Disappointments

Disappointments should be nothing new to me.  I have placed my hope in others and have been let down so many times in the past that I should be used to it by now.  Things hardly ever go the way I plan them, so I try to remain spontaneous and in the moment all the time.  I had wanted to go to visit my friend Robert Miller in Ft. Lauderdale this month because he was having surgery to replace his hip.  Unfortunately, I made some choices that limited my travel options.  I can't go and surgery took place today, but he is doing well and should be on the mend soon.  Early this month I helped out a friend and used up what savings I had. But disappointment aside,  I wish I could have gone, but things just didn't work out toward that direction.  I wanted to go see my dad at the end of last month because he was in the hospital, but things conspired against me and I have run into trouble with the bank that actually occurred over Labor Day weekend.  A clerk at the local Circle K where I bought my cigarettes actually used my debit card and charged $335 dollars and the bank found that these charges were similar to my spending habits and that there were no wrong pin attempts and decided that these charges weren't fraudulent.  This has set me back over a 1000.00 in the past 2 months and has seriously hurt my ability to make ends meet let alone go anywhere on a weekend trip.

I am still battling with TD bank over the fraudulent charges that were put against my account back in July when Domeneck Lattella stole my iphone and debit card and tried to put through checks that weren't any good.  If I could recover a portion of the money that he profited from against my account I would be in a much better financial situation.  But, I am not sure what is going to happen with the bank and the decision that they had come to.  I had told my friend Judy that I wasn't planning on staying with her longer than 90 days and that time is rapidly coming to a close and without the financial help of Ryan White or the Bank reversing their decision I am sort of stuck in the living situation that I am in.

I have found a house here in the Orlando area that is $800.00 a month and it includes all the utilities.  I am excited that I was able to find the house, now I am struggling to come up with the move in money that the woman is looking for.  I am hoping that everything falls into place and that I don't have to struggle to get into the house. It will be a great feeling to finally have a place over my head again, after being homeless for so long.  I have come so far, and overcome so many hardships that it is time that something good finally falls into place.  I am hoping that in the next couple of months I would have enough saved up that I will finally be able to get another car.  In the 2 1/2 months that I have been in Orlando I have been able to clean up my act and get many of the things that I lost when I got screwed over in Jacksonville.

I know that things will eventually come out the way that they are supposed to.  I have registered with Ryan White and let them know that I am in need of housing assistance and I am hoping that someone will be in contact with me soon and will be able to help me some towards getting into this place.  It will certainly help me get into a better place and be able to stand on my own two feet again.  After being adrift since 2017 to have a home base and firm foundation will be an achievement that I can be proud of.  I thought that I was on the right track when I was in Jacksonville, but things went sideways so fast, and I ended up being on the streets again and that was extremely rough.  I don't want to put myself in that type of situation again.

It has been my history that once things start going better the rug is pulled out from under me and I fall flat on my face.  I have lost so many things over the past 20 years that these moments of achievement pale in comparison.  I am not sure what the future holds but there are many programs out there that might be able to help me get further ahead then I have been before.  I have been coasting for the past several years and just riding the ups and downs of life, and not trying to really embrace what things are happening around me any more.  I gave up on my volunteer activities because I got wrapped up in my own little world and didn't want to burden those around me with the issues that I was facing, preferring to handle them on my own.  But, the truth of the matter is that I was embarrassed, I got back involved with the drug culture of Daytona, and got sucked into the schemes and scams of those I associated with.  Before, I knew it I was back on the street doing the same things that I was doing before when Kerry left me.

Now that I am away from that crowd and the influence of drugs I can see that others have followed in my footsteps and have begun the journey toward sobriety and recovery.  Though not everything has been a disappointment and some of the gambles that I have taken have paid off, I am never the less concerned about where I am heading in the future. My direction at this point is unclear and people from my past have stopped talking to me altogether and I am not sure what that means.  Originally I was hoping that I would be back up in the Atlanta area by the beginning of the new year but that doesn't look like that is even in the picture anymore.  I have been talking to the Carol, the lady that owns the house that I am attempting to rent about doing a rent to own purchase from her.  This would be something that would give me stable roots and something that I am extremely interested in.  The truth of the matter is that I am hoping that this first year lease works out and that we get along well with the neighbors and the landlord and that opportunity is still on the table.  That would definitely be something of a plus for me going forward.  It has been a long time since I have owned my own place and it would be nice to finally have something to call my own again.  A place that would continue in my family and be a legacy I could leave to others after I am gone.

