When I first moved to Florida I came with nothing except the clothes on my back, literally. I had on a t-shirt and a pair of sweat pants and nothing else except a broken cell phone. During my first 8 months I experienced some setback such as going into the hospital literally 2 days after I got here. I was in there for 14 days because my colon ruptured in 2 places while I was in there. However, I was able to make a recovery, get a job and was able to get clothes that I needed and I was able to purchase things that I wanted along the way. I got a job, bought a car, and got my own place on top of all of those things. I can't say that I was happy but it didn't take me long to get furniture. Luckily there was a place called Our Father's Closet not too far from my house that gave me a sofa bed, and some other items like a coffee table, end tables and a lamp. I got a TV from a pawn shop and I was on my way. Over the past 6 years or so I ended up loosing several places where I had lived, ended up homeless and most of my stuff ended up in storage units from Florida to Pennsylvania, which I had successfully kept up with till last summer when I had an unfortunate run in with the law.
I was on the street literally from July till December. When a friend of mine reached out and opened up his home to me and allowed me to come and stay with him and his partner. I am extremely grateful to Travis and Demario for allowing me to come into their home. Life hasn't been kind to me if the truth is to be told. Most of you already know from reading and following my blog that I have several medical issues and the list seems to be growing longer each passing month. However, the month of February I took the time for myself and I started rebuilding all of the things that I had lost over the past several years. This month I took money and bought myself a TV and I also got myself a computer and a printer. I even purchased a tablet, however, my mother being in a similar situation to mine health wise, I have decided that I am going to send her the tablet that I have bought and wait for a little bit and before I buy another tablet. It might take me some time but I know that with all the trips to the doctors and labs that need to be done that I am going to continue to be busy till I can get all of these surgeries done and over with that they are saying that I am needing.
I started going to pain management and I am finding that the medication that they have me on now isn't really helping me all that much. I seem to be taking more and more just to get through the day with out any pain. So I expressed interest in getting on Medical Marijuana but currently at the price point that they are charging here in Florida it really puts it out of my reach. I am not sure what I am going to do. I am pretty sure that my friends aren't going to want me staying with them forever, and I am sure that it would be better to get out on my own. But, with only being here a few months I am still not sure of my way around. My friend Travis grew up here and is very familiar with the area so I rely on him pretty heavily. I just fear that I am getting on their nerves and making them uncomfortable in their own home.
I have been here exactly 2 1/2 months and I am hoping that in the next 2 or so that I will have enough money saved up that I might be able to get out on my own. However, this is something that I am trying to work on. Though with every turn something seems to come up and I end up spending money that I wasn't planning on. My mother's cell phone died totally and wouldn't turn on at all. This was a necessary expense and I was glad I was in a position to get her a new one. But since I have been here I have been running into all sorts of obstacles. Like the UF Health here in Jacksonville is not in my network but the one in Gainesville is. I am frustrated by this. I am also having trouble with Ryan White here, for the past 7 years they have been paying my copays to the VA and here in Jacksonville they won't. I am not sure what I should do and starting next month the VA is going to start garnishing my check. Further, my partner had me bail him out of jail and then missed court. So now the bondsman is coming after me for the 3000.00 so that is going to end up coming out of my check.
So it seems for every step that I take forward, I end up falling 20 steps behind. I am not sure if I am going to recover from this fiasco altogether. I figure that during this time when I have the little extra funds available to me that I should purchase the things that I want and need before all the garnishments hit my Social Security check. That way when they do come I will not be needing things, I will have already built them up from. My next big expenditure is going to be the installation of my own internet here at the house that way I don't have to rely on my friends totally for everything. Sometimes I just feel like they think that I am trying to take advantage of their kindness and I don't want to overstep my bounds.
Overall, I am feeling great about the accomplishments that I have made since I have been here and the change of environment and scenery have really helped me maintain focus towards furthering my goal. My big thing is that I am really trying to fit in and at times I feel like I am keeping my friends from the things that they are needing to do because they are worried about me. Over the next month or two I am hoping that I will have either saved enough money to get a vehicle or a place of my own. That way they won't think that I am wasting my money on things and not making sure that they are taken care of. I also need to figure out how to work around my direct deposit issues with the credit union that I am a member of. I like the fact that I can transfer funds directly from my checking account directly onto my credit card and not have to worry about incurring an fees or late charges.
That is another thing that I have accomplished. I was able to get myself 2 credit cards. I am hoping that I will be able to begin rebuilding my credit and work towards getting myself totally back on my feet.
Right now I am worried about my upcoming appointment with the neurosurgeon I am waiting to see what type of treatment he is going to recommend. At this point I have had 3 MRIs and I have to schedule a PET scan tomorrow. I am struggling to keep up with all of my appointments and getting to and from them conveniently.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I set out on rebuilding my life from the remnants of my past.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label ability. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ability. Show all posts
Sunday, February 25, 2018
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
What are you looking for?? Wonder why you can't find it?
Folks how many of you are searching for something to change in your life? How many of you are looking for love? How many of you are looking for something but have no idea what it is? Just last week I told you what I was looking for. Those of you who have been reading my blog know that I have been searching for love in every conceivable place. I couldn't find it, and neither will you. Face it folk you and I have been looking in all the wrong places. The search for love must start within, no one else can give it to you, and it just isn't lying on the ground. Love is a very many splendid thing and if you don't love yourself you can't love anyone else.
Now, I have come to terms with myself, I have found my true self, the self that I gave away in my last relationship, the person that I used to be. I have the confidence and the courage to stand on my own. But I had to dig deep within myself, I had to be brutally honest with myself. No more excuses, no more rationalizations. I had to come clean with my fears, feelings, my desires and my wants. I needed to concentrate on all the things that mattered to me the most. You have to believe me when I tell you that healing comes from within. Forgiveness when given openly releases you from your pain and allows you to gain closure. You cannot hold any grudges in your heart. You have to surrender and let go of all of you, you can't do it piecemeal it is an all or nothing thing.
What I can tell you is that people who have known me for years had to take a second look at me, there is an air about me now that wasn't there before. I hold my head up with confidence, I am once again driven, I have revived my passions, and I have grown. I have to say thank you for those who are in my past, you have helped me grow and become the person that I am today, but change has come upon that person and has made something better than what was there before. I am whole again and I am so happy. I have a spirit of total love and compassion, take a good look at me because the person you see before you now is not the same person who was here before.
I was lost and wandering, I had little or no direction. I was on a path of destruction, I chose drugs to ease my pain and deal with my issues without acknowledging them. By doing so I had set myself up for failure, and came close to dying way too many times. Yet, the part of me that I have found again has given me a new resolve, and inner strength and peace that I cannot describe to you. I can tell you that I have never had a closer walk with God than I do right now. I can see things so clearly now that the haze and the smoke from self-pity and self destruction have cleared away. I have found that life is something that is worth living. I knew in my heart that I had a calling on Earth and a mission that God had planned for me. But I didn't know what it was or how to even find the path that I needed to be on. But something in my life changed recently and I have to tell you that my whole world was turned upside down but once it all started to settle everything was exactly where it needed to be.
Change is in the air and I keep telling people to expect it, but when it happens everyone seems to still be amazed when the change has come upon them. You have to understand that life is a cycle and what was will come again. None of us can run fast enough to escape the change that is coming. No matter what you do you will find yourself in the midst of it before you know what is happening. It moves as fast as the wind and will blow you over you are not going to even know when it is going to happen. As a race humans have a tendency to walk with their eyes downcast, and if you walk like that you miss all the things that are happening around you. If you are wearing blinders you can only see and face that which is directly in front of you you miss everything else that is happening around you. However, remove the blinders raise the head up and your heart will follow. I believe that when we remove the blinders and we start to look up at the sky we can see everything that is happening around us.
The Bible tells us to be of the world but not in the world, and I have been trying for years to balance that walk and be divine in my actions, more often that not I have been pulled into the world and started doing the drugs again. Yet, something is different this time and the temptation is gone. I know that now is the time that for me to start my work again, I don't think that their is a lure out there that would tempt me across that line again, especially since the last time that I tried to do any type of drug I got so sick that I thought I was going to die. It was recently too, and for that I am sorry. I have become my own man, and I think that now is the time for me to begin again.
So often times people look all over for different things, they look for love, friendship, relationships and hope in all the wrong places. It is often elusive and difficult and they loose hope and begin to despair. They forget that God is there and is watching over them. That He has a plan for them and their lives. But what is even more funny is that most of the time the exact thing we are looking and praying for have been given too us and we don't even recognize it. We are actually seeing it and don't realize that our prayer has been answered. So many times the things that we desire the most are right in front of our face and yet we miss it completely.
You don't know how many times I have been looking for a connection with someone, a closeness, a bond that I can't describe in full detail. But I know that things happen for a reason and I have to have faith that God has a plan for me. However, it is funny that I am writing about this today because as I was praying ove the weekend, a dawning realization came over me. I have had what I have been looking for in my life for a very long time and I never even knew it.
But as I posted on Facebook this morning God hears our prayers, sees our plight, knows what we are going through and what we desire. Our prayers are heard and answered on His timetable and not our own. He is never late you can bet on that, He is exactly on time. Just you wait and see. I think you will find that everything that I have said to you is absolute gospel. If it is His will it will be granted unto you when the time is right.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Now, I have come to terms with myself, I have found my true self, the self that I gave away in my last relationship, the person that I used to be. I have the confidence and the courage to stand on my own. But I had to dig deep within myself, I had to be brutally honest with myself. No more excuses, no more rationalizations. I had to come clean with my fears, feelings, my desires and my wants. I needed to concentrate on all the things that mattered to me the most. You have to believe me when I tell you that healing comes from within. Forgiveness when given openly releases you from your pain and allows you to gain closure. You cannot hold any grudges in your heart. You have to surrender and let go of all of you, you can't do it piecemeal it is an all or nothing thing.
What I can tell you is that people who have known me for years had to take a second look at me, there is an air about me now that wasn't there before. I hold my head up with confidence, I am once again driven, I have revived my passions, and I have grown. I have to say thank you for those who are in my past, you have helped me grow and become the person that I am today, but change has come upon that person and has made something better than what was there before. I am whole again and I am so happy. I have a spirit of total love and compassion, take a good look at me because the person you see before you now is not the same person who was here before.
I was lost and wandering, I had little or no direction. I was on a path of destruction, I chose drugs to ease my pain and deal with my issues without acknowledging them. By doing so I had set myself up for failure, and came close to dying way too many times. Yet, the part of me that I have found again has given me a new resolve, and inner strength and peace that I cannot describe to you. I can tell you that I have never had a closer walk with God than I do right now. I can see things so clearly now that the haze and the smoke from self-pity and self destruction have cleared away. I have found that life is something that is worth living. I knew in my heart that I had a calling on Earth and a mission that God had planned for me. But I didn't know what it was or how to even find the path that I needed to be on. But something in my life changed recently and I have to tell you that my whole world was turned upside down but once it all started to settle everything was exactly where it needed to be.
Change is in the air and I keep telling people to expect it, but when it happens everyone seems to still be amazed when the change has come upon them. You have to understand that life is a cycle and what was will come again. None of us can run fast enough to escape the change that is coming. No matter what you do you will find yourself in the midst of it before you know what is happening. It moves as fast as the wind and will blow you over you are not going to even know when it is going to happen. As a race humans have a tendency to walk with their eyes downcast, and if you walk like that you miss all the things that are happening around you. If you are wearing blinders you can only see and face that which is directly in front of you you miss everything else that is happening around you. However, remove the blinders raise the head up and your heart will follow. I believe that when we remove the blinders and we start to look up at the sky we can see everything that is happening around us.
The Bible tells us to be of the world but not in the world, and I have been trying for years to balance that walk and be divine in my actions, more often that not I have been pulled into the world and started doing the drugs again. Yet, something is different this time and the temptation is gone. I know that now is the time that for me to start my work again, I don't think that their is a lure out there that would tempt me across that line again, especially since the last time that I tried to do any type of drug I got so sick that I thought I was going to die. It was recently too, and for that I am sorry. I have become my own man, and I think that now is the time for me to begin again.
So often times people look all over for different things, they look for love, friendship, relationships and hope in all the wrong places. It is often elusive and difficult and they loose hope and begin to despair. They forget that God is there and is watching over them. That He has a plan for them and their lives. But what is even more funny is that most of the time the exact thing we are looking and praying for have been given too us and we don't even recognize it. We are actually seeing it and don't realize that our prayer has been answered. So many times the things that we desire the most are right in front of our face and yet we miss it completely.
You don't know how many times I have been looking for a connection with someone, a closeness, a bond that I can't describe in full detail. But I know that things happen for a reason and I have to have faith that God has a plan for me. However, it is funny that I am writing about this today because as I was praying ove the weekend, a dawning realization came over me. I have had what I have been looking for in my life for a very long time and I never even knew it.
But as I posted on Facebook this morning God hears our prayers, sees our plight, knows what we are going through and what we desire. Our prayers are heard and answered on His timetable and not our own. He is never late you can bet on that, He is exactly on time. Just you wait and see. I think you will find that everything that I have said to you is absolute gospel. If it is His will it will be granted unto you when the time is right.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Are you Insane?
I have always thought that a little bit of crazy would carry me far in the world today. But, now I am realizing that I am not crazy, I am totally insane. Follow me on this, I handle each confrontation with humor. I am a person that doesn't like to confront anyone. It is so bad, that I sometimes suppress my emotions and hold them in. Let me tell you that it wasn't good for me or anyone around me. Because I was hiding how I felt from everyone, it stayed bottled up inside of me. The least little thing that someone did would trigger an emotional and very verbally damaging barrage. I realized that I wasn't even really angry with the person, I was just taking out the pain and bitterness I was harboring on them. Not a good thing at all. It is never a good idea to bottle up your emotions like that, because you will find yourself like I did blowing up at the wrong person at the wrong time. Hell, they didn't really do anything major it was just a trigger.
Today, I hold nothing in. I tell you exactly how I feel and the brutal honest truth. Because I believe that I owe you only the truth. Because if I don't tell you the truth about whatever is going on and you find out from someone else guess who you are going to be mad at? It is going to be me. So, when I was recently diagnosed as being terminal. I decided that life is to short to go around sugar coating things. If I can't tell you the truth about yourself or a situation then am I really your friend? Throughout the blog I keep telling you that the way to keep a relationship together is a multi-part process. I believe that it starts with you. You have to be brutally honest to yourself and stop rationalizing things and lying to yourself. When you do that you are going to feel so much better about yourself. Things are probably going to start falling into place and you are going to find that there are less things to find fault about in the world. The second part of the equation is open and direct communication. Most of us aren't mind readers and we honestly don't have a clue what is going on in your heart or your head. No one wants to get hurt, and we try to protect ourselves by telling that little white lie. It does no one any good to tell people exactly what you think they want to hear. Actions speak louder than words my friend.
