Have you ever watched a feel good movie and felt better about yourself and your life afterwards? I did just tonight. I watched a movie called "Fishbowl California", a movie I knew absolutely nothing about, and it lifted my spirits and gave me some peace of mind. The story is seemingly ordinary about the life of a man battling cheating girlfriend, unemployment, homelessness, and plain old bad luck. I felt like I could relate to the main character and have experienced much of the same issues that he was. He met an older woman that challenged him, and in the long run changed his life. As I said it was a feel good movie, with everyday challenges and life issues, but throughout the comedy/drama you began to feel something for the characters and were pulled into the story along with the pain that each one was feeling. It isn't every day that a film comes along and makes me feel the way this one did.
In the story the main character suffered from being homeless, aimless, and having no thoughts other than himself, yet along the way he runs into a tough older woman, with a gruff exterior and tender interior that she hides from everyone including herself and her daughter. You find out that she is sick and possibly dying, in mourning for her husband who has passed and has finally given up on living and is just existing day by day. She is a drunk and has a tough exterior, she takes no bull from anyone yet has a kind heart. Our main character is caught stealing from her and she puts him to work, fixing up the house and cleaning up the yard. Pressure from her daughter to take better care of herself and to get some help. In an attempt to do that she lets the guy stay with her, but he starts to understand that her drinking is a form of avoidance from life and her illness. The daughter appeals to the young man to help her make sure that the mother starts taking her medication daily. This causes a rift in the household and the old lady throws the young man out.
She starts regretting how she treated the young man and begins taking care of herself and stops drinking totally. Within a couple weeks go by and the young man comes by the house to see how the lady is doing only to find that a memorial service is going on. Thinking that the lady has passed away he starts talking about how the woman helped him find himself and took a chance on him when no one else would. This turns out to be a joke and he passes out. When he wakes up he finds that she had decided to give her old self a funeral. She had decided to put her house up for sale and move to Hawaii, apparently the ocean air will be good for her health. As such she decided to give something to the young man who had inadvertently helped her give up drinking and changed her life for the better.
This story reminds me so much of something I wrote a lot about in earlier blog posts about not knowing where a casual conversation will lead you, or how your interactions with someone might benefit them in some way that you couldn't have foreseen. Life is like that in so many ways, we don't know who is looking at us or why. Others might find hope or inspiration in how you are living your life, or could be gaining strength from your struggles. I would like to remind each of us to live as an example for others to follow. Believe in yourself, and know that everyone out there is going through something. You are not struggling alone, and there are people out there who see you. You may not even know them. Others might find inspiration in your life, your story and your struggles. You might be helping people without even being aware of it. Everything you do has far reaching effects on those around you and the environment in which you life.
Take the time to talk to strangers, introduce yourself too them, tell them your story. You might be just the thing that they need to help them get to the next step or progress past an issue that is heavy for them. You never know but each of us has come through so much, done things that others have been afraid to do and we have grown from our efforts. Others, can benefit from you in small or even big ways if you just take the time to express yourself to them. I have often been accused of never meeting a stranger and that is partly true. Every opportunity I get I talk to others about the things that I have been through, my illnesses, my victories and even my defeats. I talk to them about my struggles with addiction and depression and I try to help others by writing my story in my blog. I want people around me to see hope, to gain inspiration and joy from getting to know me. I hope to be someone that helps others around me and teach them how to be the same for those that look to them.
My dad has told me that I can't save everyone, that I have to be smart about how I go about helping other people, and that I shouldn't let them take advantage of me. Sometimes, I get to involved and wrapped up in myself that I don't even notice when someone is using me or trying to take advantage, so I have started distancing myself. But I have begun to see how many people look at my life and they are trying to better themselves by using my examples to help themselves around the issues that plague them. This is a form of helping and is a by product of merely just living my life the best way that I know how.
For many years I led people into the drug world and at times that I thought I was helping them, I was actually enabling them to continue in their abuse and addiction. Only by walking away from the scene myself and encouraging others to do so have I truly been a help. I may have provided a safe warm place that they could indulge themselves, but I wasn't really helping like I thought I was. I have taken so many people off of the streets, and thought I was giving them a chance to better themselves and help them get off of drugs, but what was really happening was I was allowing them to continue in their habit without recourse or consequence to their actions. The weren't on the streets anymore I was providing them with housing, food, and often times more drugs. In effect I was keeping myself surrounded by similar types of people so I didn't feel so guilty about what I was doing, and I convinced myself that I was actually helping others. Some I may have, others maybe not so much, but in the end I learned more about myself and what I really wanted out of life.
