I was on Google + a little while ago, and a blog popped up that peaked my interest because I had selected the topic of Courage and Fear. So I read Jodi Arman's Blog entry "The Evolutionary Roots of Fear". Her blog supports what I have always thought about the irrationality of fear and the development of the fight or flight mechanism in the human brain. As mammals, we have an instinctual propensity when we sense danger to tense up, fear creeps in and we either flee or fight depending on how we gauge our opponent.
Her blog goes on to state based on Sharon Begley's Newsweek article entitled "Roots of Fear" that our brain is hard-wired to override the logic cortex when we are afraid. Basically what Sharon states is that the fear circuitry has more pathways to the aymgdala versus the logical thought cortex and allows the fear to over-ride thought. In a sense this is true in non-sentient creatures but we can think and override those fears, or we can brave through. I believe that this is a simplistic view not taking into consideration the complexities of the entire nervous system. As I have pointed out in a previous blog entry, fear triggers a response in the autonomic and sympathetic nervous systems and which activates our fight or flight mechanism. Adrenalin floods our system muscles tense and our mind enters a hyper-arousal, where time seems to slow, pupils dilate, and the mind notices the minute movement of our opponent. More about this can be found under the topic of Fight-or-flight response on wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fight-or-flight_response.
I honestly believe that Sharon Begley has a point in her Newsweek article that there is an ingrained and instinctual drive that has been bred into us from our earliest days. That man has a hard-wired brain that reacts when it senses fear or danger. However, I think that this hard-wired response is also responsible for the body's neurological and physiological reactions as well. The Nervous System plays a major part in the way we handle the situation we are in. I also think that because we have the ability to think we can override these fears just like Jodi Arman's blog states.
But, I would like to carry this conversation a bit further than the brain, and nervous systems response, because I think as thought enters the picture we have the ability to overcome those fears. Which is what I call courage. Courage doesn't mean that we don't have fears or get afraid, it means that we have the ability to defeat fear. We can defeat fear as Jodi suggest by thinking it through, or by acting through it. You can find out more by reading her blog at http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/anxiety-schmanxiety/2012/08/evolutionary-roots-of-fear/ .
Fear is a very powerful motivator, and it can grip us and paralyze us, but we do have the ability to out think it, we have the ability to confront it and work past it, and eventually defeat it. There are tons of stories how a fireman rushes into a burning building and rescues someone, that firefighter had to confront his fears in an instant and react to the situation with lightening speed to make that rescue. I honestly don't think that fear overrides the mind and locks us into inaction, on the contrary it is fear that causes us to look at the situation in a hyper accelerated manner and react and accomplish amazing things.
I do believe that primitive man may have been hard wired to the point where their sense of logic and reasoning was overwhelmed, but in our time I think that evolution has honed our senses and our reflexes to the point where our brain immediately assess the threat and reacts almost in an instant. You can also find out more about the sympathetic nervous system at
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sympathetic_nervous_system . I encourage you to do some research yourself on this.
I believe that body is a marvelous machine that is powered by the most sophisticated computers the world has ever seen, the human brain. I believe that the brain is more powerful than we give it credit for, and though the primitive responses that Sharon describes most certainly do happen, a whole array of reactions takes place at the same time. Remember that as the brain recognizes a threat or danger, adrenalin is released into the blood stream the somatic nervous system http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somatic_nervous_system contracts the muscles causing them to tense, ready to spring into either flight or fight, they sympathetic nervous system goes into overdrive and allows the brain to enter a state of hyper awareness and from there we react.
I hope you understand from this that I believe that it is possible for us as humans to overcome our fears, whether they are rational or irrational by confronting them and working through them. Further, I believe that it is courage that gives us the ability to accomplish this. This doesn't mean that we don't get afraid or suffer from fear, but that we can overcome it and be victorious against it. I don't believe that our logic centers are totally overridden and we are locked into a state of panic and cannot think our way through the situation.
As I have said, please take the time to do some research on this on your own and draw your own conclusion.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Money and Happiness don't necessarily equate.
You know the happiest times in my life were the times I spent with my dad's mom, she didn't have two dimes to rub together her entire life, but there was love, warmth, acceptance and happiness to be found under her roof. My dad's father died when he was just 8 years old, and he being the middle child of a large family, he felt the death probably more seriously than all of his other siblings. Because the 4 older ones were already on their own, and the 4 younger ones didn't understand what was happening. But, my grandmother, did her best with what she had, and always smiled even when times had to be extremely tough for her. Undoubtedly she was the glue that held our family together, she made sure that she spent time with all the grandchildren and great grandchildren while she was alive. I remember that the family always spent time at her house. Her youngest son and his 3 children lived with her, as well as my cousin Eric, whose mother, committed suicide when he was just 18 months old.
I was seven when we moved away, and even though we moved from Pennsylvania to Texas, my parents did go home to visit often. When I was in the sixth grade, my parents went on a year long vacation and my younger brother and I were sent to live with my mother's mom who lived fairly close by my other grandmother, and I would spend every weekend that I could with my dad's mom. She was born in 1895 and had lot's of stories to tell about how things had changed during her life. My dad's mother was the first to realize I was different and told me long ago that I was special and that I had a gift of joy and love to share with the world, that I should not let my parents or anyone deter me from sharing my gifts.
I joined the Navy right out of high school, and after boot camp and A school, I was transferred to the U.S.S. Wisconsin (BB-64) the last of the Great Battleships. We spent a great deal of time in the shipyards getting her ready for recommissioning. Some of the time we were in Pascagoula, MS and the other part of the time we were in the Naval Shipyard in Philadelphia. It was then that I spent every weekend visiting my grandparents, splitting the time between both of them, and my mother's sister at the same time. It was during these visits that I began to notice how different one side of my family was compared to the other side. See, my parents fought all the time, were physically and mentally abusive compared to what parents are today. My parents had moved away to follow their dreams, and in a sense made it. Back then my father was making good money about 50 to 60k a year, and my mother's family had always had money.
Now, to understand the contrast between the two sides of my family you have to understand that there was love, a sense of family and togetherness on my father's side that wasn't found on my mother's side. My dad's mom pulled the family together, kept them together, and spent time with her children and grandchildren. Even though she lived and supported a bigger family of 6 or more on her widows pension, she was always surrounded by family and love. My mom's side of the family there were never any real close ties or bonds, my mother and her sister were close, but there was 17 years difference between my mother and her brother, where there were only 2 years difference between her and her sister. My mom's parents bickered and often fought, yet there was a gulf separating them. It didn't matter how successful my parents were or my aunt was there just didn't seem to be the same kind of love and warmth that was shown on my dad's side of the family.
Now, I do believe that my mom's parents love each other and their family, it was just shown differently, my mother came from a much different place than my father did. There wasn't any want or real need on my mother's side of the family, my mom's mother never had to work, and had every comfort of life. She did struggle with being a mother and a grandmother, and I believe that it came from being married at such a young age. My grandfather served in the Navy during World War II and built upon his career when he got out. Made lots of money and kept the family well insulated from the world around him. He was a remarkable man, full of energy and continued to work until his death at 80 years of age. He never slowed down, and was frugal with his money. When he passed away he left a great deal behind. Which caused a lot of strife between my mother and her brother who were the only ones left in my mother's family. My grandmother had passed away in the late 80's and my aunt had died in a car accident 2 years before my grandmother.
Of course there is more to the story which helped me to come to a better understanding of life and the correlation between happiness and money. To look into this a bit further, I would like to talk to you about my own family life, and how it comparatively contrasted my aunt's life. See my mother and father, had made their money by working hard, my mother going to medical school and studying to be a nurse and then other things, my father worked his way up in the electronics field. There marriage was never happy, there were constant fights and struggles, and they ended up marrying and divorcing each other 3 separate times. Neither one could see that this was unhealthy for them, and damaging to both of them. My aunt's life on the other hand, she had worked herself to a position high up in the insurance industry, she actually put her career before anything else, and got married later in life. She was an executive Vice President of a large insurance firm when she met her husband who was in the toy industry. Both of them had money when they met and married, yet over time their relationship was fraught with problems just like my parents. Now keep in mind that I had spent a great deal of time with my family the 2 years I was stationed in Philadelphia, and I got to know my aunt and uncle very well, as well as spent time with both grandmothers and my grandfather. My aunt and uncle's way of dealing with issues was to pour money into the problem to try and make it go away. Maybe they did this hoping that by some chance the issue would just take care of itself while they focused on other things. Unfortunately, that never happened, I know that my aunt had hoped that she would be able to reconcile the differences between herself and her husband, but never got the chance because she was killed by a drunk driver. My mother's parents never seemed to talk about anything, when my grandmother complained, my grandfather, went to work and brought in more money and also through money at the situation.
In the end all I can say is this, my parents couldn't make it work, by throwing dollars over fist at the issues that faced them, my aunt and uncle nor my grandmother or father ever did it that way either. My parents today are not together, and have moved on with their lives apart. An appropriate solution and they both seem so much happier. Everybody else is dead and gone now on my mother's side, except for her and her brother, and they don't talk at all because of the money that was left by my grandfather. This caused a rift between the two of them that even 15 years later has never been repaired. My grandfather had decided in his will that my uncle had inherited all he was going to get while my grandfather was alive and left everything to my mother, which my uncle thought was unfair. I won't go into the details, but it was an ugly battle and my mother came out the winner in the end.
