Broken Merchandise

Dust has gathered around my place, I never move and no one ever looks at me.  I am broken and damaged beyond repair.  So I idle my days away in the same spot on the same shelf and watch as people pass me by.

Where is my chance? When will I have a home of my own with someone to love me? No one even bothers they can see that I am broken.  Everyone is looking for the new and amazing and I am old and broken so here I sit on my shelf day by day.

I hope against hope that someone will see the beauty in me.  But they never look past the exterior, all they see it the broken man, they turn away and choose someone else.  It has to be perfect with no mar or scar, and here I am broken and battered.

No one wants me and I guess no one will.  So as the dust gathers around me and people pass me by day after day. All I can do is dream and hope.

What are you trying to prove?

Okay folks I am going through a sticky patch at the moment with a friend and you know that I try to turn my frown upside down and stay positive.  But hello my patience is being tried today honey honey, let me tell you.  As I said in my last blog entry I have never  been a good judge of character.  However, I never expected to be summarily dismissed by this person ever.  It was almost like he didn't want me with him at all today, he was very quiet and withdrawn all day.  When I asked him about it he just said that he was down that life had gotten him down. To which my witty smart-ass reply is what the hell have you got to be down about you are free, and you have a place to stay, a vehicle to get you too and from places, food to eat, your family is here visiting you etc.  I don't know and just the way that everything played out tonight almost felt staged, and when I tried to tell him how I was feeling he wanted to try and turn the tables on me.

Now I am the queen of turning tables baby, so that didn't go over very well and I am not sure if I will ever see this boy again.  But, I am not understanding what there is to be so damn down about all the time. Rejoice and look at the mysteries and the wonders around you. See, spring in all it's vibrancy. Life has nothing but a fascinating dance of birth, life, death and rebirth that follows the seasons.  Look at the oceans as the waves hit the sand. Look around you and rejoice in the sun. Hear a song on the wind.  Hell I don't know, I don't stay down for long, and my ex-boyfriend Sterling broke me of letting the small things bother me.  He used to tell me don't bring me those small things only bring me the big problems the small ones will handle themselves.  Guess what he was right.  Because I have since learned that I can let all things roll off of me like water off of a ducks back and I can see what I am up against and pick and chose my battles from what has collected at my feet.

I am not sure what he is trying to prove to me, maybe it's that he doesn't need me! or that I am cramping his style! or could it be that we are just smothering each other?  I don't think so, I think it is more than all of that I think he was trying to prove something to himself and too his brother and he didn't want me to be a witness to it.  I am almost sure that is what was going on. But the way that this situation was handled was exactly the opposite of how we had talked about handling things. Everything was going to be handled out in the open honestly.  Meaning nothing hidden and no lies!

I am your friend, you have to hide nothing from me. I promise you I will not judge you, I will support your decisions whether they are good or bad, I will always speak my mind and let you know my opinions, whether you do as I suggest or not is up to you.  I will always have your back, I will defend you, protect and do what I can to rescue you.  All I ask from you is truth and respect. Because if you have those to things everything else will be there too.

You don't have to hide things from me because as your friend it hurts to be cut out and cut off. You should know that I want to be included in everything, I don't want to be the last one to know.  I shoud probably be the first to know so I can tell you if you are wrong or not...LOL...

Why can't you understand any of this?  Maybe you never had a friend like me before. Maybe you have spent too much time on your own and never had a real helping hand expecting nothing in return. Surprise guess what now you got it. Don't abuse it!  When you take others for granted you are limiting yourself because you are going to quickly be standing alone and fending for yourself. If you abuse their feelings they won't care how you are feeling, so you will be crying all alone. Cherish others like you cherish yourself!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Pulling it together

You know every time you fall apart when a crisis comes your way or you hit a brick wall in your life.  I want to talk to you about that today.  See, emotions play a big factor in how we handle what life throws at us.  I once told you that you are measured by the grace in which you rise from your problems or when you hit rock bottom.  What I mean by this is that you are not judged by what you are gong through but how you handle the situation with grace and tact.  It takes you 10 times longer to pull yourself together once you have fallen apart.

Now, you may be wondering what I am talking about when I say falling apart.  Not everyone of us falls to pieces when trouble comes our way. However, as humans we have to factor in the emotional state of the person that is having the problem.  See emotions play a significant part in how you handle a situation.  How many times have I told you that you need to calm down, count to 100 or just divorce your feelings from the situation?  A lot!  It is not only important for you to tackle the problem clear headed and unemotional as it is for the others that you are dealing with.

I know that I used to hold my emotions in.  I wouldn't tell anyone when I was upset.  However, what was happening someone else would come along and do something so minor that it triggered an explosion from me.  That's right little old me would blow up at the least little thing and what I found out was I was taking my anger, frustrations and guilt out on the wrong party.  The person who was facing the brunt of my anger was not who I was truly angry with. This is what I am trying to help you avoid.  Put te blame where the blame is due, don't hold anything in, take care of the situation as it happens and you will see how much better you feel.  It took me a long time to be able to express how I am feeling, I am a person that doesn't like confrontations and I try to avoid them at all costs.  However, it is in my best interest to let my feelings out when the issue arises because I don't want the wrong person to get my wrath when they didn't really do anything to deserve it.

I have told you before that you have to analyze a situation from every angle.  Step outside of the box and look at the issue from a different perspective.  I know it is hard to do, but if you can get past the emotional side of things and express your feelings either to yourself or to your partner and come at it with a clear head you will begin to see that the mountain you thought you were facing has many different options for getting past it.  We all seem to take our personal problems and make them out to be bigger than they really are.  I know that I do it. I take a molehill and make it a mountain when I am emotional about the situation, however once I calm down and start to think about the issue or problem with my rational thought and clear mind I begin to see the root of the problem and the many ways that I can fix or address it.  But, it I come at it with my emotions raw and I am hurting, I just may say something or do something that I might regret later on.  Remember it is not what you say but how you say it.  Words have power they can cut, destroy and cause wounds that never heal.  So be careful what you say, and keep in mind how biting and sharp your words are and how your tone and inflection might cause someone else pain.  Your attitude plays a major role in this process.

Once I get out what I have to say, my mind reacts like nothing ever happened.  I snap back to my up beat happy self like the issue was never there.  I am one of the few people that can do that.  If someone does something too me and I have an issue with it, if I address it right then and there and get out what I have to say about the problem, five or ten minutes later I am fine and have moved on like nothing ever happened.  I know a lot of you aren't like that and it takes you a lot longer to get over something, you have some animosity and feel a certain way about the situation for a while. However, eventually you get over it and move on.  Now, how do I accomplish this feat?  It really isn't that complicated really.  I just remember what I keep telling you that this too shall pass and I keep my head down and continue moving forward.  It is the only thing I know to do, and I don't like having a burden or grudge so I get rid of it as quickly and efficiently as I can.

It important to take away from this that no matter what the situation is, if you can keep your emotions out of it and can tackle it with a rational mind and clear head you will find that you won't fall to pieces every time something bad comes your way.  Remember it takes 10 times longer to pull yourself together when you fall apart.  Emotions play a significant role in causing us to lose focus on the issue and tends to magnify it a thousand fold.  Everything has it season and everything passes, you will survive and it will pass.  Wait and see.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Not being able to sleep a lot on my mind

Sorry I haven't written much this week. I am still overwhelmed by what has been happening in my life.  At least part of it has been sort of resolved, my bf is back home finally.  He was gone for a minute and it was a lot to deal with especially with what has been happening with my mother.  Apparently around September 6 my mother was admitted to the hospital. She was having severe pain in her back and down her legs.  As of the 7th she couldn't walk at all, something was pushing on her spinal cord and her legs wouldn't respond.

She is a strong woman but this has really gotten too her, she stayed in the hospital for a week and was transferred to a nursing home and has been there till Friday when they transported her to another hospital an hour away from where she lives.  They have found a tumor on her spine and an abnormal growth. Right now I am not sure what any of this means.  But she is telling me that she may never be able to have surgery or be strong enough with her many other problems to survive the chemotherapy and other treatments they are wanting to give her.

While my bf was gone I spent a lot of money trying to keep in contact with him that I am not sure I have funds to drop everything I am doing and go up there, however, I feel just plain awful about that.  I feel she needs me and I should be there, but there is so much on my plate right now. I am trying to start my own treatments and get the liver biopsy done, as well as handle other personal matters, that keep me running across the state and the country.

One of my best friends called me yesterday and wants me to come and help him move, this is right before I am supposed to go out of town with Kerry.  I have tried to talk to my dad about what is going on and how I am feeling overwhelmed and like I am drowning with everything that is happening.  He just told me that I can't save the whole world and I have to do what I have to do to survive and everyone else must fend for themselves.

For those of you that know me this is a hard pill for me to swallow, however, yesterday has been very strenuous for me, because once again I felt abandoned and left alone.  I have no one to lean on or confide in.  I don't understand why I have to be the strong one that everyone depends upon.  When will I have someone that I can lean on and depend on?  I thought that I had that but every time something comes up in my life that is hard or devastating I seem to be sitting in the room all alone.  What a feeling!!

