Have you ever watched a feel good movie and felt better about yourself and your life afterwards? I did just tonight. I watched a movie called "Fishbowl California", a movie I knew absolutely nothing about, and it lifted my spirits and gave me some peace of mind. The story is seemingly ordinary about the life of a man battling cheating girlfriend, unemployment, homelessness, and plain old bad luck. I felt like I could relate to the main character and have experienced much of the same issues that he was. He met an older woman that challenged him, and in the long run changed his life. As I said it was a feel good movie, with everyday challenges and life issues, but throughout the comedy/drama you began to feel something for the characters and were pulled into the story along with the pain that each one was feeling. It isn't every day that a film comes along and makes me feel the way this one did.
In the story the main character suffered from being homeless, aimless, and having no thoughts other than himself, yet along the way he runs into a tough older woman, with a gruff exterior and tender interior that she hides from everyone including herself and her daughter. You find out that she is sick and possibly dying, in mourning for her husband who has passed and has finally given up on living and is just existing day by day. She is a drunk and has a tough exterior, she takes no bull from anyone yet has a kind heart. Our main character is caught stealing from her and she puts him to work, fixing up the house and cleaning up the yard. Pressure from her daughter to take better care of herself and to get some help. In an attempt to do that she lets the guy stay with her, but he starts to understand that her drinking is a form of avoidance from life and her illness. The daughter appeals to the young man to help her make sure that the mother starts taking her medication daily. This causes a rift in the household and the old lady throws the young man out.
She starts regretting how she treated the young man and begins taking care of herself and stops drinking totally. Within a couple weeks go by and the young man comes by the house to see how the lady is doing only to find that a memorial service is going on. Thinking that the lady has passed away he starts talking about how the woman helped him find himself and took a chance on him when no one else would. This turns out to be a joke and he passes out. When he wakes up he finds that she had decided to give her old self a funeral. She had decided to put her house up for sale and move to Hawaii, apparently the ocean air will be good for her health. As such she decided to give something to the young man who had inadvertently helped her give up drinking and changed her life for the better.
This story reminds me so much of something I wrote a lot about in earlier blog posts about not knowing where a casual conversation will lead you, or how your interactions with someone might benefit them in some way that you couldn't have foreseen. Life is like that in so many ways, we don't know who is looking at us or why. Others might find hope or inspiration in how you are living your life, or could be gaining strength from your struggles. I would like to remind each of us to live as an example for others to follow. Believe in yourself, and know that everyone out there is going through something. You are not struggling alone, and there are people out there who see you. You may not even know them. Others might find inspiration in your life, your story and your struggles. You might be helping people without even being aware of it. Everything you do has far reaching effects on those around you and the environment in which you life.
Take the time to talk to strangers, introduce yourself too them, tell them your story. You might be just the thing that they need to help them get to the next step or progress past an issue that is heavy for them. You never know but each of us has come through so much, done things that others have been afraid to do and we have grown from our efforts. Others, can benefit from you in small or even big ways if you just take the time to express yourself to them. I have often been accused of never meeting a stranger and that is partly true. Every opportunity I get I talk to others about the things that I have been through, my illnesses, my victories and even my defeats. I talk to them about my struggles with addiction and depression and I try to help others by writing my story in my blog. I want people around me to see hope, to gain inspiration and joy from getting to know me. I hope to be someone that helps others around me and teach them how to be the same for those that look to them.
My dad has told me that I can't save everyone, that I have to be smart about how I go about helping other people, and that I shouldn't let them take advantage of me. Sometimes, I get to involved and wrapped up in myself that I don't even notice when someone is using me or trying to take advantage, so I have started distancing myself. But I have begun to see how many people look at my life and they are trying to better themselves by using my examples to help themselves around the issues that plague them. This is a form of helping and is a by product of merely just living my life the best way that I know how.
