Life is full of changes, and when you come to a point in your life when you really want something, you have the means to achieve it but you are afraid that it will strain you financially. I want you to stop second guessing yourself, go for it! Don't settle for something less because it is less risky or expensive. When you start to settle for things that you don't want, or doesn't quite meet your expectations, you set a pattern for yourself that you might not be able to break out of.
Even when I was making good money, and doing alright for myself, I would be the last one to order a meal when out for dinner, I would wait and see what everyone else ordered, and then choose something less expensive. This wasn't because I had too, it was because I felt uncomfortable with the expense, and I always feared that I wouldn't be able to afford it. Even when I was in a relationship of 12 years, I sometimes still found myself in that mind frame, and would revert back to my old pattern of behavior. What is worse is that every time I would make a decision about a purchase, I would feel guilty about it. I would second guess myself and begin to worry. This is often referred to as buyers remorse. Believe it or not, millions of people suffer and are often plagued by this worry and guilt.
Ingrained patterns of behavior become habits over time and are extremely hard to break. In stressful situation, or situations where we feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable we can easily revert back to those old habits or patterns, even if we have left them behind for many years. So as life changes and hurtles and obstacles are put in our way, we need to change and adapt to them, or we are going to find ourselves unable to make a decision, be overwhelmed with stress over bills and sick with worry about where and how we are going to be pay for whatever it is that we have chosen to do. I know that this might be a little hard to follow, but I believe that once a worrier always a worrier. But I also know from previous experience that no matter how much I have worried and stressed out over situations, I was unable to change the outcome of the choice I had made. I also found that if I am constantly worried over something, I am not able to think of anything but the situation, much less try and figure out a solution to the problem. Sometimes, as the momentary panic had died down and the stress receded a little I found out that the universe or God always provides. Now, I am not saying go out there and get crazy spending large sums of money that you don't have and have no way of paying back. What I am saying is that if you are in a situation and you need or desire something and you are working hard and what you are wanting is not going to immediately cause damage.
Go for it, do what you feel comfortable with and what makes you happy. Even if things get tight for awhile a way will be provided to help you through, we are not left to fend for ourselves. Don't deny yourself things that are necessary, and don't choose to be second rate. Go for what you want, make yourself happy. As I have told you over and over again, life is too short. I don't want you to sweat the small shit in life! Let them pass, they will take care of themselves in the long run. Now, you have to understand that I am talking about small things, necessary items, and so forth. I am not telling you to go out and buy a Ferrari, unless you have the money to make the down payment, and the payments aren't going to cripple you to the point that you cannot take care of any other bill or yourself. Be reasonable, but if it really is something you want then I think you should go for it.
This weekend my father and I went out car shopping, he found a car for $1295.00 he thought that I should buy it. But, it wasn't me, and I knew I wouldn't be happy driving it. I stood my ground and went looking for something more my style and that I would feel comfortable with. I decided to stand my ground and get something that I liked and wanted. Now, I have a car payment and collision insurance, bills that I honestly wasn't wanting or planning on. However, I realized that if I didn't take matters into my own hands and make some sort of decision I was going to end up with car I wasn't comfortable with. Yes, the payments are monthly and that wasn't in my budget either, I was planning on buying a cash car, and making due. But, in the end I wasn't going to be happy at all. So I did what I thought was best. I bought something that I was interested in and I liked, I fretted and worried about the amount of money that I was spending and how much it is going to cost me over the next 2 1/2 years, but I stuck to my guns and got something that I liked.
How many times have you chosen to settle without thinking about your wants, needs and desires? I bet it has been a lot, and you were never really happy with the choice you made. I want you to know that I have been there right with you. As with all things you have to do them in moderation and at small manageable chunks at a time. You have to be willing to think and find a solution, confront your fear that you have over extended yourself and push aside the feeling that you are doomed because you don't know how you are going to cover the added expense. In this situation you have to be open minded and willing to work toward a solution. You aren't the first one that has made a decision that was extremely costly and had to think outside of the box to find a workable solution to the issue at hand.