So here I sit at 3:23 in the morning writing in my blog because I have no one to talk to about the things going on in my life.  It seems like I have nothing and no one and I have to stand alone and face all of it by myself.  Again what a feeling!  It shouldn't be this way, I am in a relationship, why isn't he here for me to talk to and cry on his shoulder?  Good question! And one that I don't have the answer too.

I have been sitting around all day with all sorts of thoughts going through my head, not knowing what is actually going on anywhere.  The only one filling me in on my mother is her best friend and she is trying to spare my feelings knowing that I cannot be up there with my mother at this time. I have tried to be a good son.

I am so sad and frustrated this morning, I don't know which way to turn!

Please pray for me.  There is so much other stuff that is going on in my life that I can't put it in here right now because I don't want to upset anyone else...

Lost, Alone and Scared

Over the past few days my world has been in a constant state of flux. Meaning that nothing has been constant, everything has been in perpetual movement.  When that happens the mind looses focus and thoughts can drift impossibly far distances. Emotions which are tied to thoughts are also out of flux with the rest of your body and you withdraw from the physical.  Now to explain this is rather difficult but I think this is a possible reason why we sometimes can be in a crowd and feel all alone.  See it doesn't matter what you are going through when the mind detaches and starts roaming and grasping at straws and random thought patterns, we become un-anchored to the the world around us.  We have a tendency to wrap up in these thoughts and can't fight our way back to ground.  I described that on my Facebook page on Saturday. My emotional state was such that I was upset, angry, profoundly sad, and I couldn't tell you which way was up or down.  I felt trapped in a surreal place of existence and I couldn't quite wrap my head around reality.

Because of a promise I made I can't divulge all the details of what I am going through but I can tell you this much.  When you care and love someone and they are lost to you for whatever reason, your mind creates solutions and equations and thousands of excuses as to what is really going on.  Problem with all of these scenarios that are playing out in your head, you have no foundation or basis in which to draw from, so your thoughts become cyclical, and you go from thinking the worst to the best, and before you know it your orientation is totally screwed up.  Sometimes we find ourselves in a place of emotional discovery, where you find out that what you once thought was not reality, even though all indicators seemed to point to a fact, when you finally get up on it, you realize that you had misread them, or mislabeled them as fact when they were just feelings.  Which is the funny thing about feelings, they can feel so real that you can almost believe them as fact, when in most cases they aren't, they are just interpretations of the facts that the brain and heart can process.

I can tell you it is a terrible feeling waking up one morning and finding out that everything you once believed in was a lie, that what you thought of as fact, was just in fact illusion created by yourself to keep from facing the truth.  Trust me when I tell you that it is a hard pill to swallow.  Humans are amazing creatures, we have not only the ability to reason, but we also have the ability to feel, and when you put reason and feelings together we get a sort of mental image, problem is that feelings are not as reliable and our images are easily shattered.  When something happens in your life that causes you to doubt everything it is very hard to pull yourself back together.  See, I am not a stranger to the world of addictions and drugs. I am not a stranger to lying to myself to make myself feel better, but I have learned over the years how to come to deal with these falsehoods, and I stand before you a different person.  See I am brutally honest with myself and those around me these days, because I hate to have the feelings of being lost, alone and scared.  I would rather get the initial shock and pain over with than have to deal with it on an on-going form.  So, I gave up on trying to kid myself.

However, there comes a time when we run into individuals that aren't quite at the level that you are. You have asked them repeatedly if they care about you and love you, if they are sure that you are the one they want to be with.  If they aren't at the same place you are, the answer you might get may leave you totally wondering as to your position. See I am a firm believer that everything starts with self and works its way outward. So if you are honest and truthful with yourself you have a greater ability to accept the things that are handed to you.  Some things you wouldn't even expect that hit you with a firm foundation of reality and truth behind you, you will be able to face them and overcome them with ease.  But, every so often something comes along that blind sides you. Something that comes from an unexpected corner, a place where you weren't looking or had thought you had gotten past, and it can rip your sense of reality right out from under you.

You may not understand what I am talking about or where I am coming from with this, and that is absolutely okay.  What I want you to understand there are times when you can be lost, alone and scared and it is not of your own doing.  You can feel those feelings under many different circumstances and I am beginning to understand the amount of pressure that it can put on another person who cares about you.  See, I am beginning to understand the physical and emotional toll of my health conditions on the person that I love.  I am beginning to understand that he has to stand there and watch as my health deteriorates and it makes him feel powerless and vulnerable and angry that there is nothing he can do to make the situation for me any better.  See I can understand him feeling lost, scared and alone during these times and there is nothing I can do to ease that burden from him.  The exact same thing is true for someone doing drugs and the other one not.  The person who is sober might think that they have the power to change the other person but they don't.  You are not a god, you don't have the power to rescue someone else.  The just don't understand that they are loosing not only themselves to it, but you as well. The hardest thing is for you to watch someone circle the drain.  Somewhere you have to be the stronger person and cut them loose and let them go.

2013 is about to start and you don't want to start it off on the wrong foot. There is nothing you can do to change either of the above situations, so inevitably you are going to have to walk away.  The situation is toxic for both of you and you are going to have to cut it loose or end up dragging yourself through the proverbial gutter.  It is hard to say these things because I know that they hurt.  But as sure as I am sitting here today, I realized that some situations are just beyond our control and reasoning. There is nothing I can do to alter either of the scenarios mentioned above.  This is for you, the one that asked me the question what to do if your partner has left you and decided that the drugs are more important than you. I have to tell you a hard truth, I am familiar with the world of drugs, and the effect that they can have on someone.  You are going to have to cut the string and let them go. No matter what happens from this point you must stay strong to yourself and your convictions.  If you give in know you have lost the battle.  I know this from experience once you give in and let someone back into that world it is virtually impossible to get them back out again.

I wish you the best of luck my friend. Because I know how hard it is at this time of year to be going through this alone, but believe it or not I am in a similar situation here in Los Angeles.  I can't go into details as I said earlier, but I do totally understand your feelings of isolation, loneliness and heartbreak at what you are going through.  I sympathize with you and I too am going to have to make a tough decision and pray that God will give me the strength to make it through this with my spirit and heart still intact. I hope you understand that you are not actually giving up on the person. It is going to take more than you to break the hold of the drug that has your friend.  I would never advise someone to give up on another person.  I am not giving up on my friend, I am not supporting or condoning his behavior, but I can't watch it tear apart my relationship and my life again. So if it takes me letting him go and moving on so be it. Lord is my witness that is the last thing I want to do. But, I know I can't make him change and I am not enough of a substitute.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What To Do If You Find Yourself Limited

There are many things that can happen to you that limit your ability to do certain things or activities.  No one ever wants to admit that they are getting old.  That they physically are unable to do the things that they once were able to do.  It can even happen to a younger person due to illness, disease or an accident.  Hell we have people that fought in Vietnam, Korea or even in the recent and past Gulf conflicts that were injured, may have lost a limb, or been injured and now are physically impaired.  So what happens if something that you love and are use too has been taken away from you? That there is no way that you can ever be able to do that activity or function again.

Here let me digress a minute and fill you in on some rather personal information, some of you may already know, but here goes anyway, my big dark secret and a fear that I have been carrying around since June.  On June 13th I went in to the hospital to have another bowel resection, they were supposed to remove the colostomy that is acting as a mucus fistula and try and eliminate the ileostomy at the same time.  Now, this would have been wonderful and a dream come true.  But the reality of the situation is that there has been too many surgeries, too much inflammation, scar tissue and adhesions that have built up because of those surgeries, not to mention all the damage done to the tissue and the pelvic cavity from the radiation treatments.  What was discovered is that as soon as the scalpel starts cutting the abdominal wall, my blood pressure drops to dangerous levels, my breathing becomes erratic and my heart rate declines and my body starts to flat line.  Meaning that if they were to continue the surgery I would have died without any chance of revival.  This was the end of my dream and hope of finally being a whole and normal person.  I have been told recently that neither of the surgeons that have handled my situation in the past were willing to open me back up under any circumstance.  That it would take a skilled team of professionals to handle any further surgery that I may have.  Unfortunately in October it was discovered that the stricture that developed when they fused the two sections of colon back together has grown closed and that I would have to have another surgery.  This surgery is going to be extremely risky and may actually end my life. However, it has to be done, the mucus fistula is not working like they thought it would and fluid continues to build up on my pelvis.

Now, the reason why am telling you all of this is because of the simple fact that the colon has grown totally closed where it was fused is what is causing the fluid to build up. It also precludes me from having any type of anal penetration.  Further, the surgery during the emergency surgery that was performed in March, I was cut open from my breast bone down to my groin. Now I am talking all the way down to the penis, because of how deeply I was cut and the way that the muscles grew back together an inch or more of my penis is now indented. Which means that the length of it is now noticeably shorter.  This for the most part will preclude me from having sex with most gay men, due to the scarring and the length.  So overall in my mind I would have to say that sex for me is now completely finished, over and never to be had again. Seriously, this is a daunting proposition for me, because as people from my past can attest I love sex, it was an activity that I actually was pretty good at and have had some considerable practice at.  No I wasn't promiscuous or anything like that, but there was a time and a place where sex was something that I literally breathed.  This is just one example out of many others that I can throw at you. My mother had a friend named Jeanette, who lived to be 91 years old.  Up until she was 89 she was very active and vigorous in her daily activities and in doing yard work.  She got sick in her 90th year her, she suffered terribly from arthritis and COPD and various other factors that took her mobility and energy away.  However, she still demanded to take care of herself, lived by herself and up until her death held a license and owned a car, though like I said when she turned 90 she really couldn't drive anymore because of macular degeneration of her eyes.

