an aneurysm and had to have 28 blood transfusions and 3 surgeries.  Shortly after all of that he left me and didn't come back.  Drugs played an important role in his decision making process. But I have to say that once he was gone I began to realize how much money I was spending on him each month.  It soon became much easier to cope with the loss knowing that bit of information.

In the relationship with Joe, him and I worked together we hid nothing from each other and we ended up doing very well and staying together a long time. The relationship with Kerry was based on lies and half-truths from the very start. There was no real talking between us, he would just tell me what he thought I wanted to hear, and do his own thing.  As I look back I can see that he had little to no interest in really building anything lasting and was just looking at how he could score drugs and do for himself only.  As you can see there is a difference in the way of thinking between the different age groups. Joe and I were only 6 month apart, and there was 17 years between me and Kerry.

So my original question was Do you really think this way?  I have brought to your attention that the younger generation is more about themselves and what they can get from their interactions with others than dealing with another person with total honesty.  There always seems to be an ulterior motive or half-truth in play with them.  The older guys have a tendency to open up to with each other and work together to build something. They don't hide their intentions from each other.  As I have been thinking on this subject tonight it also became obvious that the younger generation who is only looking out for themselves also seems to be wanting everything handed to them without them having to work for it.

I am not sure if there is a solution to this, and I have yet to meet the exception to this observation.  After what I went through with my last relationship I have pretty much given up on love. I don't think it is possible with the morals and standards today for any type of relationship to have any stability or longevity.  All I have ever wanted was a companion who didn't feel that they had to lie to me or had to hide anything from me.  For the most part I am pretty much open, and if you let me know your intentions beforehand I will not feel betrayed and used.  I wouldn't think that you deliberately misled me and lied to my face.  Because of the things that I have been through I am finding it extremely difficult in trusting others, and it has made it that much more difficult for someone to get close enough to me to get to know me or understand where I am coming from.  I can't say if this might change or not. I can tell you that it will take a very special person to get through my walls and gain my trust.  I think they are constantly going to be scrutinized and questioned about everything. So if you have an interest in getting to know me you better be ready for a long hard journey to earn my trust.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Bigger than Life

Today has been all about a very dear friend of mine that I will never forget.  Someone that never had much but was happy and content with everything she had.  She wasn't self-conscious, vain, or envious. She was brutally honest, courageous, and magnanimous.  Was never to busy to talk, had great shoulders to cry on, and a smile that lit up the room.  She always saw the good in people, never found fault, never stayed down for long and always had a kind smile, warm heart for anyone that came into her life.  She was a very dynamic force and one that couldn't be contained in one body.  Maybe that is the reason why God took her so young!

Her memorial service was today and so many people got up and spoke her praises.  She had a personality that was larger than life.  She wanted to change the world and strove to do so with her volunteering with the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau.  All she ever wanted was to change one persons life, to reach one person with her story. But she impacted each and everyone of us that knew her. Mary was the embodiment of warmth, sun, caring, love and sharing.

She traveled all over telling her story over and over again to groups and individuals alike. She didn't care what others thought, she only cared about what she was fighting for.  She dreamed of a world where there was no such thing as HIV or AIDS and fought towards that end.  She would make you laugh, cry and even shake your head in disbelieve because she was bold and courageous.  Whatever she felt she said.

Souls are attracted by vibration and not by looks, and Mary taught me that.  It didn't matter to her what you looked like, or how you dressed we were all the same to her.  When two souls resonate together they recognize each other and form a bond of friendship and love.  I still remember how she flirted with everyone and didn't care what they thought about it.  She lived in the moment and nothing could take that love of life away from her.

I was fortunate to live close to Mary.  I got to see her a lot, we also talked a lot on the phone and she helped me through some very difficult times in my life.  She had a light inside of her that drew people close, her personality was such that once you were in her orbit you were her friend.  That light inside of her could drive away the darkness and for a brief moment when she was around you knew that anything was possible.

Yet, in the end God chose to take her from this earth and bring her home.  I have mixed emotions about that.  See, I depended on her guidance and her words of encouragement when my life got into some tough spots.  I don't have anyone like that anymore, she was it.  I am going to miss our talks and how she boosted me up and never tore me down.

So what would I like to say to Mary?  Well, I would tell her thanks for taking the time to teach me how to embrace my own Awesomeness and reminding me that everything we do, is building us towards something else.  She saw ahead of her that there were endless possibilities and  opportunities to share her testimony and her story.  When I say that Mary was larger than life, I mean exactly what I have said. She was bigger than life, she radiated warmth and acceptance with the greatest of ease and she gave great big bear hugs.  She wasn't afraid to touch you, nor tell you about yourself if you were in the wrong.  She lived in the moment and by doing so she achieved what most of us envied.  An openness to talk, a freedom to express exactly what she needed to when she needed too. She was comfortable with herself, her situation, her looks, and everything that made her up.  I admired her honest, conviction and courage and I hope that just a little of each of those has rubbed off on me.

