For years I have been the victim of my own poor choices, bad relationships and my inability to judge another person's character. I know that as a man I have to face the consequences of my actions, the repercussions of choices, and I am judged by those I hang around. I have always started my journey's with the best of intentions, and yet somehow it always seems to fuck up and I am carried in a direction that I never ever dreamed would have happened. Over and over again, I have always done exactly what other people wanted. I have put others well being over my own, I always think of myself last, and when I am hurt I am standing all alone and wondering where my friends really are. My last relationship was like that, and the last year in Atlanta was messed up by the choices and friends that I associated with.
Now, I have come to Florida, and I was doing really well for myself. Despite being here 3 days and having to have emergency surgery, and taking 2 months to recover. I still had a job, a car, and a place of my own in 8 months from getting off that bus. I ended up bringing my partner back here and I ended up making poor choices and wrong decisions and I lost everything and had to start over. Here I am 4 months out of a nursing home and I have my own car and my own place. But, I am afraid that I have placed another above me and it is going to be my undoing. I am not sure that I am strong enough to recover this time. My best friend needed me and I was there for him. I have done everything I have said I was going to do, and yet tonight it just seemed like I was being brushed off, that he didn't want me around and do you know how badly that hurt. He said he didn't snap at me but he did, and my feelings were crushed.
I am sitting here right now writing this with tears streaming down my face, and when he called me I tried to explain, what I was feeling and he tried to turn it around on me and make me feel like I was the one that was hurting his feelings. That I didn't put everything aside and everyone else to the back so that I could spend time with him and his family. Not because I had too but because I really wanted to and for them to be leaving tomorrow and I was just casually thrown to the side.
How many times am I going to put myself out there and try and help someone and get my face stomped on in the process? How many times am I going to have to sit at home and cry because once again I come in second to someone else? I want to be there for my friend because at least in my eyes he is a friend, but what am I really too him? Am I a friend? I don't even know anymore, I thought I had gotten stronger, I thought that I had isolated myself from the negative influences in my life and now I am not even sure if I am on the right path anymore.
It never fails when I start to get going good something makes me swerve or turn around. My life has been a series of wrong turns and u-turns. I want to be a help so bad, but what ends up happening is I set myself up for failure, I become a victim in my own life and everything derails and I have to start the whole damn thing all over again. I have stayed in relationships way longer than I should have, I have helped people who were undeserving and who were only out to help themselves, and I am beginning to see that has become the pattern of my life and I am not sure I am strong enough to break it.
I am not sure that I have another u-turn left in me. I have failed before I have had a chance to even start, and it was because my own friend has sabotaged themselves. They have convinced themselves that they are not worthy of love, companionship or friendship. Since they have done that they have started to dwell on anything and everything that comes into their life and guess what all of that is drawing more negative energy into their life. I want to be strong for my friend, I want to try and make up for past mistakes, but he has made it impossible for me to move forward without falling into a dark abyss that I may never find my way out of. He told me today that he needed help and I am afraid that I am not the right one to handle that at all. I used to think I was up to the challenge, but now that I have seen that he doesn't really give a shit about me or my feelings, I wonder if everything I have been trying to accomplish is just in vain.
I am a failure at love, I have tried so many times and they have all gone so horribly wrong, I am inept at judging another's character and those who I think are my friends are just people that are out to get something out of me and not give anything back in return. I have been the type of person who goes back to the previous relationship and tries desperately to cling on to that person because they at least showed some sort of acceptance. However, it has become evident that the last person I was with was embarrassed by me, he tells everyone who will listen that we were never in a relationship, and now even my best friend has decided that my pain, and health is not relevant to him and has chosen to push me even further away. Since he has been here, he has been isolating himself, surrounds himself in a dark cloud of gloom and when I try to pull out of him what is bothering him, he talks me into circles and never opens up.
So not only am I a failure at love I am also a poor judge of character, and I don't do well interacting with others I can only assume. So from where I sit, my snap judgement to help my friend out of the situation he has found himself in, I am beginning to feel that I have yet again made a wrong turn and that this is going to end horribly. That everything that I hope and would like to do will be once again wasted on a person who doesn't even really give a shit about me.
What can I do to break this pattern of behavior, something that has been seriously ingrained in my psyche, and has ruled my life for the past 46 years. I know that I can't change that a person never truly ever changes, they might evolve into something better or more useful but the core personality and likes and dislikes is going to be there. Am I cursed to walk this path? Am I going to always walk this path alone? Yes and Yes are the answers. I don't think that I will ever find a way to break out of this cycle of behavior that I have created for myself, and it will be totally impossible for someone to walk with me and accept the turns and u-turns I have made in my life. For once again, I am trapped by my decision to help someone else and I don't think that they are truly ready to help themselves, so all the energy and work that I have been trying to put into them is just going to be wasted effort.
Hell, after the phone call tonight I may never see my friend again and that is going to be a real big problem for me and one that I will end up going to jail for. It would have been nice to hear thank you for taking my family around and helping out with things this weekend. But, it didn't happen and it won't. I really wasn't expecting to hear anything but it would have been nice to be acknowledged for the stuff that I have done and the accomplishments that I achieved.
So what can I say to you if your life like my life is full of wrong turns and u-turns you may have to re-evaluate your circumstances, possibly even break ties with everyone around you and just go somewhere new and start all over again. I tried to do that and once again the attempt tho valiant was also a dismal failure. Here I am in Daytona, and I am still doing and facing the same things that I did in Atlanta, the only difference is it is only one person and not many that have done it too me.
I believe that my guilt over our last parting made me feel a certain kind of way and I was trying to make up for what I did and said when I last saw my friend. It just doesn't seem like I will ever have the chance to try and rebuild what was broke. He has pulled so far away tonight that I am drifting once again, something I never ever hoped I would have to face again on my own.
Break that pattern before it breaks you. Because here I sit before you and I am broken, and I don't think that there will be anyway that I can pull myself back together. I have already given up on love, now I have given up on the entire concept of having friends. The main reason is because I keep getting hurt over and over and my heart has been broken by this in the latest series of events. I was already suffering from lower self-esteem, and self-worth because of how my ex just up and left and never came back.
Break the pattern before it breaks you. It becomes super hard to put yourself back together once you are broken, your spirit is weakened and your soul is bruised and your ego is hurt. I am not sure I am ever going to feel the same way about myself ever again. I doubt that my friend will ever know I wrote this, I don't think he reads my blog anyway. So the chances are he will never know how I am feeling tonight and how defeated I have become.
I hope this helps someone, it didn't spare my feelings and the hardship I am going through, but at least I was able to get off of my chest that which has hurt me.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label failure. Show all posts
Showing posts with label failure. Show all posts
Friday, March 20, 2015
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Leave it alone!
I know that I have talked to you extensively in 2012 about the past, but something has been in my spirit today and God has been telling me that I needed to put this back out there for someone. I am not sure who you are, but I am positive that God wants you to remember this simple fact.
So tonight I am going to talk to you about the past. See there is nothing you can do to change the past, what has happened cannot be changed no matter what you wish. I have to tell you that when you look back over your life, you are going to see so many things that you will want to change. But the secret here is that you can do nothing but change whatever it is inside of you that made you act that way. It was your actions, choices, deeds and who you hung around that influenced those actions that caused those mistakes. If you truly want to learn and change then you have to self reflect, you have to do some deep soul searching. The answer is right there inside of you. You have to change yourself, change your environment, change those that you associate with. In other words, if you are truly serious about change you need to start over, reinvent yourself. Take those pains and aches of the past and turn them around. Know that you can, you are the only one that has that power. Remember looking backwards is 20/20, you can see everything when you look backwards. Here is something that you might not realize, but the past starts right now, this very moment. You have to understand that everything up until this exact moment is your past. For we do not know what the next minute will bring, but because we are here and looking at this the present and the past must at some point must be one.
You cannot step forward, move into a new relationship or try anything new if you are carrying the baggage of your past with you. It will weigh you down and throw more stumbling blocks in your way at every turn. You have to accept the past and accept that you can do nothing about it. You may be able to learn from it and change the way you act if a similar situation comes your way. However, I have to tell you if you keep picking up that baggage no one is going to be able to handle all that you bring to the table. It will overwhelm those you are trying to start something with. So it is very important to forgive yourself and others so that you have the closure you need so that you can move on. Once you have closure you can drop those bags from the past that are weighing you down so heavily. Forgiveness is for you and you alone. Surrender your self-pity, and regain your self-esteem because you achieve balance by seeking knowledge. Truth and harmony are right there for you to pick up and take forward with you, but if your hands are full with your baggage of the past how can you pick up anything else?
You have to remember yesterday is dead and gone. You must deal with it as you do with all the things from your past, you must walk this walk alone. Remember that God is just a call away and will help take that burden off of your shoulders, but you have to be 100 percent honest with yourself and Him. Keep in mind that tomorrow has yet to begin and anticipate the journeys that may come to you on the new dawn. Adventure awaits the souls that are free, and who live in the moment. Time has no meaning now as the divine descends upon you. In the morning all things seem possible, there are no mistakes it is a clean new day. The slate has been cleansed and you get to start all over again. God will never ever give you more than you can handle. All the turmoil, adversity, hurt, and loss only serve to make you stronger. They give you hope for a new day and new start. Give thanks for the adversity that comes to you, because the next time you will have the knowledge and the strength to withstand it.
No one ever promised that life was easy. Who told you that you would only have a garden full of roses? If you had just roses the thorns would be so sharp that you wouldn't be able to enjoy them at all. But your garden is full of flowers, weeds, bees and so many other things. It is the variety and the spice that gives us adventure and life. Make the most of every day because they are a gift from God.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
So tonight I am going to talk to you about the past. See there is nothing you can do to change the past, what has happened cannot be changed no matter what you wish. I have to tell you that when you look back over your life, you are going to see so many things that you will want to change. But the secret here is that you can do nothing but change whatever it is inside of you that made you act that way. It was your actions, choices, deeds and who you hung around that influenced those actions that caused those mistakes. If you truly want to learn and change then you have to self reflect, you have to do some deep soul searching. The answer is right there inside of you. You have to change yourself, change your environment, change those that you associate with. In other words, if you are truly serious about change you need to start over, reinvent yourself. Take those pains and aches of the past and turn them around. Know that you can, you are the only one that has that power. Remember looking backwards is 20/20, you can see everything when you look backwards. Here is something that you might not realize, but the past starts right now, this very moment. You have to understand that everything up until this exact moment is your past. For we do not know what the next minute will bring, but because we are here and looking at this the present and the past must at some point must be one.
You cannot step forward, move into a new relationship or try anything new if you are carrying the baggage of your past with you. It will weigh you down and throw more stumbling blocks in your way at every turn. You have to accept the past and accept that you can do nothing about it. You may be able to learn from it and change the way you act if a similar situation comes your way. However, I have to tell you if you keep picking up that baggage no one is going to be able to handle all that you bring to the table. It will overwhelm those you are trying to start something with. So it is very important to forgive yourself and others so that you have the closure you need so that you can move on. Once you have closure you can drop those bags from the past that are weighing you down so heavily. Forgiveness is for you and you alone. Surrender your self-pity, and regain your self-esteem because you achieve balance by seeking knowledge. Truth and harmony are right there for you to pick up and take forward with you, but if your hands are full with your baggage of the past how can you pick up anything else?
You have to remember yesterday is dead and gone. You must deal with it as you do with all the things from your past, you must walk this walk alone. Remember that God is just a call away and will help take that burden off of your shoulders, but you have to be 100 percent honest with yourself and Him. Keep in mind that tomorrow has yet to begin and anticipate the journeys that may come to you on the new dawn. Adventure awaits the souls that are free, and who live in the moment. Time has no meaning now as the divine descends upon you. In the morning all things seem possible, there are no mistakes it is a clean new day. The slate has been cleansed and you get to start all over again. God will never ever give you more than you can handle. All the turmoil, adversity, hurt, and loss only serve to make you stronger. They give you hope for a new day and new start. Give thanks for the adversity that comes to you, because the next time you will have the knowledge and the strength to withstand it.
No one ever promised that life was easy. Who told you that you would only have a garden full of roses? If you had just roses the thorns would be so sharp that you wouldn't be able to enjoy them at all. But your garden is full of flowers, weeds, bees and so many other things. It is the variety and the spice that gives us adventure and life. Make the most of every day because they are a gift from God.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Thursday, March 12, 2015
I believe in miracles yes I do
Do you believe in miracles? I have to tell you that I do, I believe in big miracles as well as small miracles. See, when the sun rises in the morning I count that as a miracle and my eyes opening up to see the sun crest the horizon is a blessing. I see the bud's of the tree blossoming as a miracle, how the winter turns to spring as a miracle. You may not, but I do these are little miracles that happen around us, yet we are too busy to see them or notice them. Then there are the big OMG miracles. Like, when I had my aneurysm and I had all those many blood transfusions, I know it was an Angel that came to me and saved my life. Because there is no record of this nurse working on that floor or any other floor that very night and when I asked no one knew who she was or where she came from. Now, this is not the first time that I have had an intervention like that, but I sure hope it is the last.
