Intolerance and Hatred Not welcome

Earlier tonight someone posted something on my Facebook page which I took very seriously.  For anyone who knows me, they will tell you that I am one of the sweetest and kindest people that they know. I have over 300 signatures and comments in my high school yearbook that will back me up when I tell you this, plus I have many friends from high school that will further attest to knowing me for years and that I am a solid individual who hasn't changed a bit since high school.

But there are several things that I will not tolerate and one of them is hate in any form.  If you have  problem with my sexual orientation or my being gay/homosexual then you need to keep that information to yourself because after living with this for 50 years I have found peace with it.  Whatever your personal opinion is, mine is that being gay/homosexual is not a preference, it is not an illness, and isn't a decision that any sane person would make for their lifestyle.

If anyone has a difference of opinion they are ignorant and full of intolerance and bigotry and they are not welcome in my world or sphere of influence.  Your opinion is not something that needs to be shared to me or to any of my readers, we have been through too much to hear your rhetoric, and we do not care what your opinion is because as far as I am concerned there is something terribly wrong with you.

Now this person didn't just go on to say that being gay was my personal choice, they brought my mother into the conversation and stated that I made a conscious choice to ignore her advice and that I went on to do just what felt good to me.  I am sorry, this person knows me and my medical history. She used to work for my doctor's office and for her to state a blatant lie like that offended me to the core.

Not only does this woman not know my mother or my father, she put her own personal bias on my page unsolicited because she disagreed with me and my desire to bring my extended family together and to create an environment of love and laughter.  To me this is highly problematic because Mommas House for Wayward Homosexuals is a dream that me and hundreds of my friends have talked about for years.  For her to state something negative about a place that is being developed out of love, without expectations and recriminations of the past is shameful at best.

My followers and readers know that I have had extensive bowel issues, cancer that has destroyed my large and small intestines, which alone has caused me great deal of personal issues and anxiety in regards to my standing in the gay and straight community,  and had me feeling isolated, lost, alone, alienated and unlovable. 

You dare to come on my page JoAnn Duran and spout your nonsense hurts me to the core and has left me with very little regard for you and your ignorance.  I lashed out at you because your own son is one of my closest friends and has spent hours and hours around me and has no personal problem with my sexual orientation or my identification as being gay, even though I don't have sex in that manner and haven't since 2008.

Whether you consider me gay, straight, neuter or otherwise is your personal opinion and I recommend that you keep it to yourself.  You and I have talked on numerous occasions in the past and you have never brought any of your contempt or hate up to me verbally, for you to do so on Facebook is cowardice and shameful.  I am embarrassed for you and I hope that you understand that Intolerance and Bigotry and Hatred are not welcome here!  I have fought my entire life against society and people like you who have a warped opinion of reality, who refuse to see the truth of the situation and cling to the belief that Gay is a Choice.

Let me be the first to enlighten you!  It is not a choice, it is not a lifestyle that is accepted or easy to live, and unless you have tried it you wouldn't understand the prejudice, hatred and pressure we get from everyone around us that want us to be just like them.  No matter how hard I have struggled, endured and come through, I still wouldn't want to be someone like you a bitter lonely woman whose own son has used and abused,  for the sake of his drug addiction. 

Your words struck a chord in me and caused me to lash out towards you, to fall back from them and re-assess who I thought you were.  I once thought you were a friend, someone who understood me and accepted me as a person.  I never knew that you harbored such feelings against me as I saw glaring off Facebook this evening.  I am overwhelmed with pity for you and feel sorry that you have missed out on love and companionship of people like me. Because there is definitely something broken inside of you to make you think less of a person because of their personal identity.

I do mean personal identity, because no other term fits my description.  I have not participated in Gay Sex or Straight Sex in years, yet I have a boyfriend whom I love with all my heart, I have been by his side for 5 years and I had another boyfriend before him whom I was with for 10 years and just one more before him that I was with for 12 1/2 years.  I am not promiscuous or prone to having multiple sexual partners.  I find someone who similar tastes and beliefs as myself and who enjoys being in my company and I in his. 

I didn't wake up one day and just decide that I wanted to be gay, that it was cool or fun.  It certainly wasn't for the pleasure because let me explain, it had nothing to do with sexual gratification it has been more about who I felt more comfortable being around, and who I could express myself around totally.  I many not be your run of the mill gay person, and I may not have a conventional relationship because it is based on something other than sex because me and my partner haven't had the luxury of participating in that event since my colon cancer and loss of my anus and large intestines.

I define myself by a sense of belonging to a community of individuals who are like minded who are attracted to members of the same sex, and I love as hard and as deeply as those with sexual relations.  Unfortunately, I am unable to participate in the activity in the way or manner that I like so I tend to avoid it now. I have come through some dark times, battled depression and I have come to terms with my limitations and yet I still identify myself as being gay.

Whatever your opinion is of my lifestyle I am telling you to keep it out of your mouth and off of my page.  I have dealt with people like you my entire life and I will fight you and I will tell the world your sad little story if you want me too and you know I know it.  I don't want to make this a war, because I am sure you don't want your personal business spread out for the world to judge and see.  But that is the major difference between you and me.  See I have been in the Gay Community and a leader in it since 1986 here in Orlando, Atlanta, Los Angeles and Dallas, I organized the first gay pride march in downtown Orlando, was instrumental in starting Gay Days at Disney and instead of hiding myself I have been out there on the front line, I know what hatred is, and I have battled against intolerance.  I am and advocate for equality, and gay unions, and I am a public speaker.  I am an award winning author who wrote the play "The Changing Face of AIDS" and I am a member of the Positive Champions Speaker's Bureau who teaches and battles the myths and misconceptions the public has against HIV/AIDS.  I am not some quiet person who doesn't have a voice.

I have published many articles, stories and poems, have even penned some science fiction in my time.  My blog Uncle B's Corner has over 2 million visitors and read in every country in the world.  I have a platform and a forum. I also am attuned to my writers voice and I know that you are hurting inside yourself and don't like you own life, but you have no right to place your burdens on me or my readers. 

As I have said before and I mean it.  Your Intolerance and Hate is not welcome here and if you don't have something positive and constructive to say I invite you to stop reading my blog, and my Facebook post because they are intended for my friends, and people who care about what is going on with me and what is happening in my life.  Middle aged old bitter women with hidden agenda's personal bias and bigotry are not welcome here!!!

My name is Bryan Zepp, I am known as Uncle B and I write about my own personal life and experiences.  I talk about issues that impact my life and I try to help people avoid the mistakes that I have made and try to soften the hurt that they might feel if they screw up.  I am here to make people feel good about themselves and who they are.  I preach love, happiness and light.  I eschew negativity, hatred and idle prattle that means nothing.  No one has the right to invade my space with their own bias, let alone their own rhetoric of intolerance.  If I wanted that I would listen to mainstream media and espouse the national solidarity which I find utterly laughable.  The Moral Majority with the anti-gay marriage stance is archaic and belongs in the middle ages.  We are no longer saved by the law. We are cleansed and saved by Grace.  Spoken by the apostles all over the new testament.  The old covenant between God and Abraham was done away when the temple veil was torn in two and Christ died on the cross.  If you are a true Christian and believe in the resurrection of Christ then I advise you to pull your head out of your ass and read the new testament of the Bible where you will learn that We are now saved by Grace and washed clean by the Blood of the Lamb.  We no longer need intercessors we have a direct link to Heaven through Jesus Christ the Son of God.