You maybe wondering what all of this has to do with insanity? Well, I guess I should explain what I mean when I ask you if you are insane. Albert Einstein stated that "insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different result each time". It is my contention that we are creatures of habit. We figure out a way to do something an easy way or what we think is an easy way. We continue to do it that way and it becomes part of your routine and if done long enough you will become set in your way and won't accept any other way to complete that task. I can tell you that I met a woman like that just recently, for 66 years she did the same things over and over again. She has a certain way she puts stuff in her washer, as well as set ideas on cooking and cleaning and everything else. But, here is the rub with this lady, she has been diagnosed with ALS and can no longer take care of herself. I was asked to help take care of her for a week. Boy, I was glad to leave because I am used to doing things my own way and it irritated me that she wanted me to redo everything her way. I am not good at doing things twice.
Okay, but as I was saying we are creatures of habit, and if you as you observe a person for any length of time you will notice the pattern of behavior of that person. I have noticed that some women are attracted to the same type of guys over and over again. Even though they have been hurt by that type over and over again. Think about this: You are standing on the cereal isle at your favorite store. You are looking at the packaging and they all look different, but surprise when you open the box the inside are the same corn flakes. Another, example is that I have reached out my hand to help certain people from my past, and got burned over and over again. Men are also attracted to certain types of people as well, and we all have preferences. So, what happens we end up dating not necessarily the same person, but the same type of person. Then the comparisons start between your last relationship and the present one, and we know that no two relationships can ever be exactly alike. Different people and different circumstances.
I was trying to help out a young friend of mine that I met about a year ago, when I had first met him he was only smoking herb, and when I got out of the nursing home he was totally screwed up, he was stuck with a bad habit and addiction. He and his girlfriend are both 18 and he has gotten her pregnant, and he is addicted to crack. This has caused terrible problems for his girlfriend and her baby because he can't be responsible adult and help support his family, she is the one working and getting money which he spends up as fast as she can make it. I have tried to help him out, get him into a rehab program. He refused and what happened. He stole my computer and my tablet, which I ended up having to buy back. Several weeks later he ended up stealing my sterling silver rings. Once that happened I had to change my pattern of behavior and tell him he can't come around my house anymore. I can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
So am I insane? Yes, because I keep giving out my heart and trying to help people and so many times I have been hurt. I finally have realized that they were using my kindness for granted and using me. I can't do this again, because the results are usually the same, I end up getting hurt because I have invested time and energy on helping others. Everyone tells me that I am a strong person because I still talk to my ex and have helped him out from time to time when he needed it, even though he is dating someone else now. Also, I have become friends with his new partner. True insanity is making the same mistakes over and over again hoping that someone will understand and help you break free from the pattern and habits that are holding you in place.
Just keep in mind that insanity is doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results. Make sure that you break out of your habits and patterns, because they keep you stuck in a rut. Crazy is my way to deal with the mundane pitfalls and obstacles that come your way. If you keep your head up and a positive mental attitude. There is nothing that you can't overcome and accomplish. Remember whatever the Mind can Conceive and Believe you will Achieve.
In order to get to the next level in life you have to become content with where you are at in life, and comfortable with what you have got. When you reach this state, I believe you are going to find that you have everything you need right in front of you. This my friends is called Prosperity.
No one is perfect, yet we seek an ideal in a relationship, a concept of what we think we want, and yet how can anyone measure up to an image that they know nothing about. You have to be flexible and roll with the punches if you are in a relationship, if you don't the patterns are just going to continue to repeat and you are going to find the same thing happening all over again. If you truly are going to conquer insanity you have to keep moving forward, and let go of your preconceptions and take some risks, you have to break the rigidity that comes with having ingrained habits, be willing and open to change and even try something new or different. Look for patterns of behavior, seek them out and physically change them. You have to step out of the box, take a chance on trying something new and wild. You might be surprised that the one you were looking for was right in front of you the whole time, but you were so wrapped up in yourself and the same boring outlook that you have totally missed an opportunity to blossom and experience true love. Patterns and rigid habits can keep you in a stagnant environment doing the same monotonous things over and over again and getting no fulfillment or joy out of it. If you are not happy with the life you have then get up and do something about it. Because only you can make the necessary changes.
So, now you tell me are you insane? I know that I am sometimes, but now that I have realized my pattern and my problem I am going to make that change. Walk with me on this new road lets see where it will take us and where we end up...I think it will be fun.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Today, I hold nothing in. I tell you exactly how I feel and the brutal honest truth. Because I believe that I owe you only the truth. Because if I don't tell you the truth about whatever is going on and you find out from someone else guess who you are going to be mad at? It is going to be me. So, when I was recently diagnosed as being terminal. I decided that life is to short to go around sugar coating things. If I can't tell you the truth about yourself or a situation then am I really your friend? Throughout the blog I keep telling you that the way to keep a relationship together is a multi-part process. I believe that it starts with you. You have to be brutally honest to yourself and stop rationalizing things and lying to yourself. When you do that you are going to feel so much better about yourself. Things are probably going to start falling into place and you are going to find that there are less things to find fault about in the world. The second part of the equation is open and direct communication. Most of us aren't mind readers and we honestly don't have a clue what is going on in your heart or your head. No one wants to get hurt, and we try to protect ourselves by telling that little white lie. It does no one any good to tell people exactly what you think they want to hear. Actions speak louder than words my friend.
You maybe wondering what all of this has to do with insanity? Well, I guess I should explain what I mean when I ask you if you are insane. Albert Einstein stated that "insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different result each time". It is my contention that we are creatures of habit. We figure out a way to do something an easy way or what we think is an easy way. We continue to do it that way and it becomes part of your routine and if done long enough you will become set in your way and won't accept any other way to complete that task. I can tell you that I met a woman like that just recently, for 66 years she did the same things over and over again. She has a certain way she puts stuff in her washer, as well as set ideas on cooking and cleaning and everything else. But, here is the rub with this lady, she has been diagnosed with ALS and can no longer take care of herself. I was asked to help take care of her for a week. Boy, I was glad to leave because I am used to doing things my own way and it irritated me that she wanted me to redo everything her way. I am not good at doing things twice.
Okay, but as I was saying we are creatures of habit, and if you as you observe a person for any length of time you will notice the pattern of behavior of that person. I have noticed that some women are attracted to the same type of guys over and over again. Even though they have been hurt by that type over and over again. Think about this: You are standing on the cereal isle at your favorite store. You are looking at the packaging and they all look different, but surprise when you open the box the inside are the same corn flakes. Another, example is that I have reached out my hand to help certain people from my past, and got burned over and over again. Men are also attracted to certain types of people as well, and we all have preferences. So, what happens we end up dating not necessarily the same person, but the same type of person. Then the comparisons start between your last relationship and the present one, and we know that no two relationships can ever be exactly alike. Different people and different circumstances.
I was trying to help out a young friend of mine that I met about a year ago, when I had first met him he was only smoking herb, and when I got out of the nursing home he was totally screwed up, he was stuck with a bad habit and addiction. He and his girlfriend are both 18 and he has gotten her pregnant, and he is addicted to crack. This has caused terrible problems for his girlfriend and her baby because he can't be responsible adult and help support his family, she is the one working and getting money which he spends up as fast as she can make it. I have tried to help him out, get him into a rehab program. He refused and what happened. He stole my computer and my tablet, which I ended up having to buy back. Several weeks later he ended up stealing my sterling silver rings. Once that happened I had to change my pattern of behavior and tell him he can't come around my house anymore. I can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
So am I insane? Yes, because I keep giving out my heart and trying to help people and so many times I have been hurt. I finally have realized that they were using my kindness for granted and using me. I can't do this again, because the results are usually the same, I end up getting hurt because I have invested time and energy on helping others. Everyone tells me that I am a strong person because I still talk to my ex and have helped him out from time to time when he needed it, even though he is dating someone else now. Also, I have become friends with his new partner. True insanity is making the same mistakes over and over again hoping that someone will understand and help you break free from the pattern and habits that are holding you in place.
Just keep in mind that insanity is doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results. Make sure that you break out of your habits and patterns, because they keep you stuck in a rut. Crazy is my way to deal with the mundane pitfalls and obstacles that come your way. If you keep your head up and a positive mental attitude. There is nothing that you can't overcome and accomplish. Remember whatever the Mind can Conceive and Believe you will Achieve.
In order to get to the next level in life you have to become content with where you are at in life, and comfortable with what you have got. When you reach this state, I believe you are going to find that you have everything you need right in front of you. This my friends is called Prosperity.
No one is perfect, yet we seek an ideal in a relationship, a concept of what we think we want, and yet how can anyone measure up to an image that they know nothing about. You have to be flexible and roll with the punches if you are in a relationship, if you don't the patterns are just going to continue to repeat and you are going to find the same thing happening all over again. If you truly are going to conquer insanity you have to keep moving forward, and let go of your preconceptions and take some risks, you have to break the rigidity that comes with having ingrained habits, be willing and open to change and even try something new or different. Look for patterns of behavior, seek them out and physically change them. You have to step out of the box, take a chance on trying something new and wild. You might be surprised that the one you were looking for was right in front of you the whole time, but you were so wrapped up in yourself and the same boring outlook that you have totally missed an opportunity to blossom and experience true love. Patterns and rigid habits can keep you in a stagnant environment doing the same monotonous things over and over again and getting no fulfillment or joy out of it. If you are not happy with the life you have then get up and do something about it. Because only you can make the necessary changes.
So, now you tell me are you insane? I know that I am sometimes, but now that I have realized my pattern and my problem I am going to make that change. Walk with me on this new road lets see where it will take us and where we end up...I think it will be fun.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Saturday, January 17, 2015
Words are just words without any action to support them?
What I mean by this is you tell me something that you want me to believe you need to have performed some kind of action to support the deed that you are telling me about. It is so easy for us to lie to ourselves and even easier to lie to one another. Take it a different way, you tell me exactly what you think I want to hear and I am suppose to believe you on the basis of your statement. However, how can I believe what you are telling me when I know you. I have been around you and I know your actions and reactions to certain situations. As a friend we learn each others habits, tricks and faces, and when someone tries to get over on you, The first thing that comes to mind is it's all a lie.
The phrase keeps coming to mind "Actions speak louder than words" and that is a universal truth. The Bible even states that God helps those that helps themselves. In order for us to show our sincerity we have to be able to show actionable proof that we did something, that we accomplished something and that we aren't just full of bull. I know it is so easy to fall into a pattern of telling others what we think they want to hear, but we are just fooling ourselves, the other person knows we are full of it and that we didn't do what we are claiming.
It is so important more now than ever to be true to yourself. By this I mean you have to be brutally honest with yourself. You have to practice every day speaking the truth and only the truth. If you can master that then you are on the right track. Your deeds and your words will reflect one another and you become a person of integrity. See integrity is something that is so important today, money is scarce, jobs are hard to find and we are all struggling in some way or another. If you are a person of integrity you live as you preach. You are a man or woman of your word. Nothing can persuade you from that path. It is important for others to know that they can trust and count on you and that is the other part of integrity.
So let me break this down to you. Integrity is practicing what we preach, being 100 percent honest with ourselves and others, as well as being someone that another person can count on and trust in. There are too many people out there that are living in half truths and lies and they are expecting the rest of the world to believe them and the lies that they are selling. These are the people that you need to avoid and keep out of your life. You are here to make a change. To be better than you were and are, and in order to do this you must remain positive, faithful and truthful. The old adage is 100 percent dead on when they say " The Truth Shall Set You Free ". Try it I am sure you are going to get used to it.
That's right I believe that each and everyone of us needs to work on this issue. That we need to train ourselves and make ourselves be truthful not only to others but to ourselves as well. It is the nature of a man to tell a lie than to risk hurting another's feelings. I know this to be true because I catch myself at this all the time and I have to remember. That I would rather someone be 100 percent honest to my face and give me 15 minutes of pain, than for me to find out the truth from someone else the truth, because my pain is going to be so much worse having to find out the truth from another source. My trust will be broken with you and once trust is broken it is so hard to build back.
What am I trying to ell you in this entry? Exactly what I said at the beginning words are just words. Words can be used for communication, they can be used to build someone or something up, they can be used to hurt, maim or injure another. But, words are just that without any action behind them. As I have told you before, the worst wounds that another can inflict are wounds caused by words. Words that are spoken in anger, haste, or to tear down or degrade another person are words that cause wounds that will never heal. Trust will be lost, hope, faith, and even self-confidence can be ultimately destroyed by the words another inflicts upon you.
Yet, I have been saying that words without action are just words and that is true. However, using words to wound are words in action, you are openly telling someone something about another, or you are taking something that was given to you in trust and throwing back at the person who entrusted you and that is both deed and action combined. Why am I telling you this? Is this something that is important? I believe it is! Unintentionally I believe that someone has maligned my character, said stuff about me to get others to think about me a certain way. Now they know that they are lying but again they are trying to please another so they say hurtful and untruthful things.
An example of this recently came into my life through a bitter conversation with another person. This person claimed that because of my illness and surgeries that my anus was sown shut and that I couldn't have sex that way, Now I know that this was said to hurt me and make me feel bad about myself, but here is the rub. I don't have to respond or acknowledge that attack because I know and understand the truth of the situation. However, for arguments sake I will clarify my situation. In the past I have had a bowel resection this is where a part of the intestine is removed the two remaining parts are then fused back together. This causes a stricture or a narrowing of the walls, Over time this narrowing becomes harder to relax and open because of scare tissue. So the truth of the matter is this I can have sex that way. But in order to relax those muscles sufficiently takes time and effort. It is not impossible at all. So you see where I am going with this? The attack on me was unfounded and was not grounded in truth, so I didn't get angry at the situation, but I knew where the faulty information came from immediately and it saddened me that they had to lie about me to make themselves feel better about themselves.
When ever someone comes at you with words, take a few minutes before responding and actually think about your response, you will find that if you do this, it will unbalance the conversation and it will allow you to reveal the truth and your actions and words will demonstrate union where the other person will not be able substantiate what they have said.