I keep telling you that God's time is not our time, that He comes and does as He wills, yet He is always on time and never late. I have been told all my life that I was an Angel here on earth, that I was born to ease the suffering of others and you know what? That is exactly what I have been doing my entire life and never even knew it. My grandmother told me this the day she died. I didn't understand what she meant, but I do now. Most of you know me personally or have read my blog and know of me. I have walked a dark and lonely road, but a road of my own choosing. I chose to walk along the drug dealers, the addicts, the prostitutes, yet in all of that I never lost the sight in my Lord and Savior, and those who came to know me saw the light that show inside of me, and gravitated to the positive energy I have always displayed.
No matter the circumstances, I have always maintained a positive outlook and attitude for those around me to see. Very few people have ever seen me down for long, and if they have then they were very special people to me indeed. God has granted me patience and discernment, and a slight ability to prophesy, but the most important thing that God has given me is the ability to excel under stress and pressure. People that I used to work with at the State of Georgia used to call me a miracle worker and when I was in the Navy I could pull things together fast. I learned who my key resources were and I just utilized them to my benefit, and I still do some of that in limited form today in my current life.
But, most importantly I am happy to say that when my world got a little darker yesterday afternoon. I couldn't shake the nagging fear I was feeling nor could I get over the fact that I had been down this exact road not too very long ago, I wanted to bemoan and lament that it wasn't fair that I didn't want to do it again, and why me? But something most extraordinary happened this very evening as I was sitting here writing my first blog entry. I heard from someone who I had not thought I would ever hear from again. Someone I had once counted as a friend who I accidentally betrayed and sent away. It is sad but true we had parted on extremely bad terms, and I have had to deal with the guilt of that for almost 2 years. As he got out of my car he turned and he looked at me and told me that I wasn't acting very much like a best friend, with that he closed the door and left me and that was the last time I laid eyes on him. Yet, today a day when the world seemed to be crashing around my ears, the words that the doctors had told me yesterday were finally sinking in and I was feeling more and more like my life was spinning out of control my phone rang, and on the other end was the friend that I thought I had lost, and he was in trouble. He needed me and I realized that I needed him just as much.
Funny how God has done that to the two us, there have been several times in our past that we have needed each other. For years and years we had been there for each other and I let someone else into my life, and that person I don't know why or how colored my eyes against my friend and didn't want me to have anything to do with him. I got mad at the wrong person and I did things that I am not proud of at all. I turned my back on a friend, I didn't even listen to what he had to tell me. I made a snap and summary judgement because the person I was dating was trying to manipulate me and he did a good job. As a matter of fact he almost destroyed me, and he damn near killed my friendship with this person. Yet today when my mood was feeling low, and I was trying how I was going to handle all this knowledge that I had gotten from the doctor yesterday my phone rang and it was my friend Victory! He would kill me if he was here right now and saw the name that I have given him. But let me tell you something as far as I am concerned his is my Victory and my Triumph over this dread spirit that had come over me. I had just tried to get in touch with him over the past weekend and out of the clear blue sky, my phone rang and it was him. I am telling you it was a miracle, God knew what He was doing and He knew exactly who and what I needed to snap me out of this funk that was tangling me up in it's clutches.
I have to tell you that if ever 2 people needed each other it was the two of us. I had been feeling guilty about the past, and worried about the future. He was sitting in custody where he had been for 10 months, and he just tried my number after all of this time. Once I heard his voice and knew what he needed I didn't hesitate at all I sprang into action. Within 2 hours I had talked to his mom, and the bondsman and knew that I was going to get him out of jail. It would take me and his mom working together to pull this off but I knew what I was going to do before he even asked. I am waiting for him to be released now. I wish he was here, so I could honestly tell him thank you. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I think we have saved each other several times over the years, but today he saved me from my own worst enemy...myself!
I have to take a brief moment here and say "Thank you my Heavenly Father for bringing him back into my life, I am so glad that I was here to help when I was needed. You have sustained me and made it possible for all of these things to fall in place. I never knew why you brought Lonnie and Alicia into my life but now I do, You did it so I would know who to call and what to do when today came. Had it not been for the training and the ropes that those two put me through I would never have been able to accomplish everything that I did tonight. So thank you Lord for this training and blessing, I am sorry I have ever doubted that You. I should have known that You kept me here just for this very moment." Amen.
Moses wandered in the desert for 40 years and was humbled and trained to lead the children of Israel home from Egypt. I was held in place and kept from moving on so that I could be in this exact place at the moment that I was needed. There can be no other explanation, I had planned to move to PA and I have kept trying to get off of probation so I could go help my mother, yet something had tied me to Holly Hill and I haven't left yet. It was the Hand of God restraining me and keeping me till I was needed. I am thankful that I was here and that I was able to do my part. I needed to hear my friends voice today, and he needed me. So if you ask me that was definitely a miracle in and of itself.
So yes I believe in miracles, I believe that they happen around us everyday all day, and we are too wrapped up in ourselves and in our own lives that we miss them, but they are there if we just take some time and slow down long enough to appreciate them. I have to tell you that today is one of the happiest days of my life. It is not everyday that God grants you the ability to correct a wrong that you have committed against another person. It also isn't too often that things fall into the right place so that we are available to respond to another person's need. I am truly blessed that both of these things were available to me.
I have learned my lesson of that you can be sure, and I will never miss another miracle that comes my way, because I know what to look for now big and small.
I hope you do too.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
I keep telling you that God's time is not our time, that He comes and does as He wills, yet He is always on time and never late. I have been told all my life that I was an Angel here on earth, that I was born to ease the suffering of others and you know what? That is exactly what I have been doing my entire life and never even knew it. My grandmother told me this the day she died. I didn't understand what she meant, but I do now. Most of you know me personally or have read my blog and know of me. I have walked a dark and lonely road, but a road of my own choosing. I chose to walk along the drug dealers, the addicts, the prostitutes, yet in all of that I never lost the sight in my Lord and Savior, and those who came to know me saw the light that show inside of me, and gravitated to the positive energy I have always displayed.
No matter the circumstances, I have always maintained a positive outlook and attitude for those around me to see. Very few people have ever seen me down for long, and if they have then they were very special people to me indeed. God has granted me patience and discernment, and a slight ability to prophesy, but the most important thing that God has given me is the ability to excel under stress and pressure. People that I used to work with at the State of Georgia used to call me a miracle worker and when I was in the Navy I could pull things together fast. I learned who my key resources were and I just utilized them to my benefit, and I still do some of that in limited form today in my current life.
But, most importantly I am happy to say that when my world got a little darker yesterday afternoon. I couldn't shake the nagging fear I was feeling nor could I get over the fact that I had been down this exact road not too very long ago, I wanted to bemoan and lament that it wasn't fair that I didn't want to do it again, and why me? But something most extraordinary happened this very evening as I was sitting here writing my first blog entry. I heard from someone who I had not thought I would ever hear from again. Someone I had once counted as a friend who I accidentally betrayed and sent away. It is sad but true we had parted on extremely bad terms, and I have had to deal with the guilt of that for almost 2 years. As he got out of my car he turned and he looked at me and told me that I wasn't acting very much like a best friend, with that he closed the door and left me and that was the last time I laid eyes on him. Yet, today a day when the world seemed to be crashing around my ears, the words that the doctors had told me yesterday were finally sinking in and I was feeling more and more like my life was spinning out of control my phone rang, and on the other end was the friend that I thought I had lost, and he was in trouble. He needed me and I realized that I needed him just as much.
Funny how God has done that to the two us, there have been several times in our past that we have needed each other. For years and years we had been there for each other and I let someone else into my life, and that person I don't know why or how colored my eyes against my friend and didn't want me to have anything to do with him. I got mad at the wrong person and I did things that I am not proud of at all. I turned my back on a friend, I didn't even listen to what he had to tell me. I made a snap and summary judgement because the person I was dating was trying to manipulate me and he did a good job. As a matter of fact he almost destroyed me, and he damn near killed my friendship with this person. Yet today when my mood was feeling low, and I was trying how I was going to handle all this knowledge that I had gotten from the doctor yesterday my phone rang and it was my friend Victory! He would kill me if he was here right now and saw the name that I have given him. But let me tell you something as far as I am concerned his is my Victory and my Triumph over this dread spirit that had come over me. I had just tried to get in touch with him over the past weekend and out of the clear blue sky, my phone rang and it was him. I am telling you it was a miracle, God knew what He was doing and He knew exactly who and what I needed to snap me out of this funk that was tangling me up in it's clutches.
I have to tell you that if ever 2 people needed each other it was the two of us. I had been feeling guilty about the past, and worried about the future. He was sitting in custody where he had been for 10 months, and he just tried my number after all of this time. Once I heard his voice and knew what he needed I didn't hesitate at all I sprang into action. Within 2 hours I had talked to his mom, and the bondsman and knew that I was going to get him out of jail. It would take me and his mom working together to pull this off but I knew what I was going to do before he even asked. I am waiting for him to be released now. I wish he was here, so I could honestly tell him thank you. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I think we have saved each other several times over the years, but today he saved me from my own worst enemy...myself!
I have to take a brief moment here and say "Thank you my Heavenly Father for bringing him back into my life, I am so glad that I was here to help when I was needed. You have sustained me and made it possible for all of these things to fall in place. I never knew why you brought Lonnie and Alicia into my life but now I do, You did it so I would know who to call and what to do when today came. Had it not been for the training and the ropes that those two put me through I would never have been able to accomplish everything that I did tonight. So thank you Lord for this training and blessing, I am sorry I have ever doubted that You. I should have known that You kept me here just for this very moment." Amen.
Moses wandered in the desert for 40 years and was humbled and trained to lead the children of Israel home from Egypt. I was held in place and kept from moving on so that I could be in this exact place at the moment that I was needed. There can be no other explanation, I had planned to move to PA and I have kept trying to get off of probation so I could go help my mother, yet something had tied me to Holly Hill and I haven't left yet. It was the Hand of God restraining me and keeping me till I was needed. I am thankful that I was here and that I was able to do my part. I needed to hear my friends voice today, and he needed me. So if you ask me that was definitely a miracle in and of itself.
So yes I believe in miracles, I believe that they happen around us everyday all day, and we are too wrapped up in ourselves and in our own lives that we miss them, but they are there if we just take some time and slow down long enough to appreciate them. I have to tell you that today is one of the happiest days of my life. It is not everyday that God grants you the ability to correct a wrong that you have committed against another person. It also isn't too often that things fall into the right place so that we are available to respond to another person's need. I am truly blessed that both of these things were available to me.
I have learned my lesson of that you can be sure, and I will never miss another miracle that comes my way, because I know what to look for now big and small.
I hope you do too.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Alright God I am listening!
You have got my undivided attention. Reveal to me the lesson I am supposed to have learned, what am I to teach others from what I have been through? I need to know and understand why all of this is happening to me. It is the day before Thanksgiving, at 2 in the morning, it is still pouring and my heart is weeping with the tears of confusion and lack of understanding. Tomorrow is the day we are too give thanks for everything that has happened to us during the previous year and yet I am struggling to find one thing. To understand all that has transpired and be happy with all that has passed.
Dear readers, in order for you to understand my confusion and pain I will have to go back and tell you of my year and maybe as I recount the events that have happened too me, I will be able to glimpse or glean the message that I was supposed to have learned on this journey. Trust me you should probably sit yourself down for this narrative because it is a long one and starts at the very beginning of the year and is one in which I plan on telling you everything because somewhere there is a message I am sure of it.
Well, lets bring you all up to speed, then you will begin to see why I haven't written here in my blog very much at all this year at all. January my partner and I were in Atlanta visiting. He had wanted to go up there to check in with his probation officer. I decided to go with him, I was tired of chemotherapy and all the medical treatments and appointments I had been going through. What I didn't know was that trouble was waiting for us on this trip and was going to change my life in a drastic way forever.
Everything was going okay we arrived and checked into the hotel with absolutely no problems at all. I was tired but that was nothing new with the chemo that I was going through but we rushed into the hotel. I told him to bring in his weed from the car as we were carrying in the luggage, and he said "Naw just leave it there it is just a little bit and I will come down and get it later." Famous last words, we were in the hotel for 2 days and it remained in the car. But that day he decided that he was going to go out and get us something to eat, I had to do my chemo that evening and it always seemed to make me more sick if I didn't eat right before I did it. So he left the hotel, I was in the shower and I only had one bag of clothes we had left most of our other stuff in the car because we were going to change hotels the next day. This included the rest of my medications and all of my other medical supplies. I had no idea that disaster was about to strike and leave me in a very bad situation for the next 10 to 15 days.
