I have been afraid more times in my life than a normal person should be. I have been facing death and uncertainty for many years, but never have I felt closer to death than this past month. I went through chronic renal failure 5 times in less than 7 weeks and I had nothing holding me up. People who I thought were my friends felt betrayed and abandoned by me and yet there was nothing I could do as my health continued spiraling out of control. From the constant renal failures, I developed hypothermia and have been freezing cold ever since. Once that started a severe blood infection developed in my heart that spread from my port in my shoulder. Which blossomed into a full UTI which triggered seizures, low heart rate, and constant black outs. For a month I remained in Intensive care and until today thought I would never see the outside world again.
This morning my doctor informed me that I was finally cleared to move to out of intensive care and go to a recovery floor. If progress continues as it has this weekend I will be able to leave Tuesday morning and for the first time in my life I am happy to say that I am relieved to be alive. I was afraid that I wouldn't be there for my parents who are both going through their own series of health issues and as they have been my rock throughout the many years of my illness I would like to be able to return the favor to them. As for those that I thought would always be my friends I am not sure exactly why there is such bad blood between us because I it really wasn't my decision to get seriously ill when I did or for how long as I was.
What my main fault is that I constantly want to believe the best in people. To believe that they are honest and just and I take them at their word. I should know better with some. I have given them chance after chance and they still screw up. They continue to beat on me, put me down and expect me to pull their ass out of the fire every single time they screw up. People never tell you their full intentions and they always have other motivations that are eventually revealed. I need to learn to harden myself against this misinformation and know that past behavior is a clear indicator of what the future may hold. I have to stop putting everyone before myself and learn that saying NO and sticking too it is okay.
My heart is heavy because even now as we speak many things have come to pass that have hindered my forward progress in both my physical and mental health. The last bit was the fact that my ex who wanted to get married and swears that he loves me with his whole being and wants to do the right thing and go to rehab, and get married is just telling me what he think I want to hear because he doesn't want to go to prison. But, I have come too realize that even though he has told me these words it is only because he is in Jail and that is the sad truth. He is not going to change and he is never going to love me the same way that I love him, and everything that I have done, I have done out of love and concern for his welfare.
If only he would be truthful and honest with me, tell me what is actually on his mind because here is the thing. I have lost everything repeatedly because of him and the night he was arrested he hit me so hard that I ended up having a concussion and yet he is telling me that he didn't mean it that it was an accident. But to have hit me 22 times in complete succession may have helped trigger this bout of bad health that I just came a through and might have caused some of the problems that I am continuing to experience. I am sad and a little frightened because he is possibly getting out of jail in the next couple of weeks and then my safety is once again on the line.
Life is an uncertain road and filled with many obstacles and issues. You shouldn't have to deal with abuse on top of it. If you are being battered or abused then the only suggestion I can give you is to run and run far and fast because they don't change. If they hit you once they will continue to do so, I believe it is an illness and they need help and so do you. I know one thing I can't go back to the situation I was in before I came to the hospital because I may not survive the next encounter with him.
Please understand that you are worth something and important to others in this world. You deserve to be treated with love, and respect and if they feel it necessary to get their point across by using their hands or force on you it really isn't worth it.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Sunday, March 10, 2019
Tuesday, January 15, 2019
Marching Onward with Time
You cannot hold back the hands of time, they march ever onward never stopping. Seconds turn to Minutes, Minutes to Hours, Hours to Days, Days to Weeks and Weeks turn to Months, Months to Years.
Everything has a progression there is no stopping the ticking of the clock, the hour hand moves inevitably towards tomorrow. Nothing can last against it's angry sway. Even month move into seasons and seasons into years and then starts all over again. It is an endless cycle that has no end.
No matter what you do the human body cannot fight against time, and aging takes place. Though it's passage is slow the evidence becomes apparent soon enough first comes the roll, then the wrinkles, the hair thins and grays, the lines deepen around the eyes. Nothing prepares us for this eternal march.
Life is full of events that make up episodes and those episodes play out into the span of months and years nothing changes the fact that time doesn't slow down not even a fraction, no matter what you do or try. Nothing has any permanence anymore, everything is made to break down and be replaced this is what the world has devolved to in the modern age.
But with every invention that eases the burdens of man, time is the great equalizer making all things the same. equal. No one can run the race against time and win, because the body will give out way before the clock on the wall stops its ever onward rotation. We have trained ourselves to celebrate these passing years as a type of victory, that marks the year of our birth. Nothing can take that away from us that small victory that we celebrate with each passing year of life.
Judge not what others do for they are playing out their own version of the same story that you are in. Though the characters change everyone of is fraught with a multitude of issues, everyone has them no one is exempt from them. How we deal with them and move forward is what defines us. But in the case of time, our bodies slow and break down but in most cases the mind stays nimble and alert. Looking out for familiar patterns and doing things that make our world unique and our own. Stop for a moment and look at the world around us and see what is taking place around you and you will be amazed at how other's lives parallel yours. No one is exempt from the tolling bell and we will all succumb to the numb darkness of death in our own time.
Nothing tells us the day or the hour in which we will pass from this world to the next but you can be assured that the clock on the wall is keeping track of every second that you remain in this plane. Nothing can change the fact that even though time was created by man to help them navigate the daily rotation of the sun around the earth it also helps us measure the path that we take daily. We use it to govern our lives and we come close to worshiping it. Because we each have things that we need to accomplish during certain parts of the day.
Years treat each person differently and nothing stays the same forever, each of us is just going through time floating like a ship adrift on the sea. There is no compass to guide us just the rotation of the hand against our brains. We have ingrained upon ourselves the necessity to abide by time and therefore it controls almost every aspect of our lives. We punch a clock when we work, we go to sleep at a certain time, get up and start it all over again. This is not how it is supposed to be. But we are human and need guidelines and rules to keep us going at a steady pace so that each day is fulfilled to the fullest, or that is what the majority of humanity thinks.
