Death comes for us all

Back in April my father found out that he had late stages of lung cancer.  By the time that they found the large mass in his lungs he had already developed 2 matastasized tumors in his brain.  Within a few days of finding out that he had cancer he was in the operating room and had brain surgery.  He recovered from that rather quickly and seemed to be getting stronger.  However, when I went to visit him in June he had started treatments and was feeling sick all the time.  I must admit that my troubles in Daytona with my car, and then my wallet and checking account plus being in and out of the hospital all the time didn't help his situation.  At one point he told me that I made his life miserable, why couldn't I just leave him alone and not make his death miserable.  I was hurt because my father is my go to person whenever I am having problems and he has been there for me every single time that I needed his advice or rescuing.  My step mother talk to me one afternoon after him and I had a fight and told me that the medication and the steroids they had my father on was making him angry and crouchy and that he didn't mean to hurt me.

However, in a way I think some of what he said to me that day was true.  Over the past 6 years my dad has had to rescue me or bail me out at least 15 or 20 times.  I got stranded in Atlanta, Ft. Lauderdale and struggled since my break up with Kerry.  My dad was there for all the problems that Dominic and I had and all the fighting that him and I went through. Dad had to come and get me several times when the fighting became physical.  My dad has been my rock and sounding board since I got sick in 2005 when he came to live with me and Joe and take care of me after my first couple of bowel resections.  It is hard to think of the man who has been there for me so much in the past to be down and out like his right now.  As a matter of fact his birthday is just a few days away and he is going to be 73 years old.  It makes me feel bad that the last summer of his life I made him miserable and had him worried about me and my welfare when his own health was hanging in the balance.  But the job of a parent doesn't ever end no matter what is happening.  I am just learning this now.

I hope that my dad gets better and is able to read this post because I want to tell him that I am very appreciative of all the things that he has done for me and that I am thankful for all the times he has been there for me and that I am going to be lost without him.  He is right that I never grew up and I don't know how to live on my own.  I don't know how to deal with people and that I am better off on my own.  Because I really don't have a clue as to what I am doing.  I am very intelligent but I don't have any common sense at all.  I was lucky when I met Joe Royer and I left Orlando and I went to Atlanta.  He was the stabalizing force in my life, he had the practical knowledge  on how to survive, and since him and I separated I have been drifting and struggling with people, emotions, and drugs.  I found my refuge in my high and I used it to escape the reality of my situation and my disability.

I have some growing up to do.  I have to figure out how I am going to survive on my own without having my dad as a safety net.  He was correct that I could take chances in my life because I knew that he was right there and would help me pick up the peices of my life if I failed or made a mistake.

Maybe I took that too much for granted, and didn't tell my dad as much as I needed to how much he meant to me.  Now that I am sitting here this morning I am really scared and wondering what I am going to do if he dies. I know that sounds silly and selfish and pretty childish, but honestly I have never truly been on my own,  all I had to do is pick up the phone and call my dad.  Last night when I was told that my dad was in the hospital again, and that he wasn't doing all that well, I got to thinking about how much he means to me and what it would be like to loose him.

Apparently, according to my step mother he has contracted a virus and hasn't been eating or drinking and has not been in his right mind in a couple of days.  He apparently doesn't always know who is around or where he is at.  He mistook my brother for my step mothers son, who is in Ohio and not close by at this time.  This makes me think back to the last few weeks of my friend Demario's life and how right before we got him to the hospital he was experiencing a similar episode and didn't remember leaving one hospital and being admitted at a different one.   My friend never recovered after that and was gone in less than 10 days.  I am hoping that this isn't the case with my father but I don't really know what to expect because this is my first time when I was extremely close with death.  When my grandparents died I wasn't anywhere near them and couldn't tell you how they acted.  But, I was there for Demario's passing and I know the struggles that he went through and I am seeing a similar pattern with my father.

I know that each of us has and allotted time upon the Earth and when it is our time it is our time to go.  That there is nothing that is going to change that fact, but there is still the hope that more time will be granted if asked for.  The mind and the body are incredible pieces of machinery that have the ability to adapt and overcome to a myriad of illnesses and disabilities.  The human brain can cause miracles to happen and heal wounds by sheer though power alone.  But I also believe in the healing power of prayer.  I believe that God has a plan for each of our lives and that He is the ultimate physician and can heal the body totally and instantly. 

I would ask all of you to keep my family, especially my father Bryan Zepp Sr. in your prayers.  Because I don't think that it is quite his time to go just yet.  I would ask for prayers of total and complete recovery and the lessening of pain so that he is comfortable.

Please do this for me.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B