Have you ever heard the saying " God helps those that help themselves" this is sincerely true. He is not going to let you falter or fall, He doesn't put us in situations that are greater than our ability to confront them and overcome them. Like I said earlier the universe or God will provide. He will make a way for you to come through the situation in a much better and stronger place. Some how and someway that you have never dreamed of the money to cover the situation will come. Seemingly it will come from nowhere, and you will look back at all the posturing and stress and realize that you had made the right decision and that everything will work itself out. You can do this, you can disrupt your pattern of behavior and break the habit, and what seemed so daunting a task will begin to become manageable and you will succeed.
Again, I am not telling you to go out and run up your credit cards, or buy things you want just so you can have them, you need to act moderately and work toward getting them. You have to be willing to work hard and do what you can, because I promise you the rest will come. Don't try to put on airs and live above your means because if you do this, I guarantee you will be continue to struggle, and won't be able to come up with a solution to help you out. Keep the things that you buy down to necessary items, food, housing, transportation, utilities, etc. If you do this I promise you that if you need something really desperately a way will be made for you to have it. Same thing with wanting something, if it truly is something you cannot live without, a way will be provided to help you through the struggle. As I have said before nothing worth doing is ever easy and I mean that.
The reason why I am telling you this is because I want you to understand, that settling for something and making yourself miserable is not going to get you anywhere. Only you can make yourself happy, you have to do for yourself and provide for yourself, no matter how much it hurts you, because a way will be made to help you through. In the example above about the car, I was in desperate need of my own reliable transportation, I was being pushed one way and instead of settling for just old anything, I was determined to get what I want. I know that I am going to be struggling for the next few months till I can get everything back under control, but I know that I am not going to worry about it because God has my back. He isn't going to let me fail, because He alone knows how hard I have been trying to reach this goal. Yes, I will admit that I am a bit worried about the payments and other things because that takes a big chunk out of my disability check. But I know in my heart that if I am short, a way will be provided for me to have what I need to make this work.
Stressing over money is one of the biggest problems we have in this world today. But I am hear to tell you that if you keep the Faith, God will help you and keep you afloat. Be sure to do what you feel in your heart is the right thing to do, then just do it. After that God will help you manage it. Remember to always to make yourself happy, don't worry about how other people feel about what you are doing. Remember you can't please everyone all of the time, but you sure can make sure you please yourself.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label attainable. Show all posts
Showing posts with label attainable. Show all posts
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
You can do it on your own, you don't need anybody!
I know if you are anything like me you don't like being alone at all. But, I want to tell you that there are some things you are just better at doing by yourself. It is always nice to have a support network to help you through the rough times in your life, and believe me your friends and family are going to pull together for you and help you through those times, and you won't have to face them alone. What I am talking about here is that you don't need another person in your life to define you or make you whole. Sure it is nice to have someone to love, to depend on, to care for, but sometimes the timing is not right or you just can't seem to come together. No matter what the reason is for you being single, understand that you can do it on your own. You don't need someone to hold your hand and coddle you through. One of my fears that I have always had was that I was going to get sick and die alone, that I wouldn't be able to find someone that could care and love me for who I am. Especially after all the surgeries and illnesses I have been through.
Sure it has made it harder for me to find someone who truly and genuinely cares for me, because it seems that having an illness and dwelling on that lowers your defenses, you have a tendency to cling to anyone that shows you the least little bit of attention or affection. I can tell you that this can possibly lead to humiliation and heartbreak, because some of these people are opportunist that are looking for vulnerable people to prey upon and take what they can get from them. Now, I am not saying that everyone is like that, but you have to be extremely careful because there is a world full of predators out there that are looking for the weak and the vulnerable to prey upon and use up. I have found myself personally in that situation more than once, and it isn't fun, and it becomes extremely costly.
