A friend of mine called me tonight and we talked for quite awhile and during the conversation something was said about my ex saying something about me to his ex. Now you know how things go, especially in the gay community with the "He said, She said bullshit" and I should probably blow this off. However, what was said touched a raw nerve in me and the words cut into me very deeply. Now, I have been trying to work things out between my ex and I , and I know that this thing that was said was done while we were not together, but it totally wasn't true, and if my ex really cared about me and knew my history he would never have made such a statement. Cher said it best "Words are like weapons they wound sometimes!" and that is a true statement.
When you are wounded by words, your faith is shaken, your trust in people is warped and you feel altogether vulnerable. Even if you defend yourself against what was said there are going to be some people that are going to give credence to what has been said about you because of your objections. See, I learned from a really smart woman that if you disagree, you give credence to the allocations against you. In her last interview Jacqueline Kennedy Onasis was asked about all the biographies that have been written about her, and the apparent discrepancies about her life. Her reply was this "Why should I defend myself, I was there and only I know what truly happened, and if I voiced out and disagreed with them, some of the people would think that I had something to hide and defend upon, but if I keep quiet only those who were with me and I alone will know the truth and that is enough for me."
Very wise words from a very wise woman, see given her experiences and suffering that she went through she realized that by denying and putting up a defense against what was leveled at her and her life would just make people have a doubt about her. But, by keeping quiet she took her secrets to her grave and the truth of her life unvarnished in the eyes of the public. It is my hope that I can be as strong and wise as her. Because you see words can cut, slice, shred and tear at ones heart and soul, and even time and distance only causes the hurt to scab over. At sometime in the future a word or series of words will bust that wound wide open again.
Some of the time words that are said are said as weapons, filled with anger and hurt themselves and I think that is what gives them the power. At other times, even a casual word between two friends can be taken the wrong way and cause pain. Yet, another way is when something is told to another person behind your back and it was never intended to get back to you. Either the person making the statement never thought you would hear it or they were trying to impress someone else at your expense, or worse yet, they were using you to manipulate a certain situation to gain favor. Whatever the case may be the truth of the matter is that words do hurt and wound not only the heart, but the mind, body and soul as well. Word can be cruel and bitter, they can do a great deal of damage, but the reverse is also true, a well timed kind word can build another person up and make them feel so good about themselves.
Please think about the words you carelessly throw out, because words have power and can be used to destroy or fortify a person depending on the way they are used. Take into account the source of the where they are coming from, and whether they are said out of anger or of love. As I pointed out earlier if the words are full of anger and hurt, they are going to wound you deepest, but you must remember that they were said in the heat of the moment, and when things calm down they may be quickly taken back by the person who said them. However, you must keep in mind that you may have said some things in return that were just as spiteful and hurtful as they said to you, and "I'm Sorry" only goes so far, and if used too many times, has no power at all.
If we repeatedly endure the same types of words, filled with anger, hate, and spite, telling someone you are sorry afterward, the person is going to stop accepting them, stop believing them, and become immune to them. If you are truly sorry after everything has been said and done, and you have learned something about yourself and truly are sorry and seeking forgiveness, you are going to have to show them you are sorry, you are going to have to prove to them that you have changed and that you aren't going to abuse them with your words anymore. This is a long, long process, and as I said before may never fully heal. Now everyone fights, and gets angry, they lash out and say things they don't mean in the heat of a fight or argument, and that was what I was talking about when I said that you have to take into account where those words are stemming from, you have to remember the situation, because both of you may both regret the things that were said and the healing process will be that much quicker and smoother if that is the case. But, no matter if what you are not the only victim here, in a battle of words and wit neither of you are the winner, you are both the looser's, and the victims, because both of you have said things and done things to hurt one another. The only way to reconcile is if you both are sorry and regretful of what was said.
Don't casually throw the word I am sorry around, because the more you use it the harder it is to convince others of their sincerity. You may end up causing more damage with a half-hearted apology, and might never be able to reconcile things with them again. When you care about someone and you have heard that they are talking about you behind your back, spreading lies, rumors or whatever the case maybe, again I ask you to consider the source, and if that person is reliable, you should go directly to the person that supposedly said the things about you, confront them, but come at them in a caring and concerned manner. Don't come in hostile and upset because you are only going to isolate and alienate them and automatically they are going to be on the defensive. Take the time to cool down, let the hurt subside a little and bring it up in casual conversation at some later date, when you know your temper isn't going to flare. If you come across this way you most likely will avoid causing a fight and making the situation worse. No one ever likes to hear that someone has been talking about them, and that they things being said are totally untrue and fabricated. They hurt, and you are wounded and you want to find out right away why they have said what they have, but trust me if you take the time to think about what was said and divorce your emotions from it, you can come at it without causing a fight and hurting each other more.
