Sounds like a chain store doesn't it? Well last night I was writing about settling for less than what we want. I told you to go for it, damn the consequences and make yourself happy, not to second guess yourself or beat yourself up for buying whatever it is that you wanted or needed. But as I sat here today thinking about things, it dawned on me that life is nothing more than a multitude of choices that we have to make. These choices, bring about decisions, and the path that we embark on here in life.
Choices make our day go by and help us feel that we have accomplished something. The problem with choices is that there are always consequences for them. You might remember me saying that "Anything worth doing isn't easy!" Which, believe it or not is the truth. Believe me every morning you wake up and you have a million choices that you have to make. There is never a situation that comes up where there isn't a choice that can be made. You must look at all the options that you have, because sometimes the first choice is not necessarily the best choice for you or your life. You must look at every situation and evaluate it carefully, think outside of the box and view every possible option and look at it from each and every perspective you can think of. You know how precious life is and how short it is. You must think, look outside of the box and keep your options open.
What you need to understand is that sometimes we cannot see the consequences that the action takes quite a while to reach fruition, but believe me when I tell you that for every action there is a reaction, so too there must be a consequence for every choice. Now, with that basic understanding you much also realize that not all consequences are bad, there can also be rewards for your choices. All a reward is the positive consequences of choice that we have made. I don't want to be long winded about this subject but it is very important that you realize that for each and everything we do we are either going to receive a consequence or a reward depending on whatever decision or choice we have made.
In my blog entry entitled "A change of scenery might be what you need..." I explained that if you are in a pattern of behavior or a rut, you may just need to change your scenery or venue. Meaning in order to make a clean break from what you are trying to escape you might need to move to a new place, change your friends or do whatever you need to do to make your situation better. You made a choice that got you into the present situation and the choice you are making now to get out of whatever it is will have greater and far reaching affects than you can imagine. Now, no one said that any decision you make is going to be easy, that there aren't going to be obstacles in your way, or people trying to keep you held back. What I am trying to tell you is that the benefits of your choice will outweigh the costs that you are facing. You may not see them or recognize them right away, but believe me they will come.
No matter what you are facing, if you let your emotions, depression or guilt cloud your judgement, you won't be able to address the situation correctly, and you might miss some choices that aren't readily foreseen. As I have told you, for every choice that we are presented with in our life, there are a million different choices. There is no single solution that outweighs any other, just the consequences and the rewards that we will have to face. Therefore, if there are considerations that need to be made you need to tackle them objectively, and truthfully look for all possible solutions and directions at which to come at the problem from. Abstract thinking and thinking outside of the box require you to use rational thought, you have to be free from distractions and emotions.
Divorcing ourselves from emotions is a very important step in the process of determining which course of action we should take. Because only if we keep our mind free of distractions can we truly focus on the problem or choice that we have to make. In my blog entry "There is no right or wrong way to deal with a problem" I go into some detail explaining that you have to review your choices before you make a decision, and that the key to finding all the choices that you have open to you is by keeping your emotions detached from the selection process. Now this is a hard thing to learn, you have to understand that you have use the analytical part of your brain. You must come at the problem from every possible angle you can think of. If you don't the situation becomes muddle and confused with anxiety, depression and sometimes guilt.
It is okay to feel those things and we all do. The secret is how you deal with those feelings, and how you push them back so that you can think clearly and rationally about the problem at hand and the choice that you have to make. In other words, every decision, has several choices, and each choice can lead to several more decisions that have to be made. Our brain is such a miraculous thing that it can analyze and compute all the decisions, choices, and all the variables associated with them in a blink of an eye. When we really put our brain power to focus on one of these choices or decision we take conscious control away from the brain and we analyze it in detail. This is the process that I am talking about, the split second decisions, the ones that need a response immediately sometimes cannot be process through with rational or analytic thought at all because they happen so quickly. But other things like paying a bill and what pair of shoes to wear, are all things we can analyze and make a conscious decision about.
The only thing that I would like you to take away from this blog entry is this: that every day we face problems, and decision points that we need to evaluate and find the appropriate solution for. In order to see all the choices before you, you really want to see all of them because you don't want to make the situation worse by making a bad decision. That for each choice and decision we have to make there are a myriad of solutions in which we can act upon to remedy the situation. Therefore, with detaching our emotions and keeping an open mind you might find a workable solution to the dilemma or problem.
We have free choice of our own actions, and we can extricate ourselves out of the situations we have put ourselves in or allowed ourselves to be in. It is just a matter of looking at the situation from every possible angle and making a logical and rational decision on how to handle and deal with the situation.
As Always my hopes and dreams are with you.
Uncle B.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Settling for other than you want and second guessing yourself is wrong
Life is full of changes, and when you come to a point in your life when you really want something, you have the means to achieve it but you are afraid that it will strain you financially. I want you to stop second guessing yourself, go for it! Don't settle for something less because it is less risky or expensive. When you start to settle for things that you don't want, or doesn't quite meet your expectations, you set a pattern for yourself that you might not be able to break out of.
Even when I was making good money, and doing alright for myself, I would be the last one to order a meal when out for dinner, I would wait and see what everyone else ordered, and then choose something less expensive. This wasn't because I had too, it was because I felt uncomfortable with the expense, and I always feared that I wouldn't be able to afford it. Even when I was in a relationship of 12 years, I sometimes still found myself in that mind frame, and would revert back to my old pattern of behavior. What is worse is that every time I would make a decision about a purchase, I would feel guilty about it. I would second guess myself and begin to worry. This is often referred to as buyers remorse. Believe it or not, millions of people suffer and are often plagued by this worry and guilt.
Ingrained patterns of behavior become habits over time and are extremely hard to break. In stressful situation, or situations where we feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable we can easily revert back to those old habits or patterns, even if we have left them behind for many years. So as life changes and hurtles and obstacles are put in our way, we need to change and adapt to them, or we are going to find ourselves unable to make a decision, be overwhelmed with stress over bills and sick with worry about where and how we are going to be pay for whatever it is that we have chosen to do. I know that this might be a little hard to follow, but I believe that once a worrier always a worrier. But I also know from previous experience that no matter how much I have worried and stressed out over situations, I was unable to change the outcome of the choice I had made. I also found that if I am constantly worried over something, I am not able to think of anything but the situation, much less try and figure out a solution to the problem. Sometimes, as the momentary panic had died down and the stress receded a little I found out that the universe or God always provides. Now, I am not saying go out there and get crazy spending large sums of money that you don't have and have no way of paying back. What I am saying is that if you are in a situation and you need or desire something and you are working hard and what you are wanting is not going to immediately cause damage.
Go for it, do what you feel comfortable with and what makes you happy. Even if things get tight for awhile a way will be provided to help you through, we are not left to fend for ourselves. Don't deny yourself things that are necessary, and don't choose to be second rate. Go for what you want, make yourself happy. As I have told you over and over again, life is too short. I don't want you to sweat the small shit in life! Let them pass, they will take care of themselves in the long run. Now, you have to understand that I am talking about small things, necessary items, and so forth. I am not telling you to go out and buy a Ferrari, unless you have the money to make the down payment, and the payments aren't going to cripple you to the point that you cannot take care of any other bill or yourself. Be reasonable, but if it really is something you want then I think you should go for it.
This weekend my father and I went out car shopping, he found a car for $1295.00 he thought that I should buy it. But, it wasn't me, and I knew I wouldn't be happy driving it. I stood my ground and went looking for something more my style and that I would feel comfortable with. I decided to stand my ground and get something that I liked and wanted. Now, I have a car payment and collision insurance, bills that I honestly wasn't wanting or planning on. However, I realized that if I didn't take matters into my own hands and make some sort of decision I was going to end up with car I wasn't comfortable with. Yes, the payments are monthly and that wasn't in my budget either, I was planning on buying a cash car, and making due. But, in the end I wasn't going to be happy at all. So I did what I thought was best. I bought something that I was interested in and I liked, I fretted and worried about the amount of money that I was spending and how much it is going to cost me over the next 2 1/2 years, but I stuck to my guns and got something that I liked.
How many times have you chosen to settle without thinking about your wants, needs and desires? I bet it has been a lot, and you were never really happy with the choice you made. I want you to know that I have been there right with you. As with all things you have to do them in moderation and at small manageable chunks at a time. You have to be willing to think and find a solution, confront your fear that you have over extended yourself and push aside the feeling that you are doomed because you don't know how you are going to cover the added expense. In this situation you have to be open minded and willing to work toward a solution. You aren't the first one that has made a decision that was extremely costly and had to think outside of the box to find a workable solution to the issue at hand.
Have you ever heard the saying " God helps those that help themselves" this is sincerely true. He is not going to let you falter or fall, He doesn't put us in situations that are greater than our ability to confront them and overcome them. Like I said earlier the universe or God will provide. He will make a way for you to come through the situation in a much better and stronger place. Some how and someway that you have never dreamed of the money to cover the situation will come. Seemingly it will come from nowhere, and you will look back at all the posturing and stress and realize that you had made the right decision and that everything will work itself out. You can do this, you can disrupt your pattern of behavior and break the habit, and what seemed so daunting a task will begin to become manageable and you will succeed.
