I give and you take this is the story of my life. Or has been up till now, for years I was walking around invisible, the man behind the men in my life. I was taking care of the messes, the issues, the financials but I was behind the scenes. No one ever cared about my feelings, I was the one making all the sacrifices and the hard decision that needed to be made. I was essentially on my own taking care of everyone around me in ways that they didn't even consider. Now that I have reached the ripe ole age of 50 I am beginning to start a new chapter in my life and I don't want to be confined to the backseat role that I have always had.
No that life isn't for me anymore. I am not content just staying in the background and lurking in the shadows. I want the world to see me and I want center stage for a change. Someone needs to put me first and foremost in their life and if they can't do it, then it is time for me to move on. My name should have been Mat because essentially that is what I relegated myself too. I became the doormat for everyone to walk across as they came upon me. In order to get to the other side they had to walk right over me and you know what I let them. By holding in the hurt, sadness, disappointment and anger that I felt, I passively let each person continue on like I was just a fly necessary but a nuisance. I am very tired of feeling that way, and I have come to the point in my life, that it has become alright if I am alone.
I don't need anyone else to make me feel worse about myself than I already do. I need someone to lift me up and put me as priority and I will not settle anymore for less than that. With everything that I have been through and all that I have endured you would think that a simple relationship would be easy for me, but it has been the hardest work of my life, and I am still in a position where I feel like I am second rate. I should feel like a champion, I should have strength of mind and body to ensure that I am taking care of. Yet, for some reason I have yet to understand, I seem to put everyone else ahead of me and I am surprised when I end up getting hurt by them. Nothing has ever prepared me for the treachery of the human mind, and I guess that I have been setting myself up for failure all along, by not being able to remain alone, I open myself up to the predators of the world. They see my kind heart and good nature as a plaything that they can manipulate and use me. Guilt is their most effective weapon and I have begun withdrawing myself from the world and those around me. I am not going to be used and walked on for the rest of my life.
Somewhere out there there has to be some soul that is sympathetic to mine and who will love me and cherish me as much as I do them. All my friends tell me that I am a wonderful and beautiful person, so why can't I find a partner who see's me as they do? Why must I only find those that choose to use me and manipulate me, that eventually leave me broken hearted and damaged and alone. Where I have to pick up the shattered remains of my life and move on by myself, struggling to come to grips with the fact that the person I have spent my time, energy, money and resources on doesn't care enough to stay around when I need them the most.
Once upon a time there was someone that I grew close too and we were together a long time, we did everything together, though at first we didn't like one another something happened and 10 years later I am wondering where he went and why he left. When he was seriously ill I stayed with him and took care of him, got him back to health and put up with him going out and leaving for days on end and hooking up with other people, but eventually I went through a similar medical situation and I needed him and guess what after all that time together off and on he took off and never came back. I was younger then and I was able to finally slowly recover on my own, but in the long run things never got back to same place. Yes, we have stayed in touch but we have never gotten back together and that is no longer in the cards for us. We have drifted apart and taken different paths that are no longer in sync with one another, instead of converging at this point they are diverging and getting wider apart with each passing year.
A relationship is supposed to be a mutual agreement between two people that have similar goals and desires who choose to team up and help each other achieve those said goals. It is a partnership based on trust and compromise, that also has a physical aspect to it that makes it worthwhile. If said relationship lacks any of these qualities it falls apart fairly rapidly. One party or the other is unhappy and tensions build inside and tear the thing apart. Usually, one or the other partner cares more about one than the other and that is what makes it so easy for it to be torn apart. But the one that loves the least ends up with the power in the relationship because they end up being the one that has the strength to leave and move on with their lives the easiest. The one with the most love invested in the situation is the one that is left behind hurt and wondering what really went wrong with the situation in the first place. Most of the time they are blissfully unaware that their partner is unhappy and wandering. They have the most time and money also invested in the relationship so when they other leaves the other is ruined both emotionally, financially and worse off mentally.
My whole life has been a series of this unfortunate unions and you would think that I would have learned how to guard my heart and let a callous form around it to protect it from giving out that love again so easily, but in my case that would mean a total alteration in my personality and I am afraid that I would lose the big heart that I am known for. It is a pattern of behavior that I have to learn to break otherwise it will continue to happen to me over and over again if I let it.
I talk about patterns a lot and how we as individuals can get locked in to those patterns and if repeated enough they become second nature too us and become a habit. The courts call this Habitual Offense it proves a proven pattern of repeat behavior that will continue unless the cycle is somehow broken. The legal system feels that incarceration is the answer to break these patterns of behavior, but I don't think that works out like they hope, because in my experience once that person is released from jail they immediately revert to the old familiar patterns. My belief is that we can only break a pattern of behavior if we chose to directly replace that pattern with a different one that yields better results. Habits can be broken but take time and a lot of practice, they also need to be watched and worked at vigorously to keep them broken or they creep back and we relapse. Patterns are so ingrained in us that they cannot be broken they have to be replaced. I know that I said that I believe that patterns if done enough become habit, but now that I focus on it more closely the truth has become evident it is the habits that if done long enough become patterns and those patterns in turn keep us locked into a cycle of behavior that our mind just accepts as it's new reality. To truly break out of pattern we much replace it like I said and that requires us to change the entire parameters that make up the pattern, such as people, place, things, situations, triggers and memories. This becomes truly hard and that is why addiction is such a hard thing to overcome and why many people fall back and relapse time after time.
Nothing is easy in this life and if it hurts you learn from it and it changes you both fundamentally and mentally. I find that the more you have to work for and the harder you strive to get what you want the more you cherish what you achieve. With this in mind and a positive mental attitude you can achieve anything that you set your sights on. No one promised you that life would not have issues or difficulties along the way, and we are creatures of habit and fall into patterns of habit that become hard to break, but everything in this world can be changed if you put your mind to it. Always remember that every situation has a time limit. Every event that happens in your life is only temporary and will soon pass by. So at this point whatever difficulty you are facing, whether it is something that you know how to accomplish or not, keep in mind that it is just a flash in the pan, and that life will continue on. Minutes keep ticking by even in your are laying down, they keep going if you are in jail or sick and in the hospital. Nothing is forever but death and thoughts, and time. Everything else will pass by if you just keep going.
Some of the fundamental tenants that I live by is that you can change the outlook on things by changing your point of view and you can alter your perception of things by adjusting your mental attitude. Life is full of a series of roadblocks, pitfalls, and traps, but these only serve to make your stronger for the journey ahead. Also that it is not the destination that matter but the path you choose to take because that is what is going to define you. Never look back on your past and be disappointed in where you are, look closely to the journey you took to get there and all the things that you have learned along the way. A positive mental attitude will set you up for a very positive day and will disperse any negative energy that might be lingering in your path. Smile and be glad of heart because you have a new day to rejoice in with no mistakes in it, so go ahead and screw it up your worst because you will have another chance to do it all again tomorrow. Don't let other peoples opinions way you down, march to your own drum and be your own individual, because in the long run only you can create your own happiness, no one can do it for you. Always remember that you never know where a casual conversation will lead you and who you might meet because of it. Life is full of mysteries, learn a little something new everyday and you will feel better and like you have accomplished something. I could go on but I think that you are getting the point.
