Under the weather

HiSometimes you just don't feel well no matter what you do. In the past two months I have spent quite a bit of time in the hospital and even today I am feeling like I should probably be back in the hospital. I cannot swallow food it all seems to get stuck in my throat and I can't seem to swallow anything.

On top of all of this I have an intestinal blockage and I am I am great deal of pain. I just don't know how long I can go o feeling like this all the time. I just know that the journey that I am on it has just begun. If I can't eat or process food fully then maybe there will be that the doctors can do to ease what I am going through.

It is so hard everyday struggling to eat and feel better about myself when all I feel is pain. Nothing goes down easy and even if it does, it doesn't process properly and gets stuck in my bowel track.  I hope that this situation is short lived and I can move on from there.

I will be finding out if I have cancer once again in the next day or two. I will also be calling about the back brace that the VA is supposed to be having made for me which should help with some of the pain. Anyhow, I will let you know as things progress further.

Just know that right now I am in between places to live and staying in an extended stay hotel in Daytona, hoping that something in my situation will change.  Each day is a struggle there are forces in my life that are pulling me down. I have no idea where to turn at this point.

I guess it is time, I was hoping that something else would change but the current course that things have been going I have to make a decision about my future. For too long I have let everything and everyone go. I am scared of tomorrow but honestly over the past few months I have been trying to make a positive change in my life and yet everything seems to be working against me.

Well, I have this weekend to really evaluate my situation both personal and living. From here it is one hard decision after another. What I do know is that no matter what choices I make are going to have far reaching effects. Not only are they going affect my life but those around me.   I don't know where the future is going to lead but I do know that tomorrow is unwritten and will unfold as fate and destiny have planned.

All I know is that I wish that I had my health and stamina. But of course things never really go as we as mortal humans plan.

As always you are in my hopes and dreams.

Uncle B

Health update

Yesterday I met with Dr. Clincea at the Orlando Outpatient Clinic in Orlando. We discussed my test results that I took earlier in the month and the results were amazing.  Not only have I increased my weight drastically went from 111 pounds in February to 148.6.  That is great news I was so underweight in February that all my healthcare providers were clearly concerned.

My viral load is still undetectable and my t cells are now close to 500 which is great news considering that I suffered from severe dehydration just a few months before and was unable to take my medication.  This shows my infectious disease team that my body is holding its own and fighting the disease at the cellular level.  Further, my kidney functions have started to improve and I have been moved from chronic kidney disease stage 4 to stage 3, as well as no detectable copies of Hep C in my system as well.

All in all the visit to Orlando was a welcome and pleasant change to my health situation.  However, this is just the beginning of a very long journey about my spine and the damage done by the osteomilitis that I was exposed to last year.  I was told when I was finally released from Carlton shores rehabilitation center that I had severe micro fractures along my t5 to t10 vertebrae.  See on the 1st of June I was involved in a serious car accident and my back, neck, arm and chest were affected by the accident.

I will know more later on in the month as the MRI's are finished and the extent of the damage is assessed by a Neurologist and a Neurosurgeon.

I will keep you informed as more information comes available.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Sleepless night

I am attempting to write this with my cell phone so please bear(IDK) with me.  A lot has been going on in my life and some major changes are in the works.  Back in February I did some foolish things and ended up getting really sick for a little while. Luckily I had met someone who would turn out to be not only a good friend, but a person I can depend on and learn from.

Please understand and for those of you who have been reading my blog faithfully will know this already about me.  I have a great deal of book smarts, but in the world that only gets you so far.  For 40 plus years I have been ruled by my heart and my emotions.  I tried to please everyone, and I wanted to save every soul that was in need.  For the most part I was able to live that way because I had partners that  either didn't understand or really didn't care.

Over the years I was able to help a lot of people. Some of which are greatful and are successful today because of the help that I gave them others took what they could and went back to their old ways.  Of course, I am saddened by their decision, but in the end it was what they decided to make of it.  Now, there was a certain set of criterea that I followed, I wanted to the help those that were doing something to help themselves, most of the time they either had to have a job or were in school.  We would set milestones and goals that were realistic and attainable.  It worked out for the most part, yet I was pulled in many different directions and it seemed like I was always stepping out on a limb for someone.  I took time to help everyone else, but I never stopped to take care of myself.  I have been characterized by my grandmother and Angel on Earth and for quite a few people I have been.  To others I was just a means to an end, someone that was foolish enough to believe what they were selling and pretty much getting taken advantage of.

Do you know why I started this blog and what it's purpose was suppose to be? I started this blog in 2012 when I was really sick and had to have multiple bowel surgeries and then I broke my leg and I was laid up in bed for nearly 8 full months.  So as a way of trying to continue to help people I put my life out there for the world to see, all the good the bad, the ugly and the unvarnished truth.  Some people hated how much of my life I shared with you, others took solace knowing that there was someone out there that was going through or had gone through something similiar to their own situation.  So for several years now I have been chronicallying my life, but I have been giving real examples of how to overcome adversity, deal with health issues, disabilities, limitations, and most of all how to change your perspective and look at a situation objectively from all different angles.

I am proud that I have been able to help and reach so many people with my blog, and that my life and crisises that I have been through and endured have been an inspiration to many and have seen some of you through some really dark times.  I thank you for all the emails and letters that I have recieved and the encouragement that some of you have given me.  You cannot understand the overwhelming feeling I get when someone writes too me and tells me how my entry that day seemed to be speaking right too them and that it was written just so they could understand it perfectly.  But here is the secret I write to purge my soul of a thought or situation that has been bothering me, but it is God that is speaking through my word or better yet those are the words that God allowed my hands to write and maybe it was written just for you or maybe it was written  because that message needed to go out.  Whatever the reason I write what I feel and about what is on my mind or what I am going through.