Again, I am not telling you to go out and run up your credit cards, or buy things you want just so you can have them, you need to act moderately and work toward getting them. You have to be willing to work hard and do what you can, because I promise you the rest will come. Don't try to put on airs and live above your means because if you do this, I guarantee you will be continue to struggle, and won't be able to come up with a solution to help you out. Keep the things that you buy down to necessary items, food, housing, transportation, utilities, etc. If you do this I promise you that if you need something really desperately a way will be made for you to have it. Same thing with wanting something, if it truly is something you cannot live without, a way will be provided to help you through the struggle. As I have said before nothing worth doing is ever easy and I mean that.
The reason why I am telling you this is because I want you to understand, that settling for something and making yourself miserable is not going to get you anywhere. Only you can make yourself happy, you have to do for yourself and provide for yourself, no matter how much it hurts you, because a way will be made to help you through. In the example above about the car, I was in desperate need of my own reliable transportation, I was being pushed one way and instead of settling for just old anything, I was determined to get what I want. I know that I am going to be struggling for the next few months till I can get everything back under control, but I know that I am not going to worry about it because God has my back. He isn't going to let me fail, because He alone knows how hard I have been trying to reach this goal. Yes, I will admit that I am a bit worried about the payments and other things because that takes a big chunk out of my disability check. But I know in my heart that if I am short, a way will be provided for me to have what I need to make this work.
Stressing over money is one of the biggest problems we have in this world today. But I am hear to tell you that if you keep the Faith, God will help you and keep you afloat. Be sure to do what you feel in your heart is the right thing to do, then just do it. After that God will help you manage it. Remember to always to make yourself happy, don't worry about how other people feel about what you are doing. Remember you can't please everyone all of the time, but you sure can make sure you please yourself.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Even when I was making good money, and doing alright for myself, I would be the last one to order a meal when out for dinner, I would wait and see what everyone else ordered, and then choose something less expensive. This wasn't because I had too, it was because I felt uncomfortable with the expense, and I always feared that I wouldn't be able to afford it. Even when I was in a relationship of 12 years, I sometimes still found myself in that mind frame, and would revert back to my old pattern of behavior. What is worse is that every time I would make a decision about a purchase, I would feel guilty about it. I would second guess myself and begin to worry. This is often referred to as buyers remorse. Believe it or not, millions of people suffer and are often plagued by this worry and guilt.
Ingrained patterns of behavior become habits over time and are extremely hard to break. In stressful situation, or situations where we feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable we can easily revert back to those old habits or patterns, even if we have left them behind for many years. So as life changes and hurtles and obstacles are put in our way, we need to change and adapt to them, or we are going to find ourselves unable to make a decision, be overwhelmed with stress over bills and sick with worry about where and how we are going to be pay for whatever it is that we have chosen to do. I know that this might be a little hard to follow, but I believe that once a worrier always a worrier. But I also know from previous experience that no matter how much I have worried and stressed out over situations, I was unable to change the outcome of the choice I had made. I also found that if I am constantly worried over something, I am not able to think of anything but the situation, much less try and figure out a solution to the problem. Sometimes, as the momentary panic had died down and the stress receded a little I found out that the universe or God always provides. Now, I am not saying go out there and get crazy spending large sums of money that you don't have and have no way of paying back. What I am saying is that if you are in a situation and you need or desire something and you are working hard and what you are wanting is not going to immediately cause damage.
Go for it, do what you feel comfortable with and what makes you happy. Even if things get tight for awhile a way will be provided to help you through, we are not left to fend for ourselves. Don't deny yourself things that are necessary, and don't choose to be second rate. Go for what you want, make yourself happy. As I have told you over and over again, life is too short. I don't want you to sweat the small shit in life! Let them pass, they will take care of themselves in the long run. Now, you have to understand that I am talking about small things, necessary items, and so forth. I am not telling you to go out and buy a Ferrari, unless you have the money to make the down payment, and the payments aren't going to cripple you to the point that you cannot take care of any other bill or yourself. Be reasonable, but if it really is something you want then I think you should go for it.
This weekend my father and I went out car shopping, he found a car for $1295.00 he thought that I should buy it. But, it wasn't me, and I knew I wouldn't be happy driving it. I stood my ground and went looking for something more my style and that I would feel comfortable with. I decided to stand my ground and get something that I liked and wanted. Now, I have a car payment and collision insurance, bills that I honestly wasn't wanting or planning on. However, I realized that if I didn't take matters into my own hands and make some sort of decision I was going to end up with car I wasn't comfortable with. Yes, the payments are monthly and that wasn't in my budget either, I was planning on buying a cash car, and making due. But, in the end I wasn't going to be happy at all. So I did what I thought was best. I bought something that I was interested in and I liked, I fretted and worried about the amount of money that I was spending and how much it is going to cost me over the next 2 1/2 years, but I stuck to my guns and got something that I liked.
How many times have you chosen to settle without thinking about your wants, needs and desires? I bet it has been a lot, and you were never really happy with the choice you made. I want you to know that I have been there right with you. As with all things you have to do them in moderation and at small manageable chunks at a time. You have to be willing to think and find a solution, confront your fear that you have over extended yourself and push aside the feeling that you are doomed because you don't know how you are going to cover the added expense. In this situation you have to be open minded and willing to work toward a solution. You aren't the first one that has made a decision that was extremely costly and had to think outside of the box to find a workable solution to the issue at hand.
Have you ever heard the saying " God helps those that help themselves" this is sincerely true. He is not going to let you falter or fall, He doesn't put us in situations that are greater than our ability to confront them and overcome them. Like I said earlier the universe or God will provide. He will make a way for you to come through the situation in a much better and stronger place. Some how and someway that you have never dreamed of the money to cover the situation will come. Seemingly it will come from nowhere, and you will look back at all the posturing and stress and realize that you had made the right decision and that everything will work itself out. You can do this, you can disrupt your pattern of behavior and break the habit, and what seemed so daunting a task will begin to become manageable and you will succeed.
Again, I am not telling you to go out and run up your credit cards, or buy things you want just so you can have them, you need to act moderately and work toward getting them. You have to be willing to work hard and do what you can, because I promise you the rest will come. Don't try to put on airs and live above your means because if you do this, I guarantee you will be continue to struggle, and won't be able to come up with a solution to help you out. Keep the things that you buy down to necessary items, food, housing, transportation, utilities, etc. If you do this I promise you that if you need something really desperately a way will be made for you to have it. Same thing with wanting something, if it truly is something you cannot live without, a way will be provided to help you through the struggle. As I have said before nothing worth doing is ever easy and I mean that.
The reason why I am telling you this is because I want you to understand, that settling for something and making yourself miserable is not going to get you anywhere. Only you can make yourself happy, you have to do for yourself and provide for yourself, no matter how much it hurts you, because a way will be made to help you through. In the example above about the car, I was in desperate need of my own reliable transportation, I was being pushed one way and instead of settling for just old anything, I was determined to get what I want. I know that I am going to be struggling for the next few months till I can get everything back under control, but I know that I am not going to worry about it because God has my back. He isn't going to let me fail, because He alone knows how hard I have been trying to reach this goal. Yes, I will admit that I am a bit worried about the payments and other things because that takes a big chunk out of my disability check. But I know in my heart that if I am short, a way will be provided for me to have what I need to make this work.
Stressing over money is one of the biggest problems we have in this world today. But I am hear to tell you that if you keep the Faith, God will help you and keep you afloat. Be sure to do what you feel in your heart is the right thing to do, then just do it. After that God will help you manage it. Remember to always to make yourself happy, don't worry about how other people feel about what you are doing. Remember you can't please everyone all of the time, but you sure can make sure you please yourself.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Courage and Fear what does it mean?
I was on Google + a little while ago, and a blog popped up that peaked my interest because I had selected the topic of Courage and Fear. So I read Jodi Arman's Blog entry "The Evolutionary Roots of Fear". Her blog supports what I have always thought about the irrationality of fear and the development of the fight or flight mechanism in the human brain. As mammals, we have an instinctual propensity when we sense danger to tense up, fear creeps in and we either flee or fight depending on how we gauge our opponent.
Her blog goes on to state based on Sharon Begley's Newsweek article entitled "Roots of Fear" that our brain is hard-wired to override the logic cortex when we are afraid. Basically what Sharon states is that the fear circuitry has more pathways to the aymgdala versus the logical thought cortex and allows the fear to over-ride thought. In a sense this is true in non-sentient creatures but we can think and override those fears, or we can brave through. I believe that this is a simplistic view not taking into consideration the complexities of the entire nervous system. As I have pointed out in a previous blog entry, fear triggers a response in the autonomic and sympathetic nervous systems and which activates our fight or flight mechanism. Adrenalin floods our system muscles tense and our mind enters a hyper-arousal, where time seems to slow, pupils dilate, and the mind notices the minute movement of our opponent. More about this can be found under the topic of Fight-or-flight response on wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fight-or-flight_response.
