Let me tell you a little story about my mom. Last Easter she was finally able to return to her home after spending 9 long months in a nursing home. She had every reason to doubt that she would ever leave that nursing home. The doctors, physical therapists and nurses all told my mother the same thing. That she would never be able to walk again, that she would spend the rest of her life in that wheelchair. But, my mother is a woman of prayer and has faith in God and continually prayed for healing and respite. Over those 9 months she showed great progress but still no one ever thought that she would be able to walk again, and that she wouldn't be able to adjust to this new life that she found herself in.
Now, she had ever right to become depressed and despondent. She was all alone in Pennsylvania and stuck in a nursing home without any visitors except maybe the pastor and his wife, but because the pastor also works full-time visits were few and even sometimes rare. My mother told me that each phone call I made to her while she was in there was like having a visit or someone actually coming in to see you. It broke the monotony of the day and switched up the routine. I also know this from my own recent incursion at a local nursing home for rehabilitation.
Both, my mother and I had infections that attacked our back and spinal column. Her's was much worse than mine, she actually developed a huge abscess that actually ruptured and spilled out into her system. After 9 or 10 hours of washing and cleansing that internal sore out an accident occurred and the nerve endings to her lower body were cut. She was told as I have stated that she would be paralyzed and in that wheel chair forever. I was told something very similar during my stay in the rehab center. Yet, as of today I am walking free and clear without having to rely on a walker or a cane. My mother called me this evening and told me that she actually got a cart at the grocery store and was able to walk the entire store without any assistance or aid. The wheel chair was left in the car and she did it on her own.
Both my mother and me have great testimonies that we could share with you and in most cases I have shared mine with you. But the reason why I am bringing this up tonight is that I feel the need to remind not only myself but you as well that no matter what the situation, disaster, illness, or disability befalls us. if there is a Will there is a Way!
If you truly believe that you can do something you will be able to do it. The mind is a very powerful thing, and if we have a need and a desire we can accomplish anything. Remember that it is always darkest before the dawn. Which means the hardest part is yet to come but we can see the light and we know that once we reach it everything will be alright. I remind myself daily that nothing is permanent in this world and that everything passes. My grandmother used to tell me "This too shall pass wait and see". You know she was right!
Since 2012 I have been writing in this blog and I have been laying my life out in the open for anyone to see. I don't think that it is wrong for me to do this because I have gone through so many things that I believe that someone out there is or has gone through some situation that has been or is similar to what I went through and if my experience can help them through in some way then my sharing was all for the better. As many of you know I have been diagnosed with 6 separate terminal illnesses, yet I carry forward like nothing is wrong. People tell me that it is because I am strong and have a positive nature and outlook. But honestly, I believe that 90% is prayer and 10% is believing that my prayers are being answered daily.
I have become so in-tuned and in-touch with God that I see and experience miracles everyday. Example, 2 weeks ago I was ordered by the court to attend a drug and alcohol screening to see if I needed to go through some classes to help me deal with addiction. This was a mandatory condition of my probation and something that my probation officer set up for me. I had to meet with this counselor and pay $20 and let her evaluate and scrutinize every part of my life. But, as I was sitting there talking with the lady something miraculous happened, I felt a peace come over me and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Spirit of the Lord had come into the room and that I wasn't going to have to do any classes. As a matter of fact we talked for a bit longer and she asked me to look at her computer and fix it. Guess, what I did and for the time I spent working on her computer she paid me $20.
This was a tremendous blessing because that was my last $20 that I had and it was still several days till I got my next check. But, as I have always told you. You never know where a casual conversation is going to lead you. By taking my time and actually opening up to this counselor and telling her the absolute truth about my drug usage a miracle was performed. I knew that there was no sense to lie to her she had access to my entire record so she would have know if I was lying. Plus, it was easier to talk with her once I told her why should I lie, I would only get caught and she agreed with me. From that meeting she has contact the organization that I am a member of the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau and has asked for one our speakers to come in and talk to her groups to teach them all about HIV, AIDS and awareness.
You may be wondering why I am telling you all of this, and it is because I want you to know that you can and will succeed at every endeavor that is thrown your way and every obstacle that is in your path, and why do you think that is? Because if you "can conceive it and believe it you will achieve it." For every storm there is a lull or an eye it is when it seems to lighten up a bit and you have a temporary respite from the weather, but there is still more to come and you need to brace yourself for it. Always look for the light at the end of the tunnel, the silver lining in the clouds, Light dispels the darkness, chases away the shadows, and will eat away at the doubts and depression that are filling your mind. It is that speck of light in the distance that gives you hope, and pulls you ever onward toward it. Once you see that light you know you are almost home free and that you have made it through. It is not always easy to see the light at the end of the tunnel and those storm clouds can be mighty dark. Just keep in mind what my grandmother used to tell me this too shall pass. Trust me it will. Nothing last forever!
The point I am trying to make here is that there is nothing that you cannot overcome. Nothing has permanence in this life and time keeps marching on so if you have the will and the drive you can over come any obstacle that life has in store for you. Just keep in mind that if you keep a positive outlook on life, then the storms and hardships aren't too hard for you to weather, because the negativity just rolls off you like water.
If you don't believe me in this look at my mother's story and tell me that her continued improvement and victories were because she had the will to overcome and she didn't let depression and negativity hold her down. She knew what she wanted and she did what she had to to accomplish that. that is all I want for each and everyone of you. To set your mind to a task and own it. Set you will on it and make it your own because you can and you will succeed.
I am proud of the accomplishments my mother has made and it makes me feel good that she has progressed so far in such a short time. I am also proud of the strides I have made in my own personal life and health, because I know that when the physical therapist told me that I would never get out of that wheel chair, I just had to prove her wrong and I did everything I could to get myself out of that chair and I am so glad that I did. It taught me that if there is a will and a want you can accomplish it no matter what the obstacles are.
Take each day one at a time. Put your mind to a task and just do it. It might surprise you at what you can accomplish just by putting your mind to it.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
-Uncle B
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Saturday, January 17, 2015
Words are just words without any action to support them?
What I mean by this is you tell me something that you want me to believe you need to have performed some kind of action to support the deed that you are telling me about. It is so easy for us to lie to ourselves and even easier to lie to one another. Take it a different way, you tell me exactly what you think I want to hear and I am suppose to believe you on the basis of your statement. However, how can I believe what you are telling me when I know you. I have been around you and I know your actions and reactions to certain situations. As a friend we learn each others habits, tricks and faces, and when someone tries to get over on you, The first thing that comes to mind is it's all a lie.
The phrase keeps coming to mind "Actions speak louder than words" and that is a universal truth. The Bible even states that God helps those that helps themselves. In order for us to show our sincerity we have to be able to show actionable proof that we did something, that we accomplished something and that we aren't just full of bull. I know it is so easy to fall into a pattern of telling others what we think they want to hear, but we are just fooling ourselves, the other person knows we are full of it and that we didn't do what we are claiming.
