Marching Onward with Time

You cannot hold back the hands of time, they march ever onward never stopping. Seconds turn to Minutes, Minutes to Hours, Hours to Days, Days to Weeks and Weeks turn to Months, Months to Years.

Everything has a progression there is no stopping the ticking of the clock, the hour hand moves inevitably towards tomorrow.  Nothing can last against it's angry sway.  Even month move into seasons and seasons into years and then starts all over again.  It is an endless cycle that has no end.  

No matter what you do the human body cannot fight against time, and aging takes place. Though it's passage is slow the evidence becomes apparent soon enough first comes the roll, then the wrinkles, the hair thins and grays, the lines deepen around the eyes.  Nothing prepares us for this eternal march.

Life is full of events that make up episodes and those episodes play out into the span of months and years nothing changes the fact that time doesn't slow down not even a fraction, no matter what you do or try.  Nothing has any permanence anymore, everything is made to break down and be replaced this is what the world has devolved to in the modern age.

But with every invention that eases the burdens of man, time is the great equalizer making all things the same. equal. No one can run the race against time and win, because the body will give out way before the clock on the wall stops its ever onward rotation.  We have trained ourselves to celebrate these passing years as a type of victory, that marks the year of our birth.  Nothing can take that away from us that small victory that we celebrate with each passing year of life.

Judge not what others do for they are playing out their own version of the same story that you are in. Though the characters change everyone of is fraught with a multitude of issues, everyone has them no one is exempt from them.  How we deal with them and move forward is what defines us.  But in the case of time, our bodies slow and break down but in most cases the mind stays nimble and alert.  Looking out for familiar patterns and doing things that make our world unique and our own. Stop for a moment and look at the world around us and see what is taking place around you and you will be amazed at how other's lives parallel yours.  No one is exempt from the tolling bell and we will all succumb to the numb darkness of death in our own time.

Nothing tells us the day or the hour in which we will pass from this world to the next but you can be assured that the clock on the wall is keeping track of every second that you remain in this plane. Nothing can change the fact that even though time was created by man to help them navigate the daily rotation of the sun around the earth it also helps us measure the path that we take daily.  We use it to govern our lives and we come close to worshiping it.  Because we each have things that we need to accomplish during certain parts of the day.  

Years treat each person differently and nothing stays the same forever, each of us is just going through time floating like a ship adrift on the sea.  There is no compass to guide us just the rotation of the hand against our brains.  We have ingrained upon ourselves the necessity to abide by time and therefore it controls almost every aspect of our lives. We punch a clock when we work, we go to sleep at a certain time, get up and start it all over again.  This is not how it is supposed to be. But we are human and need guidelines and rules to keep us going at a steady pace so that each day is fulfilled to the fullest, or that is what the majority of humanity thinks.

I don't care what anyone else thinks or believes, because no matter what the march of time might have done to me I am still here chugging along, and yes I am 50 now, but I still feel like I am in my 30's. Yes I have a few more aches and pains then I used to but guess what I don't look anywhere near my age and I am still able to get out and do all that I need to to get through the day, I don't have to punch a time clock and I still survive. I do things when the time is appropriate for me and not for others.  I try to abide by the structure so that I can make to appointments and stuff like that but I will tell you other than that time hold real no meaning for me in this life anymore. Each day is a challenge and I start them all the same as a brand new slate with nothing etched in it and I can screw it up anyway that I want and I am content to live like that.  

Dimly I am aware that time passes and I acknowledge that passing with a glance and a move forward, because with each new down is a world that is open to interpretation and new mysteries and adventures are to be had. I am not locked into a single way of life and I keep surprising myself with all that I get done in a single day. How is time treating you and how well are you holding up under the pressure of age?

Let me know I would like to hear your thoughts about this.

As always you are in my hopes and dreams,

Uncle B

Nothing prepares us for the future

My birthday just passed on December 1, 2018 and I reached my 50th birthday.  A mark in my personal history that I thought I would never reach.  Many of you know my story and my history and have known that I have been sick for a very long time.  That almost 27 years ago now I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Large Cell Lymphoma that destroyed most of my Large and Small intestines.  I have been lucky and have survived through many things throughout the years. But nothing ever prepares you for the future.  It is true that with each illness I have gained knowledge and strength, I have been surprised with the ferocity that the illness returns each time.   Even now I am being plagued by internal bleeding and not knowing what is actually wrong and causing it.  I have spent most of the month of November in and out of the hospital, had to have blood transfusions and a battery of tests that were inconclusive and didn't shed any light on my recent illness and lack of strength.