I honestly believe that Sharon Begley has a point in her Newsweek article that there is an ingrained and instinctual drive that has been bred into us from our earliest days. That man has a hard-wired brain that reacts when it senses fear or danger. However, I think that this hard-wired response is also responsible for the body's neurological and physiological reactions as well. The Nervous System plays a major part in the way we handle the situation we are in. I also think that because we have the ability to think we can override these fears just like Jodi Arman's blog states.
But, I would like to carry this conversation a bit further than the brain, and nervous systems response, because I think as thought enters the picture we have the ability to overcome those fears. Which is what I call courage. Courage doesn't mean that we don't have fears or get afraid, it means that we have the ability to defeat fear. We can defeat fear as Jodi suggest by thinking it through, or by acting through it. You can find out more by reading her blog at http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/anxiety-schmanxiety/2012/08/evolutionary-roots-of-fear/ .
Fear is a very powerful motivator, and it can grip us and paralyze us, but we do have the ability to out think it, we have the ability to confront it and work past it, and eventually defeat it. There are tons of stories how a fireman rushes into a burning building and rescues someone, that firefighter had to confront his fears in an instant and react to the situation with lightening speed to make that rescue. I honestly don't think that fear overrides the mind and locks us into inaction, on the contrary it is fear that causes us to look at the situation in a hyper accelerated manner and react and accomplish amazing things.
I do believe that primitive man may have been hard wired to the point where their sense of logic and reasoning was overwhelmed, but in our time I think that evolution has honed our senses and our reflexes to the point where our brain immediately assess the threat and reacts almost in an instant. You can also find out more about the sympathetic nervous system at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sympathetic_nervous_system . I encourage you to do some research yourself on this.
I believe that body is a marvelous machine that is powered by the most sophisticated computers the world has ever seen, the human brain. I believe that the brain is more powerful than we give it credit for, and though the primitive responses that Sharon describes most certainly do happen, a whole array of reactions takes place at the same time. Remember that as the brain recognizes a threat or danger, adrenalin is released into the blood stream the somatic nervous system http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somatic_nervous_system contracts the muscles causing them to tense, ready to spring into either flight or fight, they sympathetic nervous system goes into overdrive and allows the brain to enter a state of hyper awareness and from there we react.
I hope you understand from this that I believe that it is possible for us as humans to overcome our fears, whether they are rational or irrational by confronting them and working through them. Further, I believe that it is courage that gives us the ability to accomplish this. This doesn't mean that we don't get afraid or suffer from fear, but that we can overcome it and be victorious against it. I don't believe that our logic centers are totally overridden and we are locked into a state of panic and cannot think our way through the situation.
As I have said, please take the time to do some research on this on your own and draw your own conclusion.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Her blog goes on to state based on Sharon Begley's Newsweek article entitled "Roots of Fear" that our brain is hard-wired to override the logic cortex when we are afraid. Basically what Sharon states is that the fear circuitry has more pathways to the aymgdala versus the logical thought cortex and allows the fear to over-ride thought. In a sense this is true in non-sentient creatures but we can think and override those fears, or we can brave through. I believe that this is a simplistic view not taking into consideration the complexities of the entire nervous system. As I have pointed out in a previous blog entry, fear triggers a response in the autonomic and sympathetic nervous systems and which activates our fight or flight mechanism. Adrenalin floods our system muscles tense and our mind enters a hyper-arousal, where time seems to slow, pupils dilate, and the mind notices the minute movement of our opponent. More about this can be found under the topic of Fight-or-flight response on wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fight-or-flight_response.
I honestly believe that Sharon Begley has a point in her Newsweek article that there is an ingrained and instinctual drive that has been bred into us from our earliest days. That man has a hard-wired brain that reacts when it senses fear or danger. However, I think that this hard-wired response is also responsible for the body's neurological and physiological reactions as well. The Nervous System plays a major part in the way we handle the situation we are in. I also think that because we have the ability to think we can override these fears just like Jodi Arman's blog states.
But, I would like to carry this conversation a bit further than the brain, and nervous systems response, because I think as thought enters the picture we have the ability to overcome those fears. Which is what I call courage. Courage doesn't mean that we don't have fears or get afraid, it means that we have the ability to defeat fear. We can defeat fear as Jodi suggest by thinking it through, or by acting through it. You can find out more by reading her blog at http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/anxiety-schmanxiety/2012/08/evolutionary-roots-of-fear/ .
Fear is a very powerful motivator, and it can grip us and paralyze us, but we do have the ability to out think it, we have the ability to confront it and work past it, and eventually defeat it. There are tons of stories how a fireman rushes into a burning building and rescues someone, that firefighter had to confront his fears in an instant and react to the situation with lightening speed to make that rescue. I honestly don't think that fear overrides the mind and locks us into inaction, on the contrary it is fear that causes us to look at the situation in a hyper accelerated manner and react and accomplish amazing things.
I do believe that primitive man may have been hard wired to the point where their sense of logic and reasoning was overwhelmed, but in our time I think that evolution has honed our senses and our reflexes to the point where our brain immediately assess the threat and reacts almost in an instant. You can also find out more about the sympathetic nervous system at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sympathetic_nervous_system . I encourage you to do some research yourself on this.
I believe that body is a marvelous machine that is powered by the most sophisticated computers the world has ever seen, the human brain. I believe that the brain is more powerful than we give it credit for, and though the primitive responses that Sharon describes most certainly do happen, a whole array of reactions takes place at the same time. Remember that as the brain recognizes a threat or danger, adrenalin is released into the blood stream the somatic nervous system http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somatic_nervous_system contracts the muscles causing them to tense, ready to spring into either flight or fight, they sympathetic nervous system goes into overdrive and allows the brain to enter a state of hyper awareness and from there we react.
I hope you understand from this that I believe that it is possible for us as humans to overcome our fears, whether they are rational or irrational by confronting them and working through them. Further, I believe that it is courage that gives us the ability to accomplish this. This doesn't mean that we don't get afraid or suffer from fear, but that we can overcome it and be victorious against it. I don't believe that our logic centers are totally overridden and we are locked into a state of panic and cannot think our way through the situation.
As I have said, please take the time to do some research on this on your own and draw your own conclusion.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Money and Happiness don't necessarily equate.
You know the happiest times in my life were the times I spent with my dad's mom, she didn't have two dimes to rub together her entire life, but there was love, warmth, acceptance and happiness to be found under her roof. My dad's father died when he was just 8 years old, and he being the middle child of a large family, he felt the death probably more seriously than all of his other siblings. Because the 4 older ones were already on their own, and the 4 younger ones didn't understand what was happening. But, my grandmother, did her best with what she had, and always smiled even when times had to be extremely tough for her. Undoubtedly she was the glue that held our family together, she made sure that she spent time with all the grandchildren and great grandchildren while she was alive. I remember that the family always spent time at her house. Her youngest son and his 3 children lived with her, as well as my cousin Eric, whose mother, committed suicide when he was just 18 months old.
I was seven when we moved away, and even though we moved from Pennsylvania to Texas, my parents did go home to visit often. When I was in the sixth grade, my parents went on a year long vacation and my younger brother and I were sent to live with my mother's mom who lived fairly close by my other grandmother, and I would spend every weekend that I could with my dad's mom. She was born in 1895 and had lot's of stories to tell about how things had changed during her life. My dad's mother was the first to realize I was different and told me long ago that I was special and that I had a gift of joy and love to share with the world, that I should not let my parents or anyone deter me from sharing my gifts.
I joined the Navy right out of high school, and after boot camp and A school, I was transferred to the U.S.S. Wisconsin (BB-64) the last of the Great Battleships. We spent a great deal of time in the shipyards getting her ready for recommissioning. Some of the time we were in Pascagoula, MS and the other part of the time we were in the Naval Shipyard in Philadelphia. It was then that I spent every weekend visiting my grandparents, splitting the time between both of them, and my mother's sister at the same time. It was during these visits that I began to notice how different one side of my family was compared to the other side. See, my parents fought all the time, were physically and mentally abusive compared to what parents are today. My parents had moved away to follow their dreams, and in a sense made it. Back then my father was making good money about 50 to 60k a year, and my mother's family had always had money.
Now, to understand the contrast between the two sides of my family you have to understand that there was love, a sense of family and togetherness on my father's side that wasn't found on my mother's side. My dad's mom pulled the family together, kept them together, and spent time with her children and grandchildren. Even though she lived and supported a bigger family of 6 or more on her widows pension, she was always surrounded by family and love. My mom's side of the family there were never any real close ties or bonds, my mother and her sister were close, but there was 17 years difference between my mother and her brother, where there were only 2 years difference between her and her sister. My mom's parents bickered and often fought, yet there was a gulf separating them. It didn't matter how successful my parents were or my aunt was there just didn't seem to be the same kind of love and warmth that was shown on my dad's side of the family.
Now, I do believe that my mom's parents love each other and their family, it was just shown differently, my mother came from a much different place than my father did. There wasn't any want or real need on my mother's side of the family, my mom's mother never had to work, and had every comfort of life. She did struggle with being a mother and a grandmother, and I believe that it came from being married at such a young age. My grandfather served in the Navy during World War II and built upon his career when he got out. Made lots of money and kept the family well insulated from the world around him. He was a remarkable man, full of energy and continued to work until his death at 80 years of age. He never slowed down, and was frugal with his money. When he passed away he left a great deal behind. Which caused a lot of strife between my mother and her brother who were the only ones left in my mother's family. My grandmother had passed away in the late 80's and my aunt had died in a car accident 2 years before my grandmother.
