08/29/18
Getting older, aging is a part of life itself. You know that life is fleeting, that we are here one minute and gone the next. This is part of the Human Condition, it is inevitable and everyone of us must face the certainty of death to come.
Most of us measure our lives in years, some by achievements, others by amassed wealth or possessions. No matter how you measure your life you know that at some point it is all going to come to an end. Some plan for it, other's are taken completely unaware, and some live by the moment. Because living in the moment and by the moment keeps them in the present and leaves no room for the past to hold them back or slow them down, that way they can experience and enjoy every moment they have upon the Earth.
It's very hard for me to live in the moment and stay there. Being sick for so long I have tried to teach and program myself to live in the moment and not take each day for granted and enjoy the time I have and give thanks for every new dawn that I get to draw a breathe, but my past has a hold on me and maybe it is fear that is locking me down or just not wanting to totally give up on people that has me constantly looking toward past relationships hoping that one day they might come back into my life. I have explored this in other post, but I honestly think that because they were able to accept me for the person I am with all of my physical limitations and illnesses, that I fear I won't be able to find anyone that will be able to in the future. I know that I am not perfect and I have made many mistakes in my life. That too is a part of the Human Condition, we learn from our mistakes and the more painful the mistake the greater the lesson that is learned. I once believed that the only way that we truly learn is through pain, however as I have gotten older I am beginning to see that humans have a a greater capacity for learning and understanding than I once had given us credit for. I have since learned that we also learn through memorization, repetition and through trust, these are the most common ways we retain knowledge.
Yet wisdom is something that is gained from knowledge accumulated over time and put into practical use and practice. Just because you have some knowledge and understanding it doesn't mean that you are wise or have achieved wisdom. I think wisdom is knowing when to apply your knowledge and understanding tempered with kindness and compassion. This can take years to achieve and is something that we gain as we age and mature. It is not something that happens overnight, wisdom, patience, understanding, compassion and knowledge all go hand in and hand. In order to achieve the state of wisdom you must master all the required parts.
As most of you are aware I have been sick since 1992. Not every single day but more often than not. I have battled many types of cancer along with hepatitis C and HIV. I have experienced chronic renal failure, had more surgeries than you can imagine and recently started experiencing heart issues. No one knows better than me how fragile this body is, how tenuous our life is and how fleeting the moments we share with other can be. No one knows when we are going to die, not the hour or the day. Some of our lives may be long life, others will be cut short. None us can fathom the cause of our own demise whether it be from illness, tragedy, disaster or some other form.
I have always tried to cultivate lasting relationships, I have wanted to be in all the way for the long haul. Everywhere, I have gone and every person I meet I try to lay the groundwork and foundation for a long enduring and lasting friendship. Many of you I have met in high school, college or during my time in the Navy, others still from my time when I was in Atlanta, when I moved there 25 years ago. Technology has come a long way enabling us to reach out and talk to each other. FaceBook, Twitter and other social media have given us a platform and an environment where each of us can showcase our lives and achievements. Where we can record the narrative of our lives and reach out and connect with those that we have lost contact with over the years. Times have sure changed!
In just a few short months I will be turning 50 years old. Many of my friends and loved ones didn't make it to my age and I miss them sorely, and think about them all the time. I find turning 50 both a blessing and a curse, I had never in a million years ever thought that I would ever make to this age. I can remember when I was in my early 20's thinking that I wouldn't ever reach 35 and that was so old back then. I sneezed and looked in the mirror and wow look at all the time that has passed. I still grieve and mourn for those that have come into my life and are no longer with us. Many of whom I feel were more deserving than me to live, yet they were take away totally too soon.
Many of my peers can relate, we lived through the 80's and 90's and lost so many friend during that time. Even though I am aging and my body is weakening and falling apart, I will tell you that I am thankful and grateful to be here with you still today. But life is finite, it is fleeting and sometimes very brief. Please be sure to make time to talk to those that mean something to you. Reach out to them and tell them that you love them, and appreciate the. Let them know that you care and they are important to you. There are so many friends that I have lost over the years to drugs, disease and tragedy that I wish I could have told them how much I cared about them and how much they meant to me. If I had the opportunity now to tell them something I would tell them that I miss them every day and wish that I had been a better friend and knew how to communicate better with them when they were alive.
I don't know how much time I have left. You don't know how much time you have left either. Somebody can be in your life one day and be gone the next. I know this from very personal experience. I just recently lost a roommate and a very good friend around the same time that I found out that my dad had extensive lung cancer and metastasized tumors in the brain, my brother is dealing with End Stage Renal disease and my mother a paraplegic and extremely ill. This has all come to light in just a very short time span and I don't know when or if I will ever get to see any of them again.
Do yourself a favor and reach out to those that you count as a friend and loved one let them know exactly how much they mean to you, tell them that they matter to you. If you aren't truly there for them like you should be or if your friendship is strained then make and effort to fix it before it is too late. Save yourself some regret and make it right. Because you just don't know what tomorrow might bring.
So at this time I want to reach out to each and every one of you. I want to say thank you for being my friend. Thank you for listening to me, being there for me! You are important to me and I care about you and I am thinking about you a lot. Pick up the phone, drop and email, write a letter, send a card do something! Let's get our friendship back on track, you are part of me, you have taught me so much and I am grateful for you each and every day. I miss interacting with you, being able to see you and talk to you. I want to reclaim our friendship. I am here for you and I love you. My life is more complete just because you are in it and I wouldn't want it any other way. We need each other!
LIVE IS FINITE IT HAS AND END! I want you to be there with me all the way! What do you say I look forward to hearing from you soon.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Wednesday, August 29, 2018
Sunday, August 26, 2018
Learn, Live and Adapt
08/02/18
Who could have known that a series of misadventures would lead to the discovery of a serious heart problem. A dear friend passed away in Jacksonville, almost around the same time that I found out that my father had lung cancer. Another friend asked me to help him so I thought that I could make a few bucks helping him out and visit my father and family at the same time. How was I too know that my car was going to get stolen from me along with my wallet and my phone.
Or that the person I came to help would end up screwing up my checking accounts so bad that I would end up losing one of them due to fraud. Which also led me to lose my credit card and cause so much anxiety and tension between my roommate and myself that I would end up becoming homeless once again and put me in the hospital for almost 2 complete months.
During the hospital stay I was to find out that the lower artery of my heart was completely blocked. I also found out that since my partial nephrectomy that both of my kidneys had shrunk and that dialysis was looming ever closer to my future. Further, I discovered that my roommate in Jacksonville wasn't as much of a friend as he claimed to be because not only did he tell me that he changed the locks and that I couldn't come home, even though I had paid my rent. He ended up taking everything I owned and left me with only the shorts and t-shirt that I left Jacksonville with. Not to mention that since I have been out of the hospital he hasn't tried to contact me once. Wonder why I even considered him a friend.