2018 has been a strange year for me. It moved fairly rapidly and many things happened that have left me with my head spinning and less of an understanding regarding human nature.  It is also true that the strong prey on the weak, and people constantly try to take advantage of the ones that they think are weaker or nicer then themselves.  I have been constantly embroiled in a battle since 2010 where I have been continually used and abused by people I struggled to help and who I thought I was doing good by.  When I ran into difficulties of my own, I found myself struggling alone and there was no one around willing to help me in the same ways that I had helped them.  I bounced around and was struggling constantly battling drug abuse, homelessness and hunger.  Several times I attempted to change my circumstances and twice things rebounded on me and I ended up on my own and all alone again.

I lost a lot of friends and acquaintances over the past 2 years to drug overdose and complications to HIV/AIDS it hasn't been a comforting thought.  I never thought that I would face such loss.  Now that 2018 is drawing to a close I am reminded that some of my very best friends are no longer here.  Every one of my family members is sick currently, and none of the prognosis's are good.  My father is battling in operable stage 4 lung cancer, and my brother is battling end-stage renal disease, my mother is paralyzed from the waist down and has been extremely sick since June.  All of us have been going through hospitalizations and multiple doctor visits.

We also lost my dad's youngest brother in November to Lung cancer and the family is still in shock about that.  It is unfortunate that as we get older our bodies tend to weaken and our ability to heal slows and we don't recover as fast as we did when we were younger.  It is hard to believe that I am 50 years old now, that I have reached middle age and haven't really grasped the essential concepts of how to live and survive on my own.  My entire life I have been constantly surrounded by other people and have been a care-giver.  I thought that by now I would have at least learned the basics of survival and living on my own.  But unfortunately, somehow I missed those life lessons.

Nothing that I have been through has prepared me for the future that is looming in front of me.  I am suffering from the loss of many of my friends and a support network.  I am in love with someone that I realize doesn't honestly feel the same way for me.  I struggle with depression and dependence issues and I also have a desire to change my outlook on life.  With the possible loss of my family closing in on the horizon, I am afraid of what I am going to find when I am all alone.  I have never learned how to survive on my own and I struggle daily to overcome my own depression and weaknesses.  I am afraid that once I loose my parents I will be totally lost and will not know what to do with the rest of my life.

None of my dreams ever included me outliving my friends, peers or my parents.  I thought when I was diagnosed with cancer that it was the end for me but I have survived longer then most other people and I have overcome so many obstacles and outlived so many predictions of my demise.  I am not sure what I actually thought my life was going to be like, but this is not what I imagined when I left Orlando the first time and followed Joe Royer to Atlanta.  I never imagined in a million years that I would suffer from Colon cancer and that I would become disabled at such a young age.  I never really faced the truth of it all preferring to loose myself in drug use and addiction.  I surrounded myself by like minded individuals and created relationships and sexual partnerships with those that were lost in that world.  I have clung to the tapestry of my life and my existence because I really knew no other way.  Now I am back in Orlando, back where it all started and some of the same people that I have known from my past are here as well. I am trying to rekindle those lost friendships and relationships trying to rebuild my life and change the course of self-destruction that I have been on.

I don't understand what the future has in store for me but I know that I don't want to continue down the path that I have been going down for so long.  I want to change and by doing so I need to change everything about my life and what I have going on around me.  I want my partner to be with me, but if he doesn't want me in the same way that I want him then I am afraid that I am just waisting my time all over again and just setting myself up for heartache and pain.  I am going to stop writing tonight and continue this more in morning when I have more time to reflect on my life and situation.

Till we meet again in the morning!  Well it is actually a few days later I am picking up where I left off.  Today is now the 9th of December and I have gained a few more insights into the world that I was writing about the other day and I wanted to finish up on the topic of Nothing Prepares Us for the Future.  From the previous written dialogue you can see that I wasn't given a manual in which spelled out the answers to all of life's problems and made it easier to live by.  No after Joe and I broke up my life changed dramatically, I couldn't seem to pull myself together in any way that mattered.  I have struggled from that moment on till now, I can't explain it.  But the lessons I should have picked up along the way I didn't or maybe have forgotten. I pushed myself further into my misery and drug addiction and as I said surrounded myself by like minded individuals.  I lost myself and my direction and it has taken me years to come back to the realization that I am a person and that I do matter and that I do count and that I have purpose and meaning.  I still haven't made it back to my go out and get what I want personality but I am striving daily to reach it.