Of course there is more to the story which helped me to come to a better understanding of life and the correlation between happiness and money. To look into this a bit further, I would like to talk to you about my own family life, and how it comparatively contrasted my aunt's life. See my mother and father, had made their money by working hard, my mother going to medical school and studying to be a nurse and then other things, my father worked his way up in the electronics field. There marriage was never happy, there were constant fights and struggles, and they ended up marrying and divorcing each other 3 separate times. Neither one could see that this was unhealthy for them, and damaging to both of them. My aunt's life on the other hand, she had worked herself to a position high up in the insurance industry, she actually put her career before anything else, and got married later in life. She was an executive Vice President of a large insurance firm when she met her husband who was in the toy industry. Both of them had money when they met and married, yet over time their relationship was fraught with problems just like my parents. Now keep in mind that I had spent a great deal of time with my family the 2 years I was stationed in Philadelphia, and I got to know my aunt and uncle very well, as well as spent time with both grandmothers and my grandfather. My aunt and uncle's way of dealing with issues was to pour money into the problem to try and make it go away. Maybe they did this hoping that by some chance the issue would just take care of itself while they focused on other things. Unfortunately, that never happened, I know that my aunt had hoped that she would be able to reconcile the differences between herself and her husband, but never got the chance because she was killed by a drunk driver. My mother's parents never seemed to talk about anything, when my grandmother complained, my grandfather, went to work and brought in more money and also through money at the situation.
In the end all I can say is this, my parents couldn't make it work, by throwing dollars over fist at the issues that faced them, my aunt and uncle nor my grandmother or father ever did it that way either. My parents today are not together, and have moved on with their lives apart. An appropriate solution and they both seem so much happier. Everybody else is dead and gone now on my mother's side, except for her and her brother, and they don't talk at all because of the money that was left by my grandfather. This caused a rift between the two of them that even 15 years later has never been repaired. My grandfather had decided in his will that my uncle had inherited all he was going to get while my grandfather was alive and left everything to my mother, which my uncle thought was unfair. I won't go into the details, but it was an ugly battle and my mother came out the winner in the end.
But the point I am trying to make by telling you all of this, is that money doesn't always make a family or even a person happier, it does make it easier to life and life comfortably, but it doesn't essentially mean that they have a perfect life, that there aren't problems, and certainly doesn't mean they are happy. Yet, in contrast there seems to be a bond on my father's side of the family where struggling and need brought the family closer, there was happiness and laughter, acceptance and companionship to be found. As I told you my dad's mother struggled to take care for her family on a widow's pension, that was meager by any sense of the word. Constantly fraught with bills, and housing situations, they somehow made it through, and through it all there was love and a unity that cannot be explained. I envy that side of the family really because no matter what the situation they faced it together, and overcame the obstacles and kept holding on together.
My dad's mother never swore, and as far back as I can remember looked old, but she had a fierceness about her and a driving force that made her the perfect matriarch. She protected us all and stood up to anyone that she thought was a threat to her or the family. One of the kids down the street that was friends with my cousin Eric, got in some sort of trouble and my grandmother chased him away, for whatever reason, and his father came down and threatened her. I was there! He had an axe handle in his hands and kept telling her that if she ever chased his son away with a broom again he would be back. Her words to him were firm and she held out her bony arm and said here, you think your man enough, break it! You know what, he looked at her with amazement in his eyes, and turned speechless and left. That is how strong she was, undeterred and not afraid of anything.
When I would come over as a child she would stand up for me. She knew how my parents were and she would hug me and kiss me and tell me that everything would be alright, and I knew without a doubt that she loved me and if by chance I got into some kind of trouble and my Uncle Jim was angry, Jim her youngest that lived with her till she died, she would tell him I got enough abuse and beatings at home and would keep him from punishing me. I think about her often, and I wonder how she did it. How she kept the family together, showed love to everyone, never let anyone know the financial stress and pressure she had to have felt. How every year she always sent $5.00 for every birthday, knowing that she couldn't spare it. How much love must she have had to weather all those storms of life, being on her own for so long and raising her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. In my own life I have never seen so much love and dedication. No matter how much money I have made in my life have I ever been able to experience that sort of happiness and love again.
Up until late 2008 I was making well over 100k a year, had 2 homes, at least 2 cars, 2 dogs, a cat and a solid relationship. But like my parents before me, my relationship was full of fights and arguments, most stemming from bills and money. It couldn't last, there wasn't the kind of peace and love in it like there was in my grandmother's world. So, as I look back and ponder the question does money equal happiness? I would have to answer that it does not. That the issues remain the same whether you have money or not, that the secret to all of this is contentment, happiness and joy. I now understand that if you aren't content with what you have at every moment of your life and give joy and thanks for what you have. There is no possible way that you can ever be happy. It takes an deep understanding to see the achievements you have made and to be thankful for them. To appreciate the people that are with you and help you to achieve them. I want you to be blessed. I want you to be able to feel the love and joy in every moment of your life. I want you to cherish the things that you have and be thankful for what you have achieved. Above all else I want you to love yourself and your family. Money does make the world go round, but it doesn't buy you happiness or peace of mind. Only you can do that and it comes from within yourself. It is not something you can chase down, achieve, or even buy. So take a moment and be thankful for what you have and who you are with. Love and cherish them, hug them and tell them daily how much you care for them. Life is short and before you know it, it might be too late and they are gone before you have a chance to tell them how much you love them.
I miss all my grandparents, I understand them better now, and didn't when I was younger. If I knew what I know now, I would have loved better, cherished more, and told them how much they inspired me. But they are gone now, and it took me so long to realize what was right in front of my face the entire time.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
I was seven when we moved away, and even though we moved from Pennsylvania to Texas, my parents did go home to visit often. When I was in the sixth grade, my parents went on a year long vacation and my younger brother and I were sent to live with my mother's mom who lived fairly close by my other grandmother, and I would spend every weekend that I could with my dad's mom. She was born in 1895 and had lot's of stories to tell about how things had changed during her life. My dad's mother was the first to realize I was different and told me long ago that I was special and that I had a gift of joy and love to share with the world, that I should not let my parents or anyone deter me from sharing my gifts.
I joined the Navy right out of high school, and after boot camp and A school, I was transferred to the U.S.S. Wisconsin (BB-64) the last of the Great Battleships. We spent a great deal of time in the shipyards getting her ready for recommissioning. Some of the time we were in Pascagoula, MS and the other part of the time we were in the Naval Shipyard in Philadelphia. It was then that I spent every weekend visiting my grandparents, splitting the time between both of them, and my mother's sister at the same time. It was during these visits that I began to notice how different one side of my family was compared to the other side. See, my parents fought all the time, were physically and mentally abusive compared to what parents are today. My parents had moved away to follow their dreams, and in a sense made it. Back then my father was making good money about 50 to 60k a year, and my mother's family had always had money.
Now, to understand the contrast between the two sides of my family you have to understand that there was love, a sense of family and togetherness on my father's side that wasn't found on my mother's side. My dad's mom pulled the family together, kept them together, and spent time with her children and grandchildren. Even though she lived and supported a bigger family of 6 or more on her widows pension, she was always surrounded by family and love. My mom's side of the family there were never any real close ties or bonds, my mother and her sister were close, but there was 17 years difference between my mother and her brother, where there were only 2 years difference between her and her sister. My mom's parents bickered and often fought, yet there was a gulf separating them. It didn't matter how successful my parents were or my aunt was there just didn't seem to be the same kind of love and warmth that was shown on my dad's side of the family.
Now, I do believe that my mom's parents love each other and their family, it was just shown differently, my mother came from a much different place than my father did. There wasn't any want or real need on my mother's side of the family, my mom's mother never had to work, and had every comfort of life. She did struggle with being a mother and a grandmother, and I believe that it came from being married at such a young age. My grandfather served in the Navy during World War II and built upon his career when he got out. Made lots of money and kept the family well insulated from the world around him. He was a remarkable man, full of energy and continued to work until his death at 80 years of age. He never slowed down, and was frugal with his money. When he passed away he left a great deal behind. Which caused a lot of strife between my mother and her brother who were the only ones left in my mother's family. My grandmother had passed away in the late 80's and my aunt had died in a car accident 2 years before my grandmother.