He who hath ears let them hear, He who hath eyes let them see.  God is giving us a chance to change our fate and save our world.  We have it in our power to change the course that we are on.  Jesus only preached love, compassion, understanding and tolerance. The world would be such a greater, safer and happier place if we all just learned that simple lesson and accepted one another for who and what we are and embraced each other in love and kindness.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Keep on coming back for more!

No matter how much we fuss and fight with each other we keep coming back for more.  The truth is that we can't get enough of each other.  You complete the other half of me, the fit might not be perfect but you are the only thing that makes me feel the way that you do.

It is true that I pick and find fault it is just my way of telling you that I love you. but the truth is I wouldn't want you any other way.   Love is an impossible creature to hold down and name, but we have tried on so many different names and styles, but is you that I have always dreamed of.

You are my one and only and I hope that I am the same to you.  I have found home in your arms and comfort in your eyes.  I surrender to you because you are the light I follow in the darkness,  I know that in you find safe harbor and rest.

No matter how from you I roam it is you that is always on my mind. I miss your kiss, you touch and your sweet embrace. I count the minutes, hours and days till I see you again. No matter what we have been through I just can't get enough of you.

So, if you were to throw me out the door, I want you to know that I would keep coming back for more.  Because you are my Love, light and everything.  Yes, it is true I treasure and love everything about you.

As always, my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Dare to Dream Make it Happen

Earlier today I posted an entry about fear, I gave a very simple plan to overcome and face that fear.  A way in which we can eliminate some of the risk and weigh the consequences to sway our decision making process.  But, there is something else that I would like to talk to you about.  Dare to dream, because we live in a world today that makes it possible for us to attain our dreams, if we just apply ourselves.  Make every decision with the goal of your dream firmly ahead of you.

Dreams are a wonderful thing, they can propel us to be better than ourselves.  One person can change the world, one idea can spark a universe of change.  Great leaders are called to service and if you are wondering by what I mean when I say called? I am talking about sharing your passion with the world, exploring your dreams and soaring to the heights of your imagination.  Life is short and fleeting, but each of us adds our own unique signature to the world as we pass through it.  We are unique works of art and we enhance the world that knows us.

I bet the Benjamin Franklin never thought that any of his letters or works of writing would be remembered and quoted hundreds of years after his death.  He was a diplomat, inventor, writer, and many other things.  What makes us worthy of being remembered in the history books?  Will we be remembered like the President, or a famous person?  Maybe not on such a grand scale.  But I will tell you that someone in this world who has been touched by you and your life and presence  will remember you always.  Who knows my writing maybe remembered way after I have left this world. 

I have been told that my writing is simply easy to understand and extremely to the point on many issues facing those around me and who read my blog.  But, my blog for me is mainly as a coping mechanism and a place where I can purge my inner pain and issues.  I have never wanted to be famous, I just wanted to be liked and have the ability to help people who are dearly in need.  My dream has always been to leave my mark on this world by knowing that I have touched, helped, inspired as many people as I could and that they will always remember me. 

You cannot succeed in this world if you don't try and apply effort.  You will only find true happiness within yourself. Trust me when I tell you that you will only enjoy the work that you do if it is what you have a passion for.  Celebrate your talent and follow your hearts desires, you owe it to yourself to be true to your dream.  Remember, that life is but a fleeting thing and we cannot all be famous, but we all can be remembered by our friends and those that have loved us.  

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What are you looking for?? Wonder why you can't find it?

Folks how many of you are searching for something to change in your life?  How many of you are looking for love?  How many of you are looking for something but have no idea what it is?  Just last week I told you what I was looking for.  Those of you who have been reading my blog know that I have been searching for love in every conceivable place.  I couldn't find it, and neither will you.  Face it folk you and I have been looking in all the wrong places.  The search for love must start within, no one else can give it to you, and it just isn't lying on the ground.  Love is a very many splendid thing and if you don't love yourself you can't love anyone else.

Now, I have come to terms with myself, I have found my true self, the self that I gave away in my last relationship, the person that I used to be.  I have the confidence and the courage to stand on my own. But I had to dig deep within myself, I had to be brutally honest with myself. No more excuses, no more rationalizations.  I had to come clean with my fears, feelings, my desires and my wants.  I needed to concentrate on all the things that mattered to me the most.  You have to believe me when I tell you that healing comes from within.  Forgiveness when given openly releases you from your pain and allows you to gain closure. You cannot hold any grudges in your heart. You have to surrender and let go of all of you, you can't do it piecemeal it is an all or nothing thing.

What I can tell you is that people who have known me for years had to take a second look at me, there is an air about me now that wasn't there before.  I hold my head up with confidence, I am once again driven, I have revived my passions, and I have grown.  I have to say thank you for those who are in my past, you have helped me grow and become the person that I am today, but change has come upon that person and has made something better than what was there before.  I am whole again and I am so happy. I have a spirit of total love and compassion, take a good look at me because the person you see before you now is not the same person who was here before.

I was lost and wandering, I had little or no direction. I was on  a path of destruction, I chose drugs to ease my pain and deal with my issues without acknowledging them.  By doing so I had set myself up for failure, and came close to dying way too many times.  Yet, the part of me that I have found again has given me a new resolve, and inner strength and peace that I cannot describe to you.  I can tell you that I have never had a closer walk with God than I do right now. I can see things so clearly now that the haze and the smoke from self-pity and self destruction have cleared away.  I have found that life is something that is worth living.  I knew in my heart that I had a calling on Earth and a mission that God had planned for me.  But I didn't know what it was or how to even find the path that I needed to be on.  But something in my life changed recently and I have to tell you that my whole world was turned upside down but once it all started to settle everything was exactly where it needed to be.

Change is in the air and I keep telling people to expect it, but when it happens everyone seems to still be amazed when the change has come upon them. You have to understand that life is a cycle and what was will come again.  None of us can run fast enough to escape the change that is coming.  No matter what you do you will find yourself in the midst of it before you know what is happening.  It moves as fast as the wind and will blow you over you are not going to even know when it is going to happen.  As a race humans have a tendency to walk with their eyes downcast, and if you walk like that you miss all the things that are happening around you. If you are wearing blinders you can only see and face that which is directly in front of you you miss everything else that is happening around you.  However, remove the blinders raise the head up and your heart will follow.  I believe that when we remove the blinders and we start to look up at the sky we can see everything that is happening around us.

The Bible tells us to be of the world but not in the world, and I have been trying for years to balance that walk and be divine in my actions, more often that not I have been pulled into the world and started doing the drugs again.  Yet, something is different this time and the temptation is gone.  I know that now is the time that for me to start my work again,  I don't think that their is a lure out there that would tempt me across that line again, especially since the last time that I tried to do any type of drug I got so sick that I thought I was going to die.  It was recently too, and for that I am sorry. I have become my own man, and I think that now is the time for me to begin again.