She gave hope where there was fear, she gave love unconditionally and expected nothing in return.  Though she may be gone, I don't think it will ever be possible to forget her. She had a great impact on so many of our lives.  For that alone I know she will live on forever in each and everyone of us.

Thank you for keeping her family and friends in your prayers.  What more can I say, Mary saw a world in which change was possible and she struggled to help bring it about.  I can't tell you how grateful I am that she chose me to be a part of her family.  She helped and loved beyond any situation.  She was so full of light and life that it was nearly blinding to look at her at times.  She knew what she wanted and set about trying to get it. A spirit of a lion and the heart of a lamb.

I am going to miss you so much, but I know now that she is with me everywhere and I remember the words she told me when my partner left me and did all those things to hurt me. "You deserve better than that Bryan, you deserve to be happy".  Now, I know that the secret to happiness is found only with ourselves and no where else.  Thank you for reminding me of that.  I am jealous or even envious of her, see it was so easy for her to talk, to get her story out. She wasn't afraid, because there is no reason to fear the truth.  Again, thank you for the lesson Mary!

Oh yes, I have a voice and I write in that voice, but speaking I tremble on the inside.  She told me over and over again, to just be yourself and it will all work out. Guess what she was right and I am still here today.  She didn't have transportation much of the time I knew her, but it didn't limit her much. She still made it to Group and Positive Champions meetings.  I don't think I have ever seen her discouraged for more than a minute. She never gave up on anyone!  She always saw their goodness and she brought that out in all of those around her.

When I say bigger than life that was Mary. Yes it was and I think that she burned so brightly to everyone around her that her poor body just couldn't handle all of it.  When I tell you that she loved, she did!  She loved Gay Men! She Loved Children! She Loved to talk! She loved to hug everyone! So today was Mary's day and will remain for me till tomorrow. Today was a day that was sad, somber, yet funny and exciting as well.  I have a heavy heart because of the loss of my friend but a big ole smile on my face as I sit here and remember.

You maybe wondering why I am telling you all about my friend and her life and what she meant to me.  So, let me tell you that there are lesson here that you can learn from. Something each and everyone of us can use in our daily lives.  You may not believe me, and I am not sure that I do yet myself, but I think as all of us gathered today to remember our dear friend something magical and wonderful happened.  We were reminded that life is fleeting, and that we need to cherish those around us.  We need to surround ourselves with family of our own choosing, be inclusive of everyone, fear nothing, accept everything, live in the moment, cherish the life you have and what you got.  Take back your power, live for yourself and throw your hands and heads up in the air, don't care what others think of you. Just do you and everything else will fall in place.

What can you learn from Mary?  Everything there is to know about life and living.  Learn something new everyday, share it with those you love and those you don't know. Live in the moment, experience everything with baby fresh eyes, those eyes of wonder that still see the magic in the world.  Keep those you resonate with close to you, because like souls attract like souls.  Stay positive, focused and tell your story to anyone who will listen.  Everyone has a story to tell and you never know where a casual conversation might lead you.  Seek the goodness in others, freely give kindness to those you love and give love to those that love you.  Speak your mind and your heart will follow, don't filter out anything.  Someone described Mary today as having the gift of Transparency and I think that is a place where we should all strive to be.  You never had to guess what Mary was thinking or feeling you could see it and feel it.  That is what is meant by being transparent.  We are all given a voice and we must learn how to use it. Your story is unique just as was mine and Mary's but there might be someone out there that needs to hear it. You may save someones life, or your words might heal their hurting soul.  Your story could change 1 persons life and like Mary said "If I can reach or help or change one person than I have accomplished my task".  Mary changed a lot of lives, so many hearts, and will live on with each of us who knew her.

But, now my friends as you read what I am writing about  her, she will also live in you.  You may not have met her, you may never have seen her. But you know her spirit, her heart, and the magical way she changed the lives of each and everyone of us that came in contact with her.  Please take away from this entry if nothing else, one person can inspire change in the world. Yes, you can. All it takes is you to find your voice, tell your story, and live your life like Mary lived hers.  Trust me.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you!

Uncle B

When you make time still

Last night we talked about how life comes out of darkness and from strife comes change.  I wanted to talk to you more about darkness and moments in our lives when we need to sit back and reflect.  Each of us comes to a point in our lives when we look back over our life and are disheartened by where we are at.  Most of the time this comes when we are down and are trying to figure out which way we have to go.  Darkness has descended on our lives and our emotions are all embroiled.  I reflect back and I look at where I am today and I am saddened because I sometimes feel like I have been a complete failure.  My father said once that Bryan look at your life and what you have lost, you are 46 years old and you should know better.  You cannot help everyone, some people don't want saving, and they just want to take advantage of you and your kindness. You should be so much more secure in your life and situation.  FAILURE is what that message screamed to me, making me feel even worse about myself and the my life.