But the final thought that I want to leave with you before I close out this entry is that never take more than you give, and never keep those around that are taking more than they are giving back because those that don't give as much as you will eventually throw you out of balance and cause you negativity to build up in your life you don't need that, cut them loose because they really aren't good friends and they are definitely healthy for you to keep around you. Negative energy attracts more negative energy, and the opposite is true as well positive attracts positive and will increase your longevity in the long run. I am living proof of that
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label ambitions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ambitions. Show all posts
Monday, January 14, 2019
Tuesday, September 4, 2018
Effecting Change
Today I sat on the computer and sprouted some heavenly epiphanies with everyone. Just random thoughts that entered my head, they made a lot of sense and may have helped a couple of people, but the truth is that sometimes good thoughts come to me and I don't always put them down and when I do they are quickly read and forgotten on Facebook and other mediums. I continue to write in my blog and every once in a while I will get a response and an email from someone encouraging me to keep writing, but the problem is that some of the things I talk about are repetitious, there are bits and pieces of lessons that are shared in one post that are referenced and brought up again another post. I have been giving advice and writing in this blog since 2012 and I have repeated some of the lessons that I have learned multiple times. Most of the time it is on purpose because I have this feeling come over me that someone is needing to hear that message right then and there and so I sit down at the computer and I begin writing.
2018 was supposed to be my year, because at the end of 2016 I lost the trailer and ended up on the streets and Dominic was arrested and I was on my own and I didn't have a clue what to do. Luckily Miss Milly came into my life and let me come stay with her. But, she ended up losing her place and we landed smack down on North Street in Daytona, and because of foolish decisions Dominic and I both got arrested the summer of 2017 and we ended up losing the house on North and Spruce. Since then Dom and I have been on the street bouncing around and finally landing at Tattoo's house we started to get ourselves together then things started going crazy again and I ended up get robbed several times and everyone got really heavy into drug use. Finally in December of 2017 I called my dad and I asked him to take me to my friends place in Jacksonville and I started over, I had invited Dominic to go with me, but he didn't want to and he asked me to stay with him and not leave him. But thinking I knew best I took off and I got on my feet, only to have to rug pulled out from under me again when tragedy struck in Jacksonville, Demario passed away rather unexpectedly, he had been sick since late January early February but we were thinking that he would get well enough to travel home to Boston and get a full recovery. But in May it all went wrong and before I knew it he was gone and things started getting crazy and I felt totally different. Around that time I also found out the my dad and brother were both sick, I had finished chemotherapy for esophagus cancer and I was on the mend and thought it would be okay to head back to Daytona.
I should have known better from the moment I stepped into town the forces aligned against me and everyone who claimed to be my friend ended up trying to scam me and use me, they used guilt and against me and even took my car and left me stranded multiple times. I got so sick while I was there and so many other things happened that I thought I would never be able to escape. Luckily I was able to, I was able to finally get away and got out of the situation that I was in. But, I didn't do it on my own, I had to have the help of a couple of friends, one who was kind enough to open her home to me and the other who was willing to help me get the bus ticket to get to my other friends house. Both of them knew that I was strong enough to recover if I could just escape the influences that were holding me back and fighting for control of my life. You may think I am crazy but I am going to tell you that demons exist and are on the earth today in many different shapes and forms and they are great at possessing people and using them for their own gains.
This summer when I went back to Daytona, I took note of the evil that had taken control of my friends and how seemingly innocent actions had severe and extreme impacts on my life, how my kindness was turned against me and they would play on my feelings and insecurities to get me to do what they wanted. But more importantly I began to realize that these weren't my friends anymore, these were individuals that had lost their identities and their life to drugs and the lifestyle that accompanies it. I watched how each and everyone of them was actually homeless and was bouncing around from place to place, staying with friends or family and using everyone they came in contact with to get the next high or hit. I also started to realize that it was designed as a trap to lure in people and lock them in. I began to see a pattern develop that was consistent with other friends in other cities that were dealing with the same lifestyle and understood how we had all been fooled and possessed by a very powerful demon and how that demon feeds on our misery and homelessness and our discontentment. How when I got away from those that were affected by this entity I felt better and stronger about myself and I could think clearly.
I also realized that none of us are willing to change until we get fed up and are tired of the struggle, when the despair and depression gets great enough it forces us to think about ourselves and helps us break free from the hold of the demon. I am seeing how others that are finally getting clean and joining the ranks of sobriety are feeling and they have shown me that it is possible to end it's hold over us and move forward and get ourselves together and clean up our lives. Many times in order to accomplish this task it means getting away from those that are still under the influence and out of the area where that influence is the strongest. I called it in one of my older posts changing your venue and friends. You have to get away and consciously decide that you deserve better and want better for yourself and that you are tired of struggling and fighting a loosing battle. You are fed up with people stealing from you and using you for their own selfish games. Believe me it is entirely possible to get yourself off the street and recover everything that you have lost. But in order to do that you have to surrender your use of the drugs and stand up and decide that you have had enough and you can't stand to be treated that way anymore, that you are worth more, deserve more and then demand more from yourself and everyone around you. They are going to be against your change, they are going to want to pull you back to your usage, they aren't going to offer you support or help, because they are fully under the control of the substance and the demon, and they want you to be in misery just like them.
Yet, once you get away from the influence and you are off the drug for awhile you will start to feel better and be able to think more clearly. Then things will start to get a little easier, it will take some time, you didn't start doing drugs over night and you will not stop over night, it is a process and a daily struggle. I will admit that I sometimes have feelings of wanting to go back and do it again, but then I see how far I have come and what I have to lose by going back and I am not willing to sacrifice anything that I have gained for the minute of a high and then those terrible hours of regretting what I had done. I learned my lesson this time when I went back to Daytona, I saw exactly the cost and the toll that my dependence cost me. But, because I had the strength to do it once, I was strong enough to be able to do it all over again this time. My bounce back and recovery was much faster than the first attempt. It took me 4 months to get back on my feet when I left Daytona for Jacksonville, this time it took me less than a month. I was able to clean up my bank account, clear up my debt, get my cell phones back and the lines caught up. I was able to get a computer, laptop, Ipad, android tablet and a Macbook laptop, a brand new bed and a new clothes and shoes. If I can do it and all it took was me to turn and walk away from those that were trying to hold me back and I surrendered my dependence on the drug and went sober (cold turkey), you can do it too.
I am telling you that you have the power to effect change in your life, you can accomplish anything that you want, it is all possible and within your grip. First you must recognize you have a problem, you have to have reached a point in your life where you unhappiness outweighs your need for the drug, you have reached a point where you are tired of being stolen from and broke, you are tired of not having your own things and depending on others, and you are tired of having to struggle every day just so that you have food to eat and a place to lay your head. Once you have gotten there everything else is cake and all you need to do is walk away, start over and make the change for yourself. Unfortunately, this is a solitary journey and unless your partner or friend is willing to make the same changes you are they may end up getting left behind. I know it is hard and almost impossible to do, I thought I was going to fail because it was so hard leaving Dominic behind after spending 4 years of my life with him, but I did it, and I am still doing it. I have offered to bring him with me, to move anywhere in the country that he wants to move, on the condition that he is ready to walk away from the drugs and is ready to start living instead of existing. He hasn't gotten there yet, maybe he will never get there, but I know that one day the demons hold over him is going to weaken and when it does it will be his chance to get through this and move on to something better in life than what he has right now.
