The New Year 2017

Well another year has passed me by, one that seemed to be less trouble than the years that have gone before. Oh how I wish that was true. But to my chagrin I spent so much of this past year in the hospital. There for awhile it seemed like I had a permanent residence right there in Florida Memorial Center.

2016 was a year that I am extremely glad to put behind me. It was a year that brought me in contact with the most unsavory of characters. People who would gladly claim they were your friend and then rob you blind. It was a year where I lost everything of value and taught me that things can get much worse then what they were. 

It was in 2016 that I turned 48, it was also the year that cancer decided to crop up in both my kidney and my lungs. When Halifax hospital turned me away and said that the cancer was too complex for them to handle and I was referred to the University of Florida hospital (Shands) for follow up and surgery. I also learned over again that I no longer want to do drugs anymore, that my life was worth more than a needle in my arm.

In 2016, I gave in to my suicidal nature and tried unsuccessfully to drug myself to an early grave.  I lost most of my good friends and became homeless. It became a time in my life for introspection and self evaluation which culminated in my decision that 2017 was going to be a time for change.  Daytona Beach is not the place that I want to stay much longer.

2017 rang in at midnight and I was safe at home reading a book and keeping to myself. My partner got out of jail Thursday December 29th, but he had no way to get in touch with me. I still haven't seen him and it is January 1st. I have talked with him and I have to say that December hasn't been nice to either of us. He just got out of jail on December 3rd he missed Thanksgiving then he was arrested on December 15th and missed Christmas. I spoke with him today via Facebook Messenger and found out that his grandmother had passed away on Thursday. I am sad that I am not there with him as he deals with this tragedy. But, he really hasn't tried to get out to where I am staying. I have told him that I am here for him if he needs me

This first day of the New Year has already turned out to be not so hot. I am thinking that it maybe one of those slow burn types of situations where everything just starts out but gets better as it goes along. Here's keeping my fingers crossed for that one. So let me tell you how 2017 has started for me. I spent time this afternoon with the family, told them of my upcoming trip to Gainesville to meet with the surgical and urological teams at Shands, how from this meeting a plan of care will be developed and surgery planned. Then I came back to the place I was staying took a little nap, read a book for awhile then the police came. Tonight was the night that they came and took my friend Lisa away. She had been trying to stay under the radar, but apparently they were looking for her and decided tonight was the night.

I feel bad for Ms. Millie to have to watch her daughter be taken out of the house and off to jail. Then she called and said that she thought that I had something to do with her being arrested. It makes me feel even worse that Lisa thinks that I had something to do with her getting arrested, she said while speaking to her mother that someone called on her. Told Ms. Millie to not trust me, and I have been the only one who has been trying to help out buying food and trying to make sure that Ms. Millie has been taken care of.

So 2017 may be off to a rocky start but surely it will start to get better for everyone.

I hope your 2017 is going good, no great, for you and your family.  May all your resolutions be fulfilled and your dreams be realized Happy New Year my friends.

God bless you and keep you.

As always you are in my hopes and dreams.

Uncle B

Perfectly clear? Or is it!

The answer are starring me right in the face and so why do I feel guilty and hesitant? How many times do I have to be pushed around kicked around and have my things broken? Before I say enough is enough?  For years I didn't know how to express how I was feeling. This became a real problem, because I was holding everything in, the littlest things would become issues and i would blow up and most of the time I would vent my anger on the wrong person.  So, I worked hard and eventually I was able to tell people how i felt, but like everything I do I ended up over compensating which also led to problems.  Because now i can tell you how I am feeling, so divorcing the logic center of the brain I allowed my life ti be ruled by my emotions.  Much to my dismay I have found that all thid did was allow others to walk all over me and hirt me.

Yet, I have finally reached my breaking point. In my 20's and 30's I had trust issues.  I let very few people close to me. I always expected that they would steal and eventually they would up hurting me very similar to my fears. Then somewhere around 38 I got really sick. I ended up losing my gall bladder and 1/2 of my stomach and my outlook on life began to shift. I began to feel that life is so very short and fleeting and I struggled to leave the past in the past and to live in the moment. This triggered another seeeping change I went from trustinh no one to give everyone the benefit of while searching for the goodness of human nature. Unfortunately only about 70 percent actually show human kindness and compassion.  The other 30 percent has hidden agendas and lives by falsehood and trickery. I'm always disappointed when I put my faith in to someone only to have them hurt me and reveal their inner nature. I have rationalized and lied to myself so convincingly that I honestly do expect them to change and then I feel even more violated and betrayed, yet the person themselves hasn't done anything wrong other than being themselves.