I started writing this because I heard from my friend that my Ex-boyfriend told his boyfriend that I had intentionally tried to give them Hepatitis C. Now, I had called my ex, to tell him that I was diagnosed with the virus because we had been having sex for several months together and I was concerned I might have passed it on to him. Now, I haven't been sleeping with my friend or his ex so there was no way I could have given it to them. So what could have possibly made my ex tell his ex that stuff, and then it dawned on me that either he thought that I may have given him a tainted needle or shared one with them, or worse yet, that my ex had been sleeping with his ex and that could have passed it on. However, after starting to write this entry, I started thinking about the situation more closely and I figured out what the problem was and which of the two scenarios mentioned above it could have possibly have been. Now, mind you I had tried to call my ex and talk to him, and sent him an email asking him to contact me because I was told something that needed to be cleared up. But, now that I have been writing this and my emotions over the situation are gone and I know why what was said was. It all makes sense and I am going to spell it out for you here. I have no shame and nothing to hide, so forgive me as I tell what I do know and why I was slandered in the way that I was. Sometimes a person will say something to someone else in an attempt to save face, and cast blame on another person to throw off suspicion. I honestly believe this is what was attempted here.
Mark which is my friend Gavin's ex, and Bobby which is my ex have been partying together, and apparently have had sex. Even though both Greg and I have been told that it never happened, but the stories don't add up, and at this point it doesn't matter because we were all single at the time, however both Greg and I were trying to get back together with Mark and Bobby, so I am not sure how this revelation is going to affect Gavin and Mark, but I am going to let this go. I love Bobby and I want to spend my time with him and I want to get to know the real Bobby, so in order to do that I am going to have to chalk this little rumor up to the game and then rest it. Because it isn't worth me getting worked up about or ruining any chance I may have of working things out with Bobby. See anyone who knows me at all would know that I would never intentionally give anyone anything, because that is one of my biggest fears and concerns. Further, I would never intentionally share a syringe with anyone trying to make them ill. I would sterilize it and clean it if there were no other options, as I have always done, I used to clean and sterilize my own before use because of what happened too me.
So now, that I opened the can of worms I am going to explain to you how I know what I know and figured out this little situation. First, let me continue with my story, in the July of 2006 I had a birthday party for a friend and it was the first time I had ever slammed. Which means shoot up meth. I had always been against trying it because I was afraid of needles, but once I experienced it, and the difference in the high and the length of time it lasted, it quickly became the preferred way for me to do the drug. However in that first time was the mistake, because the syringes used between me and partner at the time were switched and I was given HIV, and it was done intentionally by another person. So you see me doing that to someone else would be out of the question. Anyhow, after Gavin and I got off the phone last night I realized that just a couple of months ago, shortly after the time I found out that I had Hep C and had told Bobby that I had it, he confided in me that he had syphilis, and recently I found out that Mark had given Gavin syphilis around the same time period, and I was on the phone with Bobby when he was going over to hang with Mark and party, they were supposed to call me back but I didn't hear from Bobby for a couple of days. Putting the time line together after talking with Gavin made me realize that Bobby and Mark had been having sex and that is how Bobby got syphilis. It also dawned on me that Bobby might have been afraid of giving Mark Hep C so told him that I may have given them tainted needles. Now I am sure Mark doesn't think that because Mark knows my history and my fears about that, he also lived with me and knows how meticulous I am with syringes and how they have to be cleaned and bleached even when I am just throwing them away, and how they have to be put in a container so no one can get stuck accidentally and so forth. But, for it to come to Gavin like that really hurt me.
Now I have told you that I am going to let this go and that I am not going to pursue this any further then this blog entry, and I intend to stick with that. But, I hope you can see how casually throwing around words can hurt someone, and if what Bobby had said was to anyone else, who didn't know my history, wasn't my friend, you can see how differently this could have gone and how dangerous the words were. I was hurting last night, and like I said feeling betrayed and devastated, but now that I have had time to think about things and figure out some of the lies that have been told to me. I realize that a secret was trying to be buried at my expense. I am not sure if Bobby and I will ever get back together there are other circumstances that are standing in the way, if it doesn't happen it will not be for the lack of me trying and won't be because of this questionable act.
I know that words hurt, they have power, and now you should too. Be careful what you say, how you say it, and mind the tone and manner in which it is said. All of these variable make a kind word into a damaging one. Remember the pain a word can cause is as real as a knife wound, and they may never actually heal properly, but they can be gotten past. Don't let your hurt and pride make you lash out on someone, divorce your feelings from the situation and come at it from a different angle so that it is non-threatening. Above all else be mindful of how and how often you use the words "I am Sorry" because as I have said they become meaningless the more they are used. Learn how to forgive, never forget, and move on. You will be that much happier in the long run when you can do that.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Showing posts with label destroyed. Show all posts
Showing posts with label destroyed. Show all posts
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
If these walls could talk....what would they say?
Today's introspection revealed to me that I feel alone even when I am with other people. This is something that made me want to think about it just a little more deeply. We have talked about hurt, masks, defense mechanisms, the mind, the body, and a whole host of other things. But we really haven't discussed walls. Each of us builds up walls, protections to keep us from experiencing the pain associated with emotional hurts. In an earlier posting we talked a good deal about pain, and how it is the tool from which we learn and grow from. In that entry I talked about forgiveness, moving on, and how time can help heal these wounds. However, there are times when the healing process takes too long, the pain is still too fresh with us, so we construct emotional barriers, these barriers hold people at bay. In effect these walls tend to keep people at arms length, they cloak us in secrecy and hide us from exposing ourselves to situations which we perceive dangerous or hurtful.