On July 15th I had heart surgery and was soon released from the hospital. Actually on the day that I got out Travis text me and told me that supposedly we had been evicted from the apartment and everything I owned was lost and gone forever. I have since learned from his Aunt and other friends that he lied about it. Sorry to say that I once considered Travis Young a friend but I found out the hard way that he was nothing but a liar, user and a thief.
Starting over is never an easy thing to do. This time it was going to be especially hard just coming out of major heart surgery, having lost everything including my car and all my worldly possessions and not having a cent to my name. I really had no idea what I was going to do, but I knew that going back to living on the street wasn't an option for me this time. My health was too poor to handle the situation. I had already been in Daytona almost 2 1/2 months by the time I was released from the hospital and all of my medical supplies and medication was left in Jacksonville. I had never imagined that I was going to be stuck in Daytona as long as I was. Originally I was only supposed to be gone a couple of hours and then all of the bullshit started happening and I got stuck and trapped with no wallet and no phone.
So here I was released from the hospital with no place to go, and nowhere to turn. I ended up spending the night at my father's house and contacting my friend in Orlando to see if I could come and stay with her. Once I had done all of that I contacted Progressive to see what they had determined to do with my insurance claim on my stolen car. To my dismay they decided that it was better to total the car versus fix the damage that was done to the vehicle and so I am homeless and pretty much stranded with no exit strategy in place.
My friend Judy agreed to let me come stay with her because she is about to have surgery and wold need someone to help her during her recovery. So it seems like making the decision to come to Orlando was the right decision after all. My friend Jack bought me a bus ticket to Orlando and I was soon off to start over once again. I have only been here a couple of days and I have already gotten my cell phone service re-established and my internet account set up, also have transferred my medicare and gotten a new primary care physician. I am well on the road to recovery from my folly!
If things continue at this pace I will be re-established with the VA and Ryan White and all the other services that I need in record time. When I moved to Jacksonville it took me almost 4 months to get totally established and recover all the things that I had to leave behind in Daytona. Sometimes making the wrong decision can work out in your advantage as I am finding out. It will not take me near as long to get myself back to where I was when I left Jacksonville this time. It is true that I lost all my clothes, shoes and hats. Most of my important papers are also gone but I was able to come to terms with this loss so much better. Maybe it was because of the amount of time I was in the hospital and how serious my illness was, but honestly I am finding it so much easier to cope with loosing things this time around.
Plus I have come full circle in my life, who knows what my future may hold, I could even end up back in Atlanta. Seems like forces are aligning towards that direction in my future. Kerry and I have been talking again and once he recovers from his craniotomy we have discussed us moving back to Atlanta together. Kerry and I have a long history together spending close to 12 years dating off and on. I am not saying that we are destined for one another or anything like that. All I can tell you is that our story isn't finished yet, there are still several more chapters to write in that book. For those of you who have been following my blog from the beginning you might recall my experiment of love from the past. The series of misadventures that Kerry and I had in Daytona, Los Angeles, and so much more!
Life has pulled us apart, but every 4 or 5 years or so we are drawn back together. This is actually our 5th year apart and he almost came to visit me in Jacksonville back in March, to be honest with you I was really disappointed when he couldn't make it and ended up back in LA before we had a chance to get together. You never know if we would have gotten together in March things may have turned out totally differently, but since it didn't happen that way there really is no need to speculate. Just understand that we are talking again and things are different between us then before. I am worried about him, he has to have surgery on his head again in a couple of weeks and I don't know what is going to happen.
But I am learning that the key to surviving and even possibly living is you must have the ability to adapt to whatever situation life throws your way. Further, if you really want to overcome the obstacles and hinderances that people throw in your way you have to develop and attitude of not caring. You have to look out for yourself and put your own well being before that of others. This has been a major problem for me ever since Joe and I broke up and Sterling and I started dating. When Sterling and I broke up and Kerry and I decided to become a couple and life began to change dramatically for me. It became clear that I was a nurturer and that I felt the compulsive need to take care of someone and with Kerry that need was filled because of his aneurysm. Who really knows what the future is going to bring I certainly don't. What I do know is that life gets far less complicated when you aren't burdened with carrying the things from your past with you.
It is true that I have lost everything that tied me to my past, I lost all the stuff from my relationship with Joe and the 12 years that we were together and the things that I managed to salvage from that relationship. Then I lost everything from my time in Florida and Georgia, and California because I couldn't afford to pay for the 2 storage units I had. So when I left Daytona and went to Jacksonville I had pretty much already lost everything that tied me to my past and all the associated memories that were with them. The truth of the matter is despite the loss of my physical possessions I still have the memories intact. There is no way that I can forget all that I have been through and the people that I have met along my life. The truth is what I have done in the past has become a part of me that have molded me and shaped me into the person I am today. These memories are mine and can never be taken away from me, the people I have history with are still a part of my life and I theirs. Though I don't get to see them as often as I like we have a shared past that is unique between us and can never be changed or broken, a bond has been forged and lessons learned.
Though my future is unclear as to where I am going to end up and who I will be with. The truth is that at this moment I don't really care. Those that are important to me are still in contact with me. Like I said it really should be more but they have lives to lead and I have mine to get back on track so I can understand the distance, though it really doesn't help the lonely feelings that I experience from time to time. I just know that at some point in the future we will see each other again and things will not feel stained or strange.
Sterling, Jason, Scotty, Kerry, John, Alan, Allen, Jaime, and all the other friends that I have made throughout my life, we will see each other again of this I am certain. It might not be this year, or even next year but it will happen. Its funny that life has been throwing curve balls in my direction. Yet, even with them life seems to turn out just the way it is supposed to be and I end up in exactly the right place at the right time. It will happen for you too if you are just open to the future of possibilities and live learn and adapt to anything that life deems fit to throw your way.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you!
Uncle B
Who could have known that a series of misadventures would lead to the discovery of a serious heart problem. A dear friend passed away in Jacksonville, almost around the same time that I found out that my father had lung cancer. Another friend asked me to help him so I thought that I could make a few bucks helping him out and visit my father and family at the same time. How was I too know that my car was going to get stolen from me along with my wallet and my phone.
Or that the person I came to help would end up screwing up my checking accounts so bad that I would end up losing one of them due to fraud. Which also led me to lose my credit card and cause so much anxiety and tension between my roommate and myself that I would end up becoming homeless once again and put me in the hospital for almost 2 complete months.
During the hospital stay I was to find out that the lower artery of my heart was completely blocked. I also found out that since my partial nephrectomy that both of my kidneys had shrunk and that dialysis was looming ever closer to my future. Further, I discovered that my roommate in Jacksonville wasn't as much of a friend as he claimed to be because not only did he tell me that he changed the locks and that I couldn't come home, even though I had paid my rent. He ended up taking everything I owned and left me with only the shorts and t-shirt that I left Jacksonville with. Not to mention that since I have been out of the hospital he hasn't tried to contact me once. Wonder why I even considered him a friend.