Drug addiction is not a game, and it really takes work to remain sober, each day is a constant battle of the soul versus the mind and it never gets easier. If you truly want to help someone get out of that situation the only way to really do is it is to have a zero drug tolerance policy and enforce it. Otherwise you are just fostering an addiction and enabling the person to keep using. Recovery is not something that can be undertaken lightly and must be committed too from the very start. No ifs, ands, or excuses about it. I know that the methods that I used to employ were not effective for treating an illness, they were a way for me to surround myself by like minded people and feel better about myself and what I was doing. Even though I had their best interest at heart my methods were suspect and the help that I gave wasn't effective. I have since changed my thoughts on this and I still try to help those around me who need helping but I have different ideas now about how to go about it and what I am willing to accept in my life and what I am willing to do to help them.
I won't be buying the drugs, will not allow them to be used in my home and I will not let someone manipulate me into falling for the "Just one more time routine". Enough is enough too many of my friends have died or gotten so sick from drugs that it really isn't worth it. Life is the most precious gift we are given and to squander that and to through it away is not something I want to help with anymore. I am so proud of my friends who have started down the road of recovery and are celebrating their sobriety. I wished I would have learned this to help more people earlier. But I am with you in this battle now and I am not giving up and neither should you.
As always you are in my hopes and dreams,
Uncle B
Tuesday, October 9, 2018
Disappointments
Disappointments should be nothing new to me. I have placed my hope in others and have been let down so many times in the past that I should be used to it by now. Things hardly ever go the way I plan them, so I try to remain spontaneous and in the moment all the time. I had wanted to go to visit my friend Robert Miller in Ft. Lauderdale this month because he was having surgery to replace his hip. Unfortunately, I made some choices that limited my travel options. I can't go and surgery took place today, but he is doing well and should be on the mend soon. Early this month I helped out a friend and used up what savings I had. But disappointment aside, I wish I could have gone, but things just didn't work out toward that direction. I wanted to go see my dad at the end of last month because he was in the hospital, but things conspired against me and I have run into trouble with the bank that actually occurred over Labor Day weekend. A clerk at the local Circle K where I bought my cigarettes actually used my debit card and charged $335 dollars and the bank found that these charges were similar to my spending habits and that there were no wrong pin attempts and decided that these charges weren't fraudulent. This has set me back over a 1000.00 in the past 2 months and has seriously hurt my ability to make ends meet let alone go anywhere on a weekend trip.
I am still battling with TD bank over the fraudulent charges that were put against my account back in July when Domeneck Lattella stole my iphone and debit card and tried to put through checks that weren't any good. If I could recover a portion of the money that he profited from against my account I would be in a much better financial situation. But, I am not sure what is going to happen with the bank and the decision that they had come to. I had told my friend Judy that I wasn't planning on staying with her longer than 90 days and that time is rapidly coming to a close and without the financial help of Ryan White or the Bank reversing their decision I am sort of stuck in the living situation that I am in.
I have found a house here in the Orlando area that is $800.00 a month and it includes all the utilities. I am excited that I was able to find the house, now I am struggling to come up with the move in money that the woman is looking for. I am hoping that everything falls into place and that I don't have to struggle to get into the house. It will be a great feeling to finally have a place over my head again, after being homeless for so long. I have come so far, and overcome so many hardships that it is time that something good finally falls into place. I am hoping that in the next couple of months I would have enough saved up that I will finally be able to get another car. In the 2 1/2 months that I have been in Orlando I have been able to clean up my act and get many of the things that I lost when I got screwed over in Jacksonville.
I know that things will eventually come out the way that they are supposed to. I have registered with Ryan White and let them know that I am in need of housing assistance and I am hoping that someone will be in contact with me soon and will be able to help me some towards getting into this place. It will certainly help me get into a better place and be able to stand on my own two feet again. After being adrift since 2017 to have a home base and firm foundation will be an achievement that I can be proud of. I thought that I was on the right track when I was in Jacksonville, but things went sideways so fast, and I ended up being on the streets again and that was extremely rough. I don't want to put myself in that type of situation again.