See, I never thought that at 46 I would be living back at my dad's struggling to get back on my feet and to turn my life around.  If you look back at where I have been and what I had you will begin to realize that my life wasn't so bad.  But from my current vantage point it is just so much easier to see where I am and not where I have been.  Yes, I miss my home, my cars, my friends, my old life, but the loss was not of my own doing.  I had some fault in the matter, but illness took the center stage in my life and rewrote my story.  This can happen to anyone, no matter where you are at in life and what you have achieved, illness can come in and with a wide sweeping reach can take everything away in a blink.  I have been going through a very dark place for a very long time, and it will never be over.  What I look forward to is the bits of light that break through that darkness and for a little bit light my path.  In other words, from 2005 till now I have been in and out of hospitals constantly and have been fighting for my life. I have been sick and there doesn't seem to be an end to this in sight. Yet, there have been spots in this turmoil where I have met friends, partners and lovers, that have made life bearable.

During those times of darkness and when the doubt and despair creep in, I need to take the time to reflect and make time stand still. I need to look back at my life and see the whole thing. See the bigger picture.  See, it isn't where I am at that is important. No, it was the journey that brought me here.  It is what has molded me, crafted me and made me into the person I am today.  When I look at all I have done, been and accomplished my life doesn't seem so bleak at all.  As a matter of fact my life starts looking to like a plot to a movie or a great fast paced book.  I have had such a colorful past, many interesting friends and have been into so many things and through so much drama that you would think that I couldn't have possibly lived like that.  Trust me, anyone that knows me can tell you that I have had a very blessed and magical life.  So,  when I take the time to actually reflect and see the entire picture the story doesn't seem so hopeless or tragic, on the contrary it starts to look pretty darn good.

In our darkest times and we are stuck without light I believe that there comes a point just before the light crests the horizon that we come to terms with whatever it is that we are going through and just at the perfect precise moment that all things seem possible to us.  Like life is renewing itself and everything starts to seem right again in the world.  Now, you might be wonder what in the world am I talking about.  If you remember back to an article I wrote in 2012 I told you that there are no perfect moments in our lives, that time waits for no one and we have to create those special moments by doing little things to make those moments memorable forever.  It is my belief that during our trials, tribulations and pain, there comes a single moment when we have made a decision to change and have started to take steps on that new path that a moment of clarity comes to us and we know that what we are doing is possible.

This is just another point in my discussion that strengthens my argument that out of darkness comes life.  That the strife that we face in life (darkness) is the catalyst for change. During our journey through that time of darkness there comes a moment in our thought process where we begin to look for answers and an escape from the trouble that is hounding us.  I believe that when we sit back and reflect on our lives, and see the journey and the destinations we have had along the way we make time still and our mind calms and we can see all the possible solutions to our situation.

Just keep this in mind that everything changes, and you have to too in order to evolve. Nothing last forever, and in the darkness everything seems possible at some points.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

You can and You will succeed

Let me tell you a little story about my mom.  Last Easter she was finally able to return to her home after spending 9 long months in a nursing home.  She had every reason to doubt that she would ever leave that nursing home.  The doctors, physical therapists and nurses all told my mother the same thing.  That she would never be able to walk again, that she would spend the rest of her life in that wheelchair.  But, my mother is a woman of prayer and has faith in God and continually prayed for healing and respite.  Over those 9 months she showed great progress but still no one ever thought that she would be able to walk again, and that she wouldn't be able to adjust to this new life that she found herself in.

Now, she had ever right to become depressed and despondent. She was all alone in Pennsylvania and stuck in a nursing home without any visitors except maybe the pastor and his wife,  but because the pastor also works full-time visits were few and even sometimes rare.  My mother told me that each phone call I made to her while she was in there was like having a visit or someone actually coming in to see you.  It broke the monotony of the day and switched up the routine.  I also know this from my own recent incursion at a local nursing home for rehabilitation.

Both, my mother and I had infections that attacked our back and spinal column.  Her's was much worse than mine, she actually developed a huge abscess that actually ruptured and spilled out into her system.  After 9 or 10 hours of washing and cleansing that internal sore out an accident occurred and the nerve endings to her lower body were cut.  She was told as I have stated that she would be paralyzed and in that wheel chair forever.  I was told something very similar during my stay in the rehab center.  Yet, as of today I am walking free and clear without having to rely on a walker or a cane.  My mother called me this evening and told me that she actually got a cart at the grocery store and was able to walk the entire store without any assistance or aid. The wheel chair was left in the car and she did it on her own.

 Both my mother and me have great testimonies that we could share with you and in most cases I have shared mine with you.  But the reason why I am bringing this up tonight is that I feel the need to remind not only myself but you as well that no matter what the situation, disaster, illness, or disability befalls us.  if there is a Will there is a Way!

If you truly believe that you can do something you will be able to do it.  The mind is a very powerful thing, and if we have a need and a desire we can accomplish anything.  Remember that it is always darkest before the dawn.  Which means the hardest part is yet to come but we can see the light and we know that once we reach it everything will be alright.  I remind myself daily that nothing is permanent in this world and that everything passes.  My grandmother used to tell me "This too shall pass wait and see".  You know she was right!