On July 15th I had heart surgery and was soon released from the hospital. Actually on the day that I got out Travis text me and told me that supposedly we had been evicted from the apartment and everything I owned was lost and gone forever. I have since learned from his Aunt and other friends that he lied about it. Sorry to say that I once considered Travis Young a friend but I found out the hard way that he was nothing but a liar, user and a thief.
Starting over is never an easy thing to do. This time it was going to be especially hard just coming out of major heart surgery, having lost everything including my car and all my worldly possessions and not having a cent to my name. I really had no idea what I was going to do, but I knew that going back to living on the street wasn't an option for me this time. My health was too poor to handle the situation. I had already been in Daytona almost 2 1/2 months by the time I was released from the hospital and all of my medical supplies and medication was left in Jacksonville. I had never imagined that I was going to be stuck in Daytona as long as I was. Originally I was only supposed to be gone a couple of hours and then all of the bullshit started happening and I got stuck and trapped with no wallet and no phone.
So here I was released from the hospital with no place to go, and nowhere to turn. I ended up spending the night at my father's house and contacting my friend in Orlando to see if I could come and stay with her. Once I had done all of that I contacted Progressive to see what they had determined to do with my insurance claim on my stolen car. To my dismay they decided that it was better to total the car versus fix the damage that was done to the vehicle and so I am homeless and pretty much stranded with no exit strategy in place.
My friend Judy agreed to let me come stay with her because she is about to have surgery and wold need someone to help her during her recovery. So it seems like making the decision to come to Orlando was the right decision after all. My friend Jack bought me a bus ticket to Orlando and I was soon off to start over once again. I have only been here a couple of days and I have already gotten my cell phone service re-established and my internet account set up, also have transferred my medicare and gotten a new primary care physician. I am well on the road to recovery from my folly!
If things continue at this pace I will be re-established with the VA and Ryan White and all the other services that I need in record time. When I moved to Jacksonville it took me almost 4 months to get totally established and recover all the things that I had to leave behind in Daytona. Sometimes making the wrong decision can work out in your advantage as I am finding out. It will not take me near as long to get myself back to where I was when I left Jacksonville this time. It is true that I lost all my clothes, shoes and hats. Most of my important papers are also gone but I was able to come to terms with this loss so much better. Maybe it was because of the amount of time I was in the hospital and how serious my illness was, but honestly I am finding it so much easier to cope with loosing things this time around.
Plus I have come full circle in my life, who knows what my future may hold, I could even end up back in Atlanta. Seems like forces are aligning towards that direction in my future. Kerry and I have been talking again and once he recovers from his craniotomy we have discussed us moving back to Atlanta together. Kerry and I have a long history together spending close to 12 years dating off and on. I am not saying that we are destined for one another or anything like that. All I can tell you is that our story isn't finished yet, there are still several more chapters to write in that book. For those of you who have been following my blog from the beginning you might recall my experiment of love from the past. The series of misadventures that Kerry and I had in Daytona, Los Angeles, and so much more!
Life has pulled us apart, but every 4 or 5 years or so we are drawn back together. This is actually our 5th year apart and he almost came to visit me in Jacksonville back in March, to be honest with you I was really disappointed when he couldn't make it and ended up back in LA before we had a chance to get together. You never know if we would have gotten together in March things may have turned out totally differently, but since it didn't happen that way there really is no need to speculate. Just understand that we are talking again and things are different between us then before. I am worried about him, he has to have surgery on his head again in a couple of weeks and I don't know what is going to happen.
But I am learning that the key to surviving and even possibly living is you must have the ability to adapt to whatever situation life throws your way. Further, if you really want to overcome the obstacles and hinderances that people throw in your way you have to develop and attitude of not caring. You have to look out for yourself and put your own well being before that of others. This has been a major problem for me ever since Joe and I broke up and Sterling and I started dating. When Sterling and I broke up and Kerry and I decided to become a couple and life began to change dramatically for me. It became clear that I was a nurturer and that I felt the compulsive need to take care of someone and with Kerry that need was filled because of his aneurysm. Who really knows what the future is going to bring I certainly don't. What I do know is that life gets far less complicated when you aren't burdened with carrying the things from your past with you.
It is true that I have lost everything that tied me to my past, I lost all the stuff from my relationship with Joe and the 12 years that we were together and the things that I managed to salvage from that relationship. Then I lost everything from my time in Florida and Georgia, and California because I couldn't afford to pay for the 2 storage units I had. So when I left Daytona and went to Jacksonville I had pretty much already lost everything that tied me to my past and all the associated memories that were with them. The truth of the matter is despite the loss of my physical possessions I still have the memories intact. There is no way that I can forget all that I have been through and the people that I have met along my life. The truth is what I have done in the past has become a part of me that have molded me and shaped me into the person I am today. These memories are mine and can never be taken away from me, the people I have history with are still a part of my life and I theirs. Though I don't get to see them as often as I like we have a shared past that is unique between us and can never be changed or broken, a bond has been forged and lessons learned.
Though my future is unclear as to where I am going to end up and who I will be with. The truth is that at this moment I don't really care. Those that are important to me are still in contact with me. Like I said it really should be more but they have lives to lead and I have mine to get back on track so I can understand the distance, though it really doesn't help the lonely feelings that I experience from time to time. I just know that at some point in the future we will see each other again and things will not feel stained or strange.
Sterling, Jason, Scotty, Kerry, John, Alan, Allen, Jaime, and all the other friends that I have made throughout my life, we will see each other again of this I am certain. It might not be this year, or even next year but it will happen. Its funny that life has been throwing curve balls in my direction. Yet, even with them life seems to turn out just the way it is supposed to be and I end up in exactly the right place at the right time. It will happen for you too if you are just open to the future of possibilities and live learn and adapt to anything that life deems fit to throw your way.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you!
Uncle B
Saturday, August 18, 2018
Saturday oh what a Day
You may be wondering where I have been for so long and why I haven’t posted anything? Well I have been in and out of hospitals and recovering from all sorts of medical issues, then there was the fact that I lost everything that I owned that was up in Jacksonville. I may never find out what really happened to my stuff, I just know that what I was told seems highly unlikely to have occurred and I am saddened that I lost a friend over stuff like that. However, may the stuff that he has of mine serve him well as he embarks on the new journey of his life.
I just know that I was stuck and had no help out of my situation and was constantly in and out of the hospital. He didn’t bother to come and see me or try to find out what was happening with me, he just turned his back and blamed everything that happened on me and walked away. He made me very uncomfortable the last time I saw him anyway, and his behavior really left questions in my mind as to his real thoughts and intentions. With that being said it is time for me to move on and explain why I haven’t written in my blog in so long.
