A contingency Plan

What would you do if everyone keeps telling you that having surgery is extremely dangerous?  With that being said you also need to know that if you don't have the operation the cancer is going to spread and will eventually kill you?  Would you elect to have the surgery and hope that the doomsayers are wrong and that everything is going to be alright or would you take the chance of the cancer staying contained and never spreading?    It is a hard question to process and think about and even more of a drag on your mood and emotions.  These are the questions that I am facing.

However, I think that I have made my decision based upon my past experience with cancer and have decided to have the surgery and hope for the best.  However,  my grandmother always told me to hope for the best but plan for the worse that way you will never find yourself in a situation of disappointment.  So I have gone ahead with the plan to have the surgery and have found a surgeon who can do a minimally invasive surgery which doubles my outlook and recovery time.

But as always I have a contingency plan in place in case things go horribly wrong.  I have asked that my doctors do not resuscitate me in the event of heart failure or death under the anesthesia.  If I am on life support I have asked my step mother and father to make sure that the plug is pulled and that I am let go.  I do not want to have a machine doing the hard work for me even if there is a slight chance that I might pull through.  It is my understanding that the longer you are on the machine the harder it is to come back.  Also I am not sure what would come back if my consciousness has already left my body. 

I am a believer that we are energy beings and I believe that all energy exists in the universe and is neither created nor destroyed just changed.  Therefore if my mind checks out, I check out.  I am ready to start the next phase of life. I have been battling this disease for way to long and the journey has been very rough and tiring, I am ready to move on.  I am very tired after fighting for 22 years. 

Now that this is the 5th bout of cancer that I have suffered through I want to just let go but I don't know how to.  Life is all about choices and decisions we make and the consequences that result from them. If we are comfortable with the consequences then the action taken can be seen in light of our own best interests.  Though it may be hard for others to accept the choices we have made, because no one truly understands where you are at in your own personal life which forms the basis for the conclusion you have reached.

In all things you should weigh the risks and make clear choices that help reduce or eliminate the risks you face. So, putting a contingency plan in place is the best option. It shows that you have viewed the scenarios that surround each issue and have made a conscious decision based on predicted outcomes and should something unforseen crop up you have a way to deal with it. It also shows that you have weighed the consequences and have chosen the best alternatives that you see.  Remember that the future is not set in stone and can be changed by a single situation and reaction. Therefore, I suggest that not only do you come up with a plan to deal with the immediate concern, but also any other conceivable outcomes.  This ensures that all contingencies are met and dealt with at the appropriate time and place. You also might want to work on an exit strategy a separate plan that allows you a quick and orderly retreat and allows you to avoid the risk totally if the cost becomes too great for you to accept.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B 

A new Dawn

Last night I swear I was visited by my friend Mary, she kept me up most of the night but helped me work through some very tough and touchy issues that have been brought up in my life.  I keep coming back to her this morning as I sit here listening to Gospel music and thinking about my night.  I am reminded that I am not my illness, I am not my sexual preference, I am human, and I have a face and a name.  I want to remind each of us that we are all important, we each have a voice and a story to tell.  I encourage you to tell your story to anyone who will listen to you.  Because, you never know what the person next to you is going through.   The pain that you have felt  will be conveyed in your story through the power of your voice, and you don't know how much that pain you have experienced will help the next person.  I have told you so many times before that you never know where a casual conversation is going to take you.

I encourage each and everyone of you to reach out a hand of help and support to a stranger today, tell at least one person what you are going through and how you have overcome the past.  See, the courage and strength that you have displayed in your journey may give that person the hope they need to see their way clear of whatever it is that they have going on.  I want you to look at the person you are riding the train next too, the person you past by on the street and see the as a person with a name, problems of their very own, smile at them tell the it is going to be okay.  Because everything passes, nothing last forever and that pain that has you in it's grip right now will soon fade away and a new adventure is awaiting.

Too many times society labels us, puts us in categories, pushes into a box, whether we fit in it or not.  It is societies attempt to understand you and classify you.  But I was reminded just recently that the boxes that society puts us in easily turn into coffins and before we know it we are buried in stereotype and labels.  You are an individual, you are a person, you have a face and a name. You are someone that makes a difference in this world and nothing is going to hold you down and keep you prisoner.  Take back that power that has  been robbed from you by those you once held esteem for, because you are much more than that label that has been placed upon you.

Get yourself together, it isn't as hard as you think. Start with the person you see staring back at you in the mirror.  It is with them that your are going to walk with for the first part of your journey.  They can explain to you your past, help you to come to terms with where you are at and give you some insights into how you came to be in the state that you are in.  Once your road and questions have come to be fulfilled you are going to have to take another journey.  You are going to have to open yourself up and let the Spirit fill you and guide you from there the journey is going to be beyond your wildest imagining.

I have to tell you that if you want to set yourself up for success each and every day all you have to do is wake up and give thanks for all that you have been carried through and all the blessings that have been bestowed upon you.  If you do that you are going to feel so good that a positive mental attitude is the only thing that you can have.  From there as you dress the final accessory of the morning should be a smile upon your face as you walk out the door.  For you are loved, blessed and favored!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Be a Warrior not a worrier!

I was thinking a lot about things that have been going on in my life over the past several months, and I realized something really important.  See back in August I was in so much pain in my back and I didn't have a clue what was going on with me. I had been to the emergency room 19 times and all they ever kept telling me was that I had a back strain.  But, the pain started out as a small pain between my shoulder blades, I thought that maybe I was just extremely tired or since I had just bought the stick shift car maybe it was from all the shifting I had been doing.