But the point I am trying to make by telling you all of this, is that money doesn't always make a family or even a person happier, it does make it easier to life and life comfortably, but it doesn't essentially mean that they have a perfect life, that there aren't problems, and certainly doesn't mean they are happy. Yet, in contrast there seems to be a bond on my father's side of the family where struggling and need brought the family closer, there was happiness and laughter, acceptance and companionship to be found. As I told you my dad's mother struggled to take care for her family on a widow's pension, that was meager by any sense of the word. Constantly fraught with bills, and housing situations, they somehow made it through, and through it all there was love and a unity that cannot be explained. I envy that side of the family really because no matter what the situation they faced it together, and overcame the obstacles and kept holding on together.
My dad's mother never swore, and as far back as I can remember looked old, but she had a fierceness about her and a driving force that made her the perfect matriarch. She protected us all and stood up to anyone that she thought was a threat to her or the family. One of the kids down the street that was friends with my cousin Eric, got in some sort of trouble and my grandmother chased him away, for whatever reason, and his father came down and threatened her. I was there! He had an axe handle in his hands and kept telling her that if she ever chased his son away with a broom again he would be back. Her words to him were firm and she held out her bony arm and said here, you think your man enough, break it! You know what, he looked at her with amazement in his eyes, and turned speechless and left. That is how strong she was, undeterred and not afraid of anything.
When I would come over as a child she would stand up for me. She knew how my parents were and she would hug me and kiss me and tell me that everything would be alright, and I knew without a doubt that she loved me and if by chance I got into some kind of trouble and my Uncle Jim was angry, Jim her youngest that lived with her till she died, she would tell him I got enough abuse and beatings at home and would keep him from punishing me. I think about her often, and I wonder how she did it. How she kept the family together, showed love to everyone, never let anyone know the financial stress and pressure she had to have felt. How every year she always sent $5.00 for every birthday, knowing that she couldn't spare it. How much love must she have had to weather all those storms of life, being on her own for so long and raising her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. In my own life I have never seen so much love and dedication. No matter how much money I have made in my life have I ever been able to experience that sort of happiness and love again.
Up until late 2008 I was making well over 100k a year, had 2 homes, at least 2 cars, 2 dogs, a cat and a solid relationship. But like my parents before me, my relationship was full of fights and arguments, most stemming from bills and money. It couldn't last, there wasn't the kind of peace and love in it like there was in my grandmother's world. So, as I look back and ponder the question does money equal happiness? I would have to answer that it does not. That the issues remain the same whether you have money or not, that the secret to all of this is contentment, happiness and joy. I now understand that if you aren't content with what you have at every moment of your life and give joy and thanks for what you have. There is no possible way that you can ever be happy. It takes an deep understanding to see the achievements you have made and to be thankful for them. To appreciate the people that are with you and help you to achieve them. I want you to be blessed. I want you to be able to feel the love and joy in every moment of your life. I want you to cherish the things that you have and be thankful for what you have achieved. Above all else I want you to love yourself and your family. Money does make the world go round, but it doesn't buy you happiness or peace of mind. Only you can do that and it comes from within yourself. It is not something you can chase down, achieve, or even buy. So take a moment and be thankful for what you have and who you are with. Love and cherish them, hug them and tell them daily how much you care for them. Life is short and before you know it, it might be too late and they are gone before you have a chance to tell them how much you love them.
I miss all my grandparents, I understand them better now, and didn't when I was younger. If I knew what I know now, I would have loved better, cherished more, and told them how much they inspired me. But they are gone now, and it took me so long to realize what was right in front of my face the entire time.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
I was seven when we moved away, and even though we moved from Pennsylvania to Texas, my parents did go home to visit often. When I was in the sixth grade, my parents went on a year long vacation and my younger brother and I were sent to live with my mother's mom who lived fairly close by my other grandmother, and I would spend every weekend that I could with my dad's mom. She was born in 1895 and had lot's of stories to tell about how things had changed during her life. My dad's mother was the first to realize I was different and told me long ago that I was special and that I had a gift of joy and love to share with the world, that I should not let my parents or anyone deter me from sharing my gifts.
I joined the Navy right out of high school, and after boot camp and A school, I was transferred to the U.S.S. Wisconsin (BB-64) the last of the Great Battleships. We spent a great deal of time in the shipyards getting her ready for recommissioning. Some of the time we were in Pascagoula, MS and the other part of the time we were in the Naval Shipyard in Philadelphia. It was then that I spent every weekend visiting my grandparents, splitting the time between both of them, and my mother's sister at the same time. It was during these visits that I began to notice how different one side of my family was compared to the other side. See, my parents fought all the time, were physically and mentally abusive compared to what parents are today. My parents had moved away to follow their dreams, and in a sense made it. Back then my father was making good money about 50 to 60k a year, and my mother's family had always had money.
Now, to understand the contrast between the two sides of my family you have to understand that there was love, a sense of family and togetherness on my father's side that wasn't found on my mother's side. My dad's mom pulled the family together, kept them together, and spent time with her children and grandchildren. Even though she lived and supported a bigger family of 6 or more on her widows pension, she was always surrounded by family and love. My mom's side of the family there were never any real close ties or bonds, my mother and her sister were close, but there was 17 years difference between my mother and her brother, where there were only 2 years difference between her and her sister. My mom's parents bickered and often fought, yet there was a gulf separating them. It didn't matter how successful my parents were or my aunt was there just didn't seem to be the same kind of love and warmth that was shown on my dad's side of the family.
Now, I do believe that my mom's parents love each other and their family, it was just shown differently, my mother came from a much different place than my father did. There wasn't any want or real need on my mother's side of the family, my mom's mother never had to work, and had every comfort of life. She did struggle with being a mother and a grandmother, and I believe that it came from being married at such a young age. My grandfather served in the Navy during World War II and built upon his career when he got out. Made lots of money and kept the family well insulated from the world around him. He was a remarkable man, full of energy and continued to work until his death at 80 years of age. He never slowed down, and was frugal with his money. When he passed away he left a great deal behind. Which caused a lot of strife between my mother and her brother who were the only ones left in my mother's family. My grandmother had passed away in the late 80's and my aunt had died in a car accident 2 years before my grandmother.
Of course there is more to the story which helped me to come to a better understanding of life and the correlation between happiness and money. To look into this a bit further, I would like to talk to you about my own family life, and how it comparatively contrasted my aunt's life. See my mother and father, had made their money by working hard, my mother going to medical school and studying to be a nurse and then other things, my father worked his way up in the electronics field. There marriage was never happy, there were constant fights and struggles, and they ended up marrying and divorcing each other 3 separate times. Neither one could see that this was unhealthy for them, and damaging to both of them. My aunt's life on the other hand, she had worked herself to a position high up in the insurance industry, she actually put her career before anything else, and got married later in life. She was an executive Vice President of a large insurance firm when she met her husband who was in the toy industry. Both of them had money when they met and married, yet over time their relationship was fraught with problems just like my parents. Now keep in mind that I had spent a great deal of time with my family the 2 years I was stationed in Philadelphia, and I got to know my aunt and uncle very well, as well as spent time with both grandmothers and my grandfather. My aunt and uncle's way of dealing with issues was to pour money into the problem to try and make it go away. Maybe they did this hoping that by some chance the issue would just take care of itself while they focused on other things. Unfortunately, that never happened, I know that my aunt had hoped that she would be able to reconcile the differences between herself and her husband, but never got the chance because she was killed by a drunk driver. My mother's parents never seemed to talk about anything, when my grandmother complained, my grandfather, went to work and brought in more money and also through money at the situation.
In the end all I can say is this, my parents couldn't make it work, by throwing dollars over fist at the issues that faced them, my aunt and uncle nor my grandmother or father ever did it that way either. My parents today are not together, and have moved on with their lives apart. An appropriate solution and they both seem so much happier. Everybody else is dead and gone now on my mother's side, except for her and her brother, and they don't talk at all because of the money that was left by my grandfather. This caused a rift between the two of them that even 15 years later has never been repaired. My grandfather had decided in his will that my uncle had inherited all he was going to get while my grandfather was alive and left everything to my mother, which my uncle thought was unfair. I won't go into the details, but it was an ugly battle and my mother came out the winner in the end.
But the point I am trying to make by telling you all of this, is that money doesn't always make a family or even a person happier, it does make it easier to life and life comfortably, but it doesn't essentially mean that they have a perfect life, that there aren't problems, and certainly doesn't mean they are happy. Yet, in contrast there seems to be a bond on my father's side of the family where struggling and need brought the family closer, there was happiness and laughter, acceptance and companionship to be found. As I told you my dad's mother struggled to take care for her family on a widow's pension, that was meager by any sense of the word. Constantly fraught with bills, and housing situations, they somehow made it through, and through it all there was love and a unity that cannot be explained. I envy that side of the family really because no matter what the situation they faced it together, and overcame the obstacles and kept holding on together.
My dad's mother never swore, and as far back as I can remember looked old, but she had a fierceness about her and a driving force that made her the perfect matriarch. She protected us all and stood up to anyone that she thought was a threat to her or the family. One of the kids down the street that was friends with my cousin Eric, got in some sort of trouble and my grandmother chased him away, for whatever reason, and his father came down and threatened her. I was there! He had an axe handle in his hands and kept telling her that if she ever chased his son away with a broom again he would be back. Her words to him were firm and she held out her bony arm and said here, you think your man enough, break it! You know what, he looked at her with amazement in his eyes, and turned speechless and left. That is how strong she was, undeterred and not afraid of anything.
When I would come over as a child she would stand up for me. She knew how my parents were and she would hug me and kiss me and tell me that everything would be alright, and I knew without a doubt that she loved me and if by chance I got into some kind of trouble and my Uncle Jim was angry, Jim her youngest that lived with her till she died, she would tell him I got enough abuse and beatings at home and would keep him from punishing me. I think about her often, and I wonder how she did it. How she kept the family together, showed love to everyone, never let anyone know the financial stress and pressure she had to have felt. How every year she always sent $5.00 for every birthday, knowing that she couldn't spare it. How much love must she have had to weather all those storms of life, being on her own for so long and raising her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. In my own life I have never seen so much love and dedication. No matter how much money I have made in my life have I ever been able to experience that sort of happiness and love again.