The truth is that I have been writing and it is all down on paper in a 3 ring binder here on my desk. But since I didn’t have a computer I had no way to get the information into the blog like I normally would have. But I have stuff dating back to my final day in the hospital back at the end of July. I have been in Orlando exactly a month and I have to say that I am in a much more stable environment than what I had been in. Already everything that I lost except for the car has been recovered. I have gotten a new bed, a new computer, a new laptop, my iphone service turned back on, an ipad as well as an android tablet.
There are some things that are different though, I am away from Daytona and the influences of the people there, which in my case is a good thing. I couldn’t understand why I kept ending up in the hospital and why my kidney’s and blood pressure kept failing. Come to find out that the major artery to my heart was almost 85% clogged and I had to have a heart catheter and angioplasty to fix the blockage. So on July 15th I had heart surgery. It was scary, but several good things came out of having that surgery, immediately following it my blood pressure stabilized and I stopped having the dizzy spells and seizures that I had been having prior to the surgery, and my kidney function improved almost back to normal levels. Indicating to the doctors that I may not be as close to dialysis as they had thought.
But since I couldn’t get online and give you regular updates I decided to sit down and do it today. Just last night I was writing in my journal and was talking about what I was thinking about my future and weighing my past. Something that I have been doing all week actually and most of the posts that I am about to type up are regarding that same issue. But today was a beautiful day full of sunshine and no rain as of yet. Which is something of a change in weather for what it has been like around here since the first day I arrived.
No matter what I am headed on the right path at this point, God has given me back all that I have lost and then some. I am even doing well enough that I feel I am at a new point in my life and can honestly say that I have a future. I have wrapped up many of the loose ends that I had left in Jacksonville, paid off the bed that I no longer have and the frame, I also got my checking accounts straightened out and I have gotten myself back into care with the VA and got my medicare straightened out. All and all I am very happy with my progress since I have been here. But, seeing as I had no other options, and the person who I was staying with and considered my friend turned me out like that, claimed that he had changed the locks and told me that I wasn’t welcome back there, then just a week or so later text me saying that everything I owned was lost that supposedly the landlord had evicted us and my stuff was on the side of the road and gone.
I know that this is not the real truth, it may have some factual basis, but being a retired attorney I know that there is an eviction process and that with me being in the hospital in intensive care my roommate could have used that and gotten an extension, he could have fought the eviction and won especially since he just suffered the loss of his partner and then I had the heart attack and was in the hospital. But No everything that me and my ex had left up there is either gone or he is using at his own. Either way it is on him. I know that my situation was extreme and I had people lying too me, stealing from me, and literally trashed my bank accounts, credit cards and the whole nine-yards. But, that is all in the past and I am in a better place with all new things and life is once again sunny.
I couldn’t have asked for a better Saturday, I woke up a little tire and a bit sore, but that quickly passed and once I got out and was able to enjoy the sun I felt so much better. So much so that I am sitting here now typing to you telling you all about it. I am still having some minor chest pains, but I see the cardiologist next week again and hopefully he will be able to tell me what is going on with my heart and why I am still hurting after all this time. I sure hope that it isn’t another heat attack coming because the first one was very scary and totally unexpected.
Anyhow, I hope that you have a glorious Saturday like I did. I am going to start typing my past entries into the journal. Though they are not actually going to be posted on the date they were written. I will make sure that I put somewhere the date that I wrote them, and hopefully by Wednesday I will be caught up enough and will be able to keep writing almost daily and let you know what is happening and going on.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
I just know that I was stuck and had no help out of my situation and was constantly in and out of the hospital. He didn’t bother to come and see me or try to find out what was happening with me, he just turned his back and blamed everything that happened on me and walked away. He made me very uncomfortable the last time I saw him anyway, and his behavior really left questions in my mind as to his real thoughts and intentions. With that being said it is time for me to move on and explain why I haven’t written in my blog in so long.
The truth is that I have been writing and it is all down on paper in a 3 ring binder here on my desk. But since I didn’t have a computer I had no way to get the information into the blog like I normally would have. But I have stuff dating back to my final day in the hospital back at the end of July. I have been in Orlando exactly a month and I have to say that I am in a much more stable environment than what I had been in. Already everything that I lost except for the car has been recovered. I have gotten a new bed, a new computer, a new laptop, my iphone service turned back on, an ipad as well as an android tablet.
There are some things that are different though, I am away from Daytona and the influences of the people there, which in my case is a good thing. I couldn’t understand why I kept ending up in the hospital and why my kidney’s and blood pressure kept failing. Come to find out that the major artery to my heart was almost 85% clogged and I had to have a heart catheter and angioplasty to fix the blockage. So on July 15th I had heart surgery. It was scary, but several good things came out of having that surgery, immediately following it my blood pressure stabilized and I stopped having the dizzy spells and seizures that I had been having prior to the surgery, and my kidney function improved almost back to normal levels. Indicating to the doctors that I may not be as close to dialysis as they had thought.
But since I couldn’t get online and give you regular updates I decided to sit down and do it today. Just last night I was writing in my journal and was talking about what I was thinking about my future and weighing my past. Something that I have been doing all week actually and most of the posts that I am about to type up are regarding that same issue. But today was a beautiful day full of sunshine and no rain as of yet. Which is something of a change in weather for what it has been like around here since the first day I arrived.
No matter what I am headed on the right path at this point, God has given me back all that I have lost and then some. I am even doing well enough that I feel I am at a new point in my life and can honestly say that I have a future. I have wrapped up many of the loose ends that I had left in Jacksonville, paid off the bed that I no longer have and the frame, I also got my checking accounts straightened out and I have gotten myself back into care with the VA and got my medicare straightened out. All and all I am very happy with my progress since I have been here. But, seeing as I had no other options, and the person who I was staying with and considered my friend turned me out like that, claimed that he had changed the locks and told me that I wasn’t welcome back there, then just a week or so later text me saying that everything I owned was lost that supposedly the landlord had evicted us and my stuff was on the side of the road and gone.
I know that this is not the real truth, it may have some factual basis, but being a retired attorney I know that there is an eviction process and that with me being in the hospital in intensive care my roommate could have used that and gotten an extension, he could have fought the eviction and won especially since he just suffered the loss of his partner and then I had the heart attack and was in the hospital. But No everything that me and my ex had left up there is either gone or he is using at his own. Either way it is on him. I know that my situation was extreme and I had people lying too me, stealing from me, and literally trashed my bank accounts, credit cards and the whole nine-yards. But, that is all in the past and I am in a better place with all new things and life is once again sunny.