Speaking of gone, my father is still very sick and isn't doing all that well with his treatments, which is also a disappointment to me.  I don't know what I am going to do if both of my parents pass away, both seem to be going through their own series of medical issues and at the age of 70 they may not be around much longer, and I can't keep depending on them like I used too. This means that I have little time to get my stuff in order and get back on my feet, because once they are gone I will not have any other support system around me.  Robert is in Fort Lauderdale and is married now and has a husband to worry about, and all my other close friends are in Atlanta or Pennsylvania, I am here in Florida on my own now.  So much has happened over the past 6 years that it is impossible for me to know how my friends in Atlanta are fairing and if they are still doing the same stuff they were doing when I left, I am not sure I want to go back into that situation. Up until 2015 I was traveling up to Atlanta fairly often and was in contact with a lot of them but over the past 3 years my health and situation has changed and I am not as capable as I was before to travel up there and get myself wrapped up in the silly games I used to play around with.

I haven't heard from Kerry or Sterling since I first got to Orlando. I don't know if the plans that Kerry and I were talking about are still on the table or if he has changed his mind and is going about doing his own thing and not included me in those plans or what. Last I heard Sterling was heading out to Washington State to help his friend who was going through some heavy medical issues.  So plans moving back to Georgia seem to be on hold indefinitely at this point.

Good news is that Dominic has gotten himself into rehab and will soon begin the program and that will benefit him in the long run.  The waiting game is the hardest part right now.  But we got him in and got him an ID, the program is supposed to help him with housing and job assistance both of which he needs for the future and will help cover some of the out of pocket expenses I am having to cover at the present time.  The only draw back at this moment is that of transportation. I don't have a car and there doesn't look like there is going to be one on the horizon any time soon.  I am hoping that our friends Nick and Justine who say they want to come to live with us in Orlando will be able to help me cover the rent and that will free my money up to help with transportation costs.

What I have discovered that with any plan there are bound to be many disappointments in life.  It seems that every venture comes with its own share of disappointments, and issues.  It is by coming through the disappointments and overcoming the issues or challenges, that we learn and grow.  We don't ever start something knowing every nuance there is about it, and unforeseen things tend to crop up at the most inopportune moments, but it by these things that we mature and grow and learn how to deal with them.  Life is full of excitement and challenges, but along with those comes the disappointments, the struggles and the of course the doubts.  Yet, the rewards for doing a job well done and the feel of accomplishment outweigh the disappointments, discomforts, and tears that we shed over them.

No one ever promised us that life was going to be easy, or free from disappointments, nor did they tell us that it would get easier the further in life you go.  No unfortunately, the challenges are going to remain the same or become greater the longer you are alive, the good thing is that the more you experience, the more you learn, the faster you grow, and the more knowledge and wisdom you obtain.  Sometimes, it might seem easier to give in to hopelessness and despair, but believe me there isn't any reward in doing such.  You will feel better about yourself, and gain more confidence and strength the harder you apply yourself to the situations you find yourself in.  Even now as I am facing an uncertain future, and my health isn't the greatest it could be, I find myself in a hopeful place, a place where I can reflect on my past and I have a clear vision of what I have accomplished, what I have survived, what I have come through, what I continue to go through and I have a better more complete understanding of the struggles that I am facing today than I did yesterday.  I have more hope today than I felt last month or even last year.  I know that if nothing changes I will be alright and I can make it, I can survive and I will.

Don't give in to your despair and doubts, know and reflect constantly on your past and what you have accomplished, achieved and come through.  In light of that the challenges of tomorrow won't seem so scary and you will be able to have more confidence in your decisions and your choices.  Think smart, stay alert and be vigilante not to succumb to the doubts, depression, and disappointments that creep up on you.  You are stronger than you give yourself credit for and you have accomplished so much and gained even more through your personal trials and struggles.  Use your story, to help others and give others the tools they need to move forward. Be a shining example of what other can be, even if you have doubts yourself.  You never know who will benefit from hearing your story and how your struggles might inspire someone else to move forward in their own life.  Life is not easy, it is tough and demanding! Every day is a struggle through grief, strive and your own personal demons, but you can come far just by believing in yourself.

One last note that I would like to share with those of you who are going through your own recovery.  Keep in mind that you will have to fight every day to overcome the urges and desires of your brain, but you can do it, you can overcome and be victorious, you have to keep going, even if you have a fall and slip up, don't give up you owe it to yourself and those that love you to keep trying and to live again.  It is hard, and doesn't get easier, but I know you have found the strength to start this journey, now all you have to do is fight to make it through. Battle everyday, fight for what you want, and keep your head held up.  There are others like you going through it and they too are struggling and you can help each other by sharing your testimony and your story for others to hear. Know that you are not alone, that I am fighting every day the same way you are and if you need me I am hear to offer you words of encouragement and guidance, pick up the phone, call, email, text, I will encourage you as much as I can. 