Here we are again, rambling along and you are probably wondering what I was trying to say.  So, I guess I better get back on track and try to tie these threads of thought together so that you see clearly the picture I was trying to get too from the beginning.  Let me jump in right here, I was talking about book smarts, and was heading towards the fact that I have just a little street smarts, but common sense I either lack totally or I have become so used to letting my feelings and heart over rule it that it doesn't exist and I get myself into situation after situation, problem after problem, and I am still running trying to save everyone and guess what I have once again forgotten about myself, my needs, my wants and my desires.  But, as I have been telling you 2015 is a year of change and change has come to me and it started in February like I told you at the begining, it is all because of one person.  He is very shy and doesn't like to be mentioned or talked about, and absolutely hates talking about his feelings.  What I can say is this, he has taken some sort of interest in me and saw how quite a few people were taking advantage of me.  They were abusing me with their words and deeds and I was just oblivious too it.  Now here is the part that blows my mind he is half my age and then some, and here I am learning from him.

Now up until this point it has always been very difficult for me to say "NO" and when I have been backed into a corner and pressured I would cave in.  Well, I have finally 2 people in my life who constantly remind me that it is okay to say NO and mean it.  It is okay to want and do stuff for myself and that I owe no one and explanation for my decision.  All that needs to be expressed is the decision and that is all.  Boy it is hard for me, and a HUGE, GREAT, TITANIC change in my lifestyle that it is taking everyone by surprise, and yet those that matter like family and true friends are finally saying it is about damn time.

So bringing all the threads of this conversation together the purpose of this blog was to reach out and help people just like myself that were going through things and giving them real world answers and solutions.  I have used my life and my story as examples.  This is how I am going to save people now, this is how i am going to help others.  Why am I telling you all of this? Well some of you are used to asking directly for help or money, or it could be a ride that you need or a slew of other things.  But change is upon us! I know I have said it before, however this time you better believe I am sincere and this is taking place for real "Captain Save a Ho " is dead.  I cannot come to your rescue because you made a bad choice, I am not going to reach out and save you everytime you screw up and make everything alright.  I have done all of that for years and all it did was enable you to continue doing the things you are doing and putting myself into a routine and pattern that was just taken granted of.

If you need something or want me to do something for you, you need to come out and ask me.  Stop assuming that I am just going to be there or that I am going to.  I don't like feeling like I am expected to do something for you, because the truth is I am just doing you a favor, and you better understand that and respect it.  No more demands, I am taking my time, engergy and most of the time gas to help you out.  Understand that and be gracious.

Always remember this "LACK OF PLANNING ON YOUR PART DOES NOT CONSTITUTE AN EMERGENCY ON MY PART"

I have a set of criteria that I am measuring all my friends too and if they don't measure up I am cutting them loose, becasue they are just holding me back.  See if you think my criteria is on point :   A true friend is someone that puts your best interest up front, who isn't afraid to tell you the truth, whether you want to hear it or not.  Is a person that will defend you and stand up for your when you are not around.  Is a person that has your back even when you mess things up royally. Who nurses you when you are sick. Helps you put the peices of your life back together when you are devestated.  They lift you up when you are down. They will listen and offer their advice and their opinion.  Learn to consider both.

As always, my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Act your age not your shoe size

It has been a couple of weeks since I was actually able to write in you. So much stuff has happened in my life that I am truly amazed.  I wanted to write to you tonight to talk to you about acting out, showing off in front of others.  The reason why this topic has come to mind is because one of my nephews showed up with his new girlfriend and wanted to stay at my place.  I knew right from the start that it was going to be a disaster.  Unfortunately I was right.  While they were here they ate everything in the house, and of course a lot of things turned up missing.

Now, anyone that knows me knows that if you ask me for something I will do my best to make sure that you can have it.  Most of the things that were missing, once they had left was mainly electronic stuff, like a cell phone, a  blue tooth watch that would allow me to interact with my cell phone as well as a few other items.  While all of this was going on my best friend from Atlanta was staying with me and already the space was tight.  I have a one bedroom one bath apartment.  So needless to say it was extremely crowded and tensions were already flying high because I was trying to figure out where my stuff was going. To top it off I had started talking to someone that I felt I could make a long lasting relationship with.   Around that time my friend was looking for a place to stay.  He sent me the question in a text message.

Never did I think that I would be in another relationship so soon.  I know that Kerry had been gone for over year, and every once in a while I miss him.  I miss the plans that we had made together, especially the morning walks.  If you have gotten this far in reading this entry, you might be wondering what everything I have talked to you about has to deal with the title.  I am so glad that you asked me that because up until this point I was just filling in the background so that you can understand the journey that I have been on since February.

What does act your age and not your shoe size have to do with anything? I will certainly tell you what I have figured out.  It doesn't matter race or gender or gay or straight, it has to do with stepping up and being responsible and accountable for your actions. Most of the people who know me, know that I hang out with people a lot younger than me and because of that I have a unique insight into why people want to act out, get loud and angry. Or better yet put their hands on a pregnant girl.  I have found that most of the 20 somethings that I hang out with have an attitude and they act like someone owes them something.  Further, they have absolutely no patience whatsoever, they want what they want and they want it now.  Most of them get mad or angry when things don't happen immediately.  I will touch on this subject again in just in a little bit.

Now when I talk about acting your age and not your shoe size is because I have noticed that most of the 20 somethings are still acting like they are still in high school. Most of them don't show any signs of common sense.  Let alone street smarts, meaning that they wouldnt know how to survive if they were thrown out on the street to fend for themselves.  Sometimes you will run across an old soul these are people that dont act their age but a lot older.  I have been fortunate the person that I met acts way older than their age, he is very kind and considerate and when I was deathly ill he took very good care of me.