Now, combine these issues with the full empathy the it doesn't seem so much a gift more so a curse. Being able to read another persons emotional state does nothing to reveal their agendas, intentions or motivations. Sometimes these glimpses of anothers emotions so greatly masks deadly actions. I am once again working on myself trying to reach a happy middle ground between the two extremes. It is never too late to improve yourself.  If you are like me and have been hurt so many times you owe it to yourself to embrace the future strive to make the necessary changes that are going to protect you.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B

Another Sleepless night situation worse then ever

Last night was one of the worst nights for me.  Actually this month has really been bad all the way around.  I have someone in my house that is constantly destroying my things.  I thought by moving in a roommate the constant fighting would slow down and maybe even stop.  In actuality it just seems to have made things so much more complicated.  The frustrating part is that there is a part of me that cares about the person, but he doesn't have any respect for me or my things.  His habits make the situation that much worse.  He likes to pop xanax, but when he combines that with alcohol a fight ends up happening.

Tonight much to my distaste he was given alcohol and he was already under the influence of xanax.  Everything was fine till around 3:30 in the morning, I was watching a tv program, it was almost over.  He comes out of the bathroom and starts searching around for his weed.  He ended up kicking the coffee table and my marble morter and pistal fell on the floor and another piece chipped off.  All I said was please watch what your are doing and please don't stop breaking things.  This immediately started a fight and now the coffee table is totally destroyed along with many of my glass storage bowls that were sitting on the dining room table.

This arguement became physical and extremely violent, the new roommate was pulled into it and a heated exchange happened between the 3 of us.  The police ended up showing up when my roommate left and both me and the other person were talked to about the situation.  Because I care and don't like to see anyone put out on the street, but I told him he was going to have to leave.  That is when he told me that he wasn't going anywhere and that because he has been here longer than a month there is nothing I can do but go to the courthouse and start the eviction process.  Though tonight I learned something new, I could have had him arrested for the destruction of my property.  I did not press charges at the tiime and because he told the officers a completely different story and made it out that the fight was between him and my new roommate they wouldn't do even consider it a domestic dispute and take him out of my house.

My roommate came back about an hour later and told me that if I don't do something and have the other person removed from the house that he was going to move out.  Now, honestly I explained to him before he ever moved in that I was having these issues and the fights and needed his help in getting the other guy out.  Originally, I let the guy stay with me because the other people he was staying with were getting evicted and he didn't have anywhere to go.  I told him he could stay for a couple of weeks until he got himself onto his feet and could find somewhere else to go.  He refuses to leave, I was evicted from my last home because of him and me constantly fighting and I am very afraid that this is going to happen all over again.

I really wanted to help him, and feelings became involved and we started dating, but things have been on the steady decline since labor day when he destroyed some very expensive things which I am still currently paying for.  I told him tonight after everything calmed down that I still want him to move out.  I have never been good with confrontations and I don't like that the police had to become involved yet again. This time though I did have it thoroughly documented.  I have come as far as I can go.  Honestly he is the first person that I have tried to help that has totally and utterly failed in an epic way.  All I have ever asked for him to do was either get a job or go to school.  Do something to better himself and he has not made any effort to do any of these things. 

As hard as it will be, and no matter my personal feelings on this matter enough is enough.  I can't deal with living like this any longer.  He feels that he can talk to me and treat me any kind of way and I am just supposed to take it.  When I try to stand up for myself and my personal belongings he becomes irrate and out of control and ends up causing physical damage to property and personal possessions.  I am exhausted, I have had no sleep and I don't need this stress in my life at this point.  I have tried to reason with him. To talk to him about his attitude and anger problems, and instead of it getting better the situation has become unbearable.  So this morning I am faced with a series of choices and I am going to have to think about myself, I am going to have to be totally selfish, and I am going to have to give back a portion of what he gives to me.