Since 2012 I have been writing in this blog and I have been laying my life out in the open for anyone to see.  I don't think that it is wrong for me to do this because I have gone through so many things that I believe that someone out there is or has gone through some situation that has been or is similar to what I went through and if my experience can help them through in some way then my sharing was all for the better.  As many of you know I have been diagnosed with 6 separate terminal illnesses, yet I carry forward like nothing is wrong. People tell me that it is because I am strong and have a positive nature and outlook.  But honestly, I believe that 90% is prayer and 10% is believing that my prayers are being answered daily.

I have become so in-tuned and in-touch with God that I see and experience miracles everyday. Example, 2 weeks ago I was ordered by the court to attend a drug and alcohol screening to see if I needed to go through some classes to help me deal with addiction.  This was a mandatory condition of my probation and something that my probation officer set up for me.  I had to meet with this counselor and pay $20 and let her evaluate and scrutinize every part of my life. But, as I was sitting there talking with the lady something miraculous happened, I felt a peace come over me and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Spirit of the Lord had come into the room and that I wasn't going to have to do any classes.  As a matter of fact we talked for a bit longer and she asked me to look at her computer and fix it.  Guess, what I did and for the time I spent working on her computer she paid me $20.

This was a tremendous blessing because that was my last $20 that I had and it was still several days till I got my next check.  But, as I have always told you.  You never know where a casual conversation is going to lead you.  By taking my time and actually opening up to this counselor and telling her the absolute truth about my drug usage a miracle was performed.  I knew that there was no sense to lie to her she had access to my entire record so she would have know if I was lying.  Plus, it was easier to talk with her once I told her why should I lie, I would only get caught and she agreed with me.  From that meeting she has contact the organization that I am a member of the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau and has asked for one our speakers to come in and talk to her groups to teach them all about HIV, AIDS and awareness.

You may be wondering why I am telling you all of this, and it is because I want you to know that you can and will succeed at every endeavor that is thrown your way and every obstacle that is in your path, and why do you think that is? Because if you "can conceive it and believe it you will achieve it." For every storm there is a lull or an eye it is when it seems to lighten up a bit and you have a temporary respite from the weather, but there is still more to come and you need to brace yourself for it. Always look for the light at the end of the tunnel, the silver lining in the clouds, Light dispels the darkness, chases away the shadows, and will eat away at the doubts and depression that are filling your mind.  It is that speck of light in the distance that gives you hope, and pulls you ever onward toward it. Once you see that light you know you are almost home free and that you have made it through. It is not always easy to see the light at the end of the tunnel and those storm clouds can be mighty dark. Just keep in mind what my grandmother used to tell me this too shall pass.  Trust me it will.  Nothing last forever!

The point I am trying to make here is that there is nothing that you cannot overcome. Nothing has permanence in this life and time keeps marching on so if you have the will and the drive you can over come any obstacle that life has in store for you. Just keep in mind that if you keep a positive outlook on life, then the storms and hardships aren't too hard for you to weather, because the negativity just rolls off you like water.

If you don't believe me in this look at my mother's story and tell me that her continued improvement and victories were because she had the will to overcome and she didn't let depression and negativity hold her down. She knew what she wanted and she did what she had to to accomplish that.  that is all I want for each and everyone of you.  To set your mind to a task and own it.  Set you will on it and make it your own because you can and you will succeed.

I am proud of the accomplishments my mother has made and it makes me feel good that she has progressed so far in such a short time. I am also proud of the strides I have made in my own personal life and health, because I know that when the physical therapist told me that I would never get out of that wheel chair, I just had to prove her wrong and I did everything I could to get myself out of that chair and I am so glad that I did.  It taught me that if there is a will and a want you can accomplish it no matter what the obstacles are.

Take each day one at a time.  Put your mind to a task and just do it. It might surprise you at what you can accomplish just by putting your mind to it.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

-Uncle B

Learning to Live Again

How do you come back to life after almost dying 3 times this year?  How do you come back to life after your world has shattered because your husband died?  How do you come back after you've had a serious injury that has left your confidence and self-esteem injured.  The answer to all of these questions is the same answer, you have to learn to live again.  You have to pick yourself up, and you have to carry on.  Make sure that you give yourself the appropriate mourning period, find and celebrate the silver lining of the situation that you have found yourself in. Remember, that there is always going to be a silver lining to every situation.  Finally you have to look at yourself, really look at yourself and love yourself in-spite of everything that that is happening to you.  In situations like the ones above, we forget to love ourselves and except ourselves for the person that we are and who we have become.  We have a tendency to loose ourselves in our own situation and suffer through it on our own.

Just realizing that you aren't alone, that there are people out there that care about you and are there to support you and help you deal with any situation is the first step in making it through.  From there you have to face yourself in the mirror, accept and deal with the emotional impact of what has happened to you.  If you are brutally honest with yourself you will find a strength that you may never have known before.  We are never given more than we can bear, nor are we ever left to face these types of hard times on our own. Take the time and look around you, you are going to be surprised at how few people you once considered friends  are there for you, however there are going to be others that are still there waiting for you to see them. I realized a short while ago, that when times are tough and you are down or out or even sick only a select group are going to be around for you. It seems that all the others only are around when times are going good and you are up.  These are the ones that I would let go, they are not true friends at all, they are hanger-on's.  People that at every chance are kind and considerate to your face, but behind your back they have only their own interest at heart.