There is hope for you and anyone really that wants to read and listen. You honestly don't need anyone to complete you, you can complete yourself. Trust me when I tell you that you can get sucked into a relationship, you can loose yourself and loose your sense of direction. Further, once you are in a relationship you are going to go through a lot of changes and compromises, and believe it or not most of your dreams and goals are going to end up taking a back seat in your life. First in a relationship you are trying to adapt to your new environment and people that you are involved, integrating your friends and their friends into the mix. Then there is where are you going to live, and how you are going to manage the finances together, because combining two individuals into a pair takes some work, each of you have your own lives and issues that you have to bring together to deal with. You are going to want to deal with them as a team and work them through together. Plus there is the time that you are going to take getting to know one another better, and of course there is still having to work and possibly going to school to deal with and so many other things. That you just seem to stop doing your own things, because now you are doing "Our" things. Meaning as a couple you start doing things together. This is not an altogether bad thing believe me and it happens more than you can imagine. But as you are combining your lives, and streamlining the excess, and working out a whole new sets of goals, guess what happens to the dreams you once had, you got it, they fall by the wayside, maybe not totally forgotten, but they sure are put on the shelf for later review.
You may even come to discard your old dreams in favor of new dreams that you create with your partner. You both have expectations and desires to reach these dreams and complete them together, but what do you do when that relationship falls apart or just plain disappears? You are going to find yourself in a difficult place, you are hurt, your world seems upside down, and you don't know what your future is going to hold, and your faith in yourself and in the world around you is going to be very badly shaken. It may take you awhile to come back to yourself, to pick up the pieces of your shattered life and start over again. But eventually you will do it, and guess what you might even remember those old dreams that you shelved a while back and might decide that now is the perfect time to try them out. You figure you have nothing to loose and off you go.
Well, I have faith in you, because I have been there and done just what I described above, I started a new life, met someone in 1996 and decided that it was time for a new chapter in my life to begin. I actually dabbled in some of the things I used to be into, like pencil sketching, drawing, writing, doing research and practicing my beliefs. But honestly, I just dabbled, I wasn't really into it. I was too busy with my life, relationship, the drama that came with being in a relationship, then I was working and building a career, and buying houses, and cars, etc. Before you knew it my dreams and passions got left behind in the dirt. Even after my relationship ended, it did last for 12 years, but when it ended, I was too busy trying to find myself, re-establish my identity, figure out a sense of direction and of course get my feet back under me. My dreams unfortunately never had a chance to resurface. But now that time and distance from my failed relationship have brought into a much clearer focus I remember the dreams I had, and I am finally in a place in my life where I have my feet back under me and a stable foundation on which to build from. So I started writing again, and I have no partner in my life. Those of you that know me and have been following my blogs, know that there are two special people in my life that I have feelings for and they are both far away in Atlanta, and I don't get to talk to them on a regular basis, and that I don't even know if they realize I have an interest in them any more.
Anyhow, the point I am trying to make is this, I am back to a point in my life where I realize I can do everything I need to take care of myself. I don't need anyone else to tell me what to do, make decisions for me, hold my hand and of course keep me from doing the things that I love to do and have always dreamed of doing. It took me having to go through the darkest part of my life to realize that there is so much more out there just waiting to be done, and that I can do it all by myself. Sure as I mentioned above it would be nice to have someone in my life, but you know what if that ever comes about this time things are going to be a little different. I am going to encourage them to follow their dreams, to take a leap of faith and try to do accomplish whatever they desire. Because, I am focusing on attaining my own dreams and I don't have time for someone that is going to rain on my parade or hold me back. I won't settle for someone that doesn't have faith in me, that doesn't believe in me, or who tries to tell me that my dreams are unrealistic, or that I don't have talent or the myriad of other things that were used to hold me back and keep me down in my previous relationship. I have finally found myself again, and yes it took me a long while to realize that I didn't need another person, that my dreams were just as important to me as any other aspect of my life.
It also dawned on me that when we meet someone new that we have a preconceived notion of what they are supposed to be like and what the new relationship is supposed to be like. These notions are from what we see on TV, in our own family life, even that of our friends relationships. We end up constantly comparing the person and the relationship against these notions or expectations and when they don't measure up we get frustrated, disappointed and stress and discord enter the picture, we start fighting and as the tension builds so does the depression. I talked about this in my blog entry "You need to adjust and lower your expectations". The point here is that no one is ever going to measure up to your ideal or perfect person or relationship and if you don't come to terms with that, you are going to end up alienating yourself, pushing the person away, and destroying your relationship. Honestly, I believe that both of you are going to come to a point where you feel that nothing you do is right in the others eyes, and that everything you try to do to make each other happy only back fires.