For many years I led people into the drug world and at times that I thought I was helping them, I was actually enabling them to continue in their abuse and addiction. Only by walking away from the scene myself and encouraging others to do so have I truly been a help. I may have provided a safe warm place that they could indulge themselves, but I wasn't really helping like I thought I was. I have taken so many people off of the streets, and thought I was giving them a chance to better themselves and help them get off of drugs, but what was really happening was I was allowing them to continue in their habit without recourse or consequence to their actions. The weren't on the streets anymore I was providing them with housing, food, and often times more drugs. In effect I was keeping myself surrounded by similar types of people so I didn't feel so guilty about what I was doing, and I convinced myself that I was actually helping others. Some I may have, others maybe not so much, but in the end I learned more about myself and what I really wanted out of life.
Drug addiction is not a game, and it really takes work to remain sober, each day is a constant battle of the soul versus the mind and it never gets easier. If you truly want to help someone get out of that situation the only way to really do is it is to have a zero drug tolerance policy and enforce it. Otherwise you are just fostering an addiction and enabling the person to keep using. Recovery is not something that can be undertaken lightly and must be committed too from the very start. No ifs, ands, or excuses about it. I know that the methods that I used to employ were not effective for treating an illness, they were a way for me to surround myself by like minded people and feel better about myself and what I was doing. Even though I had their best interest at heart my methods were suspect and the help that I gave wasn't effective. I have since changed my thoughts on this and I still try to help those around me who need helping but I have different ideas now about how to go about it and what I am willing to accept in my life and what I am willing to do to help them.
I won't be buying the drugs, will not allow them to be used in my home and I will not let someone manipulate me into falling for the "Just one more time routine". Enough is enough too many of my friends have died or gotten so sick from drugs that it really isn't worth it. Life is the most precious gift we are given and to squander that and to through it away is not something I want to help with anymore. I am so proud of my friends who have started down the road of recovery and are celebrating their sobriety. I wished I would have learned this to help more people earlier. But I am with you in this battle now and I am not giving up and neither should you.
As always you are in my hopes and dreams,
Uncle B
Tuesday, October 9, 2018
Disappointments
Disappointments should be nothing new to me. I have placed my hope in others and have been let down so many times in the past that I should be used to it by now. Things hardly ever go the way I plan them, so I try to remain spontaneous and in the moment all the time. I had wanted to go to visit my friend Robert Miller in Ft. Lauderdale this month because he was having surgery to replace his hip. Unfortunately, I made some choices that limited my travel options. I can't go and surgery took place today, but he is doing well and should be on the mend soon. Early this month I helped out a friend and used up what savings I had. But disappointment aside, I wish I could have gone, but things just didn't work out toward that direction. I wanted to go see my dad at the end of last month because he was in the hospital, but things conspired against me and I have run into trouble with the bank that actually occurred over Labor Day weekend. A clerk at the local Circle K where I bought my cigarettes actually used my debit card and charged $335 dollars and the bank found that these charges were similar to my spending habits and that there were no wrong pin attempts and decided that these charges weren't fraudulent. This has set me back over a 1000.00 in the past 2 months and has seriously hurt my ability to make ends meet let alone go anywhere on a weekend trip.
I am still battling with TD bank over the fraudulent charges that were put against my account back in July when Domeneck Lattella stole my iphone and debit card and tried to put through checks that weren't any good. If I could recover a portion of the money that he profited from against my account I would be in a much better financial situation. But, I am not sure what is going to happen with the bank and the decision that they had come to. I had told my friend Judy that I wasn't planning on staying with her longer than 90 days and that time is rapidly coming to a close and without the financial help of Ryan White or the Bank reversing their decision I am sort of stuck in the living situation that I am in.