I really didn't have too much time to dwell on the pain, because during this same time period, Alicia, Lonnie, Kim, and others kept making random appearances at my apartment and so many things were going to hell in a hand basket and I just couldn't get the situation under control.  It was during this time that I ended up getting arrested 3 times in just a months period.  I was also told by my landlord that I had to move at the beginning of July.  I was running out of time and with my back hurting so badly, I couldn't do much.  For the first 2 weeks, I ended up laying around in bed, and as time started closing in on me.  I began to worry so much that I became afraid. My whole world was crashing down around my ears.  Because of the friends of Kim I ended up being robbed and lost everything important I owned.

Because of my back pain, and the constant visits to the emergency room.  My dad and step mother allowed me to come back to live at their house. I was only there about 2 weeks when I had an MRI which was the very beginning of a long and painful journey.  The morning of the MRI it took me almost 30 minutes to get out of bed.  When I finally got out to the living room, my father noticed that something was wrong and asked what the matter was. I told him that my back hurt so bad that I wasn't sure I could drive to the appointment.  When I got to the imaging center it was all I could do to get in the door and walk up to the desk. The receptionist noticed how I was walking and rushed to get me a wheel chair.  I even ran into two close friends while I was there and was in so much pain that I couldn't really even talk to them to let them know what was going on.

Time clicked by so slowly, and my mind was running through all these different scenarios.  I was worrying and worrying the longer it took the more heavy the weight on my shoulders became.  Long story short I was wheeled into the MRI room, the tech put me on the table, the machine was made only one pass when the tech came back and helped me up saying that the radiologist needed to talk to me.  I was wheeled in to the guys office and he promptly asked me how I got to the imaging center.  I told him that I drove, and he asked me if there was someone that could come and pick up my car and get me to the hospital ASAP.  The image that he showed me had an infection centered in the thoracic spine, it appeared to be through the center of my spine and right into my spinal column.  I was told that the infection was so severe and was strangling my spinal cord and that if I didn't get treated immediately I could become paralyzed for life.

I stayed in the hospital for 14 days, and given IV antibiotics, it is here where I learned that I needed to be a warrior and not a worrier.  See I was freaked out because once I got to the hospital, my legs gave out and I had to have my dad get a wheel chair and for the next 2 months, I couldn't get them to move at all.  The antibiotics worked slowly and because of that I ended up having to go to a nursing/rehab facility for continued IV treatments.  I was admitted at night to the facility and by the time I got settled in it was after midnight.  So I didn't get to meet anyone at that time.  But at 8 am the next morning I was assaulted by a myriad of people, nurses, doctors, cna's, administrators, therapists.  All the information overloaded my mind but the one thing that struck home and hit me squarely between the eyes was what the physical therapist said. She told me that she was sorry but I was never going to walk again.  Now, as you can imagine this was my fear from the beginning.

That night as I lay in my bed and continued worrying.  I decided to pray instead of letting my mind run away with me.  The head can only take so much information and process it, the shoulders can only stand so much weight before you feel like the world was resting on them.  The weight was overwhelming I felt like nothing was ever going to be the same, that I was stuck and I would never be able to move again, both figuratively and literally.  So I did the only thing I knew what to do, I turned to God in prayer.  I prayed continuously through the night, and when the sun broached the horizon and sunrise started. A peace descended upon me, it was like something I never felt before, and I had the calm assurance that if I did all I could on my own, I would be rewarded and I would get my legs back.  So when therapy came in to start my rehab, I diligently did as I was told.  Then that afternoon I started going back to the gym, this was a routine that I established.  I would drag myself up on the balance bars, and I would shuffle along.  I literally taught myself to walk again.  I prayed diligently and had the calm reassurance that I was going to be healed.

It took me 3 weeks to start walking with a 2 wheeled walker and 3 to 4 weeks later I had graduated to the 4 wheeled walker.  and just 2 weeks after that I graduated to a cane.  I used that for 2 weeks before I had a fall in the parking lot and they put me back to the 4 wheel walker.  But when I was finally released from the home 18 weeks later. I went home using only the cane.  I continued to pray and do the exercises that I was taught in the home.  I am now off of any type of walking assistance, and I have stopped taking the pain medication.  I do go back there to visit my friends and staff members that work at the home every Sunday. this past Sunday my friend Jonathan and I went back to the home and every one there was amazed at the progress I have made.  My back is straight, and my posture is good, and they keep telling me that I am looking so good.  I am pleased and excited by the progress I have made, but I am not surprised because I knew in my heart all those months ago that I was going to be healed and I was.

See, don't let your worry over life add weight to your shoulders, because if you keep worrying the weight will pile up and before you know it you won't be able to move.  See worrying is never an answer, it will lock you into place.  You can't get past it and it weighs you down and make it hard to think.

What am I trying to tell you?  I am telling you that if you go from worrier to warrior your life is going to be so much better. You will also find that by leaving your problems and concerns at the feet of Jesus you are no longer weighed down by all those heavy thoughts and worries.

Practice praying daily, give all your concerns, problems and desires over to the Lord and you will begin to experience a brighter countenance and life seems to be easier to get through. I challenge you to stop being a worrier and  become a pray warrior and you will see changes in your life and miracles all around you.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

What is going on in the minds of young people today?

