Have you ever done something that hurt someone else but you didn't mean for it too?

I am sure we all have done something at one point in our lives or another that has hurt another individual but that wasn't the original intention behind the action.  So what do you do to make the situation better?  Honestly there may not be anything that you can do. The damage is done, the person's feeling are hurt, they feel betrayed, and their fragile trust has been injured or possibly even broken.  So how do you proceed and act?  The simple answer here is you might have to abide by their wishes and take a break from them and the situation for a little while. Give them a chance for the wounds to heal before you try and approach them again.  Because no matter what you do or say to mend the situation may just probably end up making it a lot worse.  I am sure that we have addressed something along these lines before.  Remember when a person is feeling hurt and vulnerable nothing you say or can do is ever going to be heard by that person. They are so focused on the pain of the incident that the extraneous information you are trying to rationalize or justify the action with is lost totally on them and they don't care. All they feel is the slight and hurt that has wounded them.

In most cases like this one I would say that time the great equalizer is what is going to either lessen the pain enough for them to be able to talk to you about it, or gives them enough room that allows them to heal and re-evaluate the situation.  However, keep in mind that some wounds might never heal totally.  They maybe scabbed over, and you coming around them might cause that to rip off and them once again to feel the pain and sting of the original incident.  Give the other person as much time and space as they need to heal and let them come back to you on their terms.  We all know how if a wound doesn't heal properly it can become infected and might cause greater complications down the road.  Word wounds can be just like that they can linger, and if they are left to fest or are continually irritated they can spread and cause a person to build up resentment and anger, and lash out at you at inappropriate times.  Let the other person heal, let them assess the damage done and let them decide if they can take the risk of coming back around you.

I know this is hard, you have a burning desire to make the situation better right away, you want to go in and explain yourself, defend your actions and prove that you meant no harm, that something was misinterpreted that your intentions were pure, but it isn't about you any longer. It is about them and the hurt they are feeling or the perceived injury they have experienced and was caused by you.  As I have said earlier trust is a very fragile thing, it is something that is built up between two people over time, and if it is hurt or injured in someway, it may never fully recover or heal.  Trust is not something that just happens, it take time and energy to nurture and grow.  So be very careful with it, treat it right and it will surprise you at it tenacity and capacity to forgive once the injured party has time to process and reflect on what has happened.  Time is the only true cure that can help someone.  Plus, you have to keep in mind that they might have been hurt like this before by someone else and your action caused an old wound to reopen, they might be dealing with that on top of the hurt that you unintentionally inflicted upon them.

Scars are funny things, they are not always visible but are always there, they are carried around and can reopen at any time.  Scars become a part of a person, some are seen, some are not.  They are what a person has gone through in their past and it has become a part of them.  When you except a person as a friend or more, you get the whole person, the good, the bad, the hurt, the scars, the baggage of the past, and only through exploration can you begin to discover how deep these old hurts and scars maybe.  You just have to be careful and be frugal with your heart and trust. It can be easily be betrayed without it ever meaning too.  But you also need to give the other person the benefit of the doubt.  They may not know you all that well, couldn't possibly have any idea of what you have been through or are going through.  Their actions might have seemed harmless to them, but caused you a great deal of hurt.  Sometimes, in the thick of things words are spoken that weren't meant. You may have to take sometime and divorce your emotions from the situation and come at it from a purely logical standpoint and truly assess the intentions of the individual.  Don't through a good friendship away on a simple mistake.

Both sides need to take time and heal. Both parties need to understand that the other person made a mistake that was all and no harm was intended .  No matter which side you are on, take the time to calmly and logically review the situation and make amends.  Don't let anger and resentment fester within, get it all out in the open, express how you feel and then, revisit the situation once everything has died down and you can come at it from a logical standpoint.  Life is too short to stay angry or hurt at a person you regard as a friend.  Take all the time you need, but I encourage you to reassess the situation, look at the damage that is done, and make amends.  No one is so important that they can't have more friends, and life is way too short and delicate to be angry at someone that truly meant no harm and didn't know that their actions were going to cause you pain.

Those of you who know me know that I don't have a mean bone in my body, I don't hide or harbor malice in my heart, and if my actions have caused someone else pain, then I am the type of person to try and make amends, try to heal the breach, and repair the damage that has been done, but sometimes it is out of our hands and we have to let nature, time and God work out the issue for us. Because nothing I do or say would make the situation any better and could possibly and quite probably make the situation worse I have to walk away and let time and God heal the wound.

Please keep this in mind, we cannot undo those things in the past, we can only learn and grow from the mistakes we make. The lessons that we learn through loss and pain are the ones that stick with us forever.  Be honest with yourself and you will be true to your heart. You know that each of us is human and that we all make mistakes and fall.  But handle that fall with grace and dignity, lift your head and get up again. Keep going don't give up.  Don't fall prey to depression, guilt and anger, because you know in your heart that harm or malice was never intended and the other party will learn that in time too.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

You know secrets come with a price, they aren't free not now not ever!

You know we have been talking a lot about life and relationships, but have you ever thought what the cost of a secret does to the relationship?  See it is true that secrets and lies are not free, they come with a cost, not only to you, but to the ones you love and the ones you are trying to protect.  With lies and secrets comes a certain air of mistrust and that puts a strain on the relationship.  You can't expect someone to trust you if there is something in the way of that trust and that is what secrets are. When you are secretive you start acting a certain way and others can tell that you are hiding something.  They begin to wonder what it is that you don't want them too know.  From there leads to speculation and ultimately they begin to doubt everything you are saying to them.  Curiosity is a trait that is not only confined to cats you know, human curiosity is something that never ceases.  Why do you think mystery novels are so popular.  Everyone loves a good mystery and they try to figure it out way before they ever know the whole plot.