I couldn’t have asked for a better Saturday, I woke up a little tire and a bit sore, but that quickly passed and once I got out and was able to enjoy the sun I felt so much better. So much so that I am sitting here now typing to you telling you all about it. I am still having some minor chest pains, but I see the cardiologist next week again and hopefully he will be able to tell me what is going on with my heart and why I am still hurting after all this time. I sure hope that it isn’t another heat attack coming because the first one was very scary and totally unexpected.
Anyhow, I hope that you have a glorious Saturday like I did. I am going to start typing my past entries into the journal. Though they are not actually going to be posted on the date they were written. I will make sure that I put somewhere the date that I wrote them, and hopefully by Wednesday I will be caught up enough and will be able to keep writing almost daily and let you know what is happening and going on.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
The Past is never far away
This month has been a trying and tiring month for me. I found out the hard way that the past comes back to haunt you when you least expect it. I started work in April for Spring Mobile an AT&T Authorized Retailer, things were going very good and I was really enjoying my job. I was being trained as an opener and closer for the two different stores. At one point it was even mentioned that I might be trained as an assistant manager. But during this time home life started to get a little complicated. My friend Travis's lover got really sick and ended up in ICU at Shands Hospital in Jacksonville, FL. I ended up having to take a couple of days off because at one point because Mario's dad flew in to see his son in the hospital.
Just a week ago, I went into work and was called into the office. The district manager came in and sat down and began talking to me. My background check came back with some issues that he wanted to address. I was told that there was a couple of items that showed up while GameStop was doing my background check. I knew immediately what they were talking about. For those of you that remember last summer back in July I got in trouble with a misdemeanor that ended up violating my probation that I was place on for cashing a bad check. Now, it was my understanding that when I appeared before Judge Case in Daytona that this matter was finished an over with. As a matter of fact I was sentenced to 60 days in Jail and upon completion was deemed non adjudicated. The district manager asked me for my side of the story, I explained it to him and was told that I needed to bring in the paperwork from the court showing the dispensation of the charges. I immediately called the public defenders office in Volusia County and within 15 minutes I was bringing them the paperwork that they had asked for.
The very first page showed the adjudication withheld status, but I was still told that I was going to be suspended till legal could look over the document and give the district manager their input as to whether or not the company was going to continue to utilize me. I was upset and frustrated by this decision because I think that it was totally unfair and with everything else that was happening in my life with my friend Travis's lover in the hospital I certainly felt that this was the worse possible timing that could have happened.
But the rub of the story is that I was off the entire weekend and when I was actually scheduled to work, and as I was getting ready to go back to work for the following Tuesday because I saw that my name was still on the schedule. I got a call from the store manager and was told that Spring Mobile had decided to part employment. I was very upset and sent a message to the district manager asking him to call me back and fill me in on the whole decision. He promptly returned my call, but explained that as far as he could tell from what the legal team was telling him was that I was incorrect in my assertion that adjudication was withheld. I was given a number to call and I called them immediately and launched an investigation and requested that more research be done on my behalf and asked for the decision be reversed.
I was told that the process would take about 2 weeks and that the employer would be notified, but here is what happened. I was removed from all the email and chat groups, and my work email was terminated immediately. I still haven't heard back from the investigator about what was happening with my request and here it is a week later and I am gainfully unemployed and have no real prospects of anything else.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you!
Uncle B
Just a week ago, I went into work and was called into the office. The district manager came in and sat down and began talking to me. My background check came back with some issues that he wanted to address. I was told that there was a couple of items that showed up while GameStop was doing my background check. I knew immediately what they were talking about. For those of you that remember last summer back in July I got in trouble with a misdemeanor that ended up violating my probation that I was place on for cashing a bad check. Now, it was my understanding that when I appeared before Judge Case in Daytona that this matter was finished an over with. As a matter of fact I was sentenced to 60 days in Jail and upon completion was deemed non adjudicated. The district manager asked me for my side of the story, I explained it to him and was told that I needed to bring in the paperwork from the court showing the dispensation of the charges. I immediately called the public defenders office in Volusia County and within 15 minutes I was bringing them the paperwork that they had asked for.
The very first page showed the adjudication withheld status, but I was still told that I was going to be suspended till legal could look over the document and give the district manager their input as to whether or not the company was going to continue to utilize me. I was upset and frustrated by this decision because I think that it was totally unfair and with everything else that was happening in my life with my friend Travis's lover in the hospital I certainly felt that this was the worse possible timing that could have happened.
But the rub of the story is that I was off the entire weekend and when I was actually scheduled to work, and as I was getting ready to go back to work for the following Tuesday because I saw that my name was still on the schedule. I got a call from the store manager and was told that Spring Mobile had decided to part employment. I was very upset and sent a message to the district manager asking him to call me back and fill me in on the whole decision. He promptly returned my call, but explained that as far as he could tell from what the legal team was telling him was that I was incorrect in my assertion that adjudication was withheld. I was given a number to call and I called them immediately and launched an investigation and requested that more research be done on my behalf and asked for the decision be reversed.
I was told that the process would take about 2 weeks and that the employer would be notified, but here is what happened. I was removed from all the email and chat groups, and my work email was terminated immediately. I still haven't heard back from the investigator about what was happening with my request and here it is a week later and I am gainfully unemployed and have no real prospects of anything else.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you!
Uncle B
Monday, March 26, 2018
Smile
I am sitting here listening to my favorite songs and the music that is flowing all around me reminds me of a bright beautiful smile.
A smile is a state of being
it is conveyed in the tone of your voice,
it is the light that shines around you.
It warm the coldest places,
brighten the darkest days,
It truly is a positive feeling of the mind
when you have a smile on your face and in your heart
Positive energy flows out and is returned to you 3 fold
People notice it
People feel it
People enjoy it
so will you
So turn your frown upside down
smile and enjoy the blessings you are about to receive
when that smile touches your eyes and is sincere
Darkness fades
Happiness invades
Joy abounds
Pain rebounds
and nothing will hold you down
Try it out and you will see what I mean
Today is a new day let your inner beauty shine out
Through your bright smile.
It is all up to you hold on to the past and frown
You really don't have to be that sad clown
let it all go and enjoy
Smile you are beautiful inside and out.
As always my thoughts and prayers are with you,
Uncle B
A smile is a state of being
it is conveyed in the tone of your voice,
it is the light that shines around you.
It warm the coldest places,
brighten the darkest days,
It truly is a positive feeling of the mind
when you have a smile on your face and in your heart
Positive energy flows out and is returned to you 3 fold
People notice it
People feel it
People enjoy it
so will you
So turn your frown upside down
smile and enjoy the blessings you are about to receive
when that smile touches your eyes and is sincere
Darkness fades
Happiness invades
Joy abounds
Pain rebounds
and nothing will hold you down
Try it out and you will see what I mean
Today is a new day let your inner beauty shine out
Through your bright smile.
