Where does it go! Why so fast

They say "Easy Come, Easy Go", and I immediately think about my money. Getting paid once a month really sucks and usually by the 10th of the month I am totally flat broke. Especially when I was used to getting paid every other week and quite a bit more than I am making now. If it was just me that I was supporting my money would go a bit further I think. My income was never meant to support more than one person. But for three years I was doing considerably well.

But, then my relationship failed and my ex took off to Atlanta which threw me behind in every aspect of my life. I got behind on my electric, cable, rent and just about every other aspect of my life. I ended up losing my condo and from that moment forward I gave been struggling.

In December I finally got tired of struggling and made a move to try and correct that situation.  At this point I have come to stay with a friend and his partner.  I have taken control of my medical situation and have reached out to try and get myself established in Jacksonville.  January has been a month of appointments trying to get the care I need and establish myself with the appropriate agencies that can help me and keep me off the streets.

Though this journey is just beginning I am hoping that they end result will bear the fruit that I need. But if January is going to be any guage as to how things are going to be then I maybe in trouble.  Because before I knew what was happening my money was gone and the struggle has been real.  Though my luck has turned around a bit with credit. I fear that it might cause me to drift back in the wrong direction financially. So this evening I started laying out a plan to get a budget in place that should help me plan a bit more towards saving money.

Further, by encouraging my partner to fill out and get food stamps will help with the food situation thus making February easier financially.  This month was full of unexpected expenses that I shouldn't have next month. There were 3 trips to and from Daytona that I had not planned on or prepared for.  With that being said I know that next month there will be trips back to handle legal business but after that things should go back to normal.  I am not sure what the outcome of court is going to be but I am hoping that no matter what I will be able to start saving money so that I can finally get into a new place that has everything that I would like to have again.

Flying by the seat of your pants and not budgeting adequately can lead to living from paycheck to paycheck. This year it is my goal to get away from living that way. I fear that the next several months are going to be full of struggling to get to that point because I know that no matter how well you plan unexpected expenses crop up.  Yet by May I hope to have created a buffer that will take care of those. But as with everything in life you have to start from square one and move forward.

I have never found a way to jump ahead and stay there. Because there is always something lurking around every corner that you haven't thought about or included in your original planning.  When I was working full-time and I had money it was easy to over spend and live beyond my means. Then when I got sick, unplanned and unexpected, I was forced to leave the work force and depend on social security. This was definitely something that I wasn't used too and I still struggle with the amount that I currently make.

Though I do believe that I am finally getting the hang of things and becoming more comfortable with my means. I still find that my money goes out way faster then it comes in. Yet, with the proper help and support from my partner I think that it will become much easier in the future.  I know in the past that we talked about money and finances, but apparently it was a lesson that I needed to learn all over again. Because here we are talking about it once again. The one thing to keep in mind is that if you have more withdrawals than deposits it is easy to go out of balance and negative.  Therefore it is important to know what your expenses are and budget accordingly.

In my budget I am padding in a $100 buffer each month. This will be applied to savings and will add up rather quickly. This will I hope give me the opportunity to eventually replace the things there I have lost and give me the ability to fix some of the negative things that are affecting my credit at this moment.

In a couple of months hopefully I will be able to come back to you and report that "Easy Come, Easy Go" is no longer something that I fear. That I will be able to report to you I have stopped living from paycheck to paycheck and that I have been successful in saving money each month.

Here is my advice to you on a simple budget. Gather all your monthly bills and expenditures together from the previous month, pull out a notebook and at the top record your projected monthly income. From there it is simply enough to create a line item for each bill subtract it from your projected income and keep a running tally of what you have left after each line item.  As you pay each bill  go back to your budget and record your actual. Compare your projected and actual and keep track. This will also be useful to you when balancing your checkbook each month.

As I have noted some of my projected payments will not be as high as my actual so already I have created a buffer and will be able to save more in the long run or that is my hope and goal.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you. Laugh often, love much and live well.

Uncle B

The 2016 formula for personal success

2016 is already shaping up to be a time for change and transition.  The prospects of falling into the same rut that you ended up in during 2015 isn't something you are excited about or willing to accept.  Recently,  I spoke to you about taking the initiative and putting yourself out there. If you don't know what i am talking about. You need to go back and read "Nothing ventured Nothing gained". 

