My birthday just passed on December 1, 2018 and I reached my 50th birthday. A mark in my personal history that I thought I would never reach. Many of you know my story and my history and have known that I have been sick for a very long time. That almost 27 years ago now I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Large Cell Lymphoma that destroyed most of my Large and Small intestines. I have been lucky and have survived through many things throughout the years. But nothing ever prepares you for the future. It is true that with each illness I have gained knowledge and strength, I have been surprised with the ferocity that the illness returns each time. Even now I am being plagued by internal bleeding and not knowing what is actually wrong and causing it. I have spent most of the month of November in and out of the hospital, had to have blood transfusions and a battery of tests that were inconclusive and didn't shed any light on my recent illness and lack of strength.
2018 has been a strange year for me. It moved fairly rapidly and many things happened that have left me with my head spinning and less of an understanding regarding human nature. It is also true that the strong prey on the weak, and people constantly try to take advantage of the ones that they think are weaker or nicer then themselves. I have been constantly embroiled in a battle since 2010 where I have been continually used and abused by people I struggled to help and who I thought I was doing good by. When I ran into difficulties of my own, I found myself struggling alone and there was no one around willing to help me in the same ways that I had helped them. I bounced around and was struggling constantly battling drug abuse, homelessness and hunger. Several times I attempted to change my circumstances and twice things rebounded on me and I ended up on my own and all alone again.
I lost a lot of friends and acquaintances over the past 2 years to drug overdose and complications to HIV/AIDS it hasn't been a comforting thought. I never thought that I would face such loss. Now that 2018 is drawing to a close I am reminded that some of my very best friends are no longer here. Every one of my family members is sick currently, and none of the prognosis's are good. My father is battling in operable stage 4 lung cancer, and my brother is battling end-stage renal disease, my mother is paralyzed from the waist down and has been extremely sick since June. All of us have been going through hospitalizations and multiple doctor visits.
We also lost my dad's youngest brother in November to Lung cancer and the family is still in shock about that. It is unfortunate that as we get older our bodies tend to weaken and our ability to heal slows and we don't recover as fast as we did when we were younger. It is hard to believe that I am 50 years old now, that I have reached middle age and haven't really grasped the essential concepts of how to live and survive on my own. My entire life I have been constantly surrounded by other people and have been a care-giver. I thought that by now I would have at least learned the basics of survival and living on my own. But unfortunately, somehow I missed those life lessons.
Nothing that I have been through has prepared me for the future that is looming in front of me. I am suffering from the loss of many of my friends and a support network. I am in love with someone that I realize doesn't honestly feel the same way for me. I struggle with depression and dependence issues and I also have a desire to change my outlook on life. With the possible loss of my family closing in on the horizon, I am afraid of what I am going to find when I am all alone. I have never learned how to survive on my own and I struggle daily to overcome my own depression and weaknesses. I am afraid that once I loose my parents I will be totally lost and will not know what to do with the rest of my life.
None of my dreams ever included me outliving my friends, peers or my parents. I thought when I was diagnosed with cancer that it was the end for me but I have survived longer then most other people and I have overcome so many obstacles and outlived so many predictions of my demise. I am not sure what I actually thought my life was going to be like, but this is not what I imagined when I left Orlando the first time and followed Joe Royer to Atlanta. I never imagined in a million years that I would suffer from Colon cancer and that I would become disabled at such a young age. I never really faced the truth of it all preferring to loose myself in drug use and addiction. I surrounded myself by like minded individuals and created relationships and sexual partnerships with those that were lost in that world. I have clung to the tapestry of my life and my existence because I really knew no other way. Now I am back in Orlando, back where it all started and some of the same people that I have known from my past are here as well. I am trying to rekindle those lost friendships and relationships trying to rebuild my life and change the course of self-destruction that I have been on.
I don't understand what the future has in store for me but I know that I don't want to continue down the path that I have been going down for so long. I want to change and by doing so I need to change everything about my life and what I have going on around me. I want my partner to be with me, but if he doesn't want me in the same way that I want him then I am afraid that I am just waisting my time all over again and just setting myself up for heartache and pain. I am going to stop writing tonight and continue this more in morning when I have more time to reflect on my life and situation.
Till we meet again in the morning! Well it is actually a few days later I am picking up where I left off. Today is now the 9th of December and I have gained a few more insights into the world that I was writing about the other day and I wanted to finish up on the topic of Nothing Prepares Us for the Future. From the previous written dialogue you can see that I wasn't given a manual in which spelled out the answers to all of life's problems and made it easier to live by. No after Joe and I broke up my life changed dramatically, I couldn't seem to pull myself together in any way that mattered. I have struggled from that moment on till now, I can't explain it. But the lessons I should have picked up along the way I didn't or maybe have forgotten. I pushed myself further into my misery and drug addiction and as I said surrounded myself by like minded individuals. I lost myself and my direction and it has taken me years to come back to the realization that I am a person and that I do matter and that I do count and that I have purpose and meaning. I still haven't made it back to my go out and get what I want personality but I am striving daily to reach it.