Be careful with words, especially around children. Words are powerful and can do great things or cause great harm. Always remember that if you are true to yourself and honest with yourself you will be the same with everyone else.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
-Uncle B
The phrase keeps coming to mind "Actions speak louder than words" and that is a universal truth. The Bible even states that God helps those that helps themselves. In order for us to show our sincerity we have to be able to show actionable proof that we did something, that we accomplished something and that we aren't just full of bull. I know it is so easy to fall into a pattern of telling others what we think they want to hear, but we are just fooling ourselves, the other person knows we are full of it and that we didn't do what we are claiming.
It is so important more now than ever to be true to yourself. By this I mean you have to be brutally honest with yourself. You have to practice every day speaking the truth and only the truth. If you can master that then you are on the right track. Your deeds and your words will reflect one another and you become a person of integrity. See integrity is something that is so important today, money is scarce, jobs are hard to find and we are all struggling in some way or another. If you are a person of integrity you live as you preach. You are a man or woman of your word. Nothing can persuade you from that path. It is important for others to know that they can trust and count on you and that is the other part of integrity.
So let me break this down to you. Integrity is practicing what we preach, being 100 percent honest with ourselves and others, as well as being someone that another person can count on and trust in. There are too many people out there that are living in half truths and lies and they are expecting the rest of the world to believe them and the lies that they are selling. These are the people that you need to avoid and keep out of your life. You are here to make a change. To be better than you were and are, and in order to do this you must remain positive, faithful and truthful. The old adage is 100 percent dead on when they say " The Truth Shall Set You Free ". Try it I am sure you are going to get used to it.
That's right I believe that each and everyone of us needs to work on this issue. That we need to train ourselves and make ourselves be truthful not only to others but to ourselves as well. It is the nature of a man to tell a lie than to risk hurting another's feelings. I know this to be true because I catch myself at this all the time and I have to remember. That I would rather someone be 100 percent honest to my face and give me 15 minutes of pain, than for me to find out the truth from someone else the truth, because my pain is going to be so much worse having to find out the truth from another source. My trust will be broken with you and once trust is broken it is so hard to build back.
What am I trying to ell you in this entry? Exactly what I said at the beginning words are just words. Words can be used for communication, they can be used to build someone or something up, they can be used to hurt, maim or injure another. But, words are just that without any action behind them. As I have told you before, the worst wounds that another can inflict are wounds caused by words. Words that are spoken in anger, haste, or to tear down or degrade another person are words that cause wounds that will never heal. Trust will be lost, hope, faith, and even self-confidence can be ultimately destroyed by the words another inflicts upon you.
Yet, I have been saying that words without action are just words and that is true. However, using words to wound are words in action, you are openly telling someone something about another, or you are taking something that was given to you in trust and throwing back at the person who entrusted you and that is both deed and action combined. Why am I telling you this? Is this something that is important? I believe it is! Unintentionally I believe that someone has maligned my character, said stuff about me to get others to think about me a certain way. Now they know that they are lying but again they are trying to please another so they say hurtful and untruthful things.
An example of this recently came into my life through a bitter conversation with another person. This person claimed that because of my illness and surgeries that my anus was sown shut and that I couldn't have sex that way, Now I know that this was said to hurt me and make me feel bad about myself, but here is the rub. I don't have to respond or acknowledge that attack because I know and understand the truth of the situation. However, for arguments sake I will clarify my situation. In the past I have had a bowel resection this is where a part of the intestine is removed the two remaining parts are then fused back together. This causes a stricture or a narrowing of the walls, Over time this narrowing becomes harder to relax and open because of scare tissue. So the truth of the matter is this I can have sex that way. But in order to relax those muscles sufficiently takes time and effort. It is not impossible at all. So you see where I am going with this? The attack on me was unfounded and was not grounded in truth, so I didn't get angry at the situation, but I knew where the faulty information came from immediately and it saddened me that they had to lie about me to make themselves feel better about themselves.
When ever someone comes at you with words, take a few minutes before responding and actually think about your response, you will find that if you do this, it will unbalance the conversation and it will allow you to reveal the truth and your actions and words will demonstrate union where the other person will not be able substantiate what they have said.
Be careful with words, especially around children. Words are powerful and can do great things or cause great harm. Always remember that if you are true to yourself and honest with yourself you will be the same with everyone else.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
-Uncle B
Sunday, December 21, 2014
What is the Christmas Spirit all about?
After watching the Librarians tonight on TNT I began to really understand the power and spirit of Christmas. Saint Nick's power comes from all around the world. He collects that magical moments and love that are displayed throughout the whole year and at Christmas time when the spirit is the lowest and despair creeps in Saint Nick travels the world and delivers love, hope, faith and anything else that is needed.
Sometimes, it might be a Christmas wish, other times it might be the courage to put down that point and walk away from meth. It maybe the need strength that the Alcoholic needs to put down the bottle or that person thinking about suicide to walk away and live. All these things are what Christmas Spirit is all about.
People don't understand me. They don't get me, and most of the time the miss the big picture. Everywhere I go I spread love joy and hope. I go back to the nursing home and I give back to those that took the time and encouraged me to go further than I thought I ever could. I was pushed, I was made to think and achieve things that I thought impossible. I never once believed them when I was told that I would never walk again and with the help of my physical therapist Grace and her assistant Dewayne, I am out of the wheel chair within 3 weeks and I have never gone back.
No matter where I go I always reach out my hand and help those around me that I can. It doesn't matter what life they lead, what they have done in the past and where they are headed. I have been as my grandmother called it an Angel on Earth. I bring comfort, peace and compassion with me where ever I go. My time on earth is running very low and I know that a great burden is going to be past on. I know that my nephew Kodi is ready for this, even though he doesn't think he is and by his will and strength alone I believe he has kept me here on this earth. Before he moved he told me and begged me to not let the burden pass to him until he was ready. I have seen his journey and I am so very proud of him.
He definitely turned into the man that I dreamed he would be. He has been faithful and loving and though all relationships have problems him and his girlfriend Annie has managed to keep it going and now their lives are going to be filled with a new life. My line has not ended and the power that God has granted me will be passed on to my nephew. His mother was my half sister, but when he came to me at the age of 13 I never thought of him as anything less than my own son. He has been trained and he knows how I have operated my entire life. He will find his own way to use the power that is going to be passed on to him. He is a special person and anyone who has met him will know what I mean.
So what does all of this have to do with the Spirit of Christmas? Am I am claiming that I am Saint Nick? No I am not him, I wish I had his job it is much easier than the path that I was given. Kodi will have it so much easier because he will have families and children to help that is the path that I see for him. God selected me to live and walk with the prostitutes and drug dealers. I have saved many, lost a few and even one in the last week. I am saddened by the loss. Kodi would know him as Rob the boot camp trainer that he met so long ago, and the guy that took him to school when we lived over on Buford Highway.
So why am I talking about this? What does it have to do with Christmas spirit. Well let me tell you. Every person I help, every life I encounter and interact with is enriched, changed and never is the same again. I have to say that even though I spent a long time in the nursing home they were all sad to see me leave, and are so excited when I come back and visit. You see I come and see those that have no family, have no visitors, who are shut-ins and left behind. I bring them the love that is in my heart and I spend time with each of them. There is not a one of the people in that home that I haven't met, who doesn't know who I am and whose life I have not touched in some way.
As God would have it I had a voice in my head telling me to go to the nursing home a couple of Sunday's ago, I wasn't feeling well, but I listened to that voice and I was able to see Jeanine Jacobs, I was granted the ability to tell her that I loved her and spend some time with her. See she died that following Wednesday, and the sad part was she thought she was getting better and was going home on Friday and she passed away on Wednesday. I miss her a lot and I give thanks to God that I was able to tell her that I loved her and was glad to see her before she parted this world.
Christmas Spirit is the spirit of love, it gifts those with special gifts the ability to help, guide and even manipulate and change the fate of those around them. We never interfere unless asked, and we never do anything against another persons will or wishes. Some of us are gifted with the ability to change life's just by being in them. Kodi and I come from a long line of Guardians and we have the ability to do all of the things that I have mentioned above. Just by being in someone's life we can change if for the better. Though often times we are selves are struggling and having hardships the ones we care about around us are doing better. I have been rich, I have been poor, I have been happy and I have had my share of hardships. But, I am very rarely a negative person and I am the type of person that other positive people gravitate towards. The love and family spirit, the gift giving and the magic of Christmas is increased at the end of the year because it is the one point in the year when the magic of earth is at the lowest.
Which is why we make resolutions on New Year's because the residual magic of Christmas is still lingering and can make those resolutions come true, the secret to that is being 100 percent open and honest with yourself. You will see that this time of year is the time when Families get together all around the world and the love that is shared is poured into the earth and allows people like me to do my job the rest of the year long.
Upon my death my gifts', abilities and premonitions will be passed on to the heir and since the only child I have ever had was my sisters the gifts shall fall too him. He is more ready then he knows and I have faith that he will be a better and stronger Guardian than I ever was. He will be remembered and just as I will live on in him, he will live on in the lives of those he touches. None of us ever truly leave the earth, we are kept alive in the memories of those whose live we have touched, interacted with and have changed.
My grandfather told me that a man doesn't leave his mark upon the world by how much he accumulates, how much money, property and wealth he has, but by how many lives he has touched and how many people will remember him when he is gone. I believe that this to be true and solid and I hope that I will be remembered always.
Before I close this post I thought I would sneak in what the definition of what a Guardian is. Much like the Masons, Elks, and other societies you have to be indoctrinated into it. You become part of it by being invited in by the head priestess or you are born into the order because of the lineage of your family. Kodi, Kevin, Eric and Myself are the last of the Guardian line in my immediate family, and though I lost touch with my cousin Eric over the years I know he has 12 kids and at least 2 of them will have the power and gift that my grandmother passed on to him and me both. My brother Kevin is focused in his world and already doing his part. He cannot inherit my gifts it doesn't work that way when he already has his own. My gifts will add to the natural gifts of Kodi and he will be more than he is. It will be confusing at times and hard to understand, but like me he will figure out the best use for his gifts and will be able to make changes in the world. A Guardian is neither Good nor Evil. We are balancers of the between the two. A Guardian never lets good get the upper hand on Evil and vice versus. We are punished for certain reasons, which I will not put in here, but Kodi knows.
So there you have it.
What is the Christmas Spirit all about? Bringing families together in love and joy, to spread the bond of love and magic and make it last the entire year. Guardians help move the power of this love magic along and influence when and where we can.
As always you hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Sometimes, it might be a Christmas wish, other times it might be the courage to put down that point and walk away from meth. It maybe the need strength that the Alcoholic needs to put down the bottle or that person thinking about suicide to walk away and live. All these things are what Christmas Spirit is all about.
People don't understand me. They don't get me, and most of the time the miss the big picture. Everywhere I go I spread love joy and hope. I go back to the nursing home and I give back to those that took the time and encouraged me to go further than I thought I ever could. I was pushed, I was made to think and achieve things that I thought impossible. I never once believed them when I was told that I would never walk again and with the help of my physical therapist Grace and her assistant Dewayne, I am out of the wheel chair within 3 weeks and I have never gone back.
No matter where I go I always reach out my hand and help those around me that I can. It doesn't matter what life they lead, what they have done in the past and where they are headed. I have been as my grandmother called it an Angel on Earth. I bring comfort, peace and compassion with me where ever I go. My time on earth is running very low and I know that a great burden is going to be past on. I know that my nephew Kodi is ready for this, even though he doesn't think he is and by his will and strength alone I believe he has kept me here on this earth. Before he moved he told me and begged me to not let the burden pass to him until he was ready. I have seen his journey and I am so very proud of him.
He definitely turned into the man that I dreamed he would be. He has been faithful and loving and though all relationships have problems him and his girlfriend Annie has managed to keep it going and now their lives are going to be filled with a new life. My line has not ended and the power that God has granted me will be passed on to my nephew. His mother was my half sister, but when he came to me at the age of 13 I never thought of him as anything less than my own son. He has been trained and he knows how I have operated my entire life. He will find his own way to use the power that is going to be passed on to him. He is a special person and anyone who has met him will know what I mean.
So what does all of this have to do with the Spirit of Christmas? Am I am claiming that I am Saint Nick? No I am not him, I wish I had his job it is much easier than the path that I was given. Kodi will have it so much easier because he will have families and children to help that is the path that I see for him. God selected me to live and walk with the prostitutes and drug dealers. I have saved many, lost a few and even one in the last week. I am saddened by the loss. Kodi would know him as Rob the boot camp trainer that he met so long ago, and the guy that took him to school when we lived over on Buford Highway.
So why am I talking about this? What does it have to do with Christmas spirit. Well let me tell you. Every person I help, every life I encounter and interact with is enriched, changed and never is the same again. I have to say that even though I spent a long time in the nursing home they were all sad to see me leave, and are so excited when I come back and visit. You see I come and see those that have no family, have no visitors, who are shut-ins and left behind. I bring them the love that is in my heart and I spend time with each of them. There is not a one of the people in that home that I haven't met, who doesn't know who I am and whose life I have not touched in some way.
As God would have it I had a voice in my head telling me to go to the nursing home a couple of Sunday's ago, I wasn't feeling well, but I listened to that voice and I was able to see Jeanine Jacobs, I was granted the ability to tell her that I loved her and spend some time with her. See she died that following Wednesday, and the sad part was she thought she was getting better and was going home on Friday and she passed away on Wednesday. I miss her a lot and I give thanks to God that I was able to tell her that I loved her and was glad to see her before she parted this world.
Christmas Spirit is the spirit of love, it gifts those with special gifts the ability to help, guide and even manipulate and change the fate of those around them. We never interfere unless asked, and we never do anything against another persons will or wishes. Some of us are gifted with the ability to change life's just by being in them. Kodi and I come from a long line of Guardians and we have the ability to do all of the things that I have mentioned above. Just by being in someone's life we can change if for the better. Though often times we are selves are struggling and having hardships the ones we care about around us are doing better. I have been rich, I have been poor, I have been happy and I have had my share of hardships. But, I am very rarely a negative person and I am the type of person that other positive people gravitate towards. The love and family spirit, the gift giving and the magic of Christmas is increased at the end of the year because it is the one point in the year when the magic of earth is at the lowest.
Which is why we make resolutions on New Year's because the residual magic of Christmas is still lingering and can make those resolutions come true, the secret to that is being 100 percent open and honest with yourself. You will see that this time of year is the time when Families get together all around the world and the love that is shared is poured into the earth and allows people like me to do my job the rest of the year long.