No matter if you are in a relationship or if you have gone through the emotional turmoil of the break up, you have to rely on yourself. I have stressed over and over again in almost all my blog entries the importance of taking care of yourself, focusing your attention on your own needs, desires and goals. Because as I have said before, no one else is going to do it for you. If you don't put yourself first and foremost then you are going to get left behind, you are going to put your dreams on hold and they are never going to have the chance to be realized. You are going to wake up one morning and realize that your life is half over and you have yet to accomplish anything. That you have given up your dreams to raise a family, to take care of your partner, or raise children, or given everything you had to your career and job. You forgot all about yourself and your dreams, you decided that you could sacrifice them to survive. But take it from me those are the types of regrets you don't want to have in your life, and guess what I am here to tell you that you don't have to.
I am also here to tell you that if you come to a point in your life and you find yourself alone, and sometimes feeling lonely, don't think that you have to go out there and find yourself somebody, because you don't. You can do it all on your own, you won't have any distractions, nobody holding you back, or taking your time. One of my favorite movies the son tells his mother " I can cook, clean, sew, fix the plumbing and pat myself on the back, just so you don't have to." You are going to find that you don't need anyone in your life to feel complete, you can prove to yourself that you are worthy of happiness, and are destined for great things. You are strong enough to take care of yourself, and of course you have your friends and family. Don't let yourself be pressured or forget what you believe in, because you are worth it. You owe it to yourself to reach for your dreams, to take a leap of faith and find your success. I am here to tell you that you are never too old to reach for and accomplish your dreams. Look at Fantasia Barrino, she is the young singer who won season 3 of American Idol, she was a single mother, struggling, working hard to take care of herself and her baby. She had almost forgot her dream. She almost let it go, a friend of her's encouraged her, told her that her voice was her gift and that God gave it to her to make a success from. She told her brother, that her grandmother and her mother had given up their dreams to take care of them and raise them, but she wasn't going to do it, she was going to make it so her daughter would be able to reach for her dreams when she grew up. You should really check out her story "Fantasia Barrino: Life is not a fairy tale", I am so sure you will be amazed at her life and be able to take some inspiration from it.
I am always looking for people whose lives touch me and inspire me, and I can tell you this. You can do anything you want to, you must set your mind to it, work hard, and do what it takes, fight for it, don't worry about the people talking about you and putting you down, because you know what at least they are thinking about you, and if they are great. Don't give up or quit, see it through to the end, I know it is going to be hard and you are going to want to throw in the towel, but guess what stick it out you are going to be so happy you did. The rewards and joy are going to so outweigh the pain you had to endure getting there. If there are people holding you back and keeping you down, you have to be strong enough to let them go, find the strength within yourself to know that you can do it, you can make it and you will. You deserve the best, you don't need anyone holding you down...trust me you can make it one your own you don't need anybody.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Sure it has made it harder for me to find someone who truly and genuinely cares for me, because it seems that having an illness and dwelling on that lowers your defenses, you have a tendency to cling to anyone that shows you the least little bit of attention or affection. I can tell you that this can possibly lead to humiliation and heartbreak, because some of these people are opportunist that are looking for vulnerable people to prey upon and take what they can get from them. Now, I am not saying that everyone is like that, but you have to be extremely careful because there is a world full of predators out there that are looking for the weak and the vulnerable to prey upon and use up. I have found myself personally in that situation more than once, and it isn't fun, and it becomes extremely costly.
There is hope for you and anyone really that wants to read and listen. You honestly don't need anyone to complete you, you can complete yourself. Trust me when I tell you that you can get sucked into a relationship, you can loose yourself and loose your sense of direction. Further, once you are in a relationship you are going to go through a lot of changes and compromises, and believe it or not most of your dreams and goals are going to end up taking a back seat in your life. First in a relationship you are trying to adapt to your new environment and people that you are involved, integrating your friends and their friends into the mix. Then there is where are you going to live, and how you are going to manage the finances together, because combining two individuals into a pair takes some work, each of you have your own lives and issues that you have to bring together to deal with. You are going to want to deal with them as a team and work them through together. Plus there is the time that you are going to take getting to know one another better, and of course there is still having to work and possibly going to school to deal with and so many other things. That you just seem to stop doing your own things, because now you are doing "Our" things. Meaning as a couple you start doing things together. This is not an altogether bad thing believe me and it happens more than you can imagine. But as you are combining your lives, and streamlining the excess, and working out a whole new sets of goals, guess what happens to the dreams you once had, you got it, they fall by the wayside, maybe not totally forgotten, but they sure are put on the shelf for later review.