It is all up to you hold on to the past and frown
You really don't have to be that sad clown
let it all go and enjoy
Smile you are beautiful inside and out.
As always my thoughts and prayers are with you,
Uncle B
Sunday, March 18, 2018
Everything you said but didn't really mean
You have walked away and left me after 4 long years. You made some promises and said a lot of things but in the end you never meant any one of them. You said you loved me, but you left and didn't come back, I came for you and you wouldn't come. Then you blamed me and said things that were hard and untrue. You tried to turn this around on me, but the truth of the matter is that you never really cared. If you did you would be here. You wouldn't have said the thing you did to others. You had me convinced that I was the problem, yet over the last 2 years the violence has increased instead of walking away you would rather hit me, spit on me and say unkind words. This is not love, this is not something that one should have to endure. Yet, despite it all I have been there for you, sheltered you and still tried to make things work.
Do you get a sense of satisfaction hurting me and using me. Telling people that I am nasty and that you can't stand to be around me. But when you are in trouble or in a bind I am the one that you come and find. I have remained constant and faithful doing what I could to show that I care, yet you are not here your still there. I am going through so much and you don't even care. You don't call or write, I only hear from you when you need something or want something from me. That is not fair.
My mind is in disarray, my emotions are scattered. My nights are sleepless and I am very restless. Yet still my heart is hurting because I have a love for you. Despite all that you have done to me and against me I am still here. But that my dear one is about to come to an end. I am torn you have accused me of talking to others behind your back which isn't true. Many have reached out and talked to me about the things that you are doing. It breaks my heart to think that you would be so cruel but the words that I have heard you have thrown in my face before so they can't be anything but true. I find that it has been you that has spoken to others about me and made me seem a monster.
I am finding out that I have been scared to leave because I have been afraid of being alone, but it seems so easy for you to throw me away. I have been reminded recently by many people that if you truly cared you would be here, you would be going through this with me. Someone who loves and cares about another would move heaven and earth to be with that person in their time of need. Yet, there you are getting high and still shooting dope after you promised you would stop if I bailed you out. You promised that you would be with me and go to every doctor appointment that I wouldn't have to do this all alone. Words, just empty hollow words it is the same thing every time you are in jail you make promises, tell me that you miss me, that you want to marry me, and stay with me. Yet where are you now? Not here!
You went back to Daytona to take care of your legal problems and appear for pre-trial services but guess what everyday the bondsman calls demanding that I pay them for both of your bonds. You are hiding and on the run. I am left holding the bag and soon they will be taking money from my check to cover the $6,500.00 that you were your bonds. I put my faith and trust in you and you have let me down not this time but over and over again. I don't know what you expect me to do, I can't live torn up like this. You have no respect for me, you have no love for me and you made the choice to leave and not return. Through all of this I have been patient, I have reached out to you and I have sent you money even when I knew I shouldn't have. Days have gone by and I hear nothing from you. I have had serious test run and spoken to surgeons and have you reached out to find out about their outcome? NO.
I am writing this to try and sort out my feelings, to know my heart and to try and clean the wounds in my mind. Yes I am hurt, but I need to let go. You are doing nothing for me and haven't for a long long time except make excuses and lie. I came here to re-build, re-group and get my feet back under me I am doing well with that. Yet I waste energy and money on you when I should be focusing on myself first. You have shown by your actions that you don't want me around. I have been told some of the things you think of me. I am amazed that you can lie directly too me and tell me that you love me and care for me yet still do and say the things that you have been doing. Karma is a terrible mistress and she will come and collect from you all that you have put out. People are saying that you are lying and stealing from them, that you are using them when I hear these things I don't know what to say. I am sad because things that I have been told about you in the past of things that you used to do behind my back have proven to be true and it hurts more and more.
The person that I fell in love with 4 plus years ago isn't you. I don't know where that man went. He wouldn't have left me, he didn't leave me when I was sick and almost died, he stayed by my side and protected me. He would never hit me, but since the trailer on Nova Rd it has become worse and worse. I am not the type to give up on another person, but it seems that you have given up on me so why should I stand in a relationship all alone? A relationship is a partnership between two individuals to come together and support one another, to build a better future for each other. I don't know what else to do but say goodbye and walk away. Something that you have already done. Days and weeks go by and I hear nothing from you, yet I continue to pay for your cellphone bill. You aren't here for me!
I have no idea what you expect from me or what you thought was going to happen. But you have been gone over 3 months and it really doesn't seem like you have any intention of returning. I am probably leaving and going back to California and starting over. There is nothing in Florida for me anymore.
Please take care. I do still care, but I can't put myself out there anymore for you. My heart is broken and it will take a long long time to mend.
Goodbye dear one, Good luck.
Do you get a sense of satisfaction hurting me and using me. Telling people that I am nasty and that you can't stand to be around me. But when you are in trouble or in a bind I am the one that you come and find. I have remained constant and faithful doing what I could to show that I care, yet you are not here your still there. I am going through so much and you don't even care. You don't call or write, I only hear from you when you need something or want something from me. That is not fair.
My mind is in disarray, my emotions are scattered. My nights are sleepless and I am very restless. Yet still my heart is hurting because I have a love for you. Despite all that you have done to me and against me I am still here. But that my dear one is about to come to an end. I am torn you have accused me of talking to others behind your back which isn't true. Many have reached out and talked to me about the things that you are doing. It breaks my heart to think that you would be so cruel but the words that I have heard you have thrown in my face before so they can't be anything but true. I find that it has been you that has spoken to others about me and made me seem a monster.
I am finding out that I have been scared to leave because I have been afraid of being alone, but it seems so easy for you to throw me away. I have been reminded recently by many people that if you truly cared you would be here, you would be going through this with me. Someone who loves and cares about another would move heaven and earth to be with that person in their time of need. Yet, there you are getting high and still shooting dope after you promised you would stop if I bailed you out. You promised that you would be with me and go to every doctor appointment that I wouldn't have to do this all alone. Words, just empty hollow words it is the same thing every time you are in jail you make promises, tell me that you miss me, that you want to marry me, and stay with me. Yet where are you now? Not here!
You went back to Daytona to take care of your legal problems and appear for pre-trial services but guess what everyday the bondsman calls demanding that I pay them for both of your bonds. You are hiding and on the run. I am left holding the bag and soon they will be taking money from my check to cover the $6,500.00 that you were your bonds. I put my faith and trust in you and you have let me down not this time but over and over again. I don't know what you expect me to do, I can't live torn up like this. You have no respect for me, you have no love for me and you made the choice to leave and not return. Through all of this I have been patient, I have reached out to you and I have sent you money even when I knew I shouldn't have. Days have gone by and I hear nothing from you. I have had serious test run and spoken to surgeons and have you reached out to find out about their outcome? NO.