It is so important more now than ever to be true to yourself. By this I mean you have to be brutally honest with yourself. You have to practice every day speaking the truth and only the truth. If you can master that then you are on the right track. Your deeds and your words will reflect one another and you become a person of integrity. See integrity is something that is so important today, money is scarce, jobs are hard to find and we are all struggling in some way or another. If you are a person of integrity you live as you preach. You are a man or woman of your word. Nothing can persuade you from that path. It is important for others to know that they can trust and count on you and that is the other part of integrity.
So let me break this down to you. Integrity is practicing what we preach, being 100 percent honest with ourselves and others, as well as being someone that another person can count on and trust in. There are too many people out there that are living in half truths and lies and they are expecting the rest of the world to believe them and the lies that they are selling. These are the people that you need to avoid and keep out of your life. You are here to make a change. To be better than you were and are, and in order to do this you must remain positive, faithful and truthful. The old adage is 100 percent dead on when they say " The Truth Shall Set You Free ". Try it I am sure you are going to get used to it.
That's right I believe that each and everyone of us needs to work on this issue. That we need to train ourselves and make ourselves be truthful not only to others but to ourselves as well. It is the nature of a man to tell a lie than to risk hurting another's feelings. I know this to be true because I catch myself at this all the time and I have to remember. That I would rather someone be 100 percent honest to my face and give me 15 minutes of pain, than for me to find out the truth from someone else the truth, because my pain is going to be so much worse having to find out the truth from another source. My trust will be broken with you and once trust is broken it is so hard to build back.
What am I trying to ell you in this entry? Exactly what I said at the beginning words are just words. Words can be used for communication, they can be used to build someone or something up, they can be used to hurt, maim or injure another. But, words are just that without any action behind them. As I have told you before, the worst wounds that another can inflict are wounds caused by words. Words that are spoken in anger, haste, or to tear down or degrade another person are words that cause wounds that will never heal. Trust will be lost, hope, faith, and even self-confidence can be ultimately destroyed by the words another inflicts upon you.
Yet, I have been saying that words without action are just words and that is true. However, using words to wound are words in action, you are openly telling someone something about another, or you are taking something that was given to you in trust and throwing back at the person who entrusted you and that is both deed and action combined. Why am I telling you this? Is this something that is important? I believe it is! Unintentionally I believe that someone has maligned my character, said stuff about me to get others to think about me a certain way. Now they know that they are lying but again they are trying to please another so they say hurtful and untruthful things.
An example of this recently came into my life through a bitter conversation with another person. This person claimed that because of my illness and surgeries that my anus was sown shut and that I couldn't have sex that way, Now I know that this was said to hurt me and make me feel bad about myself, but here is the rub. I don't have to respond or acknowledge that attack because I know and understand the truth of the situation. However, for arguments sake I will clarify my situation. In the past I have had a bowel resection this is where a part of the intestine is removed the two remaining parts are then fused back together. This causes a stricture or a narrowing of the walls, Over time this narrowing becomes harder to relax and open because of scare tissue. So the truth of the matter is this I can have sex that way. But in order to relax those muscles sufficiently takes time and effort. It is not impossible at all. So you see where I am going with this? The attack on me was unfounded and was not grounded in truth, so I didn't get angry at the situation, but I knew where the faulty information came from immediately and it saddened me that they had to lie about me to make themselves feel better about themselves.
When ever someone comes at you with words, take a few minutes before responding and actually think about your response, you will find that if you do this, it will unbalance the conversation and it will allow you to reveal the truth and your actions and words will demonstrate union where the other person will not be able substantiate what they have said.
Be careful with words, especially around children. Words are powerful and can do great things or cause great harm. Always remember that if you are true to yourself and honest with yourself you will be the same with everyone else.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
-Uncle B
The phrase keeps coming to mind "Actions speak louder than words" and that is a universal truth. The Bible even states that God helps those that helps themselves. In order for us to show our sincerity we have to be able to show actionable proof that we did something, that we accomplished something and that we aren't just full of bull. I know it is so easy to fall into a pattern of telling others what we think they want to hear, but we are just fooling ourselves, the other person knows we are full of it and that we didn't do what we are claiming.
It is so important more now than ever to be true to yourself. By this I mean you have to be brutally honest with yourself. You have to practice every day speaking the truth and only the truth. If you can master that then you are on the right track. Your deeds and your words will reflect one another and you become a person of integrity. See integrity is something that is so important today, money is scarce, jobs are hard to find and we are all struggling in some way or another. If you are a person of integrity you live as you preach. You are a man or woman of your word. Nothing can persuade you from that path. It is important for others to know that they can trust and count on you and that is the other part of integrity.
So let me break this down to you. Integrity is practicing what we preach, being 100 percent honest with ourselves and others, as well as being someone that another person can count on and trust in. There are too many people out there that are living in half truths and lies and they are expecting the rest of the world to believe them and the lies that they are selling. These are the people that you need to avoid and keep out of your life. You are here to make a change. To be better than you were and are, and in order to do this you must remain positive, faithful and truthful. The old adage is 100 percent dead on when they say " The Truth Shall Set You Free ". Try it I am sure you are going to get used to it.
That's right I believe that each and everyone of us needs to work on this issue. That we need to train ourselves and make ourselves be truthful not only to others but to ourselves as well. It is the nature of a man to tell a lie than to risk hurting another's feelings. I know this to be true because I catch myself at this all the time and I have to remember. That I would rather someone be 100 percent honest to my face and give me 15 minutes of pain, than for me to find out the truth from someone else the truth, because my pain is going to be so much worse having to find out the truth from another source. My trust will be broken with you and once trust is broken it is so hard to build back.
What am I trying to ell you in this entry? Exactly what I said at the beginning words are just words. Words can be used for communication, they can be used to build someone or something up, they can be used to hurt, maim or injure another. But, words are just that without any action behind them. As I have told you before, the worst wounds that another can inflict are wounds caused by words. Words that are spoken in anger, haste, or to tear down or degrade another person are words that cause wounds that will never heal. Trust will be lost, hope, faith, and even self-confidence can be ultimately destroyed by the words another inflicts upon you.
Yet, I have been saying that words without action are just words and that is true. However, using words to wound are words in action, you are openly telling someone something about another, or you are taking something that was given to you in trust and throwing back at the person who entrusted you and that is both deed and action combined. Why am I telling you this? Is this something that is important? I believe it is! Unintentionally I believe that someone has maligned my character, said stuff about me to get others to think about me a certain way. Now they know that they are lying but again they are trying to please another so they say hurtful and untruthful things.
