Easier written

I find that it is much easier to write down my thoughts and feelings then it is to verbalize and say them aloud.  Expressing oneself is vitally important in today's world.  Learning how to release pent up feelings and emotions is essential in maintaining successful relationships.    Yet, in my experience you must begin with yourself. During the past year I had to relearn an old lesson that I should never have forgotten. It took me years to learn that you have to be completely honest with yourself and with others that you are in a relationship with.  During the past year I was less than truthful in dealing with my partner.  More to protect him then in attempts to hurt him. Yet, damage to our relationship has been done.  I am not sure if the hurts that I caused and the damage done to our relationship can be undone. 

However in 2018 I plan on giving my relationship one more try. One more effort to right the wrongs that both of us have done to our relationship. If it doesn't work out this time then I guess it really wasn't meant to be.  This is a new place for me, a chapter in life I have seldom chosen to walk down.  This will be the first time in years that I have chosen to put myself in a place where I am willing to go back with someone and try to erase all the pain and failures of the past.  Literally, I have been down this road several times with this same person.  Each time they promise to change to be different and better than what they were. So far each time the situation either remained the same or has gotten worse.  I just hope that he can abide by his decision this time. Has not been lying to me and just saying what I want to hear. Because I really don't want to waste my money once again bringing him into my life for it to just blow up in my face once again.

With the title of this entry in mind I see that I am doing it once again.  I sit here writing about my feelings and my fears. I will have plenty of opportunity to talk about them on the return trip to Jacksonville.  That's if he is actually going to come with me this time. 4 other times in the past I have made the offer to have him come with me and 4 times he has backed out.  What he needs to understand is that I am doing this to help him.  I am jeopardizing my welfare and my place to stay as well as my personal funds trying to help him.  However, this is the last chance that I am willing to give him. I am not going to be doing the drugs and other things that have been common place in our relationship,  I am not even going to entertain opening that door not once. 

Well, it has been two weeks since he came up to Jacksonville. It was a very expensive endeavor bringing him up here, but I knew that it was going to be. Money this month went so quickly that I have had to change some of my plans. With him being up here my rent increased by $200.00 and food has become an issue. However, as things go I think that everything will work out once him and I get established here in Jacksonville.

With the amount of doctors appointments it really isn't possible for me to get a job and go to work. Though I have thought about it more than once. I have been trying to encourage my partner to at least apply for food stamps and try to get some other types of assistance. He has asked me to help him and since he had to go back to Daytona to meet with pre-trial services I think that I will take the opportunity to work on applying for him.  With at least that much help it will go a long way towards easing part of the financial burden that has been on my shoulders. From there getting him and my ID's straightened out will possibly enable him to get a part time job which would also help. If I can convince him that he needs to give me $350 a month for his portion of the bills not including what he gets in food stamps will make it so much easier for him and I to get a place of our own.

My goal at this point is to try and fix the damage done in the past. To encourage and open honest and direct communication. Promote getting at least a part time job so he can help me with the bills and get the things he wants.  It is my hope that I will be able to bridge the gap between writing about my feelings and actually expressing them.

By writing this entry I have become more focused on what I need to do and hope that with his help and the encouragement of my friends that he will begin to see the need to try and change and help me. He feels that he needs to be around to help take care of me. But the truth of the matter is that he really needs to start by helping me financially and get us back on to stable ground. This will be the most beneficial thing that he can do, which in turn will help me both physically and mentally.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you. Laugh often, love much and live well.

Uncle B

Is dimensional travel possible? Open your mind and the rest will follow!"

What is mad?  crazy, insane, without conscious purpose, truly an anomaly.  Mad is a state mind, a journey to the outer limits of conscious reality.  Some say that insanity is repeating the same pattern over and over again expecting a different result.  But what if I tell you that mad, insane, crazy, are all dimensions that the mind can travel.  Free yourself from the restrictions of your conscious self and you can travel there.  Suppress the subconscious and see where you can go.  Other planes of reality are available for you to travel.  Rod Serling once said that it was a journey through sight and sound and a journey to the farther limits of the mind is where the twilight zone resides.

Yet, in America the term mad can refer to an emotion of anger, or refer to a state of mind such as crazy.  So what is right?  Maybe both of these can coexist and be essentially correct. What if I told you that dimensional travel can be accomplished by taking a journey into the depths of your own imagination.  Maybe even time travel could be accomplished by casting your sight and concentration inward because I am convinced that all knowledge has been handed down to each of us from the beginning of time, all because Eve ate from that forbidden fruit.

Indulge me for just a moment to see if you can understand how I have arrived at this conclusion.  Follow me backward in time to the Garden of Eden, the knowledge of good and evil was given to both Eve and Adam through biting the forbidden fruit.  Therefore if all knowledge was given to Eve, it would be easy for that information to be transferred to her offspring through the birth process.  Today scientist debate nature versus nurture, and what is instinctually passed from parent to child.  Let me further expand this conversation by saying that they spark of life that was breathed into man is part of the Divine, and thus is the part of God, that is passed on to each of us.  Some believe that this is the basis for consciousness and self-awareness, it is that very spark of divinity that allows us to access that knowledge.  I have even heard that mystics and seers call this supernatural database of knowledge as the "Akashic Records".   So, if the knowledge and information is passed down via our direct heritage from Adam and Eve it would be accessible by anyone born today.