I am writing this to try and sort out my feelings, to know my heart and to try and clean the wounds in my mind. Yes I am hurt, but I need to let go. You are doing nothing for me and haven't for a long long time except make excuses and lie. I came here to re-build, re-group and get my feet back under me I am doing well with that. Yet I waste energy and money on you when I should be focusing on myself first. You have shown by your actions that you don't want me around. I have been told some of the things you think of me. I am amazed that you can lie directly too me and tell me that you love me and care for me yet still do and say the things that you have been doing. Karma is a terrible mistress and she will come and collect from you all that you have put out. People are saying that you are lying and stealing from them, that you are using them when I hear these things I don't know what to say. I am sad because things that I have been told about you in the past of things that you used to do behind my back have proven to be true and it hurts more and more.
The person that I fell in love with 4 plus years ago isn't you. I don't know where that man went. He wouldn't have left me, he didn't leave me when I was sick and almost died, he stayed by my side and protected me. He would never hit me, but since the trailer on Nova Rd it has become worse and worse. I am not the type to give up on another person, but it seems that you have given up on me so why should I stand in a relationship all alone? A relationship is a partnership between two individuals to come together and support one another, to build a better future for each other. I don't know what else to do but say goodbye and walk away. Something that you have already done. Days and weeks go by and I hear nothing from you, yet I continue to pay for your cellphone bill. You aren't here for me!
I have no idea what you expect from me or what you thought was going to happen. But you have been gone over 3 months and it really doesn't seem like you have any intention of returning. I am probably leaving and going back to California and starting over. There is nothing in Florida for me anymore.
Please take care. I do still care, but I can't put myself out there anymore for you. My heart is broken and it will take a long long time to mend.
Goodbye dear one, Good luck.
Friday, March 16, 2018
Age is an issue
Facebook is a great way for people to keep in touch, track down people that have been absent from their lives for years. But it is also a way for us to keep up to date on things that are happening to people we care about and what they are facing. I am one who hesitates to engage in conflict, but I am not the type of person who shies away from it when it comes my way. The past several days I have been sitting at home and I have been thinking, reminiscing about my past, reflecting on what I have been through and planning for what I am am facing. When a friend of mine shared pictures of himself and a simple statement about age, I saw it and thought about what was written and the pictures that were posted. Then I started reading the comments and what I found troubled me a bit, because I knew exactly what the others were saying, I have felt the way that they are, were feeling. And in my youth I actually participated in the very practice that I am about to write about.
I like to think of myself as a pioneer, a person who puts themselves out there in the forefront and helps blaze a trail for others to follow. How could I know that simple actions that I had in my youth would impact the lives of others so deeply. Only now in retrospect can I see that many of the things that I did in my youth have had a resounding effect on others, and that I was one of the people that help inspire and bring about change throughout the LGBTQ community. Yet I am one of the people in this world that is causing a problem and a break in our community. Though today my ideas are a little different then they were years ago, I still find that I am an ageist. This is troubling to me because I have so many friends that are my own age and I care about them, but only once in my entire life did I date someone the same age or older than myself.
Like many in the community I believed that it was my preference to date younger people, but in a sense it was a blinder that I was wearing, I was looking at the outside person and not the package as a whole. I was one of those high maintenance queens that searched for perfection and could pinpoint ones flaws and faults within minutes of meeting them. I was shallow and vapid though I thought that my opinions and thoughts mattered. But a hard life lesson was soon to come my way. It first struck me at the age of 24 and literally robbed me of my 20's and 30's and scared me mentally and physically for life. It left me an outcast in the community that I helped mold and create, and today I stay on the fringes of it. I still consider myself part of the gay community, but I refrain from many of the things that I should still be involved in. Because somewhere inside of me is the deep abiding fear that I am not perfect and therefore not worthy of love and acceptance into the community that I love and dedicated my life to building.
When I got sick with cancer and then ended up with not 1 but 2 colostomy bags, I turned away ashamed of my body and my broken form. I secluded myself and sought refuge in drugs and other means to escape the fear of persecution. Yet, repeatedly human nature has surprised me and I have found friends and sometimes companions along the way. I have more scares than most, have had more surgeries than most, and I still have the fear that I can't be accepted for me because somewhere in my mind I have decided that people in the gay community are discriminatory against those that don't fit the ideal image of perfection. Though I have found and joined groups that accepted me limitation, scars and illness and all. I have found friends when I never thought I would and I have found a sort of peace within myself that I never thought I would because of my battered and broken body. I have even found people who don't see me as damaged but as bright and shiny star of hope and comfort. These are things that I would never have thought possible.
But as I was reading my friends post and the comments I realized that there is still a problem with age in the community, that the young still look at those of us with age and have prejudice. I have come to the realization that I don't look at people the way that I used to, yes I still look at physical appearance, but that is not the person. I have had the unfortunate experience to love a beautiful looking man who was very ugly and dark inside and that made me realize the truth in the adage "you can't judge a book by it's cover". Yet, my own insecurities continue to hold me in a pattern. I am afraid to put myself out there again and hope that someone can look past the body and see the person on the inside. I sit in the house day after day and I watching TV, reading and avoiding the truth. I am lonely, and afraid, these are my truths. Yet, I continue on and do what is expected of me.
Yet, something that my friends wrote stirred in me a desire to once again get out there and make a change in my life. In doing so I hope that I can inspire others to do the same. Life for the gay population is different now then when I was growing up. I have learned that the superficial is not the way to look at another person. Maybe there are others out there that have begun to see that too. Maybe it is only something that happens with age and wisdom, but I hope not. I think that if I were to step out of my comfort zone and do something about my situation I might others doing the same. I am beginning to understand my limitations, accept my physical appearance, and instead of hiding the person that I am. I am letting the world see the person that I have become. I live my life by example and have been doing so a long time. I write about my life here in the blog, and I talk about my differences to everyone I meet. My story is one of survival, it is one of hope, and it is one of comfort. I have lived with 6 terminal illnesses for a long time now and I have done so with courage, and against overwhelming odds. I do it with a smile and a positive attitude that everyone notices. So, if I can change and look at my mistakes with grace, knowing that I cannot change what I have been and done in the past, I certainly can make adjustments and do something about it in my future.
