My birthday just passed on December 1, 2018 and I reached my 50th birthday. A mark in my personal history that I thought I would never reach. Many of you know my story and my history and have known that I have been sick for a very long time. That almost 27 years ago now I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Large Cell Lymphoma that destroyed most of my Large and Small intestines. I have been lucky and have survived through many things throughout the years. But nothing ever prepares you for the future. It is true that with each illness I have gained knowledge and strength, I have been surprised with the ferocity that the illness returns each time. Even now I am being plagued by internal bleeding and not knowing what is actually wrong and causing it. I have spent most of the month of November in and out of the hospital, had to have blood transfusions and a battery of tests that were inconclusive and didn't shed any light on my recent illness and lack of strength.
2018 has been a strange year for me. It moved fairly rapidly and many things happened that have left me with my head spinning and less of an understanding regarding human nature. It is also true that the strong prey on the weak, and people constantly try to take advantage of the ones that they think are weaker or nicer then themselves. I have been constantly embroiled in a battle since 2010 where I have been continually used and abused by people I struggled to help and who I thought I was doing good by. When I ran into difficulties of my own, I found myself struggling alone and there was no one around willing to help me in the same ways that I had helped them. I bounced around and was struggling constantly battling drug abuse, homelessness and hunger. Several times I attempted to change my circumstances and twice things rebounded on me and I ended up on my own and all alone again.
I lost a lot of friends and acquaintances over the past 2 years to drug overdose and complications to HIV/AIDS it hasn't been a comforting thought. I never thought that I would face such loss. Now that 2018 is drawing to a close I am reminded that some of my very best friends are no longer here. Every one of my family members is sick currently, and none of the prognosis's are good. My father is battling in operable stage 4 lung cancer, and my brother is battling end-stage renal disease, my mother is paralyzed from the waist down and has been extremely sick since June. All of us have been going through hospitalizations and multiple doctor visits.
We also lost my dad's youngest brother in November to Lung cancer and the family is still in shock about that. It is unfortunate that as we get older our bodies tend to weaken and our ability to heal slows and we don't recover as fast as we did when we were younger. It is hard to believe that I am 50 years old now, that I have reached middle age and haven't really grasped the essential concepts of how to live and survive on my own. My entire life I have been constantly surrounded by other people and have been a care-giver. I thought that by now I would have at least learned the basics of survival and living on my own. But unfortunately, somehow I missed those life lessons.
Nothing that I have been through has prepared me for the future that is looming in front of me. I am suffering from the loss of many of my friends and a support network. I am in love with someone that I realize doesn't honestly feel the same way for me. I struggle with depression and dependence issues and I also have a desire to change my outlook on life. With the possible loss of my family closing in on the horizon, I am afraid of what I am going to find when I am all alone. I have never learned how to survive on my own and I struggle daily to overcome my own depression and weaknesses. I am afraid that once I loose my parents I will be totally lost and will not know what to do with the rest of my life.
None of my dreams ever included me outliving my friends, peers or my parents. I thought when I was diagnosed with cancer that it was the end for me but I have survived longer then most other people and I have overcome so many obstacles and outlived so many predictions of my demise. I am not sure what I actually thought my life was going to be like, but this is not what I imagined when I left Orlando the first time and followed Joe Royer to Atlanta. I never imagined in a million years that I would suffer from Colon cancer and that I would become disabled at such a young age. I never really faced the truth of it all preferring to loose myself in drug use and addiction. I surrounded myself by like minded individuals and created relationships and sexual partnerships with those that were lost in that world. I have clung to the tapestry of my life and my existence because I really knew no other way. Now I am back in Orlando, back where it all started and some of the same people that I have known from my past are here as well. I am trying to rekindle those lost friendships and relationships trying to rebuild my life and change the course of self-destruction that I have been on.
I don't understand what the future has in store for me but I know that I don't want to continue down the path that I have been going down for so long. I want to change and by doing so I need to change everything about my life and what I have going on around me. I want my partner to be with me, but if he doesn't want me in the same way that I want him then I am afraid that I am just waisting my time all over again and just setting myself up for heartache and pain. I am going to stop writing tonight and continue this more in morning when I have more time to reflect on my life and situation.
Till we meet again in the morning! Well it is actually a few days later I am picking up where I left off. Today is now the 9th of December and I have gained a few more insights into the world that I was writing about the other day and I wanted to finish up on the topic of Nothing Prepares Us for the Future. From the previous written dialogue you can see that I wasn't given a manual in which spelled out the answers to all of life's problems and made it easier to live by. No after Joe and I broke up my life changed dramatically, I couldn't seem to pull myself together in any way that mattered. I have struggled from that moment on till now, I can't explain it. But the lessons I should have picked up along the way I didn't or maybe have forgotten. I pushed myself further into my misery and drug addiction and as I said surrounded myself by like minded individuals. I lost myself and my direction and it has taken me years to come back to the realization that I am a person and that I do matter and that I do count and that I have purpose and meaning. I still haven't made it back to my go out and get what I want personality but I am striving daily to reach it.
I realized not too long ago that when I left Orlando and went to Atlanta I had a go getter mindset. I saw what I wanted and I set about getting it. Years of being with Joe softened me and then illness struck and I lost heart and hope. I gave up literally because I couldn't see a future with me being the broken and lost person that I was. I suffered and still do at times from the illusion that the Gay lifestyle and world couldn't accept me, that I was a broken person and that I had no place in either gay or straight society. I was hurt and lost, I drifted aimlessly for years feeling sorry for myself and I left so many friends and loved ones behind in my self-pity trip. Luckily many of them have stayed on the edges of my life all these years and I hear from them every once in awhile. But here I am now at 50 and I am looking at my life and wondering where to go and how to begin again. As you may be aware I have never figured out how to give up or surrender. I just couldn't figure out how to stop living, waking up in the morning and going on with life.
For many years I dedicated myself to the service of other people, trying to help out where I could and take care of those that needed it. I threw myself into trying to take care of everyone and being there to help others that were in need. In other words I gave myself over to the service of others and I put their needs ahead of my own. In a sense this worked to give me a purpose and I woke up daily to take care of those that I felt were less fortunate than me and who needed my help. By focusing on their needs I was able to put my own to the back of my mind and focus totally on them. This maybe the very reason why I am still with you today. I selflessly dedicated myself to helping and taking care of others. I created a huge extended family and I struggled to take care of each and every person that I cared about. This may seem crazy to you but I believe that by doing this I was able to live a much longer and fuller life than I normally would have. I believe that my dedication to others is what helped me survive all the sickness and illness that plagued me through the years and helped give me the desired will to survive so that I could continue taking care of those that mattered to me.
Food for thought: We are not able to chose our own family but we do have the ability to create and extended family that we can relate to and who is there to support us and nurture us and we offer similar support back in return. Many of you are in my extended family and I am grateful to have each and every one of you in my life.
As I am looking back on the days that have gone by and I be extremely honest with myself we endured a lot and overcame so many hardships that bonded us together in ways that others just couldn't understand. Despite that we are all separated by distance now and have scattered to the 4 winds. Some of us still in Atlanta, others in California, Florida, Texas, Chicago and other places we are still a family and what brought us together is apart of us forever. Our mutual experiences and the challenges that we faced and overcome together have bonded us in ways that make us irreplaceable in each others lives. No one can take the place you hold in my heart ever and no one will ever be able to replace what you mean to me and how you are a part of me. Each of us has left their mark on the other and that has helped shape us into the people that we have become. I know that it might seem like I was complaining earlier about my life and the losses that I suffered and have endured but the truth is I wouldn't change any of it for the world because if I did I wouldn't be the same person that I am today and you wouldn't be in my life making me a better person.
I may not have learned how to take care of myself and learned how to live alone, but I learned something just as equally important. I learned how to take care and appreciate others, I learned how personal sacrifice and dedication of the heart and spirit to the wellbeing of others is helpful to ourselves. If I hadn't I probably wouldn't be here today. Many of you would have to visit my resting place and wouldn't be able to talk to me like you can today. So let me thank you for helping me learn this lesson and for giving me the strength to carry on when all seemed so hopeless around me. Understand and know that you are the life source that has kept me alive and healthy all of these years.