What really happened that night I will never really know, all I am aware of at this time is that he was stopped and arrested, they had found the weed in the car and he was taken away with everything we owned. I waited and waited to hear from him. I finally got a call at 4 in the morning saying that he was arrested and that the car had been impounded. So early the next morning I called every towing company that the dekalb county police used and finally found the car. I called to see if I could get at least my stuff out of the car if not all of the stuff. I explained that my medication, clothes and computers were in the car and that I needed them due to my cancer and illness. I was told that if I could get a letter from the rental car company saying it was alright for the towing company to release the personal items too me I could come and get them. Well, the rental car company wouldn't budge and let me have my possessions because I wasn't on the rental agreement. This was the first time that he had rented the car solely in his name and because of that I was not given permission to get what I needed.
I was left in the hotel with no clothing, no medical supplies and very limited money because we were supposed be going home soon, we had already spent a week in the hotel and the plan was to leave that weekend and it was Wednesday when he got arrested. I had only enough money to stay in a hotel for 2 more days. Which is what I did, because I knew if he got out of jail he would know where to look for me and come back there. At this time I didn't know that the car had also been wrecked, either by him or during the towing process. All I know in the subsequent months since then that they have been coming after us to get payment for damages to the car in excess of what it was actually worth, and as of today I still do not have the belongings that were in the car.
Here I was in Atlanta pretty much stuck with no clothing, no ostomy supplies and no medication, and I knew that I wasn't supposed to stop the chemotherapy suddenly but what choice was there all the medication was locked up in the car and I had no way to get it out. I had no transportation and I was running out of money rapidly. Luckily I ran into an acquaintance, who was hanging out with one of my ex's. They were able to take me to my best friends house and I was able to stay there in safety till I could find a way home. The same acquaintance that took me to my best friend Chris's house offered to bring me back home to Florida if I paid for the gas. I agreed and we left now mind you by this time I had been staying at my friend's house for about 2 weeks, my ostomy appliance was falling off and my skin was burned from acid and erosion. My ex's mother came and took me to the VA hospital in Atlanta and they were able to fix me up with some temporary supplies till I could get home. My ex Sterling ended up in the hospital for several days during this time he had a massive urinary tract infection and got extremely sick. So as you can tell nothing particularly was going my way already.
But, Mike the acquaintance that Sterling was hanging with was true to his word and brought me back to Daytona. He also decided since he had no money to return right away to stay with me for a little while. i am extremely glad that he did, even though his presence was later to cause great harm and yet save my life at the same time. I was home 3 days when I had an aneurysm, if Mike hadn't gotten back to my apartment when he did and found me passed out in the bathroom bleeding all over the floor and called 911 I would have bled to death and died. I had lapsed into a coma for 4 days and ended up having 28 blood transfusions and 3 surgeries, I barely pulled through. I woke up to see my partner and Mike sitting next too me, it brought me strength and I was soon awake fully. However, while I was out Mike had gone to Atlanta and gotten my partner, who was released from jail. He also proceeded to get all of his belongings out of storage and bring them down to Daytona, along with almost a full ounce of Methamphetamines. During the 9 days I was in the hospital my partner and him started getting high and having sex with all kinds of people and bringing people into my apartment which got the neighbors all upset.
Once I found out I tried to put a stop to the problem but the damage was already done, my partner was totally lost to the drugs, he had been shooting up a lot more than him and I had ever done and he was on a binge that was going to tear us apart. Not even 3 weeks after my release from the hospital both my partner and Mike were back in Atlanta and I was left all alone. I came to find out that neither my partner or Mike had paid rent while I was in the hospital and they were both gone and I was 3 months behind in rent, utilities and cable. I talked to my dad about the situation and we both agreed that maybe I should try getting a girl roommate this time to help me get my bills caught up. That was the worst mistake I have ever made in my life because the girl that came in came with a lot of baggage and friends and I ended up getting robbed twice and losing all my possessions. But that wasn't the worst my neighbors didn't like her friends and kept calling the police on me saying that suspicious activity was happening in my apartment and so the police became involved with my life.
I ended up getting arrested on possession of paraphernalia charges 3 times, as a matter of fact I am still going through some of those legal procedures right now and hopefully will have them wrapped up before the holidays. I stayed in my apartment as long as I could my father and my step mother helped me out as much as they could to get caught up on the bills. But the damage was done, the neighbors and the police arrests got back to my landlord and I had to move from my home without any warning or notice due to suspicion and rumours. I was never arrested or charged with doing drugs, but everyone in the complex assumed or heard tale from one of the old women that lived there that I was a drug dealer and that I was doing and selling them out of my apartment. That is how my recovery from the aneurysm and summer went. On Memorial day weekend my back started hurting. It hurt so bad that I went to the E.R. an x-ray was taken but nothing abnormal showed up on the x-ray so they sent me home with some pain pills.
Let me digress for a minute or two here. I will never again sneeze or laugh at anyone who says that their back hurts, because I will tell you there is nothing like back pain, it is the worst kind of pain that you can experience because that is where are the nerves are and once it starts hurting your entire body feels the pain and you end up weak and not able to do even the smallest things. Well, on with the narrative, my back started hurting and I ended up in bed for almost 2 weeks doing only the absolute minimum to get by. Well from May till September I endured the pain in my back and it got progressively worse and worse. I ended up moving back in with my dad and step mom. I was here about 3 weeks when I finally had enough I had been to the emergency room 19 times and was continually told that there was nothing wrong other than a strain. Finally I got my primary care physician to look into it a lot closer. Now, you may be wondering why it took me so long to get my primary involved. Several factors actually, my dad telling me that I was faking it and that the pain was in my head, my ex coming back to get his clothes and not believing me that I was in pain and could barely drive and then my primary care doctor being out of the country for 2 1/2 months on some family business.
So finally, I ended up going to have an MRI and with just one pass of the machine, i was pulled out and wheeled into see the Radiologist. He asked me how I had gotten to the office to have the MRI and I told him that I had driven, he asked me if there was anyone who could come and get my car. I told him that my dad and step mother were in Ormond Beach. He wasted no time calling my father and telling him to come and get me and my car because I needed to be admitted to the hospital immediately I had a massive infection that was attacking my back and causing my vertebrae to collapse upon themselves and that if something was done to treat the infection I would be paralyzed in a matter of weeks. I was immediately taken to the hospital where I remained for 15 days and from there I was put into a nursing home and rehab center where I stayed for 3 months. Which brings me to the current.
I have been out of the nursing home a week and I have been doing okay. Though I have had back to back doctors appointments since I have gotten out of there. I have to tell you I have met with every doctor from neurologist to primary care, from surgeon to oncologist, even the neurosurgeon. I was given hope that I could possibly have surgery and alleviate or even eliminate the pain I have in my back. But, yestday was a day full of surprises. First some good news and then some not some good news. I found out that the tumors that I had removed on November 7th were benign and I will not have to go through additional chemotherapy. Remember that I had chemotherapy starting in October of last year that ran up till February of this year. So that at least is good news. The bad news comes from the neurosurgeon with whom I met this afternoon at 2 pm. It is unfortunate that he feels that he cannot operate to fix the hump in my back or do anything to alleviate the pain. According to him I will have to continue to endure this pain and walk with a cane or walker for perhaps the rest of my life. Now after speaking with my primary care physician last week I was under the impression that I would be able to go through a procedure called kyphoplasti. Kyphoplasti is a procedure that people who have osteoporosis can sometimes have the rebuilds you the vertebrae and would eliminate or at least alleviate some of the pain that I am going through. Upon research I had found cases where at least 3 levels of thoracic kyphoplasti have been performed successfully, unfortunately I would have to have 5 levels rebuilt and I was told in no uncertain terms that I would not survive the surgery and that he didn't even think him or any other surgeon would attempt to operate on me with my case history and surgical past.
I honestly didn't think that I could feel any worse from that news and situation but then here is how my day today went. I guess today was not supposed to be my day either. After the shock of hearing all my health news I went home and went to bed never once noticing til yesterday morning that my wallet and every piece of identification was gone. I had an appointment with my case manager to recertify my Ryan White funding for another 6 months when I noticed for the first time my wallet was missing. I have searched my room high and low and cannot find it. Further, it was pouring rain all day yesterday and as you now know I walk with a cane. My case manager to help me told me to bring the car up to the curb so my paperwork wouldn't get wet. She would run it out to the curb as I pulled up. Well alas a good idea but as she was coming to the car the folder gave out and every piece of paper fell in the downpour and was soaked. As you can well imagine my mood and depression deepened. I came home an immediately climbed in my bed. It is now 1:58 am and I am just getting up, and it is still raining. It is almost like the sky is responding to the flood of tears in my heart. I pray that God will give me the strength to push through these setbacks and gain an understanding of why He has chosen me to carry these health issues and what I am meant to learn/teach because I fear I have missed the point!
So there you have it. Almost dying, losing my home, my man, my credibility, my reputation, now my health and possibly my future of living a pain free existence as well as being dependent on walking aids to get around for the rest of my life. I need you Lord to explain to me what it is that I have missed, what is the lesson that I am expected to learn, what should I have gotten from this journey, the pain, the loss and where do I go from here?
I am remaining faithful as you commanded Job because I see how you rewarded him for his stalwartness and I trying to be the man that you need and want me to be. But I am struggling and grasping at things here. Please Lord talk to me. Make my way clear and give me the grace, guidance and strength that I need to gain this comprehension. I know that I am strong enough because you wouldn't have given me this burden if I wasn't. So I am asking you to have Mercy on Your child and grant me the wish of my heart. A joyful and happy Thanksgiving.
AMEN
Dear readers, in order for you to understand my confusion and pain I will have to go back and tell you of my year and maybe as I recount the events that have happened too me, I will be able to glimpse or glean the message that I was supposed to have learned on this journey. Trust me you should probably sit yourself down for this narrative because it is a long one and starts at the very beginning of the year and is one in which I plan on telling you everything because somewhere there is a message I am sure of it.
Well, lets bring you all up to speed, then you will begin to see why I haven't written here in my blog very much at all this year at all. January my partner and I were in Atlanta visiting. He had wanted to go up there to check in with his probation officer. I decided to go with him, I was tired of chemotherapy and all the medical treatments and appointments I had been going through. What I didn't know was that trouble was waiting for us on this trip and was going to change my life in a drastic way forever.
Everything was going okay we arrived and checked into the hotel with absolutely no problems at all. I was tired but that was nothing new with the chemo that I was going through but we rushed into the hotel. I told him to bring in his weed from the car as we were carrying in the luggage, and he said "Naw just leave it there it is just a little bit and I will come down and get it later." Famous last words, we were in the hotel for 2 days and it remained in the car. But that day he decided that he was going to go out and get us something to eat, I had to do my chemo that evening and it always seemed to make me more sick if I didn't eat right before I did it. So he left the hotel, I was in the shower and I only had one bag of clothes we had left most of our other stuff in the car because we were going to change hotels the next day. This included the rest of my medications and all of my other medical supplies. I had no idea that disaster was about to strike and leave me in a very bad situation for the next 10 to 15 days.
What really happened that night I will never really know, all I am aware of at this time is that he was stopped and arrested, they had found the weed in the car and he was taken away with everything we owned. I waited and waited to hear from him. I finally got a call at 4 in the morning saying that he was arrested and that the car had been impounded. So early the next morning I called every towing company that the dekalb county police used and finally found the car. I called to see if I could get at least my stuff out of the car if not all of the stuff. I explained that my medication, clothes and computers were in the car and that I needed them due to my cancer and illness. I was told that if I could get a letter from the rental car company saying it was alright for the towing company to release the personal items too me I could come and get them. Well, the rental car company wouldn't budge and let me have my possessions because I wasn't on the rental agreement. This was the first time that he had rented the car solely in his name and because of that I was not given permission to get what I needed.
I was left in the hotel with no clothing, no medical supplies and very limited money because we were supposed be going home soon, we had already spent a week in the hotel and the plan was to leave that weekend and it was Wednesday when he got arrested. I had only enough money to stay in a hotel for 2 more days. Which is what I did, because I knew if he got out of jail he would know where to look for me and come back there. At this time I didn't know that the car had also been wrecked, either by him or during the towing process. All I know in the subsequent months since then that they have been coming after us to get payment for damages to the car in excess of what it was actually worth, and as of today I still do not have the belongings that were in the car.