In her case she missed doing the physical things, she was used to taking care of herself and her house. She prided herself on her ability to do those things and the weaker she got the more frustrated she would get. I actually moved home to help my mother take care of her that last year that she was alive, I drove everywhere and cooked and did as many things as I could for her so that she didn't have too.  I enjoyed helping her, but one day in January of 2010 she looked at me and asked me if she was a burden, how she wished that she could just die because she felt like she had to rely on others to do the most basic things and it was hard for her to admit that she was just not able to do everything by herself. My answer surprised her, I didn't think she was a burden at all, and I actually enjoyed the time I got to spend with her.  I learned things about my life and why I cared about people so much.  In a way, my limitations brought me to the realization that I may not be able to do all the things that a normal male of 40 can do, but there are other things, and that I have found someone that accepts and understands my limitations and loves me anyway makes all the difference to me in the world.  I have channeled my energy and passion of sex into caring and helping others. It has pushed me out there into the world to talk to others about my illnesses, limitations, expectations and how I handle them.  I have begun volunteering and helping others in a way that is rewarding and fulfilling.  However, I have found that being candid with others about my illnesses, and limitations has made it easier for me to accept and move past them.

What I have done is found another outlet for my pent up anxiety and frustration.  I remember Jeanette telling me that it is the simple things in life that brought her pleasure, and she would needle point or crochet for hours.  Since she couldn't carry or lift things anymore, or push the mower or plant a full garden, she took joy in the things she could still do, instead of planting a full garden she planted herb gardens in her window.  Planted strawberry plants in planters by her front door, she would crochet or needle point to keep her hands busy and her mind working on what she was doing. She occupied her time by things that she could still do that made her happy.  The concept I am trying to bring forth to you, is it is possible to turn and find alternative activities to do to compensate for those abilities and things you can no longer do.  I have a great mind and a terrific imagination, and I have figured out ways to compensate for my physical ability with activities and things that I can do.  This helps me rid myself of the anxiety I felt, it also lessened my feelings of inadequacy and by talking about it to others, and writing in my blog has made it something that I can almost accept totally and move on. I still have feelings of anguish over my crushed dream of being made whole, but I think in time those too will pass and vanish.  It also helps that I have found someone that cares enough about me to tell me that it doesn't matter to him, that we will face it together and will work out a solution.  Up until today, I had been keeping it from him, but when I told him my fears, he said the right things, and that it didn't matter that it was me he wanted, that it was me that has inspired him and made him a better person, but you wanna know the truth of the matter, maybe it is that we inspired each other and have given each other hope for a better life, and a happier one then we have known before.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have looked death in the eye several times this year, and it scared me, but somehow, I knew it wasn't my time to go yet.  But it brought into sharp focus my limitations and abilities, it also made me intensely aware of the fear I had hiding within myself. Just like Jeanette, I had begun to feel like I was a relic, no longer useful or productive and that I wasn't going to be wanted and desired by anyone.  Now, with that being said, those that truly know me can attest that nothing gets me down for long so I have bounced back and I have shifted my focus to what I can do, what makes me happy, what am I passionate about that I can pour my energy and my life into.  I have come to understand that having a terminal illness doesn't mean that you are going to die right away necessarily and that there is life after being diagnosed.  As I said at the beginning of this entry, there are just circumstances and events that are beyond our scope of control that can severely impact our lives and limit our abilities.  When that happens, we can't let the anguish and depression hold us back, we have to face those limitations without fear, using our mind and creativity and imagination to find ways to compensate or even supplement the loss.

Now I am fully aware that there is going to be a period of time when your mind and emotions are not going to deal with this rationally.  You are definitely going to go through the 5 stages of grief and remorse and will have to weather that storm, but eventually after you have passed through that you will find other activities and things that will help you take your mind off the limiting ability.  I have found that humor helps me deal with my situation and allows me to be perfectly frank and candid about my situation.  When I am talking to others, or filling out applications, and it comes to the question of sex, I say well I am a plant, I am neither male of female, I am asexual how would you like me to answer this question.  Or if they ask it another way, I say no not right now I am too sore, but maybe when I heal up we could attempt.  Levity and humor make the situation tolerable, and opens the door for me to talk to others about my illness and how it has actually affected me.  You never know where personal encounters are going to take you, or who else might be dealing with a similar situation and have been harboring the guilt and anxiety within themselves and has had no one that they can talk to or even laugh about it with.  My friends let me tell you that life is too short to stay quiet, get out there tell your story, embrace life and living and trust me you will be rewarded. Both emotionally, physically and spiritually.  I find the greatest joy in meeting new people and experiencing life through their eyes. Because as I have told you before we each feel, experience and see things differently, and if you take the chance to walk in someone else's shoes, guess what you might get blisters or sore toes, but you are also going to have a greater understanding of who that person really is.

My advice to you my friend is don't give in to despair, anguish, anxiety, guilt or any of the other hundreds of emotions that you might be feeling, don't wallow in self-despair and pity, change the variables, change the game, and like I told you yesterday you can change the way you think and react to things.  Find something new and different to do, find a new outlet, hobby or release that you are comfortable with, enjoy and make the change. Again, I will tell you if I can do it so can you.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What is actually meant by "Keeping it Real?"

I hear a lot of people running around saying "Keep it Real", "Real talk", or "100".  But do they even have an idea of what they are actually talking about.  The answer to that is NO.  See, the younger generation assumes that it means be honest, don't lie, don't cheat, be yourself etc.  Yes that is part of it, but there is so much more that encompasses what being real is all about.  Keeping it real has to start with integrity, truth and compassion.  Most youth use it today to be blunt and rude. They throw their opinion out there like it is requested, required or needed.  Guess what folks it isn't.  I have a friend that pointed out to me yesterday that if you are truly wanting to keep it real or be real, it has to start with yourself. You have to be true to yourself, be honest and open with yourself.  You can't hide behind your mask or fascade and think that you are being real or keeping it real.

Many of you run around pretending to be Thugs, gangsta's or bad boys.  Truth of the matter is it is just an act, it is a costume that you put on each morning when you get up. It is a behavior, or pattern that you are trying to use to change who you truly are.  The problem with this is, the real you is still there hidden behind all that you are trying to get the world to see. You are creating a false persona that you want other including your friends to see.  You weren't born a Thug, Gangster, bad boy. You were born a male, and you should grow into a man.  Who you are affiliated with or hang with should not be who you become.  If you want to have a secret identity it truly is up to you, but you can't be real to anyone else if you are not real with yourself. 

In order for you to be real you have to understand what being real actually entails.  See there is more too it than just being honest with others, it is more than just being blunt and straightforward.  Being real means being a person of integrity. Honest, trustworthy and putting others before yourself.  See there are elements of being real that many of you seem to not understand they are compassion, understanding and respect.  In order for you to be real with another person, you have to be compassionate at how you talk with them, how you deliver the truth to them.  Keep in mind it isn't what you say but how you say it.  Further, if you truly understand and respect the person and their intentions then you are going to be there for them and talk to them. You will take the time to explain to them the situation and make sure that they are aware of all the variables and possible risks that are involved.  Remember this Real is born out of love for another person, you care about them, you don't want them hurt or embarrassed, it isn't a means to be brutal, hurtful or blunt. 

I want to explain this to you a bit further, I want to break it down to you so that you understand exactly what being real is all about and what it entails. See there are responsibilities and emotions that are associated with being real or keeping it real.  But in order to understand all of this you first need to know what the definition of being real is all about.  Real as defined by the Webster's Pocket dictionary is "something which is existing, genuine, true, or authentic.  Under the law it is defined as property which is regarded as permanent, fixed or immovable; not illusory, artificial, or fraudulent." Either of those definitions go a long way into establishing what I am trying to say.  Most ot the time when someone tells you to keep it real, they are talking about you yourself, the person.  However, it is also something that should be demonstrated in your actions, attitude and way you interact with other people.  Being real is unconditional if you are trying to be real, it is something that is accepted and practiced at all times.  There isn't a halfway point with being real. Either you are or you are not. It is a way of life, and it isn't always easy.  You have to keep other's thoughts and feelings in mind as you are trying to practice it.

Being real is all about unconditionally accepting others, caring about them and giving them the respect that they deserve, and having their backs at all times, putting their needs and wants before your own.  It also is about being aware of their feelings and being honest and truthful with them using compassion, understanding, love and respect and offering them support to show them how you actually feel. Now, what does this mean.  It means that you have to be gentle and kind in your honesty with them, conscious of how your words and truth might hurt them.  You need to couch them in compassion and temper them with love, respect and understanding.  If you do this, the bluntness of your words and attitude will be tempered enough that won't hurt the other person too badly.  Often times your good intentions are missed because of the way in which they are said. Your word's are blunt, callus and bitter, they hurt and sting, it immediately puts the person you are trying to look out for put their backs up and resist what you are trying to tell them. The pain your words have caused has made them dig in their heals and can cause resentment towards you and your attitude. If you approach the situation as I have mentioned above your words will have a better chance of causing change and helping the other person. 