On the flip side, I have a friend that got a  girl pregnant and he will not step up to the plate and take care of her. The poor girl was working full time until her 8th month when her job told her that she needed to go ahead and start her maternity leave. Still the guy doesnt get it.  He would rather do himself and waste all his money on drugs and stupid stuff instead of getting stuff for the baby which could come at any time now. I have tried talking too him and so has my partner but nothing seems to sink in.

We all can act childish and foolish from time to time,  but there are so many people out there that refuse to take responsibity and own up to the things that they do.  These are the people that I am talking about. Life is one big party for them, and they travel in a certain social circle until they have exhausted every bridge and person they come in contact with.

Life is way too short to just party your life away. I run into people every day that just want to party and waste their life away.  Like I told my friend tonight he was talking about getting some crack and smoking that, and I tried to explain to him how if he starts with that one 10 dollar hit he would be back getting more in just a few minutes later. No matter how much talking I do, I realize that the ultimately only he can make the choice to quit and move on with his life or end up loosing his wife and kid.

I was recently told that the 40s are the new 30s and the new 20s are the 30s if this logic and reasoning is true that would explain a lot in how people act and react.  I have a tendancy to call anyone under thirty a twelve year old.  The reason being is because most of them act exactly like the line describes.  It is unfortunate that a person has to search their whole life to find someone mature enough to date.  which I think is the key to this whole entry.  Maturity level is what this entry is all about.  See some people can be mature enough to go out drinking and partying, but when it comes to responsibilities and errands they lack the motivation as well as the necessary skill set to accomplish the tasks presented to them.

I am never amazed when I see someone in their 20s trying to showboat and make out that they are tougher than they really are.  But here is the thing that i want you to know and be aware of, you are going to have to get through their persona, and see the real person for who they are.  You might just find yourself going through a slew of people till find one that respects and cares for you as much as you care and feel for them.  Whenever you meet a new person you are going to have to take the time to get to know the person, because as you know we all put on our best face when we meet someone new.  You have to be able to get to know the person that is hiding behind the mask that they have on.  This is what I call the honeymoon period, because every one puts their best efforts forward when they first meet someone but over time that mask wears thin and they become more comfortable around you and you begin to see the person that was completely hidden by the mask that they were wearing.

It is after the honeymoon period has come to an end and you are beginning to see the person who has been hiding, when you will discover how mature that person really is.  See during the honeymoon period when the mask is firmly in place it is hard to tell what the person is really like. They are acting and telling you exactly what they think you want to hear.  But once the period ends you will begin to see the person for who and what they are.  As I told you before maturity is the sign post at which you need to guage the person you are seeing. You need to find someone that is compatible with you on and emotional level.  Age is not really a factor when it comes right down to it, because when your spirit talks to another on an emotional and spiritual level you are going to finally feel complete.  Souls talk to souls by the vibrations that they put out. In an earlier entry i talk to you about resonating frequencies and how like frequencies can blend in harmony with each other, and that is exactly what happens when two souls commune with one another.

I can only hope and wish that you find a soul that you resonate with, that the person you find respects you and loves you as much as you love them.  Because I have a time or two found myself loving another more than they loved me and the relationship ended horribly.  Do yourself a favor and get to know the other person, wait for their mask to start to slip because then is when you are actually going to meet the real person for the first time.  You may find that you have a lot in common or you may find yourself wondering why you took the time to get to know the person if it was just going to turn out in heart break.  I have heard so many people say that they dont date friends because they dont want to mess up their friendship.  i say to you that a relationship that is not based on friendship is doomed to failure from the very star.  You need to be patient and take the time to get to know another person, wait for them to remove their mask.

Only you can decide if the person your are talking too is a kindred spirit,  or if they are just a person who you can have a long lasting friendship with.  Every one of us puts on our best face when we meet a new person, and each of us goes through a period where we try to impress the other person, this stage is called the honeymoon stage and after that period ends the person that remains is the real person that you need to get to know.  It is unfortunate, but sometimes it takes getting to know another person several times before you get to the real person, who is behind that mask that they have put on.

Remember that we each need to act our age and not our shoe size, we need to demonstrate through our actions and deeds that we are genuine and sincere.  Age is just a number and really doesnt have a direct bearing on a realtionship but maturity does.  So, if someone is acting immature and doesnt meet up with your personal maturity and comfort level you need to let them go and keep searching because sooner or later you are going to run into that one soul that talks to you on its own level.  Remember that like souls vibrate and oscillate in harmony.

One more thing that you need to keep in mind is that wisdom doesnt necessarily come with age. Wisdom is knowledge that is gained by age and circumstance.  You can be old and not wise, but you can not really be wise without age.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

what is it too you?

I have been told that I should not share my life with you.  That I should edit what I put online, but here is the simple truth.  I am an open book, I have nothing to fear or hide. I want the world to know me. I have been through so much that I feel that I must share it with you.  I have been writing in this blog since 2012 and I have used my life as examples throughout.  I have found that people respond to what I have been through and can use my experiences to enrich their own life and walk their own journey.  It is my desire that one person find comfort, solace, help or even companionship in my writing.  I don't understand why some people want to limit what I have to say.  I guess it is because I tend to shed light on things that they wish to keep hidden.  But, see I write whatever I feel is needed at the time it is needed.  

You don't know how many times I receive emails telling me that my words or adventure has hit home for them, that they have found comfort in my words, or have found a way around a specific problem just because whatever I had written spoke directly too them.  Now, for the record I must confess that when I sit down to write, it isn't always my words that I find on the page or on the screen.  What do I mean by that, well sometimes I don't even remember writing what I am reading off the screen.  It is as if someone else had written the words, and I was just the person who sat down and typed them out.