They tell me that I was always a go getter and when I was younger I would go after things I wanted and rarely would I come back empty handed. I put myself through college, got my bachelors and masters degrees and my first job with the state just because I wanted to. I had the drive and the ambition to succeed and that is exactly what I did. Then cancer came back into my life and I lost myself for a very long time. I turned to drugs to help myself cope with my limitations and disfigurement of my body. The drugs made it easier to have sex and helped me deal with the pain a little better, but for that temporary relief I relinquished my freedom, my will and lost myself in a world where I fell into a pattern of use and abuse and it would continue for years and I thought it was an acceptable trade, but somewhere along the line it got more of hassle to get high, I no longer felt the joy or the rush of the drug and I only felt disappointment and regret and let down because I stopped finding the sex and the joy that I used to have when I would shoot up or smoke, somehow I lost the magic and all I was left with was the drudgery and the loss that my addiction brought me. I was constantly struggling to replace those things that were stolen, and I ended up losing my roof and my independence and became homeless and despondent.
You are a powerful being, God gave you a powerful mind, a living computer capable of restoring and functioning when tragedy and illness hit you. It is so powerful that it can alter your perceptions and change your reality. Take back the control of your life, exorcise your demons, strive for sobriety, set your mind to doing and discovering new things and become an achiever a go-getter and make a change in your life. You have the ability to come back from where you are at, you are stronger than you know and you have been given and extraordinary power to change your environment for the better, you just have to regain control of your life and reality. Attain what is right in front of you and consciously choose to change your life and you will succeed. Effecting change in your life will affect everything and everyone around you and you will become an inspiration for others to follow. Lead by example and triumph over that which has held you down and back from everything you ever wanted.
Trust me if I can do it, SO CAN YOU! God gave you free will so use it! Exercise it today and Exorcise your Demon and leave it powerless behind you. Let it feed on someone else's misery and pain. You deserve so much better, and trust me you will be so much stronger because you have lived through it and survived.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you!
Uncle B
2018 was supposed to be my year, because at the end of 2016 I lost the trailer and ended up on the streets and Dominic was arrested and I was on my own and I didn't have a clue what to do. Luckily Miss Milly came into my life and let me come stay with her. But, she ended up losing her place and we landed smack down on North Street in Daytona, and because of foolish decisions Dominic and I both got arrested the summer of 2017 and we ended up losing the house on North and Spruce. Since then Dom and I have been on the street bouncing around and finally landing at Tattoo's house we started to get ourselves together then things started going crazy again and I ended up get robbed several times and everyone got really heavy into drug use. Finally in December of 2017 I called my dad and I asked him to take me to my friends place in Jacksonville and I started over, I had invited Dominic to go with me, but he didn't want to and he asked me to stay with him and not leave him. But thinking I knew best I took off and I got on my feet, only to have to rug pulled out from under me again when tragedy struck in Jacksonville, Demario passed away rather unexpectedly, he had been sick since late January early February but we were thinking that he would get well enough to travel home to Boston and get a full recovery. But in May it all went wrong and before I knew it he was gone and things started getting crazy and I felt totally different. Around that time I also found out the my dad and brother were both sick, I had finished chemotherapy for esophagus cancer and I was on the mend and thought it would be okay to head back to Daytona.
I should have known better from the moment I stepped into town the forces aligned against me and everyone who claimed to be my friend ended up trying to scam me and use me, they used guilt and against me and even took my car and left me stranded multiple times. I got so sick while I was there and so many other things happened that I thought I would never be able to escape. Luckily I was able to, I was able to finally get away and got out of the situation that I was in. But, I didn't do it on my own, I had to have the help of a couple of friends, one who was kind enough to open her home to me and the other who was willing to help me get the bus ticket to get to my other friends house. Both of them knew that I was strong enough to recover if I could just escape the influences that were holding me back and fighting for control of my life. You may think I am crazy but I am going to tell you that demons exist and are on the earth today in many different shapes and forms and they are great at possessing people and using them for their own gains.
This summer when I went back to Daytona, I took note of the evil that had taken control of my friends and how seemingly innocent actions had severe and extreme impacts on my life, how my kindness was turned against me and they would play on my feelings and insecurities to get me to do what they wanted. But more importantly I began to realize that these weren't my friends anymore, these were individuals that had lost their identities and their life to drugs and the lifestyle that accompanies it. I watched how each and everyone of them was actually homeless and was bouncing around from place to place, staying with friends or family and using everyone they came in contact with to get the next high or hit. I also started to realize that it was designed as a trap to lure in people and lock them in. I began to see a pattern develop that was consistent with other friends in other cities that were dealing with the same lifestyle and understood how we had all been fooled and possessed by a very powerful demon and how that demon feeds on our misery and homelessness and our discontentment. How when I got away from those that were affected by this entity I felt better and stronger about myself and I could think clearly.
I also realized that none of us are willing to change until we get fed up and are tired of the struggle, when the despair and depression gets great enough it forces us to think about ourselves and helps us break free from the hold of the demon. I am seeing how others that are finally getting clean and joining the ranks of sobriety are feeling and they have shown me that it is possible to end it's hold over us and move forward and get ourselves together and clean up our lives. Many times in order to accomplish this task it means getting away from those that are still under the influence and out of the area where that influence is the strongest. I called it in one of my older posts changing your venue and friends. You have to get away and consciously decide that you deserve better and want better for yourself and that you are tired of struggling and fighting a loosing battle. You are fed up with people stealing from you and using you for their own selfish games. Believe me it is entirely possible to get yourself off the street and recover everything that you have lost. But in order to do that you have to surrender your use of the drugs and stand up and decide that you have had enough and you can't stand to be treated that way anymore, that you are worth more, deserve more and then demand more from yourself and everyone around you. They are going to be against your change, they are going to want to pull you back to your usage, they aren't going to offer you support or help, because they are fully under the control of the substance and the demon, and they want you to be in misery just like them.
Yet, once you get away from the influence and you are off the drug for awhile you will start to feel better and be able to think more clearly. Then things will start to get a little easier, it will take some time, you didn't start doing drugs over night and you will not stop over night, it is a process and a daily struggle. I will admit that I sometimes have feelings of wanting to go back and do it again, but then I see how far I have come and what I have to lose by going back and I am not willing to sacrifice anything that I have gained for the minute of a high and then those terrible hours of regretting what I had done. I learned my lesson this time when I went back to Daytona, I saw exactly the cost and the toll that my dependence cost me. But, because I had the strength to do it once, I was strong enough to be able to do it all over again this time. My bounce back and recovery was much faster than the first attempt. It took me 4 months to get back on my feet when I left Daytona for Jacksonville, this time it took me less than a month. I was able to clean up my bank account, clear up my debt, get my cell phones back and the lines caught up. I was able to get a computer, laptop, Ipad, android tablet and a Macbook laptop, a brand new bed and a new clothes and shoes. If I can do it and all it took was me to turn and walk away from those that were trying to hold me back and I surrendered my dependence on the drug and went sober (cold turkey), you can do it too.
I am telling you that you have the power to effect change in your life, you can accomplish anything that you want, it is all possible and within your grip. First you must recognize you have a problem, you have to have reached a point in your life where you unhappiness outweighs your need for the drug, you have reached a point where you are tired of being stolen from and broke, you are tired of not having your own things and depending on others, and you are tired of having to struggle every day just so that you have food to eat and a place to lay your head. Once you have gotten there everything else is cake and all you need to do is walk away, start over and make the change for yourself. Unfortunately, this is a solitary journey and unless your partner or friend is willing to make the same changes you are they may end up getting left behind. I know it is hard and almost impossible to do, I thought I was going to fail because it was so hard leaving Dominic behind after spending 4 years of my life with him, but I did it, and I am still doing it. I have offered to bring him with me, to move anywhere in the country that he wants to move, on the condition that he is ready to walk away from the drugs and is ready to start living instead of existing. He hasn't gotten there yet, maybe he will never get there, but I know that one day the demons hold over him is going to weaken and when it does it will be his chance to get through this and move on to something better in life than what he has right now.