I have found a house here in the Orlando area that is $800.00 a month and it includes all the utilities. I am excited that I was able to find the house, now I am struggling to come up with the move in money that the woman is looking for. I am hoping that everything falls into place and that I don't have to struggle to get into the house. It will be a great feeling to finally have a place over my head again, after being homeless for so long. I have come so far, and overcome so many hardships that it is time that something good finally falls into place. I am hoping that in the next couple of months I would have enough saved up that I will finally be able to get another car. In the 2 1/2 months that I have been in Orlando I have been able to clean up my act and get many of the things that I lost when I got screwed over in Jacksonville.
I know that things will eventually come out the way that they are supposed to. I have registered with Ryan White and let them know that I am in need of housing assistance and I am hoping that someone will be in contact with me soon and will be able to help me some towards getting into this place. It will certainly help me get into a better place and be able to stand on my own two feet again. After being adrift since 2017 to have a home base and firm foundation will be an achievement that I can be proud of. I thought that I was on the right track when I was in Jacksonville, but things went sideways so fast, and I ended up being on the streets again and that was extremely rough. I don't want to put myself in that type of situation again.
It has been my history that once things start going better the rug is pulled out from under me and I fall flat on my face. I have lost so many things over the past 20 years that these moments of achievement pale in comparison. I am not sure what the future holds but there are many programs out there that might be able to help me get further ahead then I have been before. I have been coasting for the past several years and just riding the ups and downs of life, and not trying to really embrace what things are happening around me any more. I gave up on my volunteer activities because I got wrapped up in my own little world and didn't want to burden those around me with the issues that I was facing, preferring to handle them on my own. But, the truth of the matter is that I was embarrassed, I got back involved with the drug culture of Daytona, and got sucked into the schemes and scams of those I associated with. Before, I knew it I was back on the street doing the same things that I was doing before when Kerry left me.
Now that I am away from that crowd and the influence of drugs I can see that others have followed in my footsteps and have begun the journey toward sobriety and recovery. Though not everything has been a disappointment and some of the gambles that I have taken have paid off, I am never the less concerned about where I am heading in the future. My direction at this point is unclear and people from my past have stopped talking to me altogether and I am not sure what that means. Originally I was hoping that I would be back up in the Atlanta area by the beginning of the new year but that doesn't look like that is even in the picture anymore. I have been talking to the Carol, the lady that owns the house that I am attempting to rent about doing a rent to own purchase from her. This would be something that would give me stable roots and something that I am extremely interested in. The truth of the matter is that I am hoping that this first year lease works out and that we get along well with the neighbors and the landlord and that opportunity is still on the table. That would definitely be something of a plus for me going forward. It has been a long time since I have owned my own place and it would be nice to finally have something to call my own again. A place that would continue in my family and be a legacy I could leave to others after I am gone.
Speaking of gone, my father is still very sick and isn't doing all that well with his treatments, which is also a disappointment to me. I don't know what I am going to do if both of my parents pass away, both seem to be going through their own series of medical issues and at the age of 70 they may not be around much longer, and I can't keep depending on them like I used too. This means that I have little time to get my stuff in order and get back on my feet, because once they are gone I will not have any other support system around me. Robert is in Fort Lauderdale and is married now and has a husband to worry about, and all my other close friends are in Atlanta or Pennsylvania, I am here in Florida on my own now. So much has happened over the past 6 years that it is impossible for me to know how my friends in Atlanta are fairing and if they are still doing the same stuff they were doing when I left, I am not sure I want to go back into that situation. Up until 2015 I was traveling up to Atlanta fairly often and was in contact with a lot of them but over the past 3 years my health and situation has changed and I am not as capable as I was before to travel up there and get myself wrapped up in the silly games I used to play around with.
I haven't heard from Kerry or Sterling since I first got to Orlando. I don't know if the plans that Kerry and I were talking about are still on the table or if he has changed his mind and is going about doing his own thing and not included me in those plans or what. Last I heard Sterling was heading out to Washington State to help his friend who was going through some heavy medical issues. So plans moving back to Georgia seem to be on hold indefinitely at this point.