Now that I am looking toward the future and many of us have been scattered to the 4 corners of the earth I am struck by the over powering desire to reconcile all of my differences with everyone, to apologize for the wrongs that I have done and the sins that I may have committed against you. I want to rekindle the relationships the friendships and bridge the hurts, the harsh words and bitter emotions that might be separating us. I want to be your friend again, and be able to count you as mine and for us to be there for one another because lets face it none of us are getting any younger. We are going to need each other and we once supported one another and will probably need to do it again as we move forward.
I was feeling melancholy when I started writing this entry into my blog, but I am feeling better now that I am drawing to a close. My desire above all else is for us to all come together again in person. I still have a dream that has been with me for a long time now. In the future we are all of going to need a place to call home. Many of you might remember us talking about and joking about me starting a retirement home, I used to call it Mommas Home for Wayward Homosexuals. It is my dream to buy a huge mansion one day and bring all of us who know and love each other back together again and have our own place. A place where everyone has a place there are no expectations, no recriminations and everyone can live out the rest of their lives in happiness and friendship, surrounded by love, light and happiness. This is not an impossible dream or goal and might be something that we could all accomplish together. Creating our own compound where we all live and work together to build a stronger and brighter future for ourselves and where each of us is able to live stress and debt free.
Please let's try and make my dream a reality.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label desire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label desire. Show all posts
Sunday, December 9, 2018
Wednesday, December 27, 2017
Journey Forbidden
The past four years have been difficult and interesting to say the least. I've been evicted from 4 different homes lived on the street twice, during the past two years. I don't know if it's me or the journey I'm on or if it's a combination of things but it's not what I want. I know that I'm not happy, I know that my health has suffered. And that I need a stable environment where I can rest my head.
As the new year 2018 begins I hope to make a new resolution where I am the focus and everyone else takes second place. This will be a first for me, as I have taken care of so many people in the past that it has become a part of my nature to feel the need to take care of others. Yet, as I look back at 2016 and 2017 it pains me to realize that I have put others before me at Great cost to myself and I've lost everything repeatedly. If I was going to do this why am I not at home in Pennsylvania taking care of my mother who is paralyzed from the waist down. Today is a turning point as I realize yet once again how alone I am against the world. Many times I have asked myself when will there be someone who wants to take care of me. When will the person emerge that loves me as much as I love them? The person who can accept my shortcomings as well as my strengths? I had my hopes and expectations raised yesterday only to have them dashed once again by refusal to come with me. For me to yet once again stand alone when all I had hoped for was someone to stand beside me.
All I can tell you is that I put myself in this position. I put myself in love with someone who doesn't care as much about me as I do them he doesn't want to be with me he would rather take time off from the relationship then work on it. Yet he tells me I'm the one who ran away rather than face my problems. Actuality what I was trying to do was get away from being on the street to become stable and productive and create a new beginning for the relationship. This is the first time in 4 years that I ever put myself before the other person but it felt good for me to do something for myself for a change.
By no means am I saying I'm easy to get along with or I'm easy to live with. As a matter of fact I know I'm set in my ways I'm almost 50 and the person that I was seeing is half my age maybe that's where the problem lies, he still wants to party and do things for himself. I'm looking to build a relationship and a future for myself and another person. Maybe he is right maybe we do need to get away from one another for awhile and see what the future holds in store.
Though I find myself once again in the strange and perilous position. There is someone who has shown interest in me, someone who likes me for who I am and wants to be with me. Here's the truth of the situation, I want to better myself, I want to make sure that I don't end up exactly where I have been. I don't want to settle for anything. I don't want to be around all the drugs and the people whom I got away from. Many of those people helped me to the streets, they took advantage of my kindness and goodness and took what they could and left me to fend for myself broken and penniless.
It is time for me to be happy, time for me to focus on me. Yes, I would love to be in a relationship where there is someone who loves me as much as I love them. Someone who really wants to be with me and see me succeed. Someone on whom I can put absolute trust. But, I am scared that this person doesn't exist. That I am kidding myself and setting myself up to be hurt once again. This is my forbidden journey, to explore and find that one soul that completes my own. To know true happiness.
I have worked and struggled all my life. I have watched everything I built come crumbling down around my ears as the years passed by and the cancer remained. It has been 26 long years and I am extremely weary of the struggle and the fight. But, here I am once again pouring my heart out wanting what I have never once found. I have thought I found it in the past. Spent years trying to make things work trying to create my ideal when it may not exist anywhere but in my mind.
Relationships are full of compromises. They are an agreement between two individuals traveling in similar directions to stand together as one and fight and build something together. If there is any hesitation, doubt, fear or other impediment the progress and the union will become unstable and falter. Just as in a fight it takes two, so does a relationship. No more than two and no less. Anymore cause rifts and currents that pull and tear at the foundation and less then two is an individual. I am ready for a real relationship.
You want a chance I am willing to give it but don't screw it up because I am not sure that my heart can take another break. The last person I gave a chance to let me walk away. I came back to get them and they made excuses why they couldn't come. Now, when they have no where else to turn they look for me to come and help yet the help was just there yesterday and they let me go once again. They want me to bring them here this weekend when I offered tomorrow or Friday. What is two more days going to do for them? Will they really be ready then. I don't think so. They are not wanting to stay with my friends who have graciously opened up their home to give us a place to stay. Who are willing to give us time and space to get ourselves together before we have to go off on our own. But he is insistent that he doesn't want to and can't live with other people right now. When I told him that my friend Travis was in the car he didn't want to go out and even meet him. This hurt me.
So I hope that he reads this that he sees what has happened and finally figures out what he wants and needs for himself.
But as for my wants and needs. I want it all. I want everything
I want love, passion, compassion. I want the kissing, hugging, cuddling and most of all I want to be finally happy and I don't think that is too much to ask for at the end of this forbidden journey.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you. May you love hard, laugh often and live fully for life is too short .
Uncle B
Sunday, March 13, 2016
Keep on coming back for more!
No matter how much we fuss and fight with each other we keep coming back for more. The truth is that we can't get enough of each other. You complete the other half of me, the fit might not be perfect but you are the only thing that makes me feel the way that you do.
It is true that I pick and find fault it is just my way of telling you that I love you. but the truth is I wouldn't want you any other way. Love is an impossible creature to hold down and name, but we have tried on so many different names and styles, but is you that I have always dreamed of.
You are my one and only and I hope that I am the same to you. I have found home in your arms and comfort in your eyes. I surrender to you because you are the light I follow in the darkness, I know that in you find safe harbor and rest.
No matter how from you I roam it is you that is always on my mind. I miss your kiss, you touch and your sweet embrace. I count the minutes, hours and days till I see you again. No matter what we have been through I just can't get enough of you.
So, if you were to throw me out the door, I want you to know that I would keep coming back for more. Because you are my Love, light and everything. Yes, it is true I treasure and love everything about you.
As always, my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
It is true that I pick and find fault it is just my way of telling you that I love you. but the truth is I wouldn't want you any other way. Love is an impossible creature to hold down and name, but we have tried on so many different names and styles, but is you that I have always dreamed of.
You are my one and only and I hope that I am the same to you. I have found home in your arms and comfort in your eyes. I surrender to you because you are the light I follow in the darkness, I know that in you find safe harbor and rest.
No matter how from you I roam it is you that is always on my mind. I miss your kiss, you touch and your sweet embrace. I count the minutes, hours and days till I see you again. No matter what we have been through I just can't get enough of you.
So, if you were to throw me out the door, I want you to know that I would keep coming back for more. Because you are my Love, light and everything. Yes, it is true I treasure and love everything about you.
As always, my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
What are you looking for?? Wonder why you can't find it?