You may even come to discard your old dreams in favor of new dreams that you create with your partner. You both have expectations and desires to reach these dreams and complete them together, but what do you do when that relationship falls apart or just plain disappears? You are going to find yourself in a difficult place, you are hurt, your world seems upside down, and you don't know what your future is going to hold, and your faith in yourself and in the world around you is going to be very badly shaken. It may take you awhile to come back to yourself, to pick up the pieces of your shattered life and start over again. But eventually you will do it, and guess what you might even remember those old dreams that you shelved a while back and might decide that now is the perfect time to try them out. You figure you have nothing to loose and off you go.
Well, I have faith in you, because I have been there and done just what I described above, I started a new life, met someone in 1996 and decided that it was time for a new chapter in my life to begin. I actually dabbled in some of the things I used to be into, like pencil sketching, drawing, writing, doing research and practicing my beliefs. But honestly, I just dabbled, I wasn't really into it. I was too busy with my life, relationship, the drama that came with being in a relationship, then I was working and building a career, and buying houses, and cars, etc. Before you knew it my dreams and passions got left behind in the dirt. Even after my relationship ended, it did last for 12 years, but when it ended, I was too busy trying to find myself, re-establish my identity, figure out a sense of direction and of course get my feet back under me. My dreams unfortunately never had a chance to resurface. But now that time and distance from my failed relationship have brought into a much clearer focus I remember the dreams I had, and I am finally in a place in my life where I have my feet back under me and a stable foundation on which to build from. So I started writing again, and I have no partner in my life. Those of you that know me and have been following my blogs, know that there are two special people in my life that I have feelings for and they are both far away in Atlanta, and I don't get to talk to them on a regular basis, and that I don't even know if they realize I have an interest in them any more.
Anyhow, the point I am trying to make is this, I am back to a point in my life where I realize I can do everything I need to take care of myself. I don't need anyone else to tell me what to do, make decisions for me, hold my hand and of course keep me from doing the things that I love to do and have always dreamed of doing. It took me having to go through the darkest part of my life to realize that there is so much more out there just waiting to be done, and that I can do it all by myself. Sure as I mentioned above it would be nice to have someone in my life, but you know what if that ever comes about this time things are going to be a little different. I am going to encourage them to follow their dreams, to take a leap of faith and try to do accomplish whatever they desire. Because, I am focusing on attaining my own dreams and I don't have time for someone that is going to rain on my parade or hold me back. I won't settle for someone that doesn't have faith in me, that doesn't believe in me, or who tries to tell me that my dreams are unrealistic, or that I don't have talent or the myriad of other things that were used to hold me back and keep me down in my previous relationship. I have finally found myself again, and yes it took me a long while to realize that I didn't need another person, that my dreams were just as important to me as any other aspect of my life.
It also dawned on me that when we meet someone new that we have a preconceived notion of what they are supposed to be like and what the new relationship is supposed to be like. These notions are from what we see on TV, in our own family life, even that of our friends relationships. We end up constantly comparing the person and the relationship against these notions or expectations and when they don't measure up we get frustrated, disappointed and stress and discord enter the picture, we start fighting and as the tension builds so does the depression. I talked about this in my blog entry "You need to adjust and lower your expectations". The point here is that no one is ever going to measure up to your ideal or perfect person or relationship and if you don't come to terms with that, you are going to end up alienating yourself, pushing the person away, and destroying your relationship. Honestly, I believe that both of you are going to come to a point where you feel that nothing you do is right in the others eyes, and that everything you try to do to make each other happy only back fires.