As always you are in my hopes and dreams,

Uncle B

Confessions of an Addict

I woke up in a haze and wondered how if today was the day I would change my ways.

You came in and handed me a syringe and there I start my endless binge.

A wake me up, a pick me up and then a shot to make it through, my days flash through and it was all I knew.

Something missing the search is on, but it was well and truly gone, no one saw, never touched and still it can't be found it's nearly dawn.

I don't know where I am going to lay my head, I have been on my feet and walked on and on I am nearly dead.

I am broke and fading, I spent the day contemplating and still I can't figure out what's the joke.

No food no home I am on my own, so it down the streets I roam.

Homeless and worried about my high never thinking that I should ask my self why?

I have given my all to those around me, shared and tried to be fair, but in the end it is me that is left with nothing to show and my cupboards are still bare.

Every day the endless cycle begins, I don't know how to make it end, I am stuck and alone with nothing to call my own.

That is they way I feel each and every day, I know I have got to find another way,

But all my friends are just like me full of false hope and drudgery.

My days and night were filled with hopeless despair until I decided that realized that it was all more than I could bear so made a change and left it all behind and I chose a different path to grind.

Now things are so much better than they were before and I don't feel like my life is at chaos and war.

*********

This is dedicate to all those who I have left behind who are still struggling and railing against the grand design.  I hope that soon you will find peace that comes with recovery and clear headedness.

All my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Amazing

It is surprising how God works in our daily lives. I was feeling a sense of hopelessness and despair because I have been up here in Jacksonville all by myself.  Since I got here back in December, it has been an endless parade of doctor appointments and tests. This in itself made feel very alone and it hasn't left anytime for me to make any new friendships since I have been up here. But, all of that changed about 2 weeks ago. In just one day I got a direct message from God in a very unique experience in how these 3 people came into my life in the matter of just two days at the beginning of February.

But before these 3 individuals were to come in to my life, I made one new friend on January 18th. She also came into my life in a strange way but was just the person I needed that day and I am very glad that she was there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on an ear to bend when my partner didn't get on the bus and never came up from Daytona Beach. She was also the person who took care of me that first afternoon of chemotherapy and helped me as I choked on food and threw up all the way home from Gainesville. She wasn't even supposed to be my driver that day, as a matter of fact she just was in the right place at the right time to take me to my appointment.  Because the original transportation driver decided not to take my trip and tried to cancel my trip. Luckily Tara was in Jacksonville and was available to take me to my appointment, even though we were late getting there. I believe God put me and Tara together that day, not only because I was going to need her, but she needed me as well. I got to share my story with her and I found out that she was going through a difficult time in her life as well. We have kept in touch since our meeting that day and I am very glad that we hit it off so well.

On February 1st I went to have some MRIs done. But much to my disappointment I was unable to get them done that morning, because my kidney levels were not good enough for me to be able to tolerate the contrast that the doctor had ordered. Though, had it not been for my tests being cancelled that I was ready to leave the imaging center early. Which put me in the direct path of a really cool lady whose name is Elaine. She was outside looking for a lighter and we ended up going on a little adventure together while we were both waiting for our transportation to come and pick us up.  Because I had been waiting for my ride to come and get me and they were very late, Humana sent another driver to get me.  As I was being driven home I talked to the driver telling him that the radiologist at the imaging center had told me that I needed to go the hospital that my kidney function indicated that I was experiencing renal failure. I honestly don't remember his name, but the more we talked together it became apparent that there was a reason why I  was in his car that afternoon. His sister-in-law had just been discharged from the hospital under hospice care. Apparently, she had given up all hope and had surrendered to the diagnosis that the doctors had given her that she was going to die.  He told me that he really needed to hear my story and history. That it was exactly what he needed to share with her to give her hope and might actually get her to change her mind and decide to fight for her life. I told him to tell her that God is the ultimate physician and only He could decide when it was her time to leave this world behind.

That very afternoon I had already spoken to Dom, and was telling Travis what the radiologist had said about me going to the hospital. Travis's partner was already in the hospital fighting for his life against pneumonia and a collapsed lung.  His recommendation was to call an ambulance and get to the hospital.  Trying to procrastinate and take my time I called my mother and was talking to her on the phone telling her that I needed to go to the hospital. She encouraged me to go and stop waisting time. However, I knew that I was probably going to get admitted so I packed clothes and colostomy supplies. This kept me busy and prevented me from laying down which apparently was a good thing because the ER doctor told me that had I taken a nap that afternoon I would have died in my sleep because my blood pressure was so low my heart would have just stopped while I was sleeping.