What I am trying to tell you is that "Being Real", "Keeping it Real", "Keeping it 100", or being just plain "real" is a lifestyle, a way of living.  It is something that needs to be practiced and lived, rather than trying to emulate it.  If you live by it, it will be automatic to you.  But being real is a combination of honesty with other emotions and processes involved.  In order for you to actually accomplish it and live by it you have to understand it.  That is what I want you to take away from this entry.  Being real needs to be handled with compassion, trust and faith. It encompasses love, respect, truth and support.  Actions speak louder than words, prove to me that you are real, by being real to yourself and others at all times.  If you are going to claim it you better damn well be doing it.

Remember it isn't something that you turn on or off. Either you are or your not!   Keep in mind that being real is all of those things I have mentioned compassion, trust, faith, love, respect and support. You can't only put one or two in there and think that you are being real.  You can't use blunt honesty alone and think that you are being real.  Being real is not something that you use as a weapon to hurt others, being real is just another name for integrity.  Being real and keeping it real, means that you show everyone respect, offer them support, you are honest with them in a compassionate and understanding way.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What happened to old fashion romance and passion in relationships?

I was on the phone with one of my ex's, someone that I was with for quite a while about 25 years ago.  He is  2 years younger than I am and he is now dating a 27 year old.  He was telling me that his sex life has become almost no existent, that there doesn't seem to be any passion or affection outside of the few times they have sex.  Which had gone from 3 or 4 times a weekend to now 1 or 2 times every 3 or 4 weeks.  This got me wondering what happened to old fashion romance and passion, where are the cuddling nights sitting on the couch watching a movie together and snuggling?  Have those days gone by?  Are they gone forever?  That brings me back to how can we ignite our love and make it something real and tangible for every day?

See, I am all too aware that there are some relationships that are based on mutual affection, and then there are some that are based genuinely on love, with those few that are just relationships of convenience. Where two people are sharing the same lives, but not the same dreams and goals.  It must be sad to feel like you are just roommates with an occasional benefit thrown in every once in awhile.  We have talked about relationships in the past and how some are just like business arrangements, that are beneficially mutual to both parties concerned.  But what happens when one of the party develops deeper feelings for the other that is not reciprocated?

This I think is what happens in most gay relationships, they start out good because we, and I am using the term we here because I fall into the same category and pattern here, have a tendency to start our relationships off the wrong way. We meet out in a bar, or sometimes with the advent of the internet and all the dating sites, we start off meeting the person, hanging out and before we know it we are having sex.  We continue to see that person and the sex continues.  Gay men seem to have a misconception that sex and chilling together equates a relationship.  We don't go out on traditional dates, we don't explore the other person fully we just jump into it with both feet so to speak.  Now, again I can only speak from personal experience, but I have found that the longest relationships that I have had I came at them with a different focus.  For example, yes I met Joe my ex of 12 1/2 years by answering a personal add on a computer bulletin board, this is before the internet.  We emailed and spoke to one another daily for 6 moths before we ever met.  We talked about everything and we explored each other before we ever met.  When we did meet I will admit that the first thing we did was have sex.  Then we went to dinner with my best friend and chilled out.  For the first week we were inseparable, then he had to go back to Atlanta for work, but 2 weeks later he was back in Florida at a job site at the beach, I was actually off of work at the time and was able to meet up with him and spent that week together with him also.  We talked about moving me up to Atlanta with him, and he even invited me up for a weekend to see if I liked it.  Well with me being there, his roommate came forward and told him how much he cared about him and a lot of drama ensued.  I ended up coming back to Florida and talking with the management company of the complex I was living at and found that I could transfer my lease up to Atlanta for only $50.00 which is what we decided to do.  Joe and I lived in that apartment in Atlanta for 7 months, most of which time he was never home. I moved to Atlanta and for 5 months he was on the road, and I barely ever saw him.  I had gotten a job and started working the Monday after I had moved up there so there was no lapse in pay for me.    But let me tell you something even doing it that way, getting to know someone via email and text messaging was not enough.  We didn't know each other and didn't give ourselves a chance to get to know one another. Before we knew it we were buying a house together and getting dogs, and before I blinked 5 years had gone by.  We were always arguing and fighting and with him travelling so much, there wasn't very much sex between us.  But it was okay because I went back to school got my bachelors and master's degrees and kept myself busy while he was away.

The long and the short of it is that with the technology of today, people aren't spending time together and learning about each other. They read an online profile, go out on a date and jump right into the sack with the other person.  This doesn't make for a successful relationship at all.  Eventually, there are going to be incompatibilities and things that you learn about one another that may change the dynamic of the relationship. If you really care about the person you are with you have to keep the relationship exciting and full of love and feeling. Each one of you needs to be reaffirmed that the other cares about you and feels the same way you do.  Affection goes part of the way in doing this, but there has to be verbal affirmation as well. You need to hear it as well as feel it.  You need to do simple little things that let the other know what you are feeling towards them. That them running around naked still turns you on and makes you happy.  Hide little gifts around, with notes telling them how special they are an what you think about them.  Keep in mind that for most people a compliment on the way they look and about their personality will go a long way in reassuring them that you still love and care for them.

My advice to you is that if you want to really discover and find someone that cares about you.  Take it slow, get to know them, keep the sex part out of it for as long as you can.  Learn all about them, their likes, their dislikes, their favorite things, go out and explore the world together, and do all of this before ever stepping into the bedroom.  Because honestly sex stirs up emotions and puts strings on things that maybe should be tied up.  I have met tons of people online that advertise that they are looking for casual encounters with no strings attached (NSA).  Guess what that doesn't work for me, because after being with them and having sex  with them several times, I find myself getting attached, and falling for them.  However, as I explained above, I really hadn't gotten to know anything about them, and when it finally and inevitably ends I am the one that is hurting because I connected with that person sexually, I enjoyed being with that person, yet the only thing I truly knew about the person is what they liked to do sexually.  When I tried dating some of them, it would only last a short while because outside of the bedroom we would have nothing in common, and those that I did have something with didn't understand the concept of monogamy.  So what I am trying to tell you is that you might save yourself some heartache and trouble if you take the time upfront to get to know someone really before you ever jump into bed with them.

Then there are those that you have had sexual relationships with that you feel a kind of connection with that you think you might want to explore further, but how do you go from being a Fuck Buddy to a full partner?  The answer is that it can be done but with some difficulty, and patience and a lot of hard work. Because you have to get over the preconceived notions that each of you have built over the casual encounters. You have to take the time to really get to know the person and you have to be willing to start over from scratch, like the past never happened.  You can't walk into it and hope that it will gel and work, because it doesn't happen like that. Further, you can't expect everything to fall into place immediately, both of you are going to be at different places in your lives and you are going to have to work hard to bring them together.  Because the only way that you can make that type of relationship work is if you are willing to join everything together and start over as a single unit.  You can't come at if from two different points of view and expect that your goals, expectations and living situation are just going to fall into alignment.  You have to work together, to make a new starting place, fresh, free from the past and you have to work toward building a future together. As my friend in Seattle once told me, the past is behind, keep hold of the memories, but you have to let go of those feelings and emotions and move forward.  Forward, is the only way that you can possibly be together, you have to start over in a totally new found place where both of you are on equal footing and no one has the advantage.  Get to know one another again, this time from a friend and lover standpoint and not from the sexual standpoint.  You already know what they like to do sexually, but what about the rest of their life. What do you know about that? Are you willing to join in and help them reach their personal goals?  Are you even aware of their personal goals? How do their goals line up with your own?  Then what kind of goals are you and your partner going to want to have together?

See it is very important for you you have a set of goals that provide you a map toward where you are trying to get too.  Each of you should have individual goals that will keep you both moving forward, but for a relationship to work you also have to have common relationship goals that both of you are willing to work on together.  It is extremely important for a relationship to work to have manageable and achievable goals that both of you are willing to work on together.  Plus you have to be willing to support your partners individual goals and they yours.  This will make a sound foundation for the relationship and one that is designed to grow.  If everyone could get to this point the divorce rate in our country would be on the decline instead of constantly rising each year.

So, what I would like to recommend to you at this point no matter in what type of relationship you find yourself in, if you are wanting to make it work and care about each other than you have to learn how to come together and keep it interesting, new and inviting. You are going to have to talk about your own goals and those of your partner, see where each of you can help the other to reach and achieve their goals. You also have to find goals that will keep the relationship moving forward, and growing as well, these are the common goals I was talking to you about. You have to learn how to keep the mystery and romance alive, do little things that remind each other how much you care and what you love about the other one. You also have to talk to one another, be truthful with your fear, dreams, hopes, desires and most importantly your feelings.  Communication and honesty are as important as the affection and sexual parts of the relationship.  Make time to spend with one another and make it romantic and special.  Remember that just because life hasn't presented you with the perfect opportunity, you can make one.  Keep in mind that each moment is unique and special, it is never going to be repeated in the whole of history, so take it and make it unique and special for you and the one that you love.