They tell me that I was always a go getter and when I was younger I would go after things I wanted and rarely would I come back empty handed. I put myself through college, got my bachelors and masters degrees and my first job with the state just because I wanted to. I had the drive and the ambition to succeed and that is exactly what I did. Then cancer came back into my life and I lost myself for a very long time. I turned to drugs to help myself cope with my limitations and disfigurement of my body. The drugs made it easier to have sex and helped me deal with the pain a little better, but for that temporary relief I relinquished my freedom, my will and lost myself in a world where I fell into a pattern of use and abuse and it would continue for years and I thought it was an acceptable trade, but somewhere along the line it got more of hassle to get high, I no longer felt the joy or the rush of the drug and I only felt disappointment and regret and let down because I stopped finding the sex and the joy that I used to have when I would shoot up or smoke, somehow I lost the magic and all I was left with was the drudgery and the loss that my addiction brought me. I was constantly struggling to replace those things that were stolen, and I ended up losing my roof and my independence and became homeless and despondent.
You are a powerful being, God gave you a powerful mind, a living computer capable of restoring and functioning when tragedy and illness hit you. It is so powerful that it can alter your perceptions and change your reality. Take back the control of your life, exorcise your demons, strive for sobriety, set your mind to doing and discovering new things and become an achiever a go-getter and make a change in your life. You have the ability to come back from where you are at, you are stronger than you know and you have been given and extraordinary power to change your environment for the better, you just have to regain control of your life and reality. Attain what is right in front of you and consciously choose to change your life and you will succeed. Effecting change in your life will affect everything and everyone around you and you will become an inspiration for others to follow. Lead by example and triumph over that which has held you down and back from everything you ever wanted.
Trust me if I can do it, SO CAN YOU! God gave you free will so use it! Exercise it today and Exorcise your Demon and leave it powerless behind you. Let it feed on someone else's misery and pain. You deserve so much better, and trust me you will be so much stronger because you have lived through it and survived.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you!
Uncle B
Friday, January 23, 2015
Reflections of the past
Sometimes I sit and ponder the what if's and could have been's of my life. I wonder where I would be had I not made some of the choices that I did. Would I still be working for the State of Georgia, would Joe and I still be together, and would we still have the vending machine business, the house in Snellville and the cabin in Blue Ridge?
These reflections aren't painful now, but were once, I have learned so much from the time I left Florida and moved to Atlanta. I found out that you can't change your life for another person, because in the long run they aren't going to appreciate it. They are going to do something foolish and the next thing you know so are you. Had Joe never started smoking Meth, and me getting involved in the whole thing, my life would have been totally different.
I wouldn't have met some of the people that I have along the way. I wouldn't have gotten to experience all the different things that life showed me when I was living on Buford highway and again when I moved back to East Point. Nor would the brief stay in Dallas have marred my relationship with Victoria.
See, I know where my life veered off course, and I can see the issues that it caused. I am no longer sad, because at least I did those things, experienced them and had some fun along the way. I am sorry that Joe and Victoria got hurt, and that in my cavalier attempt to solve the problems, I found that running away to be the expedient answer. I am older now and I look back and I see the image of the man I was and the person I am today, and I am a totally different person, living in a totally different world. I am still on the fringes of the old drug infested life, but I feel the change in the wind and I know that I am going to be carried away in a different direction.
I know in my heart that I am not young anymore, that there are limitations to my physical abilities, but they have not changed much in 10 years, so what am I bemoaning about, what is the problem that is holding me steadfast to the past. Why can't I let the past rest in peace and overcome this obstacle?the answer seems to be me!
It is doubt my friend, doubt keeps you locked in place, freezes your steps and won't let you make a move. Fear is also a factor, what if I fail and what will happen to me then? These are the troubled thoughts that clog your mind and keep you from action and change. It is what keeps you in that dark place and keeps the light from clearing it all away. As I said in my last entry that I have had patches of light in my darkness, but I see clearly that I could move forward if I just let go of the past. Forget where I have been and let go of the fears that are holding me captive.
I look in the mirror and I see a shadow of the person I used to be. A shell, a caricature. I used to be a powerhouse, a go-getter. When I set my mind to a task or wanted something I went out and did it. I had no fear, I was confident and sure in my knowledge and grabbed what I want. Now, time has caught me, I am older, handicapped, different than I used to be. I have had the colostomies, I have had so many surgeries and injuries and hospital stays, that I fear I will never find someone who could or would accept me the way I am in the gay community.
I am afraid that I will die alone, a very lonely and painful death. Unloved and not mourned by anyone other than my family and close friends. See, I know the gay community, I know that they look for the perfect man, they want the washboard abs, the bulging peck muscles, the young stallions, not someone old and frail like me. So, I keep looking to my past to the ones that have loved me before that know my illness and what I have been through, hoping desperately that one would come back into my life.
Yet, I know that isn't likely to happen. I know that the problems of the past that caused us to break up will most likely still be an issue once more. So I am in a catch 22 sort of situation. But I am starting to finally come to terms with my life and what it has become. I am starting to finally become comfortable with my body, and the limitations it has. I think that I may even be ready to take a baby step forward. We shall see mon a'mi!
Looking backwards into the past will keep you wondering and wandering in the darkness, it will keep you locked into your doubts, and can lead to depression and despair. Please don't let your fears keep you in place. Don't be like me and waste so much of your life clinging to the baggage of the past that you forget to live in the moment.
A reflection doesn't always reveal the truth, you have to look closer. I have said that I see a dim shadow of the man I was. But the secret to all of this is that I still see him, and if I see him, I can still be him. I just need to get my confidence and courage and move forward. I have to let go totally of the past and move on. Was I happy in the past? Oh, definitely at times! Yet, there were times when I was saddened. Reflections are only 2 dimensional they aren't the total picture.
Don't let your reflection and the face staring back at you hold you in your past. Release it, let it go, live in the moment. Enjoy the vibrant color and texture of life. See how much more fun and relaxed you will be when you are just living in the moment.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
These reflections aren't painful now, but were once, I have learned so much from the time I left Florida and moved to Atlanta. I found out that you can't change your life for another person, because in the long run they aren't going to appreciate it. They are going to do something foolish and the next thing you know so are you. Had Joe never started smoking Meth, and me getting involved in the whole thing, my life would have been totally different.
I wouldn't have met some of the people that I have along the way. I wouldn't have gotten to experience all the different things that life showed me when I was living on Buford highway and again when I moved back to East Point. Nor would the brief stay in Dallas have marred my relationship with Victoria.
See, I know where my life veered off course, and I can see the issues that it caused. I am no longer sad, because at least I did those things, experienced them and had some fun along the way. I am sorry that Joe and Victoria got hurt, and that in my cavalier attempt to solve the problems, I found that running away to be the expedient answer. I am older now and I look back and I see the image of the man I was and the person I am today, and I am a totally different person, living in a totally different world. I am still on the fringes of the old drug infested life, but I feel the change in the wind and I know that I am going to be carried away in a different direction.
I know in my heart that I am not young anymore, that there are limitations to my physical abilities, but they have not changed much in 10 years, so what am I bemoaning about, what is the problem that is holding me steadfast to the past. Why can't I let the past rest in peace and overcome this obstacle?the answer seems to be me!