An example of this recently came into my life through a bitter conversation with another person. This person claimed that because of my illness and surgeries that my anus was sown shut and that I couldn't have sex that way, Now I know that this was said to hurt me and make me feel bad about myself, but here is the rub. I don't have to respond or acknowledge that attack because I know and understand the truth of the situation. However, for arguments sake I will clarify my situation. In the past I have had a bowel resection this is where a part of the intestine is removed the two remaining parts are then fused back together. This causes a stricture or a narrowing of the walls, Over time this narrowing becomes harder to relax and open because of scare tissue. So the truth of the matter is this I can have sex that way. But in order to relax those muscles sufficiently takes time and effort. It is not impossible at all. So you see where I am going with this? The attack on me was unfounded and was not grounded in truth, so I didn't get angry at the situation, but I knew where the faulty information came from immediately and it saddened me that they had to lie about me to make themselves feel better about themselves.
When ever someone comes at you with words, take a few minutes before responding and actually think about your response, you will find that if you do this, it will unbalance the conversation and it will allow you to reveal the truth and your actions and words will demonstrate union where the other person will not be able substantiate what they have said.
Be careful with words, especially around children. Words are powerful and can do great things or cause great harm. Always remember that if you are true to yourself and honest with yourself you will be the same with everyone else.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
-Uncle B
Love cannot change another person!
I need to tell you my friends, that love is not a cure all. It cannot be the catalyst for change. No matter how much you love someone you cannot expect them to change to fit your ideal person. Love is something that is flexible and if you truly love someone you accept them for the whole package you shouldn't want them to change anything about themselves.
Yet, I can tell you that no one is perfect and each of us has preconceived notions of what life and love is supposed to be. But, to be honest our ideals and opinions are skewed by our perceptions and what we have gone through before. See you cannot compare one relationship to another. That would be like comparing apples and oranges. Both are fruits but they have different tastes, textures and flavors, each relationship is different. As are the people that you are in a relationship with, no two people are the same no matter what the circumstances are.
If you know a person, and let's say you have dated them in the past and you truly know them. How can you expect them to be anything other than what they are? Truly, take me and my ex as an example we came from a world where sex and drugs were the norm. We had sex parties and had experiences with others in our relationship, yet when I got sick and couldn't party like we used to I expected him to change with me. I had hoped that the love we had for each other would be enough. But, I realized that I didn't have the strength to save him, nor was I his mother or father, I couldn't inspire change. Katy Perry said it best in her song "Circling the Drain" I wanted to be his lover not his mother, couldn't be his savior I didn't have the power. I thought I was the exception, that I could rewrite his addiction, but he would make a hundred excuses why he needed to do it. I hoped and prayed for change, it never came.
See, I was talking to my best friend this morning and I came to the realization that if you take an animal from their natural environment you cannot expect them to change. They will still have their carnal nature to contend with. It is true you can tame a lion, domesticate a cat or dog, but take something wild and bring it into your home, and see if you can change it's nature. It can be done with skill, patience, and lots of dangerous experimentation. However, I took my partner from the drug scene in Atlanta and moved us here to Daytona, I thought that by taking him out of the drug filled environment we used to live in, to a place where we knew absolutely no one that I could influence and inspire change in him. Problem was the addiction was too strong and I watched as our lives started circling the drain like Katy Perry had said.
He was going to start writing music and I was going to continue writing in my blog and for almost 2 years neither of us did what we had planned and the drugs crept back into our lives and soon our relationship was over. We were both on an emotional roller coaster and neither of us could or would let go of the past and the drugs that were in our lives.
I tried to change someone against their will. I wanted and hoped that the love that I felt for him would be enough to get him to change. But it wasn't and he finally left and went back to Atlanta where for the first couple of months he was heavily stuck in the drugs and bounced around. His leaving was the impetus for change in my life and I walked away from the drugs altogether and I started writing again and started to re-evaluate my life.
I have noticed that since he was gone that the feelings that I have had for him weren't reciprocated. I loved him, but in actuality he didn't love me. No matter what my feelings for him were, and how hard I tried at the relationship it was doomed to fail because he wasn't totally in it.
Now, I have learned that it is so very easy to fall in love, but it is hard to stay in love. You have to work at it. You have to nurture it and make it work. You have to be willing to compromise and you have to be able to change yourself. Two people weren't necessarily meant to be together, this partnership or union is something that man created because of the need to feel complete. But if we look out in nature the wolf is the only animal that I can think of the mates for life. All other animals and creatures have multiple mates, they come together during the mating season and they have relations.
I think the concept of marriage and unions was initially something that was created by religion and has now become secular. Florida just started granting same-sex partners Holy Union certificates. Which means that these two individuals have come together to spend the rest of their life with. No matter what or who comes into their lives, they have committed to face it and fight it together. Temptation is always going to spring up, but if you are truly committed to your vow, you will be able to withstand. I know that my grandfather never cheated on my grandmother. I am sure there were some times that his eyes wandered but he remained true. In our society today it is so easy to throw your hands up and walk away. Forget that their are children and real lives involved in your decision. Not only are you hurting each other but everyone around you that knows you.
It is hard work making any relationship work, but I think it can still be done in today's world. It will take effort on both parties part. There can be no short cuts, no deceptions, you are going to have to be completely honest with yourself and your partner if it is going to work. Remember we aren't all mind readers and we will never actually know what is going on in the head of our partner. But if we share the same goals, same desires and we are helping each other to get there then let it be. Relationships work better when the two individuals come together and maintain a sense of self and a sense of commitment. It is important to remain true to yourself and have your own friends and go out and hang with them every once in a while. Yet, maintaining a mutual relationship with your partner, it is impossible to be around one another 24/7. Tempers flair, interest are harbored and resentments creep in. Maintaining a healthy sense of self and commitment can forestall and possibly prevent this from happening in your life.
None of us are perfect. Therefore if we are not perfect creatures how can our ideals and ideas be realistic and perfect? Simple answer is they can't! So if none of us are perfect, and we are trying to be together, how can that work? The answer is hard work and preserverance, you must want to be together and stay together. Don't expect love to be a miracle worker and change the person into your ideal because it isn't going to happen you will have to change your ideal and thought process.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Yet, I can tell you that no one is perfect and each of us has preconceived notions of what life and love is supposed to be. But, to be honest our ideals and opinions are skewed by our perceptions and what we have gone through before. See you cannot compare one relationship to another. That would be like comparing apples and oranges. Both are fruits but they have different tastes, textures and flavors, each relationship is different. As are the people that you are in a relationship with, no two people are the same no matter what the circumstances are.
If you know a person, and let's say you have dated them in the past and you truly know them. How can you expect them to be anything other than what they are? Truly, take me and my ex as an example we came from a world where sex and drugs were the norm. We had sex parties and had experiences with others in our relationship, yet when I got sick and couldn't party like we used to I expected him to change with me. I had hoped that the love we had for each other would be enough. But, I realized that I didn't have the strength to save him, nor was I his mother or father, I couldn't inspire change. Katy Perry said it best in her song "Circling the Drain" I wanted to be his lover not his mother, couldn't be his savior I didn't have the power. I thought I was the exception, that I could rewrite his addiction, but he would make a hundred excuses why he needed to do it. I hoped and prayed for change, it never came.