It has been my history that once things start going better the rug is pulled out from under me and I fall flat on my face. I have lost so many things over the past 20 years that these moments of achievement pale in comparison. I am not sure what the future holds but there are many programs out there that might be able to help me get further ahead then I have been before. I have been coasting for the past several years and just riding the ups and downs of life, and not trying to really embrace what things are happening around me any more. I gave up on my volunteer activities because I got wrapped up in my own little world and didn't want to burden those around me with the issues that I was facing, preferring to handle them on my own. But, the truth of the matter is that I was embarrassed, I got back involved with the drug culture of Daytona, and got sucked into the schemes and scams of those I associated with. Before, I knew it I was back on the street doing the same things that I was doing before when Kerry left me.
Now that I am away from that crowd and the influence of drugs I can see that others have followed in my footsteps and have begun the journey toward sobriety and recovery. Though not everything has been a disappointment and some of the gambles that I have taken have paid off, I am never the less concerned about where I am heading in the future. My direction at this point is unclear and people from my past have stopped talking to me altogether and I am not sure what that means. Originally I was hoping that I would be back up in the Atlanta area by the beginning of the new year but that doesn't look like that is even in the picture anymore. I have been talking to the Carol, the lady that owns the house that I am attempting to rent about doing a rent to own purchase from her. This would be something that would give me stable roots and something that I am extremely interested in. The truth of the matter is that I am hoping that this first year lease works out and that we get along well with the neighbors and the landlord and that opportunity is still on the table. That would definitely be something of a plus for me going forward. It has been a long time since I have owned my own place and it would be nice to finally have something to call my own again. A place that would continue in my family and be a legacy I could leave to others after I am gone.
Speaking of gone, my father is still very sick and isn't doing all that well with his treatments, which is also a disappointment to me. I don't know what I am going to do if both of my parents pass away, both seem to be going through their own series of medical issues and at the age of 70 they may not be around much longer, and I can't keep depending on them like I used too. This means that I have little time to get my stuff in order and get back on my feet, because once they are gone I will not have any other support system around me. Robert is in Fort Lauderdale and is married now and has a husband to worry about, and all my other close friends are in Atlanta or Pennsylvania, I am here in Florida on my own now. So much has happened over the past 6 years that it is impossible for me to know how my friends in Atlanta are fairing and if they are still doing the same stuff they were doing when I left, I am not sure I want to go back into that situation. Up until 2015 I was traveling up to Atlanta fairly often and was in contact with a lot of them but over the past 3 years my health and situation has changed and I am not as capable as I was before to travel up there and get myself wrapped up in the silly games I used to play around with.
I haven't heard from Kerry or Sterling since I first got to Orlando. I don't know if the plans that Kerry and I were talking about are still on the table or if he has changed his mind and is going about doing his own thing and not included me in those plans or what. Last I heard Sterling was heading out to Washington State to help his friend who was going through some heavy medical issues. So plans moving back to Georgia seem to be on hold indefinitely at this point.
Good news is that Dominic has gotten himself into rehab and will soon begin the program and that will benefit him in the long run. The waiting game is the hardest part right now. But we got him in and got him an ID, the program is supposed to help him with housing and job assistance both of which he needs for the future and will help cover some of the out of pocket expenses I am having to cover at the present time. The only draw back at this moment is that of transportation. I don't have a car and there doesn't look like there is going to be one on the horizon any time soon. I am hoping that our friends Nick and Justine who say they want to come to live with us in Orlando will be able to help me cover the rent and that will free my money up to help with transportation costs.
What I have discovered that with any plan there are bound to be many disappointments in life. It seems that every venture comes with its own share of disappointments, and issues. It is by coming through the disappointments and overcoming the issues or challenges, that we learn and grow. We don't ever start something knowing every nuance there is about it, and unforeseen things tend to crop up at the most inopportune moments, but it by these things that we mature and grow and learn how to deal with them. Life is full of excitement and challenges, but along with those comes the disappointments, the struggles and the of course the doubts. Yet, the rewards for doing a job well done and the feel of accomplishment outweigh the disappointments, discomforts, and tears that we shed over them.
No one ever promised us that life was going to be easy, or free from disappointments, nor did they tell us that it would get easier the further in life you go. No unfortunately, the challenges are going to remain the same or become greater the longer you are alive, the good thing is that the more you experience, the more you learn, the faster you grow, and the more knowledge and wisdom you obtain. Sometimes, it might seem easier to give in to hopelessness and despair, but believe me there isn't any reward in doing such. You will feel better about yourself, and gain more confidence and strength the harder you apply yourself to the situations you find yourself in. Even now as I am facing an uncertain future, and my health isn't the greatest it could be, I find myself in a hopeful place, a place where I can reflect on my past and I have a clear vision of what I have accomplished, what I have survived, what I have come through, what I continue to go through and I have a better more complete understanding of the struggles that I am facing today than I did yesterday. I have more hope today than I felt last month or even last year. I know that if nothing changes I will be alright and I can make it, I can survive and I will.