No matter if you are in a relationship or if you have gone through the emotional turmoil of the break up, you have to rely on yourself. I have stressed over and over again in almost all my blog entries the importance of taking care of yourself, focusing your attention on your own needs, desires and goals. Because as I have said before, no one else is going to do it for you. If you don't put yourself first and foremost then you are going to get left behind, you are going to put your dreams on hold and they are never going to have the chance to be realized. You are going to wake up one morning and realize that your life is half over and you have yet to accomplish anything. That you have given up your dreams to raise a family, to take care of your partner, or raise children, or given everything you had to your career and job. You forgot all about yourself and your dreams, you decided that you could sacrifice them to survive. But take it from me those are the types of regrets you don't want to have in your life, and guess what I am here to tell you that you don't have to.
I am also here to tell you that if you come to a point in your life and you find yourself alone, and sometimes feeling lonely, don't think that you have to go out there and find yourself somebody, because you don't. You can do it all on your own, you won't have any distractions, nobody holding you back, or taking your time. One of my favorite movies the son tells his mother " I can cook, clean, sew, fix the plumbing and pat myself on the back, just so you don't have to." You are going to find that you don't need anyone in your life to feel complete, you can prove to yourself that you are worthy of happiness, and are destined for great things. You are strong enough to take care of yourself, and of course you have your friends and family. Don't let yourself be pressured or forget what you believe in, because you are worth it. You owe it to yourself to reach for your dreams, to take a leap of faith and find your success. I am here to tell you that you are never too old to reach for and accomplish your dreams. Look at Fantasia Barrino, she is the young singer who won season 3 of American Idol, she was a single mother, struggling, working hard to take care of herself and her baby. She had almost forgot her dream. She almost let it go, a friend of her's encouraged her, told her that her voice was her gift and that God gave it to her to make a success from. She told her brother, that her grandmother and her mother had given up their dreams to take care of them and raise them, but she wasn't going to do it, she was going to make it so her daughter would be able to reach for her dreams when she grew up. You should really check out her story "Fantasia Barrino: Life is not a fairy tale", I am so sure you will be amazed at her life and be able to take some inspiration from it.
I am always looking for people whose lives touch me and inspire me, and I can tell you this. You can do anything you want to, you must set your mind to it, work hard, and do what it takes, fight for it, don't worry about the people talking about you and putting you down, because you know what at least they are thinking about you, and if they are great. Don't give up or quit, see it through to the end, I know it is going to be hard and you are going to want to throw in the towel, but guess what stick it out you are going to be so happy you did. The rewards and joy are going to so outweigh the pain you had to endure getting there. If there are people holding you back and keeping you down, you have to be strong enough to let them go, find the strength within yourself to know that you can do it, you can make it and you will. You deserve the best, you don't need anyone holding you down...trust me you can make it one your own you don't need anybody.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Sunday, July 29, 2012
You need to adjust and lower your expectations
The last four entries have been dealing with relationships and dealing with the problems that might come up in them. Which I included families and how they form the basis of a support network. I want to round out the series with discussing expectations. For it seems to me that rigidity and flawed expectations seem to be a cause of our own inability to adjust to what life and relationships throw at us. I have stressed that in order for relationships to be successful and long lasting it needs to be based on trust, communication, friendship, open mindedness and the flexibility to adjust to change. Keep in mind that when two people come together, they have their own ideas, habits and customs that they are used to. By adjusting and lowering your expectations can make living with another person so much easier.
What I am trying to say here is that if you have preset or preconceived notions about how a relationship should be like, there is nothing but disappointment and pain in your future. You may find someone that you care about but how long will it last when you are constantly fighting, criticizing, and nitpicking your partner. Another thing you need to think about is your happiness and that of your partner. If you both set your goals so high that they are unattainable and have expectations that are unreasonable, I don't see how you two are possibly going to get anywhere and you are going to start to have regrets and before you know it you are going to be going at each other trying to assign whose to blame for failing to reach your common goals.
I believe that each relationship has to have reachable and realistic goals in order for contentment and happiness to be attained and maintained. I also maintain that if you have inflexible and rigid expectations you are never going to be satisfied with anything that you have or will gain, it is further going to push your goals into the realm of unreachable. It is important to understand that your expectations on a situation, affect the way you plan and reach for your goals. Often you have a preconceived notion that you base your feelings on and when a person doesn't live up to those expectations, you come down hard on that person. Your expectations are how you perceive something, it is the mental guide on which you judge everything. When your expectations are set so high, and you have an idea of how things should go, and they don't go that way, your reaction is going to be one of disappointment and anger.