So I have taken to writing this piece about age. I have never let it define me or limit my actions. I have taken care of the things that I must and have been there when others have needed me. But that is not all to my life. When replying to my friends post, I was reminded of the things that I have done in my past, the accomplishments that I have made, and the triumphs, as well as the defeats. But in all of this I have been a motivator and an instigator for change. I have been as I put it a pioneer and I have done things that at the time seemed inconsequential, yet had far ranging affects on my peers and those that have come after me. I may not have been able to rescue everyone, I haven't been able to save the world, or help as many people as I had wanted too. But in my life there have been thousands of lives that I have touched and I have helped and they are out there. They know what I have done for them and I am not asking for any praise or thanks. I am looking to those people to help me spread the word that age is a number, physical beauty is a thing that fades with time, and that we must look at the persons heart, soul and attitude to find the things that we are missing in our own lives. A friend found a sense of belonging and community in his church, he found acceptance and he also found a feeling of wholeness and completion the likes that I have never really felt other than in fleeting times.
Yes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but there are things that you need to think about before you wrinkle up your nose at the affections and attentions another casts your way. Don't let their age be a detractor, because with age comes experience, wisdom and understanding and with those things comes the added bonus of compassion. I don't know how to change the world or change how the gay community looks at one another, but I can tell you that without my friends of age I wouldn't have made it as far as I have in life. I wouldn't have been able to face the uncertain times that I have come through or had the strength to persevere when all about me seemed bleak. I have come through some dark times and very rough medical situations and I have become a stronger person because of them and their advice. I never gave the appropriate thanks to those that came before me. The ones that fought for gay rights, however, I have performed in the play Stonewall and celebrated those lives. It is unfortunate that many of the younger generation know very little to nothing of the days of the 60's and 70's that gave rise to our "Gay Movement" of the 80's and the "Equality Movement" of the 90's and 2000's. What I can honestly say is that I am grateful to have been a part of those times, I wouldn't change my involvement and actions in anyway.
So here I sit and I want to begin a new movement, be a voice for compassion and understanding and hopefully change the way the younger generation thinks and feels about us the old guys. I am tired of being a Yuck or Gross. I am still an attractive person and I have more to offer today more now than ever. I am stronger and wiser. Age hasn't made me less fun, I still can keep up with the 20 years that still are in my life. But I am not looking for love there anymore either. I have tried repeatedly to find it in the younger generation and have been left wanting and disappointed. I am tired of feeling like I am being used and unappreciated. I am comfortable with who I have become and I have surprised myself that there are those out there that find me attractive and have shown some interest in getting to know me. Honestly, with my medical situation the way it is I am not really hoping for any new developments, but I am learning that my time isn't always the right time. I have faith in God and His plan for my life, and if He decides to put a new face in my equations then who am I to argue or find fault. At least I know that I am not alone right now, I have friends, and people that care about me, and I am not far from my family if something happens that I should need them.
Let me remind those out there that old is not ugly, old is not boring, old isn't anything but a state of mind. I am one that can talk about this, I am almost 50 now, and I still do things that I did when I was in my late 20's and things I should have done in my 30's but because I had cancer and missed almost all of those years, it took me some catching up to do. I have a unique perspective about things because I experienced a lot of them later in life than most. I found knowledge and wisdom in older friends when I was going through some really tough medical issues. Those friendships have enabled me to survive and adapt. It is the job of us that lived through the 80's till now to enlighten those that are younger and teach them about the past and the hardships that we and those before us had to endure. Gay pride is not a marketing theme, though lately it seems to have become commercialized, no it is a time to celebrate our heritage, our loss, and to remember those that were taken from us early by AIDs. It is also a time to celebrate the victories that were won and the sacrifices that were made to get us to the place we are at today. Not only do us of age have things that we can teach the younger generation, we can show them understanding and compassion, offer guidance, and wisdom and help them through the issues that they are facing. Never forgetting that we still have a long way to go yet in the battle for equality and acceptance. We have the moral obligation to unveil the myths and misconceptions that surround HIV and AIDs we need to honor the memories of the friends and family that we lost during the height of the epidemic. Plus, we need to remind the world at large that AIDs is still with us we are still loosing brothers and sisters still today to this disease. Though it isn't the media focus that it once was we would be neglect in thinking that we have vanquished and won. The war is still being fought, and many are still being persecuted because they have been diagnosed.
Many of us are tired we have battled long and hard, created a better world for those that come after us, but we are not able to rest just yet, there is much left to be done. I am reminded every day that I wake up that I am still here way longer than any doctor ever predicted I would be. I have overcome some incredible odds and I am still fighting today. We can't let the younger generations forget all that has come before, the heritage, the community, the bonding that we felt and developed in the 80's in the fear of the unknown disease. Community centers were born, research centers organized and help organizations established that have become the norm. We need to remind the young that many thousands gave their lives, tears, and suffering for these mediocre changes that we have finally received. Yes today is a better place, there is a bit more acceptance in the world, but there is much hatred and bigotry still out there. Our community still suffers from many such forms, and maybe there needs to be a movement inside our own movement that tries to foster change. Ageism is a form of intolerance, and discrimination that we cannot and shouldn't allow to fester in our community. We need to look beyond the sexual revolution and think towards a more unifying and holistic love of ourselves. To look to our elders and still love them and accept them, to show respect and compassion. Being gay isn't defined by sexual attraction alone, it is being comfortable with those that you are more drawn towards, who you can associate and understand better. We are different yes because of our desire to be loved and we enjoy sex with the same sex, but it goes beyond that I think or at least it does for me. I feel more comfortable with women as friends, but I feel a kinship and bond with males that I cannot quite describe.
The human heart has the capacity to love and bond to many different things, and people. We need to understand ourselves better, look at our motivations, and think about what where we truly feel the most comfortable. Age is a number, it doesn't define us. It may limit us physically, but emotionally and mentally we are still those same 20 somethings that we once were in a much more experienced and worn package. Most of us wear our age well and are proud to do so. Every year that I am here I am thankful for. I have worked hard to get here and I plan on hanging around a little longer, if I have to do it alone then so be it. But, I don't think so there is someone out there looking for the inner me. When they finally stop looking at the outer me and see the inside they will find what they are looking for. Until then I will keep trying to raise the awareness that age is not something to be afraid of, it isn't something ugly, it is a gift, it is a treasure. Hopefully others will begin to see that we are of value still and we have things been through situations that can help them, we have lessons we can teach and we still have our voice to make change happen.
So from the age of 49 looking back, I remember the days when I was afraid of being 30, then 40, and of course 50. But look here I am I have made it this far, have learned much, endured more, and I have something that I can help the world to understand and that is the human spirit. I know how to give hope, how to inspire through living and comfort just by being there. Life is a journey that doesn't end. I can tell you that I am still going through some things even now, but in the end it will have made me that much stronger a person and will give me another lesson that I can teach another person.
So don't wrinkle up your nose at the attentions of those older men that admire you, take it as a compliment, get to know them, maybe just maybe you might find what you have been searching for and it was right in front of you the entire time and you just couldn't see it because of the blinders you have been wearing. Age is beauty, a gift and something to be cherished.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you. Let me encourage you to live your life full with laughter, love and light.
Uncle B
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