See, I was talking to my best friend this morning and I came to the realization that if you take an animal from their natural environment you cannot expect them to change. They will still have their carnal nature to contend with. It is true you can tame a lion, domesticate a cat or dog, but take something wild and bring it into your home, and see if you can change it's nature. It can be done with skill, patience, and lots of dangerous experimentation. However, I took my partner from the drug scene in Atlanta and moved us here to Daytona, I thought that by taking him out of the drug filled environment we used to live in, to a place where we knew absolutely no one that I could influence and inspire change in him. Problem was the addiction was too strong and I watched as our lives started circling the drain like Katy Perry had said.
He was going to start writing music and I was going to continue writing in my blog and for almost 2 years neither of us did what we had planned and the drugs crept back into our lives and soon our relationship was over. We were both on an emotional roller coaster and neither of us could or would let go of the past and the drugs that were in our lives.
I tried to change someone against their will. I wanted and hoped that the love that I felt for him would be enough to get him to change. But it wasn't and he finally left and went back to Atlanta where for the first couple of months he was heavily stuck in the drugs and bounced around. His leaving was the impetus for change in my life and I walked away from the drugs altogether and I started writing again and started to re-evaluate my life.
I have noticed that since he was gone that the feelings that I have had for him weren't reciprocated. I loved him, but in actuality he didn't love me. No matter what my feelings for him were, and how hard I tried at the relationship it was doomed to fail because he wasn't totally in it.
Now, I have learned that it is so very easy to fall in love, but it is hard to stay in love. You have to work at it. You have to nurture it and make it work. You have to be willing to compromise and you have to be able to change yourself. Two people weren't necessarily meant to be together, this partnership or union is something that man created because of the need to feel complete. But if we look out in nature the wolf is the only animal that I can think of the mates for life. All other animals and creatures have multiple mates, they come together during the mating season and they have relations.
I think the concept of marriage and unions was initially something that was created by religion and has now become secular. Florida just started granting same-sex partners Holy Union certificates. Which means that these two individuals have come together to spend the rest of their life with. No matter what or who comes into their lives, they have committed to face it and fight it together. Temptation is always going to spring up, but if you are truly committed to your vow, you will be able to withstand. I know that my grandfather never cheated on my grandmother. I am sure there were some times that his eyes wandered but he remained true. In our society today it is so easy to throw your hands up and walk away. Forget that their are children and real lives involved in your decision. Not only are you hurting each other but everyone around you that knows you.
It is hard work making any relationship work, but I think it can still be done in today's world. It will take effort on both parties part. There can be no short cuts, no deceptions, you are going to have to be completely honest with yourself and your partner if it is going to work. Remember we aren't all mind readers and we will never actually know what is going on in the head of our partner. But if we share the same goals, same desires and we are helping each other to get there then let it be. Relationships work better when the two individuals come together and maintain a sense of self and a sense of commitment. It is important to remain true to yourself and have your own friends and go out and hang with them every once in a while. Yet, maintaining a mutual relationship with your partner, it is impossible to be around one another 24/7. Tempers flair, interest are harbored and resentments creep in. Maintaining a healthy sense of self and commitment can forestall and possibly prevent this from happening in your life.
None of us are perfect. Therefore if we are not perfect creatures how can our ideals and ideas be realistic and perfect? Simple answer is they can't! So if none of us are perfect, and we are trying to be together, how can that work? The answer is hard work and preserverance, you must want to be together and stay together. Don't expect love to be a miracle worker and change the person into your ideal because it isn't going to happen you will have to change your ideal and thought process.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Love is?
Love is not about sparks or electricity, it is a feeling of being complete when you are with the one you care about.
Monday, December 22, 2014
Giving back or Paying it forward what does this mean?
It is easy to see around Christmas time that the spirit of giving and love is in the air. But, what is the cause? It isn't because we have any more money then usual as a matter of fact Christmas time is when most of us go into some minor or major debt buying gifts for friends, family and loved ones. Sunday my step mother and I were at Walmart, she had 4 or 5 little items, she set them down on the conveyor and was wrung up. Before she could swipe her debit card the man in front of her told her to stop, he was paying for her groceries. As I walked down the front of the store and past 2 other registers friends of this man was doing the same thing. I went outside to smoke a cigarette and was surprised at how many people came out of the store with the Spirit of Christmas that they didn't have before they went into the store. As they were all walking out they were all talking about the men paying for their stuff and saying Merry Christmas.
Now that is one way of paying it forward, and I am sure that it was contagious and the next person would pay for the person behind them because they now had extra money that they didn't think they would have. Either that or they put the money in the Salvation Army cam outside the door with Santa Claus. No matter what you do paying it forward not only benefits you it benefits another person. I know we have discussed this subject before, but something is telling me that tonight is the night it needs to be rehashed. When you give of yourself, money, time, attention and love you will receive it back ten fold. It is called the law of returns. Remember that in the ethereal plane like energy attracts like. Positive attracts positive and Negative attracts negative.
I honestly the giving back and paying it forward are similar in nature could possibly be the same thing. By going to the nursing home each week I feel a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction in seeing my friends that are patients there and others that work there. They tell me that my positive energy and bubbly personality add life and character to the home when I am there. I take the time to walk through all the wards and say hi to everyone. It is amazing that everyone in there knows my name and who I am by sight. I talk to my friends Sue and Mark on the phone, and usually tell them what day and time I would be there to visit. My visits aren't for personal gain, the reason for my visits was because I know how it felt to be in there without anyone coming to visit. Not having anyone come and break the monotony of the day. How the boredom and daily schedule make the days blur together and begin to feel like you are in jail. So I go back and visit my friends and those that have no family or visitors come to see them. I love to see their smiles when I come in and hug them.
One person that I see every week is Miss Ruby Miller, she was my neighbor when I was a patient there. She came into the ward after I had gotten there. At first her family, son, daughter-in-law, grandchildren and great grandchildren came to visit her almost every day. But as the months have moved on her visits have become less and less. As of this month I have been her only visitor, and I make sure that I stop by and visit with her. This afternoon she told the nurses at the nurses station that I am the only one that comes in and says Hi to her on the regular. I do understand that life must go on and that people have jobs, responsibilities and things to do, but it is hard on those in the nursing home because they only see the same people that work there day in and day out. They don't think about the work schedules, school schedules, after school activities, etc. And in Miss Ruby Miller's case she has Alzheimer's and doesn't always remember things like a normal person. Yet, every time I see her, she remembers my face and my name and tells me hi. I give her my hug and tell her how good she is looking, which is so true. She looks so much better than when she got there and she seems to be able to get around a whole lot better too.