I don't feel like I should have to do this but I have tried asking him to leave and I cannot get him to leave on his own accord.  My hands are tied and I honestly cannot afford to continue to replace the things that he breaks or the damage that he has done to the property that I am renting.  I am going to have to go to the courthouse this morning and I am going to have to file paperwork to start the eviction process and because of his violent and destructive behavior I feel that with my new cancer diagnosis I am going to have to get a restraining order issued against him.  Since he is not on the lease and because my health and wellbeing is at risk I am going to ask the judge to have him removed from my home since he cannot be within a certain distance of me.

I am torn up about this whole situation, and I really am not the kind of person that takes pleasure in doing any of these things, but I shouldn't feel uncomfortable in my own home.  I know that I am not a strong person when it comes to things like this, but I have to cut the ties, I don't like being treated this way, and because he will not leave rationally I am left with very few choices at this point.

My friend that I had move in to help me with the bills shouldn't be the one to move out, when the other person does absolutely nothing to contribute to the paying of bills or expenses.

Wish me luck, I feel like such a terrible person, but I guess this too shall pass.

All my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Dare to Do

Each and every one of us have particular dreams and desires.  There is something out there that we would love to be doing, however so few actually ever go out there and strive to make them a reality.  Procrastination comes in many differnt forms, worrying, fear, lack of understanding and knowledge, perfectionism are just a few that I can think of off the top of my head.  These little bity things can be very powerful and keep us locked in to place, and will definitely keep us from achieving our dreams and desires.  Dreams and desires are like a seed, they need the right soil to be planted in, they need the right amount of sunlight and warmth, the appropriate amount of water and care in order to flourish.  Once that seed is planted it needs to be nurtured and taken care of so that it can grow and bear fruit.  It is a process and once we get it down we can apply it over and over again, before long you will be able to cultivate and grow anything.

Trust me when I tell you that none of us knows everything it is truly impossible.  Everything in life is a process in which we must start off at the bottom and work our way up.  No one can come out of school and know everything there is to know about a business, and we all have to start somewhere.  The most successful company owners and CEO's started out at the very bottom and learned their business inside and out. Taking baby steps, learning the things they didn't know or understand, until they gathered the essential knowledge they needed to make it all the way to the top.  Dreams and desires are just like any other form of work, they require action, energy, the appropriate mix of soil, light and nutrients in which to take root and grow. Everything starts out as an idea, it has to take root and grow to fruition. You can't expect to know and understand everything you are going to have to take the necessary steps to teach yourself and learn the things that you need to know to become a success.  Once you get that seed planted and it has taken root and blossomed to the point of bearing fruit, you will soon realized that by applying the same process over and over again you will quickly be able to cultivate anything you set your mind too.

The idea here is that you can't sit around and wait for things to happen for you. Trust me things just don't fall in your lap fully developed, there are actions, energy and steps that need to be taken in order for your dream to transform into a reality.  But, nothing is impossible.  You just have to put in the work, energy, sweat and tears in order for it to become an entity itself.  If you don't apply yourself and work to make it happen it never will.  Every venture whether, dream, desire, goal or business needs to have the required amount of energy and work put in to in order for it to become a living entity.  So I challenge you to get up off of your butts, learn what you need to, take the steps necessary and just do It!  Because if you are just waiting for it to be handed to you and think that you don't have to work for it, guess what it will not happen, nothing will.  Nothing ventured nothing gained.

Every dream and desire starts out in someone's mind.  To become a viable and living thing the appropriate planning and work must take place before it can even be initiated.  Once you have initiated it, the hard work then begins, because you have to figure out each and every single step that you will have to take in order to achieve the desired result or outcome.  Very similar to a project management work flow.  First comes the planning stage, then the initiation stage, then the development stage, which results in a product(dream, goal, desire) which can then be implemented and used.  From there you have to work to maintain it and  nurture it to keep it growing and adapting to whatever the needs become around it.  See just in like life, dreams are constantly shifting, evolving, growing, changing and need to be just as flexible and adaptable as we are ourselves.  If not they will be short lived and replaced by something new.

Yet, if you never start, how can you possibly make it happen?  You can't, because in life the things that are too good to be true usually are. You can't expect that it will be handed to you and that you won't have to put in any effort, that is totally unrealistic.  Don't worry or be afraid because you don't know how to make everything work, that is part of the growing process, and you will learn the exact things you need in order to achieve the result, just remember those baby steps and keep learning.  Again, none of us knows everything, and we have to learn things all the time to keep up.  So why wouldn't the same thing be true about dreams, desires and wants?  Taking those small steps forward, one at a time, and learning the things we need to along the way are so very important, because that is what is going to make them enduring and long lasting. 

