Act your age not your shoe size

It has been a couple of weeks since I was actually able to write in you. So much stuff has happened in my life that I am truly amazed.  I wanted to write to you tonight to talk to you about acting out, showing off in front of others.  The reason why this topic has come to mind is because one of my nephews showed up with his new girlfriend and wanted to stay at my place.  I knew right from the start that it was going to be a disaster.  Unfortunately I was right.  While they were here they ate everything in the house, and of course a lot of things turned up missing.

Now, anyone that knows me knows that if you ask me for something I will do my best to make sure that you can have it.  Most of the things that were missing, once they had left was mainly electronic stuff, like a cell phone, a  blue tooth watch that would allow me to interact with my cell phone as well as a few other items.  While all of this was going on my best friend from Atlanta was staying with me and already the space was tight.  I have a one bedroom one bath apartment.  So needless to say it was extremely crowded and tensions were already flying high because I was trying to figure out where my stuff was going. To top it off I had started talking to someone that I felt I could make a long lasting relationship with.   Around that time my friend was looking for a place to stay.  He sent me the question in a text message.

Never did I think that I would be in another relationship so soon.  I know that Kerry had been gone for over year, and every once in a while I miss him.  I miss the plans that we had made together, especially the morning walks.  If you have gotten this far in reading this entry, you might be wondering what everything I have talked to you about has to deal with the title.  I am so glad that you asked me that because up until this point I was just filling in the background so that you can understand the journey that I have been on since February.

What does act your age and not your shoe size have to do with anything? I will certainly tell you what I have figured out.  It doesn't matter race or gender or gay or straight, it has to do with stepping up and being responsible and accountable for your actions. Most of the people who know me, know that I hang out with people a lot younger than me and because of that I have a unique insight into why people want to act out, get loud and angry. Or better yet put their hands on a pregnant girl.  I have found that most of the 20 somethings that I hang out with have an attitude and they act like someone owes them something.  Further, they have absolutely no patience whatsoever, they want what they want and they want it now.  Most of them get mad or angry when things don't happen immediately.  I will touch on this subject again in just in a little bit.

Now when I talk about acting your age and not your shoe size is because I have noticed that most of the 20 somethings are still acting like they are still in high school. Most of them don't show any signs of common sense.  Let alone street smarts, meaning that they wouldnt know how to survive if they were thrown out on the street to fend for themselves.  Sometimes you will run across an old soul these are people that dont act their age but a lot older.  I have been fortunate the person that I met acts way older than their age, he is very kind and considerate and when I was deathly ill he took very good care of me.

On the flip side, I have a friend that got a  girl pregnant and he will not step up to the plate and take care of her. The poor girl was working full time until her 8th month when her job told her that she needed to go ahead and start her maternity leave. Still the guy doesnt get it.  He would rather do himself and waste all his money on drugs and stupid stuff instead of getting stuff for the baby which could come at any time now. I have tried talking too him and so has my partner but nothing seems to sink in.

We all can act childish and foolish from time to time,  but there are so many people out there that refuse to take responsibity and own up to the things that they do.  These are the people that I am talking about. Life is one big party for them, and they travel in a certain social circle until they have exhausted every bridge and person they come in contact with.

Life is way too short to just party your life away. I run into people every day that just want to party and waste their life away.  Like I told my friend tonight he was talking about getting some crack and smoking that, and I tried to explain to him how if he starts with that one 10 dollar hit he would be back getting more in just a few minutes later. No matter how much talking I do, I realize that the ultimately only he can make the choice to quit and move on with his life or end up loosing his wife and kid.

I was recently told that the 40s are the new 30s and the new 20s are the 30s if this logic and reasoning is true that would explain a lot in how people act and react.  I have a tendancy to call anyone under thirty a twelve year old.  The reason being is because most of them act exactly like the line describes.  It is unfortunate that a person has to search their whole life to find someone mature enough to date.  which I think is the key to this whole entry.  Maturity level is what this entry is all about.  See some people can be mature enough to go out drinking and partying, but when it comes to responsibilities and errands they lack the motivation as well as the necessary skill set to accomplish the tasks presented to them.

I am never amazed when I see someone in their 20s trying to showboat and make out that they are tougher than they really are.  But here is the thing that i want you to know and be aware of, you are going to have to get through their persona, and see the real person for who they are.  You might just find yourself going through a slew of people till find one that respects and cares for you as much as you care and feel for them.  Whenever you meet a new person you are going to have to take the time to get to know the person, because as you know we all put on our best face when we meet someone new.  You have to be able to get to know the person that is hiding behind the mask that they have on.  This is what I call the honeymoon period, because every one puts their best efforts forward when they first meet someone but over time that mask wears thin and they become more comfortable around you and you begin to see the person that was completely hidden by the mask that they were wearing.