I realized not too long ago that when I left Orlando and went to Atlanta I had a go getter mindset. I saw what I wanted and I set about getting it. Years of being with Joe softened me and then illness struck and I lost heart and hope. I gave up literally because I couldn't see a future with me being the broken and lost person that I was. I suffered and still do at times from the illusion that the Gay lifestyle and world couldn't accept me, that I was a broken person and that I had no place in either gay or straight society. I was hurt and lost, I drifted aimlessly for years feeling sorry for myself and I left so many friends and loved ones behind in my self-pity trip. Luckily many of them have stayed on the edges of my life all these years and I hear from them every once in awhile. But here I am now at 50 and I am looking at my life and wondering where to go and how to begin again. As you may be aware I have never figured out how to give up or surrender. I just couldn't figure out how to stop living, waking up in the morning and going on with life.
For many years I dedicated myself to the service of other people, trying to help out where I could and take care of those that needed it. I threw myself into trying to take care of everyone and being there to help others that were in need. In other words I gave myself over to the service of others and I put their needs ahead of my own. In a sense this worked to give me a purpose and I woke up daily to take care of those that I felt were less fortunate than me and who needed my help. By focusing on their needs I was able to put my own to the back of my mind and focus totally on them. This maybe the very reason why I am still with you today. I selflessly dedicated myself to helping and taking care of others. I created a huge extended family and I struggled to take care of each and every person that I cared about. This may seem crazy to you but I believe that by doing this I was able to live a much longer and fuller life than I normally would have. I believe that my dedication to others is what helped me survive all the sickness and illness that plagued me through the years and helped give me the desired will to survive so that I could continue taking care of those that mattered to me.
Food for thought: We are not able to chose our own family but we do have the ability to create and extended family that we can relate to and who is there to support us and nurture us and we offer similar support back in return. Many of you are in my extended family and I am grateful to have each and every one of you in my life.
As I am looking back on the days that have gone by and I be extremely honest with myself we endured a lot and overcame so many hardships that bonded us together in ways that others just couldn't understand. Despite that we are all separated by distance now and have scattered to the 4 winds. Some of us still in Atlanta, others in California, Florida, Texas, Chicago and other places we are still a family and what brought us together is apart of us forever. Our mutual experiences and the challenges that we faced and overcome together have bonded us in ways that make us irreplaceable in each others lives. No one can take the place you hold in my heart ever and no one will ever be able to replace what you mean to me and how you are a part of me. Each of us has left their mark on the other and that has helped shape us into the people that we have become. I know that it might seem like I was complaining earlier about my life and the losses that I suffered and have endured but the truth is I wouldn't change any of it for the world because if I did I wouldn't be the same person that I am today and you wouldn't be in my life making me a better person.
I may not have learned how to take care of myself and learned how to live alone, but I learned something just as equally important. I learned how to take care and appreciate others, I learned how personal sacrifice and dedication of the heart and spirit to the wellbeing of others is helpful to ourselves. If I hadn't I probably wouldn't be here today. Many of you would have to visit my resting place and wouldn't be able to talk to me like you can today. So let me thank you for helping me learn this lesson and for giving me the strength to carry on when all seemed so hopeless around me. Understand and know that you are the life source that has kept me alive and healthy all of these years.
Now that I am looking toward the future and many of us have been scattered to the 4 corners of the earth I am struck by the over powering desire to reconcile all of my differences with everyone, to apologize for the wrongs that I have done and the sins that I may have committed against you. I want to rekindle the relationships the friendships and bridge the hurts, the harsh words and bitter emotions that might be separating us. I want to be your friend again, and be able to count you as mine and for us to be there for one another because lets face it none of us are getting any younger. We are going to need each other and we once supported one another and will probably need to do it again as we move forward.
I was feeling melancholy when I started writing this entry into my blog, but I am feeling better now that I am drawing to a close. My desire above all else is for us to all come together again in person. I still have a dream that has been with me for a long time now. In the future we are all of going to need a place to call home. Many of you might remember us talking about and joking about me starting a retirement home, I used to call it Mommas Home for Wayward Homosexuals. It is my dream to buy a huge mansion one day and bring all of us who know and love each other back together again and have our own place. A place where everyone has a place there are no expectations, no recriminations and everyone can live out the rest of their lives in happiness and friendship, surrounded by love, light and happiness. This is not an impossible dream or goal and might be something that we could all accomplish together. Creating our own compound where we all live and work together to build a stronger and brighter future for ourselves and where each of us is able to live stress and debt free.
Please let's try and make my dream a reality.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label together. Show all posts
Showing posts with label together. Show all posts
Sunday, December 9, 2018
Sunday, February 1, 2015
Ideas on friendship and relationships
Did you know that when I approach a new person, a stranger to myself, that I approach them exactly the same exact way. I plan on developing a life long friendship with that person. When I extend my hand in friendship to you, it is not something that I do lightly. When I tell you that you are my friend you are till the end. I would say that 85 percent of the friends in my life I have known more than 10 years, or darn close too it.