Of course there is more to the story which helped me to come to a better understanding of life and the correlation between happiness and money. To look into this a bit further, I would like to talk to you about my own family life, and how it comparatively contrasted my aunt's life. See my mother and father, had made their money by working hard, my mother going to medical school and studying to be a nurse and then other things, my father worked his way up in the electronics field. There marriage was never happy, there were constant fights and struggles, and they ended up marrying and divorcing each other 3 separate times. Neither one could see that this was unhealthy for them, and damaging to both of them. My aunt's life on the other hand, she had worked herself to a position high up in the insurance industry, she actually put her career before anything else, and got married later in life. She was an executive Vice President of a large insurance firm when she met her husband who was in the toy industry. Both of them had money when they met and married, yet over time their relationship was fraught with problems just like my parents. Now keep in mind that I had spent a great deal of time with my family the 2 years I was stationed in Philadelphia, and I got to know my aunt and uncle very well, as well as spent time with both grandmothers and my grandfather. My aunt and uncle's way of dealing with issues was to pour money into the problem to try and make it go away. Maybe they did this hoping that by some chance the issue would just take care of itself while they focused on other things. Unfortunately, that never happened, I know that my aunt had hoped that she would be able to reconcile the differences between herself and her husband, but never got the chance because she was killed by a drunk driver. My mother's parents never seemed to talk about anything, when my grandmother complained, my grandfather, went to work and brought in more money and also through money at the situation.
In the end all I can say is this, my parents couldn't make it work, by throwing dollars over fist at the issues that faced them, my aunt and uncle nor my grandmother or father ever did it that way either. My parents today are not together, and have moved on with their lives apart. An appropriate solution and they both seem so much happier. Everybody else is dead and gone now on my mother's side, except for her and her brother, and they don't talk at all because of the money that was left by my grandfather. This caused a rift between the two of them that even 15 years later has never been repaired. My grandfather had decided in his will that my uncle had inherited all he was going to get while my grandfather was alive and left everything to my mother, which my uncle thought was unfair. I won't go into the details, but it was an ugly battle and my mother came out the winner in the end.
But the point I am trying to make by telling you all of this, is that money doesn't always make a family or even a person happier, it does make it easier to life and life comfortably, but it doesn't essentially mean that they have a perfect life, that there aren't problems, and certainly doesn't mean they are happy. Yet, in contrast there seems to be a bond on my father's side of the family where struggling and need brought the family closer, there was happiness and laughter, acceptance and companionship to be found. As I told you my dad's mother struggled to take care for her family on a widow's pension, that was meager by any sense of the word. Constantly fraught with bills, and housing situations, they somehow made it through, and through it all there was love and a unity that cannot be explained. I envy that side of the family really because no matter what the situation they faced it together, and overcame the obstacles and kept holding on together.
My dad's mother never swore, and as far back as I can remember looked old, but she had a fierceness about her and a driving force that made her the perfect matriarch. She protected us all and stood up to anyone that she thought was a threat to her or the family. One of the kids down the street that was friends with my cousin Eric, got in some sort of trouble and my grandmother chased him away, for whatever reason, and his father came down and threatened her. I was there! He had an axe handle in his hands and kept telling her that if she ever chased his son away with a broom again he would be back. Her words to him were firm and she held out her bony arm and said here, you think your man enough, break it! You know what, he looked at her with amazement in his eyes, and turned speechless and left. That is how strong she was, undeterred and not afraid of anything.
When I would come over as a child she would stand up for me. She knew how my parents were and she would hug me and kiss me and tell me that everything would be alright, and I knew without a doubt that she loved me and if by chance I got into some kind of trouble and my Uncle Jim was angry, Jim her youngest that lived with her till she died, she would tell him I got enough abuse and beatings at home and would keep him from punishing me. I think about her often, and I wonder how she did it. How she kept the family together, showed love to everyone, never let anyone know the financial stress and pressure she had to have felt. How every year she always sent $5.00 for every birthday, knowing that she couldn't spare it. How much love must she have had to weather all those storms of life, being on her own for so long and raising her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. In my own life I have never seen so much love and dedication. No matter how much money I have made in my life have I ever been able to experience that sort of happiness and love again.
Up until late 2008 I was making well over 100k a year, had 2 homes, at least 2 cars, 2 dogs, a cat and a solid relationship. But like my parents before me, my relationship was full of fights and arguments, most stemming from bills and money. It couldn't last, there wasn't the kind of peace and love in it like there was in my grandmother's world. So, as I look back and ponder the question does money equal happiness? I would have to answer that it does not. That the issues remain the same whether you have money or not, that the secret to all of this is contentment, happiness and joy. I now understand that if you aren't content with what you have at every moment of your life and give joy and thanks for what you have. There is no possible way that you can ever be happy. It takes an deep understanding to see the achievements you have made and to be thankful for them. To appreciate the people that are with you and help you to achieve them. I want you to be blessed. I want you to be able to feel the love and joy in every moment of your life. I want you to cherish the things that you have and be thankful for what you have achieved. Above all else I want you to love yourself and your family. Money does make the world go round, but it doesn't buy you happiness or peace of mind. Only you can do that and it comes from within yourself. It is not something you can chase down, achieve, or even buy. So take a moment and be thankful for what you have and who you are with. Love and cherish them, hug them and tell them daily how much you care for them. Life is short and before you know it, it might be too late and they are gone before you have a chance to tell them how much you love them.
I miss all my grandparents, I understand them better now, and didn't when I was younger. If I knew what I know now, I would have loved better, cherished more, and told them how much they inspired me. But they are gone now, and it took me so long to realize what was right in front of my face the entire time.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
The August 1st Full Moon
Tonight I looked up in the sky and I saw that the moon had risen full and bright
so I sat down under it's light to write a poem that would delight.
Here is my poem I hope you enjoy
Like a kid with a new toy:
Moon Light This August Night:
by Bryan Zepp II
Bright and shiny moon
In the starry sky you loom
above the breeze I can hear the ocean boom
as your light fills my room.
On this first August night
I wonder at your light so bright
and stand in awe of your might
I wish your face could quell my fright.
On the breeze I feel the change
coming from a distant range
my future to rearrange
how I wish I alone would change.
Sitting here beneath your glow
I wish my future you would show
grant me peace and let me know
the path or road on which to go.
My pain is finally near and end
I long to hear your voice my friend
to guide my journey around each bend,
to make it through and cause my heart to mend.
I miss your smile and warm embrace
how I long to see your face
to hold you tight and feel your loving grace,
But thank God your aren't in this place.
Because I feel so alone
and I am weary to the bone,
I couldn't bear to hear you moan.
Oh, I wish your strength you could loan.
For I am lost under the moon
trapped in my lonely room
how bright the light that filters down
that makes the day to night as the world goes round
Oh beautiful and bright moon light
Hear my plea this very night,
to help me find my way and keep my path alright?
So I can face my fright
and keep my head upright!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
so I sat down under it's light to write a poem that would delight.
Here is my poem I hope you enjoy
Like a kid with a new toy:
Moon Light This August Night:
by Bryan Zepp II
Bright and shiny moon
In the starry sky you loom
above the breeze I can hear the ocean boom
as your light fills my room.
On this first August night
I wonder at your light so bright
and stand in awe of your might
I wish your face could quell my fright.
On the breeze I feel the change
coming from a distant range
my future to rearrange
how I wish I alone would change.
Sitting here beneath your glow
I wish my future you would show
grant me peace and let me know
the path or road on which to go.
My pain is finally near and end
I long to hear your voice my friend
to guide my journey around each bend,
to make it through and cause my heart to mend.
I miss your smile and warm embrace
how I long to see your face
to hold you tight and feel your loving grace,
But thank God your aren't in this place.
Because I feel so alone
and I am weary to the bone,
I couldn't bear to hear you moan.
Oh, I wish your strength you could loan.
For I am lost under the moon
trapped in my lonely room
how bright the light that filters down
that makes the day to night as the world goes round
Oh beautiful and bright moon light
Hear my plea this very night,
to help me find my way and keep my path alright?
So I can face my fright
and keep my head upright!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Bisexuality....My take on the subject
I honestly don't think many people like to be labeled one thing or another, but I was thinking about bisexuality the other day and it began to dawn on me that we are all born bisexual. It is only after we start to form bonds with others that it becomes evident that we are part of one group or another. It seems to me that as we grow and mature, the attraction between one sex or the other starts to outweigh one another. For example in elementary school and middle school I was attracted to both guys and girls, in high school I still dated girls, but it was here that I finally started to be attracted to guys more than girls, and then after high school when I was in the Navy and away from home, I was finally able to explore my sexuality and come to terms with who I was.
Experimentation is a part of everyone's life. I am sure everybody has a story that they could tell you about a friend that they played around with and so forth. It is only when we feel that we bond easier with one sex over the other that we realize or begin to identify with that sexual group. Some people never get out of that stage and enjoy the company of both sexes. People in this category don't necessarily find it harder or easier to bond with male or female, honestly they feel comfortable bonding with either/or depending on the person. In this entry I am going to use the term "homosexual" or "gay" to describe both male and female attraction to the same sex. It will make it that much easier for conversation sake.
Homosexuality has been around as long as man has been on the earth. In ancient times it wasn't as taboo or frowned upon as it is today. There were less stigmas associated with the behavior, and you were free to engage in either same-sex or opposite-sex at your leisure. Bisexuality was probably pretty prevalent in those times. Men and women were more understanding and shared their partners more readily then we do today. Our culture doesn't encourage multiple partners or mates, unless you were part of the old Mormon Faith that believed in polygamy, or still follow more ancient forms of religion like paganism. In countries that practice Buddhism they may take more than one mate because a marriage in their religion is not a sacrament and is considered purely a secular affair. If you find yourself attracted to members of the same sex as well as those of the opposite sex, I encourage you to expand your horizons and actually indulge in those attractions, explore the feelings and intimacy that both offer.