Here I was in Atlanta pretty much stuck with no clothing, no ostomy supplies and no medication, and I knew that I wasn't supposed to stop the chemotherapy suddenly but what choice was there all the medication was locked up in the car and I had no way to get it out. I had no transportation and I was running out of money rapidly. Luckily I ran into an acquaintance, who was hanging out with one of my ex's. They were able to take me to my best friends house and I was able to stay there in safety till I could find a way home. The same acquaintance that took me to my best friend Chris's house offered to bring me back home to Florida if I paid for the gas. I agreed and we left now mind you by this time I had been staying at my friend's house for about 2 weeks, my ostomy appliance was falling off and my skin was burned from acid and erosion. My ex's mother came and took me to the VA hospital in Atlanta and they were able to fix me up with some temporary supplies till I could get home. My ex Sterling ended up in the hospital for several days during this time he had a massive urinary tract infection and got extremely sick. So as you can tell nothing particularly was going my way already.
But, Mike the acquaintance that Sterling was hanging with was true to his word and brought me back to Daytona. He also decided since he had no money to return right away to stay with me for a little while. i am extremely glad that he did, even though his presence was later to cause great harm and yet save my life at the same time. I was home 3 days when I had an aneurysm, if Mike hadn't gotten back to my apartment when he did and found me passed out in the bathroom bleeding all over the floor and called 911 I would have bled to death and died. I had lapsed into a coma for 4 days and ended up having 28 blood transfusions and 3 surgeries, I barely pulled through. I woke up to see my partner and Mike sitting next too me, it brought me strength and I was soon awake fully. However, while I was out Mike had gone to Atlanta and gotten my partner, who was released from jail. He also proceeded to get all of his belongings out of storage and bring them down to Daytona, along with almost a full ounce of Methamphetamines. During the 9 days I was in the hospital my partner and him started getting high and having sex with all kinds of people and bringing people into my apartment which got the neighbors all upset.
Once I found out I tried to put a stop to the problem but the damage was already done, my partner was totally lost to the drugs, he had been shooting up a lot more than him and I had ever done and he was on a binge that was going to tear us apart. Not even 3 weeks after my release from the hospital both my partner and Mike were back in Atlanta and I was left all alone. I came to find out that neither my partner or Mike had paid rent while I was in the hospital and they were both gone and I was 3 months behind in rent, utilities and cable. I talked to my dad about the situation and we both agreed that maybe I should try getting a girl roommate this time to help me get my bills caught up. That was the worst mistake I have ever made in my life because the girl that came in came with a lot of baggage and friends and I ended up getting robbed twice and losing all my possessions. But that wasn't the worst my neighbors didn't like her friends and kept calling the police on me saying that suspicious activity was happening in my apartment and so the police became involved with my life.
I ended up getting arrested on possession of paraphernalia charges 3 times, as a matter of fact I am still going through some of those legal procedures right now and hopefully will have them wrapped up before the holidays. I stayed in my apartment as long as I could my father and my step mother helped me out as much as they could to get caught up on the bills. But the damage was done, the neighbors and the police arrests got back to my landlord and I had to move from my home without any warning or notice due to suspicion and rumours. I was never arrested or charged with doing drugs, but everyone in the complex assumed or heard tale from one of the old women that lived there that I was a drug dealer and that I was doing and selling them out of my apartment. That is how my recovery from the aneurysm and summer went. On Memorial day weekend my back started hurting. It hurt so bad that I went to the E.R. an x-ray was taken but nothing abnormal showed up on the x-ray so they sent me home with some pain pills.
Let me digress for a minute or two here. I will never again sneeze or laugh at anyone who says that their back hurts, because I will tell you there is nothing like back pain, it is the worst kind of pain that you can experience because that is where are the nerves are and once it starts hurting your entire body feels the pain and you end up weak and not able to do even the smallest things. Well, on with the narrative, my back started hurting and I ended up in bed for almost 2 weeks doing only the absolute minimum to get by. Well from May till September I endured the pain in my back and it got progressively worse and worse. I ended up moving back in with my dad and step mom. I was here about 3 weeks when I finally had enough I had been to the emergency room 19 times and was continually told that there was nothing wrong other than a strain. Finally I got my primary care physician to look into it a lot closer. Now, you may be wondering why it took me so long to get my primary involved. Several factors actually, my dad telling me that I was faking it and that the pain was in my head, my ex coming back to get his clothes and not believing me that I was in pain and could barely drive and then my primary care doctor being out of the country for 2 1/2 months on some family business.
So finally, I ended up going to have an MRI and with just one pass of the machine, i was pulled out and wheeled into see the Radiologist. He asked me how I had gotten to the office to have the MRI and I told him that I had driven, he asked me if there was anyone who could come and get my car. I told him that my dad and step mother were in Ormond Beach. He wasted no time calling my father and telling him to come and get me and my car because I needed to be admitted to the hospital immediately I had a massive infection that was attacking my back and causing my vertebrae to collapse upon themselves and that if something was done to treat the infection I would be paralyzed in a matter of weeks. I was immediately taken to the hospital where I remained for 15 days and from there I was put into a nursing home and rehab center where I stayed for 3 months. Which brings me to the current.
I have been out of the nursing home a week and I have been doing okay. Though I have had back to back doctors appointments since I have gotten out of there. I have to tell you I have met with every doctor from neurologist to primary care, from surgeon to oncologist, even the neurosurgeon. I was given hope that I could possibly have surgery and alleviate or even eliminate the pain I have in my back. But, yestday was a day full of surprises. First some good news and then some not some good news. I found out that the tumors that I had removed on November 7th were benign and I will not have to go through additional chemotherapy. Remember that I had chemotherapy starting in October of last year that ran up till February of this year. So that at least is good news. The bad news comes from the neurosurgeon with whom I met this afternoon at 2 pm. It is unfortunate that he feels that he cannot operate to fix the hump in my back or do anything to alleviate the pain. According to him I will have to continue to endure this pain and walk with a cane or walker for perhaps the rest of my life. Now after speaking with my primary care physician last week I was under the impression that I would be able to go through a procedure called kyphoplasti. Kyphoplasti is a procedure that people who have osteoporosis can sometimes have the rebuilds you the vertebrae and would eliminate or at least alleviate some of the pain that I am going through. Upon research I had found cases where at least 3 levels of thoracic kyphoplasti have been performed successfully, unfortunately I would have to have 5 levels rebuilt and I was told in no uncertain terms that I would not survive the surgery and that he didn't even think him or any other surgeon would attempt to operate on me with my case history and surgical past.
I honestly didn't think that I could feel any worse from that news and situation but then here is how my day today went. I guess today was not supposed to be my day either. After the shock of hearing all my health news I went home and went to bed never once noticing til yesterday morning that my wallet and every piece of identification was gone. I had an appointment with my case manager to recertify my Ryan White funding for another 6 months when I noticed for the first time my wallet was missing. I have searched my room high and low and cannot find it. Further, it was pouring rain all day yesterday and as you now know I walk with a cane. My case manager to help me told me to bring the car up to the curb so my paperwork wouldn't get wet. She would run it out to the curb as I pulled up. Well alas a good idea but as she was coming to the car the folder gave out and every piece of paper fell in the downpour and was soaked. As you can well imagine my mood and depression deepened. I came home an immediately climbed in my bed. It is now 1:58 am and I am just getting up, and it is still raining. It is almost like the sky is responding to the flood of tears in my heart. I pray that God will give me the strength to push through these setbacks and gain an understanding of why He has chosen me to carry these health issues and what I am meant to learn/teach because I fear I have missed the point!
So there you have it. Almost dying, losing my home, my man, my credibility, my reputation, now my health and possibly my future of living a pain free existence as well as being dependent on walking aids to get around for the rest of my life. I need you Lord to explain to me what it is that I have missed, what is the lesson that I am expected to learn, what should I have gotten from this journey, the pain, the loss and where do I go from here?
I am remaining faithful as you commanded Job because I see how you rewarded him for his stalwartness and I trying to be the man that you need and want me to be. But I am struggling and grasping at things here. Please Lord talk to me. Make my way clear and give me the grace, guidance and strength that I need to gain this comprehension. I know that I am strong enough because you wouldn't have given me this burden if I wasn't. So I am asking you to have Mercy on Your child and grant me the wish of my heart. A joyful and happy Thanksgiving.
AMEN
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Trouble comes around when you least expect it.
Today was a busy day for me I ran around trying to get my finances in order because I have a ticket to pay in Atlanta for my little excursion that turned out to be a nightmare. I had called the court last week and found out that the ticket was going to cost $194.40 for stopping in the road way. The officer was trying to find drugs in the car but since he couldn't do that he decided to give me a ticket anyway. Well, I got the money together because when I talked to the court last week they told me that I could pay it via the automated system. However tonight when I called the automated system it tells me that there are two tickets out there and that I needed to appear in court. So I went online to see if I could pay it via their website and what I found out is that there are two tickets issued one back in 2007 and then one I got in 2012. Now, the ticket in 2007 is not mine at all. The tag numbers don't match and the "party" field shows unknown. This is very frustrating for me because I finally got all my ducks in a row so that I could take care of this and get myself ahead of the game.
Keep in mind that when I got a hold of the clerk of the court in Atlanta, I was told that I specifically had to pay the ticket before my court date or they would suspend my license. I explained that I didn't live there and that there was no way that I could appear in court and I was trying to get an extension, she told me that I needed to write a letter to the judge asking for a reset of the court date because I couldn't appear. Now, I am not sure what I am supposed to do at this point, because even if I left now I would be stretching my finances so thin that I probably would end up getting stranded up there again. I cannot afford to have that happen, the last time I went up there I got stranded and my health suffered and I ended up in the hospital 4 times total. Honestly, I can't and don't want to go through all of that again. Even though a part of me would like to go up there and try and find my friend Tony, but I don't even have a clue where to look for him at the moment and I am not sure he would even come back with me if I did find him.
Besides which I have an appointment with the doctors tomorrow to discuss the referrals I need to see the GI specialist and neurologist. It seems that I am having a residual problem with my left leg from the drain that they removed from my back a week ago, when they went in and drained the cyst that had formed. I knew that Saturday when he pulled the drain out that he had hurt the nerve. I was told that it would bother me for a short period of time, but the pain has gotten a lot worse today. I am thinking that it is because of the weather. See I have had problems all my life when the barometric pressure drops because I had a fractured skull when I was born. Then when I was going through chemotherapy in the 90's they infiltrated the vein and the tissue on my right arm got damaged. It would turn black when the storms would come and I would get terrible migraines. Today a storm rolled in and my leg started hurting and my arm was sore as well, and on top of that I had a terrible migraine that lasted the whole day.
I wasn't prepared for having all of the pain on top of all the drama that has ensued. I even went by work today to pick up the check that they owed me for the deposit I paid to stay in the hotel that my company manages. I didn't stay there at all because last Friday they told me that I would have to pay a $200.00 deposit and I didn't have the extra money to come up with that. That was drama filled as well because just earlier on Friday I was told that I wouldn't have to pay a deposit because I worked for the company. I guess they knew that they were going to fire me on Friday, because the deal was there would be no deposit as long as I worked for them. In hindsight I guess I should have figured it out, but I was so excited about finally finding a place of my own that I could afford, and a person who was willing to work with me and knows my situation.
I have come to expect that when good things happen in my life they are always tempered with bad things. See this past weekend was so filled with blessings and good things that I should have known that bad things were just around the corner. However, there is no warning when bad things are looming. The good thing is this we are promised that we will never be given more than we can bear, God knows what our limitations are and will ensure that we have the strength to endure. Remember that every time a problem or crisis hits us there is a lesson somewhere in there to be learned. I want you to keep in mind that each of has our own trials and crisis's that we have bear it is how we rise up and deal with each of them that defines us and gives us the strength for the next one that is coming. Just like land storms come and go, they rage and blow, cause damage, but they always move on they never last forever. Problems are the same way. Remember that no problems is ever as permanent as the solution. How you look at the issue or situation also plays a major role in how long it will endure. I have told you over and over again that perception plays a vital part, and if we over analyze a situation too much we have a tendency to make it form a molehill into a mountain. Once it becomes a mountain, we fret and worry that there will be no way to surmount it. I am here to tell you that you can and will make it to the summit and down the other side. Keep on keeping on.
Have faith that when a storm of problems arise that there is something that you are supposed to be looking for a hidden lesson that you need to learn and grow from. This will keep you from dwelling on the actual event and keep your eyes looking forward, and your momentum will be steady. Before you know it you will have sailed right through to the other side of the issue and it has been resolved. I was talking to my best friend last night and was telling him this exact same thing. Nothing can hold us back if we just keep focus on the situations surroundings and deal with the issues as they arise. I call this plodding along, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and before you know it you will have made it through that issue or crisis and will be heading toward the next one. On Facebook I posted "It appears that I have entered the storm...Wonder what new direction God has planned for me now. A new adventure and journey lie beyond the storm. I can see a break in the clouds, ready boys weigh anchor, set sail and let's go...I am ready for this change." I am confident that I am going to get through this time. I can see a break in the clouds and I know that there is sun and warmth on the horizon.