Up until late 2008 I was making well over 100k a year, had 2 homes, at least 2 cars, 2 dogs, a cat and a solid relationship. But like my parents before me, my relationship was full of fights and arguments, most stemming from bills and money. It couldn't last, there wasn't the kind of peace and love in it like there was in my grandmother's world. So, as I look back and ponder the question does money equal happiness? I would have to answer that it does not. That the issues remain the same whether you have money or not, that the secret to all of this is contentment, happiness and joy. I now understand that if you aren't content with what you have at every moment of your life and give joy and thanks for what you have. There is no possible way that you can ever be happy. It takes an deep understanding to see the achievements you have made and to be thankful for them. To appreciate the people that are with you and help you to achieve them. I want you to be blessed. I want you to be able to feel the love and joy in every moment of your life. I want you to cherish the things that you have and be thankful for what you have achieved. Above all else I want you to love yourself and your family. Money does make the world go round, but it doesn't buy you happiness or peace of mind. Only you can do that and it comes from within yourself. It is not something you can chase down, achieve, or even buy. So take a moment and be thankful for what you have and who you are with. Love and cherish them, hug them and tell them daily how much you care for them. Life is short and before you know it, it might be too late and they are gone before you have a chance to tell them how much you love them.
I miss all my grandparents, I understand them better now, and didn't when I was younger. If I knew what I know now, I would have loved better, cherished more, and told them how much they inspired me. But they are gone now, and it took me so long to realize what was right in front of my face the entire time.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
The August 1st Full Moon
Tonight I looked up in the sky and I saw that the moon had risen full and bright
so I sat down under it's light to write a poem that would delight.
Here is my poem I hope you enjoy
Like a kid with a new toy:
Moon Light This August Night:
by Bryan Zepp II
Bright and shiny moon
In the starry sky you loom
above the breeze I can hear the ocean boom
as your light fills my room.
On this first August night
I wonder at your light so bright
and stand in awe of your might
I wish your face could quell my fright.
On the breeze I feel the change
coming from a distant range
my future to rearrange
how I wish I alone would change.
Sitting here beneath your glow
I wish my future you would show
grant me peace and let me know
the path or road on which to go.
My pain is finally near and end
I long to hear your voice my friend
to guide my journey around each bend,
to make it through and cause my heart to mend.
I miss your smile and warm embrace
how I long to see your face
to hold you tight and feel your loving grace,
But thank God your aren't in this place.
Because I feel so alone
and I am weary to the bone,
I couldn't bear to hear you moan.
Oh, I wish your strength you could loan.
For I am lost under the moon
trapped in my lonely room
how bright the light that filters down
that makes the day to night as the world goes round
Oh beautiful and bright moon light
Hear my plea this very night,
to help me find my way and keep my path alright?
So I can face my fright
and keep my head upright!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
so I sat down under it's light to write a poem that would delight.
Here is my poem I hope you enjoy
Like a kid with a new toy:
Moon Light This August Night:
by Bryan Zepp II
Bright and shiny moon
In the starry sky you loom
above the breeze I can hear the ocean boom
as your light fills my room.
On this first August night
I wonder at your light so bright
and stand in awe of your might
I wish your face could quell my fright.
On the breeze I feel the change
coming from a distant range
my future to rearrange
how I wish I alone would change.
Sitting here beneath your glow
I wish my future you would show
grant me peace and let me know
the path or road on which to go.
My pain is finally near and end
I long to hear your voice my friend
to guide my journey around each bend,
to make it through and cause my heart to mend.
I miss your smile and warm embrace
how I long to see your face
to hold you tight and feel your loving grace,
But thank God your aren't in this place.
Because I feel so alone
and I am weary to the bone,
I couldn't bear to hear you moan.
Oh, I wish your strength you could loan.
For I am lost under the moon
trapped in my lonely room
how bright the light that filters down
that makes the day to night as the world goes round
Oh beautiful and bright moon light
Hear my plea this very night,
to help me find my way and keep my path alright?
So I can face my fright
and keep my head upright!
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Bisexuality....My take on the subject
I honestly don't think many people like to be labeled one thing or another, but I was thinking about bisexuality the other day and it began to dawn on me that we are all born bisexual. It is only after we start to form bonds with others that it becomes evident that we are part of one group or another. It seems to me that as we grow and mature, the attraction between one sex or the other starts to outweigh one another. For example in elementary school and middle school I was attracted to both guys and girls, in high school I still dated girls, but it was here that I finally started to be attracted to guys more than girls, and then after high school when I was in the Navy and away from home, I was finally able to explore my sexuality and come to terms with who I was.
Experimentation is a part of everyone's life. I am sure everybody has a story that they could tell you about a friend that they played around with and so forth. It is only when we feel that we bond easier with one sex over the other that we realize or begin to identify with that sexual group. Some people never get out of that stage and enjoy the company of both sexes. People in this category don't necessarily find it harder or easier to bond with male or female, honestly they feel comfortable bonding with either/or depending on the person. In this entry I am going to use the term "homosexual" or "gay" to describe both male and female attraction to the same sex. It will make it that much easier for conversation sake.
Homosexuality has been around as long as man has been on the earth. In ancient times it wasn't as taboo or frowned upon as it is today. There were less stigmas associated with the behavior, and you were free to engage in either same-sex or opposite-sex at your leisure. Bisexuality was probably pretty prevalent in those times. Men and women were more understanding and shared their partners more readily then we do today. Our culture doesn't encourage multiple partners or mates, unless you were part of the old Mormon Faith that believed in polygamy, or still follow more ancient forms of religion like paganism. In countries that practice Buddhism they may take more than one mate because a marriage in their religion is not a sacrament and is considered purely a secular affair. If you find yourself attracted to members of the same sex as well as those of the opposite sex, I encourage you to expand your horizons and actually indulge in those attractions, explore the feelings and intimacy that both offer.
Don't be afraid, empower yourself to seek and discover the benefits of both. You don't have to label yourself as one or the other, be open minded and explore. Youth is meant for taking chances, exploring hidden pleasures and choosing a direction for your life. While you are experiencing and opening yourself up to life and all it's pleasures you are going to begin to feel which group you form closer attachments to and who you feel more comfortable with. As I have said over and over again in other blog entries, experiment and think outside the box, above all else keep an open mind and enjoy the pleasure and sensations you are feeling. Release the feelings of guilt, that are fostered on you by religion and societal pressures there is nothing wrong with what you are doing, and everyone has tried it in some form or fashion at least once in their lives. Some believe that if you are gay or bisexual that you have chosen this path, and I can tell you, I for one did not make a conscious decision to be gay. I can tell you that over time I felt I could bond and understand males more than females. I felt more comfortable being with males and I felt closer to them than I did females. As I have told you I dated both for a long time, and over time the affinity I felt for males begun to outweigh what I felt for females. Most of my best friends are females, I feel a kinship to them, I think because we have similar interests and habits. I can also tell you this, if I would have been able to make a choice, I would never have chosen the course that I am on.
Gay relationships are harder than straight ones, and have their own internal pressure as well as the pressure from outside. All because society's views are that of being closed minded and repressive. We are taught that it is wrong to care for someone of the same sex, and it is preached against in the church and so forth. We have to deal with all those pressures, as well as the ridicule and hate that are spawned by those teachings. Which is why some people choose to hide their sexuality and live dual lives and hide behind lies. By doing such they carry a tremendous amount of pressure and guilt upon their shoulders. For a better picture of what I am talking about above I suggest that you read my entry on "Coming out a tale of fear" I talk about some of the same things in it. Societal norms and pressure put on today's youth about their sexuality and preference is extremely prejudicial and makes it hard for them to deal with the feelings that they feel inside of them, and with those feelings, comes fear of discover, fear of being different, fear of not being excepted, fear of being ridiculed and the total fear that everyone they know will abandon them. Trust me coming to terms with your own sexuality is one of the hardest things you are going to have to do. But as I have stated I am a firm believer that this is not a personal choice we are born the way we are and we gravitate and feel a connection with one or the opposite sex as we develop and mature more. The group we eventually align with or are drawn to is dependent solely on which group we feel more closely connected to and bond easier with.
When we are conceived without gender, the gender assignment doesn't happen till the 13th week of pregnancy or after. Hormones present in the amniotic fluid help the embryo develop into a male or female fetus. The hormone for males is testosterone and estrogen for the females. but up until the 16th week of pregnancy the developing genitalia are identical apart from the hormone that is present in the maternal system, which helps identify what sex the baby is going to be when born. So from conception till week 16 both the male and female zygote, embryo to fetus transition happens exactly the same, there is no way to determine what gender they are going to be, except by testing the hormone levels, and depending on the mother's hormone levels this too could be misleading. A woman with high levels of testosterone would give an abnormal reading at first as would a woman with the reverse, high levels of estrogen. In some rare cases human children have been born of both sexes. Having developed male and female genitalia. Again, this research just goes to prove that we are of both sexes till some point in the maturation process within the womb, therefore it is probable that bisexuality is a natural condition for us humans, and that we let society and religion taint it and make it wrong.
