It is only when I go back and try to do the same things over and over again, or surround myself with the same people that I end up falling down. I had promised myself the last time that I went to Atlanta that I was going to stay away from the Meth community and I was going to get out of the game. I thought it was going to be that easy for me. I had been away for a year, for 8 months I was in Pennsylvania with my mother, and the last 4 months I was in Dallas Texas with my friend Victoria. However, when I made it back to Atlanta I wasn't there a week and I was back in the same old grind, doing the same old thing. I even was hanging with the same old people, doing what I was comfortable with. However, the only thing that I actually changed between my first time there and coming back was I was not going to sell drugs. So instead of selling the stuff, I ended up driving dealers around and facilitating deals. I was making good money, but the truth of the matter was I ended doing as much drugs as I was getting paid.
Plus, my living situation had gone from bad to worse. I had 2 friends that I was trying to help that came to stay with me with promises that they were going to work, they had also agreed that there wouldn't be any drugs in the house and like I said that didn't even last a week. After having them live with me for 6 months without helping out with the bills or rent, I ended up moving others in to help supplement the money situation, however that back fired on me and I ended up with a houseful of people that were living there and not helping with the rent or bills. So what ended up happening was I lost everything and had to move home. But first I ended up having to live on the street for 2 months before I could make it home and that was an interesting situation and something that I learned a lot from. I am absolutely glad that I ended up going through it. I met some interesting people and learned a great deal about myself in the process. However, I never realized how poorly my health was. I was constantly getting high and not really caring what was going on with my body. I knew in October that my kidneys had started failing and that I had kidney stones. However, I avoided most of the pain associated with it because I continued to get high and that cut the sensation of pain I was feeling almost to nothing. I went like this for 3 1/2 months and finally my body got to the point where something had to be done and surgery was necessary to remove the stones.
If it wasn't for the fact that my body revolted against me I might never have stopped what I was doing and how I was bouncing from place to place, and staying in one hotel after another. But, as my health declined and money got tighter, I had some decisions to make. I knew that I needed a break and away to recoup what I had lost, and the only way to do that was to get myself off the streets and somewhere stable. But what was I going to do I didn't have any money and I was living from day to day and not making anything beyond that. So I reached out to my parents and told them that I needed to come home. I was honest about my health situation and my drug situation and I made the conscious choice to leave that world behind and come home.
What I have realized is this, if I would have stayed in the situation that I was in, I would have died. The decisions I made about getting off the street was the best decision I could have made, and coming home was too. It took me getting away from my comfort zone and my friends that were just as stuck as me to see what was happening. The truth is sometimes we are so close to the problem that we cannot see a solution. As was the situation I was in, I had friends with me that were going through the same situation and I was helping them and myself as much as possible. But it wasn't enough, I needed to change my scenery totally in order to realize what I was going through. Sometime you also have to let those close to you go so that you can make it. I know it is hard, but if you really are looking for a change and want to start over sometimes cutting all ties and starting out with a clean break is the only way to succeed.
Trust me when I tell you that it is hard, but you will see how much easier it is for you when you are only worrying about yourself and are only responsible for yourself. I know it is hard to break all ties and make a big leap, but sometimes it is what is necessary if you want to survive. The world is now open to me and I don't have to worry about anyone but myself. So what am I trying to tell you is if you really want to make a change in your life, if you really want to stop the struggle of living day to day, take the chance and walk away. It will be hard at first but trust me you can do it, and you will be glad that you did.
This advice is for anyone who wants to leave behind an addiction, or change their life in a significant way. This is not to be undertaken lightly and trust me when I say this, if you want to make a life altering change you must change everything you are used to. You have to come out of your comfort zone and try doing something that you never would have considered before. If you want to get out of selling drugs do it. Make the change. I know people that did it and you can too. I am living proof and so is my friend Dee. I saw him my last week in Atlanta when I was waiting for a bus, he had been selling crack for a long while and was good at it. But you know what he was living in an extended stay hotel, and his girlfriend got pregnant and he was going to be a father. He didn't want his child or his girl subjected to the life he was leading and he wanted his child to be proud of him. He went out and got a full time job, and you know what, with that first step he started taking college classes at night and soon very soon now he will have his degree. That is what I am talking about he made a change, left the people and the world he knew behind and just did it. Made the change because he was ready and he wanted his child to be proud of him. Well, if he ever reads this or hears that I talked about him, I hope he knows that I am proud of him too and I am so glad that he made the change. I would hate to open the paper one day and see that he got himself killed over some crack cocaine.
My situation is different, I chose the lifestyle I have led. I have the college degrees, both bachelor's and master's degree. So you see my life in the drug world was my own doing, and it was in direct consequence to my cancer and the insecurities that came from it. I have no one else to blame but myself and I have learned from my mistakes. I am now living outside the box and my comfort zone. I am working as a writer. My degrees are in business administration and information technology, so here I am practicing what I am preaching and I am living proof that you can do it.
If you really are serious about wanting to change your life and you want to make each day count. Then it is all up to you! Only you can decide when enough is enough! Only you can make the changes necessary to start a new journey! I can give you advice and tell you what you should do, but the ultimate decision is squarely on your shoulders. I know you have to live it to experience it. No amount of talking and explaining can change that fact. But my blog is here to help you to talk to you and give you insight into things you haven't thought about before. I am here writing to you about my experiences and what I have learned along my journey. Think of this blog as a place to find alternative views on subjects that may or may not be important to you. I know each of you will take away something from every topic I write about, whether it is of a personal nature or something deeply profound. I write because I love to write and I am hoping that my experiences are not singular in nature and that someone out there is going through or has gone through something similar and has found help and respite in my written words. I am here for you, because I want to be. This is my attempt at saving the world, I am not taking in people anymore, I am writing to them giving them hope and encouragement and the benefit of my experiences. Hopefully one person will be help then it will all be worth the effort.
As always I look forward to your feedback, comments, concerns, and welcome you to write to me. If there is something you want me to talk about let me know. I am here to guide in the best way that I know how. Please take a minute and join my blog. All you have to do is just push the button and the rest is done for you. You can always drop me a line at bryanzepp@gmail.com or you can follow me on twitter @bryanzepp or look me up on Facebook facebook.com/
My hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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