Upon my death my gifts', abilities and premonitions will be passed on to the heir and since the only child I have ever had was my sisters the gifts shall fall too him. He is more ready then he knows and I have faith that he will be a better and stronger Guardian than I ever was. He will be remembered and just as I will live on in him, he will live on in the lives of those he touches. None of us ever truly leave the earth, we are kept alive in the memories of those whose live we have touched, interacted with and have changed.
My grandfather told me that a man doesn't leave his mark upon the world by how much he accumulates, how much money, property and wealth he has, but by how many lives he has touched and how many people will remember him when he is gone. I believe that this to be true and solid and I hope that I will be remembered always.
Before I close this post I thought I would sneak in what the definition of what a Guardian is. Much like the Masons, Elks, and other societies you have to be indoctrinated into it. You become part of it by being invited in by the head priestess or you are born into the order because of the lineage of your family. Kodi, Kevin, Eric and Myself are the last of the Guardian line in my immediate family, and though I lost touch with my cousin Eric over the years I know he has 12 kids and at least 2 of them will have the power and gift that my grandmother passed on to him and me both. My brother Kevin is focused in his world and already doing his part. He cannot inherit my gifts it doesn't work that way when he already has his own. My gifts will add to the natural gifts of Kodi and he will be more than he is. It will be confusing at times and hard to understand, but like me he will figure out the best use for his gifts and will be able to make changes in the world. A Guardian is neither Good nor Evil. We are balancers of the between the two. A Guardian never lets good get the upper hand on Evil and vice versus. We are punished for certain reasons, which I will not put in here, but Kodi knows.
So there you have it.
What is the Christmas Spirit all about? Bringing families together in love and joy, to spread the bond of love and magic and make it last the entire year. Guardians help move the power of this love magic along and influence when and where we can.
As always you hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Advice to a friend
What I would like for you to take away from this is that everyone is struggling these days, there isn't a whole lot of money to go around and we have to make smart educated choices so that we can make the most out of the money we do have at our disposal. My friend's father sent her an email the other day when she asked him for help with money and bills. Here is the letter that he wrote to her and my response. I would like to see what you think of the advice both her father and I gave her.
This is his response to her: Dear, these are the options that I would recommend because you can not come up to Temecula and live there either. The job situation is the same there as it is in San Diego County... Nothing different. You got a financial situation and you want to go to school in the spring... You still living somewhere and you have no money to pay.. That is the first problem you have. You want someone to give you money for food. Well you will get money but for a ticket to fly back to Atlanta so you can regroup and go to school down there. You will have a place to live there and plenty of food to eat there. Now that is the first option. Second option you can join the Airforce, Navy or Coast Guard for 4 years of active duty, pay your debts off, travel the world and have money for school, VA loan for a house and plenty of time to figure out what you need to do to make a life for yourself. Since you do not have the skills right now to get a good job and even if you do get a job it will be a dead end for you because what technical skills do you have to offer a company.... Lets get real... Now that is your second option. We give you money it will be for you to go to Atlanta and not just for food for you to eat... That is not helping you at all. You just sitting around waiting for something to happen is not going to cut it... email me your address and let me know when you are ready to go back home. Now you are beginning to realize that you can not live off other people and you certainly can not live anywhere for free. Your choice... Your life... But these are your options right now... As you get more experiences in the workforce then your options will change but for now you need to take my advice and regroup before things get too bad... I am not telling you to give up but what I am telling you is that you are not a resident of California and you can do better in Georgia going to school and getting more benefit from there... Sorry but I got to do it this way... You are grown and now you got to receive it like I give it too you... THis is what happens to children that don't want to listen to anyone... And make plans that are not realistic....My email is ............. You let me know what you decide....But you got to make moves soon...With Love Daddy..
After reading the email I wrote this in response: Hey there Honey, I read what your dad wrote and I understand your concern. You need to think about this from outside of the box. I know you have been reading my blog. You have to divorce your feelings of disappointment from the situation as well as your own pride and anger...A change of perspective is what you need.
I think that this new plan that she came up with will work for her and her needs.
I hope you all take a really good look at this and understand that education is very important and you need to do whatever you can to get in there and do it. You will be so much better off in the long run if you just do it. Because believe it or not everyone is looking for college graduates these days, it is very hard to get a job without a good solid education. Here is a girl that just graduated high school last June and has worked to save up money to move to California to pursue her dream. She didn't figure how tight the job market was going to be and how tough it was for her to get a job out there. But all in all you have to admire her faith and dedication to herself and her learning. Here is someone that has their priorities straight and will be going somewhere in the near future. As I told her she cannot look at this as a defeat or failure, sometimes the best strategy is to regroup and come at it from a different way. Which she has decided to do. Never cut yourself off from your resources, don't burn your bridges and keep open lines of communication so that your support network is firmly in place. She did all of these things correctly but just didn't make it. That doesn't mean it was wasted effort or that she failed because in my eyes, she could never fail. She took a leap of faith and did something that most people would never do, moved across the country to a place where she really had no one and nothing and still made it work has been out there for almost a year and did it all on her own.
I am very proud of you Girl, keep up the good work, and know that I am here for you always if you need me.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
This is his response to her: Dear, these are the options that I would recommend because you can not come up to Temecula and live there either. The job situation is the same there as it is in San Diego County... Nothing different. You got a financial situation and you want to go to school in the spring... You still living somewhere and you have no money to pay.. That is the first problem you have. You want someone to give you money for food. Well you will get money but for a ticket to fly back to Atlanta so you can regroup and go to school down there. You will have a place to live there and plenty of food to eat there. Now that is the first option. Second option you can join the Airforce, Navy or Coast Guard for 4 years of active duty, pay your debts off, travel the world and have money for school, VA loan for a house and plenty of time to figure out what you need to do to make a life for yourself. Since you do not have the skills right now to get a good job and even if you do get a job it will be a dead end for you because what technical skills do you have to offer a company.... Lets get real... Now that is your second option. We give you money it will be for you to go to Atlanta and not just for food for you to eat... That is not helping you at all. You just sitting around waiting for something to happen is not going to cut it... email me your address and let me know when you are ready to go back home. Now you are beginning to realize that you can not live off other people and you certainly can not live anywhere for free. Your choice... Your life... But these are your options right now... As you get more experiences in the workforce then your options will change but for now you need to take my advice and regroup before things get too bad... I am not telling you to give up but what I am telling you is that you are not a resident of California and you can do better in Georgia going to school and getting more benefit from there... Sorry but I got to do it this way... You are grown and now you got to receive it like I give it too you... THis is what happens to children that don't want to listen to anyone... And make plans that are not realistic....My email is ............. You let me know what you decide....But you got to make moves soon...With Love Daddy..
After reading the email I wrote this in response: Hey there Honey, I read what your dad wrote and I understand your concern. You need to think about this from outside of the box. I know you have been reading my blog. You have to divorce your feelings of disappointment from the situation as well as your own pride and anger...A change of perspective is what you need.
Please keep in mind that what your Dad said was given out of pure love and total honesty. I know that what he said hurts and makes you want to dig in harder to just prove him wrong. But on the off chance that he is right are you prepared to face the consequences?
You have to keep in mind that every choice or action we choose that there is a direct and dire reward/consequence we have to accept for them. Now, your father gave you two options but there are actually quite a bit more that might be open too you depending on the situation. There is one thing that will change depending on staying in Cali or returning to GA, which is residency. This is a major thing as far as school is concerned. If you were to go back to GA you could enroll and start school without any waiting, you can take out the maximum amount of financial aid each semester and have enough money for books and tuition plus living expenses. You would also qualify for either student housing on or off campus at a much reduced price to accommodate the amount you would get in financial aid. I am only putting this out there because I know what you are trying to accomplish you and I have talked about this. (Remember I was the Financial Aid Director at American InterContinental University in Atlanta for several years).
If you stay in Cali you have to wait till you become a resident to qualify for instate tuition and the extra tacked on for being an out of state transfer student would eat up any of the extra funding you would get for housing. In Atlanta you wouldn't have that extra tacked on. The second option that your father gave you was the Military any branch of service. Now it is true that you would have to complete your basic training (boot camp) and your first series of schools before being sent to your duty station. However, that is education that is worth something to you. For several reasons and let me explain why....not only will it give you job skills that you can and will use in the course of your military career, it also will give you real world practical experience and will help you when you get out and are looking for work. But the other side of that coin is all military training is worth college credit hours too you and can be applied to any school that you want them too. You only have to wait a total of 9 months (approximately some training is more and some less in the military) before you are sent to your first duty station. Once you are assigned a duty station and have reported. You will probably need to take a bit of time and get used to your duty schedule and rotation. Once you have that under your belt and know when and what you are going to be doing. You can apply to a College in the area in which you are stationed. You can apply your military work toward college credit and be that much further ahead in your degree work, it also primes you for going into the Officer Candidacy program...more pay, better benefits and choice duty stations while you are in the military. Just because you do one thing doesn't mean you can't do both at the same time.
Now here are some other things to consider. You just graduated High School in June right? You haven't been out of school that long, you have accomplished a lot. You have gotten yourself all the way to California, got a place to stay and are doing okay for yourself. Money is tight an you are struggling, and are having a problem finding jobs. Am I correct in those assumptions so far?
Consider this you are a young black female that is on hard times, there is public assistance out there that you qualify for. You can get foodstamps, because you have no income! You can also qualify for section 8 housing because you are also unemployed. You need to check with the Department of Labor, I am sure that they have a One-Stop resource and career center near you. Being fresh out of high school you qualify for services there...they can help you with resume writing, interviewing techniques, and possibly computer training such as Office essentials (word, power point, excel, outlook and sharepoint) This type of training will help you get placement in an office type setting and bring you some income and it will also increase your skills set and open a whole new realm of job opportunities. Take some typing tests and increase your typing skills and get a job as a secretary or receptionist.
Consider this you are a young black female that is on hard times, there is public assistance out there that you qualify for. You can get foodstamps, because you have no income! You can also qualify for section 8 housing because you are also unemployed. You need to check with the Department of Labor, I am sure that they have a One-Stop resource and career center near you. Being fresh out of high school you qualify for services there...they can help you with resume writing, interviewing techniques, and possibly computer training such as Office essentials (word, power point, excel, outlook and sharepoint) This type of training will help you get placement in an office type setting and bring you some income and it will also increase your skills set and open a whole new realm of job opportunities. Take some typing tests and increase your typing skills and get a job as a secretary or receptionist.
2 other possibilities remain, now keep in mind any of the things that I am writing to you about can happen in GA or CA it doesn't matter you qualify for the help. You can also check out JobCorp, a lot of people think they only help with High School and practical training. JobCorp also has college type of campuses so you can check them out. You can also check out the Vocational Rehabilitation program and see if you qualify. You may not because you haven't been out of work for a year, but you never know till you try. The other thing that you need to check into is working for some temporary agencies. I am sure that you can find a good job with one of those. I know I did when I first started out. I got so good at typing I can type 65 words a minute on a good keyboard. I know Microsoft office products like the back of my hand and a whole bunch of other stuff...i just went into a temporary agency applied and kept taking their tests till I was good enough to pass them and before you know it I was making 10 to 15 dollars an hour.
I am not telling you to give up your hopes and dreams. I am not telling you that you should go back to GA. I want you to make that decision on your own. But I also want you to be honest with yourself and try like I have told you to change your perspective and look at the situation from every possible angle with logic and not emotion. I want you to realize that what your daddy said was done out of love and concern for you and your welfare and not out of a genuine desire to not help you. He wants to set you up for success and keep you from failing. If you stay in CA you maybe just setting yourself up for failure because before you have even started anything, job, school or anything else you are already burdened down with debt...That can truly keep you behind the 8 ball and keep you from succeeding. Once you fall behind you stay behind, retreating and regrouping is a common strategy used by the military and it works. It gives you the resources close at hand to journey back out and attack with full force. You can only attack with half force if you are divided by financial concerns. Just keep that in mind.
Whatever way you decide to go there are many more options than the ones presented here, you just have to change your perception and perspective enough to see all the different possibilities. Because there are an infinite number, you just have to see them to be able to make an informed choice. Because you don't want to pay for a bad choice later.
I would like to put this in my blog for today if you don't mind. I would like to use what your dad wrote to you from your post and my response to you if you wouldn't mind. Let me know please! I think what you are going through a lot of other young people are also struggling with and this could help them to look at their situation and make informed choices.
Each of us makes decisions and choices in our lives, and we have to live with the consequences of them. Sometimes it is hard for younger people to understand that, they haven't experienced enough of life yet. But as I keep telling everyone, there are more solutions than just two. For every problem there is an infinite number of solutions and that makes for a lot of different possibilities. We have to be able to make rational and realistic evaluations of the problem to come up with workable solutions. I talked to my friend today and she has decided to take a combination of what her dad and I advised her to do and came up with a really workable solution and a sound plan of action which should work out very well for her.
All it takes is looking at the problem from all different angles, change that perception and perspective and see it for what it really is.
Here is what she decided to do: No a matter of fact now that I think about it I'm going to do all three...go to Savannah state to build up my college credits then transfer if into the military ..Then get a job down there and save up my money as well for back up and emergencies
I think that this new plan that she came up with will work for her and her needs.
I hope you all take a really good look at this and understand that education is very important and you need to do whatever you can to get in there and do it. You will be so much better off in the long run if you just do it. Because believe it or not everyone is looking for college graduates these days, it is very hard to get a job without a good solid education. Here is a girl that just graduated high school last June and has worked to save up money to move to California to pursue her dream. She didn't figure how tight the job market was going to be and how tough it was for her to get a job out there. But all in all you have to admire her faith and dedication to herself and her learning. Here is someone that has their priorities straight and will be going somewhere in the near future. As I told her she cannot look at this as a defeat or failure, sometimes the best strategy is to regroup and come at it from a different way. Which she has decided to do. Never cut yourself off from your resources, don't burn your bridges and keep open lines of communication so that your support network is firmly in place. She did all of these things correctly but just didn't make it. That doesn't mean it was wasted effort or that she failed because in my eyes, she could never fail. She took a leap of faith and did something that most people would never do, moved across the country to a place where she really had no one and nothing and still made it work has been out there for almost a year and did it all on her own.
I am very proud of you Girl, keep up the good work, and know that I am here for you always if you need me.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Shutting down and closing yourself off should never be an option!