Don't be afraid, empower yourself to seek and discover the benefits of both. You don't have to label yourself as one or the other, be open minded and explore. Youth is meant for taking chances, exploring hidden pleasures and choosing a direction for your life. While you are experiencing and opening yourself up to life and all it's pleasures you are going to begin to feel which group you form closer attachments to and who you feel more comfortable with. As I have said over and over again in other blog entries, experiment and think outside the box, above all else keep an open mind and enjoy the pleasure and sensations you are feeling. Release the feelings of guilt, that are fostered on you by religion and societal pressures there is nothing wrong with what you are doing, and everyone has tried it in some form or fashion at least once in their lives. Some believe that if you are gay or bisexual that you have chosen this path, and I can tell you, I for one did not make a conscious decision to be gay. I can tell you that over time I felt I could bond and understand males more than females. I felt more comfortable being with males and I felt closer to them than I did females. As I have told you I dated both for a long time, and over time the affinity I felt for males begun to outweigh what I felt for females. Most of my best friends are females, I feel a kinship to them, I think because we have similar interests and habits. I can also tell you this, if I would have been able to make a choice, I would never have chosen the course that I am on.
Gay relationships are harder than straight ones, and have their own internal pressure as well as the pressure from outside. All because society's views are that of being closed minded and repressive. We are taught that it is wrong to care for someone of the same sex, and it is preached against in the church and so forth. We have to deal with all those pressures, as well as the ridicule and hate that are spawned by those teachings. Which is why some people choose to hide their sexuality and live dual lives and hide behind lies. By doing such they carry a tremendous amount of pressure and guilt upon their shoulders. For a better picture of what I am talking about above I suggest that you read my entry on "Coming out a tale of fear" I talk about some of the same things in it. Societal norms and pressure put on today's youth about their sexuality and preference is extremely prejudicial and makes it hard for them to deal with the feelings that they feel inside of them, and with those feelings, comes fear of discover, fear of being different, fear of not being excepted, fear of being ridiculed and the total fear that everyone they know will abandon them. Trust me coming to terms with your own sexuality is one of the hardest things you are going to have to do. But as I have stated I am a firm believer that this is not a personal choice we are born the way we are and we gravitate and feel a connection with one or the opposite sex as we develop and mature more. The group we eventually align with or are drawn to is dependent solely on which group we feel more closely connected to and bond easier with.
When we are conceived without gender, the gender assignment doesn't happen till the 13th week of pregnancy or after. Hormones present in the amniotic fluid help the embryo develop into a male or female fetus. The hormone for males is testosterone and estrogen for the females. but up until the 16th week of pregnancy the developing genitalia are identical apart from the hormone that is present in the maternal system, which helps identify what sex the baby is going to be when born. So from conception till week 16 both the male and female zygote, embryo to fetus transition happens exactly the same, there is no way to determine what gender they are going to be, except by testing the hormone levels, and depending on the mother's hormone levels this too could be misleading. A woman with high levels of testosterone would give an abnormal reading at first as would a woman with the reverse, high levels of estrogen. In some rare cases human children have been born of both sexes. Having developed male and female genitalia. Again, this research just goes to prove that we are of both sexes till some point in the maturation process within the womb, therefore it is probable that bisexuality is a natural condition for us humans, and that we let society and religion taint it and make it wrong.
What you should come away with from here is that you shouldn't be afraid to explore your own sexuality, and should feel comfortable with what you do. There is no shame in experimentation and discovering for yourself what feels enjoyable. Don't let society pressure you into a role that you are uncomfortable with. There is no shame in remaining bisexual, maybe you find sex with both sexes extremely pleasurable. I see nothing wrong in that at all. Most of us, if not all have experimented. Some like me have found that we bond and attach more easily to men, over time the attraction toward men becomes stronger and we identify ourselves as being gay. However, others will find that the attraction to the opposite sex grows stronger as the grow and mature so they associate themselves with being heterosexual or straight. Though there are those that can label themselves anyway they want and still find beauty in both sexes. I know I do, though I openly consider myself gay, I still find some women very attractive and talk to them. Of course, I catch myself looking at men too and finding them attractive.
A word of caution don't let other people tell you what you are and what you are supposed to be. You are you and only you can decide what is going to make you happy. I have known so many men that have stayed in the closet and gotten married and had children who continue to play with members of the same sex behind their spouses back. I have even know a few that decided well into their marriage that they couldn't stand to live with the lies and deceptions any longer so they tell their family. Everyone gets hurt in that scenario. I ask you to be brutally honest with yourself and those around you. Don't let a lie destroy you and hurt the people you care about, and be sure you are ready to make a commitment before you jump into something. Again I suggest you try it before you knock it.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Experimentation is a part of everyone's life. I am sure everybody has a story that they could tell you about a friend that they played around with and so forth. It is only when we feel that we bond easier with one sex over the other that we realize or begin to identify with that sexual group. Some people never get out of that stage and enjoy the company of both sexes. People in this category don't necessarily find it harder or easier to bond with male or female, honestly they feel comfortable bonding with either/or depending on the person. In this entry I am going to use the term "homosexual" or "gay" to describe both male and female attraction to the same sex. It will make it that much easier for conversation sake.
Homosexuality has been around as long as man has been on the earth. In ancient times it wasn't as taboo or frowned upon as it is today. There were less stigmas associated with the behavior, and you were free to engage in either same-sex or opposite-sex at your leisure. Bisexuality was probably pretty prevalent in those times. Men and women were more understanding and shared their partners more readily then we do today. Our culture doesn't encourage multiple partners or mates, unless you were part of the old Mormon Faith that believed in polygamy, or still follow more ancient forms of religion like paganism. In countries that practice Buddhism they may take more than one mate because a marriage in their religion is not a sacrament and is considered purely a secular affair. If you find yourself attracted to members of the same sex as well as those of the opposite sex, I encourage you to expand your horizons and actually indulge in those attractions, explore the feelings and intimacy that both offer.
Don't be afraid, empower yourself to seek and discover the benefits of both. You don't have to label yourself as one or the other, be open minded and explore. Youth is meant for taking chances, exploring hidden pleasures and choosing a direction for your life. While you are experiencing and opening yourself up to life and all it's pleasures you are going to begin to feel which group you form closer attachments to and who you feel more comfortable with. As I have said over and over again in other blog entries, experiment and think outside the box, above all else keep an open mind and enjoy the pleasure and sensations you are feeling. Release the feelings of guilt, that are fostered on you by religion and societal pressures there is nothing wrong with what you are doing, and everyone has tried it in some form or fashion at least once in their lives. Some believe that if you are gay or bisexual that you have chosen this path, and I can tell you, I for one did not make a conscious decision to be gay. I can tell you that over time I felt I could bond and understand males more than females. I felt more comfortable being with males and I felt closer to them than I did females. As I have told you I dated both for a long time, and over time the affinity I felt for males begun to outweigh what I felt for females. Most of my best friends are females, I feel a kinship to them, I think because we have similar interests and habits. I can also tell you this, if I would have been able to make a choice, I would never have chosen the course that I am on.
Gay relationships are harder than straight ones, and have their own internal pressure as well as the pressure from outside. All because society's views are that of being closed minded and repressive. We are taught that it is wrong to care for someone of the same sex, and it is preached against in the church and so forth. We have to deal with all those pressures, as well as the ridicule and hate that are spawned by those teachings. Which is why some people choose to hide their sexuality and live dual lives and hide behind lies. By doing such they carry a tremendous amount of pressure and guilt upon their shoulders. For a better picture of what I am talking about above I suggest that you read my entry on "Coming out a tale of fear" I talk about some of the same things in it. Societal norms and pressure put on today's youth about their sexuality and preference is extremely prejudicial and makes it hard for them to deal with the feelings that they feel inside of them, and with those feelings, comes fear of discover, fear of being different, fear of not being excepted, fear of being ridiculed and the total fear that everyone they know will abandon them. Trust me coming to terms with your own sexuality is one of the hardest things you are going to have to do. But as I have stated I am a firm believer that this is not a personal choice we are born the way we are and we gravitate and feel a connection with one or the opposite sex as we develop and mature more. The group we eventually align with or are drawn to is dependent solely on which group we feel more closely connected to and bond easier with.
When we are conceived without gender, the gender assignment doesn't happen till the 13th week of pregnancy or after. Hormones present in the amniotic fluid help the embryo develop into a male or female fetus. The hormone for males is testosterone and estrogen for the females. but up until the 16th week of pregnancy the developing genitalia are identical apart from the hormone that is present in the maternal system, which helps identify what sex the baby is going to be when born. So from conception till week 16 both the male and female zygote, embryo to fetus transition happens exactly the same, there is no way to determine what gender they are going to be, except by testing the hormone levels, and depending on the mother's hormone levels this too could be misleading. A woman with high levels of testosterone would give an abnormal reading at first as would a woman with the reverse, high levels of estrogen. In some rare cases human children have been born of both sexes. Having developed male and female genitalia. Again, this research just goes to prove that we are of both sexes till some point in the maturation process within the womb, therefore it is probable that bisexuality is a natural condition for us humans, and that we let society and religion taint it and make it wrong.