The final person whom I was bound to meet is Richard who was my food service attendant that would take care of all of my food orders while I was in the hospital. He was also one of the only people who I had the ability to talk to multiple times a day and kept my mind off of what was going with me. It also gave me some distance between me and my feelings of being abandoned and having to deal with this crisis on my own.  I will admit that I still was upset and angry that Dom isn't keeping in touch with me like I feel he should.  He still isn't talking to me every day like I think he should since that was his promise to me if I bonded him out of jail. However, I should have known that he never means what he tells me when he is in jail, it never works out.  He begged me to keep him out of trouble, but he left and never came back after he had me buy his return trip ticket. Then to top it all off he never went to court and I have no idea what's going to happen now. I don't know if the bondsman is going to come after me for the money. I am not even sure if they can, I think that I might have a fight on my hands when it comes down to it.

Can you see how amazing God is? How that He brought just the right people into my life at the right moment?  How great these interactions have been on me and my well being?

I believe that if you look carefully at your life you will find that God is working in your life and performing miracles on your behalf daily.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

Broken Merchandise

Dust has gathered around my place, I never move and no one ever looks at me.  I am broken and damaged beyond repair.  So I idle my days away in the same spot on the same shelf and watch as people pass me by.

Where is my chance? When will I have a home of my own with someone to love me? No one even bothers they can see that I am broken.  Everyone is looking for the new and amazing and I am old and broken so here I sit on my shelf day by day.

I hope against hope that someone will see the beauty in me.  But they never look past the exterior, all they see it the broken man, they turn away and choose someone else.  It has to be perfect with no mar or scar, and here I am broken and battered.

No one wants me and I guess no one will.  So as the dust gathers around me and people pass me by day after day. All I can do is dream and hope.

Wrong turns and uturns

For years I have been the victim of my own poor choices, bad relationships and my inability to judge another person's character.  I know that as a man I have to face the consequences of my actions, the repercussions of choices, and I am judged by those I hang around.  I have always started my journey's with the best of intentions, and yet somehow it always seems to fuck up and I am carried in a direction that I never ever dreamed would have happened.  Over and over again, I have always done exactly what other people wanted. I have put others well being over my own, I always think of myself last, and when I am hurt I am standing all alone and wondering where my friends really are.  My last relationship was like that, and the last year in Atlanta was messed up by the choices and friends that I associated with.

Now, I have come to Florida, and I was doing really well for myself. Despite being here 3 days and having to have emergency surgery, and taking 2 months to recover.  I still had a job, a car, and a place of my own in 8 months from getting off that bus.  I ended up bringing my partner back here and I ended up making poor choices and wrong decisions and I lost everything and had to start over. Here I am 4 months out of a nursing home and I have my own car and my own place.  But, I am afraid that I have placed another above me and it is going to be my undoing.  I am not sure that I am strong enough to recover this time.  My best friend needed me and I was there for him. I have done everything I have said I was going to do, and yet tonight it just seemed like I was being brushed off, that he didn't want me around and do you know how badly that hurt.  He said he didn't snap at me but he did, and my feelings were crushed.

I am sitting here right now writing this with tears streaming down my face, and when he called me I tried to explain, what I was feeling and he tried to turn it around on me and make me feel like I was the one that was hurting his feelings.  That I didn't put everything aside and everyone else to the back so that I could spend time with him and his family.  Not because I had too but because I really wanted to and for them to be leaving tomorrow and I was just casually thrown to the side.

How many times am I going to put myself out there and try and help someone and get my face stomped on in the process?  How many times am I going to have to sit at home and cry because once again I come in second to someone else?  I want to be there for my friend because at least in my eyes he is a friend, but what am I really too him?  Am I a friend?  I don't even know anymore, I thought I had gotten stronger, I thought that I had isolated myself from the negative influences in my life and now I am not even sure if I am on the right path anymore.

It never fails when I start to get going good something makes me swerve or turn around.  My life has been a series of wrong turns and u-turns.  I  want to be a help so bad, but what ends up happening is I set myself up for failure, I become a victim in my own life and everything derails and I have to start the whole damn thing all over again.  I have stayed in relationships way longer than I should have, I have helped people who were undeserving and who were only out to help themselves, and I am beginning to see that has become the pattern of my life and I am not sure I am strong enough to break it.