Last night I talked about some of the issues I have been facing. How I have felt alone and dead inside because the one person I want to share my issues with has closed themselves off and has shut down. He is trying to deal with his own health issues on his own. He has shut down and cut himself off from his family, friends and loved ones, he has isolated himself to try and deal with his problems on his own. I have reached out sent text messages, left voice mails, tried calling, even resorted to emails and emailing him via Facebook. His isolation has made me feel alone, lost and has caused me to worry more than he can possibly imagine at this point. It has also kept him from participating in what has been happening with me. I am sure that he has gotten my messages, and knows that I have been in the hospital twice, that I have gone to see my surgeon, and have a doctors appointment tomorrow afternoon. But, what he doesn't know is what I have found out so far, and how it is going to impact our relationship. What he also hasn't come to realize is that by cutting me out and isolating himself from me he is cutting his lifeline, keeping him from using the knowledge and experience I have in the matters he is going through.
See I am a firm believer in talking, communication to me is the key to everything in life. When we talk about our problems and issues with others we gain perspective, and the mountains we have made out of the molehills take on a very different shape. By discussing our problems with others we begin to realize that maybe our issues aren't as big and as scary as they were when we were trying to deal with them on our own. By confiding in others, giving them the trust of our openness we find that we have a support network that we can fall back on, that we are not alone in our fight, and we are now open to suggestions, knowledge and guidance that may help us navigate the issue at hand. I know what I am talking about here. I have 20 years of dealing with illness, I have a great network of family and friends that I can call on to help me tackle the problems that arise. I know how important it is because I also need help from time to time to navigate the pitfall, stumbling blocks and hazards that life throws at us.
I can help my friend with his problems because I have been there. I know what he is going through, the emotions he is feeling and I can protect him and help him navigate and find the best care out there to treat what is happening with him. But, I also realize that his shutting down is his coping mechanism, his defense against a threat that is bigger than himself, and how he is handling and mitigating his fear. But knowing these things doesn't help me feel less helpless and alone in this situation. See we are a couple, a partnership, and he should be able to confide in me, trust me with his fears, concerns and what is happening with him. I can be his rock, his guidance and inspiration in this fight. I want him to know that he isn't alone, that he is the one person and thing that keeps me going in my own battle. I want to repay that by being his!
I know that sometimes it is hard to see the forest because all we can see is the trees before us. I know that we can lose our way and get lost if we aren't watching where we place our feet. But, I also know that we all need someone, we don't always know what to do or how to react to information that is thrust upon us. Talking and communicating with others helps us with that. It also keeps us grounded and focused on ourselves and what we need to do to solve the issue or problem. We don't have to fight any fight alone, we have those around us that are more than willing to share in our pain, adventure and life if we just give them the opportunity. Maybe it is pride, or fear that keeps us from opening up. Maybe it is the mistaken thought that if we don't say what we are facing out loud, if we don't consciously think about it, will make it less real and less threatening. Trust me those are fantasies, what we are experiencing is real and no matter what we wish or hope it isn't going to go away on it's own. We have to face them with courage, hope and conviction that we are going to win and survive. Keep a positive attitude and outlook will go a long way in making the situation bearable and manageable, but we have to get there and gain that perspective. It just doesn't magically appear.
Give voice to your doubts, turn to your friends and family, let them help you and guide you through whatever it is that you are going through, you are going to be happier if you do. You will feel less vulnerable, you won't feel isolated and alone, let them help you carry the burden, because you shouldn't have to deal with the weight of the issue by yourself. Keep yourself open to the ideas and opinions of others, because they may give you an insight or inspiration that you might have otherwise missed. A different treatment plan or way to handle the situation, because we each see things differently and from different perspectives. Try looking at the problem or issue through another persons eyes and you will understand what I am talking about here.
Also if you are in a relationship with someone you cannot expect them to sit idly by and let you deal with the issue on your own. You have to understand that they already feel powerless to help you, they see the pain that you are carrying and they know that they can do nothing to alleviate it and make it better. But what they can do is be there for you, they can be the shoulder that you cry upon, they can lend you their strength, support and wisdom, and they can help you find the right answer. You owe it to them to give them the opportunity. Keep in mind that a relationship is a two-way street, that it is a partnership, you are supposed to be working together to build something, but you are also there to help one another through the difficult times too. Give them the benefit of the doubt, talk to them, let yourself embrace their love, warmth and support. Listen to them, let them help you carry the burden and lessen your load. It will make it easier for you to heal and get better if you aren't weighed down with the stress and weight of the situation all by yourself.
I posted several weeks ago on Facebook a message to my partner, I know he knew it was for him, just as I know that most if not all of his posts are meant specifically for me. Others, may not even know that we are dating or a couple but we know it, and we have a short handed way of talking to each other even when we aren't really talking. It helps us realize that we are in it together. But in my post I reminded him that we are a partnership and that I wasn't a silent partner, but a full sharing member. I was hoping he would get the point that I am here for him and always will be. Even if we weren't dating and didn't have plans to be moving in together soon. I would still be there for him. See when I tell you I am your friend, I am your friend no matter what. I will be there for you and you can count on me. I am not going anywhere. I promise you I am your friend till the very end. If I open my mouth and I say the words I love you, you better know that I mean them, because those aren't words that I say to everyone, and they have a special meaning for me. They are words of binding, and if I love you, that means I am with you, and only you.
I know if you have read my other posts in the blog I mention that the human heart is the only heart I know that has the capacity to love more than one person, it is also the only heart I know that can love someone unconditionally. We have the ability to accept a person, their good parts and when we do that and we are truly in love we never even notice or see the bad parts of them.
If you ever find yourself in the same situation that I find myself in, be sure you let your friend or partner know that you are there for them, give them the space and time they need to come to the realization that you are sincere, you are for real and that you aren't going anywhere. Because often times we let our past experiences color our thoughts and ideas about our present, and we can't do that. Remember no two people are the same, and no two experiences are exactly the same no matter how similar they may actually seem. If someone has left you in the past when you have confided in them or have asked for their help, that doesn't mean that everyone is going to do the same to you. You have to accept people at face value. Keep in mind that actions always speak louder than words. I know from first hand experience that anybody can tell you anything, yet their actions and time will reveal if those words that they have spoke are actually true. I am not saying that at the time they were spoken they weren't true, because they probably were. But, their strength and the strength of their character may be weaker than they thought. See if they follow through and live up to what they have said and promised. Most people will, but those that don't measure up, let them go, because they aren't the ones you want to have trying to support you in a time of crisis.
I also posted yesterday that the scars of the past are always with us. They are visible, but just because they are still there doesn't mean that they aren't healed. By saying this what I mean is that we have gotten past the hurts of our past, and we are reminded of that past by the scars we bear, but just because that scar is there, doesn't mean that ever other person is going to do the same thing to you. You have learned from the mistake, you have healed from it, be open and receptive, the next person isn't going to do the same thing to you, give them the benefit of the doubt and the opportunity to show you that they aren't going to reopen that old wound. As I have said earlier no two people are the same, neither are two situations, so you getting hurt exactly the same way this time through isn't likely at all to happen. We also have to stop looking backwards, because we cannot move forward if we are constantly focused on the past. The baggage of the past needs to also be left in the past, don't keep comparing your current to your past because that would be like comparing apples and oranges, because no two situations are identical.
Please understand that by closing yourself off from your support network of friends and family will seriously limit you from receiving the guidance and wisdom you will need to prevail over your situation. Each person is different and should be afforded the opportunity to prove to you that they are not going to hurt you like the person from your past.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
See I am a firm believer in talking, communication to me is the key to everything in life. When we talk about our problems and issues with others we gain perspective, and the mountains we have made out of the molehills take on a very different shape. By discussing our problems with others we begin to realize that maybe our issues aren't as big and as scary as they were when we were trying to deal with them on our own. By confiding in others, giving them the trust of our openness we find that we have a support network that we can fall back on, that we are not alone in our fight, and we are now open to suggestions, knowledge and guidance that may help us navigate the issue at hand. I know what I am talking about here. I have 20 years of dealing with illness, I have a great network of family and friends that I can call on to help me tackle the problems that arise. I know how important it is because I also need help from time to time to navigate the pitfall, stumbling blocks and hazards that life throws at us.
I can help my friend with his problems because I have been there. I know what he is going through, the emotions he is feeling and I can protect him and help him navigate and find the best care out there to treat what is happening with him. But, I also realize that his shutting down is his coping mechanism, his defense against a threat that is bigger than himself, and how he is handling and mitigating his fear. But knowing these things doesn't help me feel less helpless and alone in this situation. See we are a couple, a partnership, and he should be able to confide in me, trust me with his fears, concerns and what is happening with him. I can be his rock, his guidance and inspiration in this fight. I want him to know that he isn't alone, that he is the one person and thing that keeps me going in my own battle. I want to repay that by being his!
I know that sometimes it is hard to see the forest because all we can see is the trees before us. I know that we can lose our way and get lost if we aren't watching where we place our feet. But, I also know that we all need someone, we don't always know what to do or how to react to information that is thrust upon us. Talking and communicating with others helps us with that. It also keeps us grounded and focused on ourselves and what we need to do to solve the issue or problem. We don't have to fight any fight alone, we have those around us that are more than willing to share in our pain, adventure and life if we just give them the opportunity. Maybe it is pride, or fear that keeps us from opening up. Maybe it is the mistaken thought that if we don't say what we are facing out loud, if we don't consciously think about it, will make it less real and less threatening. Trust me those are fantasies, what we are experiencing is real and no matter what we wish or hope it isn't going to go away on it's own. We have to face them with courage, hope and conviction that we are going to win and survive. Keep a positive attitude and outlook will go a long way in making the situation bearable and manageable, but we have to get there and gain that perspective. It just doesn't magically appear.
Give voice to your doubts, turn to your friends and family, let them help you and guide you through whatever it is that you are going through, you are going to be happier if you do. You will feel less vulnerable, you won't feel isolated and alone, let them help you carry the burden, because you shouldn't have to deal with the weight of the issue by yourself. Keep yourself open to the ideas and opinions of others, because they may give you an insight or inspiration that you might have otherwise missed. A different treatment plan or way to handle the situation, because we each see things differently and from different perspectives. Try looking at the problem or issue through another persons eyes and you will understand what I am talking about here.
Also if you are in a relationship with someone you cannot expect them to sit idly by and let you deal with the issue on your own. You have to understand that they already feel powerless to help you, they see the pain that you are carrying and they know that they can do nothing to alleviate it and make it better. But what they can do is be there for you, they can be the shoulder that you cry upon, they can lend you their strength, support and wisdom, and they can help you find the right answer. You owe it to them to give them the opportunity. Keep in mind that a relationship is a two-way street, that it is a partnership, you are supposed to be working together to build something, but you are also there to help one another through the difficult times too. Give them the benefit of the doubt, talk to them, let yourself embrace their love, warmth and support. Listen to them, let them help you carry the burden and lessen your load. It will make it easier for you to heal and get better if you aren't weighed down with the stress and weight of the situation all by yourself.
I posted several weeks ago on Facebook a message to my partner, I know he knew it was for him, just as I know that most if not all of his posts are meant specifically for me. Others, may not even know that we are dating or a couple but we know it, and we have a short handed way of talking to each other even when we aren't really talking. It helps us realize that we are in it together. But in my post I reminded him that we are a partnership and that I wasn't a silent partner, but a full sharing member. I was hoping he would get the point that I am here for him and always will be. Even if we weren't dating and didn't have plans to be moving in together soon. I would still be there for him. See when I tell you I am your friend, I am your friend no matter what. I will be there for you and you can count on me. I am not going anywhere. I promise you I am your friend till the very end. If I open my mouth and I say the words I love you, you better know that I mean them, because those aren't words that I say to everyone, and they have a special meaning for me. They are words of binding, and if I love you, that means I am with you, and only you.
I know if you have read my other posts in the blog I mention that the human heart is the only heart I know that has the capacity to love more than one person, it is also the only heart I know that can love someone unconditionally. We have the ability to accept a person, their good parts and when we do that and we are truly in love we never even notice or see the bad parts of them.
If you ever find yourself in the same situation that I find myself in, be sure you let your friend or partner know that you are there for them, give them the space and time they need to come to the realization that you are sincere, you are for real and that you aren't going anywhere. Because often times we let our past experiences color our thoughts and ideas about our present, and we can't do that. Remember no two people are the same, and no two experiences are exactly the same no matter how similar they may actually seem. If someone has left you in the past when you have confided in them or have asked for their help, that doesn't mean that everyone is going to do the same to you. You have to accept people at face value. Keep in mind that actions always speak louder than words. I know from first hand experience that anybody can tell you anything, yet their actions and time will reveal if those words that they have spoke are actually true. I am not saying that at the time they were spoken they weren't true, because they probably were. But, their strength and the strength of their character may be weaker than they thought. See if they follow through and live up to what they have said and promised. Most people will, but those that don't measure up, let them go, because they aren't the ones you want to have trying to support you in a time of crisis.
I also posted yesterday that the scars of the past are always with us. They are visible, but just because they are still there doesn't mean that they aren't healed. By saying this what I mean is that we have gotten past the hurts of our past, and we are reminded of that past by the scars we bear, but just because that scar is there, doesn't mean that ever other person is going to do the same thing to you. You have learned from the mistake, you have healed from it, be open and receptive, the next person isn't going to do the same thing to you, give them the benefit of the doubt and the opportunity to show you that they aren't going to reopen that old wound. As I have said earlier no two people are the same, neither are two situations, so you getting hurt exactly the same way this time through isn't likely at all to happen. We also have to stop looking backwards, because we cannot move forward if we are constantly focused on the past. The baggage of the past needs to also be left in the past, don't keep comparing your current to your past because that would be like comparing apples and oranges, because no two situations are identical.
Please understand that by closing yourself off from your support network of friends and family will seriously limit you from receiving the guidance and wisdom you will need to prevail over your situation. Each person is different and should be afforded the opportunity to prove to you that they are not going to hurt you like the person from your past.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Friday, October 5, 2012
Life rarely turns out as planned or expected, but it is what you make of it.
When you are young, you think nothing is impossible, you are filled with hope and dreams, fueled with drive and ambition. College may have just been completed or may even be an adventure yet to conqueror. Now, I am not saying dreams, goals, hopes or ambitions are bad. What I want to prepare you for is the inevitability that is called life. See, when we are young and relatively inexperienced with the challenges and roadblocks that life throws in our path as we embark on our journey, we tend to make plans and goals for the future that we just never get too.