Surround yourself with positive energy, and friends that are supportive, cling to optimistic people, and shy away from the pessimists, they will hold you back.  Also assess your current friends and loved one, those that are taking more away from you than they are giving are holding you back and keeping you from reaching your full potential you have to cut them loose, let them go.  Remember only you have you own best interest at heart, and those that don't support you or in some way add benefit to your goals, ambitions, and desires you should let them go.  You and your partner do not need to have others hanging around bringing you down, you need people that care about you and are supportive of you both and are willing to build you up.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Open heart Open mind, Closed mind Closed heart!

While it will come as no surprise to you the second part of the title closed mind equals a closed heart, you can see how the inverse can also be accurate. Thinking back on the poem I wrote two days ago I came to realize just how powerful the mind really is.  For it is the mind that creates the walls that protect our heart from the pain of love lost.  Whatever the reason for the wound you suffered, whether real or perceived, the mind takes steps to make sure you have time to grieve and heal.  It creates invisible boundaries that keep everyone and everything out.  But what happens when the pain has dulled and time has healed the wound?  The answer my friends is nothing.  Those walls that have been built remain in place and if you don't understand this check out my entry "If these walls could talk...what would they say?" http://bryanzepp.blogspot.com/2012/07/if-these-walls-could-talkwhat-would.html

Our hearts are fragile things that can be bruised easily. Shattered if betrayed and trust is lost.  The wounds of love are the hardest felt and take the longest time to heal.  Then comes doubts and fears, you begin questioning everyone's motives when they enter your life.  A friend of mine calls this period the "Distrusting Factor", which can last a very very long time.  It is during this period that you find you can't trust anyone including yourself, because you are so afraid that whatever you went through is just going to happen all over again.  You tend to hold everyone you meet and could possibly care about at arms length.  You prevent them from getting too close to you both mentally and emotionally.

Now what happens if you meet someone or are introduced to someone and you are in this crippled state?  How do you think they are going to act and feel?  I will tell you, because I know from first hand experience.  They are going to like you and want to be with you, but because you are so closed off you are going to miss all the signs. They are going to feel like you ignored them and left them hanging.  It takes a very special and patient person to understand all of this.  They are going to have to loving and persistent if they ever hope to break through those walls.  They may even walk away and come back, because remember you have inflicted pain and wounded them whether it was intentional or not by spurning their advances and leaving them hanging.

This special person is someone who is strong and can get passed the pain and recognize that they need and want you.  In my case the person still has wounds of his last relationship but somehow tore down his own walls and dared to care and love again. His caring and understanding has been shown over and over again no matter how far apart we are.  It seems like every important moment that happens in his life, he includes me on.  I am usually the first one he calls or text to tell what happened and this is what has made me feel so special. It is through his persistence and unfailing efforts that the walls around my heart have finally started to fall.  The words of praise and encouragement that he extends my way about my passion and my writing is so amazing.  Especially because he is so talented himself that I stand amazed that he thinks I have even an inkling of talent.  His words over the past few days have brought in sharp relief that if I don't open my hear and trust my feelings again, that I might end up stuck alone with a closed mind and a closed heart.

How do you get to the point of opening your heart and mind? You may be wondering.  As with a lot of our discussions, you have to start within and work your way out. Now I admit that it is easier if you have someone that is already interested in you  that can help you tentatively stretch out the tender tendrils of love, trust, and caring.  But, if you don't have that you are going to have to find within yourself the strength to take the steps to put your heart and feelings back out there and try again.  Taking it slow is okay! Get comfortable trusting your feelings, learn how to feel comfortable returning someone else's feelings. Once you get to that point you are going to be amazed at how well that "Leap of Faith" paid off.  Once your heart is open and free to love again. Your walls around your mind will be gone for good as well.

You must confront and overcome your fears, suppress your insecurities and doubts, just put yourself out there. Remember, it is just like riding a bike, when your fall off you get back up and try again.  Give yourself encouragement by keeping in mind that you deserve the best, you have a right to be happy, to feel loved and love in return.  You are so strong and can do this...I have total faith in you!  Embrace life and love and do what makes you feel happy and feels good.  Remember it is never good to keep those walls up, because while they are there you are missing every opportunity to meet the right person, your soul-mate, your best friend that is always on your mind.  Before you know it, once you have found them you aren't going to want to let them go. You are going to want to be where ever they are and totally involved with their lives.

So remember open heart open mind, closed mind closed heart.  Take the chance, take a leap of faith, put your heart back on your sleeve and Love again! Because when you do you are going to realize that you are once again living! Because for so long you were just existing, getting by, being safe and never loving or being loved.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Please keep in mind, you are very special

Last night a friend of mine posted on Facebook would anyone care if he just checked out of life and disappeared never to be heard from again.  This hit me pretty hard, because as you know I have been through so many things and I have at one time or another gotten to the point where I had wanted to throw in the towel.  I know exactly how he was feeling, been there, done that and wear the t-shirt to prove it.  You may not realize how your loss might affect those around you, those that know you and care about you. Sometimes people look at you and are inspired to try harder for themselves because they look at you and see a person who works hard and is successful.  Because to one person you might be even if you don't think so yourself.

I know how easy it is to look at your life and weigh it against your dreams and feel that you have fallen short.  How you can look in the mirror and see yourself as a failure, feeling despondent because you had imagined yourself being so much further ahead than you are.  I know how easy it is to look at your friends and feel a certain way because they seem to have made it to the place where you thought you would be and you envy them.  How depression can creep in and make you feel so much worse about your situation and how your frustrations builds, and you get angry and despondent, wishing that things could be different.  Then you mind starts going through the should haves and the could haves and you start to think that your life has been a sham and a waste.  Stop it! Look around you, weigh in the accomplishment you have made, the obstacles you have overcome and who you have in your life.  Because, someone out there is looking at you and is just as envious of you and what you have as you are of others.

It is never too late for you to start over again, to do something different, to achieve something.  Further, if you really think about it there is always someone out there that is worse off then you.  The trick is to stop beating yourself up over your perceived failures, stop being so hard on yourself and down playing your accomplishments.  You are still here and continue to try, and that alone is something worth being proud of.  You may never know who is looking at you, drawing strength from your life, and looking up to you as a role model.  You could be totally unaware of how much of an inspiration you are to someone else, because you are too busy feeling sorry for yourself and lack of accomplishments. There are people in your life that love you and respect you, and your loss would devastate them.

Think back to the movie "It's a Wonderful Life" starring Jimmy Stewart and remember the revelation he found out when the angle came to him and granted him the wish that he had never been alive, so many things were different and so many peoples lives were utterly changed and not for the better just because he had never been born.  The same goes for you! You can't possibly know how many times your smile, or a simple act of kindness that you displayed had changed someone's life or made a difference in some incalculable way. There is no random or chance encounters, people come into each of our lives for a reason, and they are there until it is there time to move on.  Some come in and last a lifetime others are just there for a small duration.  You may be struggling now, but someone close to you may have been through a similar situation and you might benefit from their experience and vice-versa.  Each of us has lessons to learn and stuff to teach, but we cannot do it if we get ourselves mired down in self-pity and regret.

No matter how you feel about yourself now, or where you stand on your journey. I know that each of us at some point or another thinks we have failed or are a failure. But here is the thing to keep in mind, who could have done it any better?  Look at what you had to come through, what obstacles and illnesses and tragedies you have braved and you are still going strong.  Take pride in your accomplishments, be grateful for what you have, seek the happiness within yourself.  When you can do that you are going to find that you are a very prosperous individual, and should be content with where you are at because maybe if you were further along, you might have missed a key aspect of your life that defines you.  Also keep in mind that there is no one else in the world quite like you. No one has your experiences, has made the choices you have made for the reasons you have made them, no one can understand the consequences and rewards you have endured on your journey.  Remind yourself of those you have helped along the way to realize their dreams, given them shelter, food, clothing or whatever. Trust me when I tell you that you are one of a kind, an original, you are a master-piece, a great work of art, made beautiful by your struggles and your understanding that you have gained along the way.  This makes you totally unique, and guess what unique things can never be replaced, they are precious and invaluable, and that is you!

Life is full of special moments, and sometimes we are so busy we miss them, or we let them pass us by because we didn't recognize them.  Whatever the case is, take the time and make some moments special on your own.  Celebrate things that you normally wouldn't, give gifts or be spontaneous, whatever, just wake yourself up and look at what you have done and come through, you will be amazed! And when you find yourself at a dead end with no seeming exit, every door is closed to you, then by all means open a window, make your own path, start a new adventure, because life is precious and short, and you owe it to yourself to make yourself happy.  Forget about what everyone else is doing and don't give a damn about what they think, because guess what are they paying your bills? Are they doing all they can to give you the world on a silver platter? I don't think so! Therefore their opinion doesn't amount to shit, and as I have said before only you can make yourself happy, only you can do for you, because in the long run, everybody is just looking out for themselves.