Have you ever found yourself in a crowd of people that you know, they are all having a good time and you feel alone and forgotten? This could be a sign that you have built up barriers around yourself, that others find daunting and formidable, they have tried to get close, but you haven't let them or even given them a chance. You find it hard to open yourself up to others, you have a tendency to push people away when they start to get too close, and you refuse to open up about yourself and your past. You shy away from social interactions, you only like to participate in events when there are lots of other people being there. Exposing yourself and taking the chance to open your heart up to others may seem like such a frightening thing to you, but there are ways through this.
Now, I am not saying that emotional hurt and scarring are the only things that cause us to build up walls and barriers. There are other factors that can influence them as well, low self-esteem, low self-worth, mental abuse and ridicule, and so many more. Walls are mental defenses, they cannot be seen, but they can be felt by those that care about you. When you come to recognize them you will know that they are there and they are solid and impassible. They hide your feelings, thoughts, and most importantly they hide the real you. Dealing with issues of low self-worth, and self-esteem are probably the hardest, sometimes individuals seek counselling and other forms of outside help to find themselves. Introspection and honesty with yourself are the first steps toward understanding your need for these walls, and once you start to understand you can start to tear them down.
When I was growing up my mother and father kept telling me that I was useless, that I wasn't worth anything, that I had no talent, that I was going to amount to nothing and always be a nobody. After hearing these things for years, I started to believe them. Then I found myself in a relationship where someone cared about me, they showed me that I was beautiful on the inside, that I was attractive on the outside. They encouraged my writing and drawing, even singing and dancing. I was finally beginning to like myself, to realize that I had talents and that I could be important, and something happened. My friend contracted HIV in the early 90's and in 1996 he passed away. I was hurt, heart broken, I had friends that understood, they encouraged me and tried to help me through the hard times. Even my parents seemed to understand. But, in 1997 I met someone new, he helped me to leave my past, pulled me out of the loneliness that I was feeling. It was great at first, we moved to Atlanta and started a life, but after some time things in that relationship began to change. He too started telling me that I was nothing, even though I had gotten my Masters degree and landed a good job. He tore apart my self-esteem and my self-worth. It took me years to figure out why. But, in the process of this I lost myself, my direction and before I knew what had happened twelve years had gone by. I got sick myself, with cancer for the second time, I ended up losing most of my large intestines and had to have a colostomy bag. I even lost my job, my life started to spiral downward, I got lost in depression and despair. One day I looked in the mirror and really looked at the person that was staring back at me, and something amazing had happened, I noticed that I had lost weight, I looked almost like I did in high school, I was different.
It was on that day in June of 2008 that I realized that I wasn't ugly, that I was attractive, and I remembered that I had been someone important, that I had talents, and I had friends. It took a long time for me to rebuild my self-esteem, to actually come to like the person I had become, but it took even longer to find my self-worth. It wasn't till December of 2010 when my best friend from the 90's pulled me aside and actually confronted me and told me that he didn't know who I was anymore, that I had lost myself, lost my direction and that I was like a log just floating in the stream, going with the flow, no longer an individual. That I had become passive, and let people use me and take from me everything that I had built up. It wasn't until that very discussion that I realized that he was right. That I had stopped living my life, that I was merely existing, going with the flow, and that I had isolated myself from everyone with my walls and depression. It took me a long long time to fight my way back to the person I am today.
Walls are built when we refuse to let anyone close because we are afraid of getting hurt or let down, or because of how we have been treated in the past. Tearing them down can cause us to go to the opposite extreme. We have a tendency to overcompensate and when we do we fall into another pattern of behavior. In my case I went from being entirely closed off to way to open. My father jokes with me that I have never met a stranger, within five minutes of meeting a new person they know my entire life history. This of course isn't necessarily a bad thing, however, as some of you may know I am have a problem with my emotions and holding them in. When I am hurt I laugh it off, when I am aggravated with someone I make pointed jokes or comments. Most of which are funny and the person never gets the hint that they have done something. Now this is the core problem I have built up walls around my heart, I hold in my pain, frustration, anger and every other emotion behind my walls, and I have perfected my mask so well that most people never know until I explode that something is even building inside of me.
In most cases walls protect us, keep us from getting hurt, but in some cases like mine they are more detrimental because they keep us from ever truly getting close to another person. Hell it took me a full relationship of three years, to realize that I was really attractive again and that I could have someone interested in me. I really messed up that relationship because I didn't believe that he loved me, I couldn't open myself up to him like I should have, I kept my feelings and emotions bottled up inside, and I surrounded myself with a whole bunch of other people so that I didn't have to deal with the things that I was feeling. The relationship ended very badly, though today we are friends and hang out with each other, and we talk about serious things. I think that maybe one day we might even be able to pick up the pieces of our broken past and rebuild something. But I still have more to uncover about myself before that can happen.