I don't care what anyone else thinks or believes, because no matter what the march of time might have done to me I am still here chugging along, and yes I am 50 now, but I still feel like I am in my 30's. Yes I have a few more aches and pains then I used to but guess what I don't look anywhere near my age and I am still able to get out and do all that I need to to get through the day, I don't have to punch a time clock and I still survive. I do things when the time is appropriate for me and not for others. I try to abide by the structure so that I can make to appointments and stuff like that but I will tell you other than that time hold real no meaning for me in this life anymore. Each day is a challenge and I start them all the same as a brand new slate with nothing etched in it and I can screw it up anyway that I want and I am content to live like that.
Dimly I am aware that time passes and I acknowledge that passing with a glance and a move forward, because with each new down is a world that is open to interpretation and new mysteries and adventures are to be had. I am not locked into a single way of life and I keep surprising myself with all that I get done in a single day. How is time treating you and how well are you holding up under the pressure of age?
Let me know I would like to hear your thoughts about this.
As always you are in my hopes and dreams,
Uncle B
Monday, January 14, 2019
Give and Take
I give and you take this is the story of my life. Or has been up till now, for years I was walking around invisible, the man behind the men in my life. I was taking care of the messes, the issues, the financials but I was behind the scenes. No one ever cared about my feelings, I was the one making all the sacrifices and the hard decision that needed to be made. I was essentially on my own taking care of everyone around me in ways that they didn't even consider. Now that I have reached the ripe ole age of 50 I am beginning to start a new chapter in my life and I don't want to be confined to the backseat role that I have always had.
No that life isn't for me anymore. I am not content just staying in the background and lurking in the shadows. I want the world to see me and I want center stage for a change. Someone needs to put me first and foremost in their life and if they can't do it, then it is time for me to move on. My name should have been Mat because essentially that is what I relegated myself too. I became the doormat for everyone to walk across as they came upon me. In order to get to the other side they had to walk right over me and you know what I let them. By holding in the hurt, sadness, disappointment and anger that I felt, I passively let each person continue on like I was just a fly necessary but a nuisance. I am very tired of feeling that way, and I have come to the point in my life, that it has become alright if I am alone.
I don't need anyone else to make me feel worse about myself than I already do. I need someone to lift me up and put me as priority and I will not settle anymore for less than that. With everything that I have been through and all that I have endured you would think that a simple relationship would be easy for me, but it has been the hardest work of my life, and I am still in a position where I feel like I am second rate. I should feel like a champion, I should have strength of mind and body to ensure that I am taking care of. Yet, for some reason I have yet to understand, I seem to put everyone else ahead of me and I am surprised when I end up getting hurt by them. Nothing has ever prepared me for the treachery of the human mind, and I guess that I have been setting myself up for failure all along, by not being able to remain alone, I open myself up to the predators of the world. They see my kind heart and good nature as a plaything that they can manipulate and use me. Guilt is their most effective weapon and I have begun withdrawing myself from the world and those around me. I am not going to be used and walked on for the rest of my life.
Somewhere out there there has to be some soul that is sympathetic to mine and who will love me and cherish me as much as I do them. All my friends tell me that I am a wonderful and beautiful person, so why can't I find a partner who see's me as they do? Why must I only find those that choose to use me and manipulate me, that eventually leave me broken hearted and damaged and alone. Where I have to pick up the shattered remains of my life and move on by myself, struggling to come to grips with the fact that the person I have spent my time, energy, money and resources on doesn't care enough to stay around when I need them the most.
Once upon a time there was someone that I grew close too and we were together a long time, we did everything together, though at first we didn't like one another something happened and 10 years later I am wondering where he went and why he left. When he was seriously ill I stayed with him and took care of him, got him back to health and put up with him going out and leaving for days on end and hooking up with other people, but eventually I went through a similar medical situation and I needed him and guess what after all that time together off and on he took off and never came back. I was younger then and I was able to finally slowly recover on my own, but in the long run things never got back to same place. Yes, we have stayed in touch but we have never gotten back together and that is no longer in the cards for us. We have drifted apart and taken different paths that are no longer in sync with one another, instead of converging at this point they are diverging and getting wider apart with each passing year.
A relationship is supposed to be a mutual agreement between two people that have similar goals and desires who choose to team up and help each other achieve those said goals. It is a partnership based on trust and compromise, that also has a physical aspect to it that makes it worthwhile. If said relationship lacks any of these qualities it falls apart fairly rapidly. One party or the other is unhappy and tensions build inside and tear the thing apart. Usually, one or the other partner cares more about one than the other and that is what makes it so easy for it to be torn apart. But the one that loves the least ends up with the power in the relationship because they end up being the one that has the strength to leave and move on with their lives the easiest. The one with the most love invested in the situation is the one that is left behind hurt and wondering what really went wrong with the situation in the first place. Most of the time they are blissfully unaware that their partner is unhappy and wandering. They have the most time and money also invested in the relationship so when they other leaves the other is ruined both emotionally, financially and worse off mentally.
My whole life has been a series of this unfortunate unions and you would think that I would have learned how to guard my heart and let a callous form around it to protect it from giving out that love again so easily, but in my case that would mean a total alteration in my personality and I am afraid that I would lose the big heart that I am known for. It is a pattern of behavior that I have to learn to break otherwise it will continue to happen to me over and over again if I let it.