Here is something I do know if you really want something and are willing to put in the effort toward getting it, you can and will achieve it. It doesn't matter if you don't know how to achieve it, all you have to do is take a step in that direction. No one wakes up and says I want this and they get it right away. You have got to set the stage, gather the required skills to accomplish something.  Once you have the skills, you have to get on the appropriate path, then work towards your desired goal.  Let me try to explain it a little more clearly.  You have to do some research on whatever topic or goal that you want to strive for. You must at least struggle to get a complete picture of what it is you want, from there you must look for a path to carry from the point you are at to the point where you want yourself to be. Then set out working towards that, don't be scared you just have to take that first step.  The knowledge you seek you must somehow learn and the only way you can do that is by taking small steps toward that goal.

When I was in my 20's,  I knew that I wanted more for myself than working for minimum wage.  I saw an opportunity for a new beginning and I took the steps that put me out there. Computers were becoming household objects and everybody wanted one. This was something that really hasn't changed much at all. Computers are common place now, literally everywhere you go.  The first movement was everybody wanted one, then everyone had one, then they wanted them smaller,  easier to transport, so portability became a factor which changed the industry.  Next became what we wanted the computers to do for us. Desktops became laptops, laptops became ultra or power books. But still people wanted more functionality and portability.  Now we are at a point where everyone now carries around their own personal mini computer. It is either in the form of a phone or tablet. So, why am I telling you all of this?

Because I knew that I wanted to be involved in this.  I left Orlando with an internal understanding that I was going to achieve this, I was going to be a part of that industry. I didn't know how or when but I knew I had something to offer. I left Orlando and moved to Atlanta where I became a flight attendant, which allowed me the money to buy the books I needed to train myself everything I could learn about programming and computers.  It took me 4 years of investing and educating myself to the point where I felt competent enough to step out and apply for a job in my chosen career. But here I ran into another road block, a degree. At that time every company was looking for people that could do as well as have the degree. 

Finding myself in this situation, I understood that all the knowledge that I had would only get me so far. So, I went back to school and used what I taught myself to achieve a bachelors degree as well as my master's degree. These pieces of paper gave legitimacy to my knowledge and allowed me to move forward in my field.  I have made lasting contributions in my field I positioned myself as an expert in my field, I was able to utilize my business knowledge with my technical skills to create a bridge between the two and filled a gap that I saw. I became a liaison the two, translating the business needs to the development teams and built processes and programs to further overall agenda for many companies and government entities that will last long after I am gone.

To those around me I became a go getter. I saw what I wanted and I reached out and did it. I took the risk and achieved the goal I aimed for. It may seem like I knew what I was doing, but the truth of the matter was I just applied myself and made a fit, it wasn't always perfect, yet it worked. So here we are and I want you to be as successful as I was and it really comes down to a very simple formula. You too can be a go getter and a trailblazer.  All you have to do is:

1.) Be yourself  - become totally comfortable in your own skin.
2.) Create your own destiny - nothing is carved in stone. Do what you can and what you know.
3.) Use your gifts - I used the ability to learn and taught myself what I needed. I also applied my talents to every project.
And finally,
Open yourself to change. Expect that as you apply yourself your environment and surroundings are going to change be ready for when they do.

You are now well on your way towards achieving and sustaining your own personal success.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Why others lose faith in us

When you show those you love the deepest dark parts of yourself doubt and mistrust creep in. Couple that with lying or betraying those that trust and respect you, can cause them to lose faith in you totally and can send even the strongest souls tumbling in confusion and darkness.  I often talk about being a person with integrity,  strength of character and honor.  These are very likely the traits that have drawn others to you. I am not sure if you remember us talking about how positive attracts positive while negative attracts more negative this fact remains true when dealing with people as well as energy.

A positive outlook on life tends to draw like minded people toward you and they become friends, but the inverse is also true. A negative outlook will cause other negative thinkers into your orbit.  Trust is a very fragile thing and can be broken by the simplest of deeds. While I believe that it is possible to slowly rebuild trust there must be a solid foundation from which to rebuild.  Friendship is the foundation that I am referring to,  it doesn't matter if you are in a romantic relationship or just a friendship trust is earned and built upon.