I realized not too long ago that when I left Orlando and went to Atlanta I had a go getter mindset.  I saw what I wanted and I set about getting it.  Years of being with Joe softened me and then illness struck and I lost heart and hope.  I gave up literally because I couldn't see a future with me being the broken and lost person that I was.  I suffered and still do at times from the illusion that the Gay lifestyle and world couldn't accept me, that I was a broken person and that I had no place in either gay or straight society. I was hurt and lost, I drifted aimlessly for years feeling sorry for myself and I left so many friends and loved ones behind in my self-pity trip.  Luckily many of them have stayed on the edges of my life all these years and I hear from them every once in awhile.  But here I am now at 50 and I am looking at my life and wondering where to go and how to begin again.  As you may be aware I have never figured out how to give up or surrender.  I just couldn't figure out how to stop living, waking up in the morning and going on with life.

For many years I dedicated myself to the service of other people, trying to help out where I could and take care of those that needed it.  I threw myself into trying to take care of everyone and being there to help others that were in need.  In other words I gave myself over to the service of others and I put their needs ahead of my own.  In a sense this worked to give me a purpose and I woke up daily to take care of those that I felt were less fortunate than me and who needed my help.  By focusing on their needs I was able to put my own to the back of my mind and focus totally on them.  This maybe the very reason why I am still with you today.  I selflessly dedicated myself to helping and taking care of others. I created a huge extended family and I struggled to take care of each and every person that I cared about.  This may seem crazy to you but I believe that by doing this I was able to live a much longer and fuller life than I normally would have.  I believe that my dedication to others is what helped me survive all the sickness and illness that plagued me through the years and helped give me the desired will to survive so that I could continue taking care of those that mattered to me.

Food for thought:  We are not able to chose our own family but we do have the ability to create and extended family that we can relate to and who is there to support us and nurture us and we offer similar support back in return.  Many of you are in my extended family and I am grateful to have each and every one of you in my life.

As I am looking back on the days that have gone by and I be extremely honest with myself we endured a lot and overcame so many hardships that bonded us together in ways that others just couldn't understand.  Despite that we are all separated by distance now and have scattered to the 4 winds.  Some of us still in Atlanta, others in California, Florida, Texas, Chicago and other places we are still a family and what brought us together is apart of us forever.  Our mutual experiences and the challenges that we faced and overcome together have bonded us in ways that make us irreplaceable in each others lives.  No one can take the place you hold in my heart ever and no one will ever be able to replace what you mean to me and how you are a part of me.  Each of us has left their mark on the other and that has helped shape us into the people that we have become.  I know that it might seem like I was complaining earlier about my life and the losses that I suffered and have endured but the truth is I wouldn't change any of it for the world because if I did I wouldn't be the same person that I am today and you wouldn't be in my life making me a better person.

I may not have learned how to take care of myself and learned how to live alone, but I learned something just as equally important.  I learned how to take care and appreciate others, I learned how personal sacrifice and dedication of the heart and spirit to the wellbeing of others is helpful to ourselves. If I hadn't I probably wouldn't be here today.  Many of you would have to visit my resting place and wouldn't be able to talk to me like you can today.  So let me thank you for helping me learn this lesson and for giving me the strength to carry on when all seemed so hopeless around me.  Understand and know that you are the life source that has kept me alive and healthy all of these years.

Now that I am looking toward the future and many of us have been scattered to the 4 corners of the earth I am struck by the over powering desire to reconcile all of my differences with everyone, to apologize for the wrongs that I have done and the sins that I may have committed against you.  I want to rekindle the relationships the friendships and bridge the hurts, the harsh words and bitter emotions that might be separating us. I want to be your friend again, and be able to count you as mine and for us to be there for one another because lets face it none of us are getting any younger. We are going to need each other and we once supported one another and will probably need to do it again as we move forward.

I was feeling melancholy when I started writing this entry into my blog, but I am feeling better now that I am drawing to a close.  My desire above all else is for us to all come together again in person.  I still have a dream that has been with me for a long time now.  In the future we are all of going to need a place to call home.  Many of you might remember us talking about and joking about me starting a retirement home, I used to call it Mommas Home for Wayward Homosexuals.  It is my dream to buy a huge mansion one day and bring all of us who know and love each other back together again and have our own place.  A place where everyone has a place there are no expectations, no recriminations and everyone can live out the rest of their lives in happiness and friendship, surrounded by love, light and happiness.  This is not an impossible dream or goal and might be something that we could all accomplish together.  Creating our own compound where we all live and work together to build a stronger and brighter future for ourselves and where each of us is able to live stress and debt free.

Please let's try and make my dream a reality.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Time Progression

Time marches swiftly on and waits for no one.  Hours turn to days, days into months, and months into years.  Nights blend to days as the earth travels around the sun, those months turn to seasons and the seasons mark the year. Nothing can bind the hands of time.  Like a tightly wound spring our lives slowly wind down as the second hand ticks around the clock. Life has a limited amount of a lotted time. Like a grandfather clock that is wound daily and eventually winds down so does the body wind down.  Wrinkles, gray hair and other signs are developed and shows the passage of time.

