Saturday, June 16, 2012

Something I need to say to Joe and Sterling

One more final thing that I need to say to Sterling and Joe is this.  When I found out in December of 2006 I was HIV Positive on top of everything else and Doctor Stringer told me that he was scared that it was going to spread through me like wild fire and I wasn't going to live more that 2 years, I gave up hope. I surrendered and I began seeking death. I did things that were so stupid and life threatening and I hurt you both. I wish I could rewind time and take back all those things, but I can't and I must live with the mess that I created. I did try my best to grant closure and make amends, but there are just some wounds that words can never heal, and actions that caused such pain can never undue the grievous harm they caused only time can heal those.  In all honesty I wasn't out to hurt either of you, it was collateral damage in my reckless pursuit of self-gratification and destruction.  One day I hope both of you can understand this.  Hell I am not sure if either of you will ever read this entry or see these words or know how much each of you mean to me.  How much a part of you both live on in me and have been keeping me going all these years. If it weren't for you and what you did for me and how you cared for me and about me I wouldn't have this opportunity to say these things to you.  "I love you Both always have and always will"

I thought it would be easier if I just got high and reckless and trashed my life.  I was honestly only thinking about myself. I was selfish and stupid, never considering your feelings for me and what you were going through, none of us talked about it. Joe all those times you came to the hospital and helped the nurses clean the room, never once did we talk about how you were feeling or what you were going through and how alone you must have been with me locked up so far away from home in the hospital. See that is one of the problems with being ill you think you have the right to be selfish, you think that you should be catered too. When all the time I should have been looking at what it was doing to you, how you felt and what you were going through.  I didn't see how my selfishness and determination was hurting you and our relationship.  How, a lot of the arguing and fighting was a direct cause of my actions and how I was lashing out at you and the world and God for it all being so unfair.  See, it may have taken me a long time to figure it all out, and it is too late for the Sorry's and the Should have and Could have,  because here we are at the end.  I am hoping that the bitterness and anger will totally dissipate in time, because I know that the wounds are deep and the pain was great.  I never was ungrateful for what you did and you know that.  But the careless abandon and reckless behavior can never be forgiven.

Sterling, you didn't have to go through as much as Joe, but you had to help pick up the pieces of a shattered and battered life, you had to hold my hand as I put my life back together.  You had to teach me things about myself that I should have never forgotten. You taught me how to love myself again and in turn how to love others. You showed me that I was a person of value. Someone that has so much to offer the world and who has a kind and generous heart.  You protected me and bullied me when I needed it. You were solid and forceful and sometimes irritating, but through it all you stuck with me. You gave me the benefit of the doubt and helped me realize that if I didn't take care of myself that no one else would either.  You and I went through so much in such a short time, and here we are still working through things and leaning on each other still and for that I thank you so much.  Thank you for taking the time to call me tonight. Without that strength I might have changed my mind and given up all over again.

If it weren't for the two of you, I wouldn't want to keep fighting, to prove to these doctor's that they are wrong. Both of you have instilled in me a will to survive, and in your own way both of you have brought me to the place I am today.  You have both shown me and taught me so many things. Both of you have given me the courage to take this next necessary step and if this goes well may have even saved my life.  It is with thanks and love that I write this tonight. I want you both to know that is something goes wrong and I don't make it through that you were the last two that I thought about.  I want to make sure that you are both okay and that your futures are bright and filled with love, laughter, happiness, joy and above all else peace.

I love you both and I can never thank you enough for being in my life and part of my history.

I love you,