I talk about patterns a lot and how we as individuals can get locked in to those patterns and if repeated enough they become second nature too us and become a habit. The courts call this Habitual Offense it proves a proven pattern of repeat behavior that will continue unless the cycle is somehow broken. The legal system feels that incarceration is the answer to break these patterns of behavior, but I don't think that works out like they hope, because in my experience once that person is released from jail they immediately revert to the old familiar patterns. My belief is that we can only break a pattern of behavior if we chose to directly replace that pattern with a different one that yields better results. Habits can be broken but take time and a lot of practice, they also need to be watched and worked at vigorously to keep them broken or they creep back and we relapse. Patterns are so ingrained in us that they cannot be broken they have to be replaced. I know that I said that I believe that patterns if done enough become habit, but now that I focus on it more closely the truth has become evident it is the habits that if done long enough become patterns and those patterns in turn keep us locked into a cycle of behavior that our mind just accepts as it's new reality. To truly break out of pattern we much replace it like I said and that requires us to change the entire parameters that make up the pattern, such as people, place, things, situations, triggers and memories. This becomes truly hard and that is why addiction is such a hard thing to overcome and why many people fall back and relapse time after time.
Nothing is easy in this life and if it hurts you learn from it and it changes you both fundamentally and mentally. I find that the more you have to work for and the harder you strive to get what you want the more you cherish what you achieve. With this in mind and a positive mental attitude you can achieve anything that you set your sights on. No one promised you that life would not have issues or difficulties along the way, and we are creatures of habit and fall into patterns of habit that become hard to break, but everything in this world can be changed if you put your mind to it. Always remember that every situation has a time limit. Every event that happens in your life is only temporary and will soon pass by. So at this point whatever difficulty you are facing, whether it is something that you know how to accomplish or not, keep in mind that it is just a flash in the pan, and that life will continue on. Minutes keep ticking by even in your are laying down, they keep going if you are in jail or sick and in the hospital. Nothing is forever but death and thoughts, and time. Everything else will pass by if you just keep going.
Some of the fundamental tenants that I live by is that you can change the outlook on things by changing your point of view and you can alter your perception of things by adjusting your mental attitude. Life is full of a series of roadblocks, pitfalls, and traps, but these only serve to make your stronger for the journey ahead. Also that it is not the destination that matter but the path you choose to take because that is what is going to define you. Never look back on your past and be disappointed in where you are, look closely to the journey you took to get there and all the things that you have learned along the way. A positive mental attitude will set you up for a very positive day and will disperse any negative energy that might be lingering in your path. Smile and be glad of heart because you have a new day to rejoice in with no mistakes in it, so go ahead and screw it up your worst because you will have another chance to do it all again tomorrow. Don't let other peoples opinions way you down, march to your own drum and be your own individual, because in the long run only you can create your own happiness, no one can do it for you. Always remember that you never know where a casual conversation will lead you and who you might meet because of it. Life is full of mysteries, learn a little something new everyday and you will feel better and like you have accomplished something. I could go on but I think that you are getting the point.
But the final thought that I want to leave with you before I close out this entry is that never take more than you give, and never keep those around that are taking more than they are giving back because those that don't give as much as you will eventually throw you out of balance and cause you negativity to build up in your life you don't need that, cut them loose because they really aren't good friends and they are definitely healthy for you to keep around you. Negative energy attracts more negative energy, and the opposite is true as well positive attracts positive and will increase your longevity in the long run. I am living proof of that
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
No that life isn't for me anymore. I am not content just staying in the background and lurking in the shadows. I want the world to see me and I want center stage for a change. Someone needs to put me first and foremost in their life and if they can't do it, then it is time for me to move on. My name should have been Mat because essentially that is what I relegated myself too. I became the doormat for everyone to walk across as they came upon me. In order to get to the other side they had to walk right over me and you know what I let them. By holding in the hurt, sadness, disappointment and anger that I felt, I passively let each person continue on like I was just a fly necessary but a nuisance. I am very tired of feeling that way, and I have come to the point in my life, that it has become alright if I am alone.
I don't need anyone else to make me feel worse about myself than I already do. I need someone to lift me up and put me as priority and I will not settle anymore for less than that. With everything that I have been through and all that I have endured you would think that a simple relationship would be easy for me, but it has been the hardest work of my life, and I am still in a position where I feel like I am second rate. I should feel like a champion, I should have strength of mind and body to ensure that I am taking care of. Yet, for some reason I have yet to understand, I seem to put everyone else ahead of me and I am surprised when I end up getting hurt by them. Nothing has ever prepared me for the treachery of the human mind, and I guess that I have been setting myself up for failure all along, by not being able to remain alone, I open myself up to the predators of the world. They see my kind heart and good nature as a plaything that they can manipulate and use me. Guilt is their most effective weapon and I have begun withdrawing myself from the world and those around me. I am not going to be used and walked on for the rest of my life.
Somewhere out there there has to be some soul that is sympathetic to mine and who will love me and cherish me as much as I do them. All my friends tell me that I am a wonderful and beautiful person, so why can't I find a partner who see's me as they do? Why must I only find those that choose to use me and manipulate me, that eventually leave me broken hearted and damaged and alone. Where I have to pick up the shattered remains of my life and move on by myself, struggling to come to grips with the fact that the person I have spent my time, energy, money and resources on doesn't care enough to stay around when I need them the most.
Once upon a time there was someone that I grew close too and we were together a long time, we did everything together, though at first we didn't like one another something happened and 10 years later I am wondering where he went and why he left. When he was seriously ill I stayed with him and took care of him, got him back to health and put up with him going out and leaving for days on end and hooking up with other people, but eventually I went through a similar medical situation and I needed him and guess what after all that time together off and on he took off and never came back. I was younger then and I was able to finally slowly recover on my own, but in the long run things never got back to same place. Yes, we have stayed in touch but we have never gotten back together and that is no longer in the cards for us. We have drifted apart and taken different paths that are no longer in sync with one another, instead of converging at this point they are diverging and getting wider apart with each passing year.