Avoidance is another wall that can cause issues. Always looking the other way, avoiding conflict and confrontation, and when you do that you open yourself up to be taken advantage of. People take your kindness for weakness and they try to use you for whatever they can get out of you. If you don't stand up for yourself and stop the problem, you will soon find that no one else is going to either. You have to look out for yourself or expect to be used and hurt. Walls, can lead to isolation, loneliness, depression and despair. Sometimes you just have to take a chance and open yourself up. In other words, when you fall off the bike get back up and try again. Don't let a silly thing like fear keep you from loving and being loved. Tear down your walls, look deep within yourself and really understand what has hurt you, what are you protecting yourself from and work from there. Don't push people away and lose your chance for love.
Remember it is never too late to start this process. Look at me I am in my 40's and I am going through it. It took a long time to truly understand my hurts, to get myself back into a position that I can stand on my own, I am not dependent on someone else to make decisions for my life. I can do it all on my own. I am not saying that I am anywhere near finished tearing down all the walls around my heart and mind, but I have come a long way. It took me sitting down and writing and talking to everyone in my past, to tell them that I appreciated them and cared for them, that I have recognized the mistakes that I have made and that I saw the sacrifices they made for me. In other words, I attempted reconciliation with each and every friendship, relationship and family member in my life. I also searched deep within me to remember how I felt when I was in those hurt situations, and came to terms with them. I forgave, but didn't forget about the incidents. Now when I look in the mirror, I don't see the fat person staring back at me anymore. I see me!
If my walls could talk they would tell you that here you have a kind and sensitive man, who has a loving and huge heart that wants to help and love everyone, but he has been used and abused by so many people that he is scared and skeptical about opening himself up to anyone. Who isolates himself because he doesn't know how to tell people when he is hurting or angry, a person who wants to be everyone's friend and yet doesn't know how to move slowly. He is a person who goes from one extreme to the other, not knowing how to vary how open he is to those around him. A man who has a tendency to make himself from savior to victim, and helps those who victimize him do it. I know this about myself and I am working daily to tear down the obstructive walls and replace them with constructive walls, to learn moderation and above all express to others how he is feeling at all times. To show emotion, love, passion, and caring sensitivity to the ones he really loves and cares about.
So if your walls could talk what would they say about you? Working through the issues of your life may be beyond your ability to deal with, if you find that you cannot work them out for yourself, I suggest you talk to a pastor, counselor or even a life coach. Take back your life it is yours, and guess what you do deserve to be loved and be able to return that love. You are worth something, you are important, you are unique, and you can never ever be replaced.
God loves you, I love you, your family loves you and there are so many others out there that want to love you, you just got to give them a chance. It is time for you to make a change in your life. Don't let yourself be defeated by your defenses, don't let you past dictate how you are going to live your future. Above all else make sure that you are totally honest with yourself, and express your feelings to others. One last piece of advice here. No one has the power to make you feel anyway about yourself that you don't want to feel. You are your own individual with your own style and personality. If someone makes you feel guilty or makes you feel uncomfortable about how you dress, how you feel, anything at all, that person has too much power over you. Take your power back. You shouldn't care what other people think or feel, that is on them. I am not saying listen to what they have to say, but remember it is only their opinion. Which everyone has like assholes! You must be you and be comfortable with who you are. Live your life for you because no one else is going to live it for you. Watch your own back because despite everything no one truly has your interest at heart but you, and only you know what that is.
Each new day is brand new, a clean slate, there are no mistakes in it. You must wake up and be glad that you did, fight that depression and anxiety you feel. Put on your PMA (positive mental attitude) and march to your own drum, express yourself in your dress, you hair and attitude. Then go out and screw up your day anyway you can and have fun doing it, because guess what tomorrow is another new day and you can do something totally different and unexpected. Walls are made to protect us, not keep us captive, which is what ends up happening. Tear them down find someone to love and build something new and positive together.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Have you ever found yourself in a crowd of people that you know, they are all having a good time and you feel alone and forgotten? This could be a sign that you have built up barriers around yourself, that others find daunting and formidable, they have tried to get close, but you haven't let them or even given them a chance. You find it hard to open yourself up to others, you have a tendency to push people away when they start to get too close, and you refuse to open up about yourself and your past. You shy away from social interactions, you only like to participate in events when there are lots of other people being there. Exposing yourself and taking the chance to open your heart up to others may seem like such a frightening thing to you, but there are ways through this.
Now, I am not saying that emotional hurt and scarring are the only things that cause us to build up walls and barriers. There are other factors that can influence them as well, low self-esteem, low self-worth, mental abuse and ridicule, and so many more. Walls are mental defenses, they cannot be seen, but they can be felt by those that care about you. When you come to recognize them you will know that they are there and they are solid and impassible. They hide your feelings, thoughts, and most importantly they hide the real you. Dealing with issues of low self-worth, and self-esteem are probably the hardest, sometimes individuals seek counselling and other forms of outside help to find themselves. Introspection and honesty with yourself are the first steps toward understanding your need for these walls, and once you start to understand you can start to tear them down.