So, when that depression strikes and wraps around your heart and tries to make you think that you are such a failure, that you haven't accomplished anything, and that you aren't anywhere where you thought you should be.  Pull back, take a break and look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself. " I am special, I have come through much, I have so much and I am unique and irreplaceable."  Trust me you tell yourself enough, you will start to believe it. Because it is the truth, no one can replace you, no one can do what you have done, and no one will help as many people as you have. You are blessed and loved by your family, friends and all who know you.  God has blessed you and will keep blessing you each and every day of your life. Give thanks for the little things you accomplish, don't sweat the small stuff in life that you cannot control, and above all love yourself enough to pat yourself on the back and give yourself a compliment for a job well done.

Remember what my grandfather told me so long ago.  "A man leaves his mark on this world not by how much money he has or how many houses, or material possessions, but by how many life's he has touched, how many people he has helped, and those that remember him when he is gone. Your works will speak for themselves and those you have helped will know what you have done for them and remember you for your kindness and generosity, they will be your testimony and tribute to the world." There is always someone watching you, finding hope and inspiration from you, looking up to you and trying to be like you whether you know it or not.  So yes you are special, in so many ways.  Never ever think about giving up and throwing in the towel, because there are so many people believing in you and counting on you. You just can't see them all.

I hope you truly understand that you are loved and blessed.  You will never be forgotten and your works and deed will certainly outlive you.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Settling for other than you want and second guessing yourself is wrong

Life is full of changes, and when you come to a point in your life when you really want something, you have the means to achieve it but you are afraid that it will strain you financially.  I want you to stop second guessing yourself, go for it! Don't settle for something less because it is less risky or expensive.  When you start to settle for things that you don't want, or doesn't quite meet your expectations, you set a pattern for yourself that you might not be able to break out of.

Even when I was making good money, and doing alright for myself, I would be the last one to order a meal when out for dinner, I would wait and see what everyone else ordered, and then choose something less expensive.  This wasn't because I had too, it was because I felt uncomfortable with the expense, and I always feared that I wouldn't be able to afford it.  Even when I was in a relationship of 12 years, I sometimes still found myself in that mind frame, and would revert back to my old pattern of behavior.  What is worse is that every time I would make a decision about a purchase, I would feel guilty about it.  I would second guess myself and begin to worry.  This is often referred to as buyers remorse.  Believe it or not, millions of people suffer and are often plagued by this worry and guilt.

Ingrained patterns of behavior become habits over time and are extremely hard to break. In stressful situation, or situations where we feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable we can easily revert back to those old habits or patterns, even if we have left them behind for many years.  So as life changes and hurtles and obstacles are put in our way, we need to change and adapt to them, or we are going to find ourselves unable to make a decision, be overwhelmed with stress over bills and sick with worry about where and how we are going to be pay for whatever it is that we have chosen to do.  I know that this might be a little hard to follow, but I believe that once a worrier always a worrier.  But I also know from previous experience that no matter how much I have worried and stressed out over situations, I was unable to change the outcome of the choice I had made.  I also found that if I am constantly worried over something, I am not able to think of anything but the situation, much less try and figure out a solution to the problem.  Sometimes, as the momentary panic had died down and the stress receded a little I found out that the universe or God always provides.  Now, I am not saying go out there and get crazy spending large sums of money that you don't have and have no way of paying back.  What I am saying is that if you are in a situation and you need or desire something and you are working hard and what you are wanting is not going to immediately cause damage.

Go for it, do what you feel comfortable with and what makes you happy. Even if things get tight for awhile a way will be provided to help you through, we are not left to fend for ourselves.  Don't deny yourself things that are necessary, and don't choose to be second rate.  Go for what you want, make yourself happy.  As I have told you over and over again, life is too short.  I don't want you to sweat the small shit in life! Let them pass, they will take care of themselves in the long run.  Now, you have to understand that I am talking about small things, necessary items, and so forth.  I am not telling you to go out and buy a Ferrari, unless you have the money to make the down payment, and the payments aren't going to cripple you to the point that you cannot take care of any other bill or yourself.  Be reasonable, but if it really is something you want then I think you should go for it.

This weekend my father and I went out car shopping, he found a car for $1295.00 he thought that I should buy it. But, it wasn't me, and I knew I wouldn't be happy driving it.  I stood my ground and went looking for something more my style and that I would feel comfortable with.  I decided to stand my ground and get something that I liked and wanted.  Now, I have a car payment and collision insurance, bills that I honestly wasn't wanting or planning on.  However, I realized that if I didn't take matters into my own hands and make some sort of decision I was going to end up with car I wasn't comfortable with.  Yes, the payments are monthly and that wasn't in my budget either, I was planning on buying a cash car, and making due.  But, in the end I wasn't going to be happy at all.  So I did what I thought was best.  I bought something that I was interested in and I liked, I fretted and worried about the amount of money that I was spending and how much it is going to cost me over the next 2 1/2 years, but I stuck to my guns and got something that I liked.

How many times have you chosen to settle without thinking about your wants, needs and desires?  I bet it has been a lot, and you were never really happy with the choice you made. I want you to know that I have been there right with you.  As with all things you have to do them in moderation and at small manageable chunks at a time.  You have to be willing to think and find a solution, confront your fear that you have over extended yourself and push aside the feeling that you are doomed because you don't know how you are going to cover the added expense.  In this situation you have to be open minded and willing to work toward a solution.  You aren't the first one that has made a decision that was extremely costly and had to think outside of the box to find a workable solution to the issue at hand.

Have you ever heard the saying " God helps those that help themselves"  this is sincerely true. He is not going to let you falter or fall, He doesn't put us in situations that are greater than our ability to confront them and overcome them.  Like I said earlier the universe or God will provide.  He will make a way for you to come through the situation in a much better and stronger place.  Some how and someway that you have never dreamed of the money to cover the situation will come.  Seemingly it will come from nowhere, and you will look back at all the posturing and stress and realize that you had made the right decision and that everything will work itself out.  You can do this, you can disrupt your pattern of behavior and break the habit, and what seemed so daunting a task will begin to become manageable and you will succeed.

Again, I am not telling you to go out and run up your credit cards, or buy things you want just so you can have them, you need to act moderately and work toward getting them.  You have to be willing to work hard and do what you can, because I promise you the rest will come.  Don't try to put on airs and live above your means because if you do this, I guarantee you will be continue to struggle, and won't be able to come up with a solution to help you out.  Keep the things that you buy down to necessary items, food, housing, transportation, utilities, etc.  If you do this I promise you that if you need something really desperately a way will be made for you to have it. Same thing with wanting something, if it truly is something you cannot live without, a way will be provided to help you through the struggle.  As I have said before nothing worth doing is ever easy and I mean that.

The reason why I am telling you this is because I want you to understand, that settling for something and making yourself miserable is not going to get you anywhere. Only you can make yourself happy, you have to do for yourself and provide for yourself, no matter how much it hurts you, because a way will be made to help you through. In the example above about the car, I was in desperate need of my own reliable transportation, I was being pushed one way and instead of settling for just old anything, I was determined to get what I want. I know that I am going to be struggling for the next few months till I can get everything back under control, but I know that I am not going to worry about it because God has my back.  He isn't going to let me fail, because He alone knows how hard I have been trying to reach this goal.  Yes, I will admit that I am a bit worried about the payments and other things because that takes a big chunk out of my disability check. But I know in my heart that if I am short, a way will be provided for me to have what I need to make this work.

Stressing over money is one of the biggest problems we have in this world today. But I am hear to tell you that if you keep the Faith, God will help you and keep you afloat.  Be sure to do what you feel in your heart is the right thing to do, then just do it. After that God will help you manage it.  Remember to always to make yourself happy, don't worry about how other people feel about what you are doing.  Remember you can't please everyone all of the time, but you sure can make sure you please yourself.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Bisexuality....My take on the subject

I honestly don't think many people like to be labeled one thing or another, but I was thinking about bisexuality the other day and it began to dawn on me that we are all born bisexual. It is only after we start to form bonds with others that it becomes evident that we are part of one group or another. It seems to me that as we grow and mature, the attraction between one sex or the other starts to outweigh one another. For example in elementary school and middle school I was attracted to both guys and girls, in high school I still dated girls, but it was here that I finally started to be attracted to guys more than girls, and then after high school when I was in the Navy and away from home, I was finally able to explore my sexuality and come to terms with who I was.

Experimentation is a part of everyone's life. I am sure everybody has a story that they could tell you about a friend that they played around with and so forth. It is only when we feel that we bond easier with one sex over the other that we realize or begin to identify with that sexual group. Some people never get out of that stage and enjoy the company of both sexes. People in this category don't necessarily find it harder or easier to bond with male or female, honestly they feel comfortable bonding with either/or depending on the person. In this entry I am going to use the term "homosexual" or "gay" to describe both male and female attraction to the same sex. It will make it that much easier for conversation sake.

Homosexuality has been around as long as man has been on the earth. In ancient times it wasn't as taboo or frowned upon as it is today. There were less stigmas associated with the behavior, and you were free to engage in either same-sex or opposite-sex at your leisure. Bisexuality was probably pretty prevalent in those times. Men and women were more understanding and shared their partners more readily then we do today. Our culture doesn't encourage multiple partners or mates, unless you were part of the old Mormon Faith that believed in polygamy, or still follow more ancient forms of religion like paganism. In countries that practice Buddhism they may take more than one mate because a marriage in their religion is not a sacrament and is considered purely a secular affair. If you find yourself attracted to members of the same sex as well as those of the opposite sex, I encourage you to expand your horizons and actually indulge in those attractions, explore the feelings and intimacy that both offer.