Days and night blend together with the lack of sleep I achieve, and still the night rushes towards the dawn. My mind clings to the events of the day and I can't seem to relax and let go.  Up each night as hours count down, yet sleep eludes me this way. Every passing day my strengths wain and I sit in bed with demons yet to be slain.  I don't really know if I am rational and sane, I just know that I can't continue on this way.

I never thought to reach this age, growing old has always frightened me.  Now I am facing the end of youth and I see the writing on the wall. Though my days seem to speed up and my ending is coming soon. I never thought that my body would hold together for as long as it has.  I have passed through the Spring and Summer of my life and now I am entering the Fall, before I know it it will be the winter of my life and I will see you no more.

When I was younger I could put so many things into a day, now I barely have time for mundane things.  My days and night blend in motion and month pass so quickly.  Years have seemed to pass in a blink of an eye,  and what have I accomplished?  What is the mark that I leave upon this world?

It is you my fellow friends those whose lives I have touched and made a difference in. You will be the ones that will carry me forward and remember me once I am gone.  Nothing lasts forever, I hope that you will keep my spirit alive and in your heart.  I have tried to be fair to all around me and spread my love and charity.  It is my wish that you take my life as an example and gather hope and inspiration from how I have lived.

I have made many choices that have left me wounded and broken. I have learned from them and have tried to share those experiences with you. You are my legacy the ones that will remember me. Your thoughts of me will keep me alive in perpetuity.  I love you all and wouldn't change a thing that I have done, I have gained knowledge and strength through every battle I have won.  Keep me alive in your hearts and minds and I will live on forever. Hope, spirit, and vitality I bequeath to you and wish you a long and happy journey.

I have left so many opportunities unexplored and let my fear hold me back from becoming more than I am.  I am a prisoner of my own design and I leave no regrets behind. As I age and grow older I have learned many things.  One of them is that I love you all and I am glad to call you friend.  Without knowing you I wouldn't have become the person that I am and I am thankful for the memories that you have given me.  I wish I would have been better towards you and never made mistakes, but perfection isn't something that is granted man.

Every day that passes by I am looking for a chance to prove just how much this life has meant to me and I look to leave a lasting monument or testament to my life and I can't think of one.  I have only you my friends and the work that I have left behind. My fondest wish was to make life easier for each of you and to show you that no matter what Hope is a gift that can survive through anything.  I have had cancer, illness, tragedy and despair and through it all I have never lost my hope or faith.  This is what I want for you to find and learn to live by.

Please understand there were so many things that I wanted to do and leave behind and unfortunately I have run out of time.  It is late in my life that I have come to this.  I put my talents and passions to the side and I chose business as my life, and though I brought some creativity into the field with my computer programs and designs.  I could have done so much more if I would have followed my heart and chose writing as my career.  I haven't created any memorable or lasting characters to leave behind. I have only my life and the lessons I have learned that I can leave to you.  I never finished any of the books I have started and I haven't made it to the fame and fortune I once desired.  I will only be remembered as your friend and I hope that you truly remember everything that we have been through.

Now as things wind down towards the close, I wonder if the curtain will rise again and show me another glorious morn.  Sun bright and shining, birds gayly chirping and cattle nearby lowing those are the sounds that I hope to hear when the sun rises in the morning.  I could have done so much more, been so much more but I was content to live my life this way.  I made the most of each and everyday that I got to spend with you and I hope that you feel the same way.  Some of you might not remember or it might be who could be wrong, but there is a strength with each new dawn.  There is a promise in the air that things won't matter when this life is through, I often wonder if this is true.

I should have done more, helped more, and accomplished more, but I settled way too easily and turned my thoughts aside to help those I thought needed me at the time.  Nothing was ever easy that is for sure, I struggled against the system and did things my own way. I didn't care if they were right or wrong as long as I got my way. Now, when I look back and see those eager faces I wished I would have told you more that you meant so much to me. It was you that I used to keep my troubles at bay.  For as long as I remained focused on you, I could forget my shame and pain for just a little while. Several years ago I turned aside from my quest for fame, and decided that the best way to leave my name was to work through you to help you too. In that way I gained a measure of satisfaction and drove away my pain.  I found inspiration in your need and felt so useful, but much to my chagrin I am not needed ever again.  I am used up and my time is fading and I have nothing left but the waiting.  I hope you understand that you helped me as much as I tried to help you, you were my distraction, the only way I knew to focus my gaze away from my faults and limitations.  Through you I have searched and seeked redemption.