I heard a song once that said "Free your mind and the rest will follow" which gives us the basic instructions on how to access this hidden knowledge.  Or if you would like allows individuals to access the cosmic database of all thought or knowledge that has come before us and that will come after us.  Every concept that the human mind can conceive either now or in the future is housed in the Akashic Records.  Therefore, if all knowledge is accessible wouldn't it stand to reason that dimensional travel could also be accomplished in a similar fashion.  I have studied extensively western metaphysics and mysticism and I know that astral projection is possible, and has a well documented history.  It is my belief that dimensional travel and possibly even time travel can be accomplished via astral projection.

Now you might be thinking that I am "Mad" or "Insane" or even "Crazy" by believing like this, but my basis for this information is firmly rooted in Christianity and the Bible.  When John was writing about his visions and dreams in Revelations it is my belief that he actually visited the distant future and witnessed and saw first hand the tragedy and possibly even experienced what he later called "Revelations".  Here is what Google defines Revelation as:  a surprising and previously unknown fact, especially one that is made known in a dramatic way. Or the divine or supernatural disclosure to humans of something relating to human existence or the world.

Looking at this definition of Revelation you can begin to see what I am talking about.  In the ancient world the descriptions that unfold in the book of Revelations in the Bible would not have made much sense to the people of the day, and maybe that is why John's work was so ill received at the time.  But in today's context we can see some of the signs and portents that were predicted there coming to fruition today.

But the way that John got his information was not relayed to the reader in words other than "I saw" or "It became known to me"  this seems to me that it meant that he actually either saw physically with his own eyes, or experienced what was to come personally.  Those that we deem mentally unstable, or crazy may in fact be nothing more than closer in tuned with the spiritual than we would feel comfortable with them being.  That person walking down the street talking to themselves may in fact be talking to someone or something that we cannot see or fathom in our own limited understanding of the world and the happenings around us.  Who is to say that person isn't talking to a being from another dimension or to an Angel or even God Himself?

No where in my readings of the Bible explain why the ancients had direct access to God and we don't.  I believe that God does exist and to those that have looked upon His face and seen His glory may be seen as touched or crazy by the standards we have in place today.  The angels still walk the earth, we may not be able to see them anymore because we are locked into our conscious mind and have never learned how to suppress our subconscious.  Throughout history there have been born prodigies that seemed to possess knowledge greater than their education or our understanding and have brought incredible inventions and music and art work into our world.  Maybe these individuals have a unique access to the Akashic Records or have been born with understanding of the knowledge that was passed down through the ages through the divine link.

Keep an open mind, look deep inside of your own mind and explore the further reaches, and see what you come up with. I think you might be surprised that there is a wealth of knowledge at your disposal and you haven't even accessed it yet.  Journey down the road that the philosophers have taken before you and see what you come up with.  I think that all things that the mind can believe and come up with we as individuals can achieve.  It is up to you and how you approach the world. Maybe the final frontier that we need to explore isn't outside of our world but right here in our own mind.  Dimensional and time travel maybe something that once was achieved and forgotten by our earliest ancestors.  If there was a legendary advanced civilization known as Atlantis and Lemuria, it stands to reason that they would have thought of these concepts and have mastered them.

I was taught a great deal about the Island of Lemuria by a good friend that is no longer with us, Jane Ann Dow.   Atlantis and Lemuria were two halves of the same civilization, Atlantis followed science and logic, Lemuria followed the path of metaphysics and spiritualism.  It goes without saying that when their continent was destroyed and disappeared from the face of the earth that the knowledge and understanding as well as spiritual enlightenment that they had achieved also vanished with them.  However, the social consciousness of humanity as a whole has been increasing with leaps and bounds and I honestly believe that we are on the cusp of something spectacular.  If you believe the prophecies of Revelations then we are headed for the second coming of Jesus and the end of our world as we know it.  But what if what was written in Revelations was about an ending to the way that we are living now and the dawn of a whole new era of history one that we cannot even fathom.  Where the spiritual is followed by the majority and a whole paradigm shift takes place and we become as enlightened and as advanced as the Atlantians and the Lemurians.

Wouldn't that be something and our minds are opened to a new realm of possibilities and the blinders from our eyes are taken away.

Please do me a huge favor and open your mind to new possibilities and ideas.  Look deep within yourself and see if you can't find answers to your most basic questions.  Because once you start on that path I think you will see that it becomes more natural for you.   I at least hope that I have opened your eyes to a new world of possibilities and ideas and hopefully you will not judge to quickly or harshly those around you and might experience the joy and wonder of true enlightenment and a closer walk with God.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Assumptions and Conclusions

Every time I talk to one friend that he says that I go from one extreme to the other by either jumping to a conclusion or making an assumption. So I thought that I would explore this a little more and see if I can actually figure out what he is talking about. I will admit that I go from one extreme to another on an emotional level, I am truly bipolar. But I don't honestly think that I make assumptions. See I know the definition of assumption it is "a thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof." So if I state a fact or tell you something that I think is true, that doesn't mean it was an assumption. See, I have been trying to live my life as honestly as I can since I found out that I am terminal. An assumption would be a statement that I thought to be true about the other person. But what is actually happening is everything is colored by my past experiences.

One thing that my friend doesn't understand, I filter everything I say and do by my past experience and relationships. It doesn't have to be a sexual thing either. See in my family birthdays are very important and we have all out celebrations for them each year. So when my friend told me that his birthday was coming up on the 19th of Feb and he wanted me to come and visit him around tha time so that we could spend sometime together and see how things went. While I was talking about his birthday, I told him that I would like to be around him for his birthday, but I didn't want to be in the way. He told me that he was black and that they didn't celebrate getting older.  Can you see how I based my response on the fact that my family did celebrate  birthday. it was a grand thing in my home, so I assumed it would be in his home and family as well.  I had no idea that he didn't celebrate getting one year older.  In this case I was trying not to get in the way of anything his family may have planned for him, I stated that I didn't want to be underfoot.  Maybe it was wrong for me to assume that his family was just like my disfunctional family.