It is after the honeymoon period has come to an end and you are beginning to see the person who has been hiding, when you will discover how mature that person really is.  See during the honeymoon period when the mask is firmly in place it is hard to tell what the person is really like. They are acting and telling you exactly what they think you want to hear.  But once the period ends you will begin to see the person for who and what they are.  As I told you before maturity is the sign post at which you need to guage the person you are seeing. You need to find someone that is compatible with you on and emotional level.  Age is not really a factor when it comes right down to it, because when your spirit talks to another on an emotional and spiritual level you are going to finally feel complete.  Souls talk to souls by the vibrations that they put out. In an earlier entry i talk to you about resonating frequencies and how like frequencies can blend in harmony with each other, and that is exactly what happens when two souls commune with one another.

I can only hope and wish that you find a soul that you resonate with, that the person you find respects you and loves you as much as you love them.  Because I have a time or two found myself loving another more than they loved me and the relationship ended horribly.  Do yourself a favor and get to know the other person, wait for their mask to start to slip because then is when you are actually going to meet the real person for the first time.  You may find that you have a lot in common or you may find yourself wondering why you took the time to get to know the person if it was just going to turn out in heart break.  I have heard so many people say that they dont date friends because they dont want to mess up their friendship.  i say to you that a relationship that is not based on friendship is doomed to failure from the very star.  You need to be patient and take the time to get to know another person, wait for them to remove their mask.

Only you can decide if the person your are talking too is a kindred spirit,  or if they are just a person who you can have a long lasting friendship with.  Every one of us puts on our best face when we meet a new person, and each of us goes through a period where we try to impress the other person, this stage is called the honeymoon stage and after that period ends the person that remains is the real person that you need to get to know.  It is unfortunate, but sometimes it takes getting to know another person several times before you get to the real person, who is behind that mask that they have put on.

Remember that we each need to act our age and not our shoe size, we need to demonstrate through our actions and deeds that we are genuine and sincere.  Age is just a number and really doesnt have a direct bearing on a realtionship but maturity does.  So, if someone is acting immature and doesnt meet up with your personal maturity and comfort level you need to let them go and keep searching because sooner or later you are going to run into that one soul that talks to you on its own level.  Remember that like souls vibrate and oscillate in harmony.

One more thing that you need to keep in mind is that wisdom doesnt necessarily come with age. Wisdom is knowledge that is gained by age and circumstance.  You can be old and not wise, but you can not really be wise without age.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Reflections of the past

Sometimes I sit and ponder the what if's and could have been's  of my life.  I wonder where I would be had I not made some of the choices that I did.  Would I still be working for the State of Georgia, would Joe and I still be together, and would we still have the vending machine business, the house in Snellville and the cabin in Blue Ridge?

These reflections aren't painful now, but were once, I have learned so much from the time I left Florida and moved to Atlanta.  I found out that you can't change your life for another person, because in the long run they aren't going to appreciate it.  They are going to do something foolish and the next thing you know so are you.   Had Joe never started smoking Meth, and me getting involved in the whole thing, my life would have been totally different.

I wouldn't have met some of the people that I have along the way.  I wouldn't have gotten to experience all the different things that life showed me when I was living on Buford highway and again when I moved back to East Point. Nor would the brief stay in Dallas have marred my relationship with Victoria.

See, I know where my life veered off course, and I can see the issues that it caused.  I am no longer sad, because at least I did those things, experienced them and had some fun along the way.  I am sorry that Joe and Victoria got hurt, and that in my cavalier attempt to solve the problems, I found that running away to be the expedient answer.  I am older now and I look back and I see the image of the man I was and the person I am today, and I am a totally different person, living in a totally different world. I am still on the fringes of the old drug infested life, but I feel the change in the wind and I know that I am going to be carried away in a different direction.

I know in my heart that I am not young anymore, that there are limitations to my physical abilities, but they have not changed much in 10 years, so what am I bemoaning about, what is the problem that is holding me steadfast to the past.  Why can't I let the past rest in peace and overcome this obstacle?the answer seems to be me!