So often times people look all over for different things, they look for love, friendship, relationships and hope in all the wrong places.  It is often elusive and difficult and they loose hope and begin to despair.  They forget that God is there and is watching over them. That He has a plan for them and their lives.  But what is even more funny is that most of the time the exact thing we are looking and praying for have been given too us and we don't even recognize it.  We are actually seeing it and don't realize that our prayer has been answered.  So many times the things that we desire the most are right in front of our face and yet we miss it completely.
You don't know how many times I have been looking for a connection with someone, a closeness, a bond that I can't describe in full detail.  But I know that things happen for a reason and I have to have faith that God has a plan for me.  However, it is funny that I am writing about this today because as I was praying ove the weekend, a dawning realization came over me.  I have had what I have been looking for in my life for a very long time and I never even knew it.

But as I posted on Facebook this morning God hears our prayers, sees our plight, knows what we are going through and what we desire.  Our prayers are heard and answered on His timetable and not our own.  He is never late you can bet on that, He is exactly on time.  Just you wait and see.  I think you will find that everything that I have said to you is absolute gospel.  If it is His will it will be granted unto you when the time is right.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Approach of Spring

You can smell in on the night breeze that wafts through the window, the warm days and cool nights as winter looses it hold on the world.  It is on those warm night breezes that hope springs forth like the new growth of the plants outside.

Spring is a time of hope, a time of renewal and joy.  It is when nature comes back to life after it's winter hibernation. You can smell fresh smell of growth as the breeze filters through the screen door and out my window.

As the winter snows recede and new life breaks through the fertile earth, the daffodils grow lean and tall and as their blossom open to the new days sun.  It is the symbol that spring has finally come.  I remember watching as the stalks of the daffodils broke through the earth and i knew that winter was finally over.

It doesn't matter whether the groundhog had seen it's shadow or not, time waits for no one and the earth rotation continues ever onward.  The long winter nights are over and the days start to stretch ever longer.

Take hope in the new spring as it grows all around you. For it is easy to believe that everything is good and right in the world as the new foliage spring forth from the ground.  Feel that warm spring breeze as if flies through your window, smell the flowers as the new leaves sprout on trees.

It is the rain of spring that brings new life and the fertile earth gives new birth.  Enjoy the weather for the calm days of spring bring in the harsh warmth of summer.  Rain is scarce during the summer but so abundant in the spring.

I believe in the spring comes hope and joy.  I hope that you find it this season.  Because before you know it the world will have rotated and summer will be upon you.  Take with you the hope that spring gives you and use it throughout the year. Beware that the heat of summer will try and drain the hope you have gained.  You can weather this just as autumn like spring it  has cool nights and warm days.

Autumn and Spring complete a cycle of life, birth, growth and aging and death.  The seasons represent our lives and how we should live.  Remember that winter won't last forever and spring will come again.  It is the hope that new life will be born in the world that keeps you alive and well throughout the fall and winter.  Summer is the harsh reality of it all the stark sun drying the earth and withering the growth, it is during this time that growth is completed.

Take hope in the spring and make it last the whole year through.  Remember the warm days and cool nights because they come twice a year for you to signal the change of life to death.  Warm days in the spring and cool nights they come again in the autumn those same warm days and cool nights.

Remember I believe in you always.  Take heart in the new birth and growth that spring is about to bring you.  Learn to live your life in the moment and enjoy the seasons as they come.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B.

When you make time still

Last night we talked about how life comes out of darkness and from strife comes change.  I wanted to talk to you more about darkness and moments in our lives when we need to sit back and reflect.  Each of us comes to a point in our lives when we look back over our life and are disheartened by where we are at.  Most of the time this comes when we are down and are trying to figure out which way we have to go.  Darkness has descended on our lives and our emotions are all embroiled.  I reflect back and I look at where I am today and I am saddened because I sometimes feel like I have been a complete failure.  My father said once that Bryan look at your life and what you have lost, you are 46 years old and you should know better.  You cannot help everyone, some people don't want saving, and they just want to take advantage of you and your kindness. You should be so much more secure in your life and situation.  FAILURE is what that message screamed to me, making me feel even worse about myself and the my life.

See, I never thought that at 46 I would be living back at my dad's struggling to get back on my feet and to turn my life around.  If you look back at where I have been and what I had you will begin to realize that my life wasn't so bad.  But from my current vantage point it is just so much easier to see where I am and not where I have been.  Yes, I miss my home, my cars, my friends, my old life, but the loss was not of my own doing.  I had some fault in the matter, but illness took the center stage in my life and rewrote my story.  This can happen to anyone, no matter where you are at in life and what you have achieved, illness can come in and with a wide sweeping reach can take everything away in a blink.  I have been going through a very dark place for a very long time, and it will never be over.  What I look forward to is the bits of light that break through that darkness and for a little bit light my path.  In other words, from 2005 till now I have been in and out of hospitals constantly and have been fighting for my life. I have been sick and there doesn't seem to be an end to this in sight. Yet, there have been spots in this turmoil where I have met friends, partners and lovers, that have made life bearable.

During those times of darkness and when the doubt and despair creep in, I need to take the time to reflect and make time stand still. I need to look back at my life and see the whole thing. See the bigger picture.  See, it isn't where I am at that is important. No, it was the journey that brought me here.  It is what has molded me, crafted me and made me into the person I am today.  When I look at all I have done, been and accomplished my life doesn't seem so bleak at all.  As a matter of fact my life starts looking to like a plot to a movie or a great fast paced book.  I have had such a colorful past, many interesting friends and have been into so many things and through so much drama that you would think that I couldn't have possibly lived like that.  Trust me, anyone that knows me can tell you that I have had a very blessed and magical life.  So,  when I take the time to actually reflect and see the entire picture the story doesn't seem so hopeless or tragic, on the contrary it starts to look pretty darn good.

In our darkest times and we are stuck without light I believe that there comes a point just before the light crests the horizon that we come to terms with whatever it is that we are going through and just at the perfect precise moment that all things seem possible to us.  Like life is renewing itself and everything starts to seem right again in the world.  Now, you might be wonder what in the world am I talking about.  If you remember back to an article I wrote in 2012 I told you that there are no perfect moments in our lives, that time waits for no one and we have to create those special moments by doing little things to make those moments memorable forever.  It is my belief that during our trials, tribulations and pain, there comes a single moment when we have made a decision to change and have started to take steps on that new path that a moment of clarity comes to us and we know that what we are doing is possible.

This is just another point in my discussion that strengthens my argument that out of darkness comes life.  That the strife that we face in life (darkness) is the catalyst for change. During our journey through that time of darkness there comes a moment in our thought process where we begin to look for answers and an escape from the trouble that is hounding us.  I believe that when we sit back and reflect on our lives, and see the journey and the destinations we have had along the way we make time still and our mind calms and we can see all the possible solutions to our situation.

