Marching Onward with Time

You cannot hold back the hands of time, they march ever onward never stopping. Seconds turn to Minutes, Minutes to Hours, Hours to Days, Days to Weeks and Weeks turn to Months, Months to Years.

Everything has a progression there is no stopping the ticking of the clock, the hour hand moves inevitably towards tomorrow.  Nothing can last against it's angry sway.  Even month move into seasons and seasons into years and then starts all over again.  It is an endless cycle that has no end.  

No matter what you do the human body cannot fight against time, and aging takes place. Though it's passage is slow the evidence becomes apparent soon enough first comes the roll, then the wrinkles, the hair thins and grays, the lines deepen around the eyes.  Nothing prepares us for this eternal march.

Life is full of events that make up episodes and those episodes play out into the span of months and years nothing changes the fact that time doesn't slow down not even a fraction, no matter what you do or try.  Nothing has any permanence anymore, everything is made to break down and be replaced this is what the world has devolved to in the modern age.

But with every invention that eases the burdens of man, time is the great equalizer making all things the same. equal. No one can run the race against time and win, because the body will give out way before the clock on the wall stops its ever onward rotation.  We have trained ourselves to celebrate these passing years as a type of victory, that marks the year of our birth.  Nothing can take that away from us that small victory that we celebrate with each passing year of life.

Judge not what others do for they are playing out their own version of the same story that you are in. Though the characters change everyone of is fraught with a multitude of issues, everyone has them no one is exempt from them.  How we deal with them and move forward is what defines us.  But in the case of time, our bodies slow and break down but in most cases the mind stays nimble and alert.  Looking out for familiar patterns and doing things that make our world unique and our own. Stop for a moment and look at the world around us and see what is taking place around you and you will be amazed at how other's lives parallel yours.  No one is exempt from the tolling bell and we will all succumb to the numb darkness of death in our own time.

Nothing tells us the day or the hour in which we will pass from this world to the next but you can be assured that the clock on the wall is keeping track of every second that you remain in this plane. Nothing can change the fact that even though time was created by man to help them navigate the daily rotation of the sun around the earth it also helps us measure the path that we take daily.  We use it to govern our lives and we come close to worshiping it.  Because we each have things that we need to accomplish during certain parts of the day.  

Years treat each person differently and nothing stays the same forever, each of us is just going through time floating like a ship adrift on the sea.  There is no compass to guide us just the rotation of the hand against our brains.  We have ingrained upon ourselves the necessity to abide by time and therefore it controls almost every aspect of our lives. We punch a clock when we work, we go to sleep at a certain time, get up and start it all over again.  This is not how it is supposed to be. But we are human and need guidelines and rules to keep us going at a steady pace so that each day is fulfilled to the fullest, or that is what the majority of humanity thinks.

I don't care what anyone else thinks or believes, because no matter what the march of time might have done to me I am still here chugging along, and yes I am 50 now, but I still feel like I am in my 30's. Yes I have a few more aches and pains then I used to but guess what I don't look anywhere near my age and I am still able to get out and do all that I need to to get through the day, I don't have to punch a time clock and I still survive. I do things when the time is appropriate for me and not for others.  I try to abide by the structure so that I can make to appointments and stuff like that but I will tell you other than that time hold real no meaning for me in this life anymore. Each day is a challenge and I start them all the same as a brand new slate with nothing etched in it and I can screw it up anyway that I want and I am content to live like that.  

Dimly I am aware that time passes and I acknowledge that passing with a glance and a move forward, because with each new down is a world that is open to interpretation and new mysteries and adventures are to be had. I am not locked into a single way of life and I keep surprising myself with all that I get done in a single day. How is time treating you and how well are you holding up under the pressure of age?

Let me know I would like to hear your thoughts about this.

As always you are in my hopes and dreams,

Uncle B

Life is Finite

08/29/18

Getting older, aging is a part of life itself.  You know that life is fleeting, that we are here one minute and gone the next.  This is part of the Human Condition, it is inevitable and everyone of us must face the certainty of death to come.

Most of us measure our lives in years, some by achievements, others by amassed wealth or possessions.  No matter how you measure your life you know that at some point it is all going to come to an end.  Some plan for it, other's are taken completely unaware, and some live by the moment.  Because living in the moment and by the moment keeps them in the present and leaves no room for the past to hold them back or slow them down, that way they can experience and enjoy every moment they have upon the Earth.