I got a disturbing phone call from my friend in Ft. Lauderdale this morning, and it again pointed me in the direction of what is wrong with our youth and young people today.  The other day's post was also from a young person (girl in that case) but these two topics have brought me full circle to a thought that has been going around in my head for several days. What is going on with the young people today? Why do they think that someone owes them something? Why are they trading on their looks and not trying to earn an honest living? Why do they think that they can live off of another person?  How is it that they can sleep comfortably at night knowing that they are using other people for their own survival, habits, and gain?  What is the allure of the porn industry to these young men and women that keep them thinking that they are going to make a fortune in the industry. Do they honestly know how the industry works?  I am going to attempt to explore all of this and a bit more in this article and you chime in and tell me if you agree/disagree or what your opinions are on this subject.  Keep in mind that I am writing this from my perspective, and from my own vast experiences dealing with a group of young African-American men in Atlanta and again in Florida before I moved to Atlanta.  I am coming from my past experiences and this has no reflection or bearing on individuals that I have been dealing with this year.  I will also explain why I have made this distinction and where my mind and heart is at in this entry.

It seems like there is an increasing trend in today's youth to think that by dating an older person that they are going to be taken care of.  It is almost like they feel that they are owed something. They refuse to work or to better themselves.  In my past I have dated or supported almost everyone I have ever gone out with. The exception to that was Joe, we worked together, we built up a home, we had a rental property, and eventually started several businesses together.  This how I think a relationship should work. That the two people in it, meet each other half-way.  But many of the younger African-American men that I have dated, rather smoke weed, run the roads, hang with friends then actually work.  It seems like the seek out older white men and exploit them.  Now, before anyone gets upset or defensive about this, remember I am taking this from my own past experiences, and this is not trying to say that ALL African American males do this.  I do not want to make a sweeping generality like that.  I want you my readers to understand where I am coming from and exactly the types of people that I mean.  Because in all honesty it is the younger generations that are out there trying to find the easy way. It really isn't a matter of race at all.  They could be black, white, purple, green, red,  or any other spectrum and still there is a certain percentage of the population that tries to find the easy way out, they trade on their looks to get what they want.  They have the ability to sweet talk their way in and keep themselves there.  Some even have the ability to convince complete strangers that they are in need and get them to buy them whatever they want or need from the store.  I have seen it done.  I have an ex named Bobby who I have talked to you about in earlier blog entries that can do that.  He calls it panhandling, I call it a gift, because no matter what that boy wants he can get another person to buy it for him, and he always seems to have money in his pocket, and during our time together never had to work.

Others, use their body and sell their sexual services to others, or try to make a break into the porn industry or modeling.  They do not understand how cut throat that world is, or how competitive.  Nor do they understand all the ramifications of doing that type of work, the long hours, the way the pay actually works, and the additional services that are required of them. The traveling, the hustling that goes along with it, signing tours where you have to sometimes go out on dates and end up having sex with the clients.  How, especially in the gay porn industry how one screen shot of you can be used over and over again and you are only paid for the initial shot.  Money can be made doing it, but the work and toll is tremendous, and most young people burn out on it very quickly.  Modelling is another career where people think it is glamorous and fun and games, but is actually hard work, you have to have a certain look, the way your hair is styled and makeup is done, will be determined by the directors, photographers, and agencies.  Many of the younger female models end up with inferiority complexes, eating disorders and exhaustion.  Both lines of work are grueling and extremely demanding both physically and mentally.  They warp a person and change them from what they were, and if you deviate from the standard norm, you are released with nothing else left.

In my experience you cannot get nothing for nothing, every job you set out to do requires dedication and work, effort on the part of the participants, and for most young people today, they aren't expecting that, and when the going gets too intense and tough for them they cut an run.  Education is a key to all of this, the more you educate yourself and plan for a career outside of the above mentioned fields will give you an alternative to fall back on.  But people are always looking for the easy way out of things, they shy away from hard and intense labor, and they feel that it is beneath them to try and do other things. So they resort to trading on their looks and looking for vulnerable exploitable people.  Some try turning to selling drugs, they think they get good at it, until they are caught.  Most experiment with drugs and think they know everything there is too know about dealing and selling the stuff, and trust me it is a whole new world with a whole different set of rules.  I know from past experience, I sold all types of drugs for a period of time, and know exactly what I am talking about.  It seems that young men are more likely to fall into these categories then younger women.

There also seems to be a trend in younger ethnic groups to fall into the drug trade, hustling, prostitution and other types of scamming.  Such as stunting, which is a slang term for identity and credit card fraud. In my past I have dealt with quite a few young African American guys that are involved in stunting, they don't think that they are hurting anyone, but the fact of the matter is, is that it does hurt the people they are stealing from, it destroys their credit and will turn back on the stunters in a harsh way.  More and more laws are being passed to protect people from identity theft and the penalties for committing it are harsh, swift and extensive. I have a friend Victor that has gone to jail three times for this type of crime and it isn't pretty.  Life is hard enough without someone coming along and stealing what you have or what you have built up for your future security and a good credit rating will go far toward helping you achieve financial security.  What is troubling to me is that younger men seem to be more inclined to look for the easiest way to make a buck and damn the consequences involved.  I am happy to say that my friend Victor has decided to turn his life around and went back to school and is now willing to work for a living versus stealing.  Trust me when I tell you he is happier now, and doesn't have to sit in jail or prison.  What he buys he owns, and it is a totally rewarding experience.