Assumptions are bad and can hurt a relationship badly if you don't take the time to communicate openly and honestly.  An assumption means that you have accepted something about the other person without any proof.  Now, if you remember what they used to stay in school that making an assumption makes and ass out of you and me.  Keep that in mind the next time you want to make an assumption about another person.

If you know what the definition of a conclusion is a judgement or decision that is made through reasoning. I know that I am a culprit of jumping to conclusions.  I rationalize everything and like I told you above that I filter everything that I go through by my past experiences.  I think this is a common error that we all make. See it is our past experiences that have shaped us and molded us into the person we are today.  But the problem with using those same filters is that we tend to conclude that every situation can be measured by those same filters.  The truth of the matter is not all situations fit into the mold that our past experiences have prepared ourselves for.  So what do you do when a new situation arises and you have no experience in dealing with it.  Your past hasn't prepared you to adequately handle the situation.

It is easy for us to draw conclusions when we over analyze every situation.  Many of us nitpick and pull apart the motives of others, we try to figure out their intentions and agendas are.  But, when you draw a conclusion based on just the facts that you know, the issue becomes you may not know everything about the situation so your conclusion will be faulty and misguided.  Remember that every relationship is as different as the person involved in the relationship.  So, even in new situations our past information is not always enough for us to draw the appropriate conclusions.  So you run the risk of hurting someone without hearing all the facts and drawing a false conclusion.

So, if you are like me try to keep the assumptions and conclusion jumping to the absolute minimum.  Go out and research the facts of every situation and confront the people involved directly so that you get all the facts.  Remember it pays off to get the information straight from the horses mouth so to speak.  It is also helps if you are honest in your communication with each other so that all the facts come to light and no one has to draw a conclusion or make and assumption.  Because you will have all the information.  Remember being for warned is for armed.  Which means if you have all the information at your disposal you can make an educated decision based only on the facts.

It is my recommendation to be absolutely honest with yourself and others.  That way everything you speak and tell can be counted on as fact.  Plus, I have found that if you start lying to yourself it is very hard for you to stop.  It becomes so easy to rationalize our actions and make stupid assumptions as well as jumping to an easy conclusion.

So take my advice.  Talk everything out, be honest, let your feelings out and look at the facts with a rational mind.  This way you can make an educated decision with all the facts at your disposal.  Remember that assumptions and conclusions can only hurt a relationship, or make a situation that much harder to resolve.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Whatever happened to honesty, openness and integrity?

In today's crazy world it is increasingly hard to find quality,decent people that are trustworthy.  So many times I have taken someone at their word and have been disappointed.  Seems everyone has gotten into the practice of just saying whatever they think you want to hear.  Unfortunately, I always fall for the story and end up drawing the short end of the stick.

The past year has been fraught with half truths and hidden agendas.  It was costly and pretty much deadly to me. I ended up in the hospital every time.  I am not sure why the half truths and lies, I have always been pretty open and have always asked that people be honest with me.  There is no need to lie to me ever, because I would rather be mad and hurt and be over it, than have to discover that I had been lied too. That hurts even more, and it ruins the bonds of trust and thrust you into thinking well what else have they lied to me about.

When lied too that pretty much destroys your credibility with me. Plus it shows that you don't have any integrity as well as no respect for the person you are misleading with your lies.  As I have said many times in the past that any relationship can survive if you are open and willing to communicate fully your hopes, dreams and desires. Communication is the key to success in any endeavor or relationship that you embark upon. 

You must be honest not only to the person you are dealing with but yourself as well.  I find it easy to lie to myself and justify just about anything I want to. That isn't good at all.

Honesty is the key to successful open communication between you and the other party in the relationship, now by relationship I am talking about personal as well as professional. Honesty and integrity are essential when conducting business. These two things will encourage your customers to spread good news about you and your business to others. It will also prove to the consumer that you are fair and trustworthy.

So again I ask you whatever happened to honesty, openness and integrity?

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Sometimes you find yourself in unfamiliar places

Life isn't always what it is cracked up to be.  We can find ourselves in unfamiliar territory without any compass to guide us and our past experiences haven't prepared us for what we are facing.  I have found myself in these types of situations recently, and I can report that from those experiences I have learned how not to handle them.  What I have learned is that we need to take a step back and just see what the lay of the land is, and not react to the situation.  You have to let it unfold around you, observe and try and make educated decisions, even if you have no reference points to guide you, the situation itself may provide you with enough information to help you navigate the rough waters that surround you.

I have also learned that nothing is perfect, that we need to accept the limitations of ourselves and our partners, and when new situations arise you need to stick together and work it out.  Too often in today's society it is easier to throw in the towel and run away from the situations that you find yourself in. However, if you love someone, and you truly want to spend your life with them, you have to be willing to compromise.  I have told you before that communication is the key to everything, but there is more to communicating then just talking about things, you have to take the time and really listen to your partner. You have to stop your tongue from engaging before you hear out the entire situation.  It is important to realize that even though you have been doing things your way all your life, there may be an easier way to do it, or the way that you have been going about something has been totally wrong.  Be open to try new things and listen intently, because as I said earlier everyone goes through things, and even though they maybe a little different, you can still benefit from their trials, lessons learned and mistakes.