Now if you follow my Facebook page, you will find that what I am about to talk to you about is something that I found out from my doctors yesterday.  One of the many reasons I write to you and tell you what is going on in my life, is because I don't have that many friends here in Daytona, and I pretty much have no one to talk to about what is happening in my life and what I am going through.  Most of the time when I sit down to write it is to purge my system and just get it out.  Once I start to let everything out on the screen I start to feel better about myself and everything else just seems to fall into place.  I don't know if you can follow what I am trying to say, so I will break it down just a little farther.  See because I really don't have anyone to talk to about my problems, issues, and adventures, I have found that writing them out and talking to you my readers is just like having a close personal friend that I can talk to.  You would be surprised at how many times, I have found the answer I was seeking while I was sitting down writing to you all.  

Some of you know me really well, others maybe not.  Those that know me will tell you that I am a very social person. I hate to be alone, and I love to talk to others, and if I don't have that outlet I start to go crazy.  So without having someone here in Daytona that I can really talk to about everything that is happening in my life I turn to my blog and put it all out there.  Once I do that I start feeling better, it is like a great big weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, and I can finally go on.  This is very important too me, because for so many years I kept everything bottled up inside of me, and when I did let those feelings out it was like a volcanic eruption and it was usually at the wrong person.  So instead of doing that anymore, I have learned that I can purge my feelings and soul by writing out what I am going through and it is just like having a friend close by that I can talk to.

Now with that being said, I want to go a little bit more in depth about what the doctors told me yesterday and why it has me so scared and upset.  But before I do, let me tell you that I have tried to reach out to others, left text messages and called and never got a response so it is time for me to let it all out and maybe someone who reads this will pick up the phone, or drop me a line and of course a dialog will begin and I may feel even better about my situation.  

Yesterday, I went to Orlando to see my infectious disease doctor, and of course the news was not exactly what I wanted to hear.  Now just for the record, no doctor ever tells me something that I want to hear, it is always this negative stuff, and too me it seems like they have given up on me and have already written me off as dead.  But, let me tell you if that is what they are thinking they are in for a rude surprise when I am still here years after they thought I would be gone.  So here we go, a purge is about to begin, so if you don't want to hear what is going on in my life at the moment then I encourage you to leave right now. Stop reading what I am writing and log off of my blog, because I am about to tell you everything the doctors told me yesterday, and why I am so scared of what I have found out.

See most of you know that over the summer and fall I was attacked by a vicious bacterial infection called osteomilitis.  This is a bacterial infection that attacks bones and bone marrow.  It can attack the human body anywhere there is bone. I spent 4 months in a nursing home and 2 months in the hospital.  Very painful, and not any fun at all.  Anyway, I have digressed a little bit, I want to tell you the exact words from my ID physician.  He told me that the MRI that I had done on February 4th showed advanced progression of the bacterial infection and that I would have to go back into a skilled nursing facility to closely monitor the antibiotics that I would have to take.  I was also told that the time that I spent in intensive care back in February had caused some serious complications with my kidneys as well as my liver an it looked like I would have to go through Hep C treatments all over again.  Which is a big concern for myself, because exactly a year ago, I had an aneurysm due to the fact that the Hep C treatment had weakened the vein to my liver and it ruptured on me and I almost bled to death.

So, as you can tell I have some things on my plate that have made me a bit nervous.  But, let me tell you something else that I have become acutely aware of is that by the grace of God and all the many people that are out there praying for me I have been healed and I am closer today in my walk with God then I have ever been before, and I will let nothing and no one weaken that bond that I have finally developed.  I can also tell you that when I thought things were the darkest and I felt like I was going to have to face all of this on my own, my phone rang, and I heard a voice from my past.  It was my best friend, and someone that I love with all my heart.  He told me that he was in trouble and that he was here in Florida and he need my help. I got to speak to him once again tonight and because of our conversation I feel stronger and more sure of myself.  I know that I can do this. I can face this demon head on and with the Might of Jesus and the support of my friends and family I am going to survive this.

Just the other night a really close friend of mine told me that he saw God within me and knew that I had a ministry and a mission to fulfill and because of that he knew that I was not going anywhere and that I would beat this malady that has afflicted my body.  I know that at times, with the pain, and anguish that I face my faith sometimes falters, but only for  a minute. I don't let nothing and no one hold me down and make me sad for long.  I stay positive and focused and that is the way that God meant for us to tackle our problems.  Remember that God helps those that help themselves, and if we let our light shine for Jesus we will never be forsaken or forgotten.  

I have catered to people all my life, I have tried extremely hard to please everyone, I have also tried to rescue every lost soul that I could find and sometimes to the point of hurting myself.  I have to tell you that over the past year I have learned that I cannot be like that anymore. I have to do for myself. I have to stand on my own, and I have to fight, because as I found out the hard way, when things get tough around you, you will be standing there and fighting all alone. No one is going to defend you or have your back unless you are very lucky to find your soul-mate.  Just the other day I told you guys that I thought that I had given up on love, but here I was putting my heart back out there and I am willing to try again.  There has got to be someone out there for me. Someone that wants and needs me as much as I need them.  I will remain strong in my faith and I know that Jesus is going to deliver me through these times of trial and I will be victorious and I will not have to face this all by myself that He has someone out there for me that is willing to stand by my side and will keep me fighting and keep  my head up and my confidence high.  I know this as sure as I am sitting here talking to you.

God will not forsake me in my hour of need, He will not leave me hanging and defenseless.  He is not that kind of God and the closer I walk with Him the more of His divine plan I see, and I know that there is someone just around the corner, just out of sight and reach at this particular moment, but the time is moving faster now and I know that before I wait too much longer the person he has for me will be here and I will not be alone anymore.  I have no more doubts, and my fears are laid to the side because as I approach this new year I feel and sense that change is in the air for me and those around me.  Life is precious and it is a great gift that God has bestowed upon us and we must maintain it and claim it in His name.