I have been guided by the philosophy that my grandfather told me almost 30 years ago. He told me "Bryan a person doesn't leave their mark on this world by how much material possessions they accumulate or how much wealth they have, or houses or anything like that. A man leaves his mark on the world by how many lives he has touched and how many people remember him after he is gone. " I don't take my friendships lightly, if extend my hand to you I mean it to be a bond that is going to last forever.
I feel that there are always room for more friendships in this life. I don't think one person is supposed to handle everything that life has on their own. They need an extended family, a support network and friends that all pull together when things go wrong. People that you can depend on, trust with your life and know that they value you just as much. I have been so very blessed since I moved back to Florida in March of 2012. I was introduced by Donna Wood (my original case manager here) to Jeff Allen and his partner Jim Geary and was told about PCHAAP and the Daytona Speakers Bureau (Now the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau) through Jeff and Jim I met Omar Mayes and Mary Benefield, Jack Garcia and Robert Moyer. These people helped me transition from my old life in Atlanta to the slower more moderate pace of Daytona.
I am so very happy that each and everyone of them has come into my life, and though over the past 2 years my life and health has been a constant roller coaster ride. They have stuck with me and encouraged me to get back on my feet and healthy. I don't think that I would have stayed in Daytona if it wasn't for this wonderful group of people that have been in my life since the 2nd week I was here. Over the years we have all been through our own ups and downs but we have remained close through everything that has come at all of us. Now, more and more people are coming into my life from exposure to this dynamic group and all I can say is that I am so excited and happy that I am still here and participating once again.
But do you know what friendship means too me? These are the folks I turn too when I am sad, hurt, sick and down. They are my friends whether I am healthy or ill. They stay in touch with me and make me feel like I am a part of their group and family. They have become my extended family. I saw a picture tonight and it said "Blood means we are related, Loyalty means we are family". What an honest and universal truth that is.
So you know more about me now than you did before, but here is some interesting tidbits of information that I would like to share with you. I am not the kind of person that is going to be super clingy, I am a person who is always there just at the edge of sight that you can call or holler at. I am going to come to your aid and defense whenever I am needed no matter what. I am also the one that tries to put myself in the other persons shoes and think about what they are going through and I explain it to everyone else around me in terms that they can understand. Understand that there is a significant difference in explaining things in terms that people can understand and talking down to people.
I learned along time ago that it necessarily isn't what you say but the manner in which is spoken that is the cause of strife in life. You have to be very careful how you put thing out there. Remember that anything put into the universe by you comes back ten fold whether good or bad it comes back at you trust me on this.
I have also learned that no matter how much you want someone to change, or how much help you offer others that you see in need, that they are not going to change unless they really want too. The old adage "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink" holds true with individuals as well. You can put yourself out there and try and help those around you, but unless they have reached a point in their own life that they want to change they aren't going too no matter what you do. A person has to reach rock bottom before they turn their lives around. It hurts to watch someone you love spiral downward and crash, but sometimes you have to give tough love and let them make their own decisions. Keep in mind that it is their life not yours. They have to live and learn their own way.
You don't owe anyone any explanation for what you are feeling and what your decisions are. See, you must be concerned with yourself first and foremost then what others think or feel about you. It is your time, your life, and you have to do for you because no one else will do for you. Hold your head high and move forward you owe no one an explanation, you have your own mind and are blessed with intelligence to make your own decisions. Do not let others make you feel guilty for what you have decided is best for you and your life, because it is you who has to live with your decision no one else.
I am also a person who loves hard and gives 100 percent of myself in a relationship and I have certain expectations from the person that I am dating. I am hurting and hunting for someone to love me as much as I love them. I would love to find a person who can and wants to spend the rest of their life with me building a future together. I believe that a relationship is something that should not be entered into lightly, I believe that it takes a combination of love, trust, faith and honesty for a relationship to work. I think that it is a mutual partnership that helps each party of the relationship to build on and move towards the next level.
In a nut shell you are agreeing that no matter what the circumstances are, the situations you find yourselves in, and no matter who or what comes into or through your lives you do not let them interfere with the two of you. It takes a total change in mindset, for a relationship to work. You are now making decisions and choices for two. You have to consider your partners feelings, thoughts, expectations before you make any choice. You have to think of we before you think of I. If you can't do that then you shouldn't be in a relationship anyway, because you are not going to remain faithful to the commitment that you have made to each other.
Love is just a minor part of the relationship equation. There is so much work involved and it constantly needs to be tended and watered, nurtured and taken care of. So if you are of the fainthearted sort you may want to avoid them as long as you can. Because when you are thinking for two it is much more difficult than thinking for one person. See when you are in a relationship you owe your partner an explanation for everything you do. They deserve that respect and consideration.