As I have told you before we never know when trouble is going to pop up, we actually are given very little warning. The reason for this is that everything we have been through in the past is supposed to prepare us for what is coming next. Yet, there are times when something we have never experienced or encountered before creeps up on us and we are taken totally by surprise. We honestly have no idea how to approach or handle the situation. I believe this is the time when God will send us a person we need that will help us manage the problem. See I believe that every person that is brought into your life is there for a reason, some of the time we encounter someone who can teach us something that we don't know about ourselves or life. Other times there is someone that is brought into our lives because we are meant to teach them something. Whatever the case maybe keep your eyes and ears open, your help is already there and you just don't even know it yet. We are never thrown totally into a situation unprepared or where a way out hasn't been provided us. We just have to look around and change our perspective to see the answer and the solution or to find the one that was there to be our support through the problem.
Like I said everyone comes into our lives for a reason and are there for their allotted time before they move on. There is a third type of person that comes into our lives that may always be there. They are our confidants, our best friends, they can be our teacher sometimes, they can be our student sometimes as well, but they are always there as an ear to talk to a person to depend on and a shoulder to rest upon. These are the most precious of people in our lives and they form a very unique support network. They are going to be there with you through thick and thin and will always have your back. They are the ones you can trust and count on when everyone else has failed you. These are the ones that you must take care of and be sure that you nurture and tend to that friendship they are rare indeed.
As for my problems, they are minor, I know that I will make it through them with only a little of muss and fuss. I know that there has been some kind of mistake on the court's side in Atlanta and in the morning I will get it taken care of. As far as the job is concerned I will do whatever it is that I have to do to make it all work out. Nothing is impossible in this world if we only strive for perfection one day at a time. Keep that in mind and take it with you. You will see that what I am saying is the truth. But as I get ready to close this out I want to leave you with one thing more. I know I mentioned what seems like ages ago, but Salt n Pepa told us in a song, "Whatever the mind can conceive and believe you will achieve". With that I am going to say good night. Remember positive thoughts bring positive energy. Keep your chin up because this too shall pass! Like it always does and you are going to be that much stronger for it.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Keep in mind that when I got a hold of the clerk of the court in Atlanta, I was told that I specifically had to pay the ticket before my court date or they would suspend my license. I explained that I didn't live there and that there was no way that I could appear in court and I was trying to get an extension, she told me that I needed to write a letter to the judge asking for a reset of the court date because I couldn't appear. Now, I am not sure what I am supposed to do at this point, because even if I left now I would be stretching my finances so thin that I probably would end up getting stranded up there again. I cannot afford to have that happen, the last time I went up there I got stranded and my health suffered and I ended up in the hospital 4 times total. Honestly, I can't and don't want to go through all of that again. Even though a part of me would like to go up there and try and find my friend Tony, but I don't even have a clue where to look for him at the moment and I am not sure he would even come back with me if I did find him.
Besides which I have an appointment with the doctors tomorrow to discuss the referrals I need to see the GI specialist and neurologist. It seems that I am having a residual problem with my left leg from the drain that they removed from my back a week ago, when they went in and drained the cyst that had formed. I knew that Saturday when he pulled the drain out that he had hurt the nerve. I was told that it would bother me for a short period of time, but the pain has gotten a lot worse today. I am thinking that it is because of the weather. See I have had problems all my life when the barometric pressure drops because I had a fractured skull when I was born. Then when I was going through chemotherapy in the 90's they infiltrated the vein and the tissue on my right arm got damaged. It would turn black when the storms would come and I would get terrible migraines. Today a storm rolled in and my leg started hurting and my arm was sore as well, and on top of that I had a terrible migraine that lasted the whole day.
I wasn't prepared for having all of the pain on top of all the drama that has ensued. I even went by work today to pick up the check that they owed me for the deposit I paid to stay in the hotel that my company manages. I didn't stay there at all because last Friday they told me that I would have to pay a $200.00 deposit and I didn't have the extra money to come up with that. That was drama filled as well because just earlier on Friday I was told that I wouldn't have to pay a deposit because I worked for the company. I guess they knew that they were going to fire me on Friday, because the deal was there would be no deposit as long as I worked for them. In hindsight I guess I should have figured it out, but I was so excited about finally finding a place of my own that I could afford, and a person who was willing to work with me and knows my situation.
I have come to expect that when good things happen in my life they are always tempered with bad things. See this past weekend was so filled with blessings and good things that I should have known that bad things were just around the corner. However, there is no warning when bad things are looming. The good thing is this we are promised that we will never be given more than we can bear, God knows what our limitations are and will ensure that we have the strength to endure. Remember that every time a problem or crisis hits us there is a lesson somewhere in there to be learned. I want you to keep in mind that each of has our own trials and crisis's that we have bear it is how we rise up and deal with each of them that defines us and gives us the strength for the next one that is coming. Just like land storms come and go, they rage and blow, cause damage, but they always move on they never last forever. Problems are the same way. Remember that no problems is ever as permanent as the solution. How you look at the issue or situation also plays a major role in how long it will endure. I have told you over and over again that perception plays a vital part, and if we over analyze a situation too much we have a tendency to make it form a molehill into a mountain. Once it becomes a mountain, we fret and worry that there will be no way to surmount it. I am here to tell you that you can and will make it to the summit and down the other side. Keep on keeping on.
Have faith that when a storm of problems arise that there is something that you are supposed to be looking for a hidden lesson that you need to learn and grow from. This will keep you from dwelling on the actual event and keep your eyes looking forward, and your momentum will be steady. Before you know it you will have sailed right through to the other side of the issue and it has been resolved. I was talking to my best friend last night and was telling him this exact same thing. Nothing can hold us back if we just keep focus on the situations surroundings and deal with the issues as they arise. I call this plodding along, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and before you know it you will have made it through that issue or crisis and will be heading toward the next one. On Facebook I posted "It appears that I have entered the storm...Wonder what new direction God has planned for me now. A new adventure and journey lie beyond the storm. I can see a break in the clouds, ready boys weigh anchor, set sail and let's go...I am ready for this change." I am confident that I am going to get through this time. I can see a break in the clouds and I know that there is sun and warmth on the horizon.
As I have told you before we never know when trouble is going to pop up, we actually are given very little warning. The reason for this is that everything we have been through in the past is supposed to prepare us for what is coming next. Yet, there are times when something we have never experienced or encountered before creeps up on us and we are taken totally by surprise. We honestly have no idea how to approach or handle the situation. I believe this is the time when God will send us a person we need that will help us manage the problem. See I believe that every person that is brought into your life is there for a reason, some of the time we encounter someone who can teach us something that we don't know about ourselves or life. Other times there is someone that is brought into our lives because we are meant to teach them something. Whatever the case maybe keep your eyes and ears open, your help is already there and you just don't even know it yet. We are never thrown totally into a situation unprepared or where a way out hasn't been provided us. We just have to look around and change our perspective to see the answer and the solution or to find the one that was there to be our support through the problem.
Like I said everyone comes into our lives for a reason and are there for their allotted time before they move on. There is a third type of person that comes into our lives that may always be there. They are our confidants, our best friends, they can be our teacher sometimes, they can be our student sometimes as well, but they are always there as an ear to talk to a person to depend on and a shoulder to rest upon. These are the most precious of people in our lives and they form a very unique support network. They are going to be there with you through thick and thin and will always have your back. They are the ones you can trust and count on when everyone else has failed you. These are the ones that you must take care of and be sure that you nurture and tend to that friendship they are rare indeed.
As for my problems, they are minor, I know that I will make it through them with only a little of muss and fuss. I know that there has been some kind of mistake on the court's side in Atlanta and in the morning I will get it taken care of. As far as the job is concerned I will do whatever it is that I have to do to make it all work out. Nothing is impossible in this world if we only strive for perfection one day at a time. Keep that in mind and take it with you. You will see that what I am saying is the truth. But as I get ready to close this out I want to leave you with one thing more. I know I mentioned what seems like ages ago, but Salt n Pepa told us in a song, "Whatever the mind can conceive and believe you will achieve". With that I am going to say good night. Remember positive thoughts bring positive energy. Keep your chin up because this too shall pass! Like it always does and you are going to be that much stronger for it.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Don't ask me Why?
My heart's so sad that I could cry
And I'm not sure if I want to live or die.
A careless word from your lips smashed me like a fly.
One soft kiss would lift me so high
I left my past so high and dry
so I could live and never lie
how hard would it be for you to try?
oh why can't we see eye to eye?
You never stopped to ask me why?
Do I want to live or die?
All I know is that I don't want to say good-bye
When I said I was fine couldn't you hear the lie?
you asked me once again to try
I opened up and started to fly,
I was atop the world so high.
Only to cling to hope and watch it die.
Don't ask me why we live to die.
All I know is I've got to try,
to win you over to my side and whisper softly a lullaby
that will make things right for you and I
Don't you want to go higher than the sky?
Don't you see our loves dangling from this tiny wire please stop yourself and ask why?
You are ready to throw away our love like a die.
Don't kid yourself with another lie
you have to let it go that past of yours, in order to give it another try.
You told me that you wanted my ???
was it attention? why?
if all we are going to do is walk back into that pig-sty.
Don't ask me why I cannot cry.
I broke down my walls surrendered to you my personal "I"
No longer me but we alone to live or die.
Is what I thought! Was that a lie?
How can I feel so low when I was so high
Where do we go now? For another try?
I am not sure I can take this pain, if we fail I will die
You are my world, my light, my life, you know why?
Because you said it was me that made you fly!
So why?
Do you want it to die?
You haven't told a lie
but never really said why!
Do I give you another try?
Or should I sit and cry?
Never to understand why,
I wasn't enough to be your high!
My lips so soft and dry
as I kissed you and looked in your eye
I knew right then my soul would die
my heart so crushed it couldn't cry
Oh how I wish that I could die
you couldn't leave your past behind it was your tie
to hold you back from me oh my.
I guess this really is good-bye
Didn't I say don't ask me why?
I wanted to live or die.
Don't ask me why we cannot fly
Don't ask me why? I cannot believe another Lie,
I guess this is how true love comes to die! ~ b
As you read this I tried very hard to use the same words over and over again to paint a picture of longing and sadness. A part of this I was feeling tonight, but only a part. This was not truly aimed at anyone, but it does beg to ask the question why is it so hard to leave our past behind and start over? I hope it prompts some of you to think about the decisions you make, how they affect those around you, and to honestly look at your past and leave it where it is.
Tomorrow's blog is going to be about just that the past..
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
And I'm not sure if I want to live or die.
A careless word from your lips smashed me like a fly.
One soft kiss would lift me so high
I left my past so high and dry
so I could live and never lie
how hard would it be for you to try?
oh why can't we see eye to eye?
You never stopped to ask me why?
Do I want to live or die?
All I know is that I don't want to say good-bye
When I said I was fine couldn't you hear the lie?
you asked me once again to try
I opened up and started to fly,
I was atop the world so high.
Only to cling to hope and watch it die.
Don't ask me why we live to die.
All I know is I've got to try,
to win you over to my side and whisper softly a lullaby
that will make things right for you and I
Don't you want to go higher than the sky?
Don't you see our loves dangling from this tiny wire please stop yourself and ask why?
You are ready to throw away our love like a die.
Don't kid yourself with another lie
you have to let it go that past of yours, in order to give it another try.
You told me that you wanted my ???
was it attention? why?
if all we are going to do is walk back into that pig-sty.
Don't ask me why I cannot cry.
I broke down my walls surrendered to you my personal "I"
No longer me but we alone to live or die.
Is what I thought! Was that a lie?
How can I feel so low when I was so high
Where do we go now? For another try?
I am not sure I can take this pain, if we fail I will die
You are my world, my light, my life, you know why?
Because you said it was me that made you fly!
So why?
Do you want it to die?
You haven't told a lie
but never really said why!
Do I give you another try?
Or should I sit and cry?
Never to understand why,
I wasn't enough to be your high!
My lips so soft and dry
as I kissed you and looked in your eye
I knew right then my soul would die
my heart so crushed it couldn't cry
Oh how I wish that I could die
you couldn't leave your past behind it was your tie
to hold you back from me oh my.
I guess this really is good-bye
Didn't I say don't ask me why?
I wanted to live or die.
Don't ask me why we cannot fly
Don't ask me why? I cannot believe another Lie,
I guess this is how true love comes to die! ~ b
As you read this I tried very hard to use the same words over and over again to paint a picture of longing and sadness. A part of this I was feeling tonight, but only a part. This was not truly aimed at anyone, but it does beg to ask the question why is it so hard to leave our past behind and start over? I hope it prompts some of you to think about the decisions you make, how they affect those around you, and to honestly look at your past and leave it where it is.
Tomorrow's blog is going to be about just that the past..