As this journey draws to an end I hope that you will remember that I was and always shall be your friend.  I did my best and hope it was enough to give you the rest that you needed along the way.  I hope that you see me in each new day.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

please read my entry called Marching Onward of Time

Life is Finite

08/29/18

Getting older, aging is a part of life itself.  You know that life is fleeting, that we are here one minute and gone the next.  This is part of the Human Condition, it is inevitable and everyone of us must face the certainty of death to come.

Most of us measure our lives in years, some by achievements, others by amassed wealth or possessions.  No matter how you measure your life you know that at some point it is all going to come to an end.  Some plan for it, other's are taken completely unaware, and some live by the moment.  Because living in the moment and by the moment keeps them in the present and leaves no room for the past to hold them back or slow them down, that way they can experience and enjoy every moment they have upon the Earth.

It's very hard for me to live in the moment and stay there.  Being sick for so long I have tried to teach and program myself to live in the moment and not take each day for granted and enjoy the time I have and give thanks for every new dawn that I get to draw a breathe, but my past has a hold on me and maybe it is fear that is locking me down or just not wanting to totally give up on people that has me constantly looking toward past relationships hoping that one day they might come back into my life.  I have explored this in other post, but I honestly think that because they were able to accept me for the person I am with all of my physical limitations and illnesses, that I fear I won't be able to find anyone that will be able to in the future.  I know that I am not perfect and I have made many mistakes in my life.  That too is a part of the Human Condition, we learn from our mistakes and the more painful the mistake the greater the lesson that is learned.  I once believed that the only way that we truly learn is through pain, however as I have gotten older I am beginning to see that humans have a a greater capacity for learning and understanding than I once had given us credit for.  I have since learned that we also learn through memorization, repetition and through trust, these are the most common ways we retain knowledge. 

Yet wisdom is something that is gained from knowledge accumulated over time and put into practical use and practice.  Just because you have some knowledge and understanding it doesn't mean that you are wise or have achieved wisdom.  I think wisdom is knowing when to apply your knowledge and understanding tempered with kindness and compassion.  This can take years to achieve and is something that we gain as we age and mature.  It is not something that happens overnight, wisdom, patience, understanding, compassion and knowledge all go hand in and hand.  In order to achieve the state of wisdom you must master all the required parts.

As most of you are aware I have been sick since 1992.  Not every single day but more often than not.  I have battled many types of cancer along with hepatitis C and HIV.  I have experienced chronic renal failure, had more surgeries than you can imagine and recently started experiencing heart issues.  No one knows better than me how fragile this body is, how tenuous our life is and how fleeting the moments we share with other can be.  No one knows when we are going to die, not the hour or the day.  Some of our lives may be long life, others will be cut short. None us can fathom the cause of our own demise whether it be from illness, tragedy, disaster or some other form. 

I have always tried to cultivate lasting relationships, I have wanted to be in all the way for the long haul.  Everywhere, I have gone and every person I meet I try to lay the groundwork and foundation for a long enduring and lasting friendship.  Many of you I have met in high school, college or during my time in the Navy, others still from my time when I was in Atlanta, when I moved there 25 years ago.  Technology has come a long way enabling us to reach out and talk to each other.  FaceBook, Twitter and other social media have given us a platform and an environment where each of us can showcase our lives and achievements.  Where we can record the narrative of our lives and reach out and connect with those that we have lost contact with over the years.  Times have sure changed!

In just a few short months I will be turning 50 years old.  Many of my friends and loved ones didn't make it to my age and I miss them sorely, and think about them all the time.  I find turning 50 both a blessing and a curse, I had never in a million years ever thought that I would ever make to this age.  I can remember when I was in my early 20's thinking that I wouldn't ever reach 35 and that was so old back then.  I sneezed and looked in the mirror and wow look at all the time that has passed.  I still grieve and mourn for those that have come into my life and are no longer with us.  Many of whom I feel were more deserving than me to live, yet they were take away totally too soon.

Many of my peers can relate, we lived through the 80's and 90's and lost so many friend during that time.  Even though I am aging and my body is weakening and falling apart, I will tell you that I am thankful and grateful to be here with you still today.  But life is finite, it is fleeting and sometimes very brief.  Please be sure to make time to talk to those that mean something to you.  Reach out to them and tell them that you love them, and appreciate the.  Let them know that you care and they are important to you.  There are so many friends that I have lost over the years to drugs, disease and tragedy that I wish I could have told them how much I cared about them and how much they meant to me.  If I had the opportunity now to tell them something I would tell them that I miss them every day and wish that I had been a better friend and knew how to communicate better with them when they were alive.