I am not sure that I have another u-turn left in me.  I have failed  before I have had a chance to even start, and it was because my own friend has sabotaged themselves.  They have convinced themselves that they are not worthy of love, companionship or friendship.  Since they have done that they have started to dwell on anything and everything that comes into their life and guess what all of that is drawing more negative energy into their life. I want to be strong for my friend, I want to try and make up for past mistakes, but he has made it impossible for me to move forward without falling into a dark abyss that I may never find my way out of.  He told me today that he needed help and I am afraid that I am not the right one to handle that at all.  I used to think I was up to the challenge, but now that I have seen that he doesn't really give a shit about me or my feelings, I wonder if everything I have been trying to accomplish is just in vain.

I am a failure at love, I have tried so many times and they have all gone so horribly wrong, I am inept at judging another's character and those who I think are my friends are just people that are out to get something out of me and not give anything back in return.  I have been the type of person who goes back to the previous relationship and tries desperately to cling on to that person because they at least showed some sort of acceptance.  However, it has become evident that the last person I was with was embarrassed by me, he tells everyone who will listen that we were never in a relationship, and now even my best friend has decided that my pain, and health is not relevant to him and has chosen to push me even further away.  Since he has been here, he has been isolating himself, surrounds himself in a dark cloud of gloom and when I try to pull out of him what is bothering him, he talks me into circles and never opens up.

So not only am I a failure at love I am also a poor judge of character, and I don't do well interacting with others I can only assume.  So from where I sit, my snap judgement to help my friend out of the situation he has found himself in, I am beginning to feel that I have yet again made a wrong turn and that this is going to end horribly.  That everything that I hope and would like to do will be once again wasted on a person who doesn't even really give a shit about me.

What can I do to break this pattern of behavior, something that has been seriously ingrained in my psyche, and has ruled my life for the past 46 years.  I know that I can't change that a person never truly ever changes, they might evolve into something better or more useful but the core personality and likes and dislikes is going to be there. Am I cursed to walk this path?  Am I going to always walk this path alone?  Yes and Yes are the answers. I don't think that I will ever find a way to break out of this cycle of behavior that I have created for myself, and it will be totally impossible for someone to walk with me and accept the turns and u-turns I have made in my life.  For once again, I am trapped by my decision to help someone else and I don't think that they are truly ready to help themselves, so all the energy and work that I have been trying to put into them is just going to be wasted effort.

Hell, after the phone call tonight I may never see my friend again and that is going to be a real big problem for me and one that I will end up going to jail for.  It would have been nice to hear thank you for taking my family around and helping out with things this weekend.  But, it didn't happen and it won't.  I really wasn't expecting to hear anything but it would have been nice to be acknowledged for the stuff that I have done and the accomplishments that I achieved.

So what can I say to you if your life like my life is full of wrong turns and u-turns you may have to re-evaluate your circumstances, possibly even break ties with everyone around you and just go somewhere new and start all over again.  I tried to do that and once again the attempt tho valiant was also a dismal failure.  Here I am in Daytona, and I am still doing and facing the same things that I did in Atlanta, the only difference is it is only one person and not many that have done it too me.

I believe that my guilt over our last parting made me feel a certain kind of way and I was trying to make up for what I did and said when I last saw my friend.  It just doesn't seem like I will ever have the chance to try and rebuild what was broke.  He has pulled so far away tonight that I am drifting once again, something I never ever hoped I would have to face again on my own.

Break that pattern before it breaks you.  Because here I sit before you and I am broken, and I don't think that there will be anyway that I can pull myself back together. I have already given up on love, now I have given up on the entire concept of having friends. The main reason is because I keep getting hurt over and over and my heart has been broken by this in the latest series of events.  I was already suffering from lower self-esteem, and self-worth because of how my ex just up and left and never came back.

Break the pattern before it breaks you. It becomes super hard to put yourself back together once you are broken, your spirit is weakened and your soul is bruised and your ego is hurt.  I am not sure I am ever going to feel the same way about myself ever again.  I doubt that my friend will ever know I wrote this, I don't think he reads my blog anyway.  So the chances are he will never know how I am feeling tonight and how defeated I have become.

I hope this helps someone, it didn't spare my feelings and the hardship I am going through, but at least I was able to get off of my chest that which has hurt me.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Catalyst for change!

Someone told me last week that out of darkness comes life, and I have been thinking on that all week. I had been sick and I am sorry that I haven't been able to write, but I am starting to feel a little better with the antibiotics.  Anyhow we were talking about life coming from darkness.  The Bible tells us in the beginning there was darkness and God spoke and there was light, then He created the earth.

Have you ever noticed when your life is turned upside down and you can't seem to figure out which way to turn, let alone figure out what to do and how to solve the issue or the problem that your life seems to take on a new direction and path that you have no idea where it is going to lead you?  Well, I have several times and at these moments my life totally changed and went in a different direction and brought me to a new destination.  I believe that these dark times or trouble times are way points on the road of life.  They make us re-evaluate our entire situation, and though it may seem bleak and you feel desperate and alone you are not.  God is with you!