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Please keep in mind, you are very special
Last night a friend of mine posted on Facebook would anyone care if he just checked out of life and disappeared never to be heard from again. This hit me pretty hard, because as you know I have been through so many things and I have at one time or another gotten to the point where I had wanted to throw in the towel. I know exactly how he was feeling, been there, done that and wear the t-shirt to prove it. You may not realize how your loss might affect those around you, those that know you and care about you. Sometimes people look at you and are inspired to try harder for themselves because they look at you and see a person who works hard and is successful. Because to one person you might be even if you don't think so yourself.
I know how easy it is to look at your life and weigh it against your dreams and feel that you have fallen short. How you can look in the mirror and see yourself as a failure, feeling despondent because you had imagined yourself being so much further ahead than you are. I know how easy it is to look at your friends and feel a certain way because they seem to have made it to the place where you thought you would be and you envy them. How depression can creep in and make you feel so much worse about your situation and how your frustrations builds, and you get angry and despondent, wishing that things could be different. Then you mind starts going through the should haves and the could haves and you start to think that your life has been a sham and a waste. Stop it! Look around you, weigh in the accomplishment you have made, the obstacles you have overcome and who you have in your life. Because, someone out there is looking at you and is just as envious of you and what you have as you are of others.
It is never too late for you to start over again, to do something different, to achieve something. Further, if you really think about it there is always someone out there that is worse off then you. The trick is to stop beating yourself up over your perceived failures, stop being so hard on yourself and down playing your accomplishments. You are still here and continue to try, and that alone is something worth being proud of. You may never know who is looking at you, drawing strength from your life, and looking up to you as a role model. You could be totally unaware of how much of an inspiration you are to someone else, because you are too busy feeling sorry for yourself and lack of accomplishments. There are people in your life that love you and respect you, and your loss would devastate them.
Think back to the movie "It's a Wonderful Life" starring Jimmy Stewart and remember the revelation he found out when the angle came to him and granted him the wish that he had never been alive, so many things were different and so many peoples lives were utterly changed and not for the better just because he had never been born. The same goes for you! You can't possibly know how many times your smile, or a simple act of kindness that you displayed had changed someone's life or made a difference in some incalculable way. There is no random or chance encounters, people come into each of our lives for a reason, and they are there until it is there time to move on. Some come in and last a lifetime others are just there for a small duration. You may be struggling now, but someone close to you may have been through a similar situation and you might benefit from their experience and vice-versa. Each of us has lessons to learn and stuff to teach, but we cannot do it if we get ourselves mired down in self-pity and regret.
No matter how you feel about yourself now, or where you stand on your journey. I know that each of us at some point or another thinks we have failed or are a failure. But here is the thing to keep in mind, who could have done it any better? Look at what you had to come through, what obstacles and illnesses and tragedies you have braved and you are still going strong. Take pride in your accomplishments, be grateful for what you have, seek the happiness within yourself. When you can do that you are going to find that you are a very prosperous individual, and should be content with where you are at because maybe if you were further along, you might have missed a key aspect of your life that defines you. Also keep in mind that there is no one else in the world quite like you. No one has your experiences, has made the choices you have made for the reasons you have made them, no one can understand the consequences and rewards you have endured on your journey. Remind yourself of those you have helped along the way to realize their dreams, given them shelter, food, clothing or whatever. Trust me when I tell you that you are one of a kind, an original, you are a master-piece, a great work of art, made beautiful by your struggles and your understanding that you have gained along the way. This makes you totally unique, and guess what unique things can never be replaced, they are precious and invaluable, and that is you!
Life is full of special moments, and sometimes we are so busy we miss them, or we let them pass us by because we didn't recognize them. Whatever the case is, take the time and make some moments special on your own. Celebrate things that you normally wouldn't, give gifts or be spontaneous, whatever, just wake yourself up and look at what you have done and come through, you will be amazed! And when you find yourself at a dead end with no seeming exit, every door is closed to you, then by all means open a window, make your own path, start a new adventure, because life is precious and short, and you owe it to yourself to make yourself happy. Forget about what everyone else is doing and don't give a damn about what they think, because guess what are they paying your bills? Are they doing all they can to give you the world on a silver platter? I don't think so! Therefore their opinion doesn't amount to shit, and as I have said before only you can make yourself happy, only you can do for you, because in the long run, everybody is just looking out for themselves.
So, when that depression strikes and wraps around your heart and tries to make you think that you are such a failure, that you haven't accomplished anything, and that you aren't anywhere where you thought you should be. Pull back, take a break and look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself. " I am special, I have come through much, I have so much and I am unique and irreplaceable." Trust me you tell yourself enough, you will start to believe it. Because it is the truth, no one can replace you, no one can do what you have done, and no one will help as many people as you have. You are blessed and loved by your family, friends and all who know you. God has blessed you and will keep blessing you each and every day of your life. Give thanks for the little things you accomplish, don't sweat the small stuff in life that you cannot control, and above all love yourself enough to pat yourself on the back and give yourself a compliment for a job well done.
Remember what my grandfather told me so long ago. "A man leaves his mark on this world not by how much money he has or how many houses, or material possessions, but by how many life's he has touched, how many people he has helped, and those that remember him when he is gone. Your works will speak for themselves and those you have helped will know what you have done for them and remember you for your kindness and generosity, they will be your testimony and tribute to the world." There is always someone watching you, finding hope and inspiration from you, looking up to you and trying to be like you whether you know it or not. So yes you are special, in so many ways. Never ever think about giving up and throwing in the towel, because there are so many people believing in you and counting on you. You just can't see them all.
I hope you truly understand that you are loved and blessed. You will never be forgotten and your works and deed will certainly outlive you.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
I know how easy it is to look at your life and weigh it against your dreams and feel that you have fallen short. How you can look in the mirror and see yourself as a failure, feeling despondent because you had imagined yourself being so much further ahead than you are. I know how easy it is to look at your friends and feel a certain way because they seem to have made it to the place where you thought you would be and you envy them. How depression can creep in and make you feel so much worse about your situation and how your frustrations builds, and you get angry and despondent, wishing that things could be different. Then you mind starts going through the should haves and the could haves and you start to think that your life has been a sham and a waste. Stop it! Look around you, weigh in the accomplishment you have made, the obstacles you have overcome and who you have in your life. Because, someone out there is looking at you and is just as envious of you and what you have as you are of others.
It is never too late for you to start over again, to do something different, to achieve something. Further, if you really think about it there is always someone out there that is worse off then you. The trick is to stop beating yourself up over your perceived failures, stop being so hard on yourself and down playing your accomplishments. You are still here and continue to try, and that alone is something worth being proud of. You may never know who is looking at you, drawing strength from your life, and looking up to you as a role model. You could be totally unaware of how much of an inspiration you are to someone else, because you are too busy feeling sorry for yourself and lack of accomplishments. There are people in your life that love you and respect you, and your loss would devastate them.
Think back to the movie "It's a Wonderful Life" starring Jimmy Stewart and remember the revelation he found out when the angle came to him and granted him the wish that he had never been alive, so many things were different and so many peoples lives were utterly changed and not for the better just because he had never been born. The same goes for you! You can't possibly know how many times your smile, or a simple act of kindness that you displayed had changed someone's life or made a difference in some incalculable way. There is no random or chance encounters, people come into each of our lives for a reason, and they are there until it is there time to move on. Some come in and last a lifetime others are just there for a small duration. You may be struggling now, but someone close to you may have been through a similar situation and you might benefit from their experience and vice-versa. Each of us has lessons to learn and stuff to teach, but we cannot do it if we get ourselves mired down in self-pity and regret.
No matter how you feel about yourself now, or where you stand on your journey. I know that each of us at some point or another thinks we have failed or are a failure. But here is the thing to keep in mind, who could have done it any better? Look at what you had to come through, what obstacles and illnesses and tragedies you have braved and you are still going strong. Take pride in your accomplishments, be grateful for what you have, seek the happiness within yourself. When you can do that you are going to find that you are a very prosperous individual, and should be content with where you are at because maybe if you were further along, you might have missed a key aspect of your life that defines you. Also keep in mind that there is no one else in the world quite like you. No one has your experiences, has made the choices you have made for the reasons you have made them, no one can understand the consequences and rewards you have endured on your journey. Remind yourself of those you have helped along the way to realize their dreams, given them shelter, food, clothing or whatever. Trust me when I tell you that you are one of a kind, an original, you are a master-piece, a great work of art, made beautiful by your struggles and your understanding that you have gained along the way. This makes you totally unique, and guess what unique things can never be replaced, they are precious and invaluable, and that is you!
Life is full of special moments, and sometimes we are so busy we miss them, or we let them pass us by because we didn't recognize them. Whatever the case is, take the time and make some moments special on your own. Celebrate things that you normally wouldn't, give gifts or be spontaneous, whatever, just wake yourself up and look at what you have done and come through, you will be amazed! And when you find yourself at a dead end with no seeming exit, every door is closed to you, then by all means open a window, make your own path, start a new adventure, because life is precious and short, and you owe it to yourself to make yourself happy. Forget about what everyone else is doing and don't give a damn about what they think, because guess what are they paying your bills? Are they doing all they can to give you the world on a silver platter? I don't think so! Therefore their opinion doesn't amount to shit, and as I have said before only you can make yourself happy, only you can do for you, because in the long run, everybody is just looking out for themselves.
So, when that depression strikes and wraps around your heart and tries to make you think that you are such a failure, that you haven't accomplished anything, and that you aren't anywhere where you thought you should be. Pull back, take a break and look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself. " I am special, I have come through much, I have so much and I am unique and irreplaceable." Trust me you tell yourself enough, you will start to believe it. Because it is the truth, no one can replace you, no one can do what you have done, and no one will help as many people as you have. You are blessed and loved by your family, friends and all who know you. God has blessed you and will keep blessing you each and every day of your life. Give thanks for the little things you accomplish, don't sweat the small stuff in life that you cannot control, and above all love yourself enough to pat yourself on the back and give yourself a compliment for a job well done.
Remember what my grandfather told me so long ago. "A man leaves his mark on this world not by how much money he has or how many houses, or material possessions, but by how many life's he has touched, how many people he has helped, and those that remember him when he is gone. Your works will speak for themselves and those you have helped will know what you have done for them and remember you for your kindness and generosity, they will be your testimony and tribute to the world." There is always someone watching you, finding hope and inspiration from you, looking up to you and trying to be like you whether you know it or not. So yes you are special, in so many ways. Never ever think about giving up and throwing in the towel, because there are so many people believing in you and counting on you. You just can't see them all.
I hope you truly understand that you are loved and blessed. You will never be forgotten and your works and deed will certainly outlive you.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Settling for other than you want and second guessing yourself is wrong
Life is full of changes, and when you come to a point in your life when you really want something, you have the means to achieve it but you are afraid that it will strain you financially. I want you to stop second guessing yourself, go for it! Don't settle for something less because it is less risky or expensive. When you start to settle for things that you don't want, or doesn't quite meet your expectations, you set a pattern for yourself that you might not be able to break out of.
Even when I was making good money, and doing alright for myself, I would be the last one to order a meal when out for dinner, I would wait and see what everyone else ordered, and then choose something less expensive. This wasn't because I had too, it was because I felt uncomfortable with the expense, and I always feared that I wouldn't be able to afford it. Even when I was in a relationship of 12 years, I sometimes still found myself in that mind frame, and would revert back to my old pattern of behavior. What is worse is that every time I would make a decision about a purchase, I would feel guilty about it. I would second guess myself and begin to worry. This is often referred to as buyers remorse. Believe it or not, millions of people suffer and are often plagued by this worry and guilt.
Ingrained patterns of behavior become habits over time and are extremely hard to break. In stressful situation, or situations where we feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable we can easily revert back to those old habits or patterns, even if we have left them behind for many years. So as life changes and hurtles and obstacles are put in our way, we need to change and adapt to them, or we are going to find ourselves unable to make a decision, be overwhelmed with stress over bills and sick with worry about where and how we are going to be pay for whatever it is that we have chosen to do. I know that this might be a little hard to follow, but I believe that once a worrier always a worrier. But I also know from previous experience that no matter how much I have worried and stressed out over situations, I was unable to change the outcome of the choice I had made. I also found that if I am constantly worried over something, I am not able to think of anything but the situation, much less try and figure out a solution to the problem. Sometimes, as the momentary panic had died down and the stress receded a little I found out that the universe or God always provides. Now, I am not saying go out there and get crazy spending large sums of money that you don't have and have no way of paying back. What I am saying is that if you are in a situation and you need or desire something and you are working hard and what you are wanting is not going to immediately cause damage.
Go for it, do what you feel comfortable with and what makes you happy. Even if things get tight for awhile a way will be provided to help you through, we are not left to fend for ourselves. Don't deny yourself things that are necessary, and don't choose to be second rate. Go for what you want, make yourself happy. As I have told you over and over again, life is too short. I don't want you to sweat the small shit in life! Let them pass, they will take care of themselves in the long run. Now, you have to understand that I am talking about small things, necessary items, and so forth. I am not telling you to go out and buy a Ferrari, unless you have the money to make the down payment, and the payments aren't going to cripple you to the point that you cannot take care of any other bill or yourself. Be reasonable, but if it really is something you want then I think you should go for it.