Try to keep in mind that secrets have a toll on you too, they add stress and worry to your life, and once you start keeping them either by hiding them with lies or by silence, it starts to truly add weight on your shoulders. Once you start telling lies you have to keep telling them in order to keep them hidden.  It becomes a never ending task and sooner or later someone is going to catch you at it.  When they do there goes the trust that you have built up with them.  Life is too short to have secrets and lies in your life.  Especially if you are in a relationship.  How can a person really know you if you are keeping things back from them.  As I have always told you communication is the key and honesty is what is important.  Being honest not only to your loved ones and family, but you always need to be totally honest with yourself.  I know sometimes it seems easier to rationalize and lie to yourself, but at the end of the day you know what really happened and no matter how many lies you tell yourself it is not going to change the situation.

That is another thing about hiding the truth and lies, it ties you to them. How can you move forward if you are carrying around baggage of the past?  Lies and secrets keep you firmly rooted to a story that just isn't true and you continually are brought back to it.  You have to keep covering it up, and like I said lies upon lies is like building a house of cards, sooner or later one wrong move is going to bring the whole thing crashing down on you. Again, for your own peace of mind and that of the ones you care about you need to put everything out in the open. If you do that you will find that there is less stress in your life, and that if you stick together you can overcome any obstacle.  Like they say 2 heads are better than one. Don't isolate yourself and keep yourself from truly experiencing love with another person because of lies.  Secrets and lies are the same thing, believe me I know all about them.  I used to do Meth, and that is a drug that manipulates the brain.  Some people think more clearly on it and the lies they tell just to get the next hit or fix can leave your head spinning.  The trouble is most people can see through those lies and see you for what you are and what you are doing, but your head is so filled with the drug you never even realize.

Don't take the risk of being alienated by your friends and family because you are trying to hide something.  For years I didn't speak to my parents, because I was doing drugs, and was partying all the time, but also because I didn't want them to know what I was into.  They knew because my ex told them.  He told them when he thought I had gotten out of control. I was confronted by my mother, of course I denied it. It was my secret and I didn't want her to know.  Then I got arrested for possession, however, in that case I was telling the truth that it wasn't my stuff, however because my parents knew about the drug use and I had denied it, they didn't believe me. Luckily I got off of the charges, but it isn't something that I am willing to go through again.  Hence the reason why I put everything out on the web. I have nothing to hide anymore. I have come to far and lived through too much to go back and start hiding who I really am now.  See the truth of the matter is when Sterling and I were dating he and I did way more drugs than we should have.  We were doing so much that others couldn't believe it.  It wasn't a proud time of my life let me tell you.  When we both came to realize how much we were really doing and how utter ridiculous we had been, and what risks we had taken, we both cut way back, but hadn't quit entirely.

Then later on it started coming to light to everyone around us about how much we did. It was even thrown in my face a couple of times by a number of people that I had gotten so many people hooked on the stuff.  Do you know how scary it is to find out that you were responsible for hundreds of young men shooting up Meth?  Over and over again I hear how "oh, I know Bryan, he was the one that taught me how to slam"  That is not a fond reputation that I like having.  I was always safe, made sure that people knew what they were doing and how to mix up the stuff.  I also stayed with them and provided them a safe place to do the stuff, but that isn't the point. The point is I may have ruined a great many of lives just by teaching them slamming.  Meth is not a drug to play with lightly, it is not physically addicting like heroin, it alters the brain, and is a mental addiction that is extremely hard to break. You can be away from it for years and still think about the feeling, you still get the longing for it. I don't know how else to explain, but it is true. I don't think you ever truly escape it's grasp.  But as I have told you in the past, you can't escape your past! What was hidden and done in the dark always comes to light!

I cannot change my past, the only thing I can do is try to make the right choices in the future and move forward.  I have to let go of the past no matter how hard that is. One of the reasons why people hold on to the past is because they tend to remember it better than it was, and they view the present harder than it really is.  It is always nicer to compare what is happening in our lives with the past, we have a tendency to make it out that things were better back then, but in actuality they were probably pretty much the same.  The difficulty level only changes when we learn to change the way we look at things.  We have a tendency to make up stories and hide the truth of things when we are not satisfied with what we have or where we are at in life.  What happens then is that the lies spin out of our control and before we know it you are defending something that isn't real.

Life is what we make out of it, as I have told you before. If we constantly embellish, lie or be secretive about ourselves how can we expect anyone to ever get to know the real you?  How can you honestly find someone that can love you?  Do you want to be alone forever?  I know that I don't.  Even now I am hoping against hope that someone will find me and love me for the person I am.  I used to live a life of lies and deceit but now I put everything out in the open for the world to see. I don't have any secrets to hide. I have lost too much in my life because of lying and secrets. I want to be free of that and find love and happiness.  Which if you refer back to my earliest post you know that I know that happiness is found within ones self.  But I also think that you can find happiness in another person. One that makes you better than you are and inspires you to do more than you have before.  That is the type of love I want.

Do yourself a favor, when you meet someone new that you are interested in, be yourself, your true self.  Don't embellish, make up stuff to make yourself look better.  Just be who you are.  Be sincere and genuine.  I honestly think you will be much better off for it.  Secrets and lies cost so much and will damage your relationship way faster than anything else.  Be honest with yourself and the other person.  Earn their trust and respect. Be their friend and confidant and trust me everything else will fall into place.

Try and remember that no secret is ever free, not now not ever!

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B