Like I said earlier I have done for others to the exclusion of myself and I will not and cannot do it anymore.  So for those of you who are my detractors, those haters that have something against me, or want something from me that I am not ready or willing to give, trust me when I tell you to shove off and move on there is nothing here for you anymore.  See my life has become more intense and I have a network of friends now that are supportive and will stand with me as I face the coming days.  So what is it too you what I write about?  What I disclose on Facebook or in my blog?  You have no claim on me, you can't tell me what to do. If I am hurting you in some way, I am sorry but I have got to be the person God made me and wants me to be.  I am a book that needs to be read, there are strong and powerful lessons to be learned from me and my example, and because I won't listen to you, you want to tell me to stop putting my life out on social media. well screw you! Who do you think you are?  You certainly don't think that I am going to stop just because you said I needed to, do you?  

If you can't abide by my decisions, and you don't like how I put myself out there, then I guess if you don't want your business told on your interactions with me  you need to move on.  Because there is nothing hidden in my life, and if you want your participation hidden then I suggest you don't participate with me, because I  am telling you anything that happens in my life is going to be shared with my readers.  This is what they are here for. They want to learn from my mistakes and they like the way I write, therefore I am sorry, I am not going to change for you!

All my life I have dealt with people like you wanting to control me for your own gain, to use me and what I can do for you.  But honey it is too late and I have been about used up.  I am moving on so should you.  I haven't got anything left for you. There are always going to be haters out there and they will always try to pull you down, they can't stand to see you happy or you succeeding but too bad I am not up for grabs, I have my eye set on a prize and I think I am going to claim it and make it mine finally. Personally I have waited a long time for a specific person and if they still aren't ready now, I am willing to wait some more.  

I hope you can understand what I am saying, where I am coming from and the direction I am heading there is no room this time for others to hang on and drag at me. I am free, and I am going to fly, and when I do, I am going to do it with or without your support.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Not being able to sleep a lot on my mind

Sorry I haven't written much this week. I am still overwhelmed by what has been happening in my life.  At least part of it has been sort of resolved, my bf is back home finally.  He was gone for a minute and it was a lot to deal with especially with what has been happening with my mother.  Apparently around September 6 my mother was admitted to the hospital. She was having severe pain in her back and down her legs.  As of the 7th she couldn't walk at all, something was pushing on her spinal cord and her legs wouldn't respond.

She is a strong woman but this has really gotten too her, she stayed in the hospital for a week and was transferred to a nursing home and has been there till Friday when they transported her to another hospital an hour away from where she lives.  They have found a tumor on her spine and an abnormal growth. Right now I am not sure what any of this means.  But she is telling me that she may never be able to have surgery or be strong enough with her many other problems to survive the chemotherapy and other treatments they are wanting to give her.

While my bf was gone I spent a lot of money trying to keep in contact with him that I am not sure I have funds to drop everything I am doing and go up there, however, I feel just plain awful about that.  I feel she needs me and I should be there, but there is so much on my plate right now. I am trying to start my own treatments and get the liver biopsy done, as well as handle other personal matters, that keep me running across the state and the country.

One of my best friends called me yesterday and wants me to come and help him move, this is right before I am supposed to go out of town with Kerry.  I have tried to talk to my dad about what is going on and how I am feeling overwhelmed and like I am drowning with everything that is happening.  He just told me that I can't save the whole world and I have to do what I have to do to survive and everyone else must fend for themselves.

For those of you that know me this is a hard pill for me to swallow, however, yesterday has been very strenuous for me, because once again I felt abandoned and left alone.  I have no one to lean on or confide in.  I don't understand why I have to be the strong one that everyone depends upon.  When will I have someone that I can lean on and depend on?  I thought that I had that but every time something comes up in my life that is hard or devastating I seem to be sitting in the room all alone.  What a feeling!!

So here I sit at 3:23 in the morning writing in my blog because I have no one to talk to about the things going on in my life.  It seems like I have nothing and no one and I have to stand alone and face all of it by myself.  Again what a feeling!  It shouldn't be this way, I am in a relationship, why isn't he here for me to talk to and cry on his shoulder?  Good question! And one that I don't have the answer too.

I have been sitting around all day with all sorts of thoughts going through my head, not knowing what is actually going on anywhere.  The only one filling me in on my mother is her best friend and she is trying to spare my feelings knowing that I cannot be up there with my mother at this time. I have tried to be a good son.

I am so sad and frustrated this morning, I don't know which way to turn!

Please pray for me.  There is so much other stuff that is going on in my life that I can't put it in here right now because I don't want to upset anyone else...

News

If you read my last post you can probably figure out what my news is.  Yes it is very good news at least from my standpoint. My wondering and waiting are over and I have found out that my partner, friend and lover hasn't give up on me or the relationship, that even though he is going through his own set of problems he has decided that he still wants to be with me and is making efforts to be here by the beginning of the year.  This is great news for me who up until this very afternoon was trying to figure out how to either get out of where I am staying and moving on, or finding a compatible roommate to rent out part of my apartment too.

I don't have a good track record with roommates and I certainly have a hard time sharing certain things so this was going to be a huge challenge for me.  Especially since I am still in the process of trying to get settled in and I still have no furniture or belongings of my own. Then with the surprise news from my landlord that he was going to have to revise our earlier agreement and have to charge me something for the time I stayed here already. I thought I was going to have to give up once again and go back on the street. But low and behold money stretched just far enough and I have been able to cover most of the expenses that I needed to without totally tapping myself out.  Then my bf told me that he will be here in a couple short weeks, that means that I might have another month where I am struggling but once he is here, everything will be work out because he will be able to help me with the rent and that will make it so neither of us has to struggle and suffer.  There will be plenty of money with the both of us here and we won't have to have another person here to help us through.

So I want to thank all of you for your support and prayers, trust me they paid off in a way I wasn't sure they would.  Now with that being said if any of you have any furniture, such as a couch or bed that you would love to donate in my direction I will be sure to accept no questions asked.  Keep in mind that money is so tight that I was worried I was going to be out on the street.  But with him telling me that he was still coming that has given me hope and the boost I needed to keep working to make sure that I maintain.