Folks how many of you are searching for something to change in your life? How many of you are looking for love? How many of you are looking for something but have no idea what it is? Just last week I told you what I was looking for. Those of you who have been reading my blog know that I have been searching for love in every conceivable place. I couldn't find it, and neither will you. Face it folk you and I have been looking in all the wrong places. The search for love must start within, no one else can give it to you, and it just isn't lying on the ground. Love is a very many splendid thing and if you don't love yourself you can't love anyone else.
Now, I have come to terms with myself, I have found my true self, the self that I gave away in my last relationship, the person that I used to be. I have the confidence and the courage to stand on my own. But I had to dig deep within myself, I had to be brutally honest with myself. No more excuses, no more rationalizations. I had to come clean with my fears, feelings, my desires and my wants. I needed to concentrate on all the things that mattered to me the most. You have to believe me when I tell you that healing comes from within. Forgiveness when given openly releases you from your pain and allows you to gain closure. You cannot hold any grudges in your heart. You have to surrender and let go of all of you, you can't do it piecemeal it is an all or nothing thing.
What I can tell you is that people who have known me for years had to take a second look at me, there is an air about me now that wasn't there before. I hold my head up with confidence, I am once again driven, I have revived my passions, and I have grown. I have to say thank you for those who are in my past, you have helped me grow and become the person that I am today, but change has come upon that person and has made something better than what was there before. I am whole again and I am so happy. I have a spirit of total love and compassion, take a good look at me because the person you see before you now is not the same person who was here before.
I was lost and wandering, I had little or no direction. I was on a path of destruction, I chose drugs to ease my pain and deal with my issues without acknowledging them. By doing so I had set myself up for failure, and came close to dying way too many times. Yet, the part of me that I have found again has given me a new resolve, and inner strength and peace that I cannot describe to you. I can tell you that I have never had a closer walk with God than I do right now. I can see things so clearly now that the haze and the smoke from self-pity and self destruction have cleared away. I have found that life is something that is worth living. I knew in my heart that I had a calling on Earth and a mission that God had planned for me. But I didn't know what it was or how to even find the path that I needed to be on. But something in my life changed recently and I have to tell you that my whole world was turned upside down but once it all started to settle everything was exactly where it needed to be.
Change is in the air and I keep telling people to expect it, but when it happens everyone seems to still be amazed when the change has come upon them. You have to understand that life is a cycle and what was will come again. None of us can run fast enough to escape the change that is coming. No matter what you do you will find yourself in the midst of it before you know what is happening. It moves as fast as the wind and will blow you over you are not going to even know when it is going to happen. As a race humans have a tendency to walk with their eyes downcast, and if you walk like that you miss all the things that are happening around you. If you are wearing blinders you can only see and face that which is directly in front of you you miss everything else that is happening around you. However, remove the blinders raise the head up and your heart will follow. I believe that when we remove the blinders and we start to look up at the sky we can see everything that is happening around us.
The Bible tells us to be of the world but not in the world, and I have been trying for years to balance that walk and be divine in my actions, more often that not I have been pulled into the world and started doing the drugs again. Yet, something is different this time and the temptation is gone. I know that now is the time that for me to start my work again, I don't think that their is a lure out there that would tempt me across that line again, especially since the last time that I tried to do any type of drug I got so sick that I thought I was going to die. It was recently too, and for that I am sorry. I have become my own man, and I think that now is the time for me to begin again.
So often times people look all over for different things, they look for love, friendship, relationships and hope in all the wrong places. It is often elusive and difficult and they loose hope and begin to despair. They forget that God is there and is watching over them. That He has a plan for them and their lives. But what is even more funny is that most of the time the exact thing we are looking and praying for have been given too us and we don't even recognize it. We are actually seeing it and don't realize that our prayer has been answered. So many times the things that we desire the most are right in front of our face and yet we miss it completely.
You don't know how many times I have been looking for a connection with someone, a closeness, a bond that I can't describe in full detail. But I know that things happen for a reason and I have to have faith that God has a plan for me. However, it is funny that I am writing about this today because as I was praying ove the weekend, a dawning realization came over me. I have had what I have been looking for in my life for a very long time and I never even knew it.
But as I posted on Facebook this morning God hears our prayers, sees our plight, knows what we are going through and what we desire. Our prayers are heard and answered on His timetable and not our own. He is never late you can bet on that, He is exactly on time. Just you wait and see. I think you will find that everything that I have said to you is absolute gospel. If it is His will it will be granted unto you when the time is right.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Now, I have come to terms with myself, I have found my true self, the self that I gave away in my last relationship, the person that I used to be. I have the confidence and the courage to stand on my own. But I had to dig deep within myself, I had to be brutally honest with myself. No more excuses, no more rationalizations. I had to come clean with my fears, feelings, my desires and my wants. I needed to concentrate on all the things that mattered to me the most. You have to believe me when I tell you that healing comes from within. Forgiveness when given openly releases you from your pain and allows you to gain closure. You cannot hold any grudges in your heart. You have to surrender and let go of all of you, you can't do it piecemeal it is an all or nothing thing.
What I can tell you is that people who have known me for years had to take a second look at me, there is an air about me now that wasn't there before. I hold my head up with confidence, I am once again driven, I have revived my passions, and I have grown. I have to say thank you for those who are in my past, you have helped me grow and become the person that I am today, but change has come upon that person and has made something better than what was there before. I am whole again and I am so happy. I have a spirit of total love and compassion, take a good look at me because the person you see before you now is not the same person who was here before.
I was lost and wandering, I had little or no direction. I was on a path of destruction, I chose drugs to ease my pain and deal with my issues without acknowledging them. By doing so I had set myself up for failure, and came close to dying way too many times. Yet, the part of me that I have found again has given me a new resolve, and inner strength and peace that I cannot describe to you. I can tell you that I have never had a closer walk with God than I do right now. I can see things so clearly now that the haze and the smoke from self-pity and self destruction have cleared away. I have found that life is something that is worth living. I knew in my heart that I had a calling on Earth and a mission that God had planned for me. But I didn't know what it was or how to even find the path that I needed to be on. But something in my life changed recently and I have to tell you that my whole world was turned upside down but once it all started to settle everything was exactly where it needed to be.
Change is in the air and I keep telling people to expect it, but when it happens everyone seems to still be amazed when the change has come upon them. You have to understand that life is a cycle and what was will come again. None of us can run fast enough to escape the change that is coming. No matter what you do you will find yourself in the midst of it before you know what is happening. It moves as fast as the wind and will blow you over you are not going to even know when it is going to happen. As a race humans have a tendency to walk with their eyes downcast, and if you walk like that you miss all the things that are happening around you. If you are wearing blinders you can only see and face that which is directly in front of you you miss everything else that is happening around you. However, remove the blinders raise the head up and your heart will follow. I believe that when we remove the blinders and we start to look up at the sky we can see everything that is happening around us.
The Bible tells us to be of the world but not in the world, and I have been trying for years to balance that walk and be divine in my actions, more often that not I have been pulled into the world and started doing the drugs again. Yet, something is different this time and the temptation is gone. I know that now is the time that for me to start my work again, I don't think that their is a lure out there that would tempt me across that line again, especially since the last time that I tried to do any type of drug I got so sick that I thought I was going to die. It was recently too, and for that I am sorry. I have become my own man, and I think that now is the time for me to begin again.
So often times people look all over for different things, they look for love, friendship, relationships and hope in all the wrong places. It is often elusive and difficult and they loose hope and begin to despair. They forget that God is there and is watching over them. That He has a plan for them and their lives. But what is even more funny is that most of the time the exact thing we are looking and praying for have been given too us and we don't even recognize it. We are actually seeing it and don't realize that our prayer has been answered. So many times the things that we desire the most are right in front of our face and yet we miss it completely.
You don't know how many times I have been looking for a connection with someone, a closeness, a bond that I can't describe in full detail. But I know that things happen for a reason and I have to have faith that God has a plan for me. However, it is funny that I am writing about this today because as I was praying ove the weekend, a dawning realization came over me. I have had what I have been looking for in my life for a very long time and I never even knew it.