Now here is what I know, younger males that fall into this category usually come from broken homes, where neither parent have gone to school, they are not familiar with the educational programs that are available to them. They are born or raised in severely depressed economic situations are are searching for or striving for a way out and off the streets.  Some as I have said turn toward, prostitution or hustling, and they don't care if they are having sex with men or women, they usually have some sort of addiction either drugs, or alcohol or both.  They see others like themselves turning to gay porn or porn in general and think they can handle it and start off looking for a way in.  Typically it is easier to get into gay porn than other types but both have an allure and fascination that is appealing.  There is a misguided notion that a person can become rich in the porn industry, but the sad truth of the matter is the only one that is getting rich is the production company, producers and directors.  Actors/actresses and film crew do get paid, but nowhere near their worth.  Males that find them selves out hustling and prostituting end up usually identifying themselves as straight, but in actuality they are gay for pay.  Or just plain bi-sexual, they keep their activity on the low, because they don't want their friends, family and other people to know what they are really about. They try to lead dual lives and it ends up messing with their heads, they have a tendency to lie so much to everyone it becomes second nature and they use what they have to exploit others. I have even had one person tell one of my friends once that he was going to make me fall in love with the dick and then rob me for everything that I had. Fortunately for me I have been around those types of people enough to see it coming.  But it gets to a point that lying, stealing and cheating becomes automatic for them and they don't know how to turn it off.

Once any type of pattern or behavior becomes so ingrained in you that it becomes a matter of habit, there is no way to turn it off. You end up working or hustling everyone and everything, which in turn hurts those you really care about. Meaningful relationships become extremely hard to carry on because you can't be honest with what you do, you have lied so much you have problems stopping them as well.  People catch on to those lies eventually and your credibility is hurt.  I have known some young men to end up in relationships with older gay men thinking that they are going to be taken care of, they hide the fact that they are bisexual, or they are open about it, but always seem surprised when the gay man gets upset when they are caught sleeping with a female.  I had another boyfriend who was also named Bobby, who was very much like that, he wanted to live with me, have me support him, but wanted to be able to date and screw whatever girls he wanted to.  He never really understood why it hurt me and upset me, when he would bring those girlfriends around. As a matter of fact he would introduce me to his girlfriends as his uncle.  Which sort of worked out because my nephew Kodi was his best friend and living with me at the same time.  However, last year Bobby came back to GA where I was living, I had actually gotten an apartment in East Point because that is where he wanted to live, when he came back from North Carolina he brought his girlfriend with him.  For months I was able to keep the secret from her that Bobby and I were ex's, however, Bobby got mad at me for going out and partying and would also get upset when I was doing drugs and sleeping with others, it got to the point where he started fighting with me and the police were called and he ended up having to spend sometime in jail.  During the time that he was in jail, a friend of mine told his girlfriend the truth of the matter and made the situation very messy.  In the end we all lost out because I lost the apartment and everyone had to move.  The damage was done.

Let's continue using Bobby as an example, because he is a typical case in point. He still has feeling for men, me in particular, but has his girlfriend, he wants the best of both worlds.  He told me over and over again, that he wanted me and a girl that we both could love and be in a relationship with both of us.  Honestly, I don't know if he will ever be able to find that in life.  I also realize that even now after a year of being back out in the world away from my help and support that he still isn't working, he is still running game and trying to chase paper the only way he knows how and that is by using and exploiting other people.  He has at times called me and asked me if he could come back or come and stay with me for a while just till he can get back on his feet.  What I know from past experience is that he won't change, he will not get a job, and that him getting on his feet and doing something for himself isn't going to happen.  See I had gotten him into school and instead of going to classes and actually trying college, he decided it was more fun to go out and party with his friends and get high.  His girlfriend Von is still with him and is trying to get him to do better for himself but he is resistant to change, he is used to doing things his way, and because he has a great body and extremely good looking he uses that to get what he wants.

I have often told you that we are creatures of habit, that we follow patterns, and that we are the sum of our experiences.  The reason why I am bring this up again is that as you can see from the few little examples I have given above it is easy for a person to fall into a routine that they are comfortable with and that they know. It is easier for them to continue in that pattern and struggle than to try and break out of it and do something different or unknown.  The unknown is scary, it is hard to understand the risks of doing something different if you don't have the base knowledge or skills, so you continue doing what you know because it is easy for you.  The problem is there will come a time when you are no longer young, attractive and desirable, then what are you going to do?  You have to have a back up plan, something to fall back on.  Just because something is easy at first doesn't make it right or good, and sooner or later all the lies and cheating is going to catch up to you and you are going to have to pay for it.  Nothing comes without consequences, every choice you make, action you take has a direct and opposite reaction.  Karma will come back and bite you in the ass when you least expect it, and you are going to have to atone and pay for everything you have done to others.  It isn't going to be pretty!  But what happens to those that are with you and around you when Karma comes a calling?  They are going to be affected by it too.

I have often wondered why it was so hard for people to get off the street.  I had no idea what they were going through and how that life can pull you into a routine that is so subtle and blinding that it can actually keep your there, till I was on the streets myself last year.  Now I know from first hand experience how you can very easily get trapped in that life, how you can steal, stunt, hustle and still never make it off of them streets.  As I have explained in other blog entries I know exactly what it is like because, I personally allowed myself to experience the streets first hand.  I stayed on them for 6 months, I survived and I did what I had too to survive.  I am not happy at what I did or the people I hurt while doing it, but I do understand the allure and the way it can hold you down.  I am thankful for my experiences, I learned a lot, I also know that the resources that are out there to help people on the streets are being exploited. How easy it is too let your priorities get out of focus and out of alignment, how you can run the streets looking for your next high or fix.  I have been there experienced it and got out.