Good news is that Dominic has gotten himself into rehab and will soon begin the program and that will benefit him in the long run. The waiting game is the hardest part right now. But we got him in and got him an ID, the program is supposed to help him with housing and job assistance both of which he needs for the future and will help cover some of the out of pocket expenses I am having to cover at the present time. The only draw back at this moment is that of transportation. I don't have a car and there doesn't look like there is going to be one on the horizon any time soon. I am hoping that our friends Nick and Justine who say they want to come to live with us in Orlando will be able to help me cover the rent and that will free my money up to help with transportation costs.
What I have discovered that with any plan there are bound to be many disappointments in life. It seems that every venture comes with its own share of disappointments, and issues. It is by coming through the disappointments and overcoming the issues or challenges, that we learn and grow. We don't ever start something knowing every nuance there is about it, and unforeseen things tend to crop up at the most inopportune moments, but it by these things that we mature and grow and learn how to deal with them. Life is full of excitement and challenges, but along with those comes the disappointments, the struggles and the of course the doubts. Yet, the rewards for doing a job well done and the feel of accomplishment outweigh the disappointments, discomforts, and tears that we shed over them.
No one ever promised us that life was going to be easy, or free from disappointments, nor did they tell us that it would get easier the further in life you go. No unfortunately, the challenges are going to remain the same or become greater the longer you are alive, the good thing is that the more you experience, the more you learn, the faster you grow, and the more knowledge and wisdom you obtain. Sometimes, it might seem easier to give in to hopelessness and despair, but believe me there isn't any reward in doing such. You will feel better about yourself, and gain more confidence and strength the harder you apply yourself to the situations you find yourself in. Even now as I am facing an uncertain future, and my health isn't the greatest it could be, I find myself in a hopeful place, a place where I can reflect on my past and I have a clear vision of what I have accomplished, what I have survived, what I have come through, what I continue to go through and I have a better more complete understanding of the struggles that I am facing today than I did yesterday. I have more hope today than I felt last month or even last year. I know that if nothing changes I will be alright and I can make it, I can survive and I will.
Don't give in to your despair and doubts, know and reflect constantly on your past and what you have accomplished, achieved and come through. In light of that the challenges of tomorrow won't seem so scary and you will be able to have more confidence in your decisions and your choices. Think smart, stay alert and be vigilante not to succumb to the doubts, depression, and disappointments that creep up on you. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for and you have accomplished so much and gained even more through your personal trials and struggles. Use your story, to help others and give others the tools they need to move forward. Be a shining example of what other can be, even if you have doubts yourself. You never know who will benefit from hearing your story and how your struggles might inspire someone else to move forward in their own life. Life is not easy, it is tough and demanding! Every day is a struggle through grief, strive and your own personal demons, but you can come far just by believing in yourself.
One last note that I would like to share with those of you who are going through your own recovery. Keep in mind that you will have to fight every day to overcome the urges and desires of your brain, but you can do it, you can overcome and be victorious, you have to keep going, even if you have a fall and slip up, don't give up you owe it to yourself and those that love you to keep trying and to live again. It is hard, and doesn't get easier, but I know you have found the strength to start this journey, now all you have to do is fight to make it through. Battle everyday, fight for what you want, and keep your head held up. There are others like you going through it and they too are struggling and you can help each other by sharing your testimony and your story for others to hear. Know that you are not alone, that I am fighting every day the same way you are and if you need me I am hear to offer you words of encouragement and guidance, pick up the phone, call, email, text, I will encourage you as much as I can.
As always you are in my hopes and dreams,
Uncle B
I am still battling with TD bank over the fraudulent charges that were put against my account back in July when Domeneck Lattella stole my iphone and debit card and tried to put through checks that weren't any good. If I could recover a portion of the money that he profited from against my account I would be in a much better financial situation. But, I am not sure what is going to happen with the bank and the decision that they had come to. I had told my friend Judy that I wasn't planning on staying with her longer than 90 days and that time is rapidly coming to a close and without the financial help of Ryan White or the Bank reversing their decision I am sort of stuck in the living situation that I am in.