A relationship is supposed to be a mutual agreement between two people that have similar goals and desires who choose to team up and help each other achieve those said goals. It is a partnership based on trust and compromise, that also has a physical aspect to it that makes it worthwhile. If said relationship lacks any of these qualities it falls apart fairly rapidly. One party or the other is unhappy and tensions build inside and tear the thing apart. Usually, one or the other partner cares more about one than the other and that is what makes it so easy for it to be torn apart. But the one that loves the least ends up with the power in the relationship because they end up being the one that has the strength to leave and move on with their lives the easiest. The one with the most love invested in the situation is the one that is left behind hurt and wondering what really went wrong with the situation in the first place. Most of the time they are blissfully unaware that their partner is unhappy and wandering. They have the most time and money also invested in the relationship so when they other leaves the other is ruined both emotionally, financially and worse off mentally.
My whole life has been a series of this unfortunate unions and you would think that I would have learned how to guard my heart and let a callous form around it to protect it from giving out that love again so easily, but in my case that would mean a total alteration in my personality and I am afraid that I would lose the big heart that I am known for. It is a pattern of behavior that I have to learn to break otherwise it will continue to happen to me over and over again if I let it.
I talk about patterns a lot and how we as individuals can get locked in to those patterns and if repeated enough they become second nature too us and become a habit. The courts call this Habitual Offense it proves a proven pattern of repeat behavior that will continue unless the cycle is somehow broken. The legal system feels that incarceration is the answer to break these patterns of behavior, but I don't think that works out like they hope, because in my experience once that person is released from jail they immediately revert to the old familiar patterns. My belief is that we can only break a pattern of behavior if we chose to directly replace that pattern with a different one that yields better results. Habits can be broken but take time and a lot of practice, they also need to be watched and worked at vigorously to keep them broken or they creep back and we relapse. Patterns are so ingrained in us that they cannot be broken they have to be replaced. I know that I said that I believe that patterns if done enough become habit, but now that I focus on it more closely the truth has become evident it is the habits that if done long enough become patterns and those patterns in turn keep us locked into a cycle of behavior that our mind just accepts as it's new reality. To truly break out of pattern we much replace it like I said and that requires us to change the entire parameters that make up the pattern, such as people, place, things, situations, triggers and memories. This becomes truly hard and that is why addiction is such a hard thing to overcome and why many people fall back and relapse time after time.
Nothing is easy in this life and if it hurts you learn from it and it changes you both fundamentally and mentally. I find that the more you have to work for and the harder you strive to get what you want the more you cherish what you achieve. With this in mind and a positive mental attitude you can achieve anything that you set your sights on. No one promised you that life would not have issues or difficulties along the way, and we are creatures of habit and fall into patterns of habit that become hard to break, but everything in this world can be changed if you put your mind to it. Always remember that every situation has a time limit. Every event that happens in your life is only temporary and will soon pass by. So at this point whatever difficulty you are facing, whether it is something that you know how to accomplish or not, keep in mind that it is just a flash in the pan, and that life will continue on. Minutes keep ticking by even in your are laying down, they keep going if you are in jail or sick and in the hospital. Nothing is forever but death and thoughts, and time. Everything else will pass by if you just keep going.
Some of the fundamental tenants that I live by is that you can change the outlook on things by changing your point of view and you can alter your perception of things by adjusting your mental attitude. Life is full of a series of roadblocks, pitfalls, and traps, but these only serve to make your stronger for the journey ahead. Also that it is not the destination that matter but the path you choose to take because that is what is going to define you. Never look back on your past and be disappointed in where you are, look closely to the journey you took to get there and all the things that you have learned along the way. A positive mental attitude will set you up for a very positive day and will disperse any negative energy that might be lingering in your path. Smile and be glad of heart because you have a new day to rejoice in with no mistakes in it, so go ahead and screw it up your worst because you will have another chance to do it all again tomorrow. Don't let other peoples opinions way you down, march to your own drum and be your own individual, because in the long run only you can create your own happiness, no one can do it for you. Always remember that you never know where a casual conversation will lead you and who you might meet because of it. Life is full of mysteries, learn a little something new everyday and you will feel better and like you have accomplished something. I could go on but I think that you are getting the point.
But the final thought that I want to leave with you before I close out this entry is that never take more than you give, and never keep those around that are taking more than they are giving back because those that don't give as much as you will eventually throw you out of balance and cause you negativity to build up in your life you don't need that, cut them loose because they really aren't good friends and they are definitely healthy for you to keep around you. Negative energy attracts more negative energy, and the opposite is true as well positive attracts positive and will increase your longevity in the long run. I am living proof of that
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Monday, January 7, 2019
Unexpected Turn of Events
Who would have thought that in a matter of 1 short year an entire life can be turned upside and things that once made sense no longer seem to any longer. That is the way that life has a way of treating us. If you don't change your habits, patterns then you end up doing the same ole thing over and over again. This is what happened to me when I returned from Jacksonville to Daytona Beach, my life reverted back to what it was before I ever left. I was surrounded by the same people doing the same things, fell into the same ole routines and plain ended up struggling all over again. Sad part is that I was really doing good when I left Daytona, and my life really started turning around for the better and I let it all go to head back into the same mess and trouble that I left in the first place.
Now, I have moved on and I am in a new city or old depending on your point of view, but it has changed so much since I left that I hardly recognize it anymore. What is even more surprising is that when I left all those years ago, it was reasonable to live here, and I never really had to struggle to find a place and settle in. Now I have been searching for a place to call my own for months now and I am no closer today than I was when I started the search. What is unfortunate about this city is that the prices are so high right now that is near impossible for a person on disability to get in to a place. The ones that I have seen are in such bad areas that I am scared to try and move there, and the area in which I would like to stay there is absolutely no way that I can afford to live there.