As you can tell this article is mostly about the young gay/bisexual males that I have encountered in my travels and in my life, because that is the life I am familiar with. What most of you aren't aware of is the fact that I am intimately familiar with the inner workings of the Gay Porn industry, at several points in my life, I have been involved, owned, produced and filmed gay black porn, have exploited the young men and made money off their efforts.  I am still co-owner and partner to a production company now that my ex and I still own.  He operates it now in GA and I am in Florida.  However, I also watched how he would go out and turn tricks, have massage clients, and would sell them drugs, how in the long run he never actually made any money from doing those things because both him and I were constantly paying for our own habits and drugs.  So when I talk to you about these things I am coming at it with an understanding of the inside of the industry, how the drugs are utilized to enhance the feelings and make for a better picture, how these young men get hooked on them and think that they are accomplishing something, and how those addictions can take away the money that they make faster than lightning.

So lets go back and see if I answered all the questions I set out to explore when I started writing this: What is going on with the young people today? They are trying to do whatever they can to get off the streets and resort to doing what they are familiar with and know best. Why do they think that someone owes them something? I don't think it is really about who owes them something as much as it is the only way they know how to deal with the situation they find themselves in.  They see what other people are doing and try to emulate them in order to make it better for themselves, they end up lying and hurting people, which was never their intention it just happened to work out that way. Why are they trading on their looks and not trying to earn an honest living? It is easier to fall back on what they know then to take a leap of faith and step out into the unknown.  Plus, some are not even familiar with how to get back in to school, or have dropped out thinking that they knew a better way to make a living, but didn't count on it trapping them in a pattern that they couldn't break out of.  Why do they think that they can live off of another person?  They find that their looks opens doors for them, and they think they can trade on that.  They are familiar with how to use their bodies and sexual skills and trade on them.  Using a person is just a side effect and not the purpose at first.  Then they figure out how easy it is to exploit other peoples good will and actions and turn them to their own advantage.  They have become accustomed to having to lie to get what they want, it has become second nature to them.  When someone decent and honest comes along they can't stop the deceitful behavior and it causes a rift to form and someone always gets hurt. How is it that they can sleep comfortably at night knowing that they are using other people for their own survival, habits, and gain? It is a matter of conscience for them, see they are doing the only things they know, they don't understand that their behavior is destructive, hurtful or even deceitful, some may actually enjoy what they do, or might actually care for you in their own way, on their own terms, and if you get involved with them you have to come to accept that and deal with it. What is the allure of the porn industry to these young men and women that keep them thinking that they are going to make a fortune in the industry. Do they honestly know how the industry works? The allure is that they either have met or seen someone they identify with that is in the industry and think it is a piece of cake, that all they have to do is have sex and get paid for it. They are doing that already with tricks and others so they think what the hell, these people get paid big bucks for what they are doing.  What they don't understand is only a limited few ever make it in to the big time, big bucks arena.  The rest get what they can and are constantly being asked to do other things to make money for them.  Honestly, they have no idea what they are wanting to get into, or how it will affect them finding meaningful sustainable relationship now and in the future.

Money isn't everything folks, and I know how hard it is to get off them streets and get back to a place where you feel like you are making it.  How hard it is to come by money these days and how hard it is to find work. Everyone is looking for someone with tons of experience or degrees, and there you are, just dropped out of high school, or finished, but have no skills, your friends are out there pushing dope, working the hoes, or the corners themselves and you don't see any other way.  But there are other ways, and you don't have to exploit yourself or others to get there.

I also want you to keep this in mind.  Education is the key to a brighter and bigger future than you have now, it can open doors to you that you never thought existed.  But also remember that money doesn't cure everything and can't always bring you happiness.  Happiness is a state of being, it is found within yourself and can be very elusive.  A friend of mine posted this on Facebook yesterday and it makes a lot of sense to me and I hope it will help you..YOU CAN HAVE EVERY MATERIALISTIC THING IN THE WORLD AND FEEL UNFULFILLED, YOU CAN HAVE NOTHING AND BE TOTALLY CONTENT.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

A new understanding about unexpected happenings!

The other day we talked about coming through the storms that life throws our way.  How to focus on the light and have faith that God is going to see us through.  I also pointed out that when we least expect it how help comes from unexpected quarters, and when our strength falters it is God who carries us through.  But on top of that I have learned something else.  That with the bad comes the good in equal measure.

With that in mind I want to tell you a little story. It sort of goes hand in hand with the other two entries that I made on Friday.  It is all about how I was so stressed because I hadn't listened correctly to what my landlord was saying.  I heard something and got a little freaked out, thinking that he was changing the terms of our negotiation on the apartment and the deposits he wanted.  Now because of my misunderstanding I caused myself unnecessary panic, anxiety and worry over absolutely nothing. When he came by to have me sign the lease we talked about everything and it all became clear that I had made a mistake by not hearing or listening closely enough to the words he had spoken on the phone.  However, in my own defense when he called me Friday morning I was still in bed sound asleep, and may not have been fully awake.  That doesn't lessen my guilt in this case.

But as I reported in my blog entry on the storm, God enabled my money to stretch just far enough so that all my bills would be covered with a little extra to spare.  Keeping that in mind, this is what happened afterwards.  I had been in a state of panic and dismay all day Friday, doubting that I would make it and praying for a solution.  Which as I had indicated above was made, my money stretched just far enough that all the bills were covered and a tiny bit was left over.  Now, I started worrying about what I was going to eat, and how was I going to have gas for the month, you know typical monthly expenses.  Now, remember that I used the word DOUBT up above.  God can only work with us if we are open and receptive to His will and His terms, right?  You bet'cha, but this is what happened.  In the midst of my worrying and doubting I forgot to pray about this other worry and problem.  So Saturday morning I got up, was invited to my parents house for a cookout to meet my new stepbrother that is visiting from Ohio.  I had already met with the landlord and my fears were laid to rest there, he went over the agreement with me, we discussed my financial ramifications and everything was satisfactory.  I got to my parents house and was told that I had some mail in on the counter, went in to look at it and guess what I found?