It is doubt my friend, doubt keeps you locked in place, freezes your steps and won't let you make a move. Fear is also a factor, what if I fail and what will happen to me then? These are the troubled thoughts that clog your mind and keep you from action and change. It is what keeps you in that dark place and keeps the light from clearing it all away. As I said in my last entry that I have had patches of light in my darkness, but I see clearly that I could move forward if I just let go of the past. Forget where I have been and let go of the fears that are holding me captive.
I look in the mirror and I see a shadow of the person I used to be. A shell, a caricature. I used to be a powerhouse, a go-getter. When I set my mind to a task or wanted something I went out and did it. I had no fear, I was confident and sure in my knowledge and grabbed what I want. Now, time has caught me, I am older, handicapped, different than I used to be. I have had the colostomies, I have had so many surgeries and injuries and hospital stays, that I fear I will never find someone who could or would accept me the way I am in the gay community.
I am afraid that I will die alone, a very lonely and painful death. Unloved and not mourned by anyone other than my family and close friends. See, I know the gay community, I know that they look for the perfect man, they want the washboard abs, the bulging peck muscles, the young stallions, not someone old and frail like me. So, I keep looking to my past to the ones that have loved me before that know my illness and what I have been through, hoping desperately that one would come back into my life.
Yet, I know that isn't likely to happen. I know that the problems of the past that caused us to break up will most likely still be an issue once more. So I am in a catch 22 sort of situation. But I am starting to finally come to terms with my life and what it has become. I am starting to finally become comfortable with my body, and the limitations it has. I think that I may even be ready to take a baby step forward. We shall see mon a'mi!
Looking backwards into the past will keep you wondering and wandering in the darkness, it will keep you locked into your doubts, and can lead to depression and despair. Please don't let your fears keep you in place. Don't be like me and waste so much of your life clinging to the baggage of the past that you forget to live in the moment.
A reflection doesn't always reveal the truth, you have to look closer. I have said that I see a dim shadow of the man I was. But the secret to all of this is that I still see him, and if I see him, I can still be him. I just need to get my confidence and courage and move forward. I have to let go totally of the past and move on. Was I happy in the past? Oh, definitely at times! Yet, there were times when I was saddened. Reflections are only 2 dimensional they aren't the total picture.
Don't let your reflection and the face staring back at you hold you in your past. Release it, let it go, live in the moment. Enjoy the vibrant color and texture of life. See how much more fun and relaxed you will be when you are just living in the moment.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
What happened to old fashion romance and passion in relationships?
I was on the phone with one of my ex's, someone that I was with for quite a while about 25 years ago. He is 2 years younger than I am and he is now dating a 27 year old. He was telling me that his sex life has become almost no existent, that there doesn't seem to be any passion or affection outside of the few times they have sex. Which had gone from 3 or 4 times a weekend to now 1 or 2 times every 3 or 4 weeks. This got me wondering what happened to old fashion romance and passion, where are the cuddling nights sitting on the couch watching a movie together and snuggling? Have those days gone by? Are they gone forever? That brings me back to how can we ignite our love and make it something real and tangible for every day?
See, I am all too aware that there are some relationships that are based on mutual affection, and then there are some that are based genuinely on love, with those few that are just relationships of convenience. Where two people are sharing the same lives, but not the same dreams and goals. It must be sad to feel like you are just roommates with an occasional benefit thrown in every once in awhile. We have talked about relationships in the past and how some are just like business arrangements, that are beneficially mutual to both parties concerned. But what happens when one of the party develops deeper feelings for the other that is not reciprocated?
This I think is what happens in most gay relationships, they start out good because we, and I am using the term we here because I fall into the same category and pattern here, have a tendency to start our relationships off the wrong way. We meet out in a bar, or sometimes with the advent of the internet and all the dating sites, we start off meeting the person, hanging out and before we know it we are having sex. We continue to see that person and the sex continues. Gay men seem to have a misconception that sex and chilling together equates a relationship. We don't go out on traditional dates, we don't explore the other person fully we just jump into it with both feet so to speak. Now, again I can only speak from personal experience, but I have found that the longest relationships that I have had I came at them with a different focus. For example, yes I met Joe my ex of 12 1/2 years by answering a personal add on a computer bulletin board, this is before the internet. We emailed and spoke to one another daily for 6 moths before we ever met. We talked about everything and we explored each other before we ever met. When we did meet I will admit that the first thing we did was have sex. Then we went to dinner with my best friend and chilled out. For the first week we were inseparable, then he had to go back to Atlanta for work, but 2 weeks later he was back in Florida at a job site at the beach, I was actually off of work at the time and was able to meet up with him and spent that week together with him also. We talked about moving me up to Atlanta with him, and he even invited me up for a weekend to see if I liked it. Well with me being there, his roommate came forward and told him how much he cared about him and a lot of drama ensued. I ended up coming back to Florida and talking with the management company of the complex I was living at and found that I could transfer my lease up to Atlanta for only $50.00 which is what we decided to do. Joe and I lived in that apartment in Atlanta for 7 months, most of which time he was never home. I moved to Atlanta and for 5 months he was on the road, and I barely ever saw him. I had gotten a job and started working the Monday after I had moved up there so there was no lapse in pay for me. But let me tell you something even doing it that way, getting to know someone via email and text messaging was not enough. We didn't know each other and didn't give ourselves a chance to get to know one another. Before we knew it we were buying a house together and getting dogs, and before I blinked 5 years had gone by. We were always arguing and fighting and with him travelling so much, there wasn't very much sex between us. But it was okay because I went back to school got my bachelors and master's degrees and kept myself busy while he was away.
The long and the short of it is that with the technology of today, people aren't spending time together and learning about each other. They read an online profile, go out on a date and jump right into the sack with the other person. This doesn't make for a successful relationship at all. Eventually, there are going to be incompatibilities and things that you learn about one another that may change the dynamic of the relationship. If you really care about the person you are with you have to keep the relationship exciting and full of love and feeling. Each one of you needs to be reaffirmed that the other cares about you and feels the same way you do. Affection goes part of the way in doing this, but there has to be verbal affirmation as well. You need to hear it as well as feel it. You need to do simple little things that let the other know what you are feeling towards them. That them running around naked still turns you on and makes you happy. Hide little gifts around, with notes telling them how special they are an what you think about them. Keep in mind that for most people a compliment on the way they look and about their personality will go a long way in reassuring them that you still love and care for them.
My advice to you is that if you want to really discover and find someone that cares about you. Take it slow, get to know them, keep the sex part out of it for as long as you can. Learn all about them, their likes, their dislikes, their favorite things, go out and explore the world together, and do all of this before ever stepping into the bedroom. Because honestly sex stirs up emotions and puts strings on things that maybe should be tied up. I have met tons of people online that advertise that they are looking for casual encounters with no strings attached (NSA). Guess what that doesn't work for me, because after being with them and having sex with them several times, I find myself getting attached, and falling for them. However, as I explained above, I really hadn't gotten to know anything about them, and when it finally and inevitably ends I am the one that is hurting because I connected with that person sexually, I enjoyed being with that person, yet the only thing I truly knew about the person is what they liked to do sexually. When I tried dating some of them, it would only last a short while because outside of the bedroom we would have nothing in common, and those that I did have something with didn't understand the concept of monogamy. So what I am trying to tell you is that you might save yourself some heartache and trouble if you take the time upfront to get to know someone really before you ever jump into bed with them.