I don't know how much time I have left. You don't know how much time you have left either.  Somebody can be in your life one day and be gone the next.  I know this from very personal experience.  I just recently lost a roommate and a very good friend around the same time that I found out that my dad had extensive lung cancer and metastasized tumors in the brain, my brother is dealing with End Stage Renal disease and my mother a paraplegic and extremely ill.  This has all come to light in just a very short time span and I don't know when or if I will ever get to see any of them again.

Do yourself a favor and reach out to those that you count as a friend and loved one let them know exactly how much they mean to you, tell them that they matter to you.  If you aren't truly there for them like you should be or if your friendship is strained then make and effort to fix it before it is too late.  Save yourself some regret and make it right. Because you just don't know what tomorrow might bring.

So at this time I want to reach out to each and every one of you.  I want to say thank you for being my friend.  Thank you for listening to me, being there for me! You are important to me and I care about you and I am thinking about you a lot.  Pick up the phone, drop and email, write a letter, send a card do something! Let's get our friendship back on track, you are part of me, you have taught me so much and I am grateful for you each and every day.  I miss interacting with you, being able to see you and talk to you.  I want to reclaim our friendship. I am here for you and I love you.  My life is more complete just because you are in it and I wouldn't want it any other way.  We need each other!

LIVE IS FINITE IT HAS AND END! I want you to be there with me all the way! What do you say I look forward to hearing from you soon.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Tiny Boxes

I am sitting here tonight and I have dark thoughts running through my head.  Earlier today I was reading about star that have gone out of our lives by suicide.  Robin Williams was always someone that cheered me up and brightened my mood, no matter what he was performing in I was always interested.  He is gone by his own hand and it got me to thinking about the tiny boxes that surround each and everyone of us.  The boxes I am referring to are boxes we are placed in by others through stereotypes and labels.  Yet, that is just one type of box, I look out my window and I see all the boxes others live in and these too interest me.  But, no matter the type of box each one of them has a story hidden inside.

Most people never look behind the labels or stereotypes to see the person that is staring back at them, and in our own homes there is a drama all of our own that is also obscured and unseen.  It is getting dark outside now and the light in each window are coming on and I wonder if the people behind them are thinking about me like I am sitting here thinking about them.  I am not a solitary person, have never liked to be alone and have never experienced for any length of time being on my own and alone.  My story intersects with a so many different lives that I sort of have a vicarious life through them.  But these boxes hold secrets, tears, pain, fears, longings and so many other things that I cry out feeling for each one wondering who is in their life that is helping them deal with life and existence.

I have been categorized so many times in my life that I defy one specific stereotype, but yet I still feel isolated and alone.  I sit here with my computer and reach out in to the night hoping that someone out there is in a better circumstance just because they know me.  I wonder how many lives I have helped, changed, inspired or nurtured and might they remember me after I am gone.  When I am left alone too long I start to fear that I haven't done enough, been enough or hear enough.  I cry on the inside because I cringe and am afraid of myself and who I am.

So many people on Facebook and throughout my life have passed on through few have ever taken root and stayed for any length of time, and I wonder is it me?  Could I have been more? done more? said more? felt more?  I don't think I will ever know.  I have been myself and that is all that anyone can ask for.  Those few who have taken root and who are still around and in my life today our relationship has changed, we are scattered far apart and we only talk every once in a while maybe by phone, email, facebook or text, but it just isn't the same.

So as I write to you tonight I want you to think about the people around you that are at home in there tiny box, think about their story, their truth, because each and every light on in those windows has a person behind it and a story that is uniquely their own.  Just like you and I have.  I would encourage you to be a helper, companion, friend, someone others can talk to and depend on.  I think if we can all do that and break down the walls that separate us the world will be a much happier and prettier place.

I don't want to die alone or feel like I am not cared for or loved, because I know that I am.  But so are each of you.  We have to get past those boxes, those walls that separate us and reach out to others, we are social creatures and we need others around us and in our lives, or at least I do.  I am thinking about all of you tonight as I sit in my chair here in my home all alone and wonder what is you are doing while I am writing?  I don't think anyone really ever wants to be alone or intends to be alone it just sort of happens and as we get older, it is hard for us to socialize and get around.  Maybe take a trip to a nursing home and visit some of the folks shut in there.  Each one of them has a history and a past, a story that they can share with you and trust me you will be better for hearing it and being a part of their life.

Bette Midler had a song called "Hello in There"  and if you really listen to the song she is telling the story of how as people get older they are sometimes alone and forgotten, I don't want to be forgotten, and I definitely don't want to be alone, but I have no children of my own, and my brother is far away, and most of my friends are either in another state or another city and I don't get to see them much at all.