The reason for this is because of many different factors. Some of which include stumbling blocks life throws us, and unexpected complications in work, school and maturing over time. As we get older and mature we don't always re-evaluate our priorities or goals that we have made in our younger years. When we fail to do that we tend to wake up one morning and wonder why we aren't exactly where we thought we would be and are disappointed in the progress we have made. At times like this we start to second guess ourselves and the choices we have made as we moved forward on life's road.
Recently, I sat down and had a reckoning with myself. I wondered how I had gotten to the place I found myself at. See I had planned on a whole different life from the one I have. You will be surprised at what I had found out. It wasn't necessarily because my feet weren't on the right path, nor haven't I made the right decisions. There were other factors, that I couldn't have ever foreseen in my life's plans or goals. Everybody has different ideas of where they are going to be and what they want to do when they are in high school. Those thoughts might might change a little bit while they are going to college. But it seems that later in life each and everyone of us looks back at our lives and we wonder why we haven't made it to where we thought we would be.
As I was saying a bit earlier this year I decided to look back at y life and I was surprised at where I was at and honestly I found myself disappointed with the progress I had made. Keep in mind I was looking at current life versus expected ideals, and never took into account the journey it took me to get here. Once I factored in that I was still not happy at all with my progress, but satisfied with my achievements. See I looked at where I was currently at that exact moment in time, and not the whole journey. Which I will try to explain more about a little bit later. As I looked back at myself and on my life I only took into account at where I was at, at the present moment. Who would have thought that at 44 years of age I would be at home with my parents, with no place of my own, and no car and living on social security? When you look at it from that perspective it doesn't sound good at all and is rather depressing if you ask me. Which as you can imagine did cause me a few days of grief. However, I began to realize that as with all things in my life it is how we look at them. The angle at which they are viewed and the perspective they are viewed from, that makes all the difference.
Nobody likes to look back at upon their life and wonder what they have done wrong and they start contemplating the what if's, and honestly you can't do that because you will be drowning yourself in depression, doubt and guilt. If you are anything like me, you looked back and were surprised with where you find your found yourself. See my problem was I didn't take into account where I had been and what I had accomplished. I was just looking at where I was at now. Forget taking into consideration everything I went through and what I had literally lived through. I never stopped to look at the health issues, relationship issues, and all the other factors that had gone into how I had gotten here. I focused solely on the end result and let me tell you I wasn't happy! Then it dawned on me to consider the journey I had been on and the adventure of life, the circumstances that had brought me to this place, and that is when I realized that the path I was on had brought me to the exact place at the exact moment I needed to be there.
There is no mistaking that I needed to be at my parents home when I got here. I wasn't even here a week and I ended up in the hospital. Two weeks later I had to have emergency surgery and before I knew it I have been in and out of the hospital a lot over the past year. In order to get the care and attention I needed I landed exactly when I could get it and I am thankful I made the decision to come back here to my parents. In retrospect when I look back at the journey I have made. I am proud of what I accomplished, the friends and acquaintances I have made, the lessons I have learned. More than that I have come full circle in my life. I came back to where I have started. I am smarter, more educated, more mature and in a far greater position than I had been in when I had left.
Sometimes I ask myself, "Would you do anything differently if you had to do it all over again?" The long and the short of it is this, if I changed anything would I still know what I know now? Would I have met the same people? Would I have had the same experiences? No! I wouldn't have is the answer to all of those questions. So, No I wouldn't change a thing. The one thing I value most in my life are my friends and the friendships I have made. If I were to loose even one of them I wouldn't be happy. Another thing I look back and I see the accomplishments I have made. I am the first in my family to get my Bachelors and Masters degree. I served my country and received a Navy Achievement Medal for my time in service. I am a plank owner of the U.S.S. Wisconsin (BB-64). I have helped hundreds of people in my life without wanting anything in return and I have completed everything I have ever wanted to do with my life. Do I regrets? Yes, I do, but not the kind you would think of. There are some people who were in my life that I gave up on when I shouldn't have. Plus, there were my dark years. The years in which I found myself immersed in the world of drugs, sex and self-destructive behavior. This is also the period where my actions were not always friendly, more on the destructive side. These are my only regrets.
Here I am on the other side of that period and I look back in awe and wonder at the friends and relationships that were formed during that time of my life and I am amazed at how many of them have survived and are still with me today. I am thankful for their support and friendship. They have made everything I went through worthwhile! If I look further back at my life I can be proud of the time I worked for the State of Georgia. The skills I learned and the friendships that still survive today as well. It is inspiring to know that three different Governors depended on me, asked my opinions and listened to my advice. How even today five and a half years later my name is still well known. Who knows had my health held up I might even still be working there today. I was happy with that job and that life. What came after was the hard part.
But, even after tell you all of this, I don't believe I would change anything that I have gone through nor any of the people I shared those experiences with. Because it is through all of this and all of them that I have become the person that I am today. See, I realized this year that I am the culmination of every choice and decision I have made. I am the result of every experience and relationship I have had. I have grown, adapted, changed and matured into a much different person. If I wouldn't have gone through those things, suffered the setbacks and health issues I wouldn't have made it to the point in my life where I am at. Nor would I have the background and the experience that I live and share with you. You may ask about the illnesses that I have faced in my life and without rehashing my whole story. I will just tell you this June marks the 20 year that I have been fighting cancer and leukemia. In 2006 I was diagnosed with HIV and in 2012 I was diagnosed with Hepatitis C and Kidney/Renal disease. Life has not been easy for me and yet through it all I try to remain positive and strong.
These illnesses were a necessary part of my development and have given me so much more insight into the human condition and life itself. It has brought me that much closer to the Divine and God Himself. It has taught me the meaning of faith and how to look past the frailties of life and look at the soul of a person. It has prompted me to put my feet on the path of the philosophers journey and experience life from all aspects and points of reference. So, I don't think I would even change those experiences if I had the opportunity. But, along with saying that I wouldn't wish any of these things on another person not even an enemy, which I am glad to say I don't have many of. But lest I mislead you, I cannot say that I am altogether happy with the outcome of those illnesses. I have the bag to contend with and the fears and phobias that go with that. Then there are the scars . The damage to my colon and the limited sexual things that I am now limited too. Let me try to explain further about these things. You can find more on them in the blog entry entitled "Inner Demon finally reveal....is there still hope..?" The life of mine has not been a bed of roses. Cancer has eaten me up and yet, I am still here. Since 2005 I have had to have 12 bowel resections, which means that I have lost several feet of large intestines. I have had a colostomy, ileostomy, another colostomy, and other ileostomy, and then finally they added a colostomy with the previous ileostomy, so currently today there are 2 stomas sticking out of my abdomen. Then over the years I suffered from small bowel obstructions and had to have 8 sections of my small intestines removed, yet here I am! Now add in renal and kidney failure with Hepatitis C and you are at where I am today. I have the scars both physically and emotionally to prove it. The scar tissue and adhesion's are so bad that on June 13, 2012 they attempted to reverse the colostomy that was put in on March the 5th and I died on the table 3 times before they called it quits, I had to have 5 blood transfusions and spent 19 days in intensive care. I was told that they could never operate on me again or I would die. So at this point I have no further options when and if the cancer or radiation disease strikes again. That was the other thing I forgot to mention in 2005 I found out that I was also suffering from long term radiation disease from the treatments that were used to save my life back in 92.
Now, most people would be depressed and buried under the weight of all of this, but I find it a challenge, and it has made me stronger, given me a broader outlook on life. It has also made me look at the world from a different perspective. I see the positive, beauty and good in the world. This I think has given me the energy that I need to continue to fight and live each day to the fullest. What I want you to take away from this entry is this. no matter what your plan and how hard you strive to get there to that ideal place in life. The world is going to throw you curve balls and obstacles in your way. Each and every one of us looks back on our lives and we are never happy with where we are at. What I want you to do is look at the path and your journey that you have taken to get to where you are at. Change your perspective so to speak and understand that it the journey and your path that is important, and you have arrived at exactly the right place at the right time where you need to be. That by changing the way you view things you are going to see that how you got to your place is far more important, then the actual place itself. It is the journey that makes everything worthwhile. Cultivate the friendships and relationships you have made along the way. Take time to smell the roses, understand that life is short and that each and every moment that we have on the earth is as precious and important as anything else we could ever learn. Remember life is not always what we want it to be but it is exactly what we make of it. Appreciate the fine things in life, enjoy the culture the music, the exotic sounds and colors. Explore and learn all you can about everything around you. Take the inner journey and find the answers to the questions that have been plaguing you. As your perception changes, your outlook on things is going to change, and you are going to notice subtler things, and you will understand more of what life is actually all about.
Remember if things don't work out don't get frustrated, angry or upset. Keep in mind that you are going to find that you are actually precisely when you need to be, that is just the way life works. Think about it and you will see that I am right!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
The reason for this is because of many different factors. Some of which include stumbling blocks life throws us, and unexpected complications in work, school and maturing over time. As we get older and mature we don't always re-evaluate our priorities or goals that we have made in our younger years. When we fail to do that we tend to wake up one morning and wonder why we aren't exactly where we thought we would be and are disappointed in the progress we have made. At times like this we start to second guess ourselves and the choices we have made as we moved forward on life's road.
Recently, I sat down and had a reckoning with myself. I wondered how I had gotten to the place I found myself at. See I had planned on a whole different life from the one I have. You will be surprised at what I had found out. It wasn't necessarily because my feet weren't on the right path, nor haven't I made the right decisions. There were other factors, that I couldn't have ever foreseen in my life's plans or goals. Everybody has different ideas of where they are going to be and what they want to do when they are in high school. Those thoughts might might change a little bit while they are going to college. But it seems that later in life each and everyone of us looks back at our lives and we wonder why we haven't made it to where we thought we would be.
As I was saying a bit earlier this year I decided to look back at y life and I was surprised at where I was at and honestly I found myself disappointed with the progress I had made. Keep in mind I was looking at current life versus expected ideals, and never took into account the journey it took me to get here. Once I factored in that I was still not happy at all with my progress, but satisfied with my achievements. See I looked at where I was currently at that exact moment in time, and not the whole journey. Which I will try to explain more about a little bit later. As I looked back at myself and on my life I only took into account at where I was at, at the present moment. Who would have thought that at 44 years of age I would be at home with my parents, with no place of my own, and no car and living on social security? When you look at it from that perspective it doesn't sound good at all and is rather depressing if you ask me. Which as you can imagine did cause me a few days of grief. However, I began to realize that as with all things in my life it is how we look at them. The angle at which they are viewed and the perspective they are viewed from, that makes all the difference.
Nobody likes to look back at upon their life and wonder what they have done wrong and they start contemplating the what if's, and honestly you can't do that because you will be drowning yourself in depression, doubt and guilt. If you are anything like me, you looked back and were surprised with where you find your found yourself. See my problem was I didn't take into account where I had been and what I had accomplished. I was just looking at where I was at now. Forget taking into consideration everything I went through and what I had literally lived through. I never stopped to look at the health issues, relationship issues, and all the other factors that had gone into how I had gotten here. I focused solely on the end result and let me tell you I wasn't happy! Then it dawned on me to consider the journey I had been on and the adventure of life, the circumstances that had brought me to this place, and that is when I realized that the path I was on had brought me to the exact place at the exact moment I needed to be there.
There is no mistaking that I needed to be at my parents home when I got here. I wasn't even here a week and I ended up in the hospital. Two weeks later I had to have emergency surgery and before I knew it I have been in and out of the hospital a lot over the past year. In order to get the care and attention I needed I landed exactly when I could get it and I am thankful I made the decision to come back here to my parents. In retrospect when I look back at the journey I have made. I am proud of what I accomplished, the friends and acquaintances I have made, the lessons I have learned. More than that I have come full circle in my life. I came back to where I have started. I am smarter, more educated, more mature and in a far greater position than I had been in when I had left.
Sometimes I ask myself, "Would you do anything differently if you had to do it all over again?" The long and the short of it is this, if I changed anything would I still know what I know now? Would I have met the same people? Would I have had the same experiences? No! I wouldn't have is the answer to all of those questions. So, No I wouldn't change a thing. The one thing I value most in my life are my friends and the friendships I have made. If I were to loose even one of them I wouldn't be happy. Another thing I look back and I see the accomplishments I have made. I am the first in my family to get my Bachelors and Masters degree. I served my country and received a Navy Achievement Medal for my time in service. I am a plank owner of the U.S.S. Wisconsin (BB-64). I have helped hundreds of people in my life without wanting anything in return and I have completed everything I have ever wanted to do with my life. Do I regrets? Yes, I do, but not the kind you would think of. There are some people who were in my life that I gave up on when I shouldn't have. Plus, there were my dark years. The years in which I found myself immersed in the world of drugs, sex and self-destructive behavior. This is also the period where my actions were not always friendly, more on the destructive side. These are my only regrets.
Here I am on the other side of that period and I look back in awe and wonder at the friends and relationships that were formed during that time of my life and I am amazed at how many of them have survived and are still with me today. I am thankful for their support and friendship. They have made everything I went through worthwhile! If I look further back at my life I can be proud of the time I worked for the State of Georgia. The skills I learned and the friendships that still survive today as well. It is inspiring to know that three different Governors depended on me, asked my opinions and listened to my advice. How even today five and a half years later my name is still well known. Who knows had my health held up I might even still be working there today. I was happy with that job and that life. What came after was the hard part.
But, even after tell you all of this, I don't believe I would change anything that I have gone through nor any of the people I shared those experiences with. Because it is through all of this and all of them that I have become the person that I am today. See, I realized this year that I am the culmination of every choice and decision I have made. I am the result of every experience and relationship I have had. I have grown, adapted, changed and matured into a much different person. If I wouldn't have gone through those things, suffered the setbacks and health issues I wouldn't have made it to the point in my life where I am at. Nor would I have the background and the experience that I live and share with you. You may ask about the illnesses that I have faced in my life and without rehashing my whole story. I will just tell you this June marks the 20 year that I have been fighting cancer and leukemia. In 2006 I was diagnosed with HIV and in 2012 I was diagnosed with Hepatitis C and Kidney/Renal disease. Life has not been easy for me and yet through it all I try to remain positive and strong.