Just keep this in mind that everything changes, and you have to too in order to evolve. Nothing last forever, and in the darkness everything seems possible at some points.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

The weather is Dreary but disposition is Cheery!

I woke up this morning with the usual suspects..aches, pains and that persistent cough.  But the other thing I woke up to was the phone ringing and a pleasant and happy sounding voice on the other end of the line.  Often it is the opposite when the phone rings in this house.  You have know idea who is going to be at the other end of the phone, and in my case it is usually bill collectors calling about this hospital bill or lab test that I haven't been able to pay for.  See no matter what I do it seems impossible for me to cover all the expenses that this illness has brought to me.  I do have medicare, and I now have insurance from the company I work for but it still doesn't cover everything.

Even with the President's attempts to help people like me with the new healthcare legislation the slope is still very slippery, and now the choices that we have aren't all that clear to us.  Plus, none seem to cover everything and I am still stuck in a situation where I have to pay large sums of money to receive the care that I need just to survive.  Not to mention the cost of the prescription drugs that I have to take for my HIV, which are not covered in the formulary for medicare's 100 percent coverage.  I still have to pay over a $1000.00 per perscription per month for my drugs, though my antibiotics and most other medicines are covered at 100%.

Now, for those of you not in Florida this morning's weather is quite cloudy with heavy wind gusts and it is cooler than I am used too.  It has been like this since Friday and I am hoping that the cloud cover will dissapate soon.  However, as I said in the title it maybe dreary or gloomy outside but my inside is full of happiness and cheer. Despite the fact that I have been sick with bronchitis I woke up this morning with a song in my heart and a hope for a great and blessing filled week.  Like I wrote last night I have been going through the motions of living for the past year.  I mean I have been going to treatments, working, hanging out with my partner and basically doing the day to day minimum to life, but I haven't been out there in the fore front of activity.  I haven't been to a Positive Champions Speakers Bureau meeting in a year, or PCHAP or any of the other organizations that I was a member and active participant of.  You may ask me why is that, and I would have to tell you because I haven't felt good, that I haven't had the time or energy and honestly my health hasn't been up too it.  Every one of those things is the truth and even individually on their own would keep a normal person from participating.  But as you know I am far from normal and I am usually pretty active.  However, I just couldn't get into the groove of things this past year and I let so much slide.

Yet, for whatever reason this morning has been different and I feel a renewed energy and a sense of purpose that I haven't felt in quite awhile and despite my cold and bronchitis I feel that I need to be up and doing something.  I have made coffee already and several phone calls and the day has barely begun. I think that my long road of holding has finally come to an end.

This has happened to me one other time in my life when I went from being in an extensive pattern of holding to bursting forth from it with a renewed vigor and I can tell you it was the Summer of 2008 after my last ileostomy.  It was June, I remember precisely because it was before Atlanta changed the dates on their Gay Pride celebrations.  I had gone through 2 years of intense holding because of repeated surgeries on my colon and abdomin.  Finally I woke up one June morning and decided to put on shorts and go out into the world and see if anyone noticed that I was wearing a colostomy bag.  Guess what they didn't and my sense of self and self esteem were tremendously bolstered by that fact. Then I learned techniques that have kept it hidden from everyone until I have been ready to reveal it and that too helped my confidence level. See it took me taking that step out there and going on blind faith to get out of that pattern and break the mold that was holding me in fear and self-loathing and let me tell you that having bags to use the rest room is quite a morale deterrent and something that I had to live through and get over.  Going out into public and having people seem me as totally normal and not noticing that the bags were there was a big boost to my ego, self confidence and so forth.  That day changed the way I viewed myself and the way I let other perceive me as well.  Today I woke up with that same renewed feeling of self confidence and hope for a brighter tomorrow.

Remember it is not the outside package that means anything at all it is what you have on the inside that matters.  Hold yourself with self confidence and poise and you will attract others like yourself too you and things will start to look up.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Not Knowing Might Just Be a Good Thing!

I was talking with a friend today, telling him about how confusing life can be and how I don't know which direction I want to take my life in.  It was then when I was talking to him that I realized it might not be a bad thing not knowing where I am going.  I have tried the college thing, and sitting in an office thing. I have had many careers in my life, and each and everyone of them I didn't actually enjoy.  There were some that I like more than others, there were some that definitely paid more than the one before.  But, where was my happiness, enjoyment, fulfillment and passion?  It wasn't too be had in any of the things I have done.  Since I started writing again, I  have found a peace and contentment that I haven't felt before. I feel a connection to each and everyone of my readers, and a sense of fulfillment I have never felt before.

This year I learned what passion is about, it is about doing the things that we love, what makes us feel content and happy doing. I love people, all kinds of people, I love talking, and I love helping out where and when I can.  This is why I write my blog, it brings me a joy and a peace that I can only describe to you.  So what new direction do I see myself going in? Is the path that I am on going to lead me to the right place?  I don't know the answers to those things, but here is what I do know. I know that I love talking to people, doing things for them, and being around them.  I am happiest in a crowd and yet alone.  I don't know if that makes any sense to you, but it does to me.  I feed off the energy of those around me, their excitement, their passions, and their needs.

Some of you are aware that I am going back to school to learn cosmetology, something that I am pretty sure I will be good out, I seem to have a real artistic flair not only with writing, but drawing as well. I have found that I am very good with my hands, and have pretty good dexterity which will come in handy trying to style and cut peoples hair.  I also have a mind that is constantly full of ideas and designs, so maybe I will take my career further and become a hair designer, or start doing hair shows and competitions. I guess it just depends on what happens.  I leave so much of my life up for grabs, because when I try to plan out things and work toward those plans, everything falls apart. I am more of a fly by the seat of my pants kind of guy.  It has worked for me pretty much so far, and I can't complain about the things I have done or the accomplishments I have made.

But, while talking to my friend I realized that having goals and dreams are but resting points along the way of life's journey.  Because once we reach those goals and get them behind us we have to make new ones or grow stagnant.  The important thing is not the goals, but how we got there, the obstacles we have overcome the hurtles we have jumped and the accomplishments we have made along the way.  Another thought jumped in my head as I was talking about this. There have been times in my life where I have set goals, or milestones and never reached them.  I looked back from where I was at resting, and was disappointed because I had other plans, other goals, and other aspirations that just didn't get fulfilled.  But, when I looked closely at where I was at, I discovered something. God had brought me to the exact place, in the exact moment that I needed to be there, so that I could learn a lesson, endure a hardship or receive a reward.  So, in the long run, I hadn't failed, I just hadn't quite got to my destination yet.  I needed training and instruction along the way, which is exactly what I got. Because the lessons I learned at each point in my life were important and something that I carried forward and still use today.