I know it is difficult sometimes to just let go and leave it up to God, Fate, or whatever you believe.  But, the saying that my grandmother used to say to me all the time, this too shall pass.  Trust me everything has it's time and season.  Nothing last forever and even though our problems don't always go away when we want them too or get resolve exactly as we thought they should.  They are resolved exactly as the should.  Fate takes us to where we need to be.

So, what exactly do I mean catalyst for change?  It is my opinion and belief that we, mankind, only learn our lessons through pain.  Follow me on this, there is a certain amount of grief and pain we feel whenever we hit the dark spots in our lives.  They always say it's "always darkest before the dawn" and I believe that to be true.  What do I exactly mean by this, well for each trial we go through a lesson is learned and I bet there was either physical or emotional pain involved in this life changing event.

Like this month, I ended up running short on money because of some very poor management of my funds. I thought I was going to have to struggle and that I wouldn't have enough food to eat for the rest of the month or gas to get to the appointments that I have.  I was worried, upset at myself for the frivolous spending and full of regret.  However, I left the situation in God's hands, was completely honest with myself that I was foolish to purchase what I did. However the damage, was done and I was eagerly awaiting the UPS to deliver what I had order.  I think most people go through something like this whenever they make a big purchase, I call it buyers remorse, guilt over buying something that you wanted.  It would be different if what you purchased was needed. But this item was a want and a must have.

Needless to say this was a bit of a dark period for me.  Just a minor storm on the sea of life and just a little example.  A bigger example would be the point when in August I went to the imaging center to have an MRI of my back.  I could hardly get up from the bed let alone do much of anything else because my back hurt so bad.  But, I drove to the center, got in the door and was in a wheelchair and in less than an hour I was in the hospital to stay till November.  It was a long hard journey, I was told I would never walk again that my life would be forever altered because I would need to have extra aid in walking and getting around.  But, I did as I always do, I prayed and I plodded on, did what I could and let go of the rest. Here I am now out of the hospital and I still have pain in my back but nothing like I did when I went to the hospital.  I have trouble coughing or yawning because my rib cage is partially compressed which doesn't allow my lungs to fully expand.

Because of that infection and the damage done to my spine, my life will forever be changed. I will not be able to lift heavy objects, fully expand my lungs and I will have to stay on some form of pain pills or substance to keep me going.  I have had to change my lifestyle quite a bit to make the concessions this new body is requiring.  Now I have to depend on other people for help grocery shopping, carrying items too and from my car, doing my laundry and anything requiring me to stand for any length of time.  The pain becomes so great then my legs stop working, I have loss of strength on the left side of my body still and my leg still gives out whenever it wants too.

I made it through. I kept remember that everything has an expiration date, and moves on with time. No matter the trouble you are going through, someone else out there is going through something worse.  If you try and keep that in mind your mountain might not seem to be as high as it was a first glance.  Humans have a tendency to over-react to situations, they panic, and worry especially me. I am the worrier, I have a vivid imagination and every possible bad thing seems to run through my mind before I have even analyzed the problem correctly. So my molehill becomes a giant mountain and I don't know how to climb it, scale its sides or make it around.  These are the things that I call darkness in our lives.  Another, could be the loss of a loved one, the repossession of a house or car. Any disaster that hits our lives head on without any warning.

Pain causes us to change our course.  We either have to climb and scale the mountain or go around somehow.  We aren't perfect and we make bad choices and decisions and we have to live with the consequences.  So when is it that we make this life altering changes?  Not in the average every day problem. But those disasters that derail us from our goals.  They rob us of our breathe and cause us great anxiety or suffer some huge loss.  My friend lost her mother, and her brother within seven months of each other, and while she was planning the funeral for her brother, still mourning her mother's passing, her house was repossessed and she was given a court order to abandon the family home within 3 days.  Now, that is a disaster, a life changing event.  It was a dark time for her, and even now 9 months later she is still reeling from that disaster, but she did what she had to do and stayed true to herself and her faith.

I was trying to figure out the amount of pain it takes to make us change our ways, habits, lifestyles.  I would say it takes and earth shattering, mind blowing, rock bottom place before we change and make a new path for ourselves to walk upon.  I recently lost my best friend and partner, he decided to leave and fulfill other obligations.  But, because of his decision and lack of communication it caused a great deal of hurt, pain and eventually loss.  Not to mention right after that I got the infection in my back and started the downward  spiral in my health.  This loss caused me to re-evaluate my needs and desires.  I went from a 2 bedroom to a one bedroom and started to minimize my possessions. I took and fulfilled my needs and not my wants.