Lying and deception are the surest ways to destroy the trust you have built with another person.  Words said out of anger can cause wounds that never truly heal. They can be forgiven but the cannot ever be erased. With a foundation of open communication friendships and trust can be built rather quickly, and if the other person really values the friendship /relationship they can come to terms with the betrayal,  however, as I stated once that initial trust has been broken, injured or even destroyed,  it can take an extremely long time for it to be mended, healed and rebuilt.

With trust comes mutual respect and admiration for the other.  The relationship is beneficial and mutual to you both. With each passing day growing stronger, and more resilient.  I try to foster long lasting relationshipswith everyone that I meet, because over time I have learned that each individual that comes into your life has been brought there for a reason.  Maybe you will learn something from them, or maybe you have something to teach them, or even possibly you just need a new shoulder to cry on. No matter what the reason, everyone that comes into your life is there because of a need.

Humans are social creatures and enjoy company of others. The human heart has the greatest capacity for loving and caring for others. You may not know this but you are very capable of loving any number of people, pets or possessions.  The human heart is without equal in its ability to love and be loved.

Caution needs to be heeded because with the capacity to love comes the ability to feel great pain and anguish when you feel that you have been betrayed or your trust has been broken.  It is through the hearts ability to love that we gain the power to forgive. It also allows us to apologize and be sincere in our apologies when we fail to live up to another person's expectation of us.

Now that I have broached once again that another person can have certain expectations that they think that you should live up too. Unfortunately,  expectations are broken all the time and should never be placed on another person.  Having them of yourself is okay. But it truly is unrealistic foe someone to live up to your expectations of them specifically because they are unaware of them. These are things that are not usually discussed the are just feelings that we create because we assume we really know someone else.  But here is the truth of the matter, it is truly impossible to truly get to know someone else,  unless they allow you to.  You can never truly know what another is thinking or planning.  I have been hurt so many times by thinking thatI truly knew someone and was completely blindsided by half truths and hidden agendas and false intentions.

So how do we guard ourselves against those hidden parts of another's mind? In short I have yet to find a short cut or a way to protect myself from these things. Time my friend is the denominator that will reveal all that is hidden. Time is the great equalizer, it can heal bruised feelings, grant time to rebuild lost trust and with open communication and truth being your tools you can get through those snares. Over time a friend will reveal themselves and show that they are truly someone that you can rely upon.

I really hope that this helps you out there,  I am learning these lessons daily the hard way. Feel free to talk to your friends and partners. Let them know that they shouldn't be afraid to tell you anything and be sure to talk about everything.   Remember always that things done in the dark always come to light.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

Don't be a victim any more!

I posted a blog several minutes ago that is totally based on personal experience.  How I have found myself confronted with friends and acquaintances that continually hit me up asking for help both financially and emotionally.  What I have realized is that I am the one that has set up myself for failure in my dealings with others.  Last year when I was in Atlanta, I found out that I am stuck in a pattern of behavior, a destructive spiral that has been repeating in my life for years. But each time I get hurt I am still surprised. My case manager at AID Atlanta pointed out to me that everything I have ever done is set myself up to be a victim.  I started seeking professional help.  Apparently my personal interrelationship skills have been severely warped because of trauma experienced in my previous long term relationship.  Now, trust me when I tell you that there was some trauma, mental and physical abuse that I endured for twelve years, but I don't believe that my behavior is a product of that relationship alone.  As I am very fond of telling you, we are the product of everything we have ever been through, all the people we have ever known and the decisions and choices we have made. With that being said, let me tell you that I believe some of my behavior problems come from the way my parents interacted with each other while I was growing up.

My parents were married and divorced from each other 4 times.  They had terrible fights and never got along.  All together my parents were together for 36 years, but I am not sure they ever knew what true love was.  This pattern of behavior between my parents had affected my ability to find and nurture a successful relationship.  Plus, the experiences I have had with my own long term relationships have affected my self-esteem and self-worth.  Sometimes I wonder if that alone might the biggest factor in how I enter into relationships and how I react when I meet other people. See when my 12 1/2 year relationship finally came to an end, I had forgotten who I was. I somehow lost myself in the relationship, my sense of identity and fundamentally my drive and direction in life.  I had also been told over and over again for 12 long years that I was fat, ugly, untalented and undesirable. I had heard it so much, that I began to believe it.  Now, even though I weigh a hundred and thirty pounds I still see the fat person staring back at me from the mirror.