We all go into a relationship with a preconceived notion of how it should be. When things don't live up to those expectation, the disappointment grows, and if your partner continues to fail to live up to your expectation, you start building resentments, and before you know it every little thing starts to irritate you. Your relationship becomes unstable and forward movement toward your mutual goals grinds to a halt. If you don't address it quickly and efficiently the everyday becomes routine and mundane, lethargy sets in and depression. The next thing you know you two are fighting all the time and the relationship crashes in a bitter and dreadful manner with feelings getting hurt on both sides.
In the entry I wrote about handling problems I stressed over and over again that you need to keep an open mind about things, you need to be flexible, adaptable and willing to change. You must be adventurous and willing to explore new options. It is important that your expectations be realistic so that you can set reasonable and achievable goals. I guess in a way I am trying to say that your goals and expectations must be aligned inside the relationship and without. You need to work together and accept each other for who you are. How can you say that you love someone in one breathe and then in the next try to change them, into what you think they should be. Because if you think about it, if the person does end up changing then they are not the person you were in love with any longer and in all actuality everything will have to change. Expectations can be brutal things that can tear a relationship apart.
Have you ever felt that for every one step forward, you take five steps back? If so that means that your expectations and goals are unrealistic and might actually be impossible to attain. You must adjust them accordingly before you finally give in to depression and throw in the towel. If you are a person that continually compares where you are at and who you are with to your past you are going to find that neither the place or the person live up to what you think they should. Memories are things that we polish up and idolize, and nobody can compete with a memory, so you constantly find yourself disappointed. No relationship can possibly withstand constant comparison to the past, further no goal can be reached if you keep living in the past and not moving forward.
I believe you that you need to take each person that you have a relationship with on their own merits. I do realize how hard it is to keep from comparing them to your exes, but if you continue to do it, your current partner is going to get the impression that you aren't over your ex and start to feel insecure, and if that happens there is no way possible for them to live up to the ideal that you have in your mind of the perfect companion. I think you may also find after several failed relationships that what you had once thought of as the ideal relationship doesn't actually exist at all. That you have been fooling yourself, and pushing people away from you because of your constant comparisons to your past, and because you are so set in your ways that you can't share your life with another person. I also think that your current partner is going to begin to feel a certain way about themselves and you. They are going to begin to feel that nothing they do is good enough for you, and that you just want more and more. They begin to feel stress and anxiety about this because they are doing their best and apparently in your eyes it is not enough.
Any goal that you are trying to reach is going to be always just out of reach because you haven't learned how to appreciate what you have. If you don't learn how to be content with where you are at in life and appreciate what you have achieved then how can you truly be happy, and if you aren't happy with yourself how can you be happy with anyone else. All because of your preconceived notions and expectations you are going to drive yourself and others crazy, and before you know it you are going to be all alone wondering what you did.
I hope you understand that all I am trying to tell you that we each have certain expectations and ideas about how things should be done, and if we don't adjust our way of thinking we are going to continue to drive others away from us. Any goal we might possibly achieve is going to be disappointing and we are never going to be happy with what we have accomplished because in our minds we haven't ever achieved the place or thing that we truly wanted. You must let go of the past to move on to the future, you cannot have a successful relationship if you continually compare them to your ex, and you are never going to be able to keep anyone with you if your expectations are so high that they couldn't possibly live up to them.
I hope you can understand how I have been trying to relate how expectations and goals are tied together, and how one can damage the other, and how when not dealt with together can result in constant disappointment and loneliness.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
What I am trying to say here is that if you have preset or preconceived notions about how a relationship should be like, there is nothing but disappointment and pain in your future. You may find someone that you care about but how long will it last when you are constantly fighting, criticizing, and nitpicking your partner. Another thing you need to think about is your happiness and that of your partner. If you both set your goals so high that they are unattainable and have expectations that are unreasonable, I don't see how you two are possibly going to get anywhere and you are going to start to have regrets and before you know it you are going to be going at each other trying to assign whose to blame for failing to reach your common goals.