What you should come away with from here is that you shouldn't be afraid to explore your own sexuality, and should feel comfortable with what you do. There is no shame in experimentation and discovering for yourself what feels enjoyable. Don't let society pressure you into a role that you are uncomfortable with. There is no shame in remaining bisexual, maybe you find sex with both sexes extremely pleasurable. I see nothing wrong in that at all. Most of us, if not all have experimented. Some like me have found that we bond and attach more easily to men, over time the attraction toward men becomes stronger and we identify ourselves as being gay. However, others will find that the attraction to the opposite sex grows stronger as the grow and mature so they associate themselves with being heterosexual or straight. Though there are those that can label themselves anyway they want and still find beauty in both sexes. I know I do, though I openly consider myself gay, I still find some women very attractive and talk to them. Of course, I catch myself looking at men too and finding them attractive.
A word of caution don't let other people tell you what you are and what you are supposed to be. You are you and only you can decide what is going to make you happy. I have known so many men that have stayed in the closet and gotten married and had children who continue to play with members of the same sex behind their spouses back. I have even know a few that decided well into their marriage that they couldn't stand to live with the lies and deceptions any longer so they tell their family. Everyone gets hurt in that scenario. I ask you to be brutally honest with yourself and those around you. Don't let a lie destroy you and hurt the people you care about, and be sure you are ready to make a commitment before you jump into something. Again I suggest you try it before you knock it.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Experimentation is a part of everyone's life. I am sure everybody has a story that they could tell you about a friend that they played around with and so forth. It is only when we feel that we bond easier with one sex over the other that we realize or begin to identify with that sexual group. Some people never get out of that stage and enjoy the company of both sexes. People in this category don't necessarily find it harder or easier to bond with male or female, honestly they feel comfortable bonding with either/or depending on the person. In this entry I am going to use the term "homosexual" or "gay" to describe both male and female attraction to the same sex. It will make it that much easier for conversation sake.
Homosexuality has been around as long as man has been on the earth. In ancient times it wasn't as taboo or frowned upon as it is today. There were less stigmas associated with the behavior, and you were free to engage in either same-sex or opposite-sex at your leisure. Bisexuality was probably pretty prevalent in those times. Men and women were more understanding and shared their partners more readily then we do today. Our culture doesn't encourage multiple partners or mates, unless you were part of the old Mormon Faith that believed in polygamy, or still follow more ancient forms of religion like paganism. In countries that practice Buddhism they may take more than one mate because a marriage in their religion is not a sacrament and is considered purely a secular affair. If you find yourself attracted to members of the same sex as well as those of the opposite sex, I encourage you to expand your horizons and actually indulge in those attractions, explore the feelings and intimacy that both offer.
Don't be afraid, empower yourself to seek and discover the benefits of both. You don't have to label yourself as one or the other, be open minded and explore. Youth is meant for taking chances, exploring hidden pleasures and choosing a direction for your life. While you are experiencing and opening yourself up to life and all it's pleasures you are going to begin to feel which group you form closer attachments to and who you feel more comfortable with. As I have said over and over again in other blog entries, experiment and think outside the box, above all else keep an open mind and enjoy the pleasure and sensations you are feeling. Release the feelings of guilt, that are fostered on you by religion and societal pressures there is nothing wrong with what you are doing, and everyone has tried it in some form or fashion at least once in their lives. Some believe that if you are gay or bisexual that you have chosen this path, and I can tell you, I for one did not make a conscious decision to be gay. I can tell you that over time I felt I could bond and understand males more than females. I felt more comfortable being with males and I felt closer to them than I did females. As I have told you I dated both for a long time, and over time the affinity I felt for males begun to outweigh what I felt for females. Most of my best friends are females, I feel a kinship to them, I think because we have similar interests and habits. I can also tell you this, if I would have been able to make a choice, I would never have chosen the course that I am on.
Gay relationships are harder than straight ones, and have their own internal pressure as well as the pressure from outside. All because society's views are that of being closed minded and repressive. We are taught that it is wrong to care for someone of the same sex, and it is preached against in the church and so forth. We have to deal with all those pressures, as well as the ridicule and hate that are spawned by those teachings. Which is why some people choose to hide their sexuality and live dual lives and hide behind lies. By doing such they carry a tremendous amount of pressure and guilt upon their shoulders. For a better picture of what I am talking about above I suggest that you read my entry on "Coming out a tale of fear" I talk about some of the same things in it. Societal norms and pressure put on today's youth about their sexuality and preference is extremely prejudicial and makes it hard for them to deal with the feelings that they feel inside of them, and with those feelings, comes fear of discover, fear of being different, fear of not being excepted, fear of being ridiculed and the total fear that everyone they know will abandon them. Trust me coming to terms with your own sexuality is one of the hardest things you are going to have to do. But as I have stated I am a firm believer that this is not a personal choice we are born the way we are and we gravitate and feel a connection with one or the opposite sex as we develop and mature more. The group we eventually align with or are drawn to is dependent solely on which group we feel more closely connected to and bond easier with.
When we are conceived without gender, the gender assignment doesn't happen till the 13th week of pregnancy or after. Hormones present in the amniotic fluid help the embryo develop into a male or female fetus. The hormone for males is testosterone and estrogen for the females. but up until the 16th week of pregnancy the developing genitalia are identical apart from the hormone that is present in the maternal system, which helps identify what sex the baby is going to be when born. So from conception till week 16 both the male and female zygote, embryo to fetus transition happens exactly the same, there is no way to determine what gender they are going to be, except by testing the hormone levels, and depending on the mother's hormone levels this too could be misleading. A woman with high levels of testosterone would give an abnormal reading at first as would a woman with the reverse, high levels of estrogen. In some rare cases human children have been born of both sexes. Having developed male and female genitalia. Again, this research just goes to prove that we are of both sexes till some point in the maturation process within the womb, therefore it is probable that bisexuality is a natural condition for us humans, and that we let society and religion taint it and make it wrong.
What you should come away with from here is that you shouldn't be afraid to explore your own sexuality, and should feel comfortable with what you do. There is no shame in experimentation and discovering for yourself what feels enjoyable. Don't let society pressure you into a role that you are uncomfortable with. There is no shame in remaining bisexual, maybe you find sex with both sexes extremely pleasurable. I see nothing wrong in that at all. Most of us, if not all have experimented. Some like me have found that we bond and attach more easily to men, over time the attraction toward men becomes stronger and we identify ourselves as being gay. However, others will find that the attraction to the opposite sex grows stronger as the grow and mature so they associate themselves with being heterosexual or straight. Though there are those that can label themselves anyway they want and still find beauty in both sexes. I know I do, though I openly consider myself gay, I still find some women very attractive and talk to them. Of course, I catch myself looking at men too and finding them attractive.
A word of caution don't let other people tell you what you are and what you are supposed to be. You are you and only you can decide what is going to make you happy. I have known so many men that have stayed in the closet and gotten married and had children who continue to play with members of the same sex behind their spouses back. I have even know a few that decided well into their marriage that they couldn't stand to live with the lies and deceptions any longer so they tell their family. Everyone gets hurt in that scenario. I ask you to be brutally honest with yourself and those around you. Don't let a lie destroy you and hurt the people you care about, and be sure you are ready to make a commitment before you jump into something. Again I suggest you try it before you knock it.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
You can do it on your own, you don't need anybody!
I know if you are anything like me you don't like being alone at all. But, I want to tell you that there are some things you are just better at doing by yourself. It is always nice to have a support network to help you through the rough times in your life, and believe me your friends and family are going to pull together for you and help you through those times, and you won't have to face them alone. What I am talking about here is that you don't need another person in your life to define you or make you whole. Sure it is nice to have someone to love, to depend on, to care for, but sometimes the timing is not right or you just can't seem to come together. No matter what the reason is for you being single, understand that you can do it on your own. You don't need someone to hold your hand and coddle you through. One of my fears that I have always had was that I was going to get sick and die alone, that I wouldn't be able to find someone that could care and love me for who I am. Especially after all the surgeries and illnesses I have been through.
Sure it has made it harder for me to find someone who truly and genuinely cares for me, because it seems that having an illness and dwelling on that lowers your defenses, you have a tendency to cling to anyone that shows you the least little bit of attention or affection. I can tell you that this can possibly lead to humiliation and heartbreak, because some of these people are opportunist that are looking for vulnerable people to prey upon and take what they can get from them. Now, I am not saying that everyone is like that, but you have to be extremely careful because there is a world full of predators out there that are looking for the weak and the vulnerable to prey upon and use up. I have found myself personally in that situation more than once, and it isn't fun, and it becomes extremely costly.
There is hope for you and anyone really that wants to read and listen. You honestly don't need anyone to complete you, you can complete yourself. Trust me when I tell you that you can get sucked into a relationship, you can loose yourself and loose your sense of direction. Further, once you are in a relationship you are going to go through a lot of changes and compromises, and believe it or not most of your dreams and goals are going to end up taking a back seat in your life. First in a relationship you are trying to adapt to your new environment and people that you are involved, integrating your friends and their friends into the mix. Then there is where are you going to live, and how you are going to manage the finances together, because combining two individuals into a pair takes some work, each of you have your own lives and issues that you have to bring together to deal with. You are going to want to deal with them as a team and work them through together. Plus there is the time that you are going to take getting to know one another better, and of course there is still having to work and possibly going to school to deal with and so many other things. That you just seem to stop doing your own things, because now you are doing "Our" things. Meaning as a couple you start doing things together. This is not an altogether bad thing believe me and it happens more than you can imagine. But as you are combining your lives, and streamlining the excess, and working out a whole new sets of goals, guess what happens to the dreams you once had, you got it, they fall by the wayside, maybe not totally forgotten, but they sure are put on the shelf for later review.