See my last relationship wasn't based on trust, loyalty and love. I gave love and a hundred percent of myself, but it wasn't returned. Every chance my ex got to talk and speak to other guys he did. He would often mislead me into going on trips to Atlanta because he had been flirting with someone either on Facebook or Adam4Adam. Every single time we would go to Atlanta, I would come back to Florida and have to spend 3 or more days in the hospital. We were constantly battling the past and addictions and couldn't move forward together, because it wasn't what he really wanted.
I tried to build a home and a new life in Florida, and all he longed for was to go back to his old life in Atlanta. But even going back to Atlanta he found that he couldn't bring back that old life no matter how hard he tried. I believe that he has finally battled and defeated the demon that was holding him in check here. He no longer has a need for the drug that kept us fighting and in trouble. He has moved on and is in a new relationship and I am glad that he is doing well for himself. But I can tell that he isn't where he wants to be mentally. He still feels he needs to get out there and get his own place and stuff again. I don't think he can actually do that when he is struggling in a relationship.
I have found a happy place in the middle for myself. I am out on my own and surrounded by a loving network of friends that are close by and I can reach out and pick up the phone and call them. I have my own little one bedroom place close to the causeway that will take me over to beach side and I am enjoying a certain sense of freedom and independence. I have even started talking to someone that I had met on one of mine and my ex's adventures to Atlanta. As a matter of fact I am planning on going down to South Florida to see him and celebrate his birthday with him. I am wanting to take my time and explore and learn everything I can about this person. He caught my imagination, my mind and has intrigued my soul. He likes the fact that I am an intellectual and he supports my passion for writing and feels that I am extremely gifted when it comes to putting thoughts on paper. I believe that this is a person who is close enough in age to me that we have lot's of things in common and can come together and build a strong relationship based on mutual trust, understanding and respect, with a healthy dose of attraction and love thrown into the mix.
So do you think you know me pretty well now? We have just scratched the surface of my beliefs and desires. But if you take the time to explore my blog from the beginning to now, I think you will have a better understanding of who I am and what I am looking for in life. You will learn the cold hard facts of the addictions I have faced and overcome. You will also learn about my fears, desires, random thoughts and the journey that I am on.
I am not sure if a person can ever truly know another person. You can begin to understand them a little better, you can see their motivations, but I don't think you can ever really truly know what is going on in their head or what they are thinking. In my past I have been blindsided by hidden agendas and half-truths that it makes it hard for me to 100 percent trust anyone. But I am not letting my past color my future, and I will not let that same past interfere with my happiness and my ability to get to know this new person that has come into my life.
See for right now everything is about me and him and it might eventually become a WE thing, but I am going to have to wait and see. I do know that I care about him and that I have made him 2 promises that I know will be very easy for me to keep. The first promise is that I will never lie to him, he will always know my heart and mind before anyone else does, and the second is that no matter how busy I am in my life I will never be too busy for him. See I know that if I want him to take a central role in my life that I am going to have to be completely open, and honest with him and myself. I can't rationalize, generalize or kid myself into thinking something that isn't the whole truth.
I also have to be flexible, open to change and be non judgmental. I have caught myself attempting to compare previous relationships to the one that I am currently in, and I have learned that no two people are the same, therefore the relationship are as varied as the people that are in them. No two relationships can be compared because if you start doing that you have condemned it from the moment that you start, because no one can live up to someone that is in your past.
I hope that you take away from this rambling on about friendships and relationships that they all start out the same. You must be a friend with someone and build a measure of trust before you can explore a relationship side with them. Please keep in mind that if you really want your relationship to stand the test of time, you have to be open, honest, trustworthy, and committed. You have to be flexible to change and emotionally involved, you have to kill off the I and substitute We into it. For a relationship cannot withstand only the I's and forget to consider the We. We is the important unit of measure here.
Don't fool yourself into believing that love is the only thing it takes to make a relationship work, because Love is not a cure-all. It does have it limitations and cannot change another person into what you think they should be. You have to have total acceptance of each other if you are going to work.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you!
Uncle B
In a nut shell you are agreeing that no matter what the circumstances are, the situations you find yourselves in, and no matter who or what comes into or through your lives you do not let them interfere with the two of you. It takes a total change in mindset, for a relationship to work. You are now making decisions and choices for two. You have to consider your partners feelings, thoughts, expectations before you make any choice. You have to think of we before you think of I. If you can't do that then you shouldn't be in a relationship anyway, because you are not going to remain faithful to the commitment that you have made to each other.
Love is just a minor part of the relationship equation. There is so much work involved and it constantly needs to be tended and watered, nurtured and taken care of. So if you are of the fainthearted sort you may want to avoid them as long as you can. Because when you are thinking for two it is much more difficult than thinking for one person. See when you are in a relationship you owe your partner an explanation for everything you do. They deserve that respect and consideration.