We need to take care of one another we are the only ones that can.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Follow up on Aging

I know I just wrote about how aging really isn't all it is cracked up to be.  I was talking with my nephew earlier today and I was explaining to him that I couldn't remember what I had for breakfast, but I could remember everything that has happened in my past.  Even he agreed that it was hard to believe that so much time had gone by.  See, him and I went to Pennsylvania to help my mother take care of our adopted grandmother.  It is hard to believe that 5 years have gone by now.  To me it seems like it was just yesterday that we were up there.  I can remember the snow, the cold and driving my mom and her to doctors appointments.  How we would go to New York to go to the mall because that was the closest place to where my mother lived.

It is funny I was one of those people that never got sick when I was younger, and was serving in the U.S. Navy.   However, I wasn't even out of the Navy for four months when I was diagnosed with stage 4 large cell lymphoma.  Since that time my health has declined steadily over the years.  I had never had to take pills before, and now I am taking 23 in the morning and 20 at night.  It is awful having to fill up the pill box every week with all those pills. Not to mention having to take them daily.

My best friend and I also spoke tonight and he said something that caught my attention and made me think.  He said that he sees more now than he did when he was in his 20's. I think that is true, that our experiences and journey have enabled us to gather enough knowledge to finally understand what really is happening around us.  Another thing that I realized is that all the stuff that my mother scolded me about when I was growing up. The very things she told me would happen and when in my 20's I didn't believe her, I practically ignored her.  But guess what, as I got older and experienced more of life, it became clear that she was telling me the truth and was trying to save me from pain and hurt.  Too bad I didn't listen and follow her advice and instructions. See I was stubborn and had to find out the hard way.  I had to experience everything for myself, go through it and experience it for myself.

It doesn't matter who you are or what your status in life is, you are going to face the challenge of aging.  You are going to feel things that you never felt before, have pains in places that never hurt before.  Muscle mass will start to decline, and your bone density will also start to deteriorate.  Honestly the body starts to slow down and break down.  Your joints might start to hurt because you have developed arthritis.  You also start forgetting and losing memories, your concentration weakens, etc.

The one thing that remains constant is that your hindsight becomes 20/20 and you can remember stuff that you did and experienced from your past. You know exactly where you have been, you can see clearly the path you have taken.  What you can't see is what the future holds for you.  You might be able to make an educated guess by observing your past patterns.  Each of us functions in patterns and habits, so you can probably predict what and where you are going based on your past actions.  But keep in mind that the future is not set in stone, you can change your destiny by breaking your patterns or even changing your habits.

Life wears us down, our bodies slow down as we age, and our cells just can't repair all the damage that life and age has done to our bodies.  One minute you are healthy and young, and the next thing you know you blink and you are middle aged.  Close your eyes again and time will have continued and you are now old.  Our minds don't age as fast as our bodies do, like I explained in my article about Aging that I wrote a day or so ago.  Keep in mind that as you age time seems to speed up. Maybe it is because your body is slowing down. Or it just might be our perspective and how are brains receive and process things.

But the cold hard truth is that time speeds up, the body slows down, as your body starts falling apart.  I encourage you to live your life in the moment and experience life, taste the flavors, and textures of the world around you.  No matter what your age is, there is always more that you can experience and learn.  Make sure you take the time to stop and smell the roses so to speak.  Take one day at a time and remember that nobody is perfect, we are just a work in progress that continues to learn and grow every day.

Getting older is no phone for anyone.  It sometimes take a toll on your body, sometimes not.  There is no discerning of illness, it can strike anyone at any time.  Take me for example I was 23 getting ready to turn 24 when I was diagnosed with cancer and told that I only had eighteen months to live.  I never thought I would see 40, but I have and I am still going.  Be who yourself and experience life's daily miracles and watch what you eat, exercise and maybe you will stay healthy your entire life.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Aging is not all that it is cracked up to be

Many of you will not be able to relate to what I am about to say.  But, I have felt every year as it passed me by since I was 24 years old. See, I came home from the Navy at the ripe old age of 23 and right before I turned 24 I was diagnosed with terminal stage 4 cancer. I went through several years of chemotherapy and radiation.  I lost years of my life just existing instead of truly living.

I moved to Atlanta at the age of 27 and spent almost 20 years there. It was in 2007 when that nasty cancer struck back and I lost my job, my home, my partner of 12 years, and even my self esteem, and sense of self all in one fell stroke.  It has taken me years to come back from it all.  But, this article isn't just about me.