You may even come to discard your old dreams in favor of new dreams that you create with your partner. You both have expectations and desires to reach these dreams and complete them together, but what do you do when that relationship falls apart or just plain disappears? You are going to find yourself in a difficult place, you are hurt, your world seems upside down, and you don't know what your future is going to hold, and your faith in yourself and in the world around you is going to be very badly shaken. It may take you awhile to come back to yourself, to pick up the pieces of your shattered life and start over again. But eventually you will do it, and guess what you might even remember those old dreams that you shelved a while back and might decide that now is the perfect time to try them out. You figure you have nothing to loose and off you go.
Well, I have faith in you, because I have been there and done just what I described above, I started a new life, met someone in 1996 and decided that it was time for a new chapter in my life to begin. I actually dabbled in some of the things I used to be into, like pencil sketching, drawing, writing, doing research and practicing my beliefs. But honestly, I just dabbled, I wasn't really into it. I was too busy with my life, relationship, the drama that came with being in a relationship, then I was working and building a career, and buying houses, and cars, etc. Before you knew it my dreams and passions got left behind in the dirt. Even after my relationship ended, it did last for 12 years, but when it ended, I was too busy trying to find myself, re-establish my identity, figure out a sense of direction and of course get my feet back under me. My dreams unfortunately never had a chance to resurface. But now that time and distance from my failed relationship have brought into a much clearer focus I remember the dreams I had, and I am finally in a place in my life where I have my feet back under me and a stable foundation on which to build from. So I started writing again, and I have no partner in my life. Those of you that know me and have been following my blogs, know that there are two special people in my life that I have feelings for and they are both far away in Atlanta, and I don't get to talk to them on a regular basis, and that I don't even know if they realize I have an interest in them any more.
Anyhow, the point I am trying to make is this, I am back to a point in my life where I realize I can do everything I need to take care of myself. I don't need anyone else to tell me what to do, make decisions for me, hold my hand and of course keep me from doing the things that I love to do and have always dreamed of doing. It took me having to go through the darkest part of my life to realize that there is so much more out there just waiting to be done, and that I can do it all by myself. Sure as I mentioned above it would be nice to have someone in my life, but you know what if that ever comes about this time things are going to be a little different. I am going to encourage them to follow their dreams, to take a leap of faith and try to do accomplish whatever they desire. Because, I am focusing on attaining my own dreams and I don't have time for someone that is going to rain on my parade or hold me back. I won't settle for someone that doesn't have faith in me, that doesn't believe in me, or who tries to tell me that my dreams are unrealistic, or that I don't have talent or the myriad of other things that were used to hold me back and keep me down in my previous relationship. I have finally found myself again, and yes it took me a long while to realize that I didn't need another person, that my dreams were just as important to me as any other aspect of my life.
It also dawned on me that when we meet someone new that we have a preconceived notion of what they are supposed to be like and what the new relationship is supposed to be like. These notions are from what we see on TV, in our own family life, even that of our friends relationships. We end up constantly comparing the person and the relationship against these notions or expectations and when they don't measure up we get frustrated, disappointed and stress and discord enter the picture, we start fighting and as the tension builds so does the depression. I talked about this in my blog entry "You need to adjust and lower your expectations". The point here is that no one is ever going to measure up to your ideal or perfect person or relationship and if you don't come to terms with that, you are going to end up alienating yourself, pushing the person away, and destroying your relationship. Honestly, I believe that both of you are going to come to a point where you feel that nothing you do is right in the others eyes, and that everything you try to do to make each other happy only back fires.
No matter if you are in a relationship or if you have gone through the emotional turmoil of the break up, you have to rely on yourself. I have stressed over and over again in almost all my blog entries the importance of taking care of yourself, focusing your attention on your own needs, desires and goals. Because as I have said before, no one else is going to do it for you. If you don't put yourself first and foremost then you are going to get left behind, you are going to put your dreams on hold and they are never going to have the chance to be realized. You are going to wake up one morning and realize that your life is half over and you have yet to accomplish anything. That you have given up your dreams to raise a family, to take care of your partner, or raise children, or given everything you had to your career and job. You forgot all about yourself and your dreams, you decided that you could sacrifice them to survive. But take it from me those are the types of regrets you don't want to have in your life, and guess what I am here to tell you that you don't have to.
I am also here to tell you that if you come to a point in your life and you find yourself alone, and sometimes feeling lonely, don't think that you have to go out there and find yourself somebody, because you don't. You can do it all on your own, you won't have any distractions, nobody holding you back, or taking your time. One of my favorite movies the son tells his mother " I can cook, clean, sew, fix the plumbing and pat myself on the back, just so you don't have to." You are going to find that you don't need anyone in your life to feel complete, you can prove to yourself that you are worthy of happiness, and are destined for great things. You are strong enough to take care of yourself, and of course you have your friends and family. Don't let yourself be pressured or forget what you believe in, because you are worth it. You owe it to yourself to reach for your dreams, to take a leap of faith and find your success. I am here to tell you that you are never too old to reach for and accomplish your dreams. Look at Fantasia Barrino, she is the young singer who won season 3 of American Idol, she was a single mother, struggling, working hard to take care of herself and her baby. She had almost forgot her dream. She almost let it go, a friend of her's encouraged her, told her that her voice was her gift and that God gave it to her to make a success from. She told her brother, that her grandmother and her mother had given up their dreams to take care of them and raise them, but she wasn't going to do it, she was going to make it so her daughter would be able to reach for her dreams when she grew up. You should really check out her story "Fantasia Barrino: Life is not a fairy tale", I am so sure you will be amazed at her life and be able to take some inspiration from it.
I am always looking for people whose lives touch me and inspire me, and I can tell you this. You can do anything you want to, you must set your mind to it, work hard, and do what it takes, fight for it, don't worry about the people talking about you and putting you down, because you know what at least they are thinking about you, and if they are great. Don't give up or quit, see it through to the end, I know it is going to be hard and you are going to want to throw in the towel, but guess what stick it out you are going to be so happy you did. The rewards and joy are going to so outweigh the pain you had to endure getting there. If there are people holding you back and keeping you down, you have to be strong enough to let them go, find the strength within yourself to know that you can do it, you can make it and you will. You deserve the best, you don't need anyone holding you down...trust me you can make it one your own you don't need anybody.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Sure it has made it harder for me to find someone who truly and genuinely cares for me, because it seems that having an illness and dwelling on that lowers your defenses, you have a tendency to cling to anyone that shows you the least little bit of attention or affection. I can tell you that this can possibly lead to humiliation and heartbreak, because some of these people are opportunist that are looking for vulnerable people to prey upon and take what they can get from them. Now, I am not saying that everyone is like that, but you have to be extremely careful because there is a world full of predators out there that are looking for the weak and the vulnerable to prey upon and use up. I have found myself personally in that situation more than once, and it isn't fun, and it becomes extremely costly.
There is hope for you and anyone really that wants to read and listen. You honestly don't need anyone to complete you, you can complete yourself. Trust me when I tell you that you can get sucked into a relationship, you can loose yourself and loose your sense of direction. Further, once you are in a relationship you are going to go through a lot of changes and compromises, and believe it or not most of your dreams and goals are going to end up taking a back seat in your life. First in a relationship you are trying to adapt to your new environment and people that you are involved, integrating your friends and their friends into the mix. Then there is where are you going to live, and how you are going to manage the finances together, because combining two individuals into a pair takes some work, each of you have your own lives and issues that you have to bring together to deal with. You are going to want to deal with them as a team and work them through together. Plus there is the time that you are going to take getting to know one another better, and of course there is still having to work and possibly going to school to deal with and so many other things. That you just seem to stop doing your own things, because now you are doing "Our" things. Meaning as a couple you start doing things together. This is not an altogether bad thing believe me and it happens more than you can imagine. But as you are combining your lives, and streamlining the excess, and working out a whole new sets of goals, guess what happens to the dreams you once had, you got it, they fall by the wayside, maybe not totally forgotten, but they sure are put on the shelf for later review.
You may even come to discard your old dreams in favor of new dreams that you create with your partner. You both have expectations and desires to reach these dreams and complete them together, but what do you do when that relationship falls apart or just plain disappears? You are going to find yourself in a difficult place, you are hurt, your world seems upside down, and you don't know what your future is going to hold, and your faith in yourself and in the world around you is going to be very badly shaken. It may take you awhile to come back to yourself, to pick up the pieces of your shattered life and start over again. But eventually you will do it, and guess what you might even remember those old dreams that you shelved a while back and might decide that now is the perfect time to try them out. You figure you have nothing to loose and off you go.
Well, I have faith in you, because I have been there and done just what I described above, I started a new life, met someone in 1996 and decided that it was time for a new chapter in my life to begin. I actually dabbled in some of the things I used to be into, like pencil sketching, drawing, writing, doing research and practicing my beliefs. But honestly, I just dabbled, I wasn't really into it. I was too busy with my life, relationship, the drama that came with being in a relationship, then I was working and building a career, and buying houses, and cars, etc. Before you knew it my dreams and passions got left behind in the dirt. Even after my relationship ended, it did last for 12 years, but when it ended, I was too busy trying to find myself, re-establish my identity, figure out a sense of direction and of course get my feet back under me. My dreams unfortunately never had a chance to resurface. But now that time and distance from my failed relationship have brought into a much clearer focus I remember the dreams I had, and I am finally in a place in my life where I have my feet back under me and a stable foundation on which to build from. So I started writing again, and I have no partner in my life. Those of you that know me and have been following my blogs, know that there are two special people in my life that I have feelings for and they are both far away in Atlanta, and I don't get to talk to them on a regular basis, and that I don't even know if they realize I have an interest in them any more.
