Love cannot change another person!

I need to tell you my friends, that love is not a cure all.  It cannot be the catalyst for change.  No matter how much you love someone you cannot expect them to change to fit your ideal person.  Love is something that is flexible and if you truly love someone you accept them for the whole package you shouldn't want them to change anything about themselves.

Yet, I can tell you that no one is perfect and each of us has preconceived notions of what life and love is supposed to be.  But, to be honest our ideals and opinions are skewed by our perceptions and what we have gone through before.  See you cannot compare one relationship to another.  That would be like comparing apples and oranges.  Both are fruits but they have different tastes, textures and flavors, each relationship is different. As are the people that you are in a relationship with, no two people are the same no matter what the circumstances are.

If you know a person, and let's say you have dated them in the past and you truly know them.  How can you expect them to be anything other than what they are?  Truly, take me and my ex as an example we came from a world where sex and drugs were the norm.  We had sex parties and had experiences with others in our relationship, yet when I got sick and couldn't party like we used to I expected him to change with me. I had hoped that the love we had for each other would be enough.  But, I realized that I didn't have the strength to save him, nor was I his mother or father, I couldn't inspire change.  Katy Perry said it best in her song "Circling the Drain" I wanted to be his lover not his mother, couldn't be his savior I didn't have the power.  I thought I was the exception, that I could rewrite his addiction, but he would make a hundred excuses why he needed to do it.  I hoped and prayed for change, it never came.

See, I was talking to my best friend this morning and I came to the realization that if you take an animal from their natural environment you cannot expect them to change.  They will still have their carnal nature to contend with.  It is true you can tame a lion, domesticate a cat or dog, but take something wild and bring it into your home, and see if you can change it's nature.  It can be done with skill, patience, and lots of dangerous experimentation.  However, I took my partner from the drug scene in Atlanta and moved us here to Daytona, I thought that by taking him out of the drug filled environment we used to live in, to a place where we knew absolutely no one that I could influence and inspire change in him.  Problem was the addiction was too strong and I watched as our lives started circling the drain like Katy Perry had said.

 He was going to start writing music and I was going to continue writing in my blog and for almost 2 years neither of us did what we had planned and the drugs crept back into our lives and soon our relationship was over. We were both on an emotional roller coaster and neither of us could or would let go of the past and the drugs that were in our lives.

I tried to change someone against their will. I wanted and hoped that the love that I felt for him would be enough to get him to change. But it wasn't and he finally left and went back to Atlanta where for the first couple of months he was heavily stuck in the drugs and bounced around. His leaving was the impetus for change in my life and I walked away from the drugs altogether and I started writing again and started to re-evaluate my life.  

I have noticed that since he was gone that the feelings that I have had for him weren't reciprocated.  I loved him, but in actuality he didn't love me.  No matter what my feelings for him were, and how hard I tried at the relationship it was doomed to fail because he wasn't totally in it.

Now, I have learned that it is so very easy to fall in love, but it is hard to stay in love.  You have to work at it. You have to nurture it and make it work. You have to be willing to compromise and you have to  be able to change yourself. Two people weren't necessarily meant to be together, this partnership or union is something that man created because of the need to feel complete. But if we look out in nature the wolf is the only animal that I can think of the mates for life. All other animals and creatures have multiple mates, they come together during the mating season and they have relations.

I think the concept of marriage and unions was initially something that was created by religion and has now become secular.  Florida just started granting same-sex partners Holy Union certificates.  Which means that these two individuals have come together to spend the rest of their life with. No matter what or who comes into their lives, they have committed to face it and fight it together.  Temptation is always going to spring up, but if you are truly committed to your vow, you will be able to withstand. I know that my grandfather never cheated on my grandmother.  I am sure there were some times that his eyes wandered but he remained true.  In our society today it is so easy to throw your hands up and walk away.  Forget that their are children and real lives involved in your decision.  Not only are you hurting each other but everyone around you that knows you.