But as I posted on Facebook this morning God hears our prayers, sees our plight, knows what we are going through and what we desire. Our prayers are heard and answered on His timetable and not our own. He is never late you can bet on that, He is exactly on time. Just you wait and see. I think you will find that everything that I have said to you is absolute gospel. If it is His will it will be granted unto you when the time is right.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Friday, March 6, 2015
What is it I am searching for?
I guess I am just like everyone else I am in search of love. But, through my journeys and travels I have begun to realize that Love is not something you find, it is something you give. It is a wonderful feeling when it is returned willingly, and so very painful when it isn't. I have read stories of unrequited love where one loves another, but the other is in love with someone else. As with everything I have been writing to you about, you must start with yourself. You have to do some housecleaning and soul searching to bring yourself to a point of loving yourself, and then you will be capable of loving someone else.
I have been in relationships, some longer than others. Some where I stayed way too long and endured too much. Others where I didn't stay long enough or give the other person the chance they deserved, and those I am sorry for. I have freely given love and rarely had it returned in the same way. I don't feel that anyone truly understands me or gets me, and that can be very frustrating. What I desire is simple really, I don't think I am asking too much, or being demanding with what I desire.
So, in a nutshell here is what I desire, someone who gets me, understands where I am coming from and can stimulate my mind. I want someone who is completely honest with me, no lies, hidden agendas, or half-truths. I want nothing but the absolute truth no matter if it hurts or not. I require someone to love me as much as I love them, someone who is willing to demonstrated it and prove it everyday like I am. Someone who has my back, is my best friend and my confidante, someone I can depend on. Someone who has similar goals as me and wants to help me build a legacy or future for ourselves. A person who doesn't want anyone else but me. I am their desire, the one that completes them and who completes me.
I feel that when you are in love the person you are with, they make you feel whole and when you are away from them you feel broken and weak. They complete you in every sense of the word. Can finish your sentences, knows what you are thinking and feeling with just one look. A person who finds me attractive and doesn't desire to look any further than me. Someone who is strong enough for me to lean on when I am down or weak. A person who isn't afraid to show me their feelings and talks to me about everything and doesn't mind crying on my shoulder and leaning on me for moral support.
Do you think that I am expecting too much? Is there anyone out there that can fill this gap in my life. Or is this just a pipe dream and a fantasy that I will never find. I have been studying people today and everyone is looking for a leg up, an edge, they are looking for the next big thing to boost themselves up and who cares who they hurt along the way. The younger generation is bold and thinks that somebody owes them something, and expect handouts and refuses to work hard for what they get. Most wanna take the short cuts and do stupid things like sell drugs and scam other people.
I have always been attracted to the younger crowd, but I think my tastes are finally shifting and I can say that my preferences are loosening up a bit. Seems I have been harsh in my judgments and have been unfair to some. For that I want to apologize, I should have been more understanding and patient but I wasn't and I lost the person forever. They are now back with their ex and I am all alone.
Funny how life works, but here I thought I had given up on finding love and what am I doing I am writing about it. I was resigned to spend the rest of my life alone and miserable. I felt that no one would accept me with all my medical issues and other limitations that my illness has brought on me. Yet here I am this very evening opening myself back up and trying to start all over again.
Wish me luck and let me know if you see anyone out there that matches what I am looking for.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
I have been in relationships, some longer than others. Some where I stayed way too long and endured too much. Others where I didn't stay long enough or give the other person the chance they deserved, and those I am sorry for. I have freely given love and rarely had it returned in the same way. I don't feel that anyone truly understands me or gets me, and that can be very frustrating. What I desire is simple really, I don't think I am asking too much, or being demanding with what I desire.
So, in a nutshell here is what I desire, someone who gets me, understands where I am coming from and can stimulate my mind. I want someone who is completely honest with me, no lies, hidden agendas, or half-truths. I want nothing but the absolute truth no matter if it hurts or not. I require someone to love me as much as I love them, someone who is willing to demonstrated it and prove it everyday like I am. Someone who has my back, is my best friend and my confidante, someone I can depend on. Someone who has similar goals as me and wants to help me build a legacy or future for ourselves. A person who doesn't want anyone else but me. I am their desire, the one that completes them and who completes me.
I feel that when you are in love the person you are with, they make you feel whole and when you are away from them you feel broken and weak. They complete you in every sense of the word. Can finish your sentences, knows what you are thinking and feeling with just one look. A person who finds me attractive and doesn't desire to look any further than me. Someone who is strong enough for me to lean on when I am down or weak. A person who isn't afraid to show me their feelings and talks to me about everything and doesn't mind crying on my shoulder and leaning on me for moral support.
Do you think that I am expecting too much? Is there anyone out there that can fill this gap in my life. Or is this just a pipe dream and a fantasy that I will never find. I have been studying people today and everyone is looking for a leg up, an edge, they are looking for the next big thing to boost themselves up and who cares who they hurt along the way. The younger generation is bold and thinks that somebody owes them something, and expect handouts and refuses to work hard for what they get. Most wanna take the short cuts and do stupid things like sell drugs and scam other people.
I have always been attracted to the younger crowd, but I think my tastes are finally shifting and I can say that my preferences are loosening up a bit. Seems I have been harsh in my judgments and have been unfair to some. For that I want to apologize, I should have been more understanding and patient but I wasn't and I lost the person forever. They are now back with their ex and I am all alone.
Funny how life works, but here I thought I had given up on finding love and what am I doing I am writing about it. I was resigned to spend the rest of my life alone and miserable. I felt that no one would accept me with all my medical issues and other limitations that my illness has brought on me. Yet here I am this very evening opening myself back up and trying to start all over again.
Wish me luck and let me know if you see anyone out there that matches what I am looking for.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Be Honest with me Please!
This is my constant plea, I just want people to be honest with me. Tell me the unvarnished truth. If it hurts my feelings for a minute so what, I am grown and I will get over it. You don't know how many times I have told people that come into my life, this very same thing. There is never a good reason to lie to anyone. Even more so if you are trying to have a relationship with that person. How many times have you caught someone you are dating in a lie? Isn't it sad!
I want people to know that the one thing that will break my trust with you faster than anything else is for me to catch you in a lie. I am on this living truthfully kick, it is hard, but you know what I think my friends and associates appreciate me more because I say exactly what is on my mind and I no longer sugar coat the truth. I blurt it out without a filter. See, I have many doctors that keep telling me that I am nearing the end of the road. But you and I both know that God just might have some other plans for me.
Life has become too short and fragile for me to hold things back. Instead of hiding and holding my feelings in like I used to I express them immediately, I get it out there and it makes me feel better. I am learning that there is a time and place for everything including tact. I have to learn that sometimes it is important to hold ones tongue. However, it is never appropriate to lie to someone's face. Honestly I think they will respect you more and the trust you are building with them will become stronger.
I had a lover once that used to introduce me to others as the lover he always wanted the person he never had to lie too. I like that, because honestly if it wasn't for his temper and us fighting all the time, we might still be together today. Amazingly we are very close friends and I have even told him that I honestly don't think our story is finished yet. I certainly hope not.
My life has changed I think for the better over the last year. I got away from the drug scene that was so prevalent in my life. I got extremely ill, had an aneurysm and still survived and went into a nursing home for 6 months and came out a new person. I am sad that I have lost some friends along the way, several have died and others have moved on and left me behind. But to be honest with you, maybe it was for the best that I was left to my own devices and all alone. The temptations of the past have gone with the people that I surrounded myself with. Now that they have moved on those temptations are gone.
Since the temptations are gone, so is the need to tell lies and hide the truth about myself and my life to everyone around me. You don't know how many times I had to sneak around and hide my true intentions from my parents, and others that cared about me. Yet, there was one person I never wanted to lie too and that was my partner at the time. He didn't seem to have the same convictions as I did because he lied to me about everything and everyone. Doesn't matter now I suppose because he has moved on and found someone new, and I am happy for him.