I have found a house here in the Orlando area that is $800.00 a month and it includes all the utilities. I am excited that I was able to find the house, now I am struggling to come up with the move in money that the woman is looking for. I am hoping that everything falls into place and that I don't have to struggle to get into the house. It will be a great feeling to finally have a place over my head again, after being homeless for so long. I have come so far, and overcome so many hardships that it is time that something good finally falls into place. I am hoping that in the next couple of months I would have enough saved up that I will finally be able to get another car. In the 2 1/2 months that I have been in Orlando I have been able to clean up my act and get many of the things that I lost when I got screwed over in Jacksonville.
I know that things will eventually come out the way that they are supposed to. I have registered with Ryan White and let them know that I am in need of housing assistance and I am hoping that someone will be in contact with me soon and will be able to help me some towards getting into this place. It will certainly help me get into a better place and be able to stand on my own two feet again. After being adrift since 2017 to have a home base and firm foundation will be an achievement that I can be proud of. I thought that I was on the right track when I was in Jacksonville, but things went sideways so fast, and I ended up being on the streets again and that was extremely rough. I don't want to put myself in that type of situation again.
It has been my history that once things start going better the rug is pulled out from under me and I fall flat on my face. I have lost so many things over the past 20 years that these moments of achievement pale in comparison. I am not sure what the future holds but there are many programs out there that might be able to help me get further ahead then I have been before. I have been coasting for the past several years and just riding the ups and downs of life, and not trying to really embrace what things are happening around me any more. I gave up on my volunteer activities because I got wrapped up in my own little world and didn't want to burden those around me with the issues that I was facing, preferring to handle them on my own. But, the truth of the matter is that I was embarrassed, I got back involved with the drug culture of Daytona, and got sucked into the schemes and scams of those I associated with. Before, I knew it I was back on the street doing the same things that I was doing before when Kerry left me.
Now that I am away from that crowd and the influence of drugs I can see that others have followed in my footsteps and have begun the journey toward sobriety and recovery. Though not everything has been a disappointment and some of the gambles that I have taken have paid off, I am never the less concerned about where I am heading in the future. My direction at this point is unclear and people from my past have stopped talking to me altogether and I am not sure what that means. Originally I was hoping that I would be back up in the Atlanta area by the beginning of the new year but that doesn't look like that is even in the picture anymore. I have been talking to the Carol, the lady that owns the house that I am attempting to rent about doing a rent to own purchase from her. This would be something that would give me stable roots and something that I am extremely interested in. The truth of the matter is that I am hoping that this first year lease works out and that we get along well with the neighbors and the landlord and that opportunity is still on the table. That would definitely be something of a plus for me going forward. It has been a long time since I have owned my own place and it would be nice to finally have something to call my own again. A place that would continue in my family and be a legacy I could leave to others after I am gone.
Speaking of gone, my father is still very sick and isn't doing all that well with his treatments, which is also a disappointment to me. I don't know what I am going to do if both of my parents pass away, both seem to be going through their own series of medical issues and at the age of 70 they may not be around much longer, and I can't keep depending on them like I used too. This means that I have little time to get my stuff in order and get back on my feet, because once they are gone I will not have any other support system around me. Robert is in Fort Lauderdale and is married now and has a husband to worry about, and all my other close friends are in Atlanta or Pennsylvania, I am here in Florida on my own now. So much has happened over the past 6 years that it is impossible for me to know how my friends in Atlanta are fairing and if they are still doing the same stuff they were doing when I left, I am not sure I want to go back into that situation. Up until 2015 I was traveling up to Atlanta fairly often and was in contact with a lot of them but over the past 3 years my health and situation has changed and I am not as capable as I was before to travel up there and get myself wrapped up in the silly games I used to play around with.