But why am I talking about this subject now? What does it have to do with each and everyone of you? Why would I talk about this so close to Christmas? Well, the truth of the matter, most of the time people only get joyous and social around Christmas and that is when they think about doing for other instead of themselves and I am hoping that maybe we could change that because there are lonely people out there, there are shut-ins, there are elderly and so many others that we could and should take time to visit with, let them know that we love them and appreciate them. No one wants to wither away and die unloved and unnoticed. Please I am begging you to Pay it forward or Give back some of your time throughout this year. See what joy it brings to the faces of those you visit and the joy it brings to your heart and soul. Every day of every year should be like Christmas Time where we feel full of love, joy, laughter and hope, where we think of others before ourselves and take the time to enjoy our friends and family and loved ones. It doesn't have to be one time a year. It can be all year long. Just try it and see!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Now that is one way of paying it forward, and I am sure that it was contagious and the next person would pay for the person behind them because they now had extra money that they didn't think they would have. Either that or they put the money in the Salvation Army cam outside the door with Santa Claus. No matter what you do paying it forward not only benefits you it benefits another person. I know we have discussed this subject before, but something is telling me that tonight is the night it needs to be rehashed. When you give of yourself, money, time, attention and love you will receive it back ten fold. It is called the law of returns. Remember that in the ethereal plane like energy attracts like. Positive attracts positive and Negative attracts negative.
I honestly the giving back and paying it forward are similar in nature could possibly be the same thing. By going to the nursing home each week I feel a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction in seeing my friends that are patients there and others that work there. They tell me that my positive energy and bubbly personality add life and character to the home when I am there. I take the time to walk through all the wards and say hi to everyone. It is amazing that everyone in there knows my name and who I am by sight. I talk to my friends Sue and Mark on the phone, and usually tell them what day and time I would be there to visit. My visits aren't for personal gain, the reason for my visits was because I know how it felt to be in there without anyone coming to visit. Not having anyone come and break the monotony of the day. How the boredom and daily schedule make the days blur together and begin to feel like you are in jail. So I go back and visit my friends and those that have no family or visitors come to see them. I love to see their smiles when I come in and hug them.
One person that I see every week is Miss Ruby Miller, she was my neighbor when I was a patient there. She came into the ward after I had gotten there. At first her family, son, daughter-in-law, grandchildren and great grandchildren came to visit her almost every day. But as the months have moved on her visits have become less and less. As of this month I have been her only visitor, and I make sure that I stop by and visit with her. This afternoon she told the nurses at the nurses station that I am the only one that comes in and says Hi to her on the regular. I do understand that life must go on and that people have jobs, responsibilities and things to do, but it is hard on those in the nursing home because they only see the same people that work there day in and day out. They don't think about the work schedules, school schedules, after school activities, etc. And in Miss Ruby Miller's case she has Alzheimer's and doesn't always remember things like a normal person. Yet, every time I see her, she remembers my face and my name and tells me hi. I give her my hug and tell her how good she is looking, which is so true. She looks so much better than when she got there and she seems to be able to get around a whole lot better too.
But why am I talking about this subject now? What does it have to do with each and everyone of you? Why would I talk about this so close to Christmas? Well, the truth of the matter, most of the time people only get joyous and social around Christmas and that is when they think about doing for other instead of themselves and I am hoping that maybe we could change that because there are lonely people out there, there are shut-ins, there are elderly and so many others that we could and should take time to visit with, let them know that we love them and appreciate them. No one wants to wither away and die unloved and unnoticed. Please I am begging you to Pay it forward or Give back some of your time throughout this year. See what joy it brings to the faces of those you visit and the joy it brings to your heart and soul. Every day of every year should be like Christmas Time where we feel full of love, joy, laughter and hope, where we think of others before ourselves and take the time to enjoy our friends and family and loved ones. It doesn't have to be one time a year. It can be all year long. Just try it and see!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Sunday, December 21, 2014
What is the Christmas Spirit all about?
After watching the Librarians tonight on TNT I began to really understand the power and spirit of Christmas. Saint Nick's power comes from all around the world. He collects that magical moments and love that are displayed throughout the whole year and at Christmas time when the spirit is the lowest and despair creeps in Saint Nick travels the world and delivers love, hope, faith and anything else that is needed.
Sometimes, it might be a Christmas wish, other times it might be the courage to put down that point and walk away from meth. It maybe the need strength that the Alcoholic needs to put down the bottle or that person thinking about suicide to walk away and live. All these things are what Christmas Spirit is all about.
People don't understand me. They don't get me, and most of the time the miss the big picture. Everywhere I go I spread love joy and hope. I go back to the nursing home and I give back to those that took the time and encouraged me to go further than I thought I ever could. I was pushed, I was made to think and achieve things that I thought impossible. I never once believed them when I was told that I would never walk again and with the help of my physical therapist Grace and her assistant Dewayne, I am out of the wheel chair within 3 weeks and I have never gone back.
No matter where I go I always reach out my hand and help those around me that I can. It doesn't matter what life they lead, what they have done in the past and where they are headed. I have been as my grandmother called it an Angel on Earth. I bring comfort, peace and compassion with me where ever I go. My time on earth is running very low and I know that a great burden is going to be past on. I know that my nephew Kodi is ready for this, even though he doesn't think he is and by his will and strength alone I believe he has kept me here on this earth. Before he moved he told me and begged me to not let the burden pass to him until he was ready. I have seen his journey and I am so very proud of him.
He definitely turned into the man that I dreamed he would be. He has been faithful and loving and though all relationships have problems him and his girlfriend Annie has managed to keep it going and now their lives are going to be filled with a new life. My line has not ended and the power that God has granted me will be passed on to my nephew. His mother was my half sister, but when he came to me at the age of 13 I never thought of him as anything less than my own son. He has been trained and he knows how I have operated my entire life. He will find his own way to use the power that is going to be passed on to him. He is a special person and anyone who has met him will know what I mean.
So what does all of this have to do with the Spirit of Christmas? Am I am claiming that I am Saint Nick? No I am not him, I wish I had his job it is much easier than the path that I was given. Kodi will have it so much easier because he will have families and children to help that is the path that I see for him. God selected me to live and walk with the prostitutes and drug dealers. I have saved many, lost a few and even one in the last week. I am saddened by the loss. Kodi would know him as Rob the boot camp trainer that he met so long ago, and the guy that took him to school when we lived over on Buford Highway.
So why am I talking about this? What does it have to do with Christmas spirit. Well let me tell you. Every person I help, every life I encounter and interact with is enriched, changed and never is the same again. I have to say that even though I spent a long time in the nursing home they were all sad to see me leave, and are so excited when I come back and visit. You see I come and see those that have no family, have no visitors, who are shut-ins and left behind. I bring them the love that is in my heart and I spend time with each of them. There is not a one of the people in that home that I haven't met, who doesn't know who I am and whose life I have not touched in some way.