It is doubt my friend, doubt keeps you locked in place, freezes your steps and won't let you make a move.  Fear is also a factor, what if I fail and what will happen to me then? These are the troubled thoughts that clog your mind and keep you from action and change.  It is what keeps you in that dark place and keeps the light from clearing it all away.  As I said in my last entry that I have had patches of light in my darkness, but I see clearly that I could move forward if I just let go of the past.  Forget where I have been and let go of the fears that are holding me captive.

I look in the mirror and I see a shadow of the person I used to be. A shell, a caricature.  I used to be a powerhouse, a go-getter.  When I set my mind to a task or wanted something I went out and did it. I had no fear, I was confident and sure in my knowledge and grabbed what I want.  Now, time has caught me, I am older, handicapped, different than I used to be.  I have had the colostomies, I have had so many surgeries and injuries and hospital stays, that I fear I will never find someone who could or would accept me the way I am in the gay community.

I am afraid that I will die alone, a very lonely and painful death. Unloved and not mourned by anyone other than my family and close friends.  See, I know the gay community, I know that they look for the perfect man, they want the washboard abs, the bulging peck muscles, the young stallions, not someone old and frail like me.  So, I keep looking to my past to the ones that have loved me before that know my illness and what I have been through, hoping desperately that one would come back into my life.

Yet, I know that isn't likely to happen. I know that the problems of the past that caused us to break up will most likely still be an issue once more.  So I am in a catch 22 sort of situation. But I am starting to finally come to terms with my life and what it has become. I am starting to finally become comfortable with my body, and the limitations it has.  I think that I may even be ready to take a baby step forward.  We shall see mon a'mi!

Looking backwards into the past will keep you wondering and wandering in the darkness, it will keep you locked into your doubts, and can lead to depression and despair.  Please don't let your fears keep you in place.  Don't be like me and waste so much of your life clinging to the baggage of the past that you forget to live in the moment.

A reflection doesn't always reveal the truth, you have to look closer.  I have said that I see a dim shadow of the man I was. But the secret to all of this is that I still see him, and if I see him, I can still be him.  I just need to get my confidence and courage and move forward.  I have to let go totally of the past and move on.  Was I happy in the past? Oh, definitely at times! Yet, there were times when I was saddened.  Reflections are only 2 dimensional they aren't the total picture.

Don't let your reflection and the face staring back at you hold you in your past. Release it, let it go, live in the moment.  Enjoy the vibrant color and texture of life. See how much more fun and relaxed you will be when you are just living in the moment.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Update...

Well, there it has been quite awhile since I sat down at the computer to write to you guys, and I think it is about high time that I fill you in on some of the things that have been happening in my life.  Since the last time I wrote I have had several more visits to the hospital and a whole lot of stuff has been happening in my life.  Most of which are topics that we are going to once again be topics of discussion here on Uncle B's Corner.

But first off let me tell you that I have been doing a whole series of different treatments and going through various doctors and wow...Miracles do happen.  As some of you are aware I had a whole gambit of illnesses that were holding me down and keeping me in place, but that seems to be a thing of the past.  As of last week I have almost a clean bill of health.  The kidney disease has totally been eradicated and there seems to be no permanent damage to my kidneys.  My body has been fighting off the Hep C virus and keeping it in check and I can report no major liver damage and treatments for that will begin in Mid December.  The leukemia is being treated currently and I am having positive results with that treatment and it seems like I will be in remission before you know it.

As for everything else that was wrong with me, it seems that God has seen fit for total recover and healing.  I am doing very well, a bout of bronchitis is the only thing that I am really dealing with. I can only say that prayer, faith and positive thinking have done wonders for me.  Plus drinking lots of water and modifying my diet a little bit have also helped.  I also think that going back to work has had a lot to do with motivating me  and keeping me focused.  Now it is time to get back to you my readers and my fans.  Recently, I stepped down from working full time to part time again so that I could get back on track with my writing and my aspirations.  So here I am once again at the computer keyboard getting ready to talk to you about important things that may or may not help you in your daily life.

It has been one heck of a year. Full of surprises, disappointments, hurts, and resounding victories.  I can tell you that you will be hearing a great deal from me in the coming weeks and months as the rest of 2013 dwindles away.  Some of you are saying it is about time and you are very correct on that.  I have been away from what I love for far too long.

So, here I am with a renewed spirit, attitude and hope for the rest of the year and for what is coming.  So please come back often and read about what has been happening and what I have learned over the past year.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Advice to a friend

What I would like for you to take away from this is that everyone is struggling these days, there isn't a whole lot of money to go around and we have to make smart educated choices so that we can make the most out of the money we do have at our disposal.  My friend's father sent her an email the other day when she asked him for help with money and bills.  Here is the letter that he wrote to her and my response. I would like to see what you think of the advice both her father and I gave her.