It's very hard for me to live in the moment and stay there.  Being sick for so long I have tried to teach and program myself to live in the moment and not take each day for granted and enjoy the time I have and give thanks for every new dawn that I get to draw a breathe, but my past has a hold on me and maybe it is fear that is locking me down or just not wanting to totally give up on people that has me constantly looking toward past relationships hoping that one day they might come back into my life.  I have explored this in other post, but I honestly think that because they were able to accept me for the person I am with all of my physical limitations and illnesses, that I fear I won't be able to find anyone that will be able to in the future.  I know that I am not perfect and I have made many mistakes in my life.  That too is a part of the Human Condition, we learn from our mistakes and the more painful the mistake the greater the lesson that is learned.  I once believed that the only way that we truly learn is through pain, however as I have gotten older I am beginning to see that humans have a a greater capacity for learning and understanding than I once had given us credit for.  I have since learned that we also learn through memorization, repetition and through trust, these are the most common ways we retain knowledge. 

Yet wisdom is something that is gained from knowledge accumulated over time and put into practical use and practice.  Just because you have some knowledge and understanding it doesn't mean that you are wise or have achieved wisdom.  I think wisdom is knowing when to apply your knowledge and understanding tempered with kindness and compassion.  This can take years to achieve and is something that we gain as we age and mature.  It is not something that happens overnight, wisdom, patience, understanding, compassion and knowledge all go hand in and hand.  In order to achieve the state of wisdom you must master all the required parts.

As most of you are aware I have been sick since 1992.  Not every single day but more often than not.  I have battled many types of cancer along with hepatitis C and HIV.  I have experienced chronic renal failure, had more surgeries than you can imagine and recently started experiencing heart issues.  No one knows better than me how fragile this body is, how tenuous our life is and how fleeting the moments we share with other can be.  No one knows when we are going to die, not the hour or the day.  Some of our lives may be long life, others will be cut short. None us can fathom the cause of our own demise whether it be from illness, tragedy, disaster or some other form. 

I have always tried to cultivate lasting relationships, I have wanted to be in all the way for the long haul.  Everywhere, I have gone and every person I meet I try to lay the groundwork and foundation for a long enduring and lasting friendship.  Many of you I have met in high school, college or during my time in the Navy, others still from my time when I was in Atlanta, when I moved there 25 years ago.  Technology has come a long way enabling us to reach out and talk to each other.  FaceBook, Twitter and other social media have given us a platform and an environment where each of us can showcase our lives and achievements.  Where we can record the narrative of our lives and reach out and connect with those that we have lost contact with over the years.  Times have sure changed!

In just a few short months I will be turning 50 years old.  Many of my friends and loved ones didn't make it to my age and I miss them sorely, and think about them all the time.  I find turning 50 both a blessing and a curse, I had never in a million years ever thought that I would ever make to this age.  I can remember when I was in my early 20's thinking that I wouldn't ever reach 35 and that was so old back then.  I sneezed and looked in the mirror and wow look at all the time that has passed.  I still grieve and mourn for those that have come into my life and are no longer with us.  Many of whom I feel were more deserving than me to live, yet they were take away totally too soon.

Many of my peers can relate, we lived through the 80's and 90's and lost so many friend during that time.  Even though I am aging and my body is weakening and falling apart, I will tell you that I am thankful and grateful to be here with you still today.  But life is finite, it is fleeting and sometimes very brief.  Please be sure to make time to talk to those that mean something to you.  Reach out to them and tell them that you love them, and appreciate the.  Let them know that you care and they are important to you.  There are so many friends that I have lost over the years to drugs, disease and tragedy that I wish I could have told them how much I cared about them and how much they meant to me.  If I had the opportunity now to tell them something I would tell them that I miss them every day and wish that I had been a better friend and knew how to communicate better with them when they were alive.

I don't know how much time I have left. You don't know how much time you have left either.  Somebody can be in your life one day and be gone the next.  I know this from very personal experience.  I just recently lost a roommate and a very good friend around the same time that I found out that my dad had extensive lung cancer and metastasized tumors in the brain, my brother is dealing with End Stage Renal disease and my mother a paraplegic and extremely ill.  This has all come to light in just a very short time span and I don't know when or if I will ever get to see any of them again.