The city in question is Orlando, who would have thought that the apartment prices would be on par with that of New York and Los Angeles? I never would have, I moved here back in the early 80's and didn't leave till 98 when I moved to Atlanta. So I haven't been back here is such a long time. But now the pricing is so outrageous that I cannot find anything under $1000.00 a . Even with assistance from HOPWA I am still having trouble getting in everywhere and the background checks and rental screenings are brutal and I haven't been able to get all of my background information changed. I have had 4 different companies do background checks on me and they all have the same misinformation about a charge that happened in Daytona back in 2016 where the judgement was adjudication withheld. Now, each one of these companies has it listed that I was found guilty and even after I have sent them the courts final disposition I am still having to go back and check to ensure that it has been changed on my record. This is a problem because it has caused me to lose employment and now denied housing based on erroneous information.
I am struggling right now and it is hard because I don't know what to do and this issue doesn't look like it is ever going to go away anytime soon. I think that I may even have to consult with Legal Aide to see if I can't get my record totally expunged at this point or find a way of getting this corrected nationwide so that I don't keep running into this problem. So here I sit waiting on all of these disputes on my background check to come back and clear my name which I carefully worked with the Volusia County States Attorneys office in the first place so that I would have a clean criminal history. Guess what that hasn't worked out so well.
Since October me and my partner have been in a forced separation, and it got even worse in late November when he was arrested and has been sitting in jail. Finally the end looks to be in site and hopefully in the next few days he should be home finally. Everything has been worked out and the issues that caused our separation have been cleared away and we have a chance to finally start over again with a clean slate. He is even willing to do a drug treatment plan and get a part time job to help out with necessary things. This will ease some of what I have been struggling against, but only partly. Because as things would turn out in the last few weeks several of my exes have come back in to my life and have started talking to me. This is very surprising and a bit confusing because the opportunity has arisen that would alleviate some of my current issues.
However, I am not really sure how my partner would fit into the scenario that has been proposed to me and I am not sure if the offer that was presented includes him in it. Plus, I am not sure that all the feelings are totally gone that I feel towards the person who has made the offer. I know that we haven't been together in several years, but we get along well together and we honestly complement each other in actions and deeds, it is almost like he is the flip side of me. My partner and I have been struggling for awhile now and there have been some issues where there has been physical contact in the past and I am not sure if he is really in control of his anger issues. He says that he is and that he is willing to work on it together with me and that he really loves me and that he wants to marry me and live the rest of his life with me. But, this is all new territory, he has said similar things to me in the past and manipulated me to get him out of jail and to clean up his messes.
Yet, something has changed this time, his attitude towards me has been one of thanks and gratitude which he has never displayed before. I am used to him getting out of jail and within a matter of weeks reverting back to his same old self and then the issues start again. This time his words sound sincere, he has used the words "Thank you" and "I appreciate everything that you do and have done for me over the past 4 years". These are things that have caught me off guard and have me uncertain. There is a part of me that has been waiting for him to change and grow up to reach this point. Then there is the practical side of me which has been trying to convince me that this is an elaborate charade and that I am heading back into the same issues that I had left behind back in October when we separated.
I do realize that I didn't make things easy for him this time when we separated I cut myself off from him totally and even started seeing someone else. I started these dialogs with people from my past and I have kept my options open. I am also seeing that the time apart caused a great deal of struggling on his part and that he had to resort to things that he never had to do before to survive and that his constant battles left him drained and weary, it also drove him to the point that he has become ready to quit the drugs altogether. I have begun to believe that the distance that happened between us caused him to grow up a little more than he was and that it forced him to realize just how much I do for him. That I am not just someone who is there to clean up his messes and fix the mistakes he has made, that I am someone who really does care and deserves better than what he was giving me. I honestly think that this time might really be different experience and that we might be able to make it work.
If it doesn't what have I really lost but a little more time? I am still talking to others and letting them know what is happening and if he decides that he no longer wants me again like he did the last time, I will have some options available to me that I didn't have the last time. Besides which after everything I have done for him and how I have worked very hard to get him out of jail this time and lessen the punishment that might be imposed upon him, he has seen that there is no one else out there that would have been there for him and done the same things as I have done.
However, never in a million years did I ever think that my life would become so complicated with as many issues as it has. For years I have been sick and dealing with that alone, but now on top of all of that I am also dealing with the fact that every member of my family is sick and in bad shape. I am not alone in this battle anymore. My mom is very far away and dealing with declining health, my father is on East Coast of Florida and is dealing with inoperable lung cancer and my little brother is dealing with end stage renal disease, things just aren't looking good for my family. Then with Bobby and Dudley back in touch with me and the things that they are dealing with has also come to my attention and my best friend Robert Miller is dealing with work issues and needs some financial support things are a little heavy on my shoulders right now.
But, I am strong and I have been dealing with other peoples issues for years, and I am pretty good at it. What is hard is that there are other friends that are struggling and hurting too but I am already stretched so thin that I don't thing that there is anyway that I can help them as well as take care of myself and the ones that I am already taking care of. It is unfortunate that things work out that way, but I am finding it difficult to stretch any further, and yes I would like to be able to help everyone there is just no way that would be feasible. Especially in the present circumstances that I am in and the constant struggle to get myself back on my feet and re-established. I am doing everything I can and trying to get as much help as I can from agencies and people everywhere, it is just slow in coming and is taking much longer than I thought it would.
Anyhow, I just find that life takes these unexpected turns, bring people back into your life that have been long absent, and they are familiar with the struggles that you are going through and maybe just maybe God has placed them back in front of us so that we can help one another and get to the next level. Let me know what your thoughts are on this.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Now, I have moved on and I am in a new city or old depending on your point of view, but it has changed so much since I left that I hardly recognize it anymore. What is even more surprising is that when I left all those years ago, it was reasonable to live here, and I never really had to struggle to find a place and settle in. Now I have been searching for a place to call my own for months now and I am no closer today than I was when I started the search. What is unfortunate about this city is that the prices are so high right now that is near impossible for a person on disability to get in to a place. The ones that I have seen are in such bad areas that I am scared to try and move there, and the area in which I would like to stay there is absolutely no way that I can afford to live there.