This is his response to her:  Dear, these are the options that I would recommend because you can not come up to Temecula and live there either. The job situation is the same there as it is in San Diego County... Nothing different. You got a financial situation and you want to go to school in the spring... You still living somewhere and you have no money to pay.. That is the first problem you have. You want someone to give you money for food. Well you will get money but for a ticket to fly back to Atlanta so you can regroup and go to school down there. You will have a place to live there and plenty of food to eat there. Now that is the first option. Second option you can join the Airforce, Navy or Coast Guard for 4 years of active duty, pay your debts off, travel the world and have money for school, VA loan for a house and plenty of time to figure out what you need to do to make a life for yourself. Since you do not have the skills right now to get a good job and even if you do get a job it will be a dead end for you because what technical skills do you have to offer a company.... Lets get real... Now that is your second option. We give you money it will be for you to go to Atlanta and not just for food for you to eat... That is not helping you at all. You just sitting around waiting for something to happen is not going to cut it... email me your address and let me know when you are ready to go back home. Now you are beginning to realize that you can not live off other people and you certainly can not live anywhere for free. Your choice... Your life... But these are your options right now... As you get more experiences in the workforce then your options will change but for now you need to take my advice and regroup before things get too bad... I am not telling you to give up but what I am telling you is that you are not a resident of California and you can do better in Georgia going to school and getting more benefit from there... Sorry but I got to do it this way... You are grown and now you got to receive it like I give it too you... THis is what happens to children that don't want to listen to anyone... And make plans that are not realistic....My email is ............. You let me know what you decide....But you got to make moves soon...With Love Daddy..


After reading the email I wrote this in response: Hey there Honey, I read what your dad wrote and I understand your concern. You need to think about this from outside of the box. I know you have been reading my blog. You have to divorce your feelings of disappointment from the situation as well as your own pride and anger...A change of perspective is what you need.

Please keep in mind that what your Dad said was given out of pure love and total honesty. I know that what he said hurts and makes you want to dig in harder to just prove him wrong. But on the off chance that he is right are you prepared to face the consequences?

You have to keep in mind that every choice or action we choose that there is a direct and dire reward/consequence we have to accept for them. Now, your father gave you two options but there are actually quite a bit more that might be open too you depending on the situation. There is one thing that will change depending on staying in Cali or returning to GA, which is residency. This is a major thing as far as school is concerned. If you were to go back to GA you could enroll and start school without any waiting, you can take out the maximum amount of financial aid each semester and have enough money for books and tuition plus living expenses. You would also qualify for either student housing on or off campus at a much reduced price to accommodate the amount you would get in financial aid. I am only putting this out there because I know what you are trying to accomplish you and I have talked about this. (Remember I was the Financial Aid Director at American InterContinental University in Atlanta for several years).

If you stay in Cali you have to wait till you become a resident to qualify for instate tuition and the extra tacked on for being an out of state transfer student would eat up any of the extra funding you would get for housing. In Atlanta you wouldn't have that extra tacked on. The second option that your father gave you was the Military any branch of service. Now it is true that you would have to complete your basic training (boot camp) and your first series of schools before being sent to your duty station. However, that is education that is worth something to you. For several reasons and let me explain why....not only will it give you job skills that you can and will use in the course of your military career, it also will give you real world practical experience and will help you when you get out and are looking for work. But the other side of that coin is all military training is worth college credit hours too you and can be applied to any school that you want them too. You only have to wait a total of 9 months (approximately some training is more and some less in the military) before you are sent to your first duty station. Once you are assigned a duty station and have reported. You will probably need to take a bit of time and get used to your duty schedule and rotation. Once you have that under your belt and know when and what you are going to be doing. You can apply to a College in the area in which you are stationed. You can apply your military work toward college credit and be that much further ahead in your degree work, it also primes you for going into the Officer Candidacy program...more pay, better benefits and choice duty stations while you are in the military. Just because you do one thing doesn't mean you can't do both at the same time.