Do yourself a favor and reach out to those that you count as a friend and loved one let them know exactly how much they mean to you, tell them that they matter to you.  If you aren't truly there for them like you should be or if your friendship is strained then make and effort to fix it before it is too late.  Save yourself some regret and make it right. Because you just don't know what tomorrow might bring.

So at this time I want to reach out to each and every one of you.  I want to say thank you for being my friend.  Thank you for listening to me, being there for me! You are important to me and I care about you and I am thinking about you a lot.  Pick up the phone, drop and email, write a letter, send a card do something! Let's get our friendship back on track, you are part of me, you have taught me so much and I am grateful for you each and every day.  I miss interacting with you, being able to see you and talk to you.  I want to reclaim our friendship. I am here for you and I love you.  My life is more complete just because you are in it and I wouldn't want it any other way.  We need each other!

LIVE IS FINITE IT HAS AND END! I want you to be there with me all the way! What do you say I look forward to hearing from you soon.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Aging Gracefully Under Pressure

As we get older it gets harder and harder to relate to others, and if we aren't careful we might end up all alone.  There seems to be an unspoken concesus in the world that we are supposed to act a certain way as we age.  Unfortunately, I seem to have not gotten the correct memo.  Because no matter how old I get I still like the things I used to like when I was younger.  I still like to read and write, and most of my other habits have remained relatively the same.  Though I have noticed that the older I get the less tolerant of certain things I become.  However, I believe that I have always had the same issues I just didn't speak on them like I do now.  It is my contention that the world around me might have changed but I have pretty much remained the same.  I am getting older this is true, but that doesn't make me any smarter or wiser, just experienced. 

What I can tell you is that life doesn't get any easier the older you get.  You still have the same worries and concerns that you had when you were growing up.  Bills still have to be paid, and you still have the family concerns but you have to add on new health issues that you didn't have before.   Next thing you know you are sprouting grey hairs in the most unlikely of places, such as your ears, nose and other unseemly places.  You also start to realize that you really don't have all the answers of the universe, and you begin to realize that your parents weren't so off the mark.  However, aging isn't something that happens all at once, it is a gradual change and your body seems to recognize it before your brain ever does.

Sometimes, I wish I would have listened more closely to the advice my parents gave me, but no I had to be a hard head and do things my way.  I didn't take their experience into consideration.  I just looked at it like every other kid, that my parents just wanted to control me and ruin my life.  Oh how I was wrong on those assumptions, because whether or not I cared to admit it most of the time they were just trying to help me avoid some of the common mistakes that they made when they were young.   Trust me when I tell you that I never thought that I would ever get this close to 50, but here I am just a sneeze and a wink away from it.  I used to think that being 45 or higher was old, now that I am there myself, I see that it is middle aged.  I honestly didn't really start living my life until I was in my late 20's early 30's,  and now I wonder what was the big deal when I was younger.

Growing old gracefully is something that we all should try to strive for.  Use our experience to help mold and guide others that are growing up behind us.  I remember years ago a dear friend gave me a pearl of wisdom and that was to stop looking for the impossible and the improbable, be happy with yourself first and everything else will fall into place.  Let me tell you that is easier said then done.  I still had all these preconceived notions of what my life was going to be when I reached the ripe old age of 45.  Guess what my ideas and notions were dead wrong.  I never in a million years would have imagined how my life actually ended up turning out.  I had no road map or guidebook to help me navigate the myriad of health problems that was going to plague my life. 

Hell at 28 I had a career, two houses, a loving partner, two dogs, a cat and 3 automobiles.  I never in my life imagined that cancer would come back into my life and rob me of the things that I worked hard to get.  I watched everything crumble around me.  How illness and disease drove a wedge between me and my partner.  In just a few short years everything that we had worked so hard to achieve and accomplish in our 12 years together, just disappeared like a dream.  It has taken me long time to come to grips with what had happened and how it all faded so quickly.  If someone would have told me that I should have looked at the situation from my partners perspective things might have turned out a lot differently.  But I never could quite put myself in his shoes, and I didn't realize until it was much to late, how powerless and helpless he felt knowing the pain that I was in and  being unable to help in anyway.  I watched how it robbed our relationship of it's vitality as I battled harder and harder to beat cancer.  