I know this from recent experience, no relationship is perfect in every way, there are going to be arguments, there are going to be times when you want to shut down and close off from the other person, but there will also be time for you to talk about the situation, but you have to be willing to be open.  This is often harder than you may think.  Remember no one is perfect least of all you. I know we all have expectations and when your partner falls short or you do, it hurts.  But I can tell you this, if you really love someone, you are willing to take the time and explore all options before you throw in the towel! You can survive anything together. Let me explain that some times there are going to be a needs or desires that you cannot fulfill for your partner or demands that life presents you with that you are not equipped to deal with.  It is these times that you have to decide within yourself if you are strong enough to let your partner or life itself reach outside of you and your relationship to fulfill that need.

There are times when you have to be able to compromise come to an agreement and accept the limitations that life has dealt you.  If you can do that and you can communicate effectively you might just be able to weather whatever storm life or relationships throw at you.  I can speak with some certainty on this point.  Another thing that I have come to understand over the past 2 months that I have been separated from you my readers is that we each have preconceived notions and expectations about relationships and we are easily disappointed and discouraged when things don't exactly work out as planned.  However, it has become my understanding that we are given exactly what we need and can handle at those moments, it is how we deal with them as they arise that makes the difference.  See, if everything was easy and perfect, there would be nothing to strive for or work towards.  If everything was given to us exactly we wanted or expected we wouldn't be satisfied and we wouldn't value it or cherish it.

Life is unpredictable and will throw you some curves.  There are going to be challenges, stresses and outside influences that are going to threaten you and your relationship. You have to be willing to face these challenges head on. You have to be willing to mitigate the risks and exposure that you allow into your relationship.  There are so many people out there that are unhappy and they want everyone around them to be as unhappy as they are.  These are the individuals that you don't need to have in your life or influencing your relationship. Nothing ever comes without work, and nothing is ever perfect.  Remember, words are just words, yet they can cause hurts that never actually heal.  They are just words, you have to look to the actions that surround those words to see if they have merit or meaning in your life or situation.  I have told you before that in the heat of the moment anyone can say anything and they usually are hurtful.  However, you have to take those times in perspective, as I have told you in the past, you have to judge the person by the way they have always acted and not by the outburst because the person is going to be the same as they have always been after they calm down and the incident has passed.    In every argument there are two sides. Who is to say you are right and your partner is wrong, or whomever you are having a dispute with.  Keep in mind that each person you encounter has their own personality, point of view and way of doing things, you have to be mature and willing enough to understand their motivations and try to comprehend what they are all about, if you do this you will be amazed at how those conflicts evaporate.

As with all things in life, when you have two or more individuals together you have to take into account that each person has had their own life experiences, encounters and been taught different ways to do things than you have.  It is impossible for 2 people to have the same life lessons and experiences. Because neither of you are going to experience the same things in the same way even if you grew up together.  We all process and deal with things in our own internal way.  This is what makes it hard when two people come together and try to become a couple.  It takes patience, understanding, compassion, caring and listening and hearing for it too work.

I am hoping that you will take away from this entry, is that no situation is ever going to perfect.  That we can't expect others to live up to our expectations and that we can't handle everything by ourselves.  By truly listening and hearing what others are telling us we can survive and thrive through any situation.

My hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

How do you react?

How would you react if someone told you something about yourself or your partner that just plain hurt you?  You don't know the whole situation or story, and the person might be lashing out at you or your partner because they have been hurt by your actions?  Would you confront the person and try to get to the bottom of why they were telling you this information?  Or would you wait to talk to your partner and see if any or all of it might be true?  What if you are already having doubts and insecurities about yourself and the relationship?  How would you react then?  See something was said to me the other night that has been bothering me and I don't know what to do, or how to handle the situation.  See, a part of me knows from the past that what was told to me could be true, but me and my partner have an agreement that situations like what was described to me wouldn't happen.  Now, I know that the person who brought this up, was hurt by something that my partner did and so I am not sure if they weren't just lashing out and trying to hurt him.  All I know for sure is that what was said was something that hurt me.  Then to make matters worse, I haven't been able to talk to my partner about any of this.  For the past two days he hasn't taken any of my calls, and when he finally did call, I asked him if he was some place private where he could talk, he told me that he would call me right back and then hung up.

All of these factors have me guessing as to what is really happening, and since my relationship is already strained because of the distance apart we are and the length of time we have been away from each other, it just makes all of this so much harder.  Plus, there are a few other things that have been bothering me since before my birthday that I have been waiting to talk to him about.  Unfortunately, I am a very social person and I don't do well on my own.  I like being able to talk to him about my problems and issues, which is awesome that I have found someone that I can do that with.  However, there are times like today when I wanted to talk to him, it seemed like it was an inconvenience and he had to go right away, and here I sit waiting for him to call back.  I try my best to be patient, and also as supportive and understanding as I can be. However, he sometimes pushes me to the extreme limit of my endurance, which makes it doubly hard. We have tried to make sure that our relationship is solid enough that we can talk to each other about anything, and discuss it.  We have never had a fight, and as far as I know there have been no secrets that we have kept from one another.  When we first started dating we made a couple of promises to ourselves that we have worked hard to keep in place. Those would be, that we would never go to bed mad at one another, that we wouldn't like to one another, that we would always be upfront and frank about our intentions and discuss things that might be contrary to our normal relationship.