But what is it about me that makes people want to lie to me and hide things from me? I have been asking myself the same question for quite awhile now and I think it was the caliber of people that I was hanging around with. They were lying to themselves and I was just an innocent bystander. See the culture that I was exposed to was the meth community and I can tell you that when someone is on that drug they are wanting to screw anything that walks and breathes essentially. Honestly, they aren't trying to lie to you, they are trying to justify to themselves exactly what it is that they are doing. It just happens that they have lied to you in the process.
Now that I am sober again, and I have been analyzing the situation and the background that I have come from I can see it plainly now.
Yet, even when I wasn't doing drugs people have lied directly to my face. These people were trying to spare my feelings. See, sometimes when you are sick and going through some terrible things. Those around you want to cheer you up and make you feel better about yourself. What they don't understand is that you can see right through them and know that they are lying too you and that make you feel even worse about yourself and your condition.
I have been sick for so long and people are always trying to cheer me up by telling me that my color is good or that I am filling out that I have gained some weight. I can tell that these are bolstering techniques and are meant to make me feel better, but what they actually are doing is making me look hard and closer at myself. My judgement then becomes that mush harsher on myself than it should be. I am my own worst critic and I have never liked the way I looked and have never thought of myself as attractive.
So it is my fondest wish that everyone who knows me to be 100 percent honest with me. Tell me like it is, and if you can do that for me, maybe it will become habit for you and you can do it for everyone else. I am so tired of hearing what everyone thinks I want to hear, just tell me the truth.
Remember that the truth starts at home. You must start with yourself and then work your way outward. That was the lesson that took me so long to learn for myself. I have always found it easy to lie to myself and rationalize my behavior and habits, but it was hard for me to stand up and be a hundred percent honest with myself. So I had to start at home and focus on my inner self before I could shift the focus to the outer world.
So remember if you can be honest with yourself it will definitely be easier to be honest with everyone else. Keep in mind that trust is built by showing how honest you are too others. So build your foundations on truth and understanding and you will see that your relationships are stronger and will last longer.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
I want people to know that the one thing that will break my trust with you faster than anything else is for me to catch you in a lie. I am on this living truthfully kick, it is hard, but you know what I think my friends and associates appreciate me more because I say exactly what is on my mind and I no longer sugar coat the truth. I blurt it out without a filter. See, I have many doctors that keep telling me that I am nearing the end of the road. But you and I both know that God just might have some other plans for me.
Life has become too short and fragile for me to hold things back. Instead of hiding and holding my feelings in like I used to I express them immediately, I get it out there and it makes me feel better. I am learning that there is a time and place for everything including tact. I have to learn that sometimes it is important to hold ones tongue. However, it is never appropriate to lie to someone's face. Honestly I think they will respect you more and the trust you are building with them will become stronger.
I had a lover once that used to introduce me to others as the lover he always wanted the person he never had to lie too. I like that, because honestly if it wasn't for his temper and us fighting all the time, we might still be together today. Amazingly we are very close friends and I have even told him that I honestly don't think our story is finished yet. I certainly hope not.
My life has changed I think for the better over the last year. I got away from the drug scene that was so prevalent in my life. I got extremely ill, had an aneurysm and still survived and went into a nursing home for 6 months and came out a new person. I am sad that I have lost some friends along the way, several have died and others have moved on and left me behind. But to be honest with you, maybe it was for the best that I was left to my own devices and all alone. The temptations of the past have gone with the people that I surrounded myself with. Now that they have moved on those temptations are gone.
Since the temptations are gone, so is the need to tell lies and hide the truth about myself and my life to everyone around me. You don't know how many times I had to sneak around and hide my true intentions from my parents, and others that cared about me. Yet, there was one person I never wanted to lie too and that was my partner at the time. He didn't seem to have the same convictions as I did because he lied to me about everything and everyone. Doesn't matter now I suppose because he has moved on and found someone new, and I am happy for him.
But what is it about me that makes people want to lie to me and hide things from me? I have been asking myself the same question for quite awhile now and I think it was the caliber of people that I was hanging around with. They were lying to themselves and I was just an innocent bystander. See the culture that I was exposed to was the meth community and I can tell you that when someone is on that drug they are wanting to screw anything that walks and breathes essentially. Honestly, they aren't trying to lie to you, they are trying to justify to themselves exactly what it is that they are doing. It just happens that they have lied to you in the process.
Now that I am sober again, and I have been analyzing the situation and the background that I have come from I can see it plainly now.
Yet, even when I wasn't doing drugs people have lied directly to my face. These people were trying to spare my feelings. See, sometimes when you are sick and going through some terrible things. Those around you want to cheer you up and make you feel better about yourself. What they don't understand is that you can see right through them and know that they are lying too you and that make you feel even worse about yourself and your condition.
I have been sick for so long and people are always trying to cheer me up by telling me that my color is good or that I am filling out that I have gained some weight. I can tell that these are bolstering techniques and are meant to make me feel better, but what they actually are doing is making me look hard and closer at myself. My judgement then becomes that mush harsher on myself than it should be. I am my own worst critic and I have never liked the way I looked and have never thought of myself as attractive.
So it is my fondest wish that everyone who knows me to be 100 percent honest with me. Tell me like it is, and if you can do that for me, maybe it will become habit for you and you can do it for everyone else. I am so tired of hearing what everyone thinks I want to hear, just tell me the truth.
Remember that the truth starts at home. You must start with yourself and then work your way outward. That was the lesson that took me so long to learn for myself. I have always found it easy to lie to myself and rationalize my behavior and habits, but it was hard for me to stand up and be a hundred percent honest with myself. So I had to start at home and focus on my inner self before I could shift the focus to the outer world.
So remember if you can be honest with yourself it will definitely be easier to be honest with everyone else. Keep in mind that trust is built by showing how honest you are too others. So build your foundations on truth and understanding and you will see that your relationships are stronger and will last longer.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Don't be a victim any more!
I posted a blog several minutes ago that is totally based on personal experience. How I have found myself confronted with friends and acquaintances that continually hit me up asking for help both financially and emotionally. What I have realized is that I am the one that has set up myself for failure in my dealings with others. Last year when I was in Atlanta, I found out that I am stuck in a pattern of behavior, a destructive spiral that has been repeating in my life for years. But each time I get hurt I am still surprised. My case manager at AID Atlanta pointed out to me that everything I have ever done is set myself up to be a victim. I started seeking professional help. Apparently my personal interrelationship skills have been severely warped because of trauma experienced in my previous long term relationship. Now, trust me when I tell you that there was some trauma, mental and physical abuse that I endured for twelve years, but I don't believe that my behavior is a product of that relationship alone. As I am very fond of telling you, we are the product of everything we have ever been through, all the people we have ever known and the decisions and choices we have made. With that being said, let me tell you that I believe some of my behavior problems come from the way my parents interacted with each other while I was growing up.
My parents were married and divorced from each other 4 times. They had terrible fights and never got along. All together my parents were together for 36 years, but I am not sure they ever knew what true love was. This pattern of behavior between my parents had affected my ability to find and nurture a successful relationship. Plus, the experiences I have had with my own long term relationships have affected my self-esteem and self-worth. Sometimes I wonder if that alone might the biggest factor in how I enter into relationships and how I react when I meet other people. See when my 12 1/2 year relationship finally came to an end, I had forgotten who I was. I somehow lost myself in the relationship, my sense of identity and fundamentally my drive and direction in life. I had also been told over and over again for 12 long years that I was fat, ugly, untalented and undesirable. I had heard it so much, that I began to believe it. Now, even though I weigh a hundred and thirty pounds I still see the fat person staring back at me from the mirror.
In order to keep myself from getting hurt, I met and dated people that I felt needed me, people who I thought I could help or rescue from themselves or the situations that they were in. I guess in some sort of way it made me feel good helping other people, that I was like a hero coming to their rescue, was helping them to better themselves. It made me feel useful and needed, and somewhere during our conversations, I would explain how others in my past had stolen from me or done me wrong. Thus giving them the ammunition and the information they needed to do exactly the same thing to me that others had done. What I did was sabotage myself and the relationship right from the beginning. Instead of protecting myself, I ended up giving away my weaknesses and vulnerability. Then I would wonder why I was hurt and used and left all over again, and why it seemed to keep happening to me. I used to think that men would see my kindness for weakness, but what was actually happening was I myself was giving others the ability to use me and take from me repeatedly.