So, darkness, light, pain, trouble. are these the catalyst for change?  Yes and no.  Trouble and pain are found in the darkness, and when they are exposed to the light the change occurs.  So in a way light at the end of the tunnel is a sign that change is coming to you. That you have journey over the mountain or made your way around it.  Keep in mind that anything done in the darkness eventually comes to light.  Meaning whatever you have done in secret or in a hurtful manner will eventually be exposed.  Things that flourish in darkness such as despair, loneliness, depression, anxiety all of these things fade when expose to the light because the light cannot tolerate them, happiness, truth, and change are things of the light and they can't survive long in darkness.

Putting out positive bring you positive back.  No one can make you change anything except you.  You have to hit the absolute rock bottom, see no way out, no future, have no hope and even then if you don't have the desire to change you won't. All you will do is wallow in your self-pity, indulge your sense of despair and hopeless. You will wander around in the darkness and suffer until you make the change.  Your tolerance for pain, humiliation and degradation are great and I have myself wallowed in self-pity and been on self-destructive paths, so I know what I am talking about.  Take a chance, walk out in faith and grab the light, for in it you will excel and you will see that your issue, problem, addiction or whatever the issue is cannot keep you down forever.  Remember, everything in this life has and expiration date and that means it isn't permanent and won't last forever, you can and will come through it.  Whether or not it changed you is totally up to you.

Change comes in many forms, and the road of life is not a straight shot, it is rocky, got lots of potholes, obstacles and way point along the way.  It is this journey that makes us into the people we are today.  Keep an open mind be flexible and not afraid of change.  Keep moving forward and do the best that you can do and learn from every obstacle you hit.  Because if you aren't learning you aren't actually living you are just surviving. You could be lost or stuck in a rut but you will never get out if you aren't open to change.  You don't have to continually endure the pain, there is a way out, you just have to find it.

As always my hope and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Oh moon shining Bright!

The sky is dark the stars are bright,
but it is the full moon that catches my eye this very night,
fear, emotion and hope are all found in that bright and shining disk in the sky.

Here I sit and ponder the where and whys
I am the only one who can see through the illusions and the lies,

Maybe it is the light that that shines so bright
That takes away the fear and fright,

For I alone know what's going down
I shake my head and frown.

I have warned and have pleaded
But you haven't neither heard nor headed

Comfort and strength are what is needed
In this hour, Oh how I know how your heart has bleeded

Friend so far away
I wish you really knew me today

Maybe then you would have believed my tales
I tied to save your heart from all his childish whims, cries and wails.

Oh moon so bright and shiny
Don't let my friend feel like his heart is small and tiny!

I am here my friend
I made a promise I am your friend and companion till the end

I will wait and watch by the hour
as you wait for him all bitter and sour

Wait and see he will come back to thee
this is his way Please wait and see

He loves you dear
he hides his heart thru drugs because of fear.

In a bit you will find
He is back and loving weak and blind

blind to the pain that he has wrought
but now you know the kind of man you have caught

Don't you ever threaten to end yourself again
because it isn't worth it in the end.

You are a shining star
You know who you are

Stand firm in the dark
be sure to leave your mark

Because the moon is shining bright
everything will come to the light.

I love you man!
-B

Lost, Alone and Scared

Over the past few days my world has been in a constant state of flux. Meaning that nothing has been constant, everything has been in perpetual movement.  When that happens the mind looses focus and thoughts can drift impossibly far distances. Emotions which are tied to thoughts are also out of flux with the rest of your body and you withdraw from the physical.  Now to explain this is rather difficult but I think this is a possible reason why we sometimes can be in a crowd and feel all alone.  See it doesn't matter what you are going through when the mind detaches and starts roaming and grasping at straws and random thought patterns, we become un-anchored to the the world around us.  We have a tendency to wrap up in these thoughts and can't fight our way back to ground.  I described that on my Facebook page on Saturday. My emotional state was such that I was upset, angry, profoundly sad, and I couldn't tell you which way was up or down.  I felt trapped in a surreal place of existence and I couldn't quite wrap my head around reality.

Because of a promise I made I can't divulge all the details of what I am going through but I can tell you this much.  When you care and love someone and they are lost to you for whatever reason, your mind creates solutions and equations and thousands of excuses as to what is really going on.  Problem with all of these scenarios that are playing out in your head, you have no foundation or basis in which to draw from, so your thoughts become cyclical, and you go from thinking the worst to the best, and before you know it your orientation is totally screwed up.  Sometimes we find ourselves in a place of emotional discovery, where you find out that what you once thought was not reality, even though all indicators seemed to point to a fact, when you finally get up on it, you realize that you had misread them, or mislabeled them as fact when they were just feelings.  Which is the funny thing about feelings, they can feel so real that you can almost believe them as fact, when in most cases they aren't, they are just interpretations of the facts that the brain and heart can process.