Just wanted to give you that little tidbit of news...

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Personal update

It is once again that time for me to give you all an update on my health and status.  I met with the doctors at the VA on Friday to talk about the upcoming surgery and the things that are going to be necessary to get it done.  Found out that I am going to probably have to go to the Tampa VA hospital in order for the surgery to take place because of how complicated my case is.  Because I have to be referred all over the VA system in order for this to happen, it is going to take a little while for all the appointments to come together.  Not to mention that the VA isn't noted for how fast it moves in such cases.  Once this surgery is done and they address the fact that my stoma has started to detach from the abdomen wall then it is on to a 48 week round of chemotherapy.  Now they have to wait till after the surgery because the chemo will affect my clotting ability and my white cell counts, my body will be in a repressed immune state and any invasive procedure after it starts would open me up to infection.

My viral load and T-cells are back to undetectable and normal range for a healthy person, so I am happy that we have that under control. We are finally working on getting the kidney functions back to where they need to be. I have been bouncing back and forth between stage 2 chronic renal disease and stage 3, but the new treatment plan should have that eradicated by the end of next month.  Liver functions are holding their own and the Hep C is not doing any damage thus far.  Overall besides the issues I am having with my colon and abdomen I am doing remarkably well.  I am feeling a lot better.

As most of you are aware I have been in my new place for a little over 2 weeks and things keep falling in line that are helping me with the situation that I am in and I am grateful that I am being so blessed and favored with such goodness.  I have even joined a church home and doing some meaningful work with them and also volunteering some of my time and energy to that cause.  I am still without furniture but have a few things to follow up on that might prove fruitful and help me in that area.

I finally heard from Kerry and Tony both and they are doing well.  Kerry is going to have surgery on Tuesday and I would ask that you keep him in your thoughts and prayers.  Tony is struggling right now and dealing with a lot of mental and emotional stress and is still out there suffering on the streets. I am hoping that I might be able to help him with that situation soon.  I talked to him for the first time since I came back from Atlanta back in September.  I am so glad to hear form him, I have been really worried I had heard that he was in the hospital and some other things.  Maybe I can finally get him down here and off the street for a little while.

Please read my blog entries on Suicide they are very important to me and I will be rounding out the series with what warning signs to look for and what protective factors we can use to help those that are in crisis.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

6th of October

After a week of wondering what I have done wrong and how I can fix the situation I find myself in. I have come to realize that things are beyond my control and my understanding.  I recall a conversation I had recently with the person I thought I was going to spend my life with and the words that were said. I understand the things he is going through and the disquiet in his mind.  I wish he understood that what he is going through on his own isn't necessary. I have been through the same things and I know how he is feeling and how he's going to react.  See he recently received some bad news about his health, and he warned me how he was going to react, how when trouble comes his way he closes down and doesn't talk to anyone.  What I wish he would understand is that we are stronger together, that we can weather anything as long as we talk and that since I have been there I can help him navigate the emotions and thoughts he is having.  I have reached out and attempted to talk to him, to bridge the gap that has opened between us, and keep him up to date with what I am going through here, but have had no real response.

My health isn't going like it should and the news that I have gotten from the doctors on Friday wasn't good to hear at all.  I have been afraid to tell him what was said because I honestly don't want to add to his burden and have him worried about me like I am about him.  Further, on Wednesday I was told by my father that I had to move from where I am staying because they need the room for Nancy's son who is coming down at the end of the month.  That adds more weight on my shoulders because I am already taxed physically and emotionally at this point.  Add that to the burden of my financial situation and I am being dragged under.  I sit here and wonder how this is all going to play out.  Time is short and my job seems to not be going in the direction I thought it was going too either.  I think my boss is about to let me go because of the health issues that I have and the lack of time I can put into the work that needs to be done there.

I have found a place where I can stay through my job, but what happens if they let me go and I don't have the extra hours to support that added burden, see staying with my dad and Nancy I have only had to pay 200 dollars a month for food, now I have an extra 400 dollars that needs to come out of my pocket on top of the new car payment and car insurance that was just added over the last month.  I can see where this is heading and I am scared that I am not going to be able to meet the financial needs that I have taken on with my health as flaky as it has been over the past month.  On top of that the person who I love and care about is MIA right now dealing with his own issues and problems and isn't going to be here to help me navigate the waters I find myself in.

I have written blog entries recently about the curve balls that life throws at us and how we grow and learn as we navigate them.  I know that life rarely turns out as we expect it. I also know that the things in life that come easy are not necessarily worth anything nor are they appreciated.  It is the things that we have to work hard for that we cherish the most.  I was talking with my friend Dawn on Facebook tonight and I reminded her of these exact things.  By doing so it gave me pause and made me reflect on my own life and the choices I have made and the path that I have taken.  See this is the first time in my life that I have questioned my own decisions and actions and that I guess is because of the fear I feel inside of me.  See when I left Atlanta in February, I came home because I knew how sick I was. I had seen a flurry of doctors up there and the prognosis wasn't good.  I thought I was going to have more time and honestly during the summer my health was holding it's own.  Now I am not so sure and the words of all those doctors has come back to haunt me.