Then there are those that you have had sexual relationships with that you feel a kind of connection with that you think you might want to explore further, but how do you go from being a Fuck Buddy to a full partner? The answer is that it can be done but with some difficulty, and patience and a lot of hard work. Because you have to get over the preconceived notions that each of you have built over the casual encounters. You have to take the time to really get to know the person and you have to be willing to start over from scratch, like the past never happened. You can't walk into it and hope that it will gel and work, because it doesn't happen like that. Further, you can't expect everything to fall into place immediately, both of you are going to be at different places in your lives and you are going to have to work hard to bring them together. Because the only way that you can make that type of relationship work is if you are willing to join everything together and start over as a single unit. You can't come at if from two different points of view and expect that your goals, expectations and living situation are just going to fall into alignment. You have to work together, to make a new starting place, fresh, free from the past and you have to work toward building a future together. As my friend in Seattle once told me, the past is behind, keep hold of the memories, but you have to let go of those feelings and emotions and move forward. Forward, is the only way that you can possibly be together, you have to start over in a totally new found place where both of you are on equal footing and no one has the advantage. Get to know one another again, this time from a friend and lover standpoint and not from the sexual standpoint. You already know what they like to do sexually, but what about the rest of their life. What do you know about that? Are you willing to join in and help them reach their personal goals? Are you even aware of their personal goals? How do their goals line up with your own? Then what kind of goals are you and your partner going to want to have together?
See it is very important for you you have a set of goals that provide you a map toward where you are trying to get too. Each of you should have individual goals that will keep you both moving forward, but for a relationship to work you also have to have common relationship goals that both of you are willing to work on together. It is extremely important for a relationship to work to have manageable and achievable goals that both of you are willing to work on together. Plus you have to be willing to support your partners individual goals and they yours. This will make a sound foundation for the relationship and one that is designed to grow. If everyone could get to this point the divorce rate in our country would be on the decline instead of constantly rising each year.
So, what I would like to recommend to you at this point no matter in what type of relationship you find yourself in, if you are wanting to make it work and care about each other than you have to learn how to come together and keep it interesting, new and inviting. You are going to have to talk about your own goals and those of your partner, see where each of you can help the other to reach and achieve their goals. You also have to find goals that will keep the relationship moving forward, and growing as well, these are the common goals I was talking to you about. You have to learn how to keep the mystery and romance alive, do little things that remind each other how much you care and what you love about the other one. You also have to talk to one another, be truthful with your fear, dreams, hopes, desires and most importantly your feelings. Communication and honesty are as important as the affection and sexual parts of the relationship. Make time to spend with one another and make it romantic and special. Remember that just because life hasn't presented you with the perfect opportunity, you can make one. Keep in mind that each moment is unique and special, it is never going to be repeated in the whole of history, so take it and make it unique and special for you and the one that you love.
Surround yourself with positive energy, and friends that are supportive, cling to optimistic people, and shy away from the pessimists, they will hold you back. Also assess your current friends and loved one, those that are taking more away from you than they are giving are holding you back and keeping you from reaching your full potential you have to cut them loose, let them go. Remember only you have you own best interest at heart, and those that don't support you or in some way add benefit to your goals, ambitions, and desires you should let them go. You and your partner do not need to have others hanging around bringing you down, you need people that care about you and are supportive of you both and are willing to build you up.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
See, I am all too aware that there are some relationships that are based on mutual affection, and then there are some that are based genuinely on love, with those few that are just relationships of convenience. Where two people are sharing the same lives, but not the same dreams and goals. It must be sad to feel like you are just roommates with an occasional benefit thrown in every once in awhile. We have talked about relationships in the past and how some are just like business arrangements, that are beneficially mutual to both parties concerned. But what happens when one of the party develops deeper feelings for the other that is not reciprocated?
This I think is what happens in most gay relationships, they start out good because we, and I am using the term we here because I fall into the same category and pattern here, have a tendency to start our relationships off the wrong way. We meet out in a bar, or sometimes with the advent of the internet and all the dating sites, we start off meeting the person, hanging out and before we know it we are having sex. We continue to see that person and the sex continues. Gay men seem to have a misconception that sex and chilling together equates a relationship. We don't go out on traditional dates, we don't explore the other person fully we just jump into it with both feet so to speak. Now, again I can only speak from personal experience, but I have found that the longest relationships that I have had I came at them with a different focus. For example, yes I met Joe my ex of 12 1/2 years by answering a personal add on a computer bulletin board, this is before the internet. We emailed and spoke to one another daily for 6 moths before we ever met. We talked about everything and we explored each other before we ever met. When we did meet I will admit that the first thing we did was have sex. Then we went to dinner with my best friend and chilled out. For the first week we were inseparable, then he had to go back to Atlanta for work, but 2 weeks later he was back in Florida at a job site at the beach, I was actually off of work at the time and was able to meet up with him and spent that week together with him also. We talked about moving me up to Atlanta with him, and he even invited me up for a weekend to see if I liked it. Well with me being there, his roommate came forward and told him how much he cared about him and a lot of drama ensued. I ended up coming back to Florida and talking with the management company of the complex I was living at and found that I could transfer my lease up to Atlanta for only $50.00 which is what we decided to do. Joe and I lived in that apartment in Atlanta for 7 months, most of which time he was never home. I moved to Atlanta and for 5 months he was on the road, and I barely ever saw him. I had gotten a job and started working the Monday after I had moved up there so there was no lapse in pay for me. But let me tell you something even doing it that way, getting to know someone via email and text messaging was not enough. We didn't know each other and didn't give ourselves a chance to get to know one another. Before we knew it we were buying a house together and getting dogs, and before I blinked 5 years had gone by. We were always arguing and fighting and with him travelling so much, there wasn't very much sex between us. But it was okay because I went back to school got my bachelors and master's degrees and kept myself busy while he was away.
The long and the short of it is that with the technology of today, people aren't spending time together and learning about each other. They read an online profile, go out on a date and jump right into the sack with the other person. This doesn't make for a successful relationship at all. Eventually, there are going to be incompatibilities and things that you learn about one another that may change the dynamic of the relationship. If you really care about the person you are with you have to keep the relationship exciting and full of love and feeling. Each one of you needs to be reaffirmed that the other cares about you and feels the same way you do. Affection goes part of the way in doing this, but there has to be verbal affirmation as well. You need to hear it as well as feel it. You need to do simple little things that let the other know what you are feeling towards them. That them running around naked still turns you on and makes you happy. Hide little gifts around, with notes telling them how special they are an what you think about them. Keep in mind that for most people a compliment on the way they look and about their personality will go a long way in reassuring them that you still love and care for them.
My advice to you is that if you want to really discover and find someone that cares about you. Take it slow, get to know them, keep the sex part out of it for as long as you can. Learn all about them, their likes, their dislikes, their favorite things, go out and explore the world together, and do all of this before ever stepping into the bedroom. Because honestly sex stirs up emotions and puts strings on things that maybe should be tied up. I have met tons of people online that advertise that they are looking for casual encounters with no strings attached (NSA). Guess what that doesn't work for me, because after being with them and having sex with them several times, I find myself getting attached, and falling for them. However, as I explained above, I really hadn't gotten to know anything about them, and when it finally and inevitably ends I am the one that is hurting because I connected with that person sexually, I enjoyed being with that person, yet the only thing I truly knew about the person is what they liked to do sexually. When I tried dating some of them, it would only last a short while because outside of the bedroom we would have nothing in common, and those that I did have something with didn't understand the concept of monogamy. So what I am trying to tell you is that you might save yourself some heartache and trouble if you take the time upfront to get to know someone really before you ever jump into bed with them.