What I am trying to tell you is that each of us follows our own pattern of behavior, and if you look hard enough and are honest with yourself you can discover yours. Once you discover the pattern and understand why you have fallen into it, you can then change it. You can break out of it and create a new pattern. My pattern started because I had the need to feel wanted, the need to be needed and useful in someone else's life. What started out as a desire to help others, to make their lives easier, to help them overcome their obstacles and work through their issues and crisis's, would end up with me getting involved with them. Some might even call that a Florence Nightengale syndrome. You want to help and be a rescuer, you get a sense of joy and fulfillment out of helping others, it makes you feel like you are useful and worthy. You then start to identify those feelings with intimacy, and you start falling for those you are trying to help. Or at least that is what I did. I would then further talk to them explain to them how hurt I have been in the past, what I was afraid of, how people had stolen from me, taken from me and used me. By doing that and confiding in these individuals, I gave them all the information and ammunition they needed to do the same thing to me. Therefore, I ended up perpetuating this behavior over and over again. So I would be a savior, hero, protector, basically Captain-Save-A-Ho. Then I would get closer to the person I was trying to help, become intimate, reveal my entire life history to them, and open myself up to be a victim, then once it happened I would then become a martyr. This was a never ending cycle.
Being a drug addict didn't help the situation at all. As a matter of fact it opened me up to scores of people that always seemed to need help. I was in a financial situation where I could help them, get them drugs and help them get off the street. I didn't realize the destructiveness of my behavior. Nor while I was on the drugs could I see what was plain to everyone around me. That my relationship building skills were severely damaged. Once I realized that I was stuck in a destructive type of behavior, I started to change my pattern, got off the drugs, got a job, reevaluated my goals and moved away from my old group of friends. On top of that I enrolled in school to better myself and start a new chapter in my life. I also started writing my blog, to help others and put some distance between myself and others. I don't want to again confuse my need to help others with intimacy. I am more guarded with my life and who and what I allow in. I stay away from the drugs and those that do them and I am much happier that way.
Honestly, if you are not happy with your life, you have to do something to change it yourself, it doesn't come with a remote control. What this means is that you have to get up off your butt and make the changes because there isn't a little box that is going to make the changes for you. You have to put some effort into making the change or it just isn't going to happen. Change takes effort, time and energy! But trust me if I can do it you can too. Don't let others intimidate you or make you feel that you owe them something. Because you know what the only person you owe anything too is yourself. You owe it to yourself to protect yourself from hurt, pain or people that want to use and abuse you. You have to put yourself first and everyone else after that. Just like in my earlier blog, you can want to help someone, but if they aren't doing something to change themselves, and they are not demonstrating that they want to change, walk away. Because you can't force someone to change themselves. They have to want it. They have to make the effort, you cannot do that for them. Also if someone is demonstrating that they are continuing in their same pattern behavior and not trying to better themselves. Move on, they are stuck on Repeat and are going to stay there till they hit rock bottom. Once they hit rock bottom they are likely to want to make the necessary changes to move on with their life.
I have a lot of friends and acquaintances that are still out there waking up every morning turning to their dealer and asking for a wake up, then in the afternoon calling back looking for a pick me up. They go from place to place, party to party, friend to friend looking for their next hit or fix. These are the people that are stuck on repeat. Not making any effort to change their behavior or situation. The friend I was talking about in my last entry who asked me to help him out, is living on the street. Staying in hotels for a couple nights at a time before going back on to the street. He hustles, sells himself to make a buck and get his drugs. I was attracted to him, wanted to help him and get him off the street. I offered to buy him a bus ticket and bring him down to stay with me. At first he wanted to stay in Atlanta to spend time with his family for his birthday. He was supposed to get back with me on dates that he would be able to come. He never did, and then last night got mad at me when he asked me for help and I told him that I didn't have the money. He also threw it in my face that I hadn't bought the bus ticket yet, therefore I was a bullshitter.
The truth of the matter is that it was him and his inconsistency that caused me not to buy the ticket to come to Florida. Further, after our conversation last night I realized that what I had done, how I had confused my desire of wanting to help him and better his situation with feelings of caring. He used that against me by telling me that he cared about me and missed me. But his words and actions tell me otherwise. This is how I came to realize that it wasn't me that he wanted. He wanted what he thought that I could do for him. To him it didn't matter who it was, he cared about what others can do for him. Further, the more we talked the more it became evident that everything that he ever told me about how he cared for me and even told me that he loved me was a lie. He doesn't want to change his life or his situation, he wants to hustle others to get what he needs. He has no problem telling them what he thinks they want to hear. This is what he did to me, and when I offered to help him get off the streets all he wanted was for me to send him money. He even tried to tell me things about the person I am dating thinking that this would separate us and make it easier for him to get what he wanted out of me. Even now as I am writing this I am once again bemoaning what has happened to me. The difference this time, I have come to realize the pattern and now I am exposing it to the world and purging it from my system by writing this. I don't want you to think that I am making myself out to be a martyr, see I know what I have done, and realize it. I am explaining it to you so that you don't get caught up like I did.
Be wary of your patterns, learn them and if they are detrimental to yourself or others change them anyway you can. Just by making a minor deviation, you can totally change your pattern altogether. I hope that you take my experience and learn from it. If you find yourself in a similar situation you need to let them go, walk away and cut your losses.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
My parents were married and divorced from each other 4 times. They had terrible fights and never got along. All together my parents were together for 36 years, but I am not sure they ever knew what true love was. This pattern of behavior between my parents had affected my ability to find and nurture a successful relationship. Plus, the experiences I have had with my own long term relationships have affected my self-esteem and self-worth. Sometimes I wonder if that alone might the biggest factor in how I enter into relationships and how I react when I meet other people. See when my 12 1/2 year relationship finally came to an end, I had forgotten who I was. I somehow lost myself in the relationship, my sense of identity and fundamentally my drive and direction in life. I had also been told over and over again for 12 long years that I was fat, ugly, untalented and undesirable. I had heard it so much, that I began to believe it. Now, even though I weigh a hundred and thirty pounds I still see the fat person staring back at me from the mirror.
In order to keep myself from getting hurt, I met and dated people that I felt needed me, people who I thought I could help or rescue from themselves or the situations that they were in. I guess in some sort of way it made me feel good helping other people, that I was like a hero coming to their rescue, was helping them to better themselves. It made me feel useful and needed, and somewhere during our conversations, I would explain how others in my past had stolen from me or done me wrong. Thus giving them the ammunition and the information they needed to do exactly the same thing to me that others had done. What I did was sabotage myself and the relationship right from the beginning. Instead of protecting myself, I ended up giving away my weaknesses and vulnerability. Then I would wonder why I was hurt and used and left all over again, and why it seemed to keep happening to me. I used to think that men would see my kindness for weakness, but what was actually happening was I myself was giving others the ability to use me and take from me repeatedly.
What I am trying to tell you is that each of us follows our own pattern of behavior, and if you look hard enough and are honest with yourself you can discover yours. Once you discover the pattern and understand why you have fallen into it, you can then change it. You can break out of it and create a new pattern. My pattern started because I had the need to feel wanted, the need to be needed and useful in someone else's life. What started out as a desire to help others, to make their lives easier, to help them overcome their obstacles and work through their issues and crisis's, would end up with me getting involved with them. Some might even call that a Florence Nightengale syndrome. You want to help and be a rescuer, you get a sense of joy and fulfillment out of helping others, it makes you feel like you are useful and worthy. You then start to identify those feelings with intimacy, and you start falling for those you are trying to help. Or at least that is what I did. I would then further talk to them explain to them how hurt I have been in the past, what I was afraid of, how people had stolen from me, taken from me and used me. By doing that and confiding in these individuals, I gave them all the information and ammunition they needed to do the same thing to me. Therefore, I ended up perpetuating this behavior over and over again. So I would be a savior, hero, protector, basically Captain-Save-A-Ho. Then I would get closer to the person I was trying to help, become intimate, reveal my entire life history to them, and open myself up to be a victim, then once it happened I would then become a martyr. This was a never ending cycle.