Don't be afraid, empower yourself to seek and discover the benefits of both. You don't have to label yourself as one or the other, be open minded and explore. Youth is meant for taking chances, exploring hidden pleasures and choosing a direction for your life. While you are experiencing and opening yourself up to life and all it's pleasures you are going to begin to feel which group you form closer attachments to and who you feel more comfortable with. As I have said over and over again in other blog entries, experiment and think outside the box, above all else keep an open mind and enjoy the pleasure and sensations you are feeling. Release the feelings of guilt, that are fostered on you by religion and societal pressures there is nothing wrong with what you are doing, and everyone has tried it in some form or fashion at least once in their lives. Some believe that if you are gay or bisexual that you have chosen this path, and I can tell you, I for one did not make a conscious decision to be gay. I can tell you that over time I felt I could bond and understand males more than females. I felt more comfortable being with males and I felt closer to them than I did females. As I have told you I dated both for a long time, and over time the affinity I felt for males begun to outweigh what I felt for females. Most of my best friends are females, I feel a kinship to them, I think because we have similar interests and habits. I can also tell you this, if I would have been able to make a choice, I would never have chosen the course that I am on.

Gay relationships are harder than straight ones, and have their own internal pressure as well as the pressure from outside. All because society's views are that of being closed minded and repressive. We are taught that it is wrong to care for someone of the same sex, and it is preached against in the church and so forth. We have to deal with all those pressures, as well as the ridicule and hate that are spawned by those teachings. Which is why some people choose to hide their sexuality and live dual lives and hide behind lies. By doing such they carry a tremendous amount of pressure and guilt upon their shoulders. For a better picture of what I am talking about above I suggest that you read my entry on "Coming out a tale of fear" I talk about some of the same things in it. Societal norms and pressure put on today's youth about their sexuality and preference is extremely prejudicial and makes it hard for them to deal with the feelings that they feel inside of them, and with those feelings, comes fear of discover, fear of being different, fear of not being excepted, fear of being ridiculed and the total fear that everyone they know will abandon them. Trust me coming to terms with your own sexuality is one of the hardest things you are going to have to do. But as I have stated I am a firm believer that this is not a personal choice we are born the way we are and we gravitate and feel a connection with one or the opposite sex as we develop and mature more. The group we eventually align with or are drawn to is dependent solely on which group we feel more closely connected to and bond easier with.

When we are conceived without gender, the gender assignment doesn't happen till the 13th week of pregnancy or after. Hormones present in the amniotic fluid help the embryo develop into a male or female fetus. The hormone for males is testosterone and estrogen for the females. but up until the 16th week of pregnancy the developing genitalia are identical apart from the hormone that is present in the maternal system, which helps identify what sex the baby is going to be when born. So from conception till week 16 both the male and female zygote, embryo to fetus transition happens exactly the same, there is no way to determine what gender they are going to be, except by testing the hormone levels, and depending on the mother's hormone levels this too could be misleading. A woman with high levels of testosterone would give an abnormal reading at first as would a woman with the reverse, high levels of estrogen. In some rare cases human children have been born of both sexes. Having developed male and female genitalia. Again, this research just goes to prove that we are of both sexes till some point in the maturation process within the womb, therefore it is probable that bisexuality is a natural condition for us humans, and that we let society and religion taint it and make it wrong.

What you should come away with from here is that you shouldn't be afraid to explore your own sexuality, and should feel comfortable with what you do. There is no shame in experimentation and discovering for yourself what feels enjoyable. Don't let society pressure you into a role that you are uncomfortable with. There is no shame in remaining bisexual, maybe you find sex with both sexes extremely pleasurable. I see nothing wrong in that at all. Most of us, if not all have experimented. Some like me have found that we bond and attach more easily to men, over time the attraction toward men becomes stronger and we identify ourselves as being gay. However, others will find that the attraction to the opposite sex grows stronger as the grow and mature so they associate themselves with being heterosexual or straight. Though there are those that can label themselves anyway they want and still find beauty in both sexes. I know I do, though I openly consider myself gay, I still find some women very attractive and talk to them. Of course, I catch myself looking at men too and finding them attractive.

A word of caution don't let other people tell you what you are and what you are supposed to be. You are you and only you can decide what is going to make you happy. I have known so many men that have stayed in the closet and gotten married and had children who continue to play with members of the same sex behind their spouses back. I have even know a few that decided well into their marriage that they couldn't stand to live with the lies and deceptions any longer so they tell their family. Everyone gets hurt in that scenario. I ask you to be brutally honest with yourself and those around you. Don't let a lie destroy you and hurt the people you care about, and be sure you are ready to make a commitment before you jump into something. Again I suggest you try it before you knock it.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What is Mediation, and how can you benefit from it?

First, let me take a minute to say Thank You for coming this far with me on this little journey toward enlightenment and self-awareness.  This is the last blog entry in this current series.  There will be other to come in the future I am sure.  So take the time to join my blog and follow the entries as they unfold.  I am attempting to build my audience and would love to have you be a part of my community.

In this entry we are going to talk about meditation and it's possible benefits that you can get out of utilizing meditation in your daily life.  So, let's start this off right by first telling you that Mediation is derived from the word meditate.  According to Webster's Pocket Dictionary and Thesaurus defines meditate as: "to be in continuous contemplative thought; to think about doing some thing."  There are many schools of thought on meditation; some believe that meditation opens the mind to a higher form of consciousness, others claim it is just the stilling of ones mind to allow exploration of the subconscious, still others say that it is the key to ultimate knowledge and enlightenment, there are so many different opinions that it would be impossible to list them all in this blog.

It is my own opinion that maybe every single one of them are right in some way shape or fashion.  No matter what your religious beliefs are or what school of thought you identify with, it will not change what meditation is and how it can help you.  Personally I like to think of it as prayer and a form of inner evaluation, a form of self-reflection and a tool to help us divorce ourselves from the physical world and glimpse and sometimes enter the spiritual realm.  I have studied many of the worlds religions, and have practiced some of them from time to time.  Each religion teaches and embrace mediation.  In Christianity it is in the form of prayer, in Hinduism it is in the form of lighting candles and incense and assuming the lotus position, and so on and so forth.  Each time I have tried to learn the religious aspects of meditation I found it confusing , hard to accomplish and at times elusive.  The reason why this happened is because the simple concept of self-realization and inner focus was incorporated into the religious culture and dogma and became wrapped up and cloaked in religious tradition.

The concept of meditation is very simple.  It is the stilling of ones mind and allowing the conscious thought to relax control over the body and surrenders control to the subconscious, it is almost like the rational mind (conscious) falls into a light slumber where you can still think and remember what is happening.  Once you have stilled your mind your body relaxes, your respiration and breathing slows as well as your heartbeat.  As you enter this state the subconscious is able to focus your mind on issues or thought abstracts that your waking or rational mind has not been able to work out or deal with.  Thus allowing you to have deeper thoughts, explore the inner recesses of your mind.  Further, when you reflect inward and review your life, you can see and understand things that have been bothering you and you had no idea why.  As you think these deeper thought you are opened up to a greater understanding and spiritual awareness and awakening is able to enter into your body.  Dreams they say is how the subconscious mind works out problems and issues that your conscious mind is either unaware of or are too complex for total understanding.  It is through mediation that we are able to view these issues and allow the subconscious to work on the issues without the constraint of the rational mind holding you back.

As you meditate and your mind calms, you will be able to focus your will reduce your stress, contemplate and understand complex abstracts.  As your mind stills and your body relaxes your subconscious takes control, now remember that the body's autonomic nervous system is control by the subconscious mind.  So when I talk about how you can benefit from mediation, you receive improved and efficient respiration, breathing is normalized, stress is reduced and blood pressure drops, basically your body's natural health is improved and becomes more efficient. Meditation is definitely a tool you will want to use on your journey of self-discovery and spiritual enlightenment.  Another benefit of letting the rational mind relax your subconscious becomes open and receptive to abstract thoughts and spiritual energy. You are able to glimpse and possibly at times enter into the spiritual realm and gain better insight into yourself and those around you.

I find myself mediating at various different times and because it has become second nature too me I seem to slip in and out of it with out sometimes even realizing that I am doing it.  I also have a dedicated time when I meditate, I like to meditate when I am grounding and centering, I find that it helps me align my bodies energy field and focus my will to a singularity of purpose.  Feel free to mediate whenever you want and as often as you would like. It will become second nature to you as well and you will be amazed at some of the thought you will begin to think and understand.  I also like to mediate when I write, for some examples of this look at my blog entries on vision 20/20 and happiness, and time..I think you will begin to see what I mean by abstract thoughts can be analyzed and your how your knowledge and understanding of them improves.

Take some time just like I described in the last entry on grounding where you can be alone and uninterrupted for a period of time, close your eyes, relax your mind and let your body relax as well.  Just let your mind go and follow where it leads, look into your self, and be honest with yourself and you will see what I mean about becoming open and receptive.  That is all there is too mediation.  Pretty simple right!  Keep in mind that using meditation with ground will help keep your body in balance and strengthen your inner focus and sharpens you will to a point of singular purpose.  Your body will benefit from renewed health, vitality and become more efficient in handling negative energy and help you to live in a positive state of being.