Patience is another crucial ingredient in Daring to Do, because once again you have to start at the bottom and work your way up. You need to understand that those things that are instant are not lasting, what we put our energy into are the things that end up lasting and working over the long haul.  If you expect immediately be successful and long lasting you have to understand the work and process that goes into creating a dream and turning it into a reality.

I know you have all heard of those get rich scams, right?  Guess what the only person getting rich quickly is the individual that thought up the scam in the first place and sold it to you.  They are taking your money and running off, it was their dream and desire to separate you from your money and they figured out a way to do it.  Take their example and figure out how to make your dream a reality and trust that you will end up making the money that you need.

Do it right, take your time, plan out every detail, incorporate the necessary steps, be patient and before long your dream and desire will become a reality.  Take it slow, learn everything you need to know and just Dare to Do.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Memories

As we look back across our lives it is amazing at the things that spring to mind. A simple song can evoke the sweetest memories, that can bring a brilliant smile to your face. Passing a  familiar spot can herald a bright spot in an otherwise dreary day. But memories are funny things,  they often become colored by time. Even the worst experiences don't look so bad after time has passed by.

Most of my friends seem to pass through life, never taking stock of the people, places and things that they encounter.  One friend said today that he keeps moving forward never looking back at anything. He feels that he can't keep up his forward momentum if he is constantly looking backwards.  While he has a valid point. I tend to think a little differently on a minor particulars.

Like most people when his relationships end, he keeps it moving. In almost every instance I can think of if a relationship ends there were issues that were the caused it to end. Those same issues are more than likely still be there if the person comes back into your life.  But,  that doesn't mean that you have to write that person out of your life totally.

True good friends are few and far between.  Each one of us don't have so many friends that we can afford to write any of them off. I have remained friends with the majority of my ex's, because the shared history that we have are what have bound us together and is the basis of our friendship.  There have been 1 or 2 instances where I have tried to rekindle a past relationship. But like I said earlier, there were issues that we felt so strong about that caused us to go our separate ways, and they always seem to crop back up.

Relationships that are founded on mutual respect and trust have a foundation that's worth investing time in and are the easiest to convert to a lasting friendship. It is important to keep in mind that every person that has come into your life was brought there for a specific reason. We grow and learn from each other, we have a need that the other filled in some fundamental way.

You may be wondering why in an entry about memories would I digress to talk about friendships and relationships?  The truth of the matter is that each and every person who enters your life touches you in a fundamental way, memories of these people, places and events are indelibly written in your subconscious which at some point become memories.

Memories are precious things and they evoke an emotional response when they pop in our minds.  Like I said at the beginning of the post time can make even the most terrible experience seem not so terrible when you look back.  Be careful because if you compare new experiences to a remembered experience you might think that the past was better and be unhappy.  Which just might make you think that nothing will ever be able to compete with your past and you might miss out on something truly remarkable.

People all around you see what you are going through and how you deal with life's situations and problems.  You might be surprised at how your actions and reactions to certain situations inspires and gives another a sense of hope and peace.  Beacause no matter what you are actually going through there are others out there going through something similar or maybe even worse and they see how you are handling it and it gives them that extra push to help them make it through.  Remember always that a casual conversation can take you somewhere that you never thought you would ever go.  Random encounters can inspire and give hope to others and who knows might bring someone into your life at the right moment to help you through as well.

Memories are not perfect and they are a snapshot of time from our own unique perspective.  Plus, keep in mind that someone else's memory of an event might not even be close to what you remember because each of us filter things differently and are truly seen from our own perspective.

Remember the good times, the in between times and the bad times, in the end as you look back over time you will be amazed at the things you have come through, survived and have learned.  These are pieces of shared history between you and whoever you were with and they can never be taken away from you.  If you are embarking on a new relationship try your best not to compare it to your past relationships, because one of you is always going to feel that they can't compete with the past because to them your rememberance focuses mainly on the good and positive times.