What you should come away with from here is that you shouldn't be afraid to explore your own sexuality, and should feel comfortable with what you do. There is no shame in experimentation and discovering for yourself what feels enjoyable. Don't let society pressure you into a role that you are uncomfortable with. There is no shame in remaining bisexual, maybe you find sex with both sexes extremely pleasurable. I see nothing wrong in that at all. Most of us, if not all have experimented. Some like me have found that we bond and attach more easily to men, over time the attraction toward men becomes stronger and we identify ourselves as being gay. However, others will find that the attraction to the opposite sex grows stronger as the grow and mature so they associate themselves with being heterosexual or straight. Though there are those that can label themselves anyway they want and still find beauty in both sexes. I know I do, though I openly consider myself gay, I still find some women very attractive and talk to them. Of course, I catch myself looking at men too and finding them attractive.
A word of caution don't let other people tell you what you are and what you are supposed to be. You are you and only you can decide what is going to make you happy. I have known so many men that have stayed in the closet and gotten married and had children who continue to play with members of the same sex behind their spouses back. I have even know a few that decided well into their marriage that they couldn't stand to live with the lies and deceptions any longer so they tell their family. Everyone gets hurt in that scenario. I ask you to be brutally honest with yourself and those around you. Don't let a lie destroy you and hurt the people you care about, and be sure you are ready to make a commitment before you jump into something. Again I suggest you try it before you knock it.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
You can do it on your own, you don't need anybody!
I know if you are anything like me you don't like being alone at all. But, I want to tell you that there are some things you are just better at doing by yourself. It is always nice to have a support network to help you through the rough times in your life, and believe me your friends and family are going to pull together for you and help you through those times, and you won't have to face them alone. What I am talking about here is that you don't need another person in your life to define you or make you whole. Sure it is nice to have someone to love, to depend on, to care for, but sometimes the timing is not right or you just can't seem to come together. No matter what the reason is for you being single, understand that you can do it on your own. You don't need someone to hold your hand and coddle you through. One of my fears that I have always had was that I was going to get sick and die alone, that I wouldn't be able to find someone that could care and love me for who I am. Especially after all the surgeries and illnesses I have been through.
Sure it has made it harder for me to find someone who truly and genuinely cares for me, because it seems that having an illness and dwelling on that lowers your defenses, you have a tendency to cling to anyone that shows you the least little bit of attention or affection. I can tell you that this can possibly lead to humiliation and heartbreak, because some of these people are opportunist that are looking for vulnerable people to prey upon and take what they can get from them. Now, I am not saying that everyone is like that, but you have to be extremely careful because there is a world full of predators out there that are looking for the weak and the vulnerable to prey upon and use up. I have found myself personally in that situation more than once, and it isn't fun, and it becomes extremely costly.
There is hope for you and anyone really that wants to read and listen. You honestly don't need anyone to complete you, you can complete yourself. Trust me when I tell you that you can get sucked into a relationship, you can loose yourself and loose your sense of direction. Further, once you are in a relationship you are going to go through a lot of changes and compromises, and believe it or not most of your dreams and goals are going to end up taking a back seat in your life. First in a relationship you are trying to adapt to your new environment and people that you are involved, integrating your friends and their friends into the mix. Then there is where are you going to live, and how you are going to manage the finances together, because combining two individuals into a pair takes some work, each of you have your own lives and issues that you have to bring together to deal with. You are going to want to deal with them as a team and work them through together. Plus there is the time that you are going to take getting to know one another better, and of course there is still having to work and possibly going to school to deal with and so many other things. That you just seem to stop doing your own things, because now you are doing "Our" things. Meaning as a couple you start doing things together. This is not an altogether bad thing believe me and it happens more than you can imagine. But as you are combining your lives, and streamlining the excess, and working out a whole new sets of goals, guess what happens to the dreams you once had, you got it, they fall by the wayside, maybe not totally forgotten, but they sure are put on the shelf for later review.
You may even come to discard your old dreams in favor of new dreams that you create with your partner. You both have expectations and desires to reach these dreams and complete them together, but what do you do when that relationship falls apart or just plain disappears? You are going to find yourself in a difficult place, you are hurt, your world seems upside down, and you don't know what your future is going to hold, and your faith in yourself and in the world around you is going to be very badly shaken. It may take you awhile to come back to yourself, to pick up the pieces of your shattered life and start over again. But eventually you will do it, and guess what you might even remember those old dreams that you shelved a while back and might decide that now is the perfect time to try them out. You figure you have nothing to loose and off you go.
Well, I have faith in you, because I have been there and done just what I described above, I started a new life, met someone in 1996 and decided that it was time for a new chapter in my life to begin. I actually dabbled in some of the things I used to be into, like pencil sketching, drawing, writing, doing research and practicing my beliefs. But honestly, I just dabbled, I wasn't really into it. I was too busy with my life, relationship, the drama that came with being in a relationship, then I was working and building a career, and buying houses, and cars, etc. Before you knew it my dreams and passions got left behind in the dirt. Even after my relationship ended, it did last for 12 years, but when it ended, I was too busy trying to find myself, re-establish my identity, figure out a sense of direction and of course get my feet back under me. My dreams unfortunately never had a chance to resurface. But now that time and distance from my failed relationship have brought into a much clearer focus I remember the dreams I had, and I am finally in a place in my life where I have my feet back under me and a stable foundation on which to build from. So I started writing again, and I have no partner in my life. Those of you that know me and have been following my blogs, know that there are two special people in my life that I have feelings for and they are both far away in Atlanta, and I don't get to talk to them on a regular basis, and that I don't even know if they realize I have an interest in them any more.
Anyhow, the point I am trying to make is this, I am back to a point in my life where I realize I can do everything I need to take care of myself. I don't need anyone else to tell me what to do, make decisions for me, hold my hand and of course keep me from doing the things that I love to do and have always dreamed of doing. It took me having to go through the darkest part of my life to realize that there is so much more out there just waiting to be done, and that I can do it all by myself. Sure as I mentioned above it would be nice to have someone in my life, but you know what if that ever comes about this time things are going to be a little different. I am going to encourage them to follow their dreams, to take a leap of faith and try to do accomplish whatever they desire. Because, I am focusing on attaining my own dreams and I don't have time for someone that is going to rain on my parade or hold me back. I won't settle for someone that doesn't have faith in me, that doesn't believe in me, or who tries to tell me that my dreams are unrealistic, or that I don't have talent or the myriad of other things that were used to hold me back and keep me down in my previous relationship. I have finally found myself again, and yes it took me a long while to realize that I didn't need another person, that my dreams were just as important to me as any other aspect of my life.
It also dawned on me that when we meet someone new that we have a preconceived notion of what they are supposed to be like and what the new relationship is supposed to be like. These notions are from what we see on TV, in our own family life, even that of our friends relationships. We end up constantly comparing the person and the relationship against these notions or expectations and when they don't measure up we get frustrated, disappointed and stress and discord enter the picture, we start fighting and as the tension builds so does the depression. I talked about this in my blog entry "You need to adjust and lower your expectations". The point here is that no one is ever going to measure up to your ideal or perfect person or relationship and if you don't come to terms with that, you are going to end up alienating yourself, pushing the person away, and destroying your relationship. Honestly, I believe that both of you are going to come to a point where you feel that nothing you do is right in the others eyes, and that everything you try to do to make each other happy only back fires.
No matter if you are in a relationship or if you have gone through the emotional turmoil of the break up, you have to rely on yourself. I have stressed over and over again in almost all my blog entries the importance of taking care of yourself, focusing your attention on your own needs, desires and goals. Because as I have said before, no one else is going to do it for you. If you don't put yourself first and foremost then you are going to get left behind, you are going to put your dreams on hold and they are never going to have the chance to be realized. You are going to wake up one morning and realize that your life is half over and you have yet to accomplish anything. That you have given up your dreams to raise a family, to take care of your partner, or raise children, or given everything you had to your career and job. You forgot all about yourself and your dreams, you decided that you could sacrifice them to survive. But take it from me those are the types of regrets you don't want to have in your life, and guess what I am here to tell you that you don't have to.
I am also here to tell you that if you come to a point in your life and you find yourself alone, and sometimes feeling lonely, don't think that you have to go out there and find yourself somebody, because you don't. You can do it all on your own, you won't have any distractions, nobody holding you back, or taking your time. One of my favorite movies the son tells his mother " I can cook, clean, sew, fix the plumbing and pat myself on the back, just so you don't have to." You are going to find that you don't need anyone in your life to feel complete, you can prove to yourself that you are worthy of happiness, and are destined for great things. You are strong enough to take care of yourself, and of course you have your friends and family. Don't let yourself be pressured or forget what you believe in, because you are worth it. You owe it to yourself to reach for your dreams, to take a leap of faith and find your success. I am here to tell you that you are never too old to reach for and accomplish your dreams. Look at Fantasia Barrino, she is the young singer who won season 3 of American Idol, she was a single mother, struggling, working hard to take care of herself and her baby. She had almost forgot her dream. She almost let it go, a friend of her's encouraged her, told her that her voice was her gift and that God gave it to her to make a success from. She told her brother, that her grandmother and her mother had given up their dreams to take care of them and raise them, but she wasn't going to do it, she was going to make it so her daughter would be able to reach for her dreams when she grew up. You should really check out her story "Fantasia Barrino: Life is not a fairy tale", I am so sure you will be amazed at her life and be able to take some inspiration from it.