Being a drug addict didn't help the situation at all. As a matter of fact it opened me up to scores of people that always seemed to need help. I was in a financial situation where I could help them, get them drugs and help them get off the street. I didn't realize the destructiveness of my behavior. Nor while I was on the drugs could I see what was plain to everyone around me. That my relationship building skills were severely damaged. Once I realized that I was stuck in a destructive type of behavior, I started to change my pattern, got off the drugs, got a job, reevaluated my goals and moved away from my old group of friends. On top of that I enrolled in school to better myself and start a new chapter in my life. I also started writing my blog, to help others and put some distance between myself and others. I don't want to again confuse my need to help others with intimacy. I am more guarded with my life and who and what I allow in. I stay away from the drugs and those that do them and I am much happier that way.
Honestly, if you are not happy with your life, you have to do something to change it yourself, it doesn't come with a remote control. What this means is that you have to get up off your butt and make the changes because there isn't a little box that is going to make the changes for you. You have to put some effort into making the change or it just isn't going to happen. Change takes effort, time and energy! But trust me if I can do it you can too. Don't let others intimidate you or make you feel that you owe them something. Because you know what the only person you owe anything too is yourself. You owe it to yourself to protect yourself from hurt, pain or people that want to use and abuse you. You have to put yourself first and everyone else after that. Just like in my earlier blog, you can want to help someone, but if they aren't doing something to change themselves, and they are not demonstrating that they want to change, walk away. Because you can't force someone to change themselves. They have to want it. They have to make the effort, you cannot do that for them. Also if someone is demonstrating that they are continuing in their same pattern behavior and not trying to better themselves. Move on, they are stuck on Repeat and are going to stay there till they hit rock bottom. Once they hit rock bottom they are likely to want to make the necessary changes to move on with their life.
I have a lot of friends and acquaintances that are still out there waking up every morning turning to their dealer and asking for a wake up, then in the afternoon calling back looking for a pick me up. They go from place to place, party to party, friend to friend looking for their next hit or fix. These are the people that are stuck on repeat. Not making any effort to change their behavior or situation. The friend I was talking about in my last entry who asked me to help him out, is living on the street. Staying in hotels for a couple nights at a time before going back on to the street. He hustles, sells himself to make a buck and get his drugs. I was attracted to him, wanted to help him and get him off the street. I offered to buy him a bus ticket and bring him down to stay with me. At first he wanted to stay in Atlanta to spend time with his family for his birthday. He was supposed to get back with me on dates that he would be able to come. He never did, and then last night got mad at me when he asked me for help and I told him that I didn't have the money. He also threw it in my face that I hadn't bought the bus ticket yet, therefore I was a bullshitter.
The truth of the matter is that it was him and his inconsistency that caused me not to buy the ticket to come to Florida. Further, after our conversation last night I realized that what I had done, how I had confused my desire of wanting to help him and better his situation with feelings of caring. He used that against me by telling me that he cared about me and missed me. But his words and actions tell me otherwise. This is how I came to realize that it wasn't me that he wanted. He wanted what he thought that I could do for him. To him it didn't matter who it was, he cared about what others can do for him. Further, the more we talked the more it became evident that everything that he ever told me about how he cared for me and even told me that he loved me was a lie. He doesn't want to change his life or his situation, he wants to hustle others to get what he needs. He has no problem telling them what he thinks they want to hear. This is what he did to me, and when I offered to help him get off the streets all he wanted was for me to send him money. He even tried to tell me things about the person I am dating thinking that this would separate us and make it easier for him to get what he wanted out of me. Even now as I am writing this I am once again bemoaning what has happened to me. The difference this time, I have come to realize the pattern and now I am exposing it to the world and purging it from my system by writing this. I don't want you to think that I am making myself out to be a martyr, see I know what I have done, and realize it. I am explaining it to you so that you don't get caught up like I did.
Be wary of your patterns, learn them and if they are detrimental to yourself or others change them anyway you can. Just by making a minor deviation, you can totally change your pattern altogether. I hope that you take my experience and learn from it. If you find yourself in a similar situation you need to let them go, walk away and cut your losses.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Monday, August 27, 2012
Rekindling a Relationship from embers to full flame--An Experiment
As many of you know I have embarked on a new adventure in my life. I have flung away my past, changed my venue and pretty much all of my friends. Moving to a place where I knew absolutely nobody, an hour and a half from where I grew up. Challenges have presented themselves with my health, yet I took initiative and decided to change my fate on Friday 13th, also known as Freaky Friday, a day that legend states one can revers ones fortunes. Some of you maybe away that my relationship status changed a few weeks ago from single to it's complicated. You may have seen my entry on "Gay Relationships and long-distance". Some of you might have guessed that entry and several others have been this change. Parts of the story have to remain a mystery for just a little while longer yet. However, there are a few things I can take the liberty of discussing with you! It is not my normal style not to offer full disclosure of events, as you are probably well aware from reading my blog. But in the interest of mutual agreement we have decided to go this route. I feel obligated to assuage some or ya'll's fear by giving you a general background on the situation and what our plans entail. But as with all things his is a dynamic, a work in progress, and subject to change without notice. So without further ado I shall explain.
This relationship is not one of frivolity, it hasn't been entered into lightly at all. A great deal of energy, sweat, and tears have gone into it. If my memory serves me correctly, and I am sure if it doesn't I will be corrected. But I believe this Thanksgiving day will be our five year anniversary. Strange as it may seem and as hard as it is to believe, I think I am right. Because Sterling and I broke up just prior to then. It was Sterling who brought us together initially, and another person named Will that kept us together. Now, you have to keep in mind that this relationship has always been open til now. You might even say that we were FB's (F--k Buddies) that grew to care too much about each other. Approximately one year ago give or take a few days, tragedy struck and we were separated by distance and illness. At which point I didn't think we would ever see each other again. Plus, my situation in Atlanta rapidly changed as well. Due to some hard work of some "frienemies" I ended up literally on the streets of Atlanta where I stayed and learned how to survive and chase that paper! Some of you know exactly what I mean! I actually learned the art of hustle. Let me digress for a brief moment and explain this, I have no regrets about what happened and I most certainly wouldn't change a thing. I learned a lot of valuable lessons that will go a long way in my life. Back to the details, anyhow in October of last year I met someone named Bobby, that I hit it off really well and for a little while I thought we were going to be a couple. Well as fate would have it I ended up getting sick and had to have surgery, which eventually let me to call my dad and ask if I could come down to Florida to stay with him. Of course, I hadn't realized at the time that he wasn't living in Orlando, that him and my step mom had moved to Ormond Beach. They agreed and in February I moved back to Florida.
I kept in touch with a few people, especially Bobby and I asked him to come down, he said he would and that he wanted to. That he wanted to give us another try, but here we are in September almost and he still isn't here. On March 5, 2012 I had a trip planned to go to Atlanta to get my things, visit some friends and possibly get Bobby and bring him back after the weekend was over. Fate, stepped in again and the trip never actually happened. My colon ruptured in two places and I started to bleed to death. I was rushed into emergency surgery, died on the table three times, I am told and spent 29 days in intensive care. I was told that my prognosis wasn't looking good. That the doctor's didn't think I would make it till Christmas. So, I got on the computer and I tracked down all my close friends and ex's to let them know what was going on. One of them is the person this is about by the way! When we talked I found out that he was going through his own battle and struggling with his help as well. He also chose to inform me at the time he didn't consider us broken up and that we were still together. It took him six months of patient perseverance to break down the walls surrounding my heart and mind to get me to understand that he truly loved me. Now here's the interesting part we talk, text, chat, Facebook, all day everyday since March. I have had a miraculous recovery. THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR PRAYERS AND SUPPORT THROUGH THIS!!!! /As of last doctor's visit there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with me whatsoever now. My prognosis is perfect health. Can you say AMEN, I believe in the Power of Prayer!!