My friends Dawn and VJ have both assured me that my work here isn't done, that God still has more for me to do.  I have been encouraged to keep writing and talking to people about my experiences and the lessons I have learned.  With that type of inspiration and support I cannot give up on myself or on life.  Which honestly I have contemplated over the past several weeks.  I am growing weary of the battle with cancer, and my health it has been a long fight.  You know 20 years of being sick and fighting for your life is hard, but like I have said in the past I don't know anything else to do but live.  It is not in my nature to give up on anyone, let alone myself.  I have high hopes for the future, and I have dreams that have yet to be fulfilled.  So here I am instead of wallowing in self-pity and depression I am expressing myself to you my fans and friends and seeking the answers that I know are hidden within my heart and soul.  See I know that God lives and dwells within each of us, that the gift of life that He has given us is precious and to be respected and valued.  So here I sit searching within myself as I write in the blog. Because as I have explained to you before, I know the answers to all life's questions are too found with in ourselves. It is our birthright that was placed on us by the original sin back in the Garden of Eden. When the fruit was eaten off the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil all answers were given to Adam and Eve, it is passed down to us through heredity and all we have to do is look within and we will unlock the knowledge that is buried there.

Over the past couple of weeks I have often wondered when is it going to be my turn. When will I find someone that I can depend on? For years I have been the one that everyone in my life has depended upon, even now as I am living with my dad and Nancy they depend on me to cover some of the bills and part of the food costs.  But again, I ask when is it going to be my turn, when will I have the luxury of depending on someone else, relying on them to put my needs and cares at the forefront of everything else. To take care of me when my health is waning?  Still I don't have an answer to those questions.  I am not sure I will ever find that in my life. Especially with the news that I learned on Friday from the doctors.  I can't even talk about it in here yet because I haven't told anyone. I am hoping that the specialist I am going to see on Monday afternoon will have different answer for me and a solution to the problem that is currently facing me.  I also think that I am afraid to put it out there yet, because maybe if I keep it too myself and don't speak of it, it may just go away and I won't have to deal with it.  I know in my heart that it is very unlikely that will actually come to pass, but I feel I owe it to my family and loved ones to tell them what is going on first.

Just know this that my life is going to once again be forever changed when that knowledge comes out and I fear that this time it will mean that I am going to have to spend the rest of my life alone, with no one to share it with.  You may think I am exaggerating but it is honestly true. If there isn't a solution to my problem, I know I will have lost everything and everyone that could ever be in my life and no one and I mean no one is ever going to want me or care for me again.  I am saddened by that thought and scared because I don't want to be alone. My biggest fear has always been that I will die alone and no one will even know that I have passed and their will be no one to mourn or even remember me once I have left the face of the earth.  I would ask that you keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I go through this right now.  Also keep in mind that I am dealing with this on my own, my family and friends don't even know what I am facing.

I am worried about someone else I care about deeply, I have reach out and have tried to get in contact with him and I have heard nothing.  I promised that I would do everything in my power to reach him and I have tried short of packing up my car and driving back to Georgia to search for him.  I wonder what has happened to him and if he remembers anything that we talked about. The friendship we have built up over time and the feelings we had for one another, and I wonder why I haven't heard anything.  See, I know the capacity of the human heart and I know how it can love and love hard. How it can love everyone and everything, and I fear that when I left my friend I lost him forever, and that is not something that I never wanted to happen. I love him as much as I love myself, I would die for him and do anything to make sure he is happy.  I know he loves women and doesn't feel that way toward men, but there is a special connection between us, and I don't think he sees me as a sexual identity or conquest.  There is much more going on between us.

Then I have another friend that is going through some scary health issues, and he is also trying to change his life, lifestyle and everything about himself. I know he is lost and feeling trapped in a situation that he doesn't have the power to change.  I also know that he has finally tapped into the inner part of himself and has seen the power that is within him and he is scared and vulnerable, he doesn't know how to shield himself from the onslaught of emotions and his fears are being projected into the world and it scares him.  I have asked him to consider coming here, where I can help him and guide him.  Where I can help him with his health concerns because like me he is going through some really tough stuff, most of which I have already been through and dealt with. Cancer and leukemia is never a game that anyone should have to face alone.  I made him a promise years ago, that I would be there for him and take care of him while he went through treatments as long as he continued to do what he needed to do to get better.  Plus, over the years I have showed him the power that we all possess inside of us. The gifts of the Spirit that are bestowed upon us when we are saved and I know I can help him through his spiritual crisis that he is facing.

All of this and so much more is weighing on me this very night.  I thank the Lord that I have you to talk to about these things, and though you don't know their names, I know you will keep all three of my friends in your thoughts and prayers after you have read this and I am comforted by that fact. Because I know the Lord hears all prayers and will answer them as He sees fit.  I am amazed by the Grace that He gave the world when He saved us from our sins and I am thankful for the life and years I have been granted upon this earth.  I give Him the praise and the glory for the lessons I have learned, and I know that it is His voice that others are hearing when they read the words that I have written. Because my words are not enough to have moved and touched so many lives.  See, I was told today how powerful my writing was and how much of inspiration I am, and I have to give God the thanks and the praise for that because the words that are given are so widely received and touch so many different people that it is totally amazing.  So trust me when I tell you I am only the instrument that He is using to bring understanding to the world.

I remind you that there is a dark place that resides in all of us, what we do with it is not who our teachers are but by the lessons learned.  What this means is that we are taught right and wrong, good and evil and we can recognize them. Our conscious speaks to us and points out the things we know to be true, how we act upon the darkness inside of us is not by what we are taught, but by what we have experienced and learned.  Right now I am travelling through my dark place, I am filled with concerns, worries, doubts and fears, yet I have learned that through faith and understanding I will survive this, that all problems are temporary and shall pass away.  God has a plan for each of us, and I must remember my lessons and the things I have experienced and I must not give in to the darkness and be drawn down into it.  I know that the measure of a man is not by the deeds they have accomplished, it is by the grace and dignity in which he rises from the falls he takes and each of us falls and fails to live up to expectations of ourselves and others, but it is our return that matters, nothing else.  I am confident that I am not going to fall into the darkness that seems to be surrounding me because once it is exposed to the light the darkness has no place to hide.  That is why I write tonight to expose the darkness that was closing in on me and by you reading this I have exposed it to the light and it will now fade away.