See my last relationship wasn't based on trust, loyalty and love. I gave love and a hundred percent of myself, but it wasn't returned. Every chance my ex got to talk and speak to other guys he did. He would often mislead me into going on trips to Atlanta because he had been flirting with someone either on Facebook or Adam4Adam. Every single time we would go to Atlanta, I would come back to Florida and have to spend 3 or more days in the hospital. We were constantly battling the past and addictions and couldn't move forward together, because it wasn't what he really wanted.
I tried to build a home and a new life in Florida, and all he longed for was to go back to his old life in Atlanta. But even going back to Atlanta he found that he couldn't bring back that old life no matter how hard he tried. I believe that he has finally battled and defeated the demon that was holding him in check here. He no longer has a need for the drug that kept us fighting and in trouble. He has moved on and is in a new relationship and I am glad that he is doing well for himself. But I can tell that he isn't where he wants to be mentally. He still feels he needs to get out there and get his own place and stuff again. I don't think he can actually do that when he is struggling in a relationship.
I have found a happy place in the middle for myself. I am out on my own and surrounded by a loving network of friends that are close by and I can reach out and pick up the phone and call them. I have my own little one bedroom place close to the causeway that will take me over to beach side and I am enjoying a certain sense of freedom and independence. I have even started talking to someone that I had met on one of mine and my ex's adventures to Atlanta. As a matter of fact I am planning on going down to South Florida to see him and celebrate his birthday with him. I am wanting to take my time and explore and learn everything I can about this person. He caught my imagination, my mind and has intrigued my soul. He likes the fact that I am an intellectual and he supports my passion for writing and feels that I am extremely gifted when it comes to putting thoughts on paper. I believe that this is a person who is close enough in age to me that we have lot's of things in common and can come together and build a strong relationship based on mutual trust, understanding and respect, with a healthy dose of attraction and love thrown into the mix.
So do you think you know me pretty well now? We have just scratched the surface of my beliefs and desires. But if you take the time to explore my blog from the beginning to now, I think you will have a better understanding of who I am and what I am looking for in life. You will learn the cold hard facts of the addictions I have faced and overcome. You will also learn about my fears, desires, random thoughts and the journey that I am on.
I am not sure if a person can ever truly know another person. You can begin to understand them a little better, you can see their motivations, but I don't think you can ever really truly know what is going on in their head or what they are thinking. In my past I have been blindsided by hidden agendas and half-truths that it makes it hard for me to 100 percent trust anyone. But I am not letting my past color my future, and I will not let that same past interfere with my happiness and my ability to get to know this new person that has come into my life.
See for right now everything is about me and him and it might eventually become a WE thing, but I am going to have to wait and see. I do know that I care about him and that I have made him 2 promises that I know will be very easy for me to keep. The first promise is that I will never lie to him, he will always know my heart and mind before anyone else does, and the second is that no matter how busy I am in my life I will never be too busy for him. See I know that if I want him to take a central role in my life that I am going to have to be completely open, and honest with him and myself. I can't rationalize, generalize or kid myself into thinking something that isn't the whole truth.
I also have to be flexible, open to change and be non judgmental. I have caught myself attempting to compare previous relationships to the one that I am currently in, and I have learned that no two people are the same, therefore the relationship are as varied as the people that are in them. No two relationships can be compared because if you start doing that you have condemned it from the moment that you start, because no one can live up to someone that is in your past.
I hope that you take away from this rambling on about friendships and relationships that they all start out the same. You must be a friend with someone and build a measure of trust before you can explore a relationship side with them. Please keep in mind that if you really want your relationship to stand the test of time, you have to be open, honest, trustworthy, and committed. You have to be flexible to change and emotionally involved, you have to kill off the I and substitute We into it. For a relationship cannot withstand only the I's and forget to consider the We. We is the important unit of measure here.
Don't fool yourself into believing that love is the only thing it takes to make a relationship work, because Love is not a cure-all. It does have it limitations and cannot change another person into what you think they should be. You have to have total acceptance of each other if you are going to work.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you!
Uncle B
Saturday, January 17, 2015
Love cannot change another person!
I need to tell you my friends, that love is not a cure all. It cannot be the catalyst for change. No matter how much you love someone you cannot expect them to change to fit your ideal person. Love is something that is flexible and if you truly love someone you accept them for the whole package you shouldn't want them to change anything about themselves.
Yet, I can tell you that no one is perfect and each of us has preconceived notions of what life and love is supposed to be. But, to be honest our ideals and opinions are skewed by our perceptions and what we have gone through before. See you cannot compare one relationship to another. That would be like comparing apples and oranges. Both are fruits but they have different tastes, textures and flavors, each relationship is different. As are the people that you are in a relationship with, no two people are the same no matter what the circumstances are.
If you know a person, and let's say you have dated them in the past and you truly know them. How can you expect them to be anything other than what they are? Truly, take me and my ex as an example we came from a world where sex and drugs were the norm. We had sex parties and had experiences with others in our relationship, yet when I got sick and couldn't party like we used to I expected him to change with me. I had hoped that the love we had for each other would be enough. But, I realized that I didn't have the strength to save him, nor was I his mother or father, I couldn't inspire change. Katy Perry said it best in her song "Circling the Drain" I wanted to be his lover not his mother, couldn't be his savior I didn't have the power. I thought I was the exception, that I could rewrite his addiction, but he would make a hundred excuses why he needed to do it. I hoped and prayed for change, it never came.
