Friday, June 1, 2012

Here is something we can grow from.

Has someone said something about you that has hurt you?  Has something someone said about you made you feel uncomforrtable, or a certain way about yourself?  Have you ever been made to cry? Someone made you so mad you couldn't see straight?  I am sure you have.  There is a lesson here, one that will help you stand up for yourself and will definitely make a difference in your life.  A great woman once said, "No one can make me feel anything, do anything that I don't allow them to do." The woman who spoke these words were Jacqueline Kennedy Onasis and she was absolutely right in this statement.

If someone makes you feel any way about yourself, or makes you angry, or brings tears to you, then guess what you have given that person the power.  You have given them power over you to influence you.  You have become co-dependent on that person and their opinions and concerns are weighing on you.  You need to take back that power, you need to reassert yourself and you need to do you.

Many of us take too much time caring about the opinions of others and craving their approval and acceptance that we totally loose ourselves and our individual identity.  It is so easy to get wrapped up in what other people want, need and desire, that you neglect yourself, you no longer are able to make a decision and you are constantly feeling the weight of the others disapproval and you are easily hurt by their opinions.  This is not a healthy situation to find yourself in. you feel like you are working so much harder to gain their respect and approval that everything else you suffers.

The truth of the matter is you are.  You have become listless, directionless and have no sense of self. Living for others is unfulfilling and eventually leads to self-esteem and self-confidence issues.  Everyday becomes a struggle and you have trouble finding yourself and moving forward. You need to take back the power you have given these people, no matter what they think or what they feel.  The truth is they are using you, they are helping to create a situation where you feel powerless, and you need to break free from their hold.  Sometimes, you just have to say no and do for yourself.  You need to be your own individual, why should you care what others think or say?  Are they paying your bills are they doing anything for you?

I will give you a good example of this 2 friends of mine were wanting to move back to Atlanta, and I needed to move from my sister's house, before the move was ever planned, long hours of discussion were had on the phone and plans were made and rules and guidelines were agreed to.  I was the only person that actually lived up to the bargain.  I paid all the deposits, the utillities were in my name, and the apartment was finally moved into,  I moved in one day and drove several hours the very next day to pick up the first one of my friends.  He said he had the money for gas and everything for me to come and get him and the truth of the matter was when I got there he didn't.  Thus started out my adventure in Atlanta, the 2nd person couldn't come for 2 months because they got arreested and had to get that taken care of.  Still I had paid all the bills for the first month and then again for the second month.  Now, it was agreed before we all moved that each of us would work and bring in income with in the first three months.  Never, happened.  Now, the person that I went and picked up is blaming me for everything and ruining his life.  Never once in the 8 months that I had the apartment did he work, now he did try to find work,  the only thing he brought to the table was food stamps, and expeected me to continue paying the electric, gas, rent and everything else. 
Well finally the situation got so bad I moved in others to help with the bills and utilities but that backfired and the situation got worse.  Whenever I mentioned about getting a job or anything else or even asking him to leave my apartment he would scream and threaten and other things.  This is all matter of record and cannot be denied.  What he didn't care to realize is by month 6 I didn't care anymore what his opinions were, and as the situation got worse I went to the office and told them to evict us.  I am still paying for that decision, but you see every cent I made went out in bills and left nothing over for me.  To this day he still thinks he did nothing wrong, and that I am a terrible friend. The truth of the matter is I did the right thing for me. I was enabling him to live his life his way, and I was letting his feelings influence me and make me feel bad.  I refuse to do that anymore because you know what, I know what the promises made weree and I know they weren't kept. 

Now, I have tried to make amends with him and get past what happend between us, but he is still feeling like he was put on, he was injured by all of this and it is all my fault.  Let him think those things, I was there, I know what happened and so do those who were around me.  Whether he ever sees his faultt in any of this is up to him, I am sure one day he will grow up and see how living off of a disabled person and not being a functioning adult made him look to everyone around him.  Further, he no longer has the power over me to make me feel bad or guilty about any of this.  You know why because it was all unhealthy, and when you care about someone to the point that it is hurting you, you need to turn off your feeling, divorce yourself from the situation and keep moving.  Yes I am sure that some of the things I said about him to others hurt, I am sure that what I did by turning off the electric and the gas and making them live there with out it was wrong.  But you know what they were grown men and needed to be responsible for themselves, I wasn't dating them, I wasn't their parent, therefore, I shouldn't have had to pay for them. When I didn't do it anymore that is when he started getting bitter with me. 

I had to do what I had to do, I had to extend tough love, I had to see it through, and on top of that I had to face the consequences of the actions that I took.  At the time all of this was happening I couldn't see another way out of the situation.  So I did what I had to do to take back my own life, my own power, and my own money.  I am so glad I did.  Yes, there are bitter and hurt feelings that I have tried to make better by contact but...it didn't happen.  I wish him the best of luck in his future, and I am moving forward, knowing I have tried, and knowing that it was for the best that the situation ended when it did.

The point of all of this is to help you understand you alone have the authority to give someone power over you and you alone are the only one that can take it away.  Love wisely and give your power responsibly, and if you are being used and abused by it, take it back.  Never, let anyone make you feel less than you are, make you feel like you owe them something, because the truth is you owe no one anything.  But you do owe yourself to be respected and loved appropriately and if that isn't happening pick up and move on.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B