Anyhow, the point I am trying to make is this, I am back to a point in my life where I realize I can do everything I need to take care of myself. I don't need anyone else to tell me what to do, make decisions for me, hold my hand and of course keep me from doing the things that I love to do and have always dreamed of doing. It took me having to go through the darkest part of my life to realize that there is so much more out there just waiting to be done, and that I can do it all by myself. Sure as I mentioned above it would be nice to have someone in my life, but you know what if that ever comes about this time things are going to be a little different. I am going to encourage them to follow their dreams, to take a leap of faith and try to do accomplish whatever they desire. Because, I am focusing on attaining my own dreams and I don't have time for someone that is going to rain on my parade or hold me back. I won't settle for someone that doesn't have faith in me, that doesn't believe in me, or who tries to tell me that my dreams are unrealistic, or that I don't have talent or the myriad of other things that were used to hold me back and keep me down in my previous relationship. I have finally found myself again, and yes it took me a long while to realize that I didn't need another person, that my dreams were just as important to me as any other aspect of my life.
It also dawned on me that when we meet someone new that we have a preconceived notion of what they are supposed to be like and what the new relationship is supposed to be like. These notions are from what we see on TV, in our own family life, even that of our friends relationships. We end up constantly comparing the person and the relationship against these notions or expectations and when they don't measure up we get frustrated, disappointed and stress and discord enter the picture, we start fighting and as the tension builds so does the depression. I talked about this in my blog entry "You need to adjust and lower your expectations". The point here is that no one is ever going to measure up to your ideal or perfect person or relationship and if you don't come to terms with that, you are going to end up alienating yourself, pushing the person away, and destroying your relationship. Honestly, I believe that both of you are going to come to a point where you feel that nothing you do is right in the others eyes, and that everything you try to do to make each other happy only back fires.
No matter if you are in a relationship or if you have gone through the emotional turmoil of the break up, you have to rely on yourself. I have stressed over and over again in almost all my blog entries the importance of taking care of yourself, focusing your attention on your own needs, desires and goals. Because as I have said before, no one else is going to do it for you. If you don't put yourself first and foremost then you are going to get left behind, you are going to put your dreams on hold and they are never going to have the chance to be realized. You are going to wake up one morning and realize that your life is half over and you have yet to accomplish anything. That you have given up your dreams to raise a family, to take care of your partner, or raise children, or given everything you had to your career and job. You forgot all about yourself and your dreams, you decided that you could sacrifice them to survive. But take it from me those are the types of regrets you don't want to have in your life, and guess what I am here to tell you that you don't have to.
I am also here to tell you that if you come to a point in your life and you find yourself alone, and sometimes feeling lonely, don't think that you have to go out there and find yourself somebody, because you don't. You can do it all on your own, you won't have any distractions, nobody holding you back, or taking your time. One of my favorite movies the son tells his mother " I can cook, clean, sew, fix the plumbing and pat myself on the back, just so you don't have to." You are going to find that you don't need anyone in your life to feel complete, you can prove to yourself that you are worthy of happiness, and are destined for great things. You are strong enough to take care of yourself, and of course you have your friends and family. Don't let yourself be pressured or forget what you believe in, because you are worth it. You owe it to yourself to reach for your dreams, to take a leap of faith and find your success. I am here to tell you that you are never too old to reach for and accomplish your dreams. Look at Fantasia Barrino, she is the young singer who won season 3 of American Idol, she was a single mother, struggling, working hard to take care of herself and her baby. She had almost forgot her dream. She almost let it go, a friend of her's encouraged her, told her that her voice was her gift and that God gave it to her to make a success from. She told her brother, that her grandmother and her mother had given up their dreams to take care of them and raise them, but she wasn't going to do it, she was going to make it so her daughter would be able to reach for her dreams when she grew up. You should really check out her story "Fantasia Barrino: Life is not a fairy tale", I am so sure you will be amazed at her life and be able to take some inspiration from it.
I am always looking for people whose lives touch me and inspire me, and I can tell you this. You can do anything you want to, you must set your mind to it, work hard, and do what it takes, fight for it, don't worry about the people talking about you and putting you down, because you know what at least they are thinking about you, and if they are great. Don't give up or quit, see it through to the end, I know it is going to be hard and you are going to want to throw in the towel, but guess what stick it out you are going to be so happy you did. The rewards and joy are going to so outweigh the pain you had to endure getting there. If there are people holding you back and keeping you down, you have to be strong enough to let them go, find the strength within yourself to know that you can do it, you can make it and you will. You deserve the best, you don't need anyone holding you down...trust me you can make it one your own you don't need anybody.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Monday, July 30, 2012
Hate, Anger and Regret will consume you.
I was thinking about anger, hate and regrets the other day and how those three things are the formula for revenge. Revenge is all about getting back at someone for hurting you, or having done something to you. The pitfalls of revenge can be found in literary classics like "Moby Dick" and other such important works. The end results are usually the same, a person becomes embroiled and totally consumed by the intense drive and need to execute their revenge. Revenge is pointless, you cannot change the past, and in most cases more hurt is inflicted upon yourself then the person you target. In my blog entry entitled "So What, Who Cares, Get Over it and Move on" I talk about grudges, and revenge is a grudge that has grown out of control and has become an obsession.
It is impossible for anyone to tell you how to change your course, all we can do is try to warn you of the danger you are in. When you blame someone else for something that has happened to you and you forget that it took two of you to be involved in the situation, and that both of you are to blame for what happened. How can you ever get past it? The important thing is to accept responsibility for your role in the situation, come to terms with the fact that both of you made terrible choices, and the end result is that you got hurt. Plot, planning, devising ways to embarrass, punish and victimize the person that hurt you makes you know better than that person. Possibly it makes you worse, because you have taken the time to plan it out, worked hard to execute the plan, and probably tried to get others to side with you against the other person in the process.
I warn you that if you take this path you are going to have to deal with, and live with the consequences of your choices and your actions. Remember that karma is a harsh mistress and she gives back what you dish out, and when she does it is 10 times worse than what you gave to the other person. When you become obsessed with hurting another person and become so intent on exacting your revenge, you are going to destroy your credibility with others, you are going to put all of your friendships and relationships in jeopardy. In the end you are going to end up alone and full of despair. After all is said and done and your revenge has taken place there is going to be nothing left inside of you, you have used up all your hatred and anger and an empty hole remains where there once was pain. Pain is good like I have said before, it lets you know you are alive, and it teaches us how to react in situations and protects us from making the same or similar choices over again.
If you feel nothing but emptiness, what do you think is going to fill the void? Do you think it is going to be love? Understanding? No, it is going to be an all consuming and overwhelming sense of despair, guilt and depression. Then when you look back at all the energy and time that you have wasted, and trust me you are going to see that it was a total waste. You are going to see that it was fruitless, and the joy that you thought you were going to feel watching the other person pay and squirm is going to feel so unrewarding, and by then it is too late. Nothing you can do will take back the actions you have taken. Once you are on that path, how could you possibly feel anything whatsoever?
In most cases the hurt that you experienced at another's hands was probably accidental, not even planned. Even if the pain was because they were talking about you behind your back and lying to everyone around you, accusing you of things you hadn't done. You really need to look at your past actions and see if what they are reacting to, isn't somehow a direct result of something you might have done or said, and what they were doing was to get back at you. See revenge is a nasty two edge sword, and no matter if you started it or reacted to it, it still wounds both you and the person it was intended for. What if once you have searched within yourself and it wasn't brought about by something you have done, take into consideration who it was that was talking about you, maybe you will find that they are jealous of you, or envy you for some reason, or maybe they are just a bitter lonely person who can't stand to see you happy because they aren't.
Understand that I am not saying what they did wasn't wrong, and that your feelings of hurt and betrayal aren't justified, but take it in stride and with a grain of salt. Remember, who said it or did it and if you can't figure out why they did it, I suggest you confront them privately and try to find out. More than likely they are going to deny that they did it, and if that happens you have to determine if they are actually telling the truth and if you can really trust the source from which your information came from. Because often times we get caught up in the "He Said, She Said" bull crap, and eventually find out that we have been played from the start. It is always best to go to the source and confront them and figure out what actually happened or was said. You may find out that they are innocent, or you may find out that they did do it, and what got back to you was taken out of context and made to hurt you, and when you find out what was really said or done, you could find out that it was all a big misunderstanding.
Now, if something has happened and it is immensely damaging and hurtful, you must evaluate the person, their motives, and intentions. Try to figure out what their agenda is. Because I promise you that there are so many people out there that are claiming to be your friends and saying that they care about you, and behind your back they are tearing you apart, undermining everything you are trying to accomplish, and talking about you like you are a dog. These are the types of people that I call "Frienemies", they are all around us, they are opportunist, and they are just trying to get you for whatever they can, and it doesn't matter to them how badly you get hurt. To them you are just an end to the means. If you don't get rid of them from your life they are going to continue to use you till there is nothing left and continue to hurt you.
It is easier to give into the pain and hatred, let the anger build and go after these people, but trust me when I tell you revenge and vengeance isn't any good. Have faith that they are going to get what is coming to them, and they are going to be hurt far worse than you could ever do to them, by their own actions. They are going to find out that they have no real friends and everyone is going to eventually find out what type of person they are and before you know it they are going to be hurting and you didn't have to lift a figure to do anything because they have done it to themselves.
Have pity on them that have hurt you and used you, that have spoken about you and lied on you, because they are so unhappy with their lives, and so insecure with there own standing that they try destroy yours. But, guess what you are better than them. You are going to be stronger then them, and you are going to be blessed far greater than them. So please learn to forgive them for what they have done, understand the type of person they truly are, and let them go. They are not worth you feeling guilty and miserable over. Always keep in the front of your mind how they treated you and what they did to you, so you don't let them do it to you again, also by keeping that fresh in your mind you are going to be aware and ready for the next person that tries to play you and run game on you. Because you know what how they act and operate. So as the saying goes, "Forgive but never forget what they have done".