I can tell you that this year has put this to the test in many ways, and I think that he has done a pretty good job of living up to those promises.  I also know that he would tell you that I have beyond a shadow of a doubt. I keep nothing secret from him and no matter how hurt I am, or how hurt he might be from a topic I eventually bring it too him.  As far as I can tell he has been truthful with me about what he has been doing and who he has been hanging out with.  It is hard because we are on opposite sides of the country, but we are doing our best to make it work. When I find it hard to cope with certain situations or when I don't have the ability to talk with him about things I come to you and talk to you guys about it.  This sort of clears my mind and gives me a direction to go in.  So it is rough and hurtful when someone inadvertently or even intentionally upsets that delicate balance.  Now like I stated above, I know from our past, certain activities and things that he has been known to do and participate in, so what was said to me isn't outside the realm of possibilities.  But, on the other side we have discussed these things and he has told me that he wasn't doing them, and that he felt guilty when he tried because I wasn't there with him.  So you can see my concern and confusion.  I love him so very much and I trust him, but the way the statements were delivered to me have given me pause and I would like to find out first hand from him exactly what he has been up too and put my fears and insecurities to rest.

I hope that he finds the time and energy to call me back so that I can finally put my mind to rest on this issue. Because let me tell you the past two days have been rough and all sorts of thoughts have been flying around in my head.  My head tells me that he wouldn't hurt me intentionally like that, but my heart is telling me that it is possible, because it is certainly a way for him to make some money for him to come and see me while I am in California.  But as I sit here and think about this, it really doesn't matter to me, because honestly there is nothing I can do about the situation from where I am at.  It just hurts me that he didn't feel comfortable enough to confide in me in detail his plans so that I wouldn't be caught off guard and hurt like I was.  Like I said the person who told me the details was hurt by something that he had done, and might have been lashing out trying to hurt him and I got caught in the crossfire.

Above all else I want him to know that I am here for him, that I care about him, and that I want him to tell me what he has going on so situations like this don't keep happening.  It is when I am blindsided that I feel like an idiot and are hurt by the words of others.  It is not like he is doing something wrong, however in a relationship those things should be discussed before they happen so that both parties are aware of the situation prior and can fend off the hurtful words and attacks by others.

I hope that he understands that no matter the outcome, my feelings aren't going to change about him, but I want him to confide in me, talk to me and tell me what his plans are before he does them.  I am not one of those people that believes that you should beg for forgiveness instead of asking for permission. I would rather you give me the option to voice my concerns and opinions before the deed is actually done, versus being dismissed out of hand without any say in the situation until it is over and done with.

Remember that all relationships depend on and need open lines of communication, that there has to be a balance that is maintained and that you are absolutely honest with one another no matter the pain that is associated with it.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,


Uncle B

Fools Rush In While the Wise Take Their Time.

I have been thinking a lot about relationships lately.  How they are formed and how they stand the test of time, distance, and endure in the face of adversity, jealousy, and envy.  I have also been considering why they might fail, and what is it that makes one relationship stronger than the other?  How can we protect ourselves from getting hurt?  I am sure you will be pretty surprised at what I have come up with on this.  See I have some friends that jump from relationship to relationship, they leap before they look, and sometimes that isn't always a bad thing. But the problem with leaping and not looking is you never actually know what you are going to get.  A question came out in my many phone conversations over the weekend that needs to be explored and answered, and I thought that there was no better place than on Uncle B's Corner. There are a lot of you who come here for advice, inspiration, guidance and support and I think that the question is one that is truly worthy of looking at in detail.   The question was when are you and I going to be number one, why are we always second best?  Why aren't we someone's first choice? Why do we have to wait and settle for what comes our way?

I am going to attempt to answer all of these question in this entry because I think they all tie together and if I weave my tapestry just right the story that unfolds might illuminate the darkness and dispel some of the common mistakes we make when we enter into a relationship.  The first thing I want to talk to you about is the standard age old question how do you make a relationship work.  The easiest thing to remember is that a relationship is a partnership, it is a two-way street, and both partners have to be willing to give and take, and it has to be an equal share, if one member is giving more than the other, it just isn't going to work.  Now, we have discussed relationships before and what you can do to make them last.  There are several key ingredients that needed to ensuring that your relationship is on a solid foundation, those are things like open communication, you have to be able to feel comfortable enough with your partner that you can discuss anything and everything with them.  There can be no secrets, remember that secrets have a price, not only now but in the future as well.  Secrets lead to feelings of betrayal, and open yourself up to lying and deception.  So there has to be absolute honesty, you have to be able to be honest with yourself first and foremost, then honest with your partner. You can't lie to yourself and then try to be honest with your partner, and further if you are sneaking around and hiding secrets from your partner are you being upfront and honest with them?  I don't actually think it is possible.  Lastly you have to open and receptive, you have to willing to compromise, adapt and bend, you cannot be so stuck and rigid in your ways, if you are how can anyone feel comfortable around you and in your environment.  Along with this concept of being open and receptive, is the willingness to try new things, accept the challenges of discovery, both within yourself and in your partner, you have to be open to experimentation and willing to discuss how you feel with them at every new venture.