The city in question is Orlando, who would have thought that the apartment prices would be on par with that of New York and Los Angeles? I never would have, I moved here back in the early 80's and didn't leave till 98 when I moved to Atlanta. So I haven't been back here is such a long time. But now the pricing is so outrageous that I cannot find anything under $1000.00 a . Even with assistance from HOPWA I am still having trouble getting in everywhere and the background checks and rental screenings are brutal and I haven't been able to get all of my background information changed. I have had 4 different companies do background checks on me and they all have the same misinformation about a charge that happened in Daytona back in 2016 where the judgement was adjudication withheld. Now, each one of these companies has it listed that I was found guilty and even after I have sent them the courts final disposition I am still having to go back and check to ensure that it has been changed on my record. This is a problem because it has caused me to lose employment and now denied housing based on erroneous information.
I am struggling right now and it is hard because I don't know what to do and this issue doesn't look like it is ever going to go away anytime soon. I think that I may even have to consult with Legal Aide to see if I can't get my record totally expunged at this point or find a way of getting this corrected nationwide so that I don't keep running into this problem. So here I sit waiting on all of these disputes on my background check to come back and clear my name which I carefully worked with the Volusia County States Attorneys office in the first place so that I would have a clean criminal history. Guess what that hasn't worked out so well.
Since October me and my partner have been in a forced separation, and it got even worse in late November when he was arrested and has been sitting in jail. Finally the end looks to be in site and hopefully in the next few days he should be home finally. Everything has been worked out and the issues that caused our separation have been cleared away and we have a chance to finally start over again with a clean slate. He is even willing to do a drug treatment plan and get a part time job to help out with necessary things. This will ease some of what I have been struggling against, but only partly. Because as things would turn out in the last few weeks several of my exes have come back in to my life and have started talking to me. This is very surprising and a bit confusing because the opportunity has arisen that would alleviate some of my current issues.
However, I am not really sure how my partner would fit into the scenario that has been proposed to me and I am not sure if the offer that was presented includes him in it. Plus, I am not sure that all the feelings are totally gone that I feel towards the person who has made the offer. I know that we haven't been together in several years, but we get along well together and we honestly complement each other in actions and deeds, it is almost like he is the flip side of me. My partner and I have been struggling for awhile now and there have been some issues where there has been physical contact in the past and I am not sure if he is really in control of his anger issues. He says that he is and that he is willing to work on it together with me and that he really loves me and that he wants to marry me and live the rest of his life with me. But, this is all new territory, he has said similar things to me in the past and manipulated me to get him out of jail and to clean up his messes.
Yet, something has changed this time, his attitude towards me has been one of thanks and gratitude which he has never displayed before. I am used to him getting out of jail and within a matter of weeks reverting back to his same old self and then the issues start again. This time his words sound sincere, he has used the words "Thank you" and "I appreciate everything that you do and have done for me over the past 4 years". These are things that have caught me off guard and have me uncertain. There is a part of me that has been waiting for him to change and grow up to reach this point. Then there is the practical side of me which has been trying to convince me that this is an elaborate charade and that I am heading back into the same issues that I had left behind back in October when we separated.
I do realize that I didn't make things easy for him this time when we separated I cut myself off from him totally and even started seeing someone else. I started these dialogs with people from my past and I have kept my options open. I am also seeing that the time apart caused a great deal of struggling on his part and that he had to resort to things that he never had to do before to survive and that his constant battles left him drained and weary, it also drove him to the point that he has become ready to quit the drugs altogether. I have begun to believe that the distance that happened between us caused him to grow up a little more than he was and that it forced him to realize just how much I do for him. That I am not just someone who is there to clean up his messes and fix the mistakes he has made, that I am someone who really does care and deserves better than what he was giving me. I honestly think that this time might really be different experience and that we might be able to make it work.
If it doesn't what have I really lost but a little more time? I am still talking to others and letting them know what is happening and if he decides that he no longer wants me again like he did the last time, I will have some options available to me that I didn't have the last time. Besides which after everything I have done for him and how I have worked very hard to get him out of jail this time and lessen the punishment that might be imposed upon him, he has seen that there is no one else out there that would have been there for him and done the same things as I have done.
However, never in a million years did I ever think that my life would become so complicated with as many issues as it has. For years I have been sick and dealing with that alone, but now on top of all of that I am also dealing with the fact that every member of my family is sick and in bad shape. I am not alone in this battle anymore. My mom is very far away and dealing with declining health, my father is on East Coast of Florida and is dealing with inoperable lung cancer and my little brother is dealing with end stage renal disease, things just aren't looking good for my family. Then with Bobby and Dudley back in touch with me and the things that they are dealing with has also come to my attention and my best friend Robert Miller is dealing with work issues and needs some financial support things are a little heavy on my shoulders right now.
But, I am strong and I have been dealing with other peoples issues for years, and I am pretty good at it. What is hard is that there are other friends that are struggling and hurting too but I am already stretched so thin that I don't thing that there is anyway that I can help them as well as take care of myself and the ones that I am already taking care of. It is unfortunate that things work out that way, but I am finding it difficult to stretch any further, and yes I would like to be able to help everyone there is just no way that would be feasible. Especially in the present circumstances that I am in and the constant struggle to get myself back on my feet and re-established. I am doing everything I can and trying to get as much help as I can from agencies and people everywhere, it is just slow in coming and is taking much longer than I thought it would.