I also understand why some people now have trouble making up their mind and sticking to a decision.  See there is a thing called fear, that will stop us in our tracks, it will paralyze us and keep us from trying.  It is something that can be detrimental to our journey if we let it.  Sometimes, our own past, and our rationale stop us from trying. We over analyze our situation, we try to comprehend and make everything make perfect sense, and when we can't we are held in a single spot.  How can you ever get anywhere if you have to understand it perfectly, you can't.  Don't let your own mind or fear hold you back from trying and experiencing something new.  Sometimes you got put yourself out there and take a leap of faith, either it is going to be worth it or it isn't.  If it turns out to not be what your expecting or if your aren't 100 percent comfortable, it might be time for regrouping, reevaluating and moving on.  You have to do for you.  No one else is going to be able to do it for you.  Remember that happiness and contentment are found within yourself, not outside of yourself.

While I was talking to my friend I started explaining to him how I make my choices.  I explained to him that I do a risk assessment of each situation. Believe it or not it is something I learned in business school and it is something that I apply to my daily life and living each and every day. Who said that you can't learn something practical and useful in the business world?  Anyhow, I talk about this extensively in my blog entry on Mitigating your Risks, but I want to go back over it briefly here.  Because I think it is important for you to understand, that if you weigh the benefits and the risks, and you find the benefits outweigh the risks than that is the option I would take.  But before I go off on that I do risk mitigation, which is an important part for setting yourself up for success.  See you look at each of the risks that you have identified and you see what you can do to lessen them or eliminate them totally.  When you do that you have a sound game plan that is ready for execution, and your investment of time, energy, money and emotions should get a strong return.

So what am I actually trying to tell you?  I am trying to tell you that sometimes you just have to step out there and just do something, that you don't necessarily have to know the direction or path to take, you just have to trust that you can take care of yourself and that you can make it.  Let me try and give you an example of what I mean.  I have a friend that is trying to decide where he wants to relocate to.  He has several choices and options that are open to him.  He can come to Florida, go to Atlanta, he can stay where he is, or he can go to New York or other places.  Everyday he over analyzes and thinks about the situation, and every day it is a different choice, he is stuck in a state of confusion and indecision.  He needs to honestly think about it very topically, see where his best options lie and go for where the best return of his efforts are going to get him.  Or he can step out and accept the hand of friendship and take a leap of faith, start over fresh.  If that doesn't work out for him he can then change his options and try something new or different.  See, in his case he is so intent on the analysis of the risks and benefits, that he can't get past it, he can't comprehend all of the risks involved because he is over analyzing and making the decision harder.  He is also holding back because he is afraid, he was hurt the last time he made a decision and it didn't turn out well, now he is afraid that will happen all over again. This my friends is what fear does, it paralyzes you and won't give your brain time or energy to actually view the problem logically and come up with a proper solution.  Also that fear is keeping him from truly understanding all the risks involved in the decision making process.

You have to let go of the past, accept the mistakes that were made in it, in order to move on. You have to let go of the fear that is holding you back and you have to make a decision. As long as you have a support network and a fall back plan what is it going to hurt you to just make a move.  Remember that no matter what you are moving again on the path, you can always change directions, gears or plans, but if you are standing still not moving you are not really living.

Let me know if this helps any of you.  I know that I know now that no matter what I decide or the direction I take that I am assured that I will be at the right place, at just the right time, and I will continue to learn the lessons that I am meant to learn. I may have to adjust my goals, priorities and desires, but guess what it will all be worth it in the end.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What happened to old fashion romance and passion in relationships?

I was on the phone with one of my ex's, someone that I was with for quite a while about 25 years ago.  He is  2 years younger than I am and he is now dating a 27 year old.  He was telling me that his sex life has become almost no existent, that there doesn't seem to be any passion or affection outside of the few times they have sex.  Which had gone from 3 or 4 times a weekend to now 1 or 2 times every 3 or 4 weeks.  This got me wondering what happened to old fashion romance and passion, where are the cuddling nights sitting on the couch watching a movie together and snuggling?  Have those days gone by?  Are they gone forever?  That brings me back to how can we ignite our love and make it something real and tangible for every day?

See, I am all too aware that there are some relationships that are based on mutual affection, and then there are some that are based genuinely on love, with those few that are just relationships of convenience. Where two people are sharing the same lives, but not the same dreams and goals.  It must be sad to feel like you are just roommates with an occasional benefit thrown in every once in awhile.  We have talked about relationships in the past and how some are just like business arrangements, that are beneficially mutual to both parties concerned.  But what happens when one of the party develops deeper feelings for the other that is not reciprocated?

This I think is what happens in most gay relationships, they start out good because we, and I am using the term we here because I fall into the same category and pattern here, have a tendency to start our relationships off the wrong way. We meet out in a bar, or sometimes with the advent of the internet and all the dating sites, we start off meeting the person, hanging out and before we know it we are having sex.  We continue to see that person and the sex continues.  Gay men seem to have a misconception that sex and chilling together equates a relationship.  We don't go out on traditional dates, we don't explore the other person fully we just jump into it with both feet so to speak.  Now, again I can only speak from personal experience, but I have found that the longest relationships that I have had I came at them with a different focus.  For example, yes I met Joe my ex of 12 1/2 years by answering a personal add on a computer bulletin board, this is before the internet.  We emailed and spoke to one another daily for 6 moths before we ever met.  We talked about everything and we explored each other before we ever met.  When we did meet I will admit that the first thing we did was have sex.  Then we went to dinner with my best friend and chilled out.  For the first week we were inseparable, then he had to go back to Atlanta for work, but 2 weeks later he was back in Florida at a job site at the beach, I was actually off of work at the time and was able to meet up with him and spent that week together with him also.  We talked about moving me up to Atlanta with him, and he even invited me up for a weekend to see if I liked it.  Well with me being there, his roommate came forward and told him how much he cared about him and a lot of drama ensued.  I ended up coming back to Florida and talking with the management company of the complex I was living at and found that I could transfer my lease up to Atlanta for only $50.00 which is what we decided to do.  Joe and I lived in that apartment in Atlanta for 7 months, most of which time he was never home. I moved to Atlanta and for 5 months he was on the road, and I barely ever saw him.  I had gotten a job and started working the Monday after I had moved up there so there was no lapse in pay for me.    But let me tell you something even doing it that way, getting to know someone via email and text messaging was not enough.  We didn't know each other and didn't give ourselves a chance to get to know one another. Before we knew it we were buying a house together and getting dogs, and before I blinked 5 years had gone by.  We were always arguing and fighting and with him travelling so much, there wasn't very much sex between us.  But it was okay because I went back to school got my bachelors and master's degrees and kept myself busy while he was away.

The long and the short of it is that with the technology of today, people aren't spending time together and learning about each other. They read an online profile, go out on a date and jump right into the sack with the other person.  This doesn't make for a successful relationship at all.  Eventually, there are going to be incompatibilities and things that you learn about one another that may change the dynamic of the relationship. If you really care about the person you are with you have to keep the relationship exciting and full of love and feeling. Each one of you needs to be reaffirmed that the other cares about you and feels the same way you do.  Affection goes part of the way in doing this, but there has to be verbal affirmation as well. You need to hear it as well as feel it.  You need to do simple little things that let the other know what you are feeling towards them. That them running around naked still turns you on and makes you happy.  Hide little gifts around, with notes telling them how special they are an what you think about them.  Keep in mind that for most people a compliment on the way they look and about their personality will go a long way in reassuring them that you still love and care for them.