I haven't heard from Kerry or Sterling since I first got to Orlando. I don't know if the plans that Kerry and I were talking about are still on the table or if he has changed his mind and is going about doing his own thing and not included me in those plans or what. Last I heard Sterling was heading out to Washington State to help his friend who was going through some heavy medical issues. So plans moving back to Georgia seem to be on hold indefinitely at this point.
Good news is that Dominic has gotten himself into rehab and will soon begin the program and that will benefit him in the long run. The waiting game is the hardest part right now. But we got him in and got him an ID, the program is supposed to help him with housing and job assistance both of which he needs for the future and will help cover some of the out of pocket expenses I am having to cover at the present time. The only draw back at this moment is that of transportation. I don't have a car and there doesn't look like there is going to be one on the horizon any time soon. I am hoping that our friends Nick and Justine who say they want to come to live with us in Orlando will be able to help me cover the rent and that will free my money up to help with transportation costs.
What I have discovered that with any plan there are bound to be many disappointments in life. It seems that every venture comes with its own share of disappointments, and issues. It is by coming through the disappointments and overcoming the issues or challenges, that we learn and grow. We don't ever start something knowing every nuance there is about it, and unforeseen things tend to crop up at the most inopportune moments, but it by these things that we mature and grow and learn how to deal with them. Life is full of excitement and challenges, but along with those comes the disappointments, the struggles and the of course the doubts. Yet, the rewards for doing a job well done and the feel of accomplishment outweigh the disappointments, discomforts, and tears that we shed over them.
No one ever promised us that life was going to be easy, or free from disappointments, nor did they tell us that it would get easier the further in life you go. No unfortunately, the challenges are going to remain the same or become greater the longer you are alive, the good thing is that the more you experience, the more you learn, the faster you grow, and the more knowledge and wisdom you obtain. Sometimes, it might seem easier to give in to hopelessness and despair, but believe me there isn't any reward in doing such. You will feel better about yourself, and gain more confidence and strength the harder you apply yourself to the situations you find yourself in. Even now as I am facing an uncertain future, and my health isn't the greatest it could be, I find myself in a hopeful place, a place where I can reflect on my past and I have a clear vision of what I have accomplished, what I have survived, what I have come through, what I continue to go through and I have a better more complete understanding of the struggles that I am facing today than I did yesterday. I have more hope today than I felt last month or even last year. I know that if nothing changes I will be alright and I can make it, I can survive and I will.
Don't give in to your despair and doubts, know and reflect constantly on your past and what you have accomplished, achieved and come through. In light of that the challenges of tomorrow won't seem so scary and you will be able to have more confidence in your decisions and your choices. Think smart, stay alert and be vigilante not to succumb to the doubts, depression, and disappointments that creep up on you. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for and you have accomplished so much and gained even more through your personal trials and struggles. Use your story, to help others and give others the tools they need to move forward. Be a shining example of what other can be, even if you have doubts yourself. You never know who will benefit from hearing your story and how your struggles might inspire someone else to move forward in their own life. Life is not easy, it is tough and demanding! Every day is a struggle through grief, strive and your own personal demons, but you can come far just by believing in yourself.
One last note that I would like to share with those of you who are going through your own recovery. Keep in mind that you will have to fight every day to overcome the urges and desires of your brain, but you can do it, you can overcome and be victorious, you have to keep going, even if you have a fall and slip up, don't give up you owe it to yourself and those that love you to keep trying and to live again. It is hard, and doesn't get easier, but I know you have found the strength to start this journey, now all you have to do is fight to make it through. Battle everyday, fight for what you want, and keep your head held up. There are others like you going through it and they too are struggling and you can help each other by sharing your testimony and your story for others to hear. Know that you are not alone, that I am fighting every day the same way you are and if you need me I am hear to offer you words of encouragement and guidance, pick up the phone, call, email, text, I will encourage you as much as I can.
As always you are in my hopes and dreams,
Uncle B
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