When I was growing up my mother and father kept telling me that I was useless, that I wasn't worth anything, that I had no talent, that I was going to amount to nothing and always be a nobody. After hearing these things for years, I started to believe them. Then I found myself in a relationship where someone cared about me, they showed me that I was beautiful on the inside, that I was attractive on the outside. They encouraged my writing and drawing, even singing and dancing. I was finally beginning to like myself, to realize that I had talents and that I could be important, and something happened. My friend contracted HIV in the early 90's and in 1996 he passed away. I was hurt, heart broken, I had friends that understood, they encouraged me and tried to help me through the hard times. Even my parents seemed to understand. But, in 1997 I met someone new, he helped me to leave my past, pulled me out of the loneliness that I was feeling. It was great at first, we moved to Atlanta and started a life, but after some time things in that relationship began to change. He too started telling me that I was nothing, even though I had gotten my Masters degree and landed a good job. He tore apart my self-esteem and my self-worth. It took me years to figure out why. But, in the process of this I lost myself, my direction and before I knew what had happened twelve years had gone by. I got sick myself, with cancer for the second time, I ended up losing most of my large intestines and had to have a colostomy bag. I even lost my job, my life started to spiral downward, I got lost in depression and despair. One day I looked in the mirror and really looked at the person that was staring back at me, and something amazing had happened, I noticed that I had lost weight, I looked almost like I did in high school, I was different.
It was on that day in June of 2008 that I realized that I wasn't ugly, that I was attractive, and I remembered that I had been someone important, that I had talents, and I had friends. It took a long time for me to rebuild my self-esteem, to actually come to like the person I had become, but it took even longer to find my self-worth. It wasn't till December of 2010 when my best friend from the 90's pulled me aside and actually confronted me and told me that he didn't know who I was anymore, that I had lost myself, lost my direction and that I was like a log just floating in the stream, going with the flow, no longer an individual. That I had become passive, and let people use me and take from me everything that I had built up. It wasn't until that very discussion that I realized that he was right. That I had stopped living my life, that I was merely existing, going with the flow, and that I had isolated myself from everyone with my walls and depression. It took me a long long time to fight my way back to the person I am today.
Walls are built when we refuse to let anyone close because we are afraid of getting hurt or let down, or because of how we have been treated in the past. Tearing them down can cause us to go to the opposite extreme. We have a tendency to overcompensate and when we do we fall into another pattern of behavior. In my case I went from being entirely closed off to way to open. My father jokes with me that I have never met a stranger, within five minutes of meeting a new person they know my entire life history. This of course isn't necessarily a bad thing, however, as some of you may know I am have a problem with my emotions and holding them in. When I am hurt I laugh it off, when I am aggravated with someone I make pointed jokes or comments. Most of which are funny and the person never gets the hint that they have done something. Now this is the core problem I have built up walls around my heart, I hold in my pain, frustration, anger and every other emotion behind my walls, and I have perfected my mask so well that most people never know until I explode that something is even building inside of me.
In most cases walls protect us, keep us from getting hurt, but in some cases like mine they are more detrimental because they keep us from ever truly getting close to another person. Hell it took me a full relationship of three years, to realize that I was really attractive again and that I could have someone interested in me. I really messed up that relationship because I didn't believe that he loved me, I couldn't open myself up to him like I should have, I kept my feelings and emotions bottled up inside, and I surrounded myself with a whole bunch of other people so that I didn't have to deal with the things that I was feeling. The relationship ended very badly, though today we are friends and hang out with each other, and we talk about serious things. I think that maybe one day we might even be able to pick up the pieces of our broken past and rebuild something. But I still have more to uncover about myself before that can happen.
Avoidance is another wall that can cause issues. Always looking the other way, avoiding conflict and confrontation, and when you do that you open yourself up to be taken advantage of. People take your kindness for weakness and they try to use you for whatever they can get out of you. If you don't stand up for yourself and stop the problem, you will soon find that no one else is going to either. You have to look out for yourself or expect to be used and hurt. Walls, can lead to isolation, loneliness, depression and despair. Sometimes you just have to take a chance and open yourself up. In other words, when you fall off the bike get back up and try again. Don't let a silly thing like fear keep you from loving and being loved. Tear down your walls, look deep within yourself and really understand what has hurt you, what are you protecting yourself from and work from there. Don't push people away and lose your chance for love.
Remember it is never too late to start this process. Look at me I am in my 40's and I am going through it. It took a long time to truly understand my hurts, to get myself back into a position that I can stand on my own, I am not dependent on someone else to make decisions for my life. I can do it all on my own. I am not saying that I am anywhere near finished tearing down all the walls around my heart and mind, but I have come a long way. It took me sitting down and writing and talking to everyone in my past, to tell them that I appreciated them and cared for them, that I have recognized the mistakes that I have made and that I saw the sacrifices they made for me. In other words, I attempted reconciliation with each and every friendship, relationship and family member in my life. I also searched deep within me to remember how I felt when I was in those hurt situations, and came to terms with them. I forgave, but didn't forget about the incidents. Now when I look in the mirror, I don't see the fat person staring back at me anymore. I see me!