See, I was talking to my best friend this morning and I came to the realization that if you take an animal from their natural environment you cannot expect them to change. They will still have their carnal nature to contend with. It is true you can tame a lion, domesticate a cat or dog, but take something wild and bring it into your home, and see if you can change it's nature. It can be done with skill, patience, and lots of dangerous experimentation. However, I took my partner from the drug scene in Atlanta and moved us here to Daytona, I thought that by taking him out of the drug filled environment we used to live in, to a place where we knew absolutely no one that I could influence and inspire change in him. Problem was the addiction was too strong and I watched as our lives started circling the drain like Katy Perry had said.
He was going to start writing music and I was going to continue writing in my blog and for almost 2 years neither of us did what we had planned and the drugs crept back into our lives and soon our relationship was over. We were both on an emotional roller coaster and neither of us could or would let go of the past and the drugs that were in our lives.
I tried to change someone against their will. I wanted and hoped that the love that I felt for him would be enough to get him to change. But it wasn't and he finally left and went back to Atlanta where for the first couple of months he was heavily stuck in the drugs and bounced around. His leaving was the impetus for change in my life and I walked away from the drugs altogether and I started writing again and started to re-evaluate my life.
I have noticed that since he was gone that the feelings that I have had for him weren't reciprocated. I loved him, but in actuality he didn't love me. No matter what my feelings for him were, and how hard I tried at the relationship it was doomed to fail because he wasn't totally in it.
Now, I have learned that it is so very easy to fall in love, but it is hard to stay in love. You have to work at it. You have to nurture it and make it work. You have to be willing to compromise and you have to be able to change yourself. Two people weren't necessarily meant to be together, this partnership or union is something that man created because of the need to feel complete. But if we look out in nature the wolf is the only animal that I can think of the mates for life. All other animals and creatures have multiple mates, they come together during the mating season and they have relations.
I think the concept of marriage and unions was initially something that was created by religion and has now become secular. Florida just started granting same-sex partners Holy Union certificates. Which means that these two individuals have come together to spend the rest of their life with. No matter what or who comes into their lives, they have committed to face it and fight it together. Temptation is always going to spring up, but if you are truly committed to your vow, you will be able to withstand. I know that my grandfather never cheated on my grandmother. I am sure there were some times that his eyes wandered but he remained true. In our society today it is so easy to throw your hands up and walk away. Forget that their are children and real lives involved in your decision. Not only are you hurting each other but everyone around you that knows you.
It is hard work making any relationship work, but I think it can still be done in today's world. It will take effort on both parties part. There can be no short cuts, no deceptions, you are going to have to be completely honest with yourself and your partner if it is going to work. Remember we aren't all mind readers and we will never actually know what is going on in the head of our partner. But if we share the same goals, same desires and we are helping each other to get there then let it be. Relationships work better when the two individuals come together and maintain a sense of self and a sense of commitment. It is important to remain true to yourself and have your own friends and go out and hang with them every once in a while. Yet, maintaining a mutual relationship with your partner, it is impossible to be around one another 24/7. Tempers flair, interest are harbored and resentments creep in. Maintaining a healthy sense of self and commitment can forestall and possibly prevent this from happening in your life.
None of us are perfect. Therefore if we are not perfect creatures how can our ideals and ideas be realistic and perfect? Simple answer is they can't! So if none of us are perfect, and we are trying to be together, how can that work? The answer is hard work and preserverance, you must want to be together and stay together. Don't expect love to be a miracle worker and change the person into your ideal because it isn't going to happen you will have to change your ideal and thought process.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Yet, I can tell you that no one is perfect and each of us has preconceived notions of what life and love is supposed to be. But, to be honest our ideals and opinions are skewed by our perceptions and what we have gone through before. See you cannot compare one relationship to another. That would be like comparing apples and oranges. Both are fruits but they have different tastes, textures and flavors, each relationship is different. As are the people that you are in a relationship with, no two people are the same no matter what the circumstances are.
If you know a person, and let's say you have dated them in the past and you truly know them. How can you expect them to be anything other than what they are? Truly, take me and my ex as an example we came from a world where sex and drugs were the norm. We had sex parties and had experiences with others in our relationship, yet when I got sick and couldn't party like we used to I expected him to change with me. I had hoped that the love we had for each other would be enough. But, I realized that I didn't have the strength to save him, nor was I his mother or father, I couldn't inspire change. Katy Perry said it best in her song "Circling the Drain" I wanted to be his lover not his mother, couldn't be his savior I didn't have the power. I thought I was the exception, that I could rewrite his addiction, but he would make a hundred excuses why he needed to do it. I hoped and prayed for change, it never came.