This series has been about that allowing us to have to tools needed to reflect inward, begin a journey of self-awareness and self-discovery and spiritual enlightenment.  It was also about using our unconscious(subconscious) mind to view and pick up on abstract thoughts and take those inner issues that our rational mind cannot handle and working to resolve them.  It allows us to be open and receptive to change and allows us to understand ourselves and those around us.

Learn from mediation, use it and see how great you will feel.  Again you have nothing to loose by trying it and you have so much to gain from it.  It is a win-win situation all the way around.  As always I look forward to hearing from you and I appreciate your feedback and comments. Tell me what you think and how you feel on this or any other subject I have written about.  You can contact me directly through the blog, or write to me on facebook at www.facebook.com/bryan.zepp2 or via email at bryanzepp@gmail.com.

All my hopes and dreams are with you

Uncle B

Techniques and Practices that will help you successfully ground yourself

In yesterday's blog entry I spoke to you about the concept of grounding and how it can benefit you.  Now, what I would like to do is explain just a few simple techniques you can use to achieve grounding. Believe me when I tell you there are many ways and techniques out there that a person can use to achieve grounding.  My goal is to narrow down that list, by giving you a foundation upon which you can build on.  Feel free to customize and adapt either of the techniques I am about to talk to you about and make them your own. Find the easiest most comfortable way to achieve this and it will become second nature and automatic. Like I said be creative, have fun with it and make it your own..  All I ask is hat you push your fear and skepticism aside and just try it, you will be glad you did and will feel the benefits right away.There is nothing to lose, it can't hurt, and you have so much to gain, just have to do it.  As with all things that are new to us we have natural doubts, we are skeptical and may have second thoughts or misgivings about grounding.  But, if you go into it with an open mind and a receptive heart you cannot go wrong.

Getting rid of negativity in your life, freeing yourself from the rut that you have been stuck in, ending the cycle of depression and fear that has been keeping you prisoner; are just some of the things you can expect to gain.  Others, will include more energy, a feeling of inner peace and you will have a sharper focus.  Things around you will start to change, the new positive outlook, will start to draw more people and things to you and around you. Opportunities will begin to open up for you and your whole life will become enriched.  Keep in mind that positive attracts positive, inner calm brings inner peace and with our stress reduced, our body can rest easier and will benefit from more efficient healing and recuperation, which in turn lets us sleep more peacefully, allowing us to feel renewed, refreshed, relaxed and energized. Trust me when I say it is a win-win situation, you have absolutely nothing to lose, except maybe depression, anxiety, stress and the familiarity of despair.

Now, I have your interest right?  I think I might! So how do you get to this point? It really isn't as difficult as you might think, keep in mind that there are many ways to do this and it is your job to seek out which one is easiest and right for you, then make it your own.  There are an unlimited possibilities, techniques, methods, techniques, and philosophies on this out there, feel free to mix and match, add, subtract, personalize it anyway you see fit.  A few examples are Gardening, Baking, Reading, spending time with nature. As I said there are unlimited possibilities you just got to figure out which one fits you and then you just incorporate some basic techniques and then you are all set.  Doing something outside of your comfort zone will give you the most outstanding results.  Now we are going to delve into the basics and give you a thorough understanding of them so that you can incorporate them in your daily life.

The basic of grounding are pretty simple and easy to follow:

• Set aside a dedicated time of day. It works better if you use the same time as much as possible.  Though there will be times when you can't do it at the same time or you may find you need to have more than one time set aside per day.  Personally I have my time set for the morning so the tone of my day is set.  Then when I need to I throw in an evening time when appropriate. (15 to 30 minutes is all the time you need)
• Make sure that you have selected a private place and you will not be interrupted.  Turn off your phone and isolate yourself all outside influences and distractions. 
• Clear your mind and relax.
• Feel the energy flow from above you and through you.
• Let it pass through you into the ground.

With all this being said lets get to it.  These are my simple techniques that I use.  Sometimes I add music and other things when I am trying to relax and ground, as I told you earlier the possibilities are unlimited and there is no wrong way or right way, it is just your preferences and what you feel comfortable with.  My favorite and probably first choice is a natural approach and incorporates nature in all the beauty and wonder that exists there.  If you live in a city it maybe a little hard for you to find the perfect spot.  But, the neat bonus is that you can try all sorts of different spots, and change them as frequently as you want.

In our overview on grounding, I explained that grounding is a natural phenomenon therefore somehow it seems fitting that the first technique takes place and incorporates nature in its usage. I have set aside a time for each day to explore nature.Personally I choose to do my grounding in the morning. My reasoning is this I am not a morning person, it takes me a bit to wake up and get my day going. Therefore, when I ground and commune with nature I set the tone for my entire day.  When I step out of the house I am positively energized, I am eager to face the day with renewed joy and vigor.  

But how do I achieve all of this? Simple I select my personal block of time, as stated earlier about 15 to 30 minutes each morning., where I isolate myself from the outside world.  This means that I turn off the cell phone, television and ensure that I avoid any distractions and interruptions.  I step out into nature and observe it in all of its beauty and majesty.  I actually don't have to physically go anywhere I personally like to sit in my backyard, or go to the beach or even the public park.   Next, I feel the sun warming and this helps me quiet and still my mind.  I also like to touch the plants, smell the flowers, talk to the animals that are in the vicinity. As I am doing this I let my mind grow quiet pushing out all thoughts and distractions and I feel the energy of the sun flowing all over me and through me.  As the energy courses through my body from the heavens toward the ground, I actually feel the negativity and stress of the world and the previous day drain slowly out of my body. The positive energy flows from the sky through the top of my head and then through my body and leaving it through my feet and my hands that touch the plants and other things.  All the while I rejoice and give thanks for another day as my body fills with the energy of the sun.

The second method is just a little variation on the first instead of walking around and touching things to ground, I find a tree to rest on, I place my back and head against the trunk as I lean back.  I can feel the energy of the sun flowing down from the sky into the trees leaves and flows through the trunk heading to the roots for grounding but because I am leaning against the tree, I am actually part of the trees circuit the energy that flows down frAom the sun, enters my body through the trunk into my head and flows through my body, and exit through my back and drawn down into the ground by the trees roots. As the energy is drawn through me and suffuses me in every way and as long as my mind is free from all outside thoughts, influence and then isolating me from the clutter and activity of the world for just 15 to 30 minutes each morning I feel refreshed and energized to face the day.  Now, if for some reason I cannot get out into nature, I do the next best thing, I sequester myself away in my room.  Again turning off  all distractions and shutting my door so I am not disturbed.  I then go through the steps again, visualizing the energy from the sun flowing down through my roof through the top of my head and travelling through my body seeking to reach ground.  Remember there are so many ways to customize this that whatever you choose to do will work as long as you keep to the basics. As you can see the only difference between the above techniques is the venue where the grounding actually takes place.

In just a few moments after starting the grounding process I feel the tensions, stress, emotions and all the negativity from the day before to melt and begin to be washed away. It is just that simple, and I can start my day and know that I am going to have a positive one.  The one thing that I do is to give thanks for being granted another day, say thank you to the tree or nature that has been so kind as to assist me in my grounding efforts and then I take a few minutes to think of some key words to help me through the coming day and help me maintain my positive focus.  These are words that I hope to demonstrate, exhibit, impart to those with whom I may come in contact with or might interact with throughout my day.  These are words like: Love, Compassion, Understanding,, Caring, Wisdom, Kindness, humility, gratitude etc.  I keep these words in the front of my mind throughout the day and to help me maintain focus.

Well you made it this far by reading this post, please don't give up just yet bear with me just a little bit longer as I summarize what I have been trying to get across to you and the key points I hope you will remember.  By now I have defined what grounding is; given you the benefits of; then through in my concept of key words to help us manage and cope with the day.  All you need to walk away with is this: Ground yourself daily, be open and receptive, make it your own, experiment with it, have fun with it, and customize it anyway you want so that you are totally comfortable with the process. But above everything else I want you to try it!

The techniques I talked about were Nature Grounding (or using nature and natural surroundings and settings).  The other is when you couldn't get out in nature then you use what I call Visual Grounding (grounding utilizing visualization) and is done in your private place where you won't be interrupted.  Remember the basics, use key words and you will be amazed at how your day turns around and how things begin to open up for you. You will also notice the immediate benefits of renewed spirit, health all the while of experiencing a positive focus and will be amazed at how relaxed and refreshed you feel.

Please join me for the next entry as I will be going through mediation and how it can and will benefit you.  As always your feedback and comments are appreciated and solicited.  Feel free to ask any questions and remember that I am here for you.  Write to me on Facebook at www.facebook.com/bryan.zepp2 or bryanzepp@gmail.com.  If you have enjoyed what you have read please follow my blog, join up and become a follower.  I am trying to build up my audience and I want you to be a part of my community.

All my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

Today is Mother's Day do something special for all the special women in your life that have sacrificed and provided for you.  Make sure you tell them thank you and acknowledge what they have done for you.

All my love,

B