My advice to you is that if you want to really discover and find someone that cares about you.  Take it slow, get to know them, keep the sex part out of it for as long as you can.  Learn all about them, their likes, their dislikes, their favorite things, go out and explore the world together, and do all of this before ever stepping into the bedroom.  Because honestly sex stirs up emotions and puts strings on things that maybe should be tied up.  I have met tons of people online that advertise that they are looking for casual encounters with no strings attached (NSA).  Guess what that doesn't work for me, because after being with them and having sex  with them several times, I find myself getting attached, and falling for them.  However, as I explained above, I really hadn't gotten to know anything about them, and when it finally and inevitably ends I am the one that is hurting because I connected with that person sexually, I enjoyed being with that person, yet the only thing I truly knew about the person is what they liked to do sexually.  When I tried dating some of them, it would only last a short while because outside of the bedroom we would have nothing in common, and those that I did have something with didn't understand the concept of monogamy.  So what I am trying to tell you is that you might save yourself some heartache and trouble if you take the time upfront to get to know someone really before you ever jump into bed with them.

Then there are those that you have had sexual relationships with that you feel a kind of connection with that you think you might want to explore further, but how do you go from being a Fuck Buddy to a full partner?  The answer is that it can be done but with some difficulty, and patience and a lot of hard work. Because you have to get over the preconceived notions that each of you have built over the casual encounters. You have to take the time to really get to know the person and you have to be willing to start over from scratch, like the past never happened.  You can't walk into it and hope that it will gel and work, because it doesn't happen like that. Further, you can't expect everything to fall into place immediately, both of you are going to be at different places in your lives and you are going to have to work hard to bring them together.  Because the only way that you can make that type of relationship work is if you are willing to join everything together and start over as a single unit.  You can't come at if from two different points of view and expect that your goals, expectations and living situation are just going to fall into alignment.  You have to work together, to make a new starting place, fresh, free from the past and you have to work toward building a future together. As my friend in Seattle once told me, the past is behind, keep hold of the memories, but you have to let go of those feelings and emotions and move forward.  Forward, is the only way that you can possibly be together, you have to start over in a totally new found place where both of you are on equal footing and no one has the advantage.  Get to know one another again, this time from a friend and lover standpoint and not from the sexual standpoint.  You already know what they like to do sexually, but what about the rest of their life. What do you know about that? Are you willing to join in and help them reach their personal goals?  Are you even aware of their personal goals? How do their goals line up with your own?  Then what kind of goals are you and your partner going to want to have together?

See it is very important for you you have a set of goals that provide you a map toward where you are trying to get too.  Each of you should have individual goals that will keep you both moving forward, but for a relationship to work you also have to have common relationship goals that both of you are willing to work on together.  It is extremely important for a relationship to work to have manageable and achievable goals that both of you are willing to work on together.  Plus you have to be willing to support your partners individual goals and they yours.  This will make a sound foundation for the relationship and one that is designed to grow.  If everyone could get to this point the divorce rate in our country would be on the decline instead of constantly rising each year.

So, what I would like to recommend to you at this point no matter in what type of relationship you find yourself in, if you are wanting to make it work and care about each other than you have to learn how to come together and keep it interesting, new and inviting. You are going to have to talk about your own goals and those of your partner, see where each of you can help the other to reach and achieve their goals. You also have to find goals that will keep the relationship moving forward, and growing as well, these are the common goals I was talking to you about. You have to learn how to keep the mystery and romance alive, do little things that remind each other how much you care and what you love about the other one. You also have to talk to one another, be truthful with your fear, dreams, hopes, desires and most importantly your feelings.  Communication and honesty are as important as the affection and sexual parts of the relationship.  Make time to spend with one another and make it romantic and special.  Remember that just because life hasn't presented you with the perfect opportunity, you can make one.  Keep in mind that each moment is unique and special, it is never going to be repeated in the whole of history, so take it and make it unique and special for you and the one that you love.

Surround yourself with positive energy, and friends that are supportive, cling to optimistic people, and shy away from the pessimists, they will hold you back.  Also assess your current friends and loved one, those that are taking more away from you than they are giving are holding you back and keeping you from reaching your full potential you have to cut them loose, let them go.  Remember only you have you own best interest at heart, and those that don't support you or in some way add benefit to your goals, ambitions, and desires you should let them go.  You and your partner do not need to have others hanging around bringing you down, you need people that care about you and are supportive of you both and are willing to build you up.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Rekindling a Relationship from embers to full flame--An Experiment

As many of you know I have embarked on a new adventure in my life. I have flung away my past, changed my venue and pretty much all of my friends. Moving to a place where I knew absolutely nobody, an hour and a half from where I grew up. Challenges have presented themselves with my health, yet I took initiative and decided to change my fate on Friday 13th, also known as Freaky Friday, a day that legend states one can revers ones fortunes.  Some of you maybe away that my relationship status changed a few weeks ago from single to it's complicated.  You may have seen my entry on "Gay Relationships and long-distance". Some of you might have guessed that entry and several others have been this change.  Parts of the story have to remain a mystery for just a little while longer yet.  However, there are a few things I can take the liberty of discussing with you! It is not my normal style not to offer full disclosure of events, as you are probably well aware from reading my blog.  But in the interest of mutual agreement we have decided to go this route.  I feel obligated to assuage some or ya'll's fear by giving you a general background on the situation and what our plans entail. But as with all things his is a dynamic, a work in progress, and subject to change without notice.  So without further ado I shall explain.

This relationship is not one of frivolity, it hasn't been entered into lightly at all.  A great deal of energy, sweat, and tears have gone into it.  If my memory serves me correctly, and I am sure if it doesn't I will be corrected.  But I believe this Thanksgiving day will be our five year anniversary. Strange as it may seem and as hard as it is to believe, I think I am right.  Because Sterling and I broke up just prior to then.  It was Sterling who brought us together initially, and another person named Will that kept us together. Now, you have to keep in mind that this relationship has always been open til now.  You might even say that we were FB's (F--k Buddies) that grew to care too much about each other.  Approximately one year ago give or take a few days, tragedy struck and we were separated by distance and illness. At which point I didn't think we would ever see each other again. Plus, my situation in Atlanta rapidly changed as well.  Due to some hard work of some "frienemies" I ended up literally on the streets of Atlanta where I stayed and learned how to survive and chase that paper! Some of you know exactly what I mean! I actually learned the art of hustle.  Let me digress for a brief moment and explain this, I have no regrets about what happened and I most certainly wouldn't change a thing.  I learned a lot of valuable lessons that will go a long way in my life. Back to the details, anyhow in October of last year I met someone named Bobby, that I hit it off really well and for a little while I thought we were going to be a couple.  Well as fate would have it I ended up getting sick and had to have surgery, which eventually let me to call my dad and ask if I could come down to Florida to stay with him.  Of course, I hadn't realized at the time that he wasn't living in Orlando, that him and my step mom had moved to Ormond Beach.  They agreed and in February I moved back to Florida.