Though that was a long time ago now and he has moved on and is doing well for himself, I never once understood how solitary being sick all the time renders a person.  No one can understand what you are going through unless they have gone through something similar themselves.  No one will understand the pain that you have to endure as your body starts failing at the most basic levels.  Or how weak you would get from the treatments, and the dangers those same treatments were to you.  I have learned a lot over the years about myself, my body, and my illness.  I can pretty much diagnose whatever ills come my way now without a doctors help.  But, it is a journey that you have to make on your own.  Not one person is ever really going to understand all the things that you have to go through. 

Now that I am 47 years old and have gone through 4 major bouts of cancer, I can look back and see the stress and stain my illness has had on everyone around me.  I just wish I could have noticed it much sooner.  But, time marches on and I have lost quite a few good people from my life, I hope that they understand that I am thankful for them being with me and standing my side while I was going through the worst moments of my life.  I hope they understand that the support that they gave was exactly what I needed at the time.

I want you to know that as you age certain parts of your body suffer before others.  For some it is the joints, arthritis creaps in and stiffens you and is very painful.  Others their hips and knees give out and they end up having serious falls and spills that could potentially be life threatening.  Most people suffer from chronic pain and have to take medicine daily to function somewhat normally.  But there is no instruction manual no easy way to comprehend the changes that occur in your body the older you get.  You must be patient if others around you don't understand or sympathize with what you are going through, because they themselves might not even suffer from the same malidies that you are. 

My one piece of advice that I would give to you is this, be receptive to the feeling of others, put yourself in their shoes, and try to understand that because their circumstances are different than yours, doesn't mean that they don't care and hurt right along with you.  Aging is not something to take lightly, and trust me when I say to you that before you know it you are going to be exactly where I am at today.  One positive experience I have had was that I ended up in a skilled nursing facility/rehabilitation center for my back when 10 of my vertabrae fractured. I got to meet some very interesting people and I understand what it is like to feel alone and forgotten behind the walls of a home like that.   It is surprise how many individuals reside in these facilities that never see family or friends. 

It is sad that in today's society we would rather let someone else deal with our elderly loved ones than take care of them ourselves.  I spent 9 months in a facility and only had someone come visit me once a week.  I made it a practice when I had a vehicle to go up and see the people at the home every Sunday once I got out.  But, more and more people end up in these homes lost and forgotten.  Yet, what a store of knowledge they have, and experience and wisdom if we just took the time to reach out to them.  Eventually I will end up in an assisted living facility I think or maybe in a retirement community of some sort because of my extensive health issues, but I am not rushing into that situation until it becomes absolutely necessary.

As you get older you hope that you will have a better understanding of people, their motivations, the angles that they use and how to avoid them. Unfortunately, if you haven't learned how to tell if someone is running game on you before then nothing will change as you get older.   I have never been a good judge of character and life wasn't always easy for me, but through the struggles I have endured, I have become a more knowledgable person, and stronger than anyone could ever imagine.  Yet, to some people looking at my life from the outside they would probably think that I have had it easy, that things seemed to come naturally to me and that my life has been pretty amazing, outstanding and awesome.  For the most part I would agree.  I have met some really famous people and can call them friends, I have been in social setting where no matter my actual standing I always seem to fit in.  I have had some grand adventures and done the most amazing things during my time on the Earth. 

I have some great stories to tell, but that will have to be at some future time.  Aging gracefully is something you just do, it isn't something that  is taught in school, it is taught by life itself. From the moment you were born till the day you die you will always feel the pressure of your responsibilities, but that doesn't diminish your life and what you have accomplished.  Life is but a journey with many rest areas along the way.  We will never know how the story is going to end till we get there.  You are never to old to have surprises, and you will continue to learn and experience things.  Just be you, be happy, be confident, be pround, because every experience you have will continue to mold you and develop you into an extraordinary being.  You are growing, evolving, experiencing, learning, achieving new things the longer you are here on this planet.  You can't ever be replaced, because there is only one you. You are totally unique in everything you do.  Remember that!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B