Believe it or not, after all the worrying and doubting, answered prayer and the clearing of my own personal storm of my own making.  There was an envelope there that was addressed to me from the United States Treasury department.  Inside the envelope was a check for 100.10 for an over payment to the VA Administration for medication that I was billed for and paid.  Apparently with my condition and financial situation I qualify for my healthcare through the VA without co-pays a this point till my income changes.  So that little bit of money that I had increased enough to make it comfortable for me for the month.  I have food in the refrigerator and cabinets, a half a tank of gas, and only spent 40.00 from what I had.  That is when a new dawning hit me.  See, God provides, even in times of doubt and worry, He has got our back and when we are faced with a storm, whether one of our own making or one of the many that life throws at us, we are going to be taken care of.

Further, for every bit of good that we receive we have to experience the same amount of bad.  Which means for every bit of bad we survive and go through we are going to be rewarded with a little bit of goodness and fortune.  I should have realized this it is call the Law of Opposites and has been known for hundreds of years.  It took a simple little misunderstanding and a whole day of worrying and fretting to figure it out first hand and experience it.  As I said when I opened this entry, that when we keep our eye on the light, or God while in the midst of a storm, we are going to be delivered through it and from an unexpected corner help is going to come when we least expect it or are looking for it.

I hope that each of you keep this in mind, because it really is something that you can trust and believe.  Every time things get tough and I don't know how I am going to pull through a little miracle like that happens too me.  Now my pastor says that I am highly blessed and favored and I believe it. But that doesn't mean I should shirk my responsibilities or forget that I need to thank God for each and every blessing, because if I did that my personal and intimate walk with Him would be hurt.

Things happen too us for a reason, sometimes those reasons are self-evident other times they are not.  You have to understand where you are at and what you have been through to understand why you are going through what you are now.  We learn from these storms, and trials and if we do it right we also grow from them and have a greater understanding of the world and the way things work.  We are always rewarded for faithful service, and perseverance. We are never left to fend off things alone and that should renew our hope and faith.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

On Your Darkest Day

I can see the storm clouds gathering, I know it is going to be a beaut.  Full of howling fury and torrential rains, lightning that is going to burst the gray and heavy leaden clouds.  The sun is hidden, twilight has descended upon the world.  Every chore and task is done in grim sullen silence.  There is a heaviness in the air, as if someone has been holding their breathe.  The air is charged with electricity and cold fingers are clutching at your exposed skin.  You have known other storms, you have waded through the high waters and strong winds, and know that you can brave this one as you have all others.  Your secret is that you plod along keeping your focus on the tasks at hand, knowing that the quicker they are done the faster you can return the the warmth and safety of your house.  You know in the back of your mind that the warm glow of the fire will chase the chill away, your favorite chair is there waiting for you, and no matter the gale and force that assails the world your four walls are a sanctuary and solitude against its marauding onslaught.

Home is where the hearth and heart reside, it is where we feel safe from all things. You have stored up your prized possessions there and know that they are safe and secure. Just as you feel safe and secure there.  You let nothing and no one disturb that solitude and place of refuge. It is your shelter, your safe harbor and your own.  Time has no meaning there, it is as if it matters naught while you are inside.  For, your comfort, rest and peace is all important within those walls.  Each of us needs a place like this, a place we call home and our own. We need a shelter and refuge from the storms of life.  But we also need to know that when the storms befall us, that there are still things that must be done, we need to muddle through them the best we can, and make it back to our haven of rest and security.

The storm that I am talking about above can be a physical storm or a mental one.  When you are fraught and worried about bills and other things your security and safety may feel threatened. You have to work still and endure the storm, but if you keep your mind on the task and keep the thought of your haven in your mind you will be able to make it through.  In today's economy money never seems to stretch the distance, and each of us goes through each day and week worrying how we are ever going to make it through the storm.  Despite how dark and threatening the clouds may look and how hard the wind is blowing, you know that you can succeed. It might take everything you got but you can do it.  Despite your doubts and reservations, a way will be presented to  you and though it may be difficult and tough you can weather through.

Even when despair is looming over your shoulder and filling your mind with doubts.  Search the darkness and the sky, look for that glimmer of light that can just barely be seen. Focus your mind on that and plod on.  Strive for the light, try to reach it with all your might, and when your strength seems to flag, do not despair because help is near.  You may not see it, or recognize it's presence but trust me it is there close at hand.  Give it your all, give your strength and will to the fight and be victorious, because you know it will happen.  Light dispels the darkness, chases away the shadows, and will eat away at the doubts and depression that are filling your mind.  It is that speck of light in the distance that gives you hope, and pulls you ever onward toward it.

Today was a dark day for me, it seemed like everything I had thought and believed was falling apart.  I was contacted by the landlord and told that I owed 200 more than I had thought, and I scurried around in a tizzy wondering how I was going to cover the extra expense. I was weary and warn by worry and thoughts that I might fail, it seemed as if my life were being tossed on a dark and violent sea, ravaged and torn by a mighty storm, but in the distance I had a faint hope that something would change and make the situation more bearable.  At 5pm tonight the light broke the horizon and shone brightly down on me. I could now see the edges of the storm and I knew that I had journeyed through.  See at 5 this evening I got a call that I have been waiting for for several weeks if not longer. It was a call from my partner, my friend and lover, who told me that he had weathered his own storm and had finally made a decision. Reach the end of an epic journey and at the end was me.  Though things might be tough for me for a little while I know now that I can wait it out that he will soon be joining me and when he does things won't be so tight anymore.  I told him what was happening and what I was going through and how I was worried that I might have to rent out the extra room. That I didn't think that I could make ends meet on my own and that I was hurting because I wanted to make everything work out alright and not have to struggle.