If my walls could talk they would tell you that here you have a kind and sensitive man, who has a loving and huge heart that wants to help and love everyone, but he has been used and abused by so many people that he is scared and skeptical about opening himself up to anyone. Who isolates himself because he doesn't know how to tell people when he is hurting or angry, a person who wants to be everyone's friend and yet doesn't know how to move slowly. He is a person who goes from one extreme to the other, not knowing how to vary how open he is to those around him. A man who has a tendency to make himself from savior to victim, and helps those who victimize him do it. I know this about myself and I am working daily to tear down the obstructive walls and replace them with constructive walls, to learn moderation and above all express to others how he is feeling at all times. To show emotion, love, passion, and caring sensitivity to the ones he really loves and cares about.
So if your walls could talk what would they say about you? Working through the issues of your life may be beyond your ability to deal with, if you find that you cannot work them out for yourself, I suggest you talk to a pastor, counselor or even a life coach. Take back your life it is yours, and guess what you do deserve to be loved and be able to return that love. You are worth something, you are important, you are unique, and you can never ever be replaced.
God loves you, I love you, your family loves you and there are so many others out there that want to love you, you just got to give them a chance. It is time for you to make a change in your life. Don't let yourself be defeated by your defenses, don't let you past dictate how you are going to live your future. Above all else make sure that you are totally honest with yourself, and express your feelings to others. One last piece of advice here. No one has the power to make you feel anyway about yourself that you don't want to feel. You are your own individual with your own style and personality. If someone makes you feel guilty or makes you feel uncomfortable about how you dress, how you feel, anything at all, that person has too much power over you. Take your power back. You shouldn't care what other people think or feel, that is on them. I am not saying listen to what they have to say, but remember it is only their opinion. Which everyone has like assholes! You must be you and be comfortable with who you are. Live your life for you because no one else is going to live it for you. Watch your own back because despite everything no one truly has your interest at heart but you, and only you know what that is.
Each new day is brand new, a clean slate, there are no mistakes in it. You must wake up and be glad that you did, fight that depression and anxiety you feel. Put on your PMA (positive mental attitude) and march to your own drum, express yourself in your dress, you hair and attitude. Then go out and screw up your day anyway you can and have fun doing it, because guess what tomorrow is another new day and you can do something totally different and unexpected. Walls are made to protect us, not keep us captive, which is what ends up happening. Tear them down find someone to love and build something new and positive together.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Trying to make sense a senseless tragedy
As the aftermath of the senseless shooting in Colorado settles down the media and the rest of us reel trying to make sense of a senseless tragedy. We look for answers to the question, "What could have motivated and educated and smart, young man to do such a thing?" I don't think we are ever going to figure out fully what motivated him or even drove this person do this. I am not sure even he knows, one station said that James Holmes claimed he was the Joker when he was being arrested.
It is hard to imagine an honor's med student, opening up fire in a movie theater and killing 12 people that he didn't know, had no connection with, and then warning police that he had booby trapped his apartment and rigged it to explode when entered. But, this is what we have a real life villain, who died his hair red to match that of the animated and on-screen villain, Joker.
I have even had texts from friends claiming that the movie franchise is cursed, that only death and tragedy follow the series. If that is true thank goodness that this was the third and final installment of this particular dark franchise. Now, the assertion that this franchise is cursed is based on coincidence and I honestly don't think has anything to do with the film at all. The first was Katie Holmes marriage to Tom Cruise ended and she was in the First movie, Heath Ledger who portrayed the Joker in the second movie died of a drug over dose and the third movie twelve unsuspecting people died going to see the movie. These and other rumors and stories are going around the world and the internet today.
It is our societies need to understand and wrap their heads around tragedies like this, our driving need to understand and comprehend why such actions were committed and how we can rationalize and justify all the deaths and murder that have occurred. I honestly don't think that we will ever come to understand the motivations of actions like these. They are violent, senseless, and doesn't seem to be any rationale behind the actions at all. All the questioning of the motives, and asking James Holmes himself, direct and pointed questions are not going to reveal any real information. As I said earlier, I don't believe he even knows or even understands what he has done, let alone will be able to explain his intentions or reasons behind this act. I believe that his mind is trapped somewhere between reality and fantasy, and that he couldn't distinguish his acts from those on the screen. He believed himself to be the villain Joker personified or come to life.
This tragedy could have escalated even further had the police raided his apartment and set off the traps that he had rigged for them. According to the report I read on ABC.Com there was enough explosives in his booby trapped apartment that would have destroyed the building he lived in and severely damaged the other buildings that surround his. More students and faculty at the University would have been killed and hurt, had he not warned the police that his apartment was rigged to explode. Again, I don't know what could have motivated his actions, I don't understand the mind that can rationalize and discard life so easily.
I think it is hard for the rest of us to understand and comprehend his motivations as well. Though we will take the next several days and even weeks trying to sort through this mess, and make sense of the senseless. We may never know the real truth behind this. What was going on in his mind as he committed these acts will forever remain a mystery. Even if he does talk how can we believe and accept what he is saying? There is no sense in the taking a life. There is no rationalization that can justify the behavior that was exhibited, and I don't think any for of punishment will be swift or just enough to handle a crime of this magnitude.