If you remember I have a belief that there are those that come into our lives that are needed and stay an allotted amount of time before they move on.  We each have a support group, those that stand by us through thick and thin, and are willing to go the distance for you when times are tough.  These are the ones that you need to cherish and appreciate. They are going to be the ones that are going to help you pick up the shattered pieces of your life and rebuild it.  These are the friends, relatives and loved ones that are going to accept you and what is going on in your life and offer support and help through the rough times.  These friends are true friends and are hard to find, but when you do, you need to cultivate and nurture them so that they last.  When I tell you that you need to start learning how to live again, these are the ones that are going to swoop in, help dispel the despair and darkness that has descended upon you.  Because believe it or not when something major happens in your life depression is virtually inevitable, it is your friends that will bring joy and light back into your life and help you over the rough times.

Another thing that you have to do is find a new outlet, something that you enjoy and love to do.  This will help take your mind off of your problem or issues and allow you to start enjoying yourself again.  Remember that sometimes we have to immerse ourselves in a new project to take our mind away from our own problems.  I have found that listening to other's problems and issues helps take my mind off of my own issues and offers me an outlet in which I can help someone else and ease their problems.  I have found myself often times offering to help others which in turn actually helps me with my own issues.  See, each experience is a learning experience and believe it or not, most of the time someone is going through something similar to what I am going through and by helping them, helps me figure out what to do in my own life.

One of my earlier blog entries was about how do we get over the death of someone that we love, and what I have found is that we never truly get over their loss.  Our friends can help ease the pain, bring back joy and life into our lives and help motivate us to get up and out and do things again.  Because death, illness, or tragedy often holds us to in place, keeps us from going out and doing things.  One of my dearest friends lost her husband of 24 years recently and according to her daughter the passing sucked the life out of the house and her mother, she asked me to come and help out which is what I have done.  I can tell you that since I have been here that the energy level has changed in the house. No one is sitting idle wallowing, we are getting out and doing things and the depression and darkness that was once here has virtually vanished.  Now, I cannot make the pain of her loss go away, I can only make her laugh and take her mind off of the sadness for short periods of time.  But keeping her busy and giving something other to think about seems to be helping out greatly.  On top of that my partner's sister had a baby and that has breathed new life into our little family and that has also helped take our minds off of our problems.  It is amazing how things work out.

As you know yesterday I talked about how each of us has come through such trials in 2012 and how I am expecting a huge turn around in 2013.  My hope is that my message love, forgiveness, compassion and acceptance is taken on by each and everyone of us as the new year begins.  Please take the time to tell those that have stood by you how much you love and appreciate them. That they mean so much and have touched you in so many ways.  Sometimes we don't do that enough, and we really need to let others know exactly what they mean to us.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Acceptance starts at home

Over the past couple of days the topic of acceptance has been presenting itself to me over and over again.  First, in my relationship, then in my own personal life.  What I came up with after dealing with this issue for the past 3 days is that if you want to be able to accept another person, you have to be able to accept yourself.  You have to be comfortable in your own skin, if you ever want to be comfortable loving and accepting anyone else in your life.  Here is what I know, I am not comfortable with all the scars, the bags, and all the limitations that have happened with my body since I have gotten ill.  The truth of the matter is that I was even scared to tell my boyfriend of five years that with everything that my body has gone through, I may never be able to have sex again.  This was something that I was ashamed of, self-conscious of, and most importantly it was a shortcoming that I am very insecure about ever since my illness raised it's head in 2005.

To be honest with you, my self-esteem had suffered, but over the past 8 years, it has begun to make a comeback.  See it was through the efforts of previous boyfriends and relationships that have made me realize my self worth, and through their help my self confidence and self esteem have been bolstered. Yet it has still taken me years to come to terms with my illness and limitations.  It wasn't until I wrote about overcoming limitations in my blog that I actually came to terms with my own.  Yet, it didn't stop there, see my boyfriend suffers from his own insecurities and has a hard time taking compliments.  His self esteem is impaired from his previous relationship and the mental and physical abuse he suffered through.  It is extremely hard for him to think that anyone can care about him, that the feelings that he is feeling is real.  He also has a hard time accepting compliments.  He doesn't actually like attention to be called to him or his accomplishments.  I think that the reason for this is because he has to embrace what has happened to him in the past, accept it and move on. Once he can do that he will be able to accept his own limitations, insecurities and shortcomings.