What he said is that he is coming down here, that he would be able to help me and pay half the rent, which is going to end up helping me out and get me back on track with everything else.  He was the hope and the light that I was focused upon.  His announcement that he was coming and wanted to be with me made every struggle, pain and doubt all worthwhile.  For him to acknowledge and tell me that he still loved me and wanted me made all the difference. Once those words were said the heaviness in the air seemed to break, the charge also seemed to disparate and I felt relief.  See I can weather anything as long as I know that I am loved and wanted, that help is on the way.  That I won't have to struggle alone, and that it won't be long till I see his face and hold him close.  These are the things that have brought me joy.

So even on your darkest day when everything feels wrong and all full of disarray, look for the light, seek it out, though it might be dim and far from you, cling to it strive for it.  You will be surprised at how it feels when you reach it and victory is in your hands.  There is always light, and always hope even when your world feels like it is breaking apart. You may have to look for it, mount a search and head in its direction, for in the light comes your help your rest and respite.  The storm won't last forever, and if you are holding on to the light your hope and might will out last the darkest and mightiest of storms.  With in the light you will find your home your place of rest and refuge, the help you seek and the walls to withstand the assault.  They say it is always darkest before the dawn, but it is also the darkest before you are found.  Fear and doubts can cloud your mind and judgment and make you take the wrong path, you can get lost and mired down, but if your eyes are on the light, you are sure to make it through. Help and rest is in the light just like your waiting chair and roaring fire.  In your darkest times and darkest hour God will send you help and strength to fight. You are never alone, and if your feet should falter or your mind a fright with fret, the Lord will carry you. He is our rock and are fortress, He sends His champions and angels to guide us and help us, even if we cannot see them they are all about, you cannot fail or falter if you have Him in your heart.

Today was a rough and dark day for me, I thought and was fraught with doubt and fears, and didn't think I would be able to stay in my home, that I would have to give it up that I wouldn't be able to make ends meet that I had bitten off more than I could chew, and as these thoughts were assailing my brain, I began to despair and wondered how I would make it through, that is when God sent my partner to call me.  We hadn't spoken in almost a full month, and I felt and was worried I was on my own.  Just as those thoughts entered my mind my phone rang and all my fears were laid to rest.  Before the New Year my partner will be here.  I know I can hold out to till then, and though it might be tight and tough, I know without a shadow of doubt that I will be delivered and I will survive.

God sometimes tests us, gives us challenges to see how we react, but He won't ever give us more than we can bear, and though I had my doubts, He made it clear that the end was drawing near.  God still answers prayer and works miracles in our lives, we just have to be open and receptive to receive them.  We have to look hard into the darkness to spot the light sometimes but it is always there.  Just as a storm isn't permanent neither is a problem.  Both shall pass away and a calm will be left behind in its wake.  Wait for the calm and know that you are favored and blessed because God will deliver you, just have faith and wait and see.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Shutting down and closing yourself off should never be an option!

Last night I talked about some of the issues I have been facing.  How I have felt alone and dead inside because the one person I want to share my issues with has closed themselves off and has shut down. He is trying to deal with his own health issues on his own. He has shut down and cut himself off from his family, friends and loved ones, he has isolated himself to try and deal with his problems on his own.  I have reached out sent text messages, left voice mails, tried calling, even resorted to emails and emailing him via Facebook. His isolation has made me feel alone, lost and has caused me to worry more than he can possibly imagine at this point.  It has also kept him from participating in what has been happening with me. I am sure that he has gotten my messages, and knows that I have been in the hospital twice, that I have gone to see my surgeon, and have a doctors appointment tomorrow afternoon.  But, what he doesn't know is what I have found out so far, and how it is going to impact our relationship.  What he also hasn't come to realize is that by cutting me out and isolating himself from me he is cutting his lifeline, keeping him from using the knowledge and experience I have in the matters he is going through.

See I am a firm believer in talking, communication to me is the key to everything in life. When we talk about our problems and issues with others we gain perspective, and the mountains we have made out of the molehills take on a very different shape. By discussing our problems with others we begin to realize that maybe our issues aren't as big and as scary as they were when we were trying to deal with them on our own.  By confiding in others, giving them the trust of our openness we find that we have a support network that we can fall back on, that we are not alone in our fight, and we are now open to suggestions, knowledge and guidance that may help us navigate the issue at hand.  I know what I am talking about here. I have 20 years of dealing with illness, I have a great network of family and friends that I can call on to help me tackle the problems that arise.  I know how important it is because I also need help from time to time to navigate the pitfall, stumbling blocks and hazards that life throws at us.

I can help my friend with his problems because I have been there. I know what he is going through, the emotions he is feeling and I can protect him and help him navigate and find the best care out there to treat what is happening with him.  But, I also realize that his shutting down is his coping mechanism, his defense against a threat that is bigger than himself, and how he is handling and mitigating his fear.  But knowing these things doesn't help me feel less helpless and alone in this situation. See we are a couple, a partnership, and he should be able to confide in me, trust me with his fears, concerns and what is happening with him.  I can be his rock, his guidance and inspiration in this fight. I want him to know that he isn't alone, that he is the one person and thing that keeps me going in my own battle. I want to repay that by being his!