I kept in touch with a few people, especially Bobby and I asked him to come down, he said he would  and that he wanted to. That he wanted to give us another try, but here we are in September almost and he still isn't here.  On March 5, 2012 I had a trip planned to go to Atlanta to get my things, visit some friends and possibly get Bobby and bring him back after the weekend was over.  Fate, stepped in again and the trip never actually happened.  My colon ruptured in two places and I started to bleed  to death. I was rushed into emergency surgery, died on the table three times, I am told and spent 29 days in intensive care.  I was told that my prognosis wasn't looking good.  That the doctor's didn't think I would make it till Christmas. So, I got on the computer and I tracked down all my close friends and ex's to let them know what was going on.  One of them is the person this is about by the way! When we talked I found out that he was going through his own battle and struggling with his help as well.  He also chose to inform me at the time he didn't consider us broken up and that we were still together. It took him six months of patient perseverance to break down the walls surrounding my heart and mind to get me to understand that he truly loved me.  Now here's the interesting part we talk, text, chat, Facebook, all day everyday since March. I have had a miraculous recovery.  THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR PRAYERS AND SUPPORT THROUGH THIS!!!! /As of last doctor's visit there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with me whatsoever now.  My prognosis is perfect health.  Can you say AMEN, I believe in the Power of Prayer!!

Here I sit 4 1/2 years later talking with someone that literally had to beat me over the head for me to accept his love. Originally, I was going to go see him, but he had some disappointing news last week, when he called me I could tell how upset he was and so I had him tell me what happened.  Once I found out and heard the sadness and the defeat in his voice, I invited him out here to see me for a visit to see if he liked the area, and to possibly see if this might be a place that he might be willing to move too.  He accepted and will be here on Sunday, September 2, 2012.  I am definitely stoked and excited about this and yes very happy. I am also scared, I want everything to be perfect.  But I know that nothing ever is.  I am also starting to work tomorrow, because I was bored sitting at home and I wanted to get out and meet new people, plus have a little extra cash. So now do you fully understand where I am at?  A 4 1/2 year old FB relationship turned into a serious monogamous new relationship. We both know how we feel toward each other, this past year of separation has made us realize how much we care and need each other.  We could have easily lost each other because of what happened to him and his near death and then mine...

How do I take these smoldering embers of love, lust and passion and fan them back into the roaring flames of desire, romance and ecstasy, with a sprinkling of fantasy thrown in?  Hence the need for my social experiment!

We have the theorem and hypothesis and we postulate that we can accomplish this in a short time frame, and our efforts are going to go into trying to prove and document that they are correct.  Since the subject isn't arriving till next Sunday I cannot give you the answers.  But, I promise you a full report once the experiment concludes.  Here is how the experiment is going to be conducted.  First, subject has a cursory knowledge only of the experiment.  A closed environment is being arranged, a private place at an extended stay for the duration of the visit and experiment.  External variables are going to be minimized, no outside influences will be allowed to enter the test area.  Only the two participants at the hotel! Working on adapting my work schedule so that excursions and adventures can be conducted around the visit.  A whole sprinkling of romantic surprises , including a dinner with the parental units.  Such romantic experiments include walks along the beach together at sunset, shopping excursions to find outfits for his performance dates..unfortunately he has to perform while he is here. Along with apartment/house hunting excursion, followed up with a trip scheduled to visit Tampa, Ft. Lauderdale and Orlando.  Maybe even a visit to the old Mouse of the South himself. Since it has been years since I have been there.  There is even a work trip scheduled to Atlanta and a few other surprise I don't want to lay out here because, MR. MAN does read my blog daily.  Though, currently I think he is 4 days behind and has a lot of reading to catch up on.

I promise the results of this experiment will be published detailing what was done at the conclusion of the experiment.  There shall be a little vlogg interview with the subject giving his views on how this turned out and what he thought of said experiment.  Along with that we plan on releasing a podcast as well.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

You can do it on your own, you don't need anybody!

I know if you are anything like me you don't like being alone at all.  But, I want to tell you that there are some things you are just better at doing by yourself.  It is always nice to have a support network to help you through the rough times in your life, and believe me your friends and family are going to pull together for you and help you through those times, and you won't have to face them alone.  What I am talking about here is that you don't need another person in your life to define you or make you whole.  Sure it is nice to have someone to love, to depend on, to care for, but sometimes the timing is not right or you just can't seem to come together. No matter what the reason is for you being single, understand that you can do it on your own. You don't need someone to hold your hand and coddle you through. One of my fears that I have always had was that I was going to get sick and die alone, that I wouldn't be able to find someone that could care and love me for who I am. Especially after all the surgeries and illnesses I have been through.

Sure it has made it harder for me to find someone who truly and genuinely cares for me, because it seems that having an illness and dwelling on that lowers your defenses, you have a tendency to cling to anyone that shows you the least little bit of attention or affection. I can tell you that this can possibly lead to humiliation and heartbreak, because some of these people are opportunist that are looking for vulnerable people to prey upon and take what they can get from them.  Now, I am not saying that everyone is like that, but you have to be extremely careful because there is a world full of predators out there that are looking for the weak and the vulnerable to prey upon and use up.  I have found myself personally in that situation more than once, and it isn't fun, and it becomes extremely costly.

There is hope for you and anyone really that wants to read and listen.  You honestly don't need anyone to complete you, you can complete yourself.  Trust me when I tell you that you can get sucked into a relationship, you can loose yourself and loose your sense of direction.  Further, once you are in a relationship you are going to go through a lot of changes and compromises, and believe it or not most of your dreams and goals are going to end up taking a back seat in your life.  First in a relationship you are trying to adapt to your new environment and people that you are involved, integrating your friends and their friends into the mix.  Then there is where are you going to live, and how you are going to manage the finances together, because combining two individuals into a pair takes some work, each of you have your own lives and issues that you have to bring together to deal with. You are going to want to deal with them as a team and work them through together.  Plus there is the time that you are going to take getting to know one another better, and of course there is still having to work and possibly going to school to deal with and so many other things.  That you just seem to stop doing your own things, because now you are doing "Our" things.  Meaning as a couple you start doing things together. This is not an altogether bad thing believe me and it happens more than you can imagine.  But as you are combining your lives, and streamlining the excess, and working out a whole new sets of goals, guess what happens to the dreams you once had, you got it, they fall by the wayside, maybe not totally forgotten, but they sure are put on the shelf for later review.

You may even come to discard your old dreams in favor of new dreams that you create with your partner. You both have expectations and desires to reach these dreams and complete them together, but what do you do when that relationship falls apart or just plain disappears?  You are going to find yourself in a difficult place, you are hurt, your world seems upside down, and you don't know what your future is going to hold, and your faith in yourself and in the world around you is going to be very badly shaken.  It may take you awhile to come back to yourself, to pick up the pieces of your shattered life and start over again. But eventually you will do it, and guess what you might even remember those old dreams that you shelved a while back and might decide that now is the perfect time to try them out.  You figure you have nothing to loose and off you go.