I believe that each relationship has to have reachable and realistic goals in order for contentment and happiness to be attained and maintained. I also maintain that if you have inflexible and rigid expectations you are never going to be satisfied with anything that you have or will gain, it is further going to push your goals into the realm of unreachable. It is important to understand that your expectations on a situation, affect the way you plan and reach for your goals. Often you have a preconceived notion that you base your feelings on and when a person doesn't live up to those expectations, you come down hard on that person. Your expectations are how you perceive something, it is the mental guide on which you judge everything. When your expectations are set so high, and you have an idea of how things should go, and they don't go that way, your reaction is going to be one of disappointment and anger.
We all go into a relationship with a preconceived notion of how it should be. When things don't live up to those expectation, the disappointment grows, and if your partner continues to fail to live up to your expectation, you start building resentments, and before you know it every little thing starts to irritate you. Your relationship becomes unstable and forward movement toward your mutual goals grinds to a halt. If you don't address it quickly and efficiently the everyday becomes routine and mundane, lethargy sets in and depression. The next thing you know you two are fighting all the time and the relationship crashes in a bitter and dreadful manner with feelings getting hurt on both sides.
In the entry I wrote about handling problems I stressed over and over again that you need to keep an open mind about things, you need to be flexible, adaptable and willing to change. You must be adventurous and willing to explore new options. It is important that your expectations be realistic so that you can set reasonable and achievable goals. I guess in a way I am trying to say that your goals and expectations must be aligned inside the relationship and without. You need to work together and accept each other for who you are. How can you say that you love someone in one breathe and then in the next try to change them, into what you think they should be. Because if you think about it, if the person does end up changing then they are not the person you were in love with any longer and in all actuality everything will have to change. Expectations can be brutal things that can tear a relationship apart.
Have you ever felt that for every one step forward, you take five steps back? If so that means that your expectations and goals are unrealistic and might actually be impossible to attain. You must adjust them accordingly before you finally give in to depression and throw in the towel. If you are a person that continually compares where you are at and who you are with to your past you are going to find that neither the place or the person live up to what you think they should. Memories are things that we polish up and idolize, and nobody can compete with a memory, so you constantly find yourself disappointed. No relationship can possibly withstand constant comparison to the past, further no goal can be reached if you keep living in the past and not moving forward.
I believe you that you need to take each person that you have a relationship with on their own merits. I do realize how hard it is to keep from comparing them to your exes, but if you continue to do it, your current partner is going to get the impression that you aren't over your ex and start to feel insecure, and if that happens there is no way possible for them to live up to the ideal that you have in your mind of the perfect companion. I think you may also find after several failed relationships that what you had once thought of as the ideal relationship doesn't actually exist at all. That you have been fooling yourself, and pushing people away from you because of your constant comparisons to your past, and because you are so set in your ways that you can't share your life with another person. I also think that your current partner is going to begin to feel a certain way about themselves and you. They are going to begin to feel that nothing they do is good enough for you, and that you just want more and more. They begin to feel stress and anxiety about this because they are doing their best and apparently in your eyes it is not enough.
Any goal that you are trying to reach is going to be always just out of reach because you haven't learned how to appreciate what you have. If you don't learn how to be content with where you are at in life and appreciate what you have achieved then how can you truly be happy, and if you aren't happy with yourself how can you be happy with anyone else. All because of your preconceived notions and expectations you are going to drive yourself and others crazy, and before you know it you are going to be all alone wondering what you did.
I hope you understand that all I am trying to tell you that we each have certain expectations and ideas about how things should be done, and if we don't adjust our way of thinking we are going to continue to drive others away from us. Any goal we might possibly achieve is going to be disappointing and we are never going to be happy with what we have accomplished because in our minds we haven't ever achieved the place or thing that we truly wanted. You must let go of the past to move on to the future, you cannot have a successful relationship if you continually compare them to your ex, and you are never going to be able to keep anyone with you if your expectations are so high that they couldn't possibly live up to them.
I hope you can understand how I have been trying to relate how expectations and goals are tied together, and how one can damage the other, and how when not dealt with together can result in constant disappointment and loneliness.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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