I know that sometimes it is hard to see the forest because all we can see is the trees before us.  I know that we can lose our way and get lost if we aren't watching where we place our feet.  But, I also know that we all need someone, we don't always know what to do or how to react to information that is thrust upon us.  Talking and communicating with others helps us with that.  It also keeps us grounded and focused on ourselves and what we need to do to solve the issue or problem.  We don't have to fight any fight alone, we have those around us that are more than willing to share in our pain, adventure and life if we just give them the opportunity.  Maybe it is pride, or fear that keeps us from opening up. Maybe it is the mistaken thought that if we don't say what we are facing out loud, if we don't consciously think about it, will make it less real and less threatening.  Trust me those are fantasies, what we are experiencing is real and no matter what we wish or hope it isn't going to go away on it's own. We have to face them with courage, hope and conviction that we are going to win and survive.  Keep a positive attitude and outlook will go a long way in making the situation bearable and manageable, but we have to get there and gain that perspective. It just doesn't magically appear.

Give voice to your doubts, turn to your friends and family, let them help you and guide you through whatever it is that you are going through, you are going to be happier if you do. You will feel less vulnerable, you won't feel isolated and alone, let them help you carry the burden, because you shouldn't have to deal with the weight of the issue by yourself.  Keep yourself open to the ideas and opinions of others, because they may give you an insight or inspiration that you might have otherwise missed.  A different treatment plan or way to handle the situation, because we each see things differently and from different perspectives.  Try looking at the problem or issue through another persons eyes and you will understand what I am talking about here.

Also if you are in a relationship with someone you cannot expect them to sit idly by and let you deal with the issue on your own.  You have to understand that they already feel powerless to help you, they see the pain that you are carrying and they know that they can do nothing to alleviate it and make it better.  But what they can do is be there for you, they can be the shoulder that you cry upon, they can lend you their strength, support and wisdom, and they can help you find the right answer.  You owe it to them to give them the opportunity.  Keep in mind that a relationship is a two-way street, that it is a partnership, you are supposed to be working together to build something, but you are also there to help one another through the difficult times too.  Give them the benefit of the doubt, talk to them, let yourself embrace their love, warmth and support.  Listen to them, let them help you carry the burden and lessen your load.  It will make it easier for you to heal and get better if you aren't weighed down with the stress and weight of the situation all by yourself.

I posted several weeks ago on Facebook a message to my partner, I know he knew it was for him, just as I know that most if not all of his posts are meant specifically for me. Others, may not even know that we are dating or a couple but we know it, and we have a short handed way of talking to each other even when we aren't really talking.  It helps us realize that we are in it together. But in my post I reminded him that we are a partnership and that I wasn't a silent partner, but a full sharing member. I was hoping he would get the point that I am here for him and always will be. Even if we weren't dating and didn't have plans to be moving in together soon. I would still be there for him. See when I tell you I am your friend, I am your friend no matter what. I will be there for you and you can count on me. I am not going anywhere.  I promise you I am your friend till the very end.  If I open my mouth and I say the words I love you, you better know that I mean them, because those aren't words that I say to everyone, and they have a special meaning for me. They are words of binding, and if I love you, that means I am with you, and only you.

I know if you have read my other posts in the blog I mention that the human heart is the only heart I know that has the capacity to love more than one person, it is also the only heart I know that can love someone unconditionally.  We have the ability to accept a person, their good parts and when we do that and we are truly in love we never even notice or see the bad parts of them.

If you ever find yourself in the same situation that I find myself in, be sure you let your friend or partner know that you are there for them, give them the space and time they need to come to the realization that you are sincere, you are for real and that you aren't going anywhere. Because often times we let our past experiences color our thoughts and ideas about our present, and we can't do that. Remember no two people are the same, and no two experiences are exactly the same no matter how similar they may actually seem.  If someone has left you in the past when you have confided in them or have asked for their help, that doesn't mean that everyone is going to do the same to you.  You have to accept people at face value. Keep in mind that actions always speak louder than words.  I know from first hand experience that anybody can tell you anything, yet their actions and time will reveal if those words that they have spoke are actually true. I am not saying that at the time they were spoken they weren't true, because they probably were. But, their strength and the strength of their character may be weaker than they thought. See if they follow through and live up to what they have said and promised.  Most people will, but those that don't measure up, let them go, because they aren't the ones you want to have trying to support you in a time of crisis.

I also posted yesterday that the scars of the past are always with us.  They are visible, but just because they are still there doesn't mean that they aren't healed.  By saying this what I mean is that we have gotten past the hurts of our past, and we are reminded of that past by the scars we bear, but just because that scar is there, doesn't mean that ever other person is going to do the same thing to you. You have learned from the mistake, you have healed from it, be open and receptive, the next person isn't going to do the same thing to you, give them the benefit of the doubt and the opportunity to show you that they aren't going to reopen that old wound.  As I have said earlier no two people are the same, neither are two situations, so you getting hurt exactly the same way this time through isn't likely at all to happen.  We also have to stop looking backwards, because we cannot move forward if we are constantly focused on the past.  The baggage of the past needs to also be left in the past, don't keep comparing your current to your past because that would be like comparing apples and oranges, because no two situations are identical.

Please understand that by closing yourself off from your support network of friends and family will seriously limit you from receiving the guidance and wisdom you will need to prevail over your situation. Each person is different and should be afforded the opportunity to prove to you that they are not going to hurt you like the person from your past.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B