This weekend my father and I went out car shopping, he found a car for $1295.00 he thought that I should buy it. But, it wasn't me, and I knew I wouldn't be happy driving it. I stood my ground and went looking for something more my style and that I would feel comfortable with. I decided to stand my ground and get something that I liked and wanted. Now, I have a car payment and collision insurance, bills that I honestly wasn't wanting or planning on. However, I realized that if I didn't take matters into my own hands and make some sort of decision I was going to end up with car I wasn't comfortable with. Yes, the payments are monthly and that wasn't in my budget either, I was planning on buying a cash car, and making due. But, in the end I wasn't going to be happy at all. So I did what I thought was best. I bought something that I was interested in and I liked, I fretted and worried about the amount of money that I was spending and how much it is going to cost me over the next 2 1/2 years, but I stuck to my guns and got something that I liked.
How many times have you chosen to settle without thinking about your wants, needs and desires? I bet it has been a lot, and you were never really happy with the choice you made. I want you to know that I have been there right with you. As with all things you have to do them in moderation and at small manageable chunks at a time. You have to be willing to think and find a solution, confront your fear that you have over extended yourself and push aside the feeling that you are doomed because you don't know how you are going to cover the added expense. In this situation you have to be open minded and willing to work toward a solution. You aren't the first one that has made a decision that was extremely costly and had to think outside of the box to find a workable solution to the issue at hand.
Have you ever heard the saying " God helps those that help themselves" this is sincerely true. He is not going to let you falter or fall, He doesn't put us in situations that are greater than our ability to confront them and overcome them. Like I said earlier the universe or God will provide. He will make a way for you to come through the situation in a much better and stronger place. Some how and someway that you have never dreamed of the money to cover the situation will come. Seemingly it will come from nowhere, and you will look back at all the posturing and stress and realize that you had made the right decision and that everything will work itself out. You can do this, you can disrupt your pattern of behavior and break the habit, and what seemed so daunting a task will begin to become manageable and you will succeed.
Again, I am not telling you to go out and run up your credit cards, or buy things you want just so you can have them, you need to act moderately and work toward getting them. You have to be willing to work hard and do what you can, because I promise you the rest will come. Don't try to put on airs and live above your means because if you do this, I guarantee you will be continue to struggle, and won't be able to come up with a solution to help you out. Keep the things that you buy down to necessary items, food, housing, transportation, utilities, etc. If you do this I promise you that if you need something really desperately a way will be made for you to have it. Same thing with wanting something, if it truly is something you cannot live without, a way will be provided to help you through the struggle. As I have said before nothing worth doing is ever easy and I mean that.
The reason why I am telling you this is because I want you to understand, that settling for something and making yourself miserable is not going to get you anywhere. Only you can make yourself happy, you have to do for yourself and provide for yourself, no matter how much it hurts you, because a way will be made to help you through. In the example above about the car, I was in desperate need of my own reliable transportation, I was being pushed one way and instead of settling for just old anything, I was determined to get what I want. I know that I am going to be struggling for the next few months till I can get everything back under control, but I know that I am not going to worry about it because God has my back. He isn't going to let me fail, because He alone knows how hard I have been trying to reach this goal. Yes, I will admit that I am a bit worried about the payments and other things because that takes a big chunk out of my disability check. But I know in my heart that if I am short, a way will be provided for me to have what I need to make this work.
Stressing over money is one of the biggest problems we have in this world today. But I am hear to tell you that if you keep the Faith, God will help you and keep you afloat. Be sure to do what you feel in your heart is the right thing to do, then just do it. After that God will help you manage it. Remember to always to make yourself happy, don't worry about how other people feel about what you are doing. Remember you can't please everyone all of the time, but you sure can make sure you please yourself.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Even when I was making good money, and doing alright for myself, I would be the last one to order a meal when out for dinner, I would wait and see what everyone else ordered, and then choose something less expensive. This wasn't because I had too, it was because I felt uncomfortable with the expense, and I always feared that I wouldn't be able to afford it. Even when I was in a relationship of 12 years, I sometimes still found myself in that mind frame, and would revert back to my old pattern of behavior. What is worse is that every time I would make a decision about a purchase, I would feel guilty about it. I would second guess myself and begin to worry. This is often referred to as buyers remorse. Believe it or not, millions of people suffer and are often plagued by this worry and guilt.
Ingrained patterns of behavior become habits over time and are extremely hard to break. In stressful situation, or situations where we feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable we can easily revert back to those old habits or patterns, even if we have left them behind for many years. So as life changes and hurtles and obstacles are put in our way, we need to change and adapt to them, or we are going to find ourselves unable to make a decision, be overwhelmed with stress over bills and sick with worry about where and how we are going to be pay for whatever it is that we have chosen to do. I know that this might be a little hard to follow, but I believe that once a worrier always a worrier. But I also know from previous experience that no matter how much I have worried and stressed out over situations, I was unable to change the outcome of the choice I had made. I also found that if I am constantly worried over something, I am not able to think of anything but the situation, much less try and figure out a solution to the problem. Sometimes, as the momentary panic had died down and the stress receded a little I found out that the universe or God always provides. Now, I am not saying go out there and get crazy spending large sums of money that you don't have and have no way of paying back. What I am saying is that if you are in a situation and you need or desire something and you are working hard and what you are wanting is not going to immediately cause damage.
Go for it, do what you feel comfortable with and what makes you happy. Even if things get tight for awhile a way will be provided to help you through, we are not left to fend for ourselves. Don't deny yourself things that are necessary, and don't choose to be second rate. Go for what you want, make yourself happy. As I have told you over and over again, life is too short. I don't want you to sweat the small shit in life! Let them pass, they will take care of themselves in the long run. Now, you have to understand that I am talking about small things, necessary items, and so forth. I am not telling you to go out and buy a Ferrari, unless you have the money to make the down payment, and the payments aren't going to cripple you to the point that you cannot take care of any other bill or yourself. Be reasonable, but if it really is something you want then I think you should go for it.
This weekend my father and I went out car shopping, he found a car for $1295.00 he thought that I should buy it. But, it wasn't me, and I knew I wouldn't be happy driving it. I stood my ground and went looking for something more my style and that I would feel comfortable with. I decided to stand my ground and get something that I liked and wanted. Now, I have a car payment and collision insurance, bills that I honestly wasn't wanting or planning on. However, I realized that if I didn't take matters into my own hands and make some sort of decision I was going to end up with car I wasn't comfortable with. Yes, the payments are monthly and that wasn't in my budget either, I was planning on buying a cash car, and making due. But, in the end I wasn't going to be happy at all. So I did what I thought was best. I bought something that I was interested in and I liked, I fretted and worried about the amount of money that I was spending and how much it is going to cost me over the next 2 1/2 years, but I stuck to my guns and got something that I liked.
How many times have you chosen to settle without thinking about your wants, needs and desires? I bet it has been a lot, and you were never really happy with the choice you made. I want you to know that I have been there right with you. As with all things you have to do them in moderation and at small manageable chunks at a time. You have to be willing to think and find a solution, confront your fear that you have over extended yourself and push aside the feeling that you are doomed because you don't know how you are going to cover the added expense. In this situation you have to be open minded and willing to work toward a solution. You aren't the first one that has made a decision that was extremely costly and had to think outside of the box to find a workable solution to the issue at hand.
Have you ever heard the saying " God helps those that help themselves" this is sincerely true. He is not going to let you falter or fall, He doesn't put us in situations that are greater than our ability to confront them and overcome them. Like I said earlier the universe or God will provide. He will make a way for you to come through the situation in a much better and stronger place. Some how and someway that you have never dreamed of the money to cover the situation will come. Seemingly it will come from nowhere, and you will look back at all the posturing and stress and realize that you had made the right decision and that everything will work itself out. You can do this, you can disrupt your pattern of behavior and break the habit, and what seemed so daunting a task will begin to become manageable and you will succeed.
Again, I am not telling you to go out and run up your credit cards, or buy things you want just so you can have them, you need to act moderately and work toward getting them. You have to be willing to work hard and do what you can, because I promise you the rest will come. Don't try to put on airs and live above your means because if you do this, I guarantee you will be continue to struggle, and won't be able to come up with a solution to help you out. Keep the things that you buy down to necessary items, food, housing, transportation, utilities, etc. If you do this I promise you that if you need something really desperately a way will be made for you to have it. Same thing with wanting something, if it truly is something you cannot live without, a way will be provided to help you through the struggle. As I have said before nothing worth doing is ever easy and I mean that.
The reason why I am telling you this is because I want you to understand, that settling for something and making yourself miserable is not going to get you anywhere. Only you can make yourself happy, you have to do for yourself and provide for yourself, no matter how much it hurts you, because a way will be made to help you through. In the example above about the car, I was in desperate need of my own reliable transportation, I was being pushed one way and instead of settling for just old anything, I was determined to get what I want. I know that I am going to be struggling for the next few months till I can get everything back under control, but I know that I am not going to worry about it because God has my back. He isn't going to let me fail, because He alone knows how hard I have been trying to reach this goal. Yes, I will admit that I am a bit worried about the payments and other things because that takes a big chunk out of my disability check. But I know in my heart that if I am short, a way will be provided for me to have what I need to make this work.
Stressing over money is one of the biggest problems we have in this world today. But I am hear to tell you that if you keep the Faith, God will help you and keep you afloat. Be sure to do what you feel in your heart is the right thing to do, then just do it. After that God will help you manage it. Remember to always to make yourself happy, don't worry about how other people feel about what you are doing. Remember you can't please everyone all of the time, but you sure can make sure you please yourself.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Thursday, May 10, 2012
What are your thoughts on Gay Marriage?
So tell me what your thoughts are on Gay Marriage? Because this morning when I opened up the paper it appeared to me that the President had weighed in finally on this subject. This is a debate and an issue that has been bouncing around for years. Every party skating the issue or just giving lip service when appropriate and today's announcement seems to be doing exactly the same. The statement was issued by the President the day before he was supposed to meet with the wealthy, outspoken activists of Hollywood. A political fundraiser that became an open lottery for two lucky individuals to attend and spend an evening with the President at George Clooney's house. Anyone who wanted to attend could go online and donate 3 dollars to the presidental re-election campaign and would automatically be entered in the drawing. Now, this was a clever marketing ploy and for two very lucky individuals they will get to go. The money from everyone else will be put in the re-election fund of the president.
My friend and fellow writer posted in his blog this evening "I Thank Barack Obama for Nothing". His views are that this was a politically motivated response to North Carolina re-affirming the stance that marriage is only between a man and a woman. I honestly believe it is a much simpler reason why Barack Obama came out in support of gay marriage. You see the dinner that I spoke about is estimated at raising $15 million dollars for his re-election, and knowing that he was going to be having dinner with the U.S. 's most outspoken and influential activists he took his stance this would ensure that his campaign and the democratic party would get the money.
Now, the reason why I am bringing all this up is because I really am not interested in the politics of this issue, I am more interested in the human aspects of the issue and how it directly affects me and the ones I love. I am gay no big stretch there, but what you might not know is that I am fighting for my life. Just this past October I found out that not only do I have Leukemia and Cancer, I also have end stage renal disease, radiation enteritis and hepatitis c on top of also being HIV +. By and large having 6 terminal illnesses makes me wonder what would happen if I was in a relationship and not protected with the right to marry. You see been there and done that and I was only sick with 2 illnesses at the time. Now with my imminent demise hanging over my head I would love to see the right of each individual to enter into the institution of marriage. The reason why I say this is because without the protection afforded by marriage, my partner, if I had one, would be denied the ability to be with me through the hospitalizations and other courses of treatment I have to go through because he is not considered immediate family. Therefore, I would have to face this alone and if I were to die, my partner would be denied the most basic rights regarding decisions to burial, life support, and life insurance, mortgage and other things that married couples have and are protected with. Health insurance, survivor benefits and other things would be available to me and my partner if there were gay marriages. I am not sure why the government thinks that only a man and a woman should be provided with these benefits and protections.
It is my opinion that everyone should have the right to choose for themselves. Further, I am a firm believer that since the constitution states that there needs to be a separation between the church and the state. However, why is the right wing, ultra-conservatives and the fundamentalist church trying to interpose themselves in the daily business of the people when marriage is a license a form of contract between two adults. Understand that a license is just another word for permit, which means that the government permits and recognizes that two individuals are now one entity. Each state recognizes many different forms of unions, Corporations, Partnerships, Marriages, etc. so why should a union between a gay couple not be recognized:? Is not a marriage another name for a union? The joining of two consenting individuals in a formal partnership or agreement to raise a family own property, and hold assets together. Corporations once they file their corporate paperwork with the Secretary of the State become a single entity that is capable of owning assets, property, cars, and can build and develop whatever they want under a common name. A marriage is the same thing, it takes two individuals and combines them and makes them a single entity in the eyes of the government and every other business in America. A marriage, in the current sense, allows a man and a woman to buy property, have insurance together, raise a family, purchase cars, have children and many other benefits many of which are not available to same sex couples.