In order to keep myself from getting hurt, I met and dated people that I felt needed me, people who I thought I could help or rescue from themselves or the situations that they were in.  I guess in some sort of way it made me feel good helping other people, that I was like a hero coming to their rescue, was helping them to better themselves. It made me feel useful and needed, and somewhere during our conversations, I would explain how others in my past had stolen from me or done me wrong.  Thus giving them the ammunition and the information they needed to do exactly the same thing to me that others had done.  What I did was sabotage myself and the relationship right from the beginning.  Instead of protecting myself, I ended up giving away my weaknesses and vulnerability.  Then I would wonder why I was hurt and used and left all over again, and why it seemed to keep happening to me.  I used to think that men would see my kindness for weakness, but what was actually happening was I myself was giving others the ability to use me and take from me repeatedly.

What I am trying to tell you is that each of us follows our own pattern of behavior, and if you look hard enough and are honest with yourself you can discover yours. Once you discover the pattern and understand why you have fallen into it, you can then change it. You can break out of it and create a new pattern.  My pattern started because I had the need to feel wanted, the need to be needed and useful in someone else's life. What started out as a desire to help others, to make their lives easier, to help them overcome their obstacles and work through their issues and crisis's, would end up with me getting involved with them. Some might even call that a Florence Nightengale syndrome.  You want to help and be a rescuer, you get a sense of joy and fulfillment out of helping others, it makes you feel like you are useful and worthy.  You then start to identify those feelings with intimacy, and you start falling for those you are trying to help.  Or at least that is what I did.  I would then further talk to them explain to them how hurt I have been in the past, what I was afraid of, how people had stolen from me, taken from me and used me.  By doing that and confiding in these individuals, I gave them all the information and ammunition they needed to do the same thing to me.  Therefore, I ended up perpetuating this behavior over and over again.  So I would be a savior, hero, protector, basically Captain-Save-A-Ho. Then I would get closer to the person I was trying to help, become intimate, reveal my entire life history to them, and open myself up to be a victim, then once it happened I would then become a martyr.  This was a never ending cycle.

Being a drug addict didn't help the situation at all. As a matter of fact it opened me up to scores of people that always seemed to need help.  I was in a financial situation where I could help them, get them drugs and help them get off the street.  I didn't realize the destructiveness of my behavior.  Nor while I was on the drugs could I see what was plain to everyone around me. That my relationship building skills were severely damaged.  Once I realized that I was stuck in a destructive type of behavior, I started to change my pattern, got off the drugs, got a job, reevaluated my goals and moved away from my old group of friends.  On top of that I enrolled in school to better myself and start a new chapter in my life.  I also started writing my blog, to help others and put some distance between myself and others.  I don't want to again confuse my need to help others with intimacy.  I am more guarded with my life and who and what I allow in.  I stay away from the drugs and those that do them and I am much happier that way.

Honestly, if you are not happy with your life, you have to do something to change it yourself, it doesn't come with a remote control.   What this means is that you have to get up off your butt and make the changes because there isn't a little box that is going to make the changes for you.  You have to put some effort into making the change or it just isn't going to happen.  Change takes effort, time and energy!  But trust me if I can do it you can too.  Don't let others intimidate you or make you feel that you owe them something. Because you know what the only person you owe anything too is yourself.  You owe it to yourself to protect yourself from hurt, pain or people that want to use and abuse you.  You have to put yourself first and everyone else after that. Just like in my earlier blog, you can want to help someone, but if they aren't doing something to change themselves, and they are not demonstrating that they want to change, walk away. Because you can't force someone to change themselves. They have to want it. They have to make the effort, you cannot do that for them.  Also if someone is demonstrating that they are continuing in their same pattern behavior and not trying to better themselves. Move on, they are stuck on Repeat and are going to stay there till they hit rock bottom.  Once they hit rock bottom they are likely to want to make the necessary changes to move on with their life.

I have a lot of friends and acquaintances that are still out there waking up every morning turning to their dealer and asking for a wake up, then in the afternoon calling back looking for a pick me up.  They go from place to place, party to party, friend to friend looking for their next hit or fix.  These are the people that are stuck on repeat.  Not making any effort to change their behavior or situation.  The friend I was talking about in my last entry who asked me to help him out, is living on the street. Staying in hotels for a couple nights at a time before going back on to the street.  He hustles, sells himself to make a buck and get his drugs.  I was attracted to him, wanted to help him and get him off the street.  I offered to buy him a bus ticket and bring him down to stay with me.  At first he wanted to stay in Atlanta to spend time with his family for his birthday. He was supposed to get back with me on dates that he would be able to come.  He never did, and then last night got mad at me when he asked me for help and I told him that I didn't have the money.  He also threw it in my face that I hadn't bought the bus ticket yet, therefore I was a bullshitter.