This is what I know about insecurities, we each have them. Without the love of another it may be totally impossible to overcome those insecurities, to be one hundred percent comfortable in our own skin.  See the insecurities we have will make it impossible to accept the compliments of others, we will still see ourselves as we perceive ourselves to be. We will hold people back by the walls we have built to protect us from having to relive or reveal those insecurities to others.  Basically, we are keeping others at arms length, never letting them to get to know the real us.  It is extremely important when you let your walls down, to let them all down, reveal your deep seated insecurities, reveal to your partner you vulnerabilities and trust them to hold them close to their heart and not betray you.  By doing this you will allow the other person to get to know the real you and together you can assuage and face those fears together.  I honestly believe that through love and our hearts. two people can face and overcome anything.

I know from my own insecurities, that I was holding myself back, that I didn't even have hope, that I was ashamed, embarrassed and wouldn't let anyone close to me.  It took someone that was persistent and very insistent that he loved me.  Then it took him months and months to convince me that he loved me, that the bags, scars and others insecurities didn't matter to him, that he loved the person he saw inside of me and my personality, my brain, intelligence and a hundred other things that attracted him to me.  My biggest fear was that I wouldn't find anyone that could love me, accept me or even consider going out with me because I have the bags, that I couldn't have sex, and that I had all of these scars. Insecurities led to fear and fear can paralyze us and keep us from taking the chances and risks that we need to.  It can keep us from becoming successful and limits our resourcefulness.

It is also true that our own fears and insecurities can make us reject out of hand the compliments others dish out to us, and it can even keep us from accepting criticism. Now this can lead to the build up of pressure and  stress.  Which in turn if not processed properly can lead lead to depression. Now for most of us this is something that can be worked on and overcome, but for those that are in the public eye or even famous this might lead to other problems that may affect their work or livelihood.  A famous singer from Nirvana, Kirk Cobain. could attest to this fact if he were still alive.  Stress and depression from perceived limitations and disabilities can lead us to severe depression and dark thoughts, which might in turn lead us down the path toward suicide.  Remember that thoughts of suicide creep up on us when we feel like we are trapped and our problems are insurmountable and we can't get past them.  It is important for us to face our insecurities embrace them and learn to overcome them.

Keep in mind that not all insecurities and limitations are physical, they can be mental or perceived as well.  This does not make them less real then the physical ones.  I hope that you understand that we can overcome them and face them with the love and support of others.  The first step in this process is to be open and frank about them.  When you can talk about them, even joke about them, you are able to express them in such a way that you can let the healing begin.  Keep in mind that only you can start the process.  You can't live in fear and concern and expect to move forward in your life.  Hiding behind walls and keeping it bottled up inside of you will only add to your pain and stress.  Trust me when I tell you that these fears and insecurities are painful, and only by exposing them to others can you lessen the pain that you feel.  You may be totally surprised when you finally are ready to open up about them that others are just as fearful and scared as you are. That they too have some deep seated insecurities, that are just waiting to be exposed to the light of day. And that by talking about them you lessen the power they have over you and your life.  Also, once you start talking about them you become more comfortable with them, and eventually they will not be a plague to you anymore.

You are not alone in this.  Everyone of us has something about our bodies, our looks and personality that we don't like, but these are what makes us different and unique, and as you express them to others, you will find that they are what gives you the character, drive and strength.  They aren't as limiting as you thought they were.  They may be the reason why you have acted a certain way your entire life, and they could be the very thing that has defined you.  But once you expose them to others, and start facing them and dealing with them, you are going to find ways to accept them and once you do that you can overcome them.  We are not so different you and I, we may have different fears and insecurities, but we have them, maybe by birth or by mishap, or illness.  Each of us are different, but we are still the same.  We each have fear and we like to keep hidden those things which bother us.  But, when you start talking about them, and expose them to the light so to speak you are going to find that there are others just like you that may have similar fears, similar insecurities, or similar illnesses or situations that will make it easier for you to identify with and be more open and forthcoming.  Once you open the flood gates you will be surprised where that current might take you.  You may even find that what you thought was a flaw or insecurity wasn't that at all.

You can't accept someone fully and totally if you can't accept yourself.  They say that in order to love another that you have to love yourself first, and that is true.  Keep in mind that acceptance starts by facing and embracing your insecurities, fears and flaws and dealing with them.  Once you can do that you can accept those that others have.  Communication my dear ones is the key to this as with so many other issues that we face. Man is a social creature, we need the interaction of others to keep us healthy and happy, and by opening yourself up and accepting that which you cannot change and talking about it, you will find yourself that much stronger.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Ever Hear Somebody Say "I'm Grown"?