In my mind, this was an act of terrorism, pure and simple evil, unleashing it's deadly and frightening hatred on mankind. It was committed by a hapless, possibly lonely individual, not by a group, or religious faction, it was committed by a smart, educated young man, who quite possibly didn't feel like he fit in anywhere.
My heart goes out to the families of the victims that lost their lives, my prayers are with those injured and in the hospital. I also pray to the Lord for understanding in this matter, and that peace and closure can be granted those that are hurt and grieving because of this. I wish there was some way to understand and make sense of tragedy's like this when they occur, but I don't honestly think that their is ever going to be an true understanding, we might eventually discover the motivations, and infer the rationale used to commit these crimes, and we might even one day piece together a profile for James Holmes like have been done for other serial killers and murders, but I think the true answer lies locked deep within the brain of James Holmes and will never truly be all revealed.
There is no real way for all of America to make sense of this senseless tragedy that took place in Aurora Colorado. Please remember no matter how hard you try to understand why this happened and what could have been done to prevent it...the answer is NOTHING. No one could have known and all that can be done is now being done. I am sorry to say!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
It is hard to imagine an honor's med student, opening up fire in a movie theater and killing 12 people that he didn't know, had no connection with, and then warning police that he had booby trapped his apartment and rigged it to explode when entered. But, this is what we have a real life villain, who died his hair red to match that of the animated and on-screen villain, Joker.
I have even had texts from friends claiming that the movie franchise is cursed, that only death and tragedy follow the series. If that is true thank goodness that this was the third and final installment of this particular dark franchise. Now, the assertion that this franchise is cursed is based on coincidence and I honestly don't think has anything to do with the film at all. The first was Katie Holmes marriage to Tom Cruise ended and she was in the First movie, Heath Ledger who portrayed the Joker in the second movie died of a drug over dose and the third movie twelve unsuspecting people died going to see the movie. These and other rumors and stories are going around the world and the internet today.
It is our societies need to understand and wrap their heads around tragedies like this, our driving need to understand and comprehend why such actions were committed and how we can rationalize and justify all the deaths and murder that have occurred. I honestly don't think that we will ever come to understand the motivations of actions like these. They are violent, senseless, and doesn't seem to be any rationale behind the actions at all. All the questioning of the motives, and asking James Holmes himself, direct and pointed questions are not going to reveal any real information. As I said earlier, I don't believe he even knows or even understands what he has done, let alone will be able to explain his intentions or reasons behind this act. I believe that his mind is trapped somewhere between reality and fantasy, and that he couldn't distinguish his acts from those on the screen. He believed himself to be the villain Joker personified or come to life.
This tragedy could have escalated even further had the police raided his apartment and set off the traps that he had rigged for them. According to the report I read on ABC.Com there was enough explosives in his booby trapped apartment that would have destroyed the building he lived in and severely damaged the other buildings that surround his. More students and faculty at the University would have been killed and hurt, had he not warned the police that his apartment was rigged to explode. Again, I don't know what could have motivated his actions, I don't understand the mind that can rationalize and discard life so easily.
I think it is hard for the rest of us to understand and comprehend his motivations as well. Though we will take the next several days and even weeks trying to sort through this mess, and make sense of the senseless. We may never know the real truth behind this. What was going on in his mind as he committed these acts will forever remain a mystery. Even if he does talk how can we believe and accept what he is saying? There is no sense in the taking a life. There is no rationalization that can justify the behavior that was exhibited, and I don't think any for of punishment will be swift or just enough to handle a crime of this magnitude.
In my mind, this was an act of terrorism, pure and simple evil, unleashing it's deadly and frightening hatred on mankind. It was committed by a hapless, possibly lonely individual, not by a group, or religious faction, it was committed by a smart, educated young man, who quite possibly didn't feel like he fit in anywhere.
My heart goes out to the families of the victims that lost their lives, my prayers are with those injured and in the hospital. I also pray to the Lord for understanding in this matter, and that peace and closure can be granted those that are hurt and grieving because of this. I wish there was some way to understand and make sense of tragedy's like this when they occur, but I don't honestly think that their is ever going to be an true understanding, we might eventually discover the motivations, and infer the rationale used to commit these crimes, and we might even one day piece together a profile for James Holmes like have been done for other serial killers and murders, but I think the true answer lies locked deep within the brain of James Holmes and will never truly be all revealed.
There is no real way for all of America to make sense of this senseless tragedy that took place in Aurora Colorado. Please remember no matter how hard you try to understand why this happened and what could have been done to prevent it...the answer is NOTHING. No one could have known and all that can be done is now being done. I am sorry to say!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Immortality, symbolic isn't it?