Then there are those that you have had sexual relationships with that you feel a kind of connection with that you think you might want to explore further, but how do you go from being a Fuck Buddy to a full partner? The answer is that it can be done but with some difficulty, and patience and a lot of hard work. Because you have to get over the preconceived notions that each of you have built over the casual encounters. You have to take the time to really get to know the person and you have to be willing to start over from scratch, like the past never happened. You can't walk into it and hope that it will gel and work, because it doesn't happen like that. Further, you can't expect everything to fall into place immediately, both of you are going to be at different places in your lives and you are going to have to work hard to bring them together. Because the only way that you can make that type of relationship work is if you are willing to join everything together and start over as a single unit. You can't come at if from two different points of view and expect that your goals, expectations and living situation are just going to fall into alignment. You have to work together, to make a new starting place, fresh, free from the past and you have to work toward building a future together. As my friend in Seattle once told me, the past is behind, keep hold of the memories, but you have to let go of those feelings and emotions and move forward. Forward, is the only way that you can possibly be together, you have to start over in a totally new found place where both of you are on equal footing and no one has the advantage. Get to know one another again, this time from a friend and lover standpoint and not from the sexual standpoint. You already know what they like to do sexually, but what about the rest of their life. What do you know about that? Are you willing to join in and help them reach their personal goals? Are you even aware of their personal goals? How do their goals line up with your own? Then what kind of goals are you and your partner going to want to have together?
See it is very important for you you have a set of goals that provide you a map toward where you are trying to get too. Each of you should have individual goals that will keep you both moving forward, but for a relationship to work you also have to have common relationship goals that both of you are willing to work on together. It is extremely important for a relationship to work to have manageable and achievable goals that both of you are willing to work on together. Plus you have to be willing to support your partners individual goals and they yours. This will make a sound foundation for the relationship and one that is designed to grow. If everyone could get to this point the divorce rate in our country would be on the decline instead of constantly rising each year.
So, what I would like to recommend to you at this point no matter in what type of relationship you find yourself in, if you are wanting to make it work and care about each other than you have to learn how to come together and keep it interesting, new and inviting. You are going to have to talk about your own goals and those of your partner, see where each of you can help the other to reach and achieve their goals. You also have to find goals that will keep the relationship moving forward, and growing as well, these are the common goals I was talking to you about. You have to learn how to keep the mystery and romance alive, do little things that remind each other how much you care and what you love about the other one. You also have to talk to one another, be truthful with your fear, dreams, hopes, desires and most importantly your feelings. Communication and honesty are as important as the affection and sexual parts of the relationship. Make time to spend with one another and make it romantic and special. Remember that just because life hasn't presented you with the perfect opportunity, you can make one. Keep in mind that each moment is unique and special, it is never going to be repeated in the whole of history, so take it and make it unique and special for you and the one that you love.
Surround yourself with positive energy, and friends that are supportive, cling to optimistic people, and shy away from the pessimists, they will hold you back. Also assess your current friends and loved one, those that are taking more away from you than they are giving are holding you back and keeping you from reaching your full potential you have to cut them loose, let them go. Remember only you have you own best interest at heart, and those that don't support you or in some way add benefit to your goals, ambitions, and desires you should let them go. You and your partner do not need to have others hanging around bringing you down, you need people that care about you and are supportive of you both and are willing to build you up.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Have you ever lost yourself in a relationship? How about lost your focus on life?
If you are like me and have lost your sense of identity and self in a relationship you will know what I am talking about in this blog post. Sometimes it is so easy to get wrapped up in a relationship that you isolate yourself. You loose touch with your friends and you begin to slowly lose your sense of individuality. When you go into a relationship you begin to start thinking in terms of we and us and not me and I. Believe me this is normal, but where is the separation? Where does the us stop and the I begin? That is even harder to figure out. Because in a relationship it is about building and doing together. It is about compromise and growing together as a team. But what happens when one of the team wants to be control everything and you have no separation, you have found yourself suddenly alone in a relationship, your friends are not there because you have not been keeping in touch with them, you and your partner have been focussed on building and doing and not cultivating separate friendships, all the friends you now have are mutual. Where do you turn, who do you talk to. How do you regain your sense of purpose?
There maybe internal pressures that have helped to mold and shape you. You have become so dependant on the one you are with and if they aren't uplifting you and pushing you to excel they might be holding you back. Are they putting you down? Are they actually damaging your self-esteem? Your self-worth? Did you wake up one morning and wonder who you were, who is the person you are with? Have no idea where you are going in your life and you seem stuck? I did and I will tell you once you have lost your self it is very hard to find that person you once were. It is hard to focus on the choices you have in front of you and do you feel that you are not worth anything, you have lost direction and focus and honestly don't know which way to turn.
I have been there, I am with you. What it took for me to get past my past and focus on my future was my best friend looking at me one day and telling me that he didn't know who I was anymore, what happened to the person that he knew and the person who when he set his mind to a task forged ahead and accomplished it no matter what the cost. The person who walked to his own beat and didn't care what others had thought. I had to sit back and reflect because he was right that person was gone, what was there was a scared and broken person who couldn't see his own self worth, a shell of the person he once was. A person who once had direction and purpose in his life was now absent from the picture.
It took me almost two full years and a long journey of self discovery and reflection to rebuild and find myself again. If you haven't been to the place I am talking about then count yourself among the lucky. Many of us find love and relationships but it isn't with the right one. We settle, we get comfortable and we stop living and begin to merely exist. We take the criticism of our partners to heart and we let our pride and individuality mesh into a common mold of what society believes a relationship should be. Here is the thing, no relationship is perfect, no partner is perfect, we are not perfect. A relationship is a growing evolving partnership between two individuals, to build and work together for a common goal or good. The key is a partnership between individuals. We must maintain our individuality within our relationships, we must keep our individual friends, we need to make mutual friends and have a common path that is conducive to both parties involved, but we must maintain a slight distance. A relationship becomes unstable and co-dependent when one of the parties begins to loose themselves in it. They surrender all power to the other individual, and become mired in the we and us dilemma and never reach the goal they had originally started for, they have lost their way. When, that happens it is also very easy to lose your sense of worth, your sense of importance, and you begin to feel worthless and useless and are mired in despair. If you go on like that not only will you be miserable, you will do miserable things and you will begin to resent your partner, you will look for ways to get back at them, you will try and out do them. It then becomes a constant game of who can out do the other. This is defeatist, it is destructive, and it is harmful to all parties that are involved. You become entrenched in a rut and you cannot figure out a way to get out of it.
I cannot tell you what the right way is to end this but I can tell you how it ended for me. It took total separation and then soul-searching and a lot of encouragement from peers and friends to look past and beyond where I had been. It took inner peace and asking for forgiveness, admitting I was to blame, that I allowed myself to get caught in the trap. I also prayed, meditated and studied a lot about myself, I sought out patterns and discovered that all our lives are filled with patterns and that if we do not break and cut from the pattern we are on we are prone to repeat it over and over again. I learned that the person with the power in a relationship is the one that cares the least. Whenever we care what another person thinks, or we let another person influence our decisions, we are giving that person the power over us. We surrender our individuality to them and we become followers instead of leaders. No one should have the power to make you feel bad about your decision, what you are wearing, or what you look like. Show the world who you are let them see your colors. Express yourself in the way you dress, the way you style your hair, the jewelry you wear, the words you speak and write. You are what God created an individual. You need to make partnerships and relationships that work and benefit you. If you truly love yourself you can do it. You don't have to wrap yourself within a relationship to have a purpose. You don't have to be the person who sacrifices everything for another. This is supposed to be a partnership, partnerships are formed for protection, benefit of both parties and for reaching a common goal. A partnership is made up of individuals, that come together with a common background, purpose, or goal and they work together to build something new and extraordinary or to benefit each other or the community at large. Look at Doctors, dentists, surgeons and other professionals that form a type of partnership, they have come together to offer a service, reach a goal or in some way enhance one another by their association.