If you can say and be honest with yourself, look over what I just wrote above, and you can honestly say that you have those attributes between yourself and your partner, I think you have a firm foundation that is going to be necessary to build a lasting long term relationship, and you will be able to weather the storms and obstacles that life and others are going to throw your way.  But remember this is the foundation and the beginning, this is what is necessary to build upon, and trust me when I tell you that a relationship is a work in progress, it is every changing, and you will have to be open to the challenge of growing and adapting with it.  If you are not! And are stuck in your own set rigidity, it will be easy for your partner to outgrow you and move on with someone else that is adaptable and willing to change and grow with the relationship and them.  Now that being said, it is also important to understand that because a relationship is a two-ways street, there has to be some areas of compromise, acceptance and unconditional surrender.  It is impossible to be in a relationship that is solely based on I versus We.  You have to understand that you are no longer thinking and planning for one, you are now a unit and what you do and decide is going to affect you and the entire relationship.  Along those same lines is the fact that both parties in the relationship are not stationary, you have not completed your own path of enlightenment, your journey of self discovery and awareness, you aren't the final product of who you will be or who you are.  Neither has your partner, therefore you have to build in safeguards and plans, you have to have common relationship goals that are in alignment and further your own personal goals.  Remember I told you in another earlier entry that the couples that have both common friends and individual friends as well as common relationship goals and separate personal goals are the ones that are most likely to endure.

Unconditional acceptance and surrender is a mandatory factor in long lasting relationships, because you have to have the heart to accept those things that you cannot change, and surrender yourself to your partner daily and they to you.  By surrender I mean you have to be able to have total trust and belief in your partner, they are who has your back and will be there to protect and uplift you at all times, and you them.  But lets talk a little bit about trust.  Trust is something that is earned over time, it is not something that is automatic, it has to be proven in words and deeds, and it is reinforced by repeated demonstration.  Once trust is established you have to nurture it and protect it, because as I have told you before it is a fragile thing that can be bruised and hurt very easily if betrayed by the person who it has been gifted too.  But it is this fragile and gentle thing called trust that is what will build the bond between you and your partner that no one can break.  It protects you against the jealousy, adversity and envy that others will try to throw at you, they will try to drive a wedge between you and separate you.  I believe that it was Sun Su once said that it is easier to win if you divide and conquer.  You cannot let another's words or deeds separate you from your partner, if you do then you are lost, and the relationship might not be able to survive. Trust is also what will allow your relationship to withstand time and distance, because you have learned to accept and trust your partner and know that they are not going to do anything that will hurt you, that you can count on them and rely on them at all times and in all things.

It is also possible to protect yourself and your heart from getting hurt by taking the time to really get to know the person that you are going out with.  Build a friendship, a relationship that fosters trust, explore each others personal goals, and explore their interest, hobbies, likes and dislikes.  I mean really get to know them, understand them see if their philosophy is similar to your own.  There is definitely nothing wrong with taking it slow.  Remember that everyone of us wears a mask that protects who we are from the world around us, take time to get to know and see the person behind their mask, you will be glad that you did.  Keep in mind that the person that you think they are when you started dating isn't the person that you are going to end up with, because after the honeymoon period and that mask is off, if you haven't taken the opportunity and time to get to know them you might be surprised to find you don't like the person or have anything at all in common with them. Which is why at the beginning of this I told you that those the rush into relationships end up not knowing what they are actually getting.

They say that we should learn from our past, and in the past courtships were usually longer in duration then they are today.  It is a proven fact that people who have a bond of friendship and  a deep respect and love for one another, who fall in love have a more successful and healthy relationship.  I know a lot of you think that if you get too close with a friend that it might ruin the relationship you have with them.  Honestly, guys that is a load of crap.  If you are friends already it will only make that friendship stronger, because a true friend is someone that already accepts you unconditionally, and if something were to happen with the relationship the friendship would still remain and both of you would get past the failed attempt. Remember that the human heart has the greatest capacity to love and forgive. How many times have you had fights and arguments with a friend and didn't talk to them for a while, but sooner or later both of you will come back together and make up.  Friendship can endure through anything, and the same is true for relationships based on true love.  Honestly, how can you love someone if you don't know them? How can you meet someone and three days later think you know everything about them, and be in love?  The answer my friend to both of these questions is that you can't.  If you really are honest with yourself, you know that you have confused attraction and lust and combined it with the feeling of being wanted and needed and called it love.  Love takes time to grow, it is a seed that is planted, nurtured, and then blooms, and when it does it is the sweetest thing you can ever know.

As far as the question of always being a runner up, never anyone's first choice that is a perception thing.  See if you are confident about yourself and know what you want, you end up settling for whatever comes your way, you jump at the first person that shows you attention, and again you confuse the emotions of being needed and wanted with your lust and attraction and think that it is love.  Honestly your mind has tricked you into thinking that lust was actually love, and you thought that the person's mask was the real person, you never gave each other the chance to meet the real people hiding behind the mask waiting to be revealed.  Therefore, everything you thought was actually a lie that you have told yourself, and no matter what you do the brain cannot ever trick the heart.  The heart will try to it's best to accept the other person but soon little things that they do and say will begin to bother you.  Once that starts happening that annoyance  will grow to animosity and eventually to dislike and the relationship will fall apart.  After this happens to you several times you start to doubt yourself, and your ability to actually find love.   Thus making yourself the perfect bridesmaid but never the bride.