These illnesses were a necessary part of my development and have given me so much more insight into the human condition and life itself. It has brought me that much closer to the Divine and God Himself. It has taught me the meaning of faith and how to look past the frailties of life and look at the soul of a person. It has prompted me to put my feet on the path of the philosophers journey and experience life from all aspects and points of reference. So, I don't think I would even change those experiences if I had the opportunity. But, along with saying that I wouldn't wish any of these things on another person not even an enemy, which I am glad to say I don't have many of. But lest I mislead you, I cannot say that I am altogether happy with the outcome of those illnesses. I have the bag to contend with and the fears and phobias that go with that. Then there are the scars . The damage to my colon and the limited sexual things that I am now limited too. Let me try to explain further about these things. You can find more on them in the blog entry entitled "Inner Demon finally reveal....is there still hope..?" The life of mine has not been a bed of roses. Cancer has eaten me up and yet, I am still here. Since 2005 I have had to have 12 bowel resections, which means that I have lost several feet of large intestines. I have had a colostomy, ileostomy, another colostomy, and other ileostomy, and then finally they added a colostomy with the previous ileostomy, so currently today there are 2 stomas sticking out of my abdomen. Then over the years I suffered from small bowel obstructions and had to have 8 sections of my small intestines removed, yet here I am! Now add in renal and kidney failure with Hepatitis C and you are at where I am today. I have the scars both physically and emotionally to prove it. The scar tissue and adhesion's are so bad that on June 13, 2012 they attempted to reverse the colostomy that was put in on March the 5th and I died on the table 3 times before they called it quits, I had to have 5 blood transfusions and spent 19 days in intensive care. I was told that they could never operate on me again or I would die. So at this point I have no further options when and if the cancer or radiation disease strikes again. That was the other thing I forgot to mention in 2005 I found out that I was also suffering from long term radiation disease from the treatments that were used to save my life back in 92.
Now, most people would be depressed and buried under the weight of all of this, but I find it a challenge, and it has made me stronger, given me a broader outlook on life. It has also made me look at the world from a different perspective. I see the positive, beauty and good in the world. This I think has given me the energy that I need to continue to fight and live each day to the fullest. What I want you to take away from this entry is this. no matter what your plan and how hard you strive to get there to that ideal place in life. The world is going to throw you curve balls and obstacles in your way. Each and every one of us looks back on our lives and we are never happy with where we are at. What I want you to do is look at the path and your journey that you have taken to get to where you are at. Change your perspective so to speak and understand that it the journey and your path that is important, and you have arrived at exactly the right place at the right time where you need to be. That by changing the way you view things you are going to see that how you got to your place is far more important, then the actual place itself. It is the journey that makes everything worthwhile. Cultivate the friendships and relationships you have made along the way. Take time to smell the roses, understand that life is short and that each and every moment that we have on the earth is as precious and important as anything else we could ever learn. Remember life is not always what we want it to be but it is exactly what we make of it. Appreciate the fine things in life, enjoy the culture the music, the exotic sounds and colors. Explore and learn all you can about everything around you. Take the inner journey and find the answers to the questions that have been plaguing you. As your perception changes, your outlook on things is going to change, and you are going to notice subtler things, and you will understand more of what life is actually all about.
Remember if things don't work out don't get frustrated, angry or upset. Keep in mind that you are going to find that you are actually precisely when you need to be, that is just the way life works. Think about it and you will see that I am right!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Sunday, August 19, 2012
True Friendship
As I have told you before finding those true friends is a rare and beautiful thing. When you find them you need to hold on to them and cherish them. I have one friend that pops into mind almost immediately. This man has been with me through so many things, yes, we have had our problems, and fights, but somehow we have always managed to get past them and work it out. My best friend Jason was there with me the night that I found out I was HIV Poz. He sat with me on my bed at my house and held me, and we talked and talked for hours. This was a very cold night back in December of 2006, it was just a week after he had learned himself that he was HIV positive. I drew strength and courage from him even though he was a lot younger than me.
But, let me tell you a little bit about my friend Jason, see we had met several years earlier when I was still in the Navy and he lived in Chicago, we had lost touch and drifted far apart. However, our story was far from finished. See in 1997 I moved to Atlanta with my lover Joe Royer, and shortly after us being in Atlanta we bought a house in the suburbs. Now, Joe and I were in the party scene and for those of you who have been following my blog from the beginning will immediately realize that when I say party scene, I am talking about methamphetamines. Joe and I had met a guy who was a porn star, who just so happened to have the same birthday as Joe. This young man and I eventually became deeply connected in many ways, and through him I met a lot of people. I mean a lot! Anyhow this guy kept talking about wanting to meet up with this other guy, Joe kept saying that he knew him that he had paid the guy to have sex with him before I ever met Joe. Now, they kept talking about this person that they both knew by a different name, which turned out to be his middle name. Which I won't reveal here because no one needs to know and those that are involved in this story already know, so it doesn't matter.
Vito, who was the young porn star, that Joe and I met convinced me one day to take him out to meet his friend. So I drove out to Roswell, GA to pick up this friend and from what I gathered we were all coming back to my place to party and have a good time. Now when we got there Vito told me to park and stay in the car, he didn't want his friend to know he was hanging out with a white guy at first, he didn't know how his friend would react, and that he wanted to break it to him slowly. Well, long story short they sat outside of the car talking for almost an hour, and when they got in the car, Vito went to introduce us. I looked over my shoulder and started laughing because here was my best friend Jason, as I have said someone I met while I was in Chicago. Now, the reason why I never put the Vito and Joe's friend together with Jason was because they kept calling him by his middle name, which like I said I won't reveal here, but that is why as they were talking about this guy it never dawned on me that I might already know him. Here is an interesting tidbit that you might want to keep in mind, whenever I am introduced to someone, that is the name I remember them by. So years ago in Chicago I was introduced to Jason as Jason and to this day that is what I still call him. Though everyone one else uses his middle name.
Vito, and Jason started seeing each other, Vito was staying at my house with me and Joe, so Jason was around quite a bit. The thing with this is that there has always been a bond with Jason that has transcended that of other people. I grew close and attached to him in such a way, that it is hard to explain. Everybody, and I mean everybody loved Jason and wanted to jump in the sack with him and have sex. I will be honest with you that he is a gorgeous man, and yes I am physically attracted to him, he is a very light skinned black man, with an amazing body and a piece of equipment that was beyond large...let's just say OMG! But, there was something different about my relationship with Jason that made others so jealous and curious about. Yes, we have had sex on several occasions and we partied together for years and years, but it has never been about that for us truly. Here was somebody that I could talk to, confide in, who despite our different backgrounds and culture seem to be able to do the same with me. What is sad is that a week before I found out that I was positive Jason had found out he was positive. He was angry with Joe and Vito, because Joe knew that Vito was positive and hadn't warned Jason. I can tell you in all honesty I don't think there was any love lost between Jason and Joe anyway, because as I have mentioned above, Joe had been bragging that he had slept with Jason and had paid him to have sex. Now, Jason and I had talked extensively about this topic and anything else you can think of and I knew that Jason had done it because he needed the money that he wasn't attracted to Joe and had no feelings for him in that capacity at all. I can tell you this to this day Joe still questions why my relationship with Jason is different from his, and why was Jason comfortable having sex and being around me but didn't feel the same ways about Joe. Honestly, I think the difference was that, Jason and I never intended to have a sexual relationship, it happened, but we were friends first and foremost and everything else just followed.
So here you have our history, but I want to talk to you about the man and the friend that I have in Jason and others, because yes my friends it is possible to have more than one best friend in your life, and I will admit that I have 6 total. I am going to talk about all of them, and show you how each one of them has been the embodiment of "True Friendship". But since we are already talking about Jason, I am going to finish up with him and his ex Vito, who I guess in a round about way I can say was our ex, because both Jason and I had a sexual relationship with Vito and were together for quite awhile. You could even liken it to a 3-way relationship, I don't know if Jason will agree with me, but pretty much it is true, they were dating and I was right there in it with them from beginning to end, and having sex with both, so in a way, yeah it was definitely a bizarre love triangle.
Let me tell you why my friendship with Jason is so special and important to me, and why no matter what we are going through or where we are at, we shall always be friends. All of you should know that I have been battling cancer since 1992, but it wasn't till 2005 that I had to have bowel resection surgery and have the colostomy bag put in place. This man, my friend Jason was there through it all, he knew me before I had the bag and he stayed my friend well after it was put into place. Jason was the first to realize how the bag had shattered my self-confidence and plunged me into a deep dark depression, how I felt like I was a cripple and thought that I was always going to be an outcast and unwanted in the Gay world because I was broken and not a whole man anymore. But you know what he accepted me for who I was, he saw past those bags, he forced me to face the world. He proved to me that I was someone worthwhile and that I had a lot to offer. Literally he helped me find my self-esteem again. He was also the one who stood up for me, he backed anyone down that wanted to criticize or hurt me. Let me digress again quickly to tell you about this guy that I had met on Adam4Adam a gay hook up site, how everything was good and cool until I told him that I had cancer and I had the bag. Now I told this guy about the bag so that there wouldn't be any surprises, even then I felt that I needed to let people know ahead of time what they were getting into. Well, when I told the guy about the bag, he wrote "Oh my god you freak, your a monster, you almost made me throw up, you totally fucked up my buzz". Let me tell you how I burst into tears, and broke down because this was my greatest fear come to life. You know what Jason did, he fixed the guy good, got him on line and got him to come over. Not revealing that he was at my house or knew me, and when the guy got to the house, I opened the door and let him have it. By the way I am still friends with the guy today, his name is Xander and after he got to know me he turned out to be not such a bad guy at all but it was Jason who got him there and got me to face him and overcome my fear.
Jason and I have been through a lot, he has always been my biggest defender and champion. Though we are from different worlds and cultures I know that he has my back, he would never let anyone ever hurt me. I know he knows I'd do the same for him. There were nights/mornings back in 2011 that he would call me up at 2 or 3 am and ask me to come and rescue him and pick him up and get him out of messy situations. There was a time when my ex Sterling was talking to another guy name Jo-Jo and how Sterling was telling him how our relationship ended and how he was going to get back at me for all the things I had done to him, when I least expected it and it couldn't be traced back to him. I called Jason and Nathan and asked them to come and get me, to make sure that nothing happened to me and without questioning it they came. Nathan, is Jason's best friend and old roommate, someone that I was madly in love with and dated for a short period of time. He too is a great friend and someone that I know I can trust. Nathan, found out I was out of the hospital back in 2010, just showed up, wrapped his arms around me when I opened the door and hugged and kissed me and told me he was glad I was alright and he would be back in a bit, after he dropped the truck and his friend off. Nathan came back and stayed for 4 days, to make sure I ate and nursed me back to health. I love him still to this day.
Before I go any further, about what true friendship is and what it means to me, there are still several other people that I have to mention and bring to your attention, two of these I have known a very very long time. The first is my best friend John, we met while I was in the Navy and home on leave and he had just graduated high school. John and I have been friends all this time, we have lived together, moved to Atlanta and went to college together and been through some really hellatious times together. John was the person that helped me realize that I had lost myself somewhere in my relationship with Joe, that I had let the physical and mental abuse rob me of the person that I was. He pointed out to me that I used to be the person that knew where he wanted to go and made my own path, and when I saw something I just went out there and did it. That I didn't need people making decisions for me that I was a leader, and others drew strength from me. If it wasn't for the efforts of John that November day in 2010 when I had left Jason in my apartment, yes we were living together, and I ask John to come and get me because my dog Little Bit was taken from me which was the straw that broke the camels back, the Bryan that is writing all of this for you would still be lost today. Everything I have been through all the challenges and lost years I wouldn't change any of that for the world. The next friend is Patrick, we went to the same church when we were younger. His father was the minister and my mother was the church secretary. I spent a lot of time at their house growing up and actually became a part of the family. His mother and sisters are still in my life today and are really close. As a matter of fact earlier this evening I had to go to the emergency room because of an infection in my abdomen. Patrick, John, Kerry, and Lorna and I were texting and chatting via Facebook the entire time I was in the hospital. Kerry I just mentioned above, is also a good friend, always has kind words of encouragement and is a great inspiration to me, because he had a brain aneurysm, and never let it slow him down, he is a song writer, composer and singer and just signed a record deal. I can honestly say I knew him when. Now, just to give you a little more background on Kerry and I, once again I found myself in a strange love triangle 3-way relationship with him and Will that lasted almost 4 years off and on. But through all the stress, trials, abuse, anger, and drugs, we are still so very close today. He was also the only friend that I have that offered to drop whatever he was doing and come and take care of me when he found out how sick I was. Last but not least is my friend Judy whom I met in 1992 and we are still friends today, she is my rock my sounding board, and when my life and energy is out of alignment, one phone call to her and my world starts going right again.
The point that I was wanted to make, is pretty simple. There are few really genuine and sincere people that are going to come into your life, you are going to feel an almost immediate connection with them, and from that develops a life long friendship that nothing is ever going to break. But what is a true friend? It is some who you can talk to, confide in. They are there for you and you are there for them no matter what the circumstance. They are there to help you pick up the pieces of your shattered heart when your relationships go south, they are who you lean on when the world has turned upside and you are lost and don't know where to turn. You do the same for them. A true friend is someone that you need to have in your life, they are the holders of your secrets and you theirs. In other words, these are your confidants, those you know who you can totally trust one hundred percent. You know beyond any shadow of doubt that they have only your best interest and welfare at heart.
A true friend is someone that you keep coming back too time and again no matter how many problems and fights you have had. Time has a way of healing and easing the pain more quickly with these people. There is an empty hole inside of you when you are fighting and you feel complete and whole once you have made up. They are steadfast, stalwart, trustworthy, and accept you unconditionally for who you are, including your faults and strengths. They are the ones that are going to think of you first when both of you are in trouble, and they come running whenever you need them.
Cherish them, love them, tell them how much you appreciate them. Let them know that you realize what they had done for you, and how they have been therefore you and saved you. Let them know how much you care because relationships come and go, people come and go, but true friends stick it out, hang tough, and are very rare.