I am always looking for people whose lives touch me and inspire me, and I can tell you this. You can do anything you want to, you must set your mind to it, work hard, and do what it takes, fight for it, don't worry about the people talking about you and putting you down, because you know what at least they are thinking about you, and if they are great. Don't give up or quit, see it through to the end, I know it is going to be hard and you are going to want to throw in the towel, but guess what stick it out you are going to be so happy you did. The rewards and joy are going to so outweigh the pain you had to endure getting there. If there are people holding you back and keeping you down, you have to be strong enough to let them go, find the strength within yourself to know that you can do it, you can make it and you will. You deserve the best, you don't need anyone holding you down...trust me you can make it one your own you don't need anybody.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Sure it has made it harder for me to find someone who truly and genuinely cares for me, because it seems that having an illness and dwelling on that lowers your defenses, you have a tendency to cling to anyone that shows you the least little bit of attention or affection. I can tell you that this can possibly lead to humiliation and heartbreak, because some of these people are opportunist that are looking for vulnerable people to prey upon and take what they can get from them. Now, I am not saying that everyone is like that, but you have to be extremely careful because there is a world full of predators out there that are looking for the weak and the vulnerable to prey upon and use up. I have found myself personally in that situation more than once, and it isn't fun, and it becomes extremely costly.
There is hope for you and anyone really that wants to read and listen. You honestly don't need anyone to complete you, you can complete yourself. Trust me when I tell you that you can get sucked into a relationship, you can loose yourself and loose your sense of direction. Further, once you are in a relationship you are going to go through a lot of changes and compromises, and believe it or not most of your dreams and goals are going to end up taking a back seat in your life. First in a relationship you are trying to adapt to your new environment and people that you are involved, integrating your friends and their friends into the mix. Then there is where are you going to live, and how you are going to manage the finances together, because combining two individuals into a pair takes some work, each of you have your own lives and issues that you have to bring together to deal with. You are going to want to deal with them as a team and work them through together. Plus there is the time that you are going to take getting to know one another better, and of course there is still having to work and possibly going to school to deal with and so many other things. That you just seem to stop doing your own things, because now you are doing "Our" things. Meaning as a couple you start doing things together. This is not an altogether bad thing believe me and it happens more than you can imagine. But as you are combining your lives, and streamlining the excess, and working out a whole new sets of goals, guess what happens to the dreams you once had, you got it, they fall by the wayside, maybe not totally forgotten, but they sure are put on the shelf for later review.
You may even come to discard your old dreams in favor of new dreams that you create with your partner. You both have expectations and desires to reach these dreams and complete them together, but what do you do when that relationship falls apart or just plain disappears? You are going to find yourself in a difficult place, you are hurt, your world seems upside down, and you don't know what your future is going to hold, and your faith in yourself and in the world around you is going to be very badly shaken. It may take you awhile to come back to yourself, to pick up the pieces of your shattered life and start over again. But eventually you will do it, and guess what you might even remember those old dreams that you shelved a while back and might decide that now is the perfect time to try them out. You figure you have nothing to loose and off you go.
Well, I have faith in you, because I have been there and done just what I described above, I started a new life, met someone in 1996 and decided that it was time for a new chapter in my life to begin. I actually dabbled in some of the things I used to be into, like pencil sketching, drawing, writing, doing research and practicing my beliefs. But honestly, I just dabbled, I wasn't really into it. I was too busy with my life, relationship, the drama that came with being in a relationship, then I was working and building a career, and buying houses, and cars, etc. Before you knew it my dreams and passions got left behind in the dirt. Even after my relationship ended, it did last for 12 years, but when it ended, I was too busy trying to find myself, re-establish my identity, figure out a sense of direction and of course get my feet back under me. My dreams unfortunately never had a chance to resurface. But now that time and distance from my failed relationship have brought into a much clearer focus I remember the dreams I had, and I am finally in a place in my life where I have my feet back under me and a stable foundation on which to build from. So I started writing again, and I have no partner in my life. Those of you that know me and have been following my blogs, know that there are two special people in my life that I have feelings for and they are both far away in Atlanta, and I don't get to talk to them on a regular basis, and that I don't even know if they realize I have an interest in them any more.
Anyhow, the point I am trying to make is this, I am back to a point in my life where I realize I can do everything I need to take care of myself. I don't need anyone else to tell me what to do, make decisions for me, hold my hand and of course keep me from doing the things that I love to do and have always dreamed of doing. It took me having to go through the darkest part of my life to realize that there is so much more out there just waiting to be done, and that I can do it all by myself. Sure as I mentioned above it would be nice to have someone in my life, but you know what if that ever comes about this time things are going to be a little different. I am going to encourage them to follow their dreams, to take a leap of faith and try to do accomplish whatever they desire. Because, I am focusing on attaining my own dreams and I don't have time for someone that is going to rain on my parade or hold me back. I won't settle for someone that doesn't have faith in me, that doesn't believe in me, or who tries to tell me that my dreams are unrealistic, or that I don't have talent or the myriad of other things that were used to hold me back and keep me down in my previous relationship. I have finally found myself again, and yes it took me a long while to realize that I didn't need another person, that my dreams were just as important to me as any other aspect of my life.
It also dawned on me that when we meet someone new that we have a preconceived notion of what they are supposed to be like and what the new relationship is supposed to be like. These notions are from what we see on TV, in our own family life, even that of our friends relationships. We end up constantly comparing the person and the relationship against these notions or expectations and when they don't measure up we get frustrated, disappointed and stress and discord enter the picture, we start fighting and as the tension builds so does the depression. I talked about this in my blog entry "You need to adjust and lower your expectations". The point here is that no one is ever going to measure up to your ideal or perfect person or relationship and if you don't come to terms with that, you are going to end up alienating yourself, pushing the person away, and destroying your relationship. Honestly, I believe that both of you are going to come to a point where you feel that nothing you do is right in the others eyes, and that everything you try to do to make each other happy only back fires.
No matter if you are in a relationship or if you have gone through the emotional turmoil of the break up, you have to rely on yourself. I have stressed over and over again in almost all my blog entries the importance of taking care of yourself, focusing your attention on your own needs, desires and goals. Because as I have said before, no one else is going to do it for you. If you don't put yourself first and foremost then you are going to get left behind, you are going to put your dreams on hold and they are never going to have the chance to be realized. You are going to wake up one morning and realize that your life is half over and you have yet to accomplish anything. That you have given up your dreams to raise a family, to take care of your partner, or raise children, or given everything you had to your career and job. You forgot all about yourself and your dreams, you decided that you could sacrifice them to survive. But take it from me those are the types of regrets you don't want to have in your life, and guess what I am here to tell you that you don't have to.
I am also here to tell you that if you come to a point in your life and you find yourself alone, and sometimes feeling lonely, don't think that you have to go out there and find yourself somebody, because you don't. You can do it all on your own, you won't have any distractions, nobody holding you back, or taking your time. One of my favorite movies the son tells his mother " I can cook, clean, sew, fix the plumbing and pat myself on the back, just so you don't have to." You are going to find that you don't need anyone in your life to feel complete, you can prove to yourself that you are worthy of happiness, and are destined for great things. You are strong enough to take care of yourself, and of course you have your friends and family. Don't let yourself be pressured or forget what you believe in, because you are worth it. You owe it to yourself to reach for your dreams, to take a leap of faith and find your success. I am here to tell you that you are never too old to reach for and accomplish your dreams. Look at Fantasia Barrino, she is the young singer who won season 3 of American Idol, she was a single mother, struggling, working hard to take care of herself and her baby. She had almost forgot her dream. She almost let it go, a friend of her's encouraged her, told her that her voice was her gift and that God gave it to her to make a success from. She told her brother, that her grandmother and her mother had given up their dreams to take care of them and raise them, but she wasn't going to do it, she was going to make it so her daughter would be able to reach for her dreams when she grew up. You should really check out her story "Fantasia Barrino: Life is not a fairy tale", I am so sure you will be amazed at her life and be able to take some inspiration from it.
I am always looking for people whose lives touch me and inspire me, and I can tell you this. You can do anything you want to, you must set your mind to it, work hard, and do what it takes, fight for it, don't worry about the people talking about you and putting you down, because you know what at least they are thinking about you, and if they are great. Don't give up or quit, see it through to the end, I know it is going to be hard and you are going to want to throw in the towel, but guess what stick it out you are going to be so happy you did. The rewards and joy are going to so outweigh the pain you had to endure getting there. If there are people holding you back and keeping you down, you have to be strong enough to let them go, find the strength within yourself to know that you can do it, you can make it and you will. You deserve the best, you don't need anyone holding you down...trust me you can make it one your own you don't need anybody.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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