As God would have it I had a voice in my head telling me to go to the nursing home a couple of Sunday's ago, I wasn't feeling well, but I listened to that voice and I was able to see Jeanine Jacobs, I was granted the ability to tell her that I loved her and spend some time with her. See she died that following Wednesday, and the sad part was she thought she was getting better and was going home on Friday and she passed away on Wednesday. I miss her a lot and I give thanks to God that I was able to tell her that I loved her and was glad to see her before she parted this world.
Christmas Spirit is the spirit of love, it gifts those with special gifts the ability to help, guide and even manipulate and change the fate of those around them. We never interfere unless asked, and we never do anything against another persons will or wishes. Some of us are gifted with the ability to change life's just by being in them. Kodi and I come from a long line of Guardians and we have the ability to do all of the things that I have mentioned above. Just by being in someone's life we can change if for the better. Though often times we are selves are struggling and having hardships the ones we care about around us are doing better. I have been rich, I have been poor, I have been happy and I have had my share of hardships. But, I am very rarely a negative person and I am the type of person that other positive people gravitate towards. The love and family spirit, the gift giving and the magic of Christmas is increased at the end of the year because it is the one point in the year when the magic of earth is at the lowest.
Which is why we make resolutions on New Year's because the residual magic of Christmas is still lingering and can make those resolutions come true, the secret to that is being 100 percent open and honest with yourself. You will see that this time of year is the time when Families get together all around the world and the love that is shared is poured into the earth and allows people like me to do my job the rest of the year long.
Upon my death my gifts', abilities and premonitions will be passed on to the heir and since the only child I have ever had was my sisters the gifts shall fall too him. He is more ready then he knows and I have faith that he will be a better and stronger Guardian than I ever was. He will be remembered and just as I will live on in him, he will live on in the lives of those he touches. None of us ever truly leave the earth, we are kept alive in the memories of those whose live we have touched, interacted with and have changed.
My grandfather told me that a man doesn't leave his mark upon the world by how much he accumulates, how much money, property and wealth he has, but by how many lives he has touched and how many people will remember him when he is gone. I believe that this to be true and solid and I hope that I will be remembered always.
Before I close this post I thought I would sneak in what the definition of what a Guardian is. Much like the Masons, Elks, and other societies you have to be indoctrinated into it. You become part of it by being invited in by the head priestess or you are born into the order because of the lineage of your family. Kodi, Kevin, Eric and Myself are the last of the Guardian line in my immediate family, and though I lost touch with my cousin Eric over the years I know he has 12 kids and at least 2 of them will have the power and gift that my grandmother passed on to him and me both. My brother Kevin is focused in his world and already doing his part. He cannot inherit my gifts it doesn't work that way when he already has his own. My gifts will add to the natural gifts of Kodi and he will be more than he is. It will be confusing at times and hard to understand, but like me he will figure out the best use for his gifts and will be able to make changes in the world. A Guardian is neither Good nor Evil. We are balancers of the between the two. A Guardian never lets good get the upper hand on Evil and vice versus. We are punished for certain reasons, which I will not put in here, but Kodi knows.
So there you have it.
What is the Christmas Spirit all about? Bringing families together in love and joy, to spread the bond of love and magic and make it last the entire year. Guardians help move the power of this love magic along and influence when and where we can.
As always you hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Sometimes, it might be a Christmas wish, other times it might be the courage to put down that point and walk away from meth. It maybe the need strength that the Alcoholic needs to put down the bottle or that person thinking about suicide to walk away and live. All these things are what Christmas Spirit is all about.
People don't understand me. They don't get me, and most of the time the miss the big picture. Everywhere I go I spread love joy and hope. I go back to the nursing home and I give back to those that took the time and encouraged me to go further than I thought I ever could. I was pushed, I was made to think and achieve things that I thought impossible. I never once believed them when I was told that I would never walk again and with the help of my physical therapist Grace and her assistant Dewayne, I am out of the wheel chair within 3 weeks and I have never gone back.
No matter where I go I always reach out my hand and help those around me that I can. It doesn't matter what life they lead, what they have done in the past and where they are headed. I have been as my grandmother called it an Angel on Earth. I bring comfort, peace and compassion with me where ever I go. My time on earth is running very low and I know that a great burden is going to be past on. I know that my nephew Kodi is ready for this, even though he doesn't think he is and by his will and strength alone I believe he has kept me here on this earth. Before he moved he told me and begged me to not let the burden pass to him until he was ready. I have seen his journey and I am so very proud of him.
He definitely turned into the man that I dreamed he would be. He has been faithful and loving and though all relationships have problems him and his girlfriend Annie has managed to keep it going and now their lives are going to be filled with a new life. My line has not ended and the power that God has granted me will be passed on to my nephew. His mother was my half sister, but when he came to me at the age of 13 I never thought of him as anything less than my own son. He has been trained and he knows how I have operated my entire life. He will find his own way to use the power that is going to be passed on to him. He is a special person and anyone who has met him will know what I mean.
So what does all of this have to do with the Spirit of Christmas? Am I am claiming that I am Saint Nick? No I am not him, I wish I had his job it is much easier than the path that I was given. Kodi will have it so much easier because he will have families and children to help that is the path that I see for him. God selected me to live and walk with the prostitutes and drug dealers. I have saved many, lost a few and even one in the last week. I am saddened by the loss. Kodi would know him as Rob the boot camp trainer that he met so long ago, and the guy that took him to school when we lived over on Buford Highway.
So why am I talking about this? What does it have to do with Christmas spirit. Well let me tell you. Every person I help, every life I encounter and interact with is enriched, changed and never is the same again. I have to say that even though I spent a long time in the nursing home they were all sad to see me leave, and are so excited when I come back and visit. You see I come and see those that have no family, have no visitors, who are shut-ins and left behind. I bring them the love that is in my heart and I spend time with each of them. There is not a one of the people in that home that I haven't met, who doesn't know who I am and whose life I have not touched in some way.
As God would have it I had a voice in my head telling me to go to the nursing home a couple of Sunday's ago, I wasn't feeling well, but I listened to that voice and I was able to see Jeanine Jacobs, I was granted the ability to tell her that I loved her and spend some time with her. See she died that following Wednesday, and the sad part was she thought she was getting better and was going home on Friday and she passed away on Wednesday. I miss her a lot and I give thanks to God that I was able to tell her that I loved her and was glad to see her before she parted this world.