I have been playing around with the thought of immortality lately. Ponce De Leon went in search of the fountain of youth, he wanted to live forever. He never found it but in a way he achieved what he was looking for. Immortality, his name is going to live on in history for his adventure and his discoveries. Though he was looking for a way to fend off Death, it inevitably came to claim him and he passed from our existence into the next. Movie stars, actors and actresses, writers, singers, politicians all in their own way become immortalized. It doesn't mean that they are still alive and with us. As a matter of fact many have passed on already, but their likeness or art is with us still. Whether locked in the written prose of words, that makes up a novel or book, or captured on celluloid which is film stock a part of them lives on in the world. I know this isn't what people mean by living forever, but it is a form of immortality. As long as someone somewhere remembers them, they are still with us.
Most people don't even realize that the life they are living is taking them on the path to immortality and living beyond their own lifetime. Some don't even get recognized for their efforts until after they have passed from the mortal life, yet some type of record of their life remains. Anne Frank was a young jewish girl whose diary has made her immortal and someone remembered in our world. Who is to say that your life is not important? Who can tell you that what you are doing today will not have an impact on the future that is yet to come? None of know, because life is but a fleeting thing. Our lives in the cosmic scale are but small blink of the eye in universal terms.
Some people go out and search for fame and fortune, others seem to be born into it. Where we all fit in is a great mystery. What makes one person successful and another not so successful? It isn't the lack of trying or motivation. It seems almost prearranged somehow. If you are not born here and into this family, you are just going to be an average joe. However, history is filled with average joe's who have made a difference and have ensured their own place of immortality. We know and are taught that no one person is better than another, that we all enter the world the same way and leave it too. What happens in between and the paths we choose are what divines us and gives us worth and character. It seems so very strange to be talking about this and trying to grasp and comprehend the meaning of it all. But one thing keeps coming to mind as I think about this. The human body is just an elaborate machine that is run by a highly sophisticated super computer, the brain. The body wears out over time and get tired and run down. However what runs the body is energy.
From physics we know that energy cannot be destroyed, it can only be manipulated and changed. Therefore, I believe that there is something more to life after this shell of a body gives out. Because if energy cannot be destroyed, then the energy of the body is what gives us life, and since it cannot be destroyed it must go somewhere or be transmuted into another form. Hence the theory of reincarnation has come to be. Reincarnation is the belief that when this body dies the spirit of the person is reborn into another form or person. Meaning that the energy that is used to power this body finds a new host or place to live in and life continues in a ever widening circle.
Each of us has the potential to live forever, it is all up to us. How we live our life's and who is left behind to remember us. Immortality doesn't mean that you are going to personally live forever, just some aspect of you will continue to exist in those that remember you. Keep that in mind the next time you meet someone new. You never know who meeting that person is going to affect your future and how well you are remembered by those you leave behind you.
Just something to think about and something I have been pondering on. I look forward to your comments and feedback. Lets talk about some of the topics I write about and get a discussion and dialog going. I hope you will join my blog and become a part of my ever increasing readership. I want to encourage you to take the time to reach out and talk to me. I want to hear from you.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Most people don't even realize that the life they are living is taking them on the path to immortality and living beyond their own lifetime. Some don't even get recognized for their efforts until after they have passed from the mortal life, yet some type of record of their life remains. Anne Frank was a young jewish girl whose diary has made her immortal and someone remembered in our world. Who is to say that your life is not important? Who can tell you that what you are doing today will not have an impact on the future that is yet to come? None of know, because life is but a fleeting thing. Our lives in the cosmic scale are but small blink of the eye in universal terms.
Some people go out and search for fame and fortune, others seem to be born into it. Where we all fit in is a great mystery. What makes one person successful and another not so successful? It isn't the lack of trying or motivation. It seems almost prearranged somehow. If you are not born here and into this family, you are just going to be an average joe. However, history is filled with average joe's who have made a difference and have ensured their own place of immortality. We know and are taught that no one person is better than another, that we all enter the world the same way and leave it too. What happens in between and the paths we choose are what divines us and gives us worth and character. It seems so very strange to be talking about this and trying to grasp and comprehend the meaning of it all. But one thing keeps coming to mind as I think about this. The human body is just an elaborate machine that is run by a highly sophisticated super computer, the brain. The body wears out over time and get tired and run down. However what runs the body is energy.
From physics we know that energy cannot be destroyed, it can only be manipulated and changed. Therefore, I believe that there is something more to life after this shell of a body gives out. Because if energy cannot be destroyed, then the energy of the body is what gives us life, and since it cannot be destroyed it must go somewhere or be transmuted into another form. Hence the theory of reincarnation has come to be. Reincarnation is the belief that when this body dies the spirit of the person is reborn into another form or person. Meaning that the energy that is used to power this body finds a new host or place to live in and life continues in a ever widening circle.
Each of us has the potential to live forever, it is all up to us. How we live our life's and who is left behind to remember us. Immortality doesn't mean that you are going to personally live forever, just some aspect of you will continue to exist in those that remember you. Keep that in mind the next time you meet someone new. You never know who meeting that person is going to affect your future and how well you are remembered by those you leave behind you.
Just something to think about and something I have been pondering on. I look forward to your comments and feedback. Lets talk about some of the topics I write about and get a discussion and dialog going. I hope you will join my blog and become a part of my ever increasing readership. I want to encourage you to take the time to reach out and talk to me. I want to hear from you.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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