While you are soul searching to find out why they did what they did, and all that. Honestly take a good hard look at how you judge a person's character, because you may find out just like I did that you are a bad judge of character and your choice of friends leaves a lot to be desired. Learn to be observant, and as I have suggested before come at each encounter with a new person as an open book, be honest with them, don't hide behind your masks, develop a true friendship, test it if you have too, and when you figure out that they are just a player and are trying to run game on you drop them. Because in the long run they are just going to walk all over you, get as much out of you as they can and leave. It is just that simple, they honestly don't care, and because of that they have the most power in your relationship, because you are the one that cares you are the one that is going to get hurt. My friend once sent me a picture that I wanted to post on here that summed up nicely what I was trying to say but I couldn't find it. So I am going to do my best to tell you from my memory. The picture said something like this "When someone in your life is taking more withdrawals then deposits, you will soon find that your account is out of balance, and you are negative, know when to close the account." Like I was saying above, if someone is taking from you more than they are giving your, they are using you, they are not a true friend. Any type of friendship/relationship is supposed to be a partnership a 50/50 breakdown, the two of you should be benefiting each other in some way. Because if that isn't happening then it really isn't a friendship at all. If you continue to let it happen to you, I can guarantee that hard feelings and animosity are going to build up. There is a very thin line between like and dislike and before you know it you are going to be in dislike. I don't use the word hate, because I don't think I have ever found anyone that I disliked so much that I actually hated them. But there are quite a few people out there that have played me and hurt me and I dislike what they did. Now, I cannot fault them entirely because I know that I had my own part to play in the situation, but taking advantage of someone that is trying to help you is wrong no matter how you look at it. It maybe a bit late and after the fact but those people will never get to play me again, because I now know about their agenda, and no matter how hard they will try to convince me otherwise, I know that they don't care about me.
Be wise as you pick your friends, try and hone your skills at being a good judge of character, protect yourself against the players and haters in the world. Make sure you put your interest and goals in front of everyone else's because they aren't going to put yours first. Above all else let go of the hate, anger and regret you feel, don't let it consume you and put you on the path of revenge. Continue to be true to yourself and love everyone like you do. Forgive them that have hurt you and move on, cutting them from your life and letting them figure out how they are going to work someone else because you are through. Keep in mind my motto "So What, Who Cares, Get Over It and Move On" because in the grand scheme of life, they are just a little bump in the road, and when all is said and done they aren't going to be answering for you at Judgement, it is just going to be you alone.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
It is impossible for anyone to tell you how to change your course, all we can do is try to warn you of the danger you are in. When you blame someone else for something that has happened to you and you forget that it took two of you to be involved in the situation, and that both of you are to blame for what happened. How can you ever get past it? The important thing is to accept responsibility for your role in the situation, come to terms with the fact that both of you made terrible choices, and the end result is that you got hurt. Plot, planning, devising ways to embarrass, punish and victimize the person that hurt you makes you know better than that person. Possibly it makes you worse, because you have taken the time to plan it out, worked hard to execute the plan, and probably tried to get others to side with you against the other person in the process.
I warn you that if you take this path you are going to have to deal with, and live with the consequences of your choices and your actions. Remember that karma is a harsh mistress and she gives back what you dish out, and when she does it is 10 times worse than what you gave to the other person. When you become obsessed with hurting another person and become so intent on exacting your revenge, you are going to destroy your credibility with others, you are going to put all of your friendships and relationships in jeopardy. In the end you are going to end up alone and full of despair. After all is said and done and your revenge has taken place there is going to be nothing left inside of you, you have used up all your hatred and anger and an empty hole remains where there once was pain. Pain is good like I have said before, it lets you know you are alive, and it teaches us how to react in situations and protects us from making the same or similar choices over again.
If you feel nothing but emptiness, what do you think is going to fill the void? Do you think it is going to be love? Understanding? No, it is going to be an all consuming and overwhelming sense of despair, guilt and depression. Then when you look back at all the energy and time that you have wasted, and trust me you are going to see that it was a total waste. You are going to see that it was fruitless, and the joy that you thought you were going to feel watching the other person pay and squirm is going to feel so unrewarding, and by then it is too late. Nothing you can do will take back the actions you have taken. Once you are on that path, how could you possibly feel anything whatsoever?
In most cases the hurt that you experienced at another's hands was probably accidental, not even planned. Even if the pain was because they were talking about you behind your back and lying to everyone around you, accusing you of things you hadn't done. You really need to look at your past actions and see if what they are reacting to, isn't somehow a direct result of something you might have done or said, and what they were doing was to get back at you. See revenge is a nasty two edge sword, and no matter if you started it or reacted to it, it still wounds both you and the person it was intended for. What if once you have searched within yourself and it wasn't brought about by something you have done, take into consideration who it was that was talking about you, maybe you will find that they are jealous of you, or envy you for some reason, or maybe they are just a bitter lonely person who can't stand to see you happy because they aren't.
Understand that I am not saying what they did wasn't wrong, and that your feelings of hurt and betrayal aren't justified, but take it in stride and with a grain of salt. Remember, who said it or did it and if you can't figure out why they did it, I suggest you confront them privately and try to find out. More than likely they are going to deny that they did it, and if that happens you have to determine if they are actually telling the truth and if you can really trust the source from which your information came from. Because often times we get caught up in the "He Said, She Said" bull crap, and eventually find out that we have been played from the start. It is always best to go to the source and confront them and figure out what actually happened or was said. You may find out that they are innocent, or you may find out that they did do it, and what got back to you was taken out of context and made to hurt you, and when you find out what was really said or done, you could find out that it was all a big misunderstanding.
Now, if something has happened and it is immensely damaging and hurtful, you must evaluate the person, their motives, and intentions. Try to figure out what their agenda is. Because I promise you that there are so many people out there that are claiming to be your friends and saying that they care about you, and behind your back they are tearing you apart, undermining everything you are trying to accomplish, and talking about you like you are a dog. These are the types of people that I call "Frienemies", they are all around us, they are opportunist, and they are just trying to get you for whatever they can, and it doesn't matter to them how badly you get hurt. To them you are just an end to the means. If you don't get rid of them from your life they are going to continue to use you till there is nothing left and continue to hurt you.
It is easier to give into the pain and hatred, let the anger build and go after these people, but trust me when I tell you revenge and vengeance isn't any good. Have faith that they are going to get what is coming to them, and they are going to be hurt far worse than you could ever do to them, by their own actions. They are going to find out that they have no real friends and everyone is going to eventually find out what type of person they are and before you know it they are going to be hurting and you didn't have to lift a figure to do anything because they have done it to themselves.
Have pity on them that have hurt you and used you, that have spoken about you and lied on you, because they are so unhappy with their lives, and so insecure with there own standing that they try destroy yours. But, guess what you are better than them. You are going to be stronger then them, and you are going to be blessed far greater than them. So please learn to forgive them for what they have done, understand the type of person they truly are, and let them go. They are not worth you feeling guilty and miserable over. Always keep in the front of your mind how they treated you and what they did to you, so you don't let them do it to you again, also by keeping that fresh in your mind you are going to be aware and ready for the next person that tries to play you and run game on you. Because you know what how they act and operate. So as the saying goes, "Forgive but never forget what they have done".
While you are soul searching to find out why they did what they did, and all that. Honestly take a good hard look at how you judge a person's character, because you may find out just like I did that you are a bad judge of character and your choice of friends leaves a lot to be desired. Learn to be observant, and as I have suggested before come at each encounter with a new person as an open book, be honest with them, don't hide behind your masks, develop a true friendship, test it if you have too, and when you figure out that they are just a player and are trying to run game on you drop them. Because in the long run they are just going to walk all over you, get as much out of you as they can and leave. It is just that simple, they honestly don't care, and because of that they have the most power in your relationship, because you are the one that cares you are the one that is going to get hurt. My friend once sent me a picture that I wanted to post on here that summed up nicely what I was trying to say but I couldn't find it. So I am going to do my best to tell you from my memory. The picture said something like this "When someone in your life is taking more withdrawals then deposits, you will soon find that your account is out of balance, and you are negative, know when to close the account." Like I was saying above, if someone is taking from you more than they are giving your, they are using you, they are not a true friend. Any type of friendship/relationship is supposed to be a partnership a 50/50 breakdown, the two of you should be benefiting each other in some way. Because if that isn't happening then it really isn't a friendship at all. If you continue to let it happen to you, I can guarantee that hard feelings and animosity are going to build up. There is a very thin line between like and dislike and before you know it you are going to be in dislike. I don't use the word hate, because I don't think I have ever found anyone that I disliked so much that I actually hated them. But there are quite a few people out there that have played me and hurt me and I dislike what they did. Now, I cannot fault them entirely because I know that I had my own part to play in the situation, but taking advantage of someone that is trying to help you is wrong no matter how you look at it. It maybe a bit late and after the fact but those people will never get to play me again, because I now know about their agenda, and no matter how hard they will try to convince me otherwise, I know that they don't care about me.
Be wise as you pick your friends, try and hone your skills at being a good judge of character, protect yourself against the players and haters in the world. Make sure you put your interest and goals in front of everyone else's because they aren't going to put yours first. Above all else let go of the hate, anger and regret you feel, don't let it consume you and put you on the path of revenge. Continue to be true to yourself and love everyone like you do. Forgive them that have hurt you and move on, cutting them from your life and letting them figure out how they are going to work someone else because you are through. Keep in mind my motto "So What, Who Cares, Get Over It and Move On" because in the grand scheme of life, they are just a little bump in the road, and when all is said and done they aren't going to be answering for you at Judgement, it is just going to be you alone.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Sunday, July 29, 2012
You need to adjust and lower your expectations
The last four entries have been dealing with relationships and dealing with the problems that might come up in them. Which I included families and how they form the basis of a support network. I want to round out the series with discussing expectations. For it seems to me that rigidity and flawed expectations seem to be a cause of our own inability to adjust to what life and relationships throw at us. I have stressed that in order for relationships to be successful and long lasting it needs to be based on trust, communication, friendship, open mindedness and the flexibility to adjust to change. Keep in mind that when two people come together, they have their own ideas, habits and customs that they are used to. By adjusting and lowering your expectations can make living with another person so much easier.