Anyhow, I just find that life takes these unexpected turns, bring people back into your life that have been long absent, and they are familiar with the struggles that you are going through and maybe just maybe God has placed them back in front of us so that we can help one another and get to the next level. Let me know what your thoughts are on this.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Thursday, January 3, 2019
Rambling of the lost
Darkness falls on the world around me, yet I cannot find the peace I seek. Endless nights of restless slumber hasn't eased my mind a bit. I am bound to another and haven't found a place to call my own. I think sometimes that I will have to forever roam.
I often wonder what is yet to come, I have been through so much there isn't a whole lot that I haven't seen. But who am I to make a scene. Nurses, doctors all in a row, where will they stop I never know. Maybe I would be better off wishing for some snow. But no I live so far south it doesn't seem very likely.
Yet as I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my soul to keep. Moon and stars they wink and laugh as I yearn for relief. But my favorite friend is the quiet solitude that enfolds me and keeps me yawning and awake. I often wonder what it will take for my mind to feel at ease and drift off to a soundless sleep.
Nothing answers my lonely vigil as I sit night after night watching the clouds, moon and stars. It is like the world continues to turn and I am left on my own with some sort of lesson yet to learn. I sing and cry, I howl and yell but get nothing in response to my agonizing wail. I sometimes wonder if I am actually in Hell.
Nothing lifts my heart of soul, I muddle through each day aimless and unaware of all that looms around me. It is as if I have lost my sense of will. Nothing placates the inner longing for the days of light and laughter that once were. It is the darkness that clings to me and keeps locked down deep inside this well. I have no hope for rescue, no one understands my plight. Even if I sprouted wings and took flight I don't think anyone would ever see.
I am invisible, restless and lonely me.
A spirit without shape or form, a mind but not a body, drifting floating weightless and hopeless. What business have I left undone? Why didn't I see the light? Something just isn't right! Yet, searching, hoping, yearning and burning I wander each and every night looking for that one thing that will bring me to my slumber.
I wasn't a bad person, I did good by others, I cried and prayed, and lived like they said, yet still I am here, wandering the night all alone. Is this the penance I alone must bear, to never see another soul. To drift and wonder as each night is torn asunder. No crash of lightning or boom of thunder shatter this waiting and hoping for an end.
Was I truly once a live? Did I really have a life or am I just a dream of someone else? Why is the night my home and why can't I ever venture far from what I once thought of as home? Can you hear me? I know you cannot see me, you ignore me as I watch you in your bed. Maybe I am not dead but a figment of your imagination instead.
I guess I will never know, wake up please and tell me truly do you know who I am? Am I you? Are you me? or am I something that is yet to be, or have I always been. These are the thoughts that plague me as I wander through the darkened night and soundless halls. All I see are the same four walls.
Will someone tell me what and who I am for I am at a loss. I don't even know what is real and what is not. I guess I am well and truly lost.
Invisible, alone, figment, spirit, ghoul, or haunt. Heaven or Hell I guess I will never be able to tell.
I often wonder what is yet to come, I have been through so much there isn't a whole lot that I haven't seen. But who am I to make a scene. Nurses, doctors all in a row, where will they stop I never know. Maybe I would be better off wishing for some snow. But no I live so far south it doesn't seem very likely.
Yet as I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my soul to keep. Moon and stars they wink and laugh as I yearn for relief. But my favorite friend is the quiet solitude that enfolds me and keeps me yawning and awake. I often wonder what it will take for my mind to feel at ease and drift off to a soundless sleep.
Nothing answers my lonely vigil as I sit night after night watching the clouds, moon and stars. It is like the world continues to turn and I am left on my own with some sort of lesson yet to learn. I sing and cry, I howl and yell but get nothing in response to my agonizing wail. I sometimes wonder if I am actually in Hell.
Nothing lifts my heart of soul, I muddle through each day aimless and unaware of all that looms around me. It is as if I have lost my sense of will. Nothing placates the inner longing for the days of light and laughter that once were. It is the darkness that clings to me and keeps locked down deep inside this well. I have no hope for rescue, no one understands my plight. Even if I sprouted wings and took flight I don't think anyone would ever see.
I am invisible, restless and lonely me.
A spirit without shape or form, a mind but not a body, drifting floating weightless and hopeless. What business have I left undone? Why didn't I see the light? Something just isn't right! Yet, searching, hoping, yearning and burning I wander each and every night looking for that one thing that will bring me to my slumber.
I wasn't a bad person, I did good by others, I cried and prayed, and lived like they said, yet still I am here, wandering the night all alone. Is this the penance I alone must bear, to never see another soul. To drift and wonder as each night is torn asunder. No crash of lightning or boom of thunder shatter this waiting and hoping for an end.
Was I truly once a live? Did I really have a life or am I just a dream of someone else? Why is the night my home and why can't I ever venture far from what I once thought of as home? Can you hear me? I know you cannot see me, you ignore me as I watch you in your bed. Maybe I am not dead but a figment of your imagination instead.
I guess I will never know, wake up please and tell me truly do you know who I am? Am I you? Are you me? or am I something that is yet to be, or have I always been. These are the thoughts that plague me as I wander through the darkened night and soundless halls. All I see are the same four walls.
Will someone tell me what and who I am for I am at a loss. I don't even know what is real and what is not. I guess I am well and truly lost.
Invisible, alone, figment, spirit, ghoul, or haunt. Heaven or Hell I guess I will never be able to tell.
Wednesday, January 2, 2019
The Power of Words
We have talked about "Words" before and the power that they possess. But one thing that I was unclear on was something that I discovered while reading a novel. One of the writers in the Anthology I am reading stated that she didn't think that Words had power. She believes that the true power lies in our ability to believe them. She states that it boils down to three simple concepts: belief, trust and faith. Simply stated she asks herself Do I believe the other person? Do I trust the other person? Do I have faith in them. To her mind words are meaningless without these conditions.