See, I was talking to my best friend this morning and I came to the realization that if you take an animal from their natural environment you cannot expect them to change. They will still have their carnal nature to contend with. It is true you can tame a lion, domesticate a cat or dog, but take something wild and bring it into your home, and see if you can change it's nature. It can be done with skill, patience, and lots of dangerous experimentation. However, I took my partner from the drug scene in Atlanta and moved us here to Daytona, I thought that by taking him out of the drug filled environment we used to live in, to a place where we knew absolutely no one that I could influence and inspire change in him. Problem was the addiction was too strong and I watched as our lives started circling the drain like Katy Perry had said.
He was going to start writing music and I was going to continue writing in my blog and for almost 2 years neither of us did what we had planned and the drugs crept back into our lives and soon our relationship was over. We were both on an emotional roller coaster and neither of us could or would let go of the past and the drugs that were in our lives.
I tried to change someone against their will. I wanted and hoped that the love that I felt for him would be enough to get him to change. But it wasn't and he finally left and went back to Atlanta where for the first couple of months he was heavily stuck in the drugs and bounced around. His leaving was the impetus for change in my life and I walked away from the drugs altogether and I started writing again and started to re-evaluate my life.
I have noticed that since he was gone that the feelings that I have had for him weren't reciprocated. I loved him, but in actuality he didn't love me. No matter what my feelings for him were, and how hard I tried at the relationship it was doomed to fail because he wasn't totally in it.
Now, I have learned that it is so very easy to fall in love, but it is hard to stay in love. You have to work at it. You have to nurture it and make it work. You have to be willing to compromise and you have to be able to change yourself. Two people weren't necessarily meant to be together, this partnership or union is something that man created because of the need to feel complete. But if we look out in nature the wolf is the only animal that I can think of the mates for life. All other animals and creatures have multiple mates, they come together during the mating season and they have relations.
I think the concept of marriage and unions was initially something that was created by religion and has now become secular. Florida just started granting same-sex partners Holy Union certificates. Which means that these two individuals have come together to spend the rest of their life with. No matter what or who comes into their lives, they have committed to face it and fight it together. Temptation is always going to spring up, but if you are truly committed to your vow, you will be able to withstand. I know that my grandfather never cheated on my grandmother. I am sure there were some times that his eyes wandered but he remained true. In our society today it is so easy to throw your hands up and walk away. Forget that their are children and real lives involved in your decision. Not only are you hurting each other but everyone around you that knows you.
It is hard work making any relationship work, but I think it can still be done in today's world. It will take effort on both parties part. There can be no short cuts, no deceptions, you are going to have to be completely honest with yourself and your partner if it is going to work. Remember we aren't all mind readers and we will never actually know what is going on in the head of our partner. But if we share the same goals, same desires and we are helping each other to get there then let it be. Relationships work better when the two individuals come together and maintain a sense of self and a sense of commitment. It is important to remain true to yourself and have your own friends and go out and hang with them every once in a while. Yet, maintaining a mutual relationship with your partner, it is impossible to be around one another 24/7. Tempers flair, interest are harbored and resentments creep in. Maintaining a healthy sense of self and commitment can forestall and possibly prevent this from happening in your life.
None of us are perfect. Therefore if we are not perfect creatures how can our ideals and ideas be realistic and perfect? Simple answer is they can't! So if none of us are perfect, and we are trying to be together, how can that work? The answer is hard work and preserverance, you must want to be together and stay together. Don't expect love to be a miracle worker and change the person into your ideal because it isn't going to happen you will have to change your ideal and thought process.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
How do you know when you have surrendered your power over to someone else?
I know we have talked about personal power before and I have given you advice on how to take that power back. But how do you recognize the signs? How do you know when someone has power over you? Do you even know that you have given them the power? Is there anyway to stop it from happening? Finally is it really a bad thing? The answer to all of this is not as simple as it might seem and if there are warning signs, they are purely emotional. As we enter into relationships we had a tendency to put our all into them and when we do, we end up giving up a piece of ourselves. For the most part you can control how much you give, by limiting how much of your heart you choose to expose.
However, if you are like me, you sometimes give too much. Usually for me it starts out slowly and picks up momentum as the days and weeks go by before I know it, the other person has the ability to make me feel a certain way about myself. that is when I know I have gone too far. Because even now I am not sure anyone is worthy of having that much power over me. I keep waiting for them to prove themselves and so far I am the only one waiting around. Days go by with no phone calls, texts and emails go unanswered. When I finally do connect with him, there is no real conversation, just the routine and the mundane. I have realized this seems to happen to me a lot. I open my heart, give out love and stand around waiting for it to be returned. When I ask if anything is wrong between us, I am told everything is fine. But why don't I feel fine?
The person used to inspire me, make me feel good about myself. Now all I do it think what have I done now? What has happened? Where has the communication gone? The real answer it hasn't gone anywhere. What has changed is the base of power. I gave my heart away, and now I am looking for a return on that investment.
