What's done is done and I cannot change the facts. All I can do is face the results of my decisions and take responsibility for my actions. For several years I was an advocate and public speaker, volunteer and committee member of the PCHAP in Volusia county. I worked closely with a gentleman named Jeff Allen and he introduced me in to the world of advocacy and education. It is with a heavy heart that I am writing this tonight because on July 28th in a tragic accident Jeff lost his life and left behind his life partner and best friend Jim Geary. It is to my everlasting shame that I wasn't there for Jim or the other members of the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau through the loss of their leader and mentor Jeff.
In 2014 my life started to fall apart at the seems my lover Kerry Rutherford Jr. left me and went back to Atlanta, and from there I started on the downward spiral. What transpired in my life was not triggered by the my loss of my friend and partner alone, but I made it worse by my turning back to drugs and dependence on them to get me through the day. I was in and out of the hospital from 2014 to 2017 with chronic renal failure, Hep C and Renal Carcinoma and esophagus cancer. Financial issues and homelessness became a constant struggle for me and I soon lost the ability to volunteer and attend the duties that I had signed up for.
Jeff was there for me during these times, would come see me and talk to me whenever I picked up the phone and called him. Jeff, understood me and accepted me for the person I was with all of my flaws and all because he suffered from similar addictions and knew the battle that I was facing. I never saw sympathy or ridicule in his eyes only love, compassion and understanding. He always had a kind word for me and a smile and told me that I was welcome back when I got my life turned around. Unfortunately, my turning around of my life took too long and I have lost my friend and champion when he passed away.
I have finally gotten through my own recovery and I am healthy again, I won my battle with cancer and hep C and I have overcome the addiction issues that were holding me back. I wish my friend Jeff could have lived to see my victory. He was and is an inspiration to me and his story has helped me deal with my own issues and move forward with my life. I am so glad that I met him when I did and he helped me in so many ways. He was the one who encouraged me to write and helped me get myself together a few times over the past 7 years or so. It is my hope that I will be able to leave my imprint on this world in a loving manner that he did. I may not be the advocate or champion that he was, and I may not have made as many contributions to the HIV/AIDS community as he has done. But he encouraged me to write and to help others through my writing and I have continued to do that despite my struggles.
I can only hope that my life will be an inspiration and testimony like his was. He was a shining beacon of light and hope that drew others together to champion a cause. He was relentless and once started something fought for victory and would accept nothing less.
I cannot take back my actions and I have no way to change what has come to pass already, all I have the ability to do is continue forward and make positive changes in my life and help as many people as I can by following his example. When I see a need I need to address it in the appropriate manner and strive to make a permanent change in our world. Equality, fear and persecution are still things that we as a community are still fighting for and against today. Jeff had a huge heart and a loud voice that was heard around the world and throughout our community. I can only hope and pray that my voice will carry like his did.
As I stated earlier there are no take backs but there are areas for which improvement can be made and I would like to dedicate myself in the memory of my friend Jeff Allen to always fight for the underdog, advocate for greater equality and better funding and healthcare, housing and the needs of the HIV/AIDS community.
I am going to miss my friend more then ever. But I hope that I can do some good and effect positive change in this world.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you, Jeff, I hope that you are Mary are looking down and can see that you both impact my life in different ways, but have been the driving force behind many of my actions.
I am going to miss you my friends and I will see you soon.
Bryan
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