Well, I have faith in you, because I have been there and done just what I described above, I started a new life, met someone in 1996 and decided that it was time for a new chapter in my life to begin.  I actually dabbled in some of the things I used to be into, like pencil sketching, drawing, writing, doing research and practicing my beliefs. But honestly, I just dabbled, I wasn't really into it.  I was too busy with my life, relationship, the drama that came with being in a relationship, then I was working and building a career, and buying houses, and cars, etc. Before you knew it my dreams and passions got left behind in the dirt.  Even after my relationship ended, it did last for 12 years, but when it ended, I was too busy trying to find myself, re-establish my identity, figure out a sense of direction and of course get my feet back under me. My dreams unfortunately never had a chance to resurface.  But now that time and distance from my failed relationship have brought into a much clearer focus I remember the dreams I had, and I am finally in a place in my life where I have my feet back under me and a stable foundation on which to build from. So I started writing again, and I have no partner in my life. Those of you that know me and have been following my blogs, know that there are two special people in my life that I have feelings for and they are both far away in Atlanta, and I don't get to talk to them on a regular basis, and that I don't even know if they realize I have an interest in them any more.

Anyhow, the point I am trying to make is this, I am back to a point in my life where I realize I can do everything I need to take care of myself. I don't need anyone else to tell me what to do, make decisions for me, hold my hand and of course keep me from doing the things that I love to do and have always dreamed of doing.  It took me having to go through the darkest part of my life to realize that there is so much more out there just waiting to be done, and that I can do it all by myself.  Sure as I mentioned above it would be nice to have someone in my life, but you know what if that ever comes about this time things are going to be a little different. I am going to encourage them to follow their dreams, to take a leap of faith and try to do accomplish whatever they desire. Because, I am focusing on attaining my own dreams and I don't have time for someone that is going to rain on my parade or hold me back.  I won't settle for someone that doesn't have faith in me, that doesn't believe in me, or who tries to tell me that my dreams are unrealistic, or that I don't have talent or the myriad of other things that were used to hold me back and keep me down in my previous relationship.  I have finally found myself again, and yes it took me a long while to realize that I didn't need another person, that my dreams were just as important to me as any other aspect of my life.

It also dawned on me that when we meet someone new that we have a preconceived notion of what they are supposed to be like and what the new relationship is supposed to be like. These notions are from what we see on TV, in our own family life, even that of our friends relationships.  We end up constantly comparing the person and the relationship against these notions or expectations and when they don't measure up we get frustrated, disappointed and stress and discord enter the picture, we start fighting and as the tension builds so does the depression.  I talked about this in my blog entry "You need to adjust and lower your expectations".  The point here is that no one is ever going to measure up to your ideal or perfect person or relationship and if you don't come to terms with that, you are going to end up alienating yourself, pushing the person away, and destroying your relationship. Honestly, I believe that both of you are going to come to a point where you feel that nothing you do is right in the others eyes, and that everything you try to do to make each other happy only back fires.

No matter if you are in a relationship or if you have gone through the emotional turmoil of the break up, you have to rely on yourself.  I have stressed over and over again in almost all my blog entries the importance of taking care of yourself, focusing your attention on your own needs, desires and goals. Because as I have said before, no one else is going to do it for you. If you don't put yourself first and foremost then you are going to get left behind, you are going to put your dreams on hold and they are never going to have the chance to be realized. You are going to wake up one morning and realize that your life is half over and you have yet to accomplish anything. That you have given up your dreams to raise a family, to take care of your partner, or raise children, or given everything you had to your career and job.  You forgot all about yourself and your dreams, you decided that you could sacrifice them to survive.  But take it from me those are the types of regrets you don't want to have in your life, and guess what I am here to tell you that you don't have to.

I am also here to tell you that if you come to a point in your life and you find yourself alone, and sometimes feeling lonely, don't think that you have to go out there and find yourself somebody, because you don't. You can do it all on your own, you won't have any distractions, nobody holding you back, or taking your time.  One of my favorite movies the son tells his mother " I can cook, clean, sew, fix the plumbing and pat myself on the back, just so you don't have to."  You are going to find that you don't need anyone in your life to feel complete, you can prove to yourself that you are worthy of happiness, and are destined for great things.  You are strong enough to take care of yourself, and of course you have your friends and family.  Don't let yourself be pressured or forget what you believe in, because you are worth it. You owe it to yourself to reach for your dreams, to take a leap of faith and find your success.  I am here to tell you that you are never too old to reach for and accomplish your dreams.  Look at Fantasia Barrino, she is the young singer who won season 3 of American Idol, she was a single mother, struggling, working hard to take care of herself and her baby.  She had almost forgot her dream.  She almost let it go, a friend of her's encouraged her, told her that her voice was her gift and that God gave it to her to make a success from.  She told her brother, that her grandmother and her mother had given up their dreams to take care of them and raise them, but she wasn't going to do it, she was going to make it so her daughter would be able to reach for her dreams when she grew up.   You should really check out her story "Fantasia Barrino: Life is not a fairy tale", I am so sure you will be amazed at her life and be able to take some inspiration from it.

I am always looking for people whose lives touch me and inspire me, and I can tell you this.  You can do anything you want to, you must set your mind to it, work hard, and do what it takes, fight for it, don't worry about the people talking about you and putting you down, because you know what at least they are thinking about you, and if they are great. Don't give up or quit, see it through to the end, I know it is going to be hard and you are going to want to throw in the towel, but guess what stick it out you are going to be so happy you did. The rewards and joy are going to so outweigh the pain you had to endure getting there.  If there are people holding you back and keeping you down, you have to be strong enough to let them go, find the strength within yourself to know that you can do it, you can make it and you will.  You deserve the best, you don't need anyone holding you down...trust me you can make it one your own you don't need anybody.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Me

I am who I am and that is all I can be.
I am not you and couldn't be.
So don't you judge or criticize
You are you and have your own ideals and beliefs
I don't think you can comprehend or understand me.
I don't believe like you, I am who I choose.

Whether right or wrong it is not your place
because when I look in the mirror I don't see your face.
I have my own mind and voice,
This is my right and my choice.

You think you are helping me
offering choice and pity.
But what I do and choose defines my path,
and how I handle things with a laugh
is how it is has got to be
I like to live life light and free.

Your pain and sacrifice are for you alone
My choice and decision are mine to atone
You have your own mind and will
That has made you my friend and still
I don't want to be you my friend
I need you to walk with me toward my end.

I am me and you are you
We are friends that is true,
As long as you can accept me
and can truly let me be
I accept and follow you
because I know all that you have been through

Because of that we are a match
and can make it through this rough patch
keep me strong and have my back
and I will do the same right back.

This is what makes us a pair
keeps us strong and helps us fare
the path of life
even though it is filled with strife
I am glad your here
with out you I would live in fear
that I couldn't make it through
but you keep me strong and true.

Thank you for you, for accepting me for who I am
because of you I am strong.
But I am what I am
Just like you are you.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B