Here I sit 4 1/2 years later talking with someone that literally had to beat me over the head for me to accept his love. Originally, I was going to go see him, but he had some disappointing news last week, when he called me I could tell how upset he was and so I had him tell me what happened. Once I found out and heard the sadness and the defeat in his voice, I invited him out here to see me for a visit to see if he liked the area, and to possibly see if this might be a place that he might be willing to move too. He accepted and will be here on Sunday, September 2, 2012. I am definitely stoked and excited about this and yes very happy. I am also scared, I want everything to be perfect. But I know that nothing ever is. I am also starting to work tomorrow, because I was bored sitting at home and I wanted to get out and meet new people, plus have a little extra cash. So now do you fully understand where I am at? A 4 1/2 year old FB relationship turned into a serious monogamous new relationship. We both know how we feel toward each other, this past year of separation has made us realize how much we care and need each other. We could have easily lost each other because of what happened to him and his near death and then mine...
How do I take these smoldering embers of love, lust and passion and fan them back into the roaring flames of desire, romance and ecstasy, with a sprinkling of fantasy thrown in? Hence the need for my social experiment!
We have the theorem and hypothesis and we postulate that we can accomplish this in a short time frame, and our efforts are going to go into trying to prove and document that they are correct. Since the subject isn't arriving till next Sunday I cannot give you the answers. But, I promise you a full report once the experiment concludes. Here is how the experiment is going to be conducted. First, subject has a cursory knowledge only of the experiment. A closed environment is being arranged, a private place at an extended stay for the duration of the visit and experiment. External variables are going to be minimized, no outside influences will be allowed to enter the test area. Only the two participants at the hotel! Working on adapting my work schedule so that excursions and adventures can be conducted around the visit. A whole sprinkling of romantic surprises , including a dinner with the parental units. Such romantic experiments include walks along the beach together at sunset, shopping excursions to find outfits for his performance dates..unfortunately he has to perform while he is here. Along with apartment/house hunting excursion, followed up with a trip scheduled to visit Tampa, Ft. Lauderdale and Orlando. Maybe even a visit to the old Mouse of the South himself. Since it has been years since I have been there. There is even a work trip scheduled to Atlanta and a few other surprise I don't want to lay out here because, MR. MAN does read my blog daily. Though, currently I think he is 4 days behind and has a lot of reading to catch up on.
I promise the results of this experiment will be published detailing what was done at the conclusion of the experiment. There shall be a little vlogg interview with the subject giving his views on how this turned out and what he thought of said experiment. Along with that we plan on releasing a podcast as well.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
This relationship is not one of frivolity, it hasn't been entered into lightly at all. A great deal of energy, sweat, and tears have gone into it. If my memory serves me correctly, and I am sure if it doesn't I will be corrected. But I believe this Thanksgiving day will be our five year anniversary. Strange as it may seem and as hard as it is to believe, I think I am right. Because Sterling and I broke up just prior to then. It was Sterling who brought us together initially, and another person named Will that kept us together. Now, you have to keep in mind that this relationship has always been open til now. You might even say that we were FB's (F--k Buddies) that grew to care too much about each other. Approximately one year ago give or take a few days, tragedy struck and we were separated by distance and illness. At which point I didn't think we would ever see each other again. Plus, my situation in Atlanta rapidly changed as well. Due to some hard work of some "frienemies" I ended up literally on the streets of Atlanta where I stayed and learned how to survive and chase that paper! Some of you know exactly what I mean! I actually learned the art of hustle. Let me digress for a brief moment and explain this, I have no regrets about what happened and I most certainly wouldn't change a thing. I learned a lot of valuable lessons that will go a long way in my life. Back to the details, anyhow in October of last year I met someone named Bobby, that I hit it off really well and for a little while I thought we were going to be a couple. Well as fate would have it I ended up getting sick and had to have surgery, which eventually let me to call my dad and ask if I could come down to Florida to stay with him. Of course, I hadn't realized at the time that he wasn't living in Orlando, that him and my step mom had moved to Ormond Beach. They agreed and in February I moved back to Florida.
I kept in touch with a few people, especially Bobby and I asked him to come down, he said he would and that he wanted to. That he wanted to give us another try, but here we are in September almost and he still isn't here. On March 5, 2012 I had a trip planned to go to Atlanta to get my things, visit some friends and possibly get Bobby and bring him back after the weekend was over. Fate, stepped in again and the trip never actually happened. My colon ruptured in two places and I started to bleed to death. I was rushed into emergency surgery, died on the table three times, I am told and spent 29 days in intensive care. I was told that my prognosis wasn't looking good. That the doctor's didn't think I would make it till Christmas. So, I got on the computer and I tracked down all my close friends and ex's to let them know what was going on. One of them is the person this is about by the way! When we talked I found out that he was going through his own battle and struggling with his help as well. He also chose to inform me at the time he didn't consider us broken up and that we were still together. It took him six months of patient perseverance to break down the walls surrounding my heart and mind to get me to understand that he truly loved me. Now here's the interesting part we talk, text, chat, Facebook, all day everyday since March. I have had a miraculous recovery. THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR PRAYERS AND SUPPORT THROUGH THIS!!!! /As of last doctor's visit there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with me whatsoever now. My prognosis is perfect health. Can you say AMEN, I believe in the Power of Prayer!!
Here I sit 4 1/2 years later talking with someone that literally had to beat me over the head for me to accept his love. Originally, I was going to go see him, but he had some disappointing news last week, when he called me I could tell how upset he was and so I had him tell me what happened. Once I found out and heard the sadness and the defeat in his voice, I invited him out here to see me for a visit to see if he liked the area, and to possibly see if this might be a place that he might be willing to move too. He accepted and will be here on Sunday, September 2, 2012. I am definitely stoked and excited about this and yes very happy. I am also scared, I want everything to be perfect. But I know that nothing ever is. I am also starting to work tomorrow, because I was bored sitting at home and I wanted to get out and meet new people, plus have a little extra cash. So now do you fully understand where I am at? A 4 1/2 year old FB relationship turned into a serious monogamous new relationship. We both know how we feel toward each other, this past year of separation has made us realize how much we care and need each other. We could have easily lost each other because of what happened to him and his near death and then mine...
How do I take these smoldering embers of love, lust and passion and fan them back into the roaring flames of desire, romance and ecstasy, with a sprinkling of fantasy thrown in? Hence the need for my social experiment!
We have the theorem and hypothesis and we postulate that we can accomplish this in a short time frame, and our efforts are going to go into trying to prove and document that they are correct. Since the subject isn't arriving till next Sunday I cannot give you the answers. But, I promise you a full report once the experiment concludes. Here is how the experiment is going to be conducted. First, subject has a cursory knowledge only of the experiment. A closed environment is being arranged, a private place at an extended stay for the duration of the visit and experiment. External variables are going to be minimized, no outside influences will be allowed to enter the test area. Only the two participants at the hotel! Working on adapting my work schedule so that excursions and adventures can be conducted around the visit. A whole sprinkling of romantic surprises , including a dinner with the parental units. Such romantic experiments include walks along the beach together at sunset, shopping excursions to find outfits for his performance dates..unfortunately he has to perform while he is here. Along with apartment/house hunting excursion, followed up with a trip scheduled to visit Tampa, Ft. Lauderdale and Orlando. Maybe even a visit to the old Mouse of the South himself. Since it has been years since I have been there. There is even a work trip scheduled to Atlanta and a few other surprise I don't want to lay out here because, MR. MAN does read my blog daily. Though, currently I think he is 4 days behind and has a lot of reading to catch up on.
I promise the results of this experiment will be published detailing what was done at the conclusion of the experiment. There shall be a little vlogg interview with the subject giving his views on how this turned out and what he thought of said experiment. Along with that we plan on releasing a podcast as well.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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