But here is how I see it. Words either spoken or written have power of their own. In my mind it is the way in which the words are used which gives them the power over us. Not our belief in them. Humans use words in various ways most people in anger use words as weapons, to wound, tear down, and belittle others. But the opposite is also true we can use words to build up, encourage, strengthen and help others. Sometimes words spoken in anger, where very little thought is given to the barrage that we launch at another person in the form of insults or defense or just plain to hurt can cause a lot of damage. They can even create wounds that even time can't heal. These are the types of words that I am talking about.
The written word is even more powerful because it is open to the readers interpretation and can have various meanings and can be construed in multiple different ways. Some people can twist and malign words to fit any need they have. So be extremely careful when dealing with words. Positive motivation can be use by using Words of Power, these are written statements that are memorized and repeated daily to engage the higher mind elevations. We call these as mantras, words of power, or chants. These types of words are used to align the mind, body, emotions and soul. These are the components that allow us to visualize and manifest change upon the etheric plane. Which once something is manifested on the etheric plane, it triggers the manifestation here on the physical plane. Many mystics, seers, or students of metaphysics use creative visualization daily to manifest change into their daily lives. Words when memorized and repeated daily can set up the mind to reach through the barriers between the planes of existence and cause manifestations to occur.
So what is the lesson that I am trying to get you to take away from this post? I am trying to teach you that you must be very careful with your words, they have more power and influence than you can imagine. When you take our writers beliefs into account you can influence a person just by speaking to them. Because they trust you, they have faith in you and they believe you. You can cause damage without seemly meaning too. The inverse is also very true. When you speak out in anger without thought to your words you can wound, injure or even destroy a persons spirit and belief in you. Your words can cause permanent damage that even time cannot change. I urge each of you to use your words wisely, thoughtfully and with purpose. Be positive in their usage, use them to enhance, build up, uplift and strengthen others. Use them as positive motivation to encourage yourself and open yourself up to positive influences in your life. Words or Power can draw and manifest things into your daily life that are extremely positive.
Take a mantra for manifesting positive abundance and prosperity and paste it somewhere that you will see it daily and repeat it every morning to yourself and you will be surprised at just how different your life becomes. Here is an example try reading it every morning for a month and see if you don't manifest the positive benefits into your own life:
But here is how I see it. Words either spoken or written have power of their own. In my mind it is the way in which the words are used which gives them the power over us. Not our belief in them. Humans use words in various ways most people in anger use words as weapons, to wound, tear down, and belittle others. But the opposite is also true we can use words to build up, encourage, strengthen and help others. Sometimes words spoken in anger, where very little thought is given to the barrage that we launch at another person in the form of insults or defense or just plain to hurt can cause a lot of damage. They can even create wounds that even time can't heal. These are the types of words that I am talking about.
The written word is even more powerful because it is open to the readers interpretation and can have various meanings and can be construed in multiple different ways. Some people can twist and malign words to fit any need they have. So be extremely careful when dealing with words. Positive motivation can be use by using Words of Power, these are written statements that are memorized and repeated daily to engage the higher mind elevations. We call these as mantras, words of power, or chants. These types of words are used to align the mind, body, emotions and soul. These are the components that allow us to visualize and manifest change upon the etheric plane. Which once something is manifested on the etheric plane, it triggers the manifestation here on the physical plane. Many mystics, seers, or students of metaphysics use creative visualization daily to manifest change into their daily lives. Words when memorized and repeated daily can set up the mind to reach through the barriers between the planes of existence and cause manifestations to occur.
So what is the lesson that I am trying to get you to take away from this post? I am trying to teach you that you must be very careful with your words, they have more power and influence than you can imagine. When you take our writers beliefs into account you can influence a person just by speaking to them. Because they trust you, they have faith in you and they believe you. You can cause damage without seemly meaning too. The inverse is also very true. When you speak out in anger without thought to your words you can wound, injure or even destroy a persons spirit and belief in you. Your words can cause permanent damage that even time cannot change. I urge each of you to use your words wisely, thoughtfully and with purpose. Be positive in their usage, use them to enhance, build up, uplift and strengthen others. Use them as positive motivation to encourage yourself and open yourself up to positive influences in your life. Words or Power can draw and manifest things into your daily life that are extremely positive.
Take a mantra for manifesting positive abundance and prosperity and paste it somewhere that you will see it daily and repeat it every morning to yourself and you will be surprised at just how different your life becomes. Here is an example try reading it every morning for a month and see if you don't manifest the positive benefits into your own life:
Words of power for material abundance
There is one power which is the perfect abundance and fulfillment.
And I _________________, and the perfect manifestation of this power.
The power working for me and through me, provides me with all the abundance and fulfillment which is rightfully mine.
I draw to me and create in my life all that I need in the world a form to fill my needs, This may come specifically in the form of money or material possessions or wealth and abundance.
I hereby release all cause effect manifestation form and essence and any channel within me which may have been preventing the appropriate flow of abundance in my life.
I draw upon the balance of the resources in the universe
for the good of all,
according to the free will of all,
And I am firm my own wisdom and understanding my needs, and how to fill them. I call to me just enough resources,
knowing I deprive none,
And I am not deprive myself,
I have just enough.
And so it must be.
There is one power which is the perfect abundance and fulfillment.
And I _________________, and the perfect manifestation of this power.
The power working for me and through me, provides me with all the abundance and fulfillment which is rightfully mine.
I draw to me and create in my life all that I need in the world a form to fill my needs, This may come specifically in the form of money or material possessions or wealth and abundance.
I hereby release all cause effect manifestation form and essence and any channel within me which may have been preventing the appropriate flow of abundance in my life.
I draw upon the balance of the resources in the universe
for the good of all,
according to the free will of all,
And I am firm my own wisdom and understanding my needs, and how to fill them. I call to me just enough resources,
knowing I deprive none,
And I am not deprive myself,
I have just enough.
And so it must be.
Please try this and see if it doesn't work for you like it has for some of my friends.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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