Just remember my friend, if you are truly in the market for love, take the time to properly invest in it.  Love and relationships take work and effort, they are not spur of the moment things, and in my mind love at first sight rarely if ever actually happens.  The longer you take and the more that you know about each other will go a long way in building that foundation I was talking about, and once that foundation is laid, nothing in this world will ever be able to dislodge that which is built upon it.  I can tell you from my own personal experience that building a relationship that has a solid foundation of friendship, common experiences and unending trust is worth all the effort, energy and time you put into it.  What an amazing feeling it is to wake up in the morning thinking about someone and know that they are thinking about you.  That you have no doubt in your mind about that person or their intentions, and that they would do nothing intentionally to hurt you.  You know in your mind that they are your light and inspiration and when you go to sleep at night they are the last person that you think about before you fall asleep.  I have to admit, that even though me and my man are miles apart and have been separated for over a year, our relationship has grown so much stronger.  Let me tell you I used to get jealous when people flirted with him and he flirted back, but here is a lesson I learned, I should have taken it as a compliment that others think my man is sexy as hell and is attractive, because it is a great compliment not only to him but to me as well.  See, my man chased me down, he wanted me, and made that perfectly clear, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he could have had anyone he wanted, but it is me that he chose, and it is me that he wants, and at the end of the day I am the one he comes too, tells everything too, and above all else, I am the one he is thinking about.  When we are together I feel like I am home and content just being near him.  Talking to him on the phone puts a smile on my face and joy in my heart.  I know he is the only one for me.  Especially now after everything we have been through, because we have been apart for over a year, and all we have had is talking to one another, and Facebook and emails.  It forced us to actually talk to one another, to explore each other and learn all about each other all over again.  What I have learned and what he has shown me through all of this has been priceless, and no one can ever compete with our memories, and experiences.  No one could ever pry us apart or drive a wedge in between us, because we know each other so well now.

I hope that you take my words and use them, build the foundation, earn the trust needed, invest the time and energy necessary into really getting to know one another and find out exactly what I am talking about.  Again, life is too short to be alone and feeling unfulfilled.  Let me tell you when you find your true love, you will know in your heart, the heart cannot be fooled.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Here's the thing about Love!

Over the past few days the topic of love has been brought up to me by several people.  One of my best friends in Ft. Lauderdale has been going through some stuff with his boyfriend and has begun to question his idea of love. Even I have been questioning it a great deal lately, because the person I am interested in has been MIA (missing in action).  Then there is my friend Tony in Atlanta that I have been thinking about and the conversations we had while I was visiting up there last month.  All of these discussions have prompted me to look a little closer at love, and what I really know about it.

See I am not a typical gay person, until recently I have always been in a long term relationships.  In a way I have been in one relationship after another for the first 30 years of my life.  After my relationship with Joe ended I seem to have had a series of short term relationships ranging from a couple of months to three years, but even though I have been in relationships and been with men all of my life, I wonder if I have ever truly been in love.

See, love is suppose to make things easy between two people and bring them from separate individuals into a couple.  It is supposed to make them stronger, bring them closer together, unite them.  When two people are truly in love with one another it is almost like a drug, they are intoxicated by each others presence and hate to be alone.  The couple ignore the flaws and faults of the other, they accept them for themselves. They enjoy spending time together and talking about everything. There are no secrets between them and they trust each other completely.  They want only the best for their partner and wish them good fortune and happiness at every turn.  They love doing little things and creating surprises, they bring out the best in each other and push them to reach their limits. Love creates a patient understanding between the two of them and conflict is less because they fit together so well.

Since I have been in good relationships and bad relationships and have stayed with people way longer than I should have, I think I have a good handle on what relationships entail.  But, still I wonder if any of the relationships I have been in really were based on love, or were they more a partnership?  Or a joining of forces to reach the next level or step in life? To be honest, I think that maybe the reason why those relationships of the past didn't last forever was because they weren't based on love, but more a joining of partners like a business partnership.  Maybe I am still waiting for the right person to come along, my soulmate so to speak.  Who honestly knows at this point!

This is what I know about love: Love is kind, considerate, never boastful, it is trusting, full of compassion and understanding, it is patient and kind, giving and most of all it is forgiving.  Love allows us to accept ourselves and others, including their likes, dislikes, their goodness and their faults.  Love is never envious, it is always gentle, yet when it needs to be it can be firm.  Love doesn't judge or find fault, it is unconditionally given and is always greatest when it is shared. Love is a seed that is planted, tended patiently and blooms with spectacular colors and passions. It unites us and binds us, it gives us hope for the future, and strength to overcome any obstacle.  Love has the ability to span time and distance, bridge gaps in cultures, ethnicities and social barriers. Yet love also blinds us to the frailties of the spirit, but uplifts us and gives us the ability to overcome disabilities, limitations and stigmas.

Love isn't hard, it doesn't hurt and if it does there is something extremely wrong.  Love unites, never separates, it doesn't thrive in strife and anger, it withers and grows thorns.  There is a fine line between love and hate they say and if your aren't careful you can cross that line.  Yet, somehow I don't believe that is honestly true, because if there is love in your heart, and you look through compassionate eyes, there can be no hate. Love counters hate, it is a light that guides us, it is what make a house feel like home, it makes our partner feel like part of us, that where one of us ends the other begins, it is a circle and the ring that is used to symbolize love and the union of a couple is symbolic of the circle.  You can forgive anything through love, but you should never forget, because forgetting could possibly lead to you to make the same mistakes again.