Today I have been talking about things that the younger crowd are saying.  Such as "Keeping it Real", "Real Talk", "Keep it 100" and other things.  But there is one that I hear a lot of people saying it, the unfortunate problem is if you are saying it, then it probably is an inaccurate statement.  If you have to run around and tell someone that "I am grown dammit" then guess what you have done something that proves you aren't.  Most people say things when they are confronted and they don't want to accept the blame, or are on the defensive.  You telling me to mind my own business because you are grown, just proves to me that you aren't, that you are acting immature and aren't even willing to discuss whatever it is that is going on.  I have been dealing with youth and slang for as long as I can remember. My nephew is 21 years old, as a matter of fact just turned it last month, he started living with me and being around me all the time when he was about 13 to 15 somewhere in there.  Basically I raised him and tried to bring him up the best way that I knew how.  Yes, I went through all the teen angst and rebellion, not to mention all the usual slang terminology that we are discussing today.  I also raised a dear friend of mine's grandson after she passed away in 2008, he just happened to be my nephew Kodi's best friend named Bobby.  Now for you that haven't put it all together, Bobby is the same Bobby that has been mentioned in some of my blog entries. He is an ex.  Yes I dated him, he was 18 when we started started dating each other. Which was kind of awkward me trying to be a parent and boyfriend at the same time.  Honestly, didn't turn out well.

Anyhow, back on the topic of "I'm Grown". I have come to understand and realize that anytime someone is throwing it about, means that they are in an uncomfortable position, they feel challenged and are on the defensive.  Probably because you are questioning them on why they did something, or why they were acting a certain way, or doing something that you didn't quite understand.  Anyone or more of these reasons could be why.  Something has caused you to call them on their behavior and they are feeling vulnerable and threatened, have locked down in a defensive stance and you are probably not going to get anywhere further with them in this discussion.  You are going to have to regroup yourself and try a different tactic if you really want to discuss with them the matter, because once they have locked down with I'm grown, trust me you aren't going to get any further with them.

What I want my younger readers to understand, if you really and truly are grown, you will never have to throw that out there. Your actions are going to prove to us that you are grown, and that you can handle yourself with dignity and maturity and being grown has nothing to do with it.  So why do you feel you need to point out to someone that you feel you are grown and can handle whatever the situation is? Because, clearly you can't and it is obvious to those of us that are trying to help you and offer advice.  Shutting down and locking out those that care about you is self-defeating and limits your ability to utilize their experience and advice to your advantage.  Further, if you think you are grown and a man or woman and can handle yourself accordingly then why are we having a discussion in the first place? See your actions or behavior have brought to a point that has us worried and we are trying to help you, do the right thing by you and protect you.  Trust me when I tell you everyone of us needs another person out there looking out for us, helping us or protecting us, because life is harsh, unfair and can beat you down to a breaking point.  When someone is reaching out to you with compassion and concern, it is in your best favor to accept it graciously and move on.

Now, Bobby and Kodi were constantly getting into drugs and experimenting with things and drinking and partying all night, and it wasn't till both of them suffered an overdose of drugs that they understood my concern, and why I was so hard on them, and after them to cut down, be careful, to think first, etc.  Bobby went into seizures and fits of unconsciousness and had to be taken away by ambulance that is how bad it had gotten. We had fought just that afternoon about his drug usage and what could happen and he told me to Fuck off he was grown and knew what he was doing. Do you know that after they pumped his stomach and gave him fluids I got a call from him, telling me how sorry and stupid he had been. That he had acted out and rebelled because he thought that he was impressing me and others by acting like he was grown. He learned a lesson but the hard way.  Kodi had it a bit easier, he was sick as a dog, and ended up having to go to the hospital but didn't do near as much as Bobby had and didn't have to go through the stomach pumping and fluid flushing procedure, but both of them that night learned that just because you say it to yourself and others, doesn't actually make it so.

As we grow and mature we go through rites of passage, these are milestones that signify the departure from childhood into adulthood.  You can probably look at it this way, they are the terrifying and traumatic events that transform a child into an adult, and yes that transformation and metamorphosis is usually terrifying, scary and traumatic to those going through them.  Adolescence and the changes the body is going through as well as all the things your mind has to go through can be a daunting experience, and we know that it is life changing, because once a child enters puberty or adolescence they come out on the other side an adult.  You can't rush these changes, you have to experience them, live through them, and learn from them.  Life is all about growing up, maturing, reaching a higher level of understanding and consciousness, but it is also about being reborn, transformed and molded by our experiences and the lessons we learn along the way.  Remember that I keep telling you that it is the journey that makes the person not the places they stop, because we are constantly growing and traveling, it is the path that we take that mold us and shape us into the people we are today. The places we stop and rest are way points or rest stops along in a never ending journey, they are not what defines us.

So please stop telling us you are grown, you can handle it, instead show us. Prove to us that you are an adult and a man and that you can handle the challenges life throws at you with integrity, honor and maturity, and when you do, I promise you we will stop trying to help you and protect you as much.  I can't tell you that we are going to totally stop, that we are not going to keep worrying about you, or offering advice, or help along the way, we are human and we care about you. We don't want you to forget that we are there for you and are your support network, that we have had experiences you haven't yet and can possibly offer you an alternative you haven't even considered.  So be patient with us as we are with you.

Don't be in such a hurry to grow up, it only gets harder from here.  Enjoy being taken care of and looked after by your parents and your family.  You have no idea of what bills really are or what responsibilities come with growing up. Enjoy your youth and childhood while you can, try not to be so hard on your parents and those that are trying to care for you. They just want to protect you and keep you from making the same mistakes they made, they want to save you from the pain that they went through and endured on their rite of passage.  Listen to what advice they have to offer, you might be surprised at how well most of it is going to work out in your favor and will make your life so much easier.   Try to be a little more open and honest with yourself and your parents, because it will make growing up that much easier for you.