I hope that those of you who read this posting will look at my statements and understand that I am not trying to make a political statement I am trying to make an emotional appeal to the common decency of human kindness and rational thought. I may not be able to see resolution to this issue, but I am wanting to ensure that those who I leave behind in this life will have the right to choice and decide their own fate. Not having to listen to the whims and dictates of society and the government who allows religion to steer and dictate their course of action. Remember always that this country was founded on the premise that each individual would have the freedom of choice, in religion, in belief and in life. Our constitution was written to ensure that there was definite separation between the branches of the government and the separation between the church and the state. Thus, our country would not ever have to chance to fall under a dictator or religious zealot. It is my firm belief that our forefathers, and the founders of this Nation understood these things and took as many precautions as they could when they drafted the Constitution. With the adding of the bill of rights our personal liberties and freedoms were clearly defined. Abraham Lincoln affirmed this in his Gettysburg Address stating that "All men in this nation were created equal". This has been the tenets of democracy and the foundation of our continuing military campaign of "Enduring Freedom". Our troops are out there fighting for the freedom of other nations, but they are the embodiment of what we all hold dear here in America, Freedom and the right to choice.
So now that you have read this what do you really think about Gay Marriage?
As always I am looking forward to hearing your feedback and your opinions. I want to hear from you and would love for you to support my blog. Become a follower and let me know your stance on these issues and many more that are out there. If you have a topic you would like to discuss let me know. You can check out my Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/bryan.zepp2 or you can email me bryanzepp@gmail.com
All My hopes,
B
Check out Greg Kelley on his blog soswirl.blogspot.com or you can see his work on the examiner exm.nr/gregorykelley
My friend and fellow writer posted in his blog this evening "I Thank Barack Obama for Nothing". His views are that this was a politically motivated response to North Carolina re-affirming the stance that marriage is only between a man and a woman. I honestly believe it is a much simpler reason why Barack Obama came out in support of gay marriage. You see the dinner that I spoke about is estimated at raising $15 million dollars for his re-election, and knowing that he was going to be having dinner with the U.S. 's most outspoken and influential activists he took his stance this would ensure that his campaign and the democratic party would get the money.
Now, the reason why I am bringing all this up is because I really am not interested in the politics of this issue, I am more interested in the human aspects of the issue and how it directly affects me and the ones I love. I am gay no big stretch there, but what you might not know is that I am fighting for my life. Just this past October I found out that not only do I have Leukemia and Cancer, I also have end stage renal disease, radiation enteritis and hepatitis c on top of also being HIV +. By and large having 6 terminal illnesses makes me wonder what would happen if I was in a relationship and not protected with the right to marry. You see been there and done that and I was only sick with 2 illnesses at the time. Now with my imminent demise hanging over my head I would love to see the right of each individual to enter into the institution of marriage. The reason why I say this is because without the protection afforded by marriage, my partner, if I had one, would be denied the ability to be with me through the hospitalizations and other courses of treatment I have to go through because he is not considered immediate family. Therefore, I would have to face this alone and if I were to die, my partner would be denied the most basic rights regarding decisions to burial, life support, and life insurance, mortgage and other things that married couples have and are protected with. Health insurance, survivor benefits and other things would be available to me and my partner if there were gay marriages. I am not sure why the government thinks that only a man and a woman should be provided with these benefits and protections.
It is my opinion that everyone should have the right to choose for themselves. Further, I am a firm believer that since the constitution states that there needs to be a separation between the church and the state. However, why is the right wing, ultra-conservatives and the fundamentalist church trying to interpose themselves in the daily business of the people when marriage is a license a form of contract between two adults. Understand that a license is just another word for permit, which means that the government permits and recognizes that two individuals are now one entity. Each state recognizes many different forms of unions, Corporations, Partnerships, Marriages, etc. so why should a union between a gay couple not be recognized:? Is not a marriage another name for a union? The joining of two consenting individuals in a formal partnership or agreement to raise a family own property, and hold assets together. Corporations once they file their corporate paperwork with the Secretary of the State become a single entity that is capable of owning assets, property, cars, and can build and develop whatever they want under a common name. A marriage is the same thing, it takes two individuals and combines them and makes them a single entity in the eyes of the government and every other business in America. A marriage, in the current sense, allows a man and a woman to buy property, have insurance together, raise a family, purchase cars, have children and many other benefits many of which are not available to same sex couples.
I hope that those of you who read this posting will look at my statements and understand that I am not trying to make a political statement I am trying to make an emotional appeal to the common decency of human kindness and rational thought. I may not be able to see resolution to this issue, but I am wanting to ensure that those who I leave behind in this life will have the right to choice and decide their own fate. Not having to listen to the whims and dictates of society and the government who allows religion to steer and dictate their course of action. Remember always that this country was founded on the premise that each individual would have the freedom of choice, in religion, in belief and in life. Our constitution was written to ensure that there was definite separation between the branches of the government and the separation between the church and the state. Thus, our country would not ever have to chance to fall under a dictator or religious zealot. It is my firm belief that our forefathers, and the founders of this Nation understood these things and took as many precautions as they could when they drafted the Constitution. With the adding of the bill of rights our personal liberties and freedoms were clearly defined. Abraham Lincoln affirmed this in his Gettysburg Address stating that "All men in this nation were created equal". This has been the tenets of democracy and the foundation of our continuing military campaign of "Enduring Freedom". Our troops are out there fighting for the freedom of other nations, but they are the embodiment of what we all hold dear here in America, Freedom and the right to choice.
So now that you have read this what do you really think about Gay Marriage?
As always I am looking forward to hearing your feedback and your opinions. I want to hear from you and would love for you to support my blog. Become a follower and let me know your stance on these issues and many more that are out there. If you have a topic you would like to discuss let me know. You can check out my Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/bryan.zepp2 or you can email me bryanzepp@gmail.com
All My hopes,
B
Check out Greg Kelley on his blog soswirl.blogspot.com or you can see his work on the examiner exm.nr/gregorykelley
Monday, April 30, 2012
What do you do when the person you are trying to help won't help themselves?
Anyone who knows me, knows that I have a huge heart and I am always trying to help another person. But what do you do when the person you are trying to help won't help themselves? They don't contribute to the household or even work? This is actually a tough question and one that sometimes you cannot see when you are in the situation. However, what I have found is that these people may claim that they are your friend, they may even have good intentions, but they are disappointing and fail to deliver. No matter how many times you give them a chance they continue to remain the same.
An example of this can be seen from my last attempt to live in Atlanta. I moved there but had 2 friends that had once lived with me before when I lived in Atlanta previously, yet before I relocated back to Atlanta I had spoken with both of them and both guaranteed me that they would get a job with in 2 weeks of coming there. We spoke constantly and laid out ground rules..these rules were agreed to but to my dismay neither one ended up getting a job after being at my apartment for three months, and none of the rules were adhered too. One did help with keeping the kitchen clean but the other one never wanted to do anything complained when I told him he needed to get a job or go to school or do something. He would get irate and start yelling at me and then nothing ever changed.
It got to the point that after 8 months they were both still living with me and I was paying for everything. I was beginning to feel distinctly used. I actually didn't know what to do at this point. They wouldn't work, had no money to help, stole my car, damage it and I had to pay to get it fixed and the bills kept getting higher and higher. What eventually happened is that I couldn't cover the bills and the apartment complex evicted us. I ended up loosing everything including my two dogs, and my car and everything that was in the apartment.
But I learned something that has become the foundation for most of my writings so far. That sometimes if you really care about someone you have to be stern and say no, you must stop, cease, remain strong and steadfast. In other words you must demonstrate what is know as tough love. This means that you must not shirk from confrontation you must embrace it and confident that you are in the right. Now, what I mean by this is if you realize that someone is using you and not helping themselves then they need to be cut loose. You must let them go. If you continue to help them when they aren't helping themselves or even doing their own part to move forward in some way then it is in your best interest to let them go. Someone sent me a picture that says "If you allow people to make more withdrawals than deposits in your life, you will be out of balance and in the negative. Know when to close the account."
This is exactly what I have been trying to tell you in this entry. But more than that I want you to think about this, if someone you know in your life is at the same place and isn't moving forward and going some place then they aren't helping themselves and they definitely aren't helping you. Remember this always, anyone who is not helping you and adding to your life and trying to help you get to the next level then they are using you and holding you back. They are stumbling blocks and are keeping you from moving forward yourself.
Another way to put this is if you know someone who hasn't moved forward for years and years they are still the same and still doing the same. Then they aren't doing anything to better themselves. If you help them and let them continue in their lifestyle never changing and never moving forward, then they are using you as a crutch and you are enabling them to never change. This is a very detrimental relationship and needs to be ended. Please if you have a bad friendship or relationship like the ones I described here...please do me a favor and realize that you must let them go, They are not your friends and they are only trying existing on your charity and using your kindness for weakness. Please be wary and don't get caught like I did and have to learn this the hard way. A friend is someone who has your best interest at heart. They are there when you need them and are supportive and caring. They give just as much as they take and are always willing to build and grow with you.
I know that this sounds like a simple thing, but trust me there are people out there that fall victim to this all the time, and because they are inside the situation they cannot see that they are being used and being hurt by the people claiming to be their friends.
So here in recap if a person or relationship is not benefiting you and them and you both are not moving forward toward the next station in life then you must be strong and steadfast in your resolve cut the friendship and move on by yourself.
As always give me your thoughts and feedback. Let me know if there is a topic you would like to discuss.
Uncle B
An example of this can be seen from my last attempt to live in Atlanta. I moved there but had 2 friends that had once lived with me before when I lived in Atlanta previously, yet before I relocated back to Atlanta I had spoken with both of them and both guaranteed me that they would get a job with in 2 weeks of coming there. We spoke constantly and laid out ground rules..these rules were agreed to but to my dismay neither one ended up getting a job after being at my apartment for three months, and none of the rules were adhered too. One did help with keeping the kitchen clean but the other one never wanted to do anything complained when I told him he needed to get a job or go to school or do something. He would get irate and start yelling at me and then nothing ever changed.
It got to the point that after 8 months they were both still living with me and I was paying for everything. I was beginning to feel distinctly used. I actually didn't know what to do at this point. They wouldn't work, had no money to help, stole my car, damage it and I had to pay to get it fixed and the bills kept getting higher and higher. What eventually happened is that I couldn't cover the bills and the apartment complex evicted us. I ended up loosing everything including my two dogs, and my car and everything that was in the apartment.
But I learned something that has become the foundation for most of my writings so far. That sometimes if you really care about someone you have to be stern and say no, you must stop, cease, remain strong and steadfast. In other words you must demonstrate what is know as tough love. This means that you must not shirk from confrontation you must embrace it and confident that you are in the right. Now, what I mean by this is if you realize that someone is using you and not helping themselves then they need to be cut loose. You must let them go. If you continue to help them when they aren't helping themselves or even doing their own part to move forward in some way then it is in your best interest to let them go. Someone sent me a picture that says "If you allow people to make more withdrawals than deposits in your life, you will be out of balance and in the negative. Know when to close the account."
This is exactly what I have been trying to tell you in this entry. But more than that I want you to think about this, if someone you know in your life is at the same place and isn't moving forward and going some place then they aren't helping themselves and they definitely aren't helping you. Remember this always, anyone who is not helping you and adding to your life and trying to help you get to the next level then they are using you and holding you back. They are stumbling blocks and are keeping you from moving forward yourself.
Another way to put this is if you know someone who hasn't moved forward for years and years they are still the same and still doing the same. Then they aren't doing anything to better themselves. If you help them and let them continue in their lifestyle never changing and never moving forward, then they are using you as a crutch and you are enabling them to never change. This is a very detrimental relationship and needs to be ended. Please if you have a bad friendship or relationship like the ones I described here...please do me a favor and realize that you must let them go, They are not your friends and they are only trying existing on your charity and using your kindness for weakness. Please be wary and don't get caught like I did and have to learn this the hard way. A friend is someone who has your best interest at heart. They are there when you need them and are supportive and caring. They give just as much as they take and are always willing to build and grow with you.
I know that this sounds like a simple thing, but trust me there are people out there that fall victim to this all the time, and because they are inside the situation they cannot see that they are being used and being hurt by the people claiming to be their friends.
So here in recap if a person or relationship is not benefiting you and them and you both are not moving forward toward the next station in life then you must be strong and steadfast in your resolve cut the friendship and move on by yourself.
As always give me your thoughts and feedback. Let me know if there is a topic you would like to discuss.
Uncle B
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