I love you Jason, Judy, Nathan, John, Patrick, Kerrion, Vito you are my friends my network of people, the only ones who have taken the time to get to know the real me, and inspite of that you love me just the same. My life wouldn't be the same without you, I might not have made it as far as I have if wasn't for your kindness and your support. Thank You, for all you have done and continue to do. Thank you Dear Lord for putting them in my life and letting us still be friends after all these years.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
But, let me tell you a little bit about my friend Jason, see we had met several years earlier when I was still in the Navy and he lived in Chicago, we had lost touch and drifted far apart. However, our story was far from finished. See in 1997 I moved to Atlanta with my lover Joe Royer, and shortly after us being in Atlanta we bought a house in the suburbs. Now, Joe and I were in the party scene and for those of you who have been following my blog from the beginning will immediately realize that when I say party scene, I am talking about methamphetamines. Joe and I had met a guy who was a porn star, who just so happened to have the same birthday as Joe. This young man and I eventually became deeply connected in many ways, and through him I met a lot of people. I mean a lot! Anyhow this guy kept talking about wanting to meet up with this other guy, Joe kept saying that he knew him that he had paid the guy to have sex with him before I ever met Joe. Now, they kept talking about this person that they both knew by a different name, which turned out to be his middle name. Which I won't reveal here because no one needs to know and those that are involved in this story already know, so it doesn't matter.
Vito, who was the young porn star, that Joe and I met convinced me one day to take him out to meet his friend. So I drove out to Roswell, GA to pick up this friend and from what I gathered we were all coming back to my place to party and have a good time. Now when we got there Vito told me to park and stay in the car, he didn't want his friend to know he was hanging out with a white guy at first, he didn't know how his friend would react, and that he wanted to break it to him slowly. Well, long story short they sat outside of the car talking for almost an hour, and when they got in the car, Vito went to introduce us. I looked over my shoulder and started laughing because here was my best friend Jason, as I have said someone I met while I was in Chicago. Now, the reason why I never put the Vito and Joe's friend together with Jason was because they kept calling him by his middle name, which like I said I won't reveal here, but that is why as they were talking about this guy it never dawned on me that I might already know him. Here is an interesting tidbit that you might want to keep in mind, whenever I am introduced to someone, that is the name I remember them by. So years ago in Chicago I was introduced to Jason as Jason and to this day that is what I still call him. Though everyone one else uses his middle name.
Vito, and Jason started seeing each other, Vito was staying at my house with me and Joe, so Jason was around quite a bit. The thing with this is that there has always been a bond with Jason that has transcended that of other people. I grew close and attached to him in such a way, that it is hard to explain. Everybody, and I mean everybody loved Jason and wanted to jump in the sack with him and have sex. I will be honest with you that he is a gorgeous man, and yes I am physically attracted to him, he is a very light skinned black man, with an amazing body and a piece of equipment that was beyond large...let's just say OMG! But, there was something different about my relationship with Jason that made others so jealous and curious about. Yes, we have had sex on several occasions and we partied together for years and years, but it has never been about that for us truly. Here was somebody that I could talk to, confide in, who despite our different backgrounds and culture seem to be able to do the same with me. What is sad is that a week before I found out that I was positive Jason had found out he was positive. He was angry with Joe and Vito, because Joe knew that Vito was positive and hadn't warned Jason. I can tell you in all honesty I don't think there was any love lost between Jason and Joe anyway, because as I have mentioned above, Joe had been bragging that he had slept with Jason and had paid him to have sex. Now, Jason and I had talked extensively about this topic and anything else you can think of and I knew that Jason had done it because he needed the money that he wasn't attracted to Joe and had no feelings for him in that capacity at all. I can tell you this to this day Joe still questions why my relationship with Jason is different from his, and why was Jason comfortable having sex and being around me but didn't feel the same ways about Joe. Honestly, I think the difference was that, Jason and I never intended to have a sexual relationship, it happened, but we were friends first and foremost and everything else just followed.
So here you have our history, but I want to talk to you about the man and the friend that I have in Jason and others, because yes my friends it is possible to have more than one best friend in your life, and I will admit that I have 6 total. I am going to talk about all of them, and show you how each one of them has been the embodiment of "True Friendship". But since we are already talking about Jason, I am going to finish up with him and his ex Vito, who I guess in a round about way I can say was our ex, because both Jason and I had a sexual relationship with Vito and were together for quite awhile. You could even liken it to a 3-way relationship, I don't know if Jason will agree with me, but pretty much it is true, they were dating and I was right there in it with them from beginning to end, and having sex with both, so in a way, yeah it was definitely a bizarre love triangle.
Let me tell you why my friendship with Jason is so special and important to me, and why no matter what we are going through or where we are at, we shall always be friends. All of you should know that I have been battling cancer since 1992, but it wasn't till 2005 that I had to have bowel resection surgery and have the colostomy bag put in place. This man, my friend Jason was there through it all, he knew me before I had the bag and he stayed my friend well after it was put into place. Jason was the first to realize how the bag had shattered my self-confidence and plunged me into a deep dark depression, how I felt like I was a cripple and thought that I was always going to be an outcast and unwanted in the Gay world because I was broken and not a whole man anymore. But you know what he accepted me for who I was, he saw past those bags, he forced me to face the world. He proved to me that I was someone worthwhile and that I had a lot to offer. Literally he helped me find my self-esteem again. He was also the one who stood up for me, he backed anyone down that wanted to criticize or hurt me. Let me digress again quickly to tell you about this guy that I had met on Adam4Adam a gay hook up site, how everything was good and cool until I told him that I had cancer and I had the bag. Now I told this guy about the bag so that there wouldn't be any surprises, even then I felt that I needed to let people know ahead of time what they were getting into. Well, when I told the guy about the bag, he wrote "Oh my god you freak, your a monster, you almost made me throw up, you totally fucked up my buzz". Let me tell you how I burst into tears, and broke down because this was my greatest fear come to life. You know what Jason did, he fixed the guy good, got him on line and got him to come over. Not revealing that he was at my house or knew me, and when the guy got to the house, I opened the door and let him have it. By the way I am still friends with the guy today, his name is Xander and after he got to know me he turned out to be not such a bad guy at all but it was Jason who got him there and got me to face him and overcome my fear.
Jason and I have been through a lot, he has always been my biggest defender and champion. Though we are from different worlds and cultures I know that he has my back, he would never let anyone ever hurt me. I know he knows I'd do the same for him. There were nights/mornings back in 2011 that he would call me up at 2 or 3 am and ask me to come and rescue him and pick him up and get him out of messy situations. There was a time when my ex Sterling was talking to another guy name Jo-Jo and how Sterling was telling him how our relationship ended and how he was going to get back at me for all the things I had done to him, when I least expected it and it couldn't be traced back to him. I called Jason and Nathan and asked them to come and get me, to make sure that nothing happened to me and without questioning it they came. Nathan, is Jason's best friend and old roommate, someone that I was madly in love with and dated for a short period of time. He too is a great friend and someone that I know I can trust. Nathan, found out I was out of the hospital back in 2010, just showed up, wrapped his arms around me when I opened the door and hugged and kissed me and told me he was glad I was alright and he would be back in a bit, after he dropped the truck and his friend off. Nathan came back and stayed for 4 days, to make sure I ate and nursed me back to health. I love him still to this day.
Before I go any further, about what true friendship is and what it means to me, there are still several other people that I have to mention and bring to your attention, two of these I have known a very very long time. The first is my best friend John, we met while I was in the Navy and home on leave and he had just graduated high school. John and I have been friends all this time, we have lived together, moved to Atlanta and went to college together and been through some really hellatious times together. John was the person that helped me realize that I had lost myself somewhere in my relationship with Joe, that I had let the physical and mental abuse rob me of the person that I was. He pointed out to me that I used to be the person that knew where he wanted to go and made my own path, and when I saw something I just went out there and did it. That I didn't need people making decisions for me that I was a leader, and others drew strength from me. If it wasn't for the efforts of John that November day in 2010 when I had left Jason in my apartment, yes we were living together, and I ask John to come and get me because my dog Little Bit was taken from me which was the straw that broke the camels back, the Bryan that is writing all of this for you would still be lost today. Everything I have been through all the challenges and lost years I wouldn't change any of that for the world. The next friend is Patrick, we went to the same church when we were younger. His father was the minister and my mother was the church secretary. I spent a lot of time at their house growing up and actually became a part of the family. His mother and sisters are still in my life today and are really close. As a matter of fact earlier this evening I had to go to the emergency room because of an infection in my abdomen. Patrick, John, Kerry, and Lorna and I were texting and chatting via Facebook the entire time I was in the hospital. Kerry I just mentioned above, is also a good friend, always has kind words of encouragement and is a great inspiration to me, because he had a brain aneurysm, and never let it slow him down, he is a song writer, composer and singer and just signed a record deal. I can honestly say I knew him when. Now, just to give you a little more background on Kerry and I, once again I found myself in a strange love triangle 3-way relationship with him and Will that lasted almost 4 years off and on. But through all the stress, trials, abuse, anger, and drugs, we are still so very close today. He was also the only friend that I have that offered to drop whatever he was doing and come and take care of me when he found out how sick I was. Last but not least is my friend Judy whom I met in 1992 and we are still friends today, she is my rock my sounding board, and when my life and energy is out of alignment, one phone call to her and my world starts going right again.
The point that I was wanted to make, is pretty simple. There are few really genuine and sincere people that are going to come into your life, you are going to feel an almost immediate connection with them, and from that develops a life long friendship that nothing is ever going to break. But what is a true friend? It is some who you can talk to, confide in. They are there for you and you are there for them no matter what the circumstance. They are there to help you pick up the pieces of your shattered heart when your relationships go south, they are who you lean on when the world has turned upside and you are lost and don't know where to turn. You do the same for them. A true friend is someone that you need to have in your life, they are the holders of your secrets and you theirs. In other words, these are your confidants, those you know who you can totally trust one hundred percent. You know beyond any shadow of doubt that they have only your best interest and welfare at heart.
A true friend is someone that you keep coming back too time and again no matter how many problems and fights you have had. Time has a way of healing and easing the pain more quickly with these people. There is an empty hole inside of you when you are fighting and you feel complete and whole once you have made up. They are steadfast, stalwart, trustworthy, and accept you unconditionally for who you are, including your faults and strengths. They are the ones that are going to think of you first when both of you are in trouble, and they come running whenever you need them.
Cherish them, love them, tell them how much you appreciate them. Let them know that you realize what they had done for you, and how they have been therefore you and saved you. Let them know how much you care because relationships come and go, people come and go, but true friends stick it out, hang tough, and are very rare.
I love you Jason, Judy, Nathan, John, Patrick, Kerrion, Vito you are my friends my network of people, the only ones who have taken the time to get to know the real me, and inspite of that you love me just the same. My life wouldn't be the same without you, I might not have made it as far as I have if wasn't for your kindness and your support. Thank You, for all you have done and continue to do. Thank you Dear Lord for putting them in my life and letting us still be friends after all these years.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Monday, August 13, 2012
What is a powerful thing? Read these two poems and see for yourself
Never fear mother dear, I heard your heart beating within your womb,
and even as I grow old I will continue to grow and bloom
until this body fails and makes a fleshy tomb.
Though I entertain all manner of thoughts, the worlds weight can be processed and sorted out at night as I lay down in my room
and though I have fought and loved, triumphed and soared, felt the pain of loss and so much more none of these scars were worthless and none of the cuts too fatal to ensure my doom.
I have never failed you or let you down I helped you to be born, I stayed playful and wise
as you grew old in everyone's eyes.
Even when you slept at night, I worked on all your fears and cries,
No weight was enough to crush my ability to see through the stress and lies.
When you were wracked with pain from a broken heart
I built the walls to let your wounds heal by keeping you and others far apart.
Who am I? I am your mind, the Brain!
When does life begin?
Some believe it is before we are born, others claim it's when we begin to think.
I don't know for sure you say.
That I can understand.
Why does my body get older yet my mind is timeless?
Again I don't know for sure you say.
The world doesn't revolve around me they say. But why do I feel it's weight upon my shoulders at times?
Again you say you don't know.
How can someone be stabbed and scarred and yet bear not one visible wound?
The answer to these my friend is the brain is a powerful thing.
When the brain animates the lungs and blood begins to flow through the heart is when life begins.
As my body grows older with each passing year. The brain measures it differently my Dear!
My mind takes on fears and worries of those all around and that is the when I feel the world's weight upon my shoulders.
Then my mind allows my heart to love. The pain I feel from that allows my brain to comprehend the wound and cuts of words and deeds that cannot be seen. Scars that are hidden from view but are plain to sense when I try to get near to you.
The brain is a powerful thing!
The brain controls the subconscious which runs my body even when I sleep.
The brain stays nimble and quick as it sharpens it wits, even as I grow old and feeble.
The brain is strong yet can be burdened with stress and depression. Bowing me down under the weight.
The brain controls the tongue that can soothe or maim and leave no wound but guilt and shame.
Isn't the brain a powerful thing?
and even as I grow old I will continue to grow and bloom
until this body fails and makes a fleshy tomb.
Though I entertain all manner of thoughts, the worlds weight can be processed and sorted out at night as I lay down in my room
and though I have fought and loved, triumphed and soared, felt the pain of loss and so much more none of these scars were worthless and none of the cuts too fatal to ensure my doom.
I have never failed you or let you down I helped you to be born, I stayed playful and wise
as you grew old in everyone's eyes.
Even when you slept at night, I worked on all your fears and cries,
No weight was enough to crush my ability to see through the stress and lies.
When you were wracked with pain from a broken heart
I built the walls to let your wounds heal by keeping you and others far apart.
Who am I? I am your mind, the Brain!
When does life begin?
Some believe it is before we are born, others claim it's when we begin to think.
I don't know for sure you say.
That I can understand.
Why does my body get older yet my mind is timeless?
Again I don't know for sure you say.
The world doesn't revolve around me they say. But why do I feel it's weight upon my shoulders at times?
Again you say you don't know.
How can someone be stabbed and scarred and yet bear not one visible wound?
The answer to these my friend is the brain is a powerful thing.
When the brain animates the lungs and blood begins to flow through the heart is when life begins.
As my body grows older with each passing year. The brain measures it differently my Dear!
My mind takes on fears and worries of those all around and that is the when I feel the world's weight upon my shoulders.
Then my mind allows my heart to love. The pain I feel from that allows my brain to comprehend the wound and cuts of words and deeds that cannot be seen. Scars that are hidden from view but are plain to sense when I try to get near to you.
The brain is a powerful thing!
The brain controls the subconscious which runs my body even when I sleep.
The brain stays nimble and quick as it sharpens it wits, even as I grow old and feeble.
The brain is strong yet can be burdened with stress and depression. Bowing me down under the weight.
The brain controls the tongue that can soothe or maim and leave no wound but guilt and shame.
Isn't the brain a powerful thing?
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