What I am trying to say is this, if you find yourself questioning the one you love, look at the circumstances that you find yourselves in.  Maybe it isn't the person that you are doubting, but the actions and choices that have brought you to that point.  Only you can know what is in your heart and mind, and if you aren't honest with yourself you can never truly be honest with your partner. That my friend isn't love, it is a deception, a lie that you tell yourself so you can sleep at night.  See, we can never truly know what another is thinking, their motivations, the forces that are acting upon them, the deceit and deceptions they are playing on themselves and you. But, what we can see and feel is their heart, their intentions may be hidden from us, but their heart is what will give them away, because the actions that follow will be clear.  I keep telling others that actions speak louder than words, that the small things you do for each other give clues to the seriousness of their love.  See, it is the little things that make it all worthwhile, the little note in their lunch that says "I love You". The unexpected surprise gift, the little note left on the mirror that tells them to smile.  The little romantic gestures that seem silly and mundane to the rest of the world but mean so much to you and your partner, those are the tell tale signs of love.

Anyone can utter the words I love you, but do their actions, eyes, and heart show that they do?  That is only something you can find out and answer. There really is someone out there for everyone, and we have to find that person, make the connection and when you do it will be awesome and everything you dreamed of.  You will know in your heart that they are the one. I don't know how, but I know it is true. I have seen people in love, and felt the warmth radiate from them, I have noticed the gleam in their eye, and I have felt the joy and happiness that they contain, so yes my friends I know that love exists. It isn't some chemical balance that is released into your bloodstream.  It is a connection of the soul a binding of the spirit, it is so much more than just two people coming together and muttering words of love.  Those types of relationships tend to fail.  Love comes from really knowing someone, trusting them completely, it isn't something that just happens, it is a deep an inner connection that grows over time.

Don't fret my friend if you haven't gotten there yet, it will come, just be patient.  Oh and one more thing, the strongest and most lasting relationships usually start out as friendships.  So don't be fooled when someone tells you they care about you, but they don't want to ruin the friendship, because guess what if that is what they think then they aren't the right one.  Because anyone knows that you can't ever truly ruin a friendship, you can make it stronger with love, but see friendships are everlasting, they also require work, but a friend gets over the pain of mistakes and they can work through anything.  I have had several blowouts with some of my best friends over the years and I can honestly tell you that no matter what time has healed those wounds and we have always managed to work through our issues and problems and have always come back together. So take it from me, you may have found your love, they could be one of your friends and you both just don't know it yet, because like I said earlier it is a seed that once planted takes time to grow, and when it does you will definitely know.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Gay Relationship are hard enough add distance to it and you got a mess

Now for those of my readers who are gay, you know that I am serious when I say that gay relationships are hard as it is.  But, when you add a long distance romance into the mix you can imagine how difficult that can be.  You often wonder what is happening on the other end.  Mainly because you feel dissociated, that personal connection you have with your partner is strained to the max.  Further, you have to have absolute trust in your partner.  Even the slightest doubt can cause major insecurities to blossom.  Further, as the miles and distance are major factors, you may also find yourselves faced with different time zones and other such impediments that at home relationships don't have to face.

There is also the longing and loneliness that you have to contend with, there is a yearning to be with that person and though it is impossible you try to think up ways of keeping the communication lines open.  You may try video chatting, messaging on Facebook, texting via cellphone, calling and a myriad of other methods to try to whittle the distance down.  I speak from personal experience, I am on a different time zone from my partner, and because of his medical condition and career, we are often unable to communicate.  It kills me when I don't hear from him for days on end.  I found out today that the reason why I haven't heard from him since Saturday was because he is sick and in a lot of pain.

The good thing about my relationship is that I don't have to worry about him cheating, because we have already been down that road.  We have had are party days and fooled around with a lot of people. I know for me that my health will not allow me to do that anymore, even if I wanted too. Further, I know that he isn't interested in anyone other than me. We both have been through an abusive relationship and won't tolerate letting ourselves get back into that type of situation.  Plus, our time together has made us stronger. We talk about everything and every decision. This is the key to any type of relationship.  As I have said before in my article about how to make any relationship work, you have to be flexible and have open lines of communication.  It is imperative that everything you do that affects your life you share with those you love and care about.  What I would love to tell you that as with pain and hurt that time makes it easier. But the truth is that in a long distance relationship time makes it harder to deal with. More and more feelings of dissociation and loneliness creep in.

I would ask you to ask yourself what could you do to bring the too of you closer, and I would challenge you to try and make it happen. Make yourself and your partner happy, close the distance and start over, because I am going to tell you that if you are separated any length of time you are going to have to start over, relearn everything about each other.  In doing so you need to keep an open mind and be flexible to change. As in my case I know that illness is what ended up separating us, and it is what is going to pull us back together. I know we have discussed me coming to where he is at, and then again we have talked about him coming to where I am at.  Which ever way it finally works out is going to be a blessing, because the truth of the matter is we really need each other. We feed off each other and we are actually the opposite of one another. In other words if we were a circle we would each be a half and when combined we would be a whole.

I have been feeling so lost and alone because I feel like a big part of me is missing.  I had fantasies of others and thought that I would explore other options, until the day that my partner and I finally started comparing notes and we realized that we really did love each other and didn't want to have anyone else our lives.  I am so very glad that he is in my life.  Even though we left Atlanta last year each of us going in separate directions we never truly ended the relationships that we had. So we decided that we were going to build on it and make it work even over the distances that separate us.

My hope is that if you are in a relationship, whether straight or gay, that you keep an open line of communication and endeavor to keep an open mind, stay flexible and open to change.  This will make being in a relationship that much easier.  Be willing to give 100 percent of yourself and demand a 100 percent in return. Keep in mind that you have to be willing to accept that no one is perfect...remember that in true love you accept the other person for who they are, all of them as a whole.  A complete package, the good the bad and the indifferent.  Long distance relationships are even tougher, but again I think that the key is talking and having an open communication line.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B