I can tell you it is a terrible feeling waking up one morning and finding out that everything you once believed in was a lie, that what you thought of as fact, was just in fact illusion created by yourself to keep from facing the truth.  Trust me when I tell you that it is a hard pill to swallow.  Humans are amazing creatures, we have not only the ability to reason, but we also have the ability to feel, and when you put reason and feelings together we get a sort of mental image, problem is that feelings are not as reliable and our images are easily shattered.  When something happens in your life that causes you to doubt everything it is very hard to pull yourself back together.  See, I am not a stranger to the world of addictions and drugs. I am not a stranger to lying to myself to make myself feel better, but I have learned over the years how to come to deal with these falsehoods, and I stand before you a different person.  See I am brutally honest with myself and those around me these days, because I hate to have the feelings of being lost, alone and scared.  I would rather get the initial shock and pain over with than have to deal with it on an on-going form.  So, I gave up on trying to kid myself.

However, there comes a time when we run into individuals that aren't quite at the level that you are. You have asked them repeatedly if they care about you and love you, if they are sure that you are the one they want to be with.  If they aren't at the same place you are, the answer you might get may leave you totally wondering as to your position. See I am a firm believer that everything starts with self and works its way outward. So if you are honest and truthful with yourself you have a greater ability to accept the things that are handed to you.  Some things you wouldn't even expect that hit you with a firm foundation of reality and truth behind you, you will be able to face them and overcome them with ease.  But, every so often something comes along that blind sides you. Something that comes from an unexpected corner, a place where you weren't looking or had thought you had gotten past, and it can rip your sense of reality right out from under you.

You may not understand what I am talking about or where I am coming from with this, and that is absolutely okay.  What I want you to understand there are times when you can be lost, alone and scared and it is not of your own doing.  You can feel those feelings under many different circumstances and I am beginning to understand the amount of pressure that it can put on another person who cares about you.  See, I am beginning to understand the physical and emotional toll of my health conditions on the person that I love.  I am beginning to understand that he has to stand there and watch as my health deteriorates and it makes him feel powerless and vulnerable and angry that there is nothing he can do to make the situation for me any better.  See I can understand him feeling lost, scared and alone during these times and there is nothing I can do to ease that burden from him.  The exact same thing is true for someone doing drugs and the other one not.  The person who is sober might think that they have the power to change the other person but they don't.  You are not a god, you don't have the power to rescue someone else.  The just don't understand that they are loosing not only themselves to it, but you as well. The hardest thing is for you to watch someone circle the drain.  Somewhere you have to be the stronger person and cut them loose and let them go.

2013 is about to start and you don't want to start it off on the wrong foot. There is nothing you can do to change either of the above situations, so inevitably you are going to have to walk away.  The situation is toxic for both of you and you are going to have to cut it loose or end up dragging yourself through the proverbial gutter.  It is hard to say these things because I know that they hurt.  But as sure as I am sitting here today, I realized that some situations are just beyond our control and reasoning. There is nothing I can do to alter either of the scenarios mentioned above.  This is for you, the one that asked me the question what to do if your partner has left you and decided that the drugs are more important than you. I have to tell you a hard truth, I am familiar with the world of drugs, and the effect that they can have on someone.  You are going to have to cut the string and let them go. No matter what happens from this point you must stay strong to yourself and your convictions.  If you give in know you have lost the battle.  I know this from experience once you give in and let someone back into that world it is virtually impossible to get them back out again.

I wish you the best of luck my friend. Because I know how hard it is at this time of year to be going through this alone, but believe it or not I am in a similar situation here in Los Angeles.  I can't go into details as I said earlier, but I do totally understand your feelings of isolation, loneliness and heartbreak at what you are going through.  I sympathize with you and I too am going to have to make a tough decision and pray that God will give me the strength to make it through this with my spirit and heart still intact. I hope you understand that you are not actually giving up on the person. It is going to take more than you to break the hold of the drug that has your friend.  I would never advise someone to give up on another person.  I am not giving up on my friend, I am not supporting or condoning his behavior, but I can't watch it tear apart my relationship and my life again. So if it takes me letting him go and moving on so be it. Lord is my witness that is the last thing I want to do. But, I know I can't make him change and I am not enough of a substitute.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B