Now here are some other things to consider. You just graduated High School in June right? You haven't been out of school that long, you have accomplished a lot. You have gotten yourself all the way to California, got a place to stay and are doing okay for yourself. Money is tight an you are struggling, and are having a problem finding jobs. Am I correct in those assumptions so far?
Consider this you are a young black female that is on hard times, there is public assistance out there that you qualify for. You can get foodstamps, because you have no income! You can also qualify for section 8 housing because you are also unemployed. You need to check with the Department of Labor, I am sure that they have a One-Stop resource and career center near you. Being fresh out of high school you qualify for services there...they can help you with resume writing, interviewing techniques, and possibly computer training such as Office essentials (word, power point, excel, outlook and sharepoint) This type of training will help you get placement in an office type setting and bring you some income and it will also increase your skills set and open a whole new realm of job opportunities. Take some typing tests and increase your typing skills and get a job as a secretary or receptionist.

2 other possibilities remain, now keep in mind any of the things that I am writing to you about can happen in GA or CA it doesn't matter you qualify for the help. You can also check out JobCorp, a lot of people think they only help with High School and practical training. JobCorp also has college type of campuses so you can check them out. You can also check out the Vocational Rehabilitation program and see if you qualify. You may not because you haven't been out of work for a year, but you never know till you try. The other thing that you need to check into is working for some temporary agencies. I am sure that you can find a good job with one of those. I know I did when I first started out. I got so good at typing I can type 65 words a minute on a good keyboard. I know Microsoft office products like the back of my hand and a whole bunch of other stuff...i just went into a temporary agency applied and kept taking their tests till I was good enough to pass them and before you know it I was making 10 to 15 dollars an hour.

I am not telling you to give up your hopes and dreams. I am not telling you that you should go back to GA. I want you to make that decision on your own. But I also want you to be honest with yourself and try like I have told you to change your perspective and look at the situation from every possible angle with logic and not emotion. I want you to realize that what your daddy said was done out of love and concern for you and your welfare and not out of a genuine desire to not help you. He wants to set you up for success and keep you from failing. If you stay in CA you maybe just setting yourself up for failure because before you have even started anything, job, school or anything else you are already burdened down with debt...That can truly keep you behind the 8 ball and keep you from succeeding. Once you fall behind you stay behind, retreating and regrouping is a common strategy used by the military and it works. It gives you the resources close at hand to journey back out and attack with full force. You can only attack with half force if you are divided by financial concerns. Just keep that in mind.

Whatever way you decide to go there are many more options than the ones presented here, you just have to change your perception and perspective enough to see all the different possibilities. Because there are an infinite number, you just have to see them to be able to make an informed choice. Because you don't want to pay for a bad choice later.

I would like to put this in my blog for today if you don't mind. I would like to use what your dad wrote to you from your post and my response to you if you wouldn't mind. Let me know please! I think what you are going through a lot of other young people are also struggling with and this could help them to look at their situation and make informed choices.

Each of us makes decisions and choices in our lives, and we have to live with the consequences of them.  Sometimes it is hard for younger people to understand that, they haven't experienced enough of life yet. But as I keep telling everyone, there are more solutions than just two.  For every problem there is an infinite number of solutions and that makes for a lot of different possibilities.  We have to be able to make rational and realistic evaluations of the problem to come up with workable solutions.  I talked to my friend today and she has decided to take a combination of what her dad and I advised her to do and came up with a really workable solution and a sound plan of action which should work out very well for her.

All it takes is looking at the problem from all different angles, change that perception and perspective and see it for what it really is.

Here is what she decided to do: No a matter of fact now that I think about it I'm going to do all three...go to Savannah state to build up my college credits then transfer if into the military ..Then get a job down there and save up my money as well for back up and emergencies

I think that this new plan that she came up with will work for her and her needs.

I hope you all take a really good look at this and understand that education is very important and you need to do whatever you can to get in there and do it.  You will be so much better off in the long run if you just do it. Because believe it or not everyone is looking for college graduates these days, it is very hard to get a job without a good solid education.  Here is a girl that just graduated high school last June and has worked to save up money to move to California to pursue her dream.  She didn't figure how tight the job market was going to be and how tough it was for her to get a job out there.  But all in all you have to admire her faith and dedication to herself and her learning.  Here is someone that has their priorities straight and will be going somewhere in the near future.  As I told her she cannot look at this as a defeat or failure, sometimes the best strategy is to regroup and come at it from a different way.  Which she has decided to do.  Never cut yourself off from your resources, don't burn your bridges and keep open lines of communication so that your support network is firmly in place.  She did all of these things correctly but just didn't make it. That doesn't mean it was wasted effort or that she failed because in my eyes, she could never fail. She took a leap of faith and did something that most people would never do, moved across the country to a place where she really had no one and nothing and still made it work has been out there for almost a year and did it all on her own.

I am very proud of you Girl, keep up the good work, and know that I am here for you always if you need me.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B