What I am trying to say here is that if you have preset or preconceived notions about how a relationship should be like, there is nothing but disappointment and pain in your future. You may find someone that you care about but how long will it last when you are constantly fighting, criticizing, and nitpicking your partner. Another thing you need to think about is your happiness and that of your partner. If you both set your goals so high that they are unattainable and have expectations that are unreasonable, I don't see how you two are possibly going to get anywhere and you are going to start to have regrets and before you know it you are going to be going at each other trying to assign whose to blame for failing to reach your common goals.
I believe that each relationship has to have reachable and realistic goals in order for contentment and happiness to be attained and maintained. I also maintain that if you have inflexible and rigid expectations you are never going to be satisfied with anything that you have or will gain, it is further going to push your goals into the realm of unreachable. It is important to understand that your expectations on a situation, affect the way you plan and reach for your goals. Often you have a preconceived notion that you base your feelings on and when a person doesn't live up to those expectations, you come down hard on that person. Your expectations are how you perceive something, it is the mental guide on which you judge everything. When your expectations are set so high, and you have an idea of how things should go, and they don't go that way, your reaction is going to be one of disappointment and anger.
We all go into a relationship with a preconceived notion of how it should be. When things don't live up to those expectation, the disappointment grows, and if your partner continues to fail to live up to your expectation, you start building resentments, and before you know it every little thing starts to irritate you. Your relationship becomes unstable and forward movement toward your mutual goals grinds to a halt. If you don't address it quickly and efficiently the everyday becomes routine and mundane, lethargy sets in and depression. The next thing you know you two are fighting all the time and the relationship crashes in a bitter and dreadful manner with feelings getting hurt on both sides.
In the entry I wrote about handling problems I stressed over and over again that you need to keep an open mind about things, you need to be flexible, adaptable and willing to change. You must be adventurous and willing to explore new options. It is important that your expectations be realistic so that you can set reasonable and achievable goals. I guess in a way I am trying to say that your goals and expectations must be aligned inside the relationship and without. You need to work together and accept each other for who you are. How can you say that you love someone in one breathe and then in the next try to change them, into what you think they should be. Because if you think about it, if the person does end up changing then they are not the person you were in love with any longer and in all actuality everything will have to change. Expectations can be brutal things that can tear a relationship apart.
Have you ever felt that for every one step forward, you take five steps back? If so that means that your expectations and goals are unrealistic and might actually be impossible to attain. You must adjust them accordingly before you finally give in to depression and throw in the towel. If you are a person that continually compares where you are at and who you are with to your past you are going to find that neither the place or the person live up to what you think they should. Memories are things that we polish up and idolize, and nobody can compete with a memory, so you constantly find yourself disappointed. No relationship can possibly withstand constant comparison to the past, further no goal can be reached if you keep living in the past and not moving forward.
I believe you that you need to take each person that you have a relationship with on their own merits. I do realize how hard it is to keep from comparing them to your exes, but if you continue to do it, your current partner is going to get the impression that you aren't over your ex and start to feel insecure, and if that happens there is no way possible for them to live up to the ideal that you have in your mind of the perfect companion. I think you may also find after several failed relationships that what you had once thought of as the ideal relationship doesn't actually exist at all. That you have been fooling yourself, and pushing people away from you because of your constant comparisons to your past, and because you are so set in your ways that you can't share your life with another person. I also think that your current partner is going to begin to feel a certain way about themselves and you. They are going to begin to feel that nothing they do is good enough for you, and that you just want more and more. They begin to feel stress and anxiety about this because they are doing their best and apparently in your eyes it is not enough.
Any goal that you are trying to reach is going to be always just out of reach because you haven't learned how to appreciate what you have. If you don't learn how to be content with where you are at in life and appreciate what you have achieved then how can you truly be happy, and if you aren't happy with yourself how can you be happy with anyone else. All because of your preconceived notions and expectations you are going to drive yourself and others crazy, and before you know it you are going to be all alone wondering what you did.
I hope you understand that all I am trying to tell you that we each have certain expectations and ideas about how things should be done, and if we don't adjust our way of thinking we are going to continue to drive others away from us. Any goal we might possibly achieve is going to be disappointing and we are never going to be happy with what we have accomplished because in our minds we haven't ever achieved the place or thing that we truly wanted. You must let go of the past to move on to the future, you cannot have a successful relationship if you continually compare them to your ex, and you are never going to be able to keep anyone with you if your expectations are so high that they couldn't possibly live up to them.
I hope you can understand how I have been trying to relate how expectations and goals are tied together, and how one can damage the other, and how when not dealt with together can result in constant disappointment and loneliness.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
What I am trying to say here is that if you have preset or preconceived notions about how a relationship should be like, there is nothing but disappointment and pain in your future. You may find someone that you care about but how long will it last when you are constantly fighting, criticizing, and nitpicking your partner. Another thing you need to think about is your happiness and that of your partner. If you both set your goals so high that they are unattainable and have expectations that are unreasonable, I don't see how you two are possibly going to get anywhere and you are going to start to have regrets and before you know it you are going to be going at each other trying to assign whose to blame for failing to reach your common goals.
I believe that each relationship has to have reachable and realistic goals in order for contentment and happiness to be attained and maintained. I also maintain that if you have inflexible and rigid expectations you are never going to be satisfied with anything that you have or will gain, it is further going to push your goals into the realm of unreachable. It is important to understand that your expectations on a situation, affect the way you plan and reach for your goals. Often you have a preconceived notion that you base your feelings on and when a person doesn't live up to those expectations, you come down hard on that person. Your expectations are how you perceive something, it is the mental guide on which you judge everything. When your expectations are set so high, and you have an idea of how things should go, and they don't go that way, your reaction is going to be one of disappointment and anger.
We all go into a relationship with a preconceived notion of how it should be. When things don't live up to those expectation, the disappointment grows, and if your partner continues to fail to live up to your expectation, you start building resentments, and before you know it every little thing starts to irritate you. Your relationship becomes unstable and forward movement toward your mutual goals grinds to a halt. If you don't address it quickly and efficiently the everyday becomes routine and mundane, lethargy sets in and depression. The next thing you know you two are fighting all the time and the relationship crashes in a bitter and dreadful manner with feelings getting hurt on both sides.
In the entry I wrote about handling problems I stressed over and over again that you need to keep an open mind about things, you need to be flexible, adaptable and willing to change. You must be adventurous and willing to explore new options. It is important that your expectations be realistic so that you can set reasonable and achievable goals. I guess in a way I am trying to say that your goals and expectations must be aligned inside the relationship and without. You need to work together and accept each other for who you are. How can you say that you love someone in one breathe and then in the next try to change them, into what you think they should be. Because if you think about it, if the person does end up changing then they are not the person you were in love with any longer and in all actuality everything will have to change. Expectations can be brutal things that can tear a relationship apart.
Have you ever felt that for every one step forward, you take five steps back? If so that means that your expectations and goals are unrealistic and might actually be impossible to attain. You must adjust them accordingly before you finally give in to depression and throw in the towel. If you are a person that continually compares where you are at and who you are with to your past you are going to find that neither the place or the person live up to what you think they should. Memories are things that we polish up and idolize, and nobody can compete with a memory, so you constantly find yourself disappointed. No relationship can possibly withstand constant comparison to the past, further no goal can be reached if you keep living in the past and not moving forward.
I believe you that you need to take each person that you have a relationship with on their own merits. I do realize how hard it is to keep from comparing them to your exes, but if you continue to do it, your current partner is going to get the impression that you aren't over your ex and start to feel insecure, and if that happens there is no way possible for them to live up to the ideal that you have in your mind of the perfect companion. I think you may also find after several failed relationships that what you had once thought of as the ideal relationship doesn't actually exist at all. That you have been fooling yourself, and pushing people away from you because of your constant comparisons to your past, and because you are so set in your ways that you can't share your life with another person. I also think that your current partner is going to begin to feel a certain way about themselves and you. They are going to begin to feel that nothing they do is good enough for you, and that you just want more and more. They begin to feel stress and anxiety about this because they are doing their best and apparently in your eyes it is not enough.
Any goal that you are trying to reach is going to be always just out of reach because you haven't learned how to appreciate what you have. If you don't learn how to be content with where you are at in life and appreciate what you have achieved then how can you truly be happy, and if you aren't happy with yourself how can you be happy with anyone else. All because of your preconceived notions and expectations you are going to drive yourself and others crazy, and before you know it you are going to be all alone wondering what you did.
I hope you understand that all I am trying to tell you that we each have certain expectations and ideas about how things should be done, and if we don't adjust our way of thinking we are going to continue to drive others away from us. Any goal we might possibly achieve is going to be disappointing and we are never going to be happy with what we have accomplished because in our minds we haven't ever achieved the place or thing that we truly wanted. You must let go of the past to move on to the future, you cannot have a successful relationship if you continually compare them to your ex, and you are never going to be able to keep anyone with you if your expectations are so high that they couldn't possibly live up to them.
I hope you can understand how I have been trying to relate how expectations and goals are tied together, and how one can damage the other, and how when not dealt with together can result in constant disappointment and loneliness.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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