Is this a hard journey? Yes it is. Is it worth the effort? Yes it is! Can you do it? Yes you can. But you need to take back the power you have given to others around you, you need to reflect and recognize your own value and your own self worth. You are a force of nature, something to be reckoned with, realize you don't have to be held down, there is a way out and you don't have to be a shell of yourself. If your partner or mate cannot see this and recognize it. Then it is time to pack your bags and leave, you must do for yourself and you must love yourself. Don't let your heart become filled with anger and hate. Don't let bitterness take over your life, make a change, do something, and if you don't know what to do, do anything, it will be better for everyone involved and those around you who care.
After all of this, time will heal the heart and the pain that you have felt. The bitterness and anger will slowly dim, but you have once again found yourself you are not existing anymore you have returned to the land of the living. Too many of us are dead merely just existing, coasting along life's highway never asserting ourselves into or upon the world we are content to just be in the world. I tell you this from my heart, it is better to be in the world and part of it, influencing and making change than just sitting back and taking what it throws at us. Please follow your own drum. Be an individual, be a doer, an achiever, you have it all with in you. You are beautiful, courageous, strong, intelligent and above all else you are unique and cannot be replaced by anyone else.
Keep the faith, know that there are others out there that are struggling and going through similar circumstances, you are not alone and will never be alone. Trust in yourself and in your heart. Know that you are blessed and can survive and make the changes you need. Know that I am here for you, I have been where you are at and I have made it through and the processes that I went through have made me a stronger self reliant person and I know what I want and I am going to get it. So can you. I know you can and I have faith in you.
As always I value your thoughts and would love your feedback. Drop me a line or leave me a comment I want to hear from you.
All my hopes,
Uncle B
bryanzepp@gmail.com
There maybe internal pressures that have helped to mold and shape you. You have become so dependant on the one you are with and if they aren't uplifting you and pushing you to excel they might be holding you back. Are they putting you down? Are they actually damaging your self-esteem? Your self-worth? Did you wake up one morning and wonder who you were, who is the person you are with? Have no idea where you are going in your life and you seem stuck? I did and I will tell you once you have lost your self it is very hard to find that person you once were. It is hard to focus on the choices you have in front of you and do you feel that you are not worth anything, you have lost direction and focus and honestly don't know which way to turn.
I have been there, I am with you. What it took for me to get past my past and focus on my future was my best friend looking at me one day and telling me that he didn't know who I was anymore, what happened to the person that he knew and the person who when he set his mind to a task forged ahead and accomplished it no matter what the cost. The person who walked to his own beat and didn't care what others had thought. I had to sit back and reflect because he was right that person was gone, what was there was a scared and broken person who couldn't see his own self worth, a shell of the person he once was. A person who once had direction and purpose in his life was now absent from the picture.
It took me almost two full years and a long journey of self discovery and reflection to rebuild and find myself again. If you haven't been to the place I am talking about then count yourself among the lucky. Many of us find love and relationships but it isn't with the right one. We settle, we get comfortable and we stop living and begin to merely exist. We take the criticism of our partners to heart and we let our pride and individuality mesh into a common mold of what society believes a relationship should be. Here is the thing, no relationship is perfect, no partner is perfect, we are not perfect. A relationship is a growing evolving partnership between two individuals, to build and work together for a common goal or good. The key is a partnership between individuals. We must maintain our individuality within our relationships, we must keep our individual friends, we need to make mutual friends and have a common path that is conducive to both parties involved, but we must maintain a slight distance. A relationship becomes unstable and co-dependent when one of the parties begins to loose themselves in it. They surrender all power to the other individual, and become mired in the we and us dilemma and never reach the goal they had originally started for, they have lost their way. When, that happens it is also very easy to lose your sense of worth, your sense of importance, and you begin to feel worthless and useless and are mired in despair. If you go on like that not only will you be miserable, you will do miserable things and you will begin to resent your partner, you will look for ways to get back at them, you will try and out do them. It then becomes a constant game of who can out do the other. This is defeatist, it is destructive, and it is harmful to all parties that are involved. You become entrenched in a rut and you cannot figure out a way to get out of it.
I cannot tell you what the right way is to end this but I can tell you how it ended for me. It took total separation and then soul-searching and a lot of encouragement from peers and friends to look past and beyond where I had been. It took inner peace and asking for forgiveness, admitting I was to blame, that I allowed myself to get caught in the trap. I also prayed, meditated and studied a lot about myself, I sought out patterns and discovered that all our lives are filled with patterns and that if we do not break and cut from the pattern we are on we are prone to repeat it over and over again. I learned that the person with the power in a relationship is the one that cares the least. Whenever we care what another person thinks, or we let another person influence our decisions, we are giving that person the power over us. We surrender our individuality to them and we become followers instead of leaders. No one should have the power to make you feel bad about your decision, what you are wearing, or what you look like. Show the world who you are let them see your colors. Express yourself in the way you dress, the way you style your hair, the jewelry you wear, the words you speak and write. You are what God created an individual. You need to make partnerships and relationships that work and benefit you. If you truly love yourself you can do it. You don't have to wrap yourself within a relationship to have a purpose. You don't have to be the person who sacrifices everything for another. This is supposed to be a partnership, partnerships are formed for protection, benefit of both parties and for reaching a common goal. A partnership is made up of individuals, that come together with a common background, purpose, or goal and they work together to build something new and extraordinary or to benefit each other or the community at large. Look at Doctors, dentists, surgeons and other professionals that form a type of partnership, they have come together to offer a service, reach a goal or in some way enhance one another by their association.
Is this a hard journey? Yes it is. Is it worth the effort? Yes it is! Can you do it? Yes you can. But you need to take back the power you have given to others around you, you need to reflect and recognize your own value and your own self worth. You are a force of nature, something to be reckoned with, realize you don't have to be held down, there is a way out and you don't have to be a shell of yourself. If your partner or mate cannot see this and recognize it. Then it is time to pack your bags and leave, you must do for yourself and you must love yourself. Don't let your heart become filled with anger and hate. Don't let bitterness take over your life, make a change, do something, and if you don't know what to do, do anything, it will be better for everyone involved and those around you who care.
After all of this, time will heal the heart and the pain that you have felt. The bitterness and anger will slowly dim, but you have once again found yourself you are not existing anymore you have returned to the land of the living. Too many of us are dead merely just existing, coasting along life's highway never asserting ourselves into or upon the world we are content to just be in the world. I tell you this from my heart, it is better to be in the world and part of it, influencing and making change than just sitting back and taking what it throws at us. Please follow your own drum. Be an individual, be a doer, an achiever, you have it all with in you. You are beautiful, courageous, strong, intelligent and above all else you are unique and cannot be replaced by anyone else.
Keep the faith, know that there are others out there that are struggling and going through similar circumstances, you are not alone and will never be alone. Trust in yourself and in your heart. Know that you are blessed and can survive and make the changes you need. Know that I am here for you, I have been where you are at and I have made it through and the processes that I went through have made me a stronger self reliant person and I know what I want and I am going to get it. So can you. I know you can and I have faith in you.
As always I value your thoughts and would love your feedback. Drop me a line or leave me a comment I want to hear from you.
All my hopes,
Uncle B
bryanzepp@gmail.com
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