Christmas Spirit is the spirit of love, it gifts those with special gifts the ability to help, guide and even manipulate and change the fate of those around them. We never interfere unless asked, and we never do anything against another persons will or wishes. Some of us are gifted with the ability to change life's just by being in them. Kodi and I come from a long line of Guardians and we have the ability to do all of the things that I have mentioned above. Just by being in someone's life we can change if for the better. Though often times we are selves are struggling and having hardships the ones we care about around us are doing better. I have been rich, I have been poor, I have been happy and I have had my share of hardships. But, I am very rarely a negative person and I am the type of person that other positive people gravitate towards. The love and family spirit, the gift giving and the magic of Christmas is increased at the end of the year because it is the one point in the year when the magic of earth is at the lowest.
Which is why we make resolutions on New Year's because the residual magic of Christmas is still lingering and can make those resolutions come true, the secret to that is being 100 percent open and honest with yourself. You will see that this time of year is the time when Families get together all around the world and the love that is shared is poured into the earth and allows people like me to do my job the rest of the year long.
Upon my death my gifts', abilities and premonitions will be passed on to the heir and since the only child I have ever had was my sisters the gifts shall fall too him. He is more ready then he knows and I have faith that he will be a better and stronger Guardian than I ever was. He will be remembered and just as I will live on in him, he will live on in the lives of those he touches. None of us ever truly leave the earth, we are kept alive in the memories of those whose live we have touched, interacted with and have changed.
My grandfather told me that a man doesn't leave his mark upon the world by how much he accumulates, how much money, property and wealth he has, but by how many lives he has touched and how many people will remember him when he is gone. I believe that this to be true and solid and I hope that I will be remembered always.
Before I close this post I thought I would sneak in what the definition of what a Guardian is. Much like the Masons, Elks, and other societies you have to be indoctrinated into it. You become part of it by being invited in by the head priestess or you are born into the order because of the lineage of your family. Kodi, Kevin, Eric and Myself are the last of the Guardian line in my immediate family, and though I lost touch with my cousin Eric over the years I know he has 12 kids and at least 2 of them will have the power and gift that my grandmother passed on to him and me both. My brother Kevin is focused in his world and already doing his part. He cannot inherit my gifts it doesn't work that way when he already has his own. My gifts will add to the natural gifts of Kodi and he will be more than he is. It will be confusing at times and hard to understand, but like me he will figure out the best use for his gifts and will be able to make changes in the world. A Guardian is neither Good nor Evil. We are balancers of the between the two. A Guardian never lets good get the upper hand on Evil and vice versus. We are punished for certain reasons, which I will not put in here, but Kodi knows.
So there you have it.
What is the Christmas Spirit all about? Bringing families together in love and joy, to spread the bond of love and magic and make it last the entire year. Guardians help move the power of this love magic along and influence when and where we can.
As always you hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Life Rarely turns out as planned
Being a Sagittarius I should know all about the dangers of planning because no matter how much work or preparation I put into things they never ever go as planned. I can use this move as a prime example of what I am talking about and then take you even further into the discussion. I paid the deposit on my place and was told I could move in right away. The place came furnished to a degree, but I had my own stuff in my parents garage, and wanted my own stuff in the apartment.
The original plan was to head home to Pennsylvania to my mothers place. I think that is where I am eventually going to end up. But right now there is so much going on with my health that I didn't want to risk leaving my doctor's and the treatments that have already started. So I am here for at least another 6 months or so. Depending on my health and how I am handling the treatments. So for now I am still sitting firm in Daytona. Because of the original plan my ex and good friend Sterling Williams was going to come down from Atlanta and help me move either to my mother's or into the new place.
Once it was decided that I was going to stay here and finish out my probation and fight the courts on this last charge. I started looking for a place to live, knowing that I only had till the beginning of the New Year to find a place and get settled. Once I found the place and started posting pictures of it on Facebook, Sterling and others contacted me and told me that they would help me move. Now, in my heart I knew that this was going to easily, that it was not going to turn out the way it was planned. My feelings of this nature are rarely wrong and this was no exception. Sterling was unable to make it due to transportation difficulties, I go sick and so did my friend Johnathan. Nothing that has ever come to me so easy ever flowed according to the plan.
Life has a very funny way of dealing out the hands that we get. I know some people who are the perfect picture of health, never getting sick, then there are folks who like me seem to find themselves subject to various illness and hassles. I am not sure how up to date I have been keeping you, I know that it has been quite awhile since I had a chance to sit down and write. But, another example of planning going totally wrong is the life that I originally tried to build here in Daytona. It sure started out good and the first 9 months I accomplished a lot of things and even became rather successful. It was when I went to California that was the unexpected wrinkle in the plan. My friend Mike Reed had unexpectedly passed away at the age of 50 and left his wife, Judy and her daughter Amanda out there in Los Angeles. One day I would like to go back out there and make amends for the mistakes that I made when I was out there. But, that is going to have to wait to see how my health holds up.
Before I went to California I was talking to my ex Bobby O'hara and for months I thought he was going to move down here and we were going to try and get our lives clean and see how we did as a couple being sober. But every time it seemed like he was going to finally come down something would always end up happening and he never came down. At the same time I was talking to my ex Kerry Rutherford, and I wasn't sure which way my heart was pulling me but I struck out and took a chance. I went to California to help my friend Judy and to bring Kerry back from the west coast to the east coast. I know now because hindsight is 20/20 that I should have left things alone. The fact of the matter was that I was clean of Meth from March of 2012 till December of 2012 when I met up with Kerry. He wasn't even off the plane for an hour before he wanted to go out and get high. I should have known then that the plans that Kerry and I had made over the phone and internet for months wasn't going to work out. But, I put a lot of effort and energy into the relationship, came very close to loosing my life and did manage to lose almost everything I owned. I realize now and it is way too late that my heart had led me down the wrong path and I should have waited for the person that I really cared about and who cared about me.
Kerry and I had plans lots and lots of plans but none of them ever seemed to take off. I was going to write and start my video blog and he was going to help me. He was going to start writing music and try and kick his career back off. Here we are 2 years later and neither of those things ever came about. Kerry is back in Atlanta and as far as I can tell he is doing well for himself and I am hoping that he will be able to beat the addiction that him and I faced together. Luckily, my poor health has taken the ability to party away and not only that I am also on probation for the first time in my life. Bobby was so concerned about my health and came down to help me move but at the time that he came I had no place for him or I too stay. He also seemed to think that I was constantly high. What he didn't know or understand is that I was in such pain from osteomilitis and it was causing my mood to swing in the extremes. I didn't know what was happening to me at the time, I just knew that my back was hurting more and more every day and that it wasn't getting any better. So, without understanding and not being in a position to really help Bobby he moved on to Jacksonville where he is doing fantastic for himself. I have to say that I am so proud and happy for him. He is working and has a place to live and is doing really well for himself. I understand that he recently got back with his ex and I wish him all the luck and good will in the world.