My best friend's mother is 66 years old, she is frail, has a speech disorder and can barely get around. My friend has given up his freedom and livelihood to take care of his mother.  My mother is a similar case however my mother is 68 years old and can barely walk do to a spinal cord injury.  My mother can take a few small steps, but for the most part is confined to a wheel chair.

I once asked my mother before her accident how she felt, and what she said to me stuck with me for all these years.  She told me that if she didn't have the aches and pains she would have felt like she was still in her 20's, but when she looks in the mirror there is a stranger staring back at her.  Who is this person with the white hair and wrinkles that has her eyes.  The simple truth is it is her, herself staring back but her mind cannot accept that reflection.

Yesterday, I walked to the store with my neighbor, and by the time I got back to my house my back was hurting and I felt extremely warn out.  I even told my friend that I was feeling all 46 years that I have been alive, like I have never felt before.  Age seems to creep up on us, our minds don't measure time in  the same way that our exterior body does.  We can feel as young as we want to in our mind and spirit, but age shows in the slight crinkles around the eyes, the laugh lines around the lips etc.

Time seems to speed up the older we get.  We were once able to do so many things during a day. We would go to school, hangout with friends, do homework and party and do it all over again the next day.  Today, I can barely get everything I want to get done finished in a single day.  But tell me where does time go?  How is it that we went from being twenty somethings to forty somethings?  Why didn't we notice it happening.  Why does the person staring back at me in the mirror not remind me of myself?

Time apparently waits for no one and everyone ages.  How we do it is up to us. Some of us don't look our age, and then there are those around us that look older than they are.  How does all of this reconcile as we age?  I am not sure that I can comprehend that I am now middle aged and that youth has passed me by.  I have waited on the sidelines for many years due to illness and here I go again.

I can tell you that health plays a major role in all of this.  See my best friend's mother just a year and a half ago had no issues or problems. Today you wouldn't even recognize her.  It seems that age can creep up on us really fast and leave us holding our breathe.  In this I can also relate. When I left Atlanta that morning back in 2012 I was so sick with kidney disease, and had just had surgery to remove kidney stones.  It truly was my intention to come home to die.  Guess what I fooled everybody because I am still here, but over the past 3 years my health has declined noticeably and I can no longer do some of the things I used to do when I was younger.

It is these limitations that let me know that I have truly aged. No matter what my mind has told me I am every bit of 46 and there is no getting around that.  Since 2013 I have spent around 20 times in the hospital, these are admission stays that I am talking about, ER visits are way more.  Over these past couple of years I have had to have 2 more abdominal surgery, one vein repair from an aneurysm then had an extended stay in a rehab/skilled nursing facility.  My health has declined and not gotten any better.  Just like my mother and my best friends mother, both are experiencing complications due to age.

It is unfortunate but all of us age. We all get older and we all feel it differently.  Some of us get aching joints, others get cancer or some other illness.  But, despite it all life goes on.

My eyes have awakened to my own hypocrisy, when I was young I like younger people. I never dated anyone my age or older.  Now that I am older I find that I am still attracted to younger guys, but I have become what I always hated the older guy that used to hit on me when I was in the club.  Age does not necessarily bring wisdom, but it does bring experience and knowledge.

My tastes are changing just as I am aging.  I find people closer to my own age attractive and I have realized my blunders.  How much of my life have I missed because of preferences and screwed up priorities?  I would have to say more than half of my life have I lost many opportunities and missed relationships.  However, because of the very illnesses and operations that I have had, made me reevaluate my preferences and priorities.  I find that people my own age can relate to the things that I find myself going through better than the younger generation.

The older I get  the more issues come up.  The more pills I have to take to keep myself alive and healthy.  But, this is not just happening to me, it is happening to all of us.  Some of you are way younger than I am.  Some of you were born the same year I graduated high school and you have no concept of age, and what is about to happen to you.  See, I have to tell you once again that as you age, time seems to go so much faster.  When you blink a whole month flies by, and before you know it the year is ending and a new one beginning.

My advice to you is to revel in your youth, enjoy it while you can.  Live in the moment and experience life to it's fullest.  Handle every obstacle that life throws at you with grace and courage.  Be confident in all your dealings, know what you want and go for it. Take charge of your future, you are the one that writes your fate.

And if you look in the mirror one morning and you don't recognize the person looking back at you. Take heart that you have aged gracefully and rose to every challenge.  No matter what aches and pains you have, look back at all that you have accomplished and be happy with where you are at.

Take your medicines regularly and keep a positive attitude and it will help you conquer anything that comes your way. Take care of yourself, eat right and get plenty of sleep. I think you will find that your body and mind thanks you.

Aging isn't fun at all, but it is something that we all have to do. So make the best of it. Age gracefully and know when to let go.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B