One of the first noticeable symptoms of power surrender, is when the other person's opinion matters to you more than your own. Because you see they have the ability to make you feel a certain way. No one should have that much power over another person. Developing feelings that strong can lead to problems and can start a very co-dependent relationship. These types of relationships can be detrimental and hurtful to both parties involved. Now, all of this depends on the person you are with and how much you can trust them. Again the keys to any successful relationship are trust, communication, honesty and openness. In co-dependent relationships one partner uses the power that is given to them to control and manipulate every situation. In a wholesome and healthy relationship each partner retains their own sense of self. They are okay with maintaining separate as well as unified gatherings and friends. In other words they are just as comfortable with you and doing things together as they are doing them alone or with a group of their own friends. Leading both separate and together lives.
So how do you know when you have surrendered your power over to someone else? Easy! When you long to hear from them, when it seems like you can't do anything without them. When you care so much about their opinion that you totally ignore your own feelings. I honestly don't believe it is healthy to feel that way at all. You need to regain your sense of self.
You need to feel good about yourself, your decisions and you can't do that if you are dependent on someone else and their feelings and opinions. With all of this being said there is a healthy medium that can be reached. Compromise is still the name of the relationship game. But, you have to have your own independence even in a relationship. You need to be free to do what you want to do with consideration to your partner, but you cannot spend every single second together. It just won't work! So here is where I recommend keep your own friends and continue to do things with them. Encourage your partner to do the same. Make mutual friends together, make time to dow some things together, and still balance them with your own personal me time.
I always like to include my partner, but I do realize that he needs to have his own independence and freedom. Secret to success is communication, open and truthful conversation, plus quality alone time together. If you can enjoy sitting in the same room doing different things, yet still enjoying and sharing each others warmth and company I would say you have reached the perfect and harmonious place in your relationship that I have been talking about. Trust me you are still going to need quality alone time with each other, so that your relationship can grow and flourish. But you also have to have some quality me time so that you can grow and mature as an individual. If you can achieve that in your relationship you too can have a relationship that last 12 or more years.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
However, if you are like me, you sometimes give too much. Usually for me it starts out slowly and picks up momentum as the days and weeks go by before I know it, the other person has the ability to make me feel a certain way about myself. that is when I know I have gone too far. Because even now I am not sure anyone is worthy of having that much power over me. I keep waiting for them to prove themselves and so far I am the only one waiting around. Days go by with no phone calls, texts and emails go unanswered. When I finally do connect with him, there is no real conversation, just the routine and the mundane. I have realized this seems to happen to me a lot. I open my heart, give out love and stand around waiting for it to be returned. When I ask if anything is wrong between us, I am told everything is fine. But why don't I feel fine?
The person used to inspire me, make me feel good about myself. Now all I do it think what have I done now? What has happened? Where has the communication gone? The real answer it hasn't gone anywhere. What has changed is the base of power. I gave my heart away, and now I am looking for a return on that investment.
One of the first noticeable symptoms of power surrender, is when the other person's opinion matters to you more than your own. Because you see they have the ability to make you feel a certain way. No one should have that much power over another person. Developing feelings that strong can lead to problems and can start a very co-dependent relationship. These types of relationships can be detrimental and hurtful to both parties involved. Now, all of this depends on the person you are with and how much you can trust them. Again the keys to any successful relationship are trust, communication, honesty and openness. In co-dependent relationships one partner uses the power that is given to them to control and manipulate every situation. In a wholesome and healthy relationship each partner retains their own sense of self. They are okay with maintaining separate as well as unified gatherings and friends. In other words they are just as comfortable with you and doing things together as they are doing them alone or with a group of their own friends. Leading both separate and together lives.
So how do you know when you have surrendered your power over to someone else? Easy! When you long to hear from them, when it seems like you can't do anything without them. When you care so much about their opinion that you totally ignore your own feelings. I honestly don't believe it is healthy to feel that way at all. You need to regain your sense of self.
You need to feel good about yourself, your decisions and you can't do that if you are dependent on someone else and their feelings and opinions. With all of this being said there is a healthy medium that can be reached. Compromise is still the name of the relationship game. But, you have to have your own independence even in a relationship. You need to be free to do what you want to do with consideration to your partner, but you cannot spend every single second together. It just won't work! So here is where I recommend keep your own friends and continue to do things with them. Encourage your partner to do the same. Make mutual friends together, make time to dow some things together, and still balance them with your own personal me time.
I always like to include my partner, but I do realize that he needs to have his own independence and freedom. Secret to success is communication, open and truthful conversation, plus quality alone time together. If you can enjoy sitting in the same room doing different things, yet still enjoying and sharing each others warmth and company I would say you have reached the perfect and harmonious place in your relationship that I have been talking about. Trust me you are still going to need quality alone time with each other, so that your relationship can grow and flourish. But you also have to have some quality me time so that you can grow and mature as an individual. If you can achieve that in your relationship you too can have a relationship that last 12 or more years.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)