Each and everyone of us takes a stance in life and we look back at the journey we have taken. I can almost certainly promise that as we look back on our life that we are never satisfied or happy with the way that things turned out. Each of us had a different idea and plan as to how our lives were going to. Funny that they road we took didn't lead us to the destination we had planned for ourselves but took us exactly where we needed to be. I never thought looking back over 46 years that I would be alone and starting out all over again. I had the career, the dream job, the houses, the cars, everything that I had ever wanted. But in 2005 thing were going to change my life forever. I lost my career do to having radiation disease that was stronger than the cancer that I had faced and survived. This was the changing point in my life, the point where health would take the center stage and dictate every move and situation that I would find myself in. Even now, I am trapped in a situation where I am being forced by health stay here in Daytona. As of last Friday I was told that my health situation was going in the wrong direction. My kidneys, liver, spleen, bladder, small intestine and part of my stomach have all started to fail. If the labs that I am taking and doing in the morning do not show a vast improvement in kidney and liver functions. It will be time for dialysis, and the outlook for me surviving that is slim to none, I was also told by the neurosurgeon that it is totally impossible to operate on my back and that I was going to have to live with the pain. I couldn't have possibly planned a life like this if I had wanted to. I am not sure that I am ready to put my faith in the hands of the Doctors. I rather take my chances with God. See, eight months is not long enough for me to accomplish what I need to do.
I believe that I was given glimpses of my life so that I can correct the wrongs that I had done to other and heal the breaches and rifts that I had created.
See nothing really goes as we plan and life surely never turns out as planned as you can see!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
The original plan was to head home to Pennsylvania to my mothers place. I think that is where I am eventually going to end up. But right now there is so much going on with my health that I didn't want to risk leaving my doctor's and the treatments that have already started. So I am here for at least another 6 months or so. Depending on my health and how I am handling the treatments. So for now I am still sitting firm in Daytona. Because of the original plan my ex and good friend Sterling Williams was going to come down from Atlanta and help me move either to my mother's or into the new place.
Once it was decided that I was going to stay here and finish out my probation and fight the courts on this last charge. I started looking for a place to live, knowing that I only had till the beginning of the New Year to find a place and get settled. Once I found the place and started posting pictures of it on Facebook, Sterling and others contacted me and told me that they would help me move. Now, in my heart I knew that this was going to easily, that it was not going to turn out the way it was planned. My feelings of this nature are rarely wrong and this was no exception. Sterling was unable to make it due to transportation difficulties, I go sick and so did my friend Johnathan. Nothing that has ever come to me so easy ever flowed according to the plan.
Life has a very funny way of dealing out the hands that we get. I know some people who are the perfect picture of health, never getting sick, then there are folks who like me seem to find themselves subject to various illness and hassles. I am not sure how up to date I have been keeping you, I know that it has been quite awhile since I had a chance to sit down and write. But, another example of planning going totally wrong is the life that I originally tried to build here in Daytona. It sure started out good and the first 9 months I accomplished a lot of things and even became rather successful. It was when I went to California that was the unexpected wrinkle in the plan. My friend Mike Reed had unexpectedly passed away at the age of 50 and left his wife, Judy and her daughter Amanda out there in Los Angeles. One day I would like to go back out there and make amends for the mistakes that I made when I was out there. But, that is going to have to wait to see how my health holds up.
Before I went to California I was talking to my ex Bobby O'hara and for months I thought he was going to move down here and we were going to try and get our lives clean and see how we did as a couple being sober. But every time it seemed like he was going to finally come down something would always end up happening and he never came down. At the same time I was talking to my ex Kerry Rutherford, and I wasn't sure which way my heart was pulling me but I struck out and took a chance. I went to California to help my friend Judy and to bring Kerry back from the west coast to the east coast. I know now because hindsight is 20/20 that I should have left things alone. The fact of the matter was that I was clean of Meth from March of 2012 till December of 2012 when I met up with Kerry. He wasn't even off the plane for an hour before he wanted to go out and get high. I should have known then that the plans that Kerry and I had made over the phone and internet for months wasn't going to work out. But, I put a lot of effort and energy into the relationship, came very close to loosing my life and did manage to lose almost everything I owned. I realize now and it is way too late that my heart had led me down the wrong path and I should have waited for the person that I really cared about and who cared about me.
Kerry and I had plans lots and lots of plans but none of them ever seemed to take off. I was going to write and start my video blog and he was going to help me. He was going to start writing music and try and kick his career back off. Here we are 2 years later and neither of those things ever came about. Kerry is back in Atlanta and as far as I can tell he is doing well for himself and I am hoping that he will be able to beat the addiction that him and I faced together. Luckily, my poor health has taken the ability to party away and not only that I am also on probation for the first time in my life. Bobby was so concerned about my health and came down to help me move but at the time that he came I had no place for him or I too stay. He also seemed to think that I was constantly high. What he didn't know or understand is that I was in such pain from osteomilitis and it was causing my mood to swing in the extremes. I didn't know what was happening to me at the time, I just knew that my back was hurting more and more every day and that it wasn't getting any better. So, without understanding and not being in a position to really help Bobby he moved on to Jacksonville where he is doing fantastic for himself. I have to say that I am so proud and happy for him. He is working and has a place to live and is doing really well for himself. I understand that he recently got back with his ex and I wish him all the luck and good will in the world.
Each and everyone of us takes a stance in life and we look back at the journey we have taken. I can almost certainly promise that as we look back on our life that we are never satisfied or happy with the way that things turned out. Each of us had a different idea and plan as to how our lives were going to. Funny that they road we took didn't lead us to the destination we had planned for ourselves but took us exactly where we needed to be. I never thought looking back over 46 years that I would be alone and starting out all over again. I had the career, the dream job, the houses, the cars, everything that I had ever wanted. But in 2005 thing were going to change my life forever. I lost my career do to having radiation disease that was stronger than the cancer that I had faced and survived. This was the changing point in my life, the point where health would take the center stage and dictate every move and situation that I would find myself in. Even now, I am trapped in a situation where I am being forced by health stay here in Daytona. As of last Friday I was told that my health situation was going in the wrong direction. My kidneys, liver, spleen, bladder, small intestine and part of my stomach have all started to fail. If the labs that I am taking and doing in the morning do not show a vast improvement in kidney and liver functions. It will be time for dialysis, and the outlook for me surviving that is slim to none, I was also told by the neurosurgeon that it is totally impossible to operate on my back and that I was going to have to live with the pain. I couldn't have possibly planned a life like this if I had wanted to. I am not sure that I am ready to put my faith in the hands of the Doctors. I rather take my chances with God. See, eight months is not long enough for me to accomplish what I need to do.
I believe that I was given glimpses of my life so that I can correct the wrongs that I had done to other and heal the breaches and rifts that I had created.
See nothing really goes as we plan and life surely never turns out as planned as you can see!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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