Thank you for going on this odyssey with me, for it is by faith alone that I have made this journey bared my soul to the world and exposed most of my trepidation to you.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Does Music Speak to You?

At times in your life does an artist or album reach out and grab you?  Does the music speak to you in away that most of the songs on the album seem directed toward you or the situation that you are going through?  Maybe I am just peculiar, but it seems that at every period of my life where there has been great change that there has been an artist and a particular album that they have released that has reached out and spoken directly to me.  Every song on the album touches me and describes what I am feeling and going through at the time.

I have been asked over and over again how do I maintain such a positive attitude when I am going through so much, and I honestly think that the music that touches me helps me through these crisis times.  These songs describe the whole situation that I am going through and the people around me.  Then it is up to me, to take and process the songs and through inner reflection evaluate my situation and decide what I need to do to make a change.  I am thankful for these artists that influence my life and give me their words of advice that speaks to me through their songs.

Having been a music writer in a previous incarnation of my life, I understand that most of these artists are writing from personal experiences and that is why the music is infused with so much energy and intensity.  But what amazes me is that these artists have gone through or are going through something in their life that is so similar to what I am going through at the time that their music reaches out to me and grabs me.

I would like to give you some examples:  I used to live in Atlanta, and I was with a person there for a long long time. We had 2 houses together, several companies, two dogs, two cars, a cat and a lot of mutual friends.  Now, not trying to sound like I am pointing the finger at anyone but when the relationship ended it got into a very dirty state, both of us were trying to outdo the other and I believe we were trying to see how badly we could hurt one another. Now, that is not a healthy place to be, and a lot of damage was done and probably can never be healed properly.  This is a very sad event to have happened because the other person was very caring and loving and didn't deserve any of this. However, like I said I am not placing blame here we were both at fault. However, while I was going through this situation, I was constantly seeking refuge in Hilary Duff's Dignity Album.  Every single song on that album described the way I was feeling starting with the very first song on the album entitled "Stranger".  The song actually talks about how she was living with a stranger and that when they were alone that she couldn't recognize him anymore and that there was no love left in his eyes.  From that album I was able to process and address through the lyrics and singing of these songs the anger, hurt, disappointment and all the other emotions that go with ending of love and a relationship.

Another example would be Katy Perry's Teenage Dream album.  I am actually listening to it now as I write this entry. This album has so many songs that are speaking to me and helping me deal with my current situation.  What a lot of you do not know is that I have been diagnosed with a whole host of medical problems and that is on top of having my life fall out from under me when I was in Atlanta last year.  I got sick again in October of 2011, had kidney stones, found out that I had end stage reneal failure and then on top of that I was evicted from my apartment and I lost everything I owned, I had two dogs that were taken from me and put to sleep, and my car was stolen, I ended up on the street and heavy into drugs till February.  Now I have come home, I am rebuilding my life and getting my feet back under me. This album has given me the strength to move forward, to accept the fact that once again I am starting over.  Songs like Katy Perry's
"Who am I living for?" give me the strength to know that I am marching down the right path that I was meant too.  I know that if I wouldn't have taken the steps and made the decisions that I have had made during the winter in Atlanta I would be dead right now.  But I am here and I am okay and I am writing to you.  Hoping to share just a few of the little things that I have picked up as I have made this long journey.

There are so many songs that touch me, there are some that help me through little dilemmas, like "Circle the Drain" which talks about drug abuse and use.  How people make excuses and how people who care about us get hurt trying to save us from them. I am again thankful that these songs are out there and help me to deal with my issues.  I have passed on the lyrics of "Circle the Drain" to my ex because he is still struggling with his addiction, these words are how I feel.  I don't want to watch him circle the drain.  "I want to be his lover, but I don't have the power to rewrite his addiction" only he can change and defeat the monkey that is on his back.

But how do these songs help me you might wonder?  I will tell you that something inside of me identifies with a particular song, and the artist and before I know it I am researching the lyrics to the song and memorizing them.  Once I read the words and I sit back I begin to see the correlation between what the artist is sending out and what has been going on in my life. What I can tell you is that I amazed as the lyrics and the beat perfectly resonate within me.  I begin looking back at myself, my decisions and then it all seems to click inside of me.  I am not sure if everyone is like me.  But music, prayer, meditation, and writing are my key to keeping and maintaining a positive outlook and motivation in my life.  With having 6 terminal illnesses and doctors constantly telling me that the future doesn't seem to bright and that there might not be a lot of time left for me to wrap up my business, it would be rather easy for me to fall into a state of depression and fill my days with crying and self-pity.  But you see that would not get me anywhere and I would waste what time I have left and I am not ready for that.  Maybe there will come a time for me to wallow in self-pity and despair but I don't believe it will be anytime soon.

What I would like to leave you with is the song that I am listening to now.  It is Katy Perry's Firework...this is what I hope and pray each and everyone of you realize.  This is a song of hope and rebirth, it talks about inner strength, it talks about having faith and knowing that you can start over, you are not a failure and that you have inner worth and outer worth as well.  I hope this song touches you as much as it touched me.

Firework by Katy Perry

"Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind
Wanting to start again?

Do you ever feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under screams
But no one seems to hear a thing?

Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the fourth of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "oh, oh, oh"
You're gonna leave 'em falling down down down

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe a reason why all the doors are closed 
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the fourth of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "oh, oh, oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe-awe-awe

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
And it's always been inside of you, you, you 
And now it's time to let it through

'Cause baby your a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go " oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the Sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "oh, oh, oh"
You're gonna leave 'em in awe awe awe "

Please listen to the song and read over the lyrics and let me know what you think.  I value your opinion and want to hear your feedback. Tell me your story and if this song fits you. If you don't have the song or cannot find it get at me and I will send it to you or post it where you can listen to it.

All my hopes,

Uncle B