Everyone deserves their own chance, remember your past fondly, be proud of what you have accomplished and have learned, know that you have survived and been strengthened by each and every event.  Hold on to your memories share them when appropriate and find your true happiness within your heart and mind.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

True Prosperity

Many of us do not understand what prosperity means. To most they believe that prosperity is an abundance of riches, and is measured by monetary figures. So many struggle trying to get prosperous,  but never seem to ever get close. Lack of financial means is the major cause of unrest and stress in our daily living. This feeling that there is never enough to cover all of our expenses seems to drive everyone crazy.

The truth of the matter is that prosperity is a state of mind and a place of understanding.  True prosperity literally has very little to do with monetary things, and doesn't really have a quantitative unit of measure.  If you think back to some of my other writings you will start to get a better understanding of what I am trying to tell you.   Anyone can achieve the state of prosperity,  because it comes from a place of knowledge and understanding.  Much like happiness,  prosperity cannot be found. Because it really does not exist outside of our minds.

Prosperity and happiness are two things that can only be found from within ourselves.  So what do you think prosperity is? What is the definition of being prosperous? What is it that you can do to attain it?

Here is what I have discovered about prosperity and being prosperous. Prosperity is a state of being. A mindset that goes hand in hand with happiness and contentment.  This understanding is something that you continually have to work on.  Because it isn't a static state, it evolves and changes as you mature and grow.  Prosperity is the state of being one and consciously accepting your place in life with happiness and contentment  with what you have and where you are at in every state of your life.

There is nothing wrong with setting goals and striving to do better for ourselves. The problems start with the amount of pressure and anxiety we put on ourselves while trying to reach for our dreams and goals. We are our own worst critics. We seem to hold ourselves to a higher standard then we hold others too.  Disappointment often creeps in and we become depressed and discouraged. But let me remind you, you are not alone in your struggles. Everyone in the world goes through the same exact things. In this one case we are not so different from every other person in.  How you handle and deal with these things are what makes you different.

I know that I have often told you that life is a journey with many pitstops and rest areas along the way.  But, I learned that sometimes the road itself is the true destination.  See we are the sum total of all our experiences and it is on the path that we learn from our mistakes, rebound from pain and gain the knowledge and wisdom that helps us grow.  Life is not a stagnant thing it is constantly moving forward, evolving, changing and becoming something new.  Each experience gives us the knowledge and strength to change as we move forward in time.

So what are you supposed to understand about life and the long journey that you are on?  Well it is that as long as you make yourself happy, contentment and joy will follow.  You can be prosperous, happy, content live in the moment, don't stress your needs are always going to be fulfilled.  It is true that you are going to have to work on achieving the wants and the extra things in life, but that is what makes them so valuable to us, that is why we cherish them more.

Remember that happiness and prosperity are a state of being and a state of mind.  Take some time, think about the issues at hand and once you do I think you will see that they are not really mountains at all, just another lesson or stregthening tool that will help you get to the next place on your path.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

For you

Another day another time, when one season ends another begins, for with every ending comes a new begining.  If you do not reach out and do something for yourself you can't expect someone else to do it for you.  Have peace and confidence in all that you do.  Change is in the air, and before you know it you will be in another space.

Each season has it's own color and theme, life is colored by the grace and warmth that each new dawn brings. Nothing ventured nothing gained.  You cannot expect something to come from nothing, because nothing ever will. Listen to the sound on the wind and the song of the birds in the air.  Let their joyous melody free you from the mundane. 

Grow from love, because compassion and understanding given will benefit you more when it is returned.  Love hard and love long, because it will keep you strong.  Everything that you put out will be returned to you ten fold.  Trust and believe that everything that you ever need with be granted unto you.  The needs must come before the wants, if not nothing can thrive.

Balance all you do with tolerance and understanding because these are what makes you a stronger man.  Acceptance and peace are gifts that can be graciously recieved and given.  Be open and receptive so that you can grow taller and stronger.

Abide in truth and honesty so that others know you to be a stalwart guardian of peace and love. Integrity above pity, Trust before greed and faith in others should be you work of the day.

For in the end you can only grow if you learn to be trusting compassionate, truthful and strong. 

The future is full of change and hope for you.  I see it all the year long.

May God grant you fortune and prosperity, seek and find your happiness, time can be an enemy or a guide use it to your own advantage. Beware of those that seek to drag you from your path.  Stay true to your desires and keep your goal firmly in your mind.

Love yourself so you can show that love to others.  Do not fear what tomorrow brings because God is with you in all things.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B