It is hard work making any relationship work, but I think it can still be done in today's world. It will take effort on both parties part.  There can be no short cuts, no deceptions, you are going to have to be completely honest with yourself and your partner if it is going to work.  Remember we aren't all mind readers and we will never actually know what is going on in the head of our partner.  But if we share the same goals, same desires and we are helping each other to get there then let it be.  Relationships work better when the two individuals come together and maintain a sense of self and a sense of commitment.  It is important to remain true to yourself and have your own friends and go out and hang with them every once in a while. Yet, maintaining a mutual relationship with your partner, it is impossible to be around one another 24/7.  Tempers flair, interest are harbored and resentments creep in.  Maintaining a healthy sense of self and commitment can forestall and possibly prevent this from happening in your life.

None of us are perfect.  Therefore if we are not perfect creatures how can our ideals and ideas be realistic and perfect? Simple answer is they can't! So if none of us are perfect, and we are trying to be together, how can that work?  The answer is hard work and preserverance, you must want to be together and stay together.  Don't expect love to be a miracle worker and change the person into your ideal because it isn't going to happen you will have to change your ideal and thought process.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Gay Relationship are hard enough add distance to it and you got a mess

Now for those of my readers who are gay, you know that I am serious when I say that gay relationships are hard as it is.  But, when you add a long distance romance into the mix you can imagine how difficult that can be.  You often wonder what is happening on the other end.  Mainly because you feel dissociated, that personal connection you have with your partner is strained to the max.  Further, you have to have absolute trust in your partner.  Even the slightest doubt can cause major insecurities to blossom.  Further, as the miles and distance are major factors, you may also find yourselves faced with different time zones and other such impediments that at home relationships don't have to face.

There is also the longing and loneliness that you have to contend with, there is a yearning to be with that person and though it is impossible you try to think up ways of keeping the communication lines open.  You may try video chatting, messaging on Facebook, texting via cellphone, calling and a myriad of other methods to try to whittle the distance down.  I speak from personal experience, I am on a different time zone from my partner, and because of his medical condition and career, we are often unable to communicate.  It kills me when I don't hear from him for days on end.  I found out today that the reason why I haven't heard from him since Saturday was because he is sick and in a lot of pain.

The good thing about my relationship is that I don't have to worry about him cheating, because we have already been down that road.  We have had are party days and fooled around with a lot of people. I know for me that my health will not allow me to do that anymore, even if I wanted too. Further, I know that he isn't interested in anyone other than me. We both have been through an abusive relationship and won't tolerate letting ourselves get back into that type of situation.  Plus, our time together has made us stronger. We talk about everything and every decision. This is the key to any type of relationship.  As I have said before in my article about how to make any relationship work, you have to be flexible and have open lines of communication.  It is imperative that everything you do that affects your life you share with those you love and care about.  What I would love to tell you that as with pain and hurt that time makes it easier. But the truth is that in a long distance relationship time makes it harder to deal with. More and more feelings of dissociation and loneliness creep in.

I would ask you to ask yourself what could you do to bring the too of you closer, and I would challenge you to try and make it happen. Make yourself and your partner happy, close the distance and start over, because I am going to tell you that if you are separated any length of time you are going to have to start over, relearn everything about each other.  In doing so you need to keep an open mind and be flexible to change. As in my case I know that illness is what ended up separating us, and it is what is going to pull us back together. I know we have discussed me coming to where he is at, and then again we have talked about him coming to where I am at.  Which ever way it finally works out is going to be a blessing, because the truth of the matter is we really need each other. We feed off each other and we are actually the opposite of one another. In other words if we were a circle we would each be a half and when combined we would be a whole.

I have been feeling so lost and alone because I feel like a big part of me is missing.  I had fantasies of others and thought that I would explore other options, until the day that my partner and I finally started comparing notes and we realized that we really did love each other and didn't want to have anyone else our lives.  I am so very glad that he is in my life.  Even though we left Atlanta last year each of us going in separate directions we never truly ended the relationships that we had. So we decided that we were going to build on it and make it work even over the distances that separate us.

My hope is that if you are in a relationship, whether straight or gay, that you keep an open line of communication and endeavor to keep an open mind, stay flexible and open to change.  This will make being in a relationship that much easier.  Be willing to give 100 percent of yourself and demand a 100 percent in return. Keep in mind that you have to be willing to accept that no one is perfect...remember that in true love you accept the other person for who they are, all of them as a whole.  A complete package, the good the bad and the indifferent.  Long distance relationships are even tougher, but again I think that the key is talking and having an open communication line.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B