The truth of the matter is that it was him and his inconsistency that caused me not to buy the ticket to come to Florida.  Further, after our conversation last night I realized that what I had done, how I had confused my desire of wanting to help him and better his situation with feelings of caring.  He used that against me by telling me that he cared about me and missed me. But his words and actions tell me otherwise. This is how I came to realize that it wasn't me that he wanted.  He wanted what he thought that I could do for him. To him it didn't matter who it was, he cared about what others can do for him. Further, the more we talked the more it became evident that everything that he ever told me about how he cared for me and even told me that he loved me was a lie.  He doesn't want to change his life or his situation, he wants to hustle others to get what he needs.  He has no problem telling them what he thinks they want to hear.  This is what he did to me, and when I offered to help him get off the streets all he wanted was for me to send him money.  He even tried to tell me things about the person I am dating thinking that this would separate us and make it easier for him to get what he wanted out of me. Even now as I am writing this I am once again bemoaning what has happened to me.  The difference this time, I have come to realize the pattern and now I am exposing it to the world and purging it from my system by writing this.  I don't want you to think that I am making myself out to be a martyr, see I know what I have done, and realize it.  I am explaining it to you so that you don't get caught up like I did.

Be wary of your patterns, learn them and if they are detrimental to yourself or others change them anyway you can. Just by making a minor deviation, you can totally change your pattern altogether. I hope that you take my experience and learn from it.  If you find yourself in a similar situation you need to let them go, walk away and cut your losses.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Don't ask me Why?

My heart's so sad that I could cry
And I'm not sure if I want to live or die.
A careless word from your lips smashed me like a fly.
One soft kiss would lift me so high
I left my past so high and dry
so I could live and never lie
how hard would it be for you to try?
oh why can't we see eye to eye?
You never stopped to ask me why?
Do I want to live or die?
All I know is that I don't want to say good-bye
When I said I was fine couldn't you hear the lie?
you asked me once again to try
I opened up and started to fly,
I was atop the world so high.
Only to cling to hope and watch it die.
Don't ask me why we live to die.
All I know is I've got to try,
to win you over to my side and whisper softly a lullaby
that will make things right for you and I
Don't you want to go higher than the sky?
Don't you see our loves dangling from this tiny wire please stop yourself and ask why?
You are ready to throw away our love like a die.
Don't kid yourself with another lie
you have to let it go that past of yours, in order to give it another try.
You told me that you wanted  my ???
was it attention? why?
if all we are going to do is walk back into that pig-sty.
Don't ask me why I cannot cry.
I broke down my walls surrendered to you my personal "I"
No longer me but we alone to live or die.
Is what I thought! Was that a lie?
How can I feel so low when I was so high
Where do we go now? For another try?
I am not sure I can take this pain, if we fail I will die
You are my world, my light, my life, you know why?
Because you said it was me that made you fly!
So why?
Do you want it to die?
You haven't told a lie
but never really said why!
Do I give you another try?
Or should I sit and cry?
Never to understand why,
I wasn't enough to be your high!
My lips so soft and dry
as I kissed you and looked in your eye
I knew right then my soul would die
my heart so crushed it couldn't cry
Oh how I wish that I could die
you couldn't leave your past behind it was your tie
to hold you back from me oh my.
I guess this really is good-bye
Didn't I say don't ask me why?
I wanted to live or die.
Don't ask me why we cannot fly
Don't ask me why?  I cannot believe another Lie,
I guess this is how true love comes to die! ~ b

As you read this I tried very hard to use the same words over and over again to paint a picture of longing and sadness.  A part of this I was feeling tonight, but only a part.  This was not truly aimed at anyone, but it does beg to ask the question why is it so hard to leave our past behind and start over?   I hope it prompts some of you to think about the decisions you make, how they affect those around you, and to honestly look at your past and leave it where it is.

Tomorrow's blog is going to be about just that the past..

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B