If nothing else please don't tell us you're grown when clearly we can see that you aren't. Remember you won't have to tell me I will be able to see it. Because you demonstrate it in your words, thoughts, actions and reactions to each and every situation. You will be amazed at how perceptive parents and loved ones can be. They might even know you have reached adulthood before you have.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Something to ponder

I had a conversation with a friend this afternoon and it gave me something to think about and address.  I decided to do it here, and it isn't because I think that her stance and outlook is wrong, but because I actually think that light needs to be cast in the darkness, because all things are revealed in the light.  My beliefs are such that I don't care what you do, or how you do it. I don't believe God cares who you were, but who you are and what you can become.  See, I also believe that we are all called to walk on a path that leads us to a closer intimate walk with Him.  Personal beliefs should not play a part in any of it.  The Word of God, our Bible is an inspired work it is the blueprint to a successful life and walk with God. But, it is open to interpretation, and the Holy Spirit works on us as It wills and sees fit.  If we are not continually open and receptive to the teachings of God, then we are not having a close and intimate relationship with Him. Further, I don't think we ever get to a place where we know everything, nor is there a place that we reach when we cannot still be amazed and sight restored to our eyes.

Now, let me explain a bit about the conversation that we had, and understand that I know where she is coming from and I understand, but I also know a different truth, and when I have a chance to readdress this issue I will bring it up. See in Paul's letter to the Romans, there is a section that deals with Homosexuality, and this is the issue that I was asked about today.  For clarification purposes, I include myself in the gay community and consider myself homosexual.  However, I am not a practicing homosexual, because the ability to have sex is something that at this point in my life is not exactly possible.  Due to the surgeries and illnesses that I have been through.  If you need further clarification, please feel free to email me and I will explain in detail.  I believe that the New Testament is where our focus should be today, the Old Testament is the old way, the old covenant between God and Abraham.  Jesus brought with Him the New Testament and a New covenant and that is where we should focus.  Without going into too much detail, I believe that her stance which she explained to me that Homosexuality is a sin and an abomination to God.  I would encourage her to re-read Romans again, because there is something that she missed.

I am not going to go into it here any further than that.  I have to say, that we are called on to love one another, to lead by example, it isn't our job to force anything, especially our beliefs on another.  We are to plant the seed of salvation and let it grow.  We are too love the Sinner but not the Sin.  The greatest commandment that Jesus gave was to love one another.  I believe this with all of my heart.  I am comfortable with who I am and with the choices I have made in my life.  I do not regret the path that I am on for I am truly blessed and favored.  I have seen more answered prayer this year and continually I am experiencing Miracles in my life daily.  God brought me into this persons life for a reason and I am beginning to divine where.  Holiness is something that Grace gives us.  We are all bound by original sin, we cannot escape it. However, we were given a way to Salvation and Victory through Jesus. We are too learn from His suffering, we are to follow His example.  Never once did Jesus turn His back on anyone. His Message was always the same and trust me when I say that 2000 + years later it still hasn't changed.

God created each of us in His image, the Bible also tells us that there is nothing on this Earth that isn't good.  He looked upon the world and all His creations and said they were good.  Each of us is convicted in our hearts by the Holy Spirit, we are called upon to do the work of the Lord and live our lives as Christlike as we can.  This is very important.  We are not called on to be judges, we are not called upon to look at a person and determine if their way of life or lifestyle is wrong.  We need to understand that God has a plan and a solution for all things, and resolution of the homosexual conflict is there.  You just need to read it and understand.  I am meeting with my friend on Tuesday for breakfast and I am going to take with me the scriptures that I am referring too and will show her what the Word says.  Now we will see what the Lord does, because if I am right about my friend, being open and receptive to the unconditional love of God her eyes will be opened and a new seed will be planted with in her that might show her something she never considered before.

See as long as we are open to receive the word, and study it, we become it, and live it.  As it becomes part of us that which we do becomes the work of the Lord, it is not my actions or deeds, but the movement of the Spirit within me that will shed some light as I said on the darkness and light will grow and blossom.  Even scholars and learned pastors can still learn and grow from the word.  They sometimes just need to be pointed in the right direction.  Love, tolerance, acceptance, are what the world needs today and that should be the message that we are spreading.  If you preach and teach other than that something is terribly wrong.  Because Christ was all about love, forgiveness, understanding and acceptance.  Jesus didn't care who you were, what you did.  He only cared about you and who you are!

Keep that in mind when you are talking to others, we are the light that they see in the world we are what drives the darkness away, and it is through us that the Love of God is revealed on Earth.  The reason why we have to go through the trials and injuries that we are tasked with is for us to learn. Because unfortunately man only learns through pain.  If it doesn't hurt they are going to keep doing it and experiencing it.  Pain is the only true deterrent.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B