Don't give in to your despair and doubts, know and reflect constantly on your past and what you have accomplished, achieved and come through. In light of that the challenges of tomorrow won't seem so scary and you will be able to have more confidence in your decisions and your choices. Think smart, stay alert and be vigilante not to succumb to the doubts, depression, and disappointments that creep up on you. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for and you have accomplished so much and gained even more through your personal trials and struggles. Use your story, to help others and give others the tools they need to move forward. Be a shining example of what other can be, even if you have doubts yourself. You never know who will benefit from hearing your story and how your struggles might inspire someone else to move forward in their own life. Life is not easy, it is tough and demanding! Every day is a struggle through grief, strive and your own personal demons, but you can come far just by believing in yourself.
One last note that I would like to share with those of you who are going through your own recovery. Keep in mind that you will have to fight every day to overcome the urges and desires of your brain, but you can do it, you can overcome and be victorious, you have to keep going, even if you have a fall and slip up, don't give up you owe it to yourself and those that love you to keep trying and to live again. It is hard, and doesn't get easier, but I know you have found the strength to start this journey, now all you have to do is fight to make it through. Battle everyday, fight for what you want, and keep your head held up. There are others like you going through it and they too are struggling and you can help each other by sharing your testimony and your story for others to hear. Know that you are not alone, that I am fighting every day the same way you are and if you need me I am hear to offer you words of encouragement and guidance, pick up the phone, call, email, text, I will encourage you as much as I can.
As always you are in my hopes and dreams,
Uncle B
I am still battling with TD bank over the fraudulent charges that were put against my account back in July when Domeneck Lattella stole my iphone and debit card and tried to put through checks that weren't any good. If I could recover a portion of the money that he profited from against my account I would be in a much better financial situation. But, I am not sure what is going to happen with the bank and the decision that they had come to. I had told my friend Judy that I wasn't planning on staying with her longer than 90 days and that time is rapidly coming to a close and without the financial help of Ryan White or the Bank reversing their decision I am sort of stuck in the living situation that I am in.
I have found a house here in the Orlando area that is $800.00 a month and it includes all the utilities. I am excited that I was able to find the house, now I am struggling to come up with the move in money that the woman is looking for. I am hoping that everything falls into place and that I don't have to struggle to get into the house. It will be a great feeling to finally have a place over my head again, after being homeless for so long. I have come so far, and overcome so many hardships that it is time that something good finally falls into place. I am hoping that in the next couple of months I would have enough saved up that I will finally be able to get another car. In the 2 1/2 months that I have been in Orlando I have been able to clean up my act and get many of the things that I lost when I got screwed over in Jacksonville.
I know that things will eventually come out the way that they are supposed to. I have registered with Ryan White and let them know that I am in need of housing assistance and I am hoping that someone will be in contact with me soon and will be able to help me some towards getting into this place. It will certainly help me get into a better place and be able to stand on my own two feet again. After being adrift since 2017 to have a home base and firm foundation will be an achievement that I can be proud of. I thought that I was on the right track when I was in Jacksonville, but things went sideways so fast, and I ended up being on the streets again and that was extremely rough. I don't want to put myself in that type of situation again.
It has been my history that once things start going better the rug is pulled out from under me and I fall flat on my face. I have lost so many things over the past 20 years that these moments of achievement pale in comparison. I am not sure what the future holds but there are many programs out there that might be able to help me get further ahead then I have been before. I have been coasting for the past several years and just riding the ups and downs of life, and not trying to really embrace what things are happening around me any more. I gave up on my volunteer activities because I got wrapped up in my own little world and didn't want to burden those around me with the issues that I was facing, preferring to handle them on my own. But, the truth of the matter is that I was embarrassed, I got back involved with the drug culture of Daytona, and got sucked into the schemes and scams of those I associated with. Before, I knew it I was back on the street doing the same things that I was doing before when Kerry left me.
Now that I am away from that crowd and the influence of drugs I can see that others have followed in my footsteps and have begun the journey toward sobriety and recovery. Though not everything has been a disappointment and some of the gambles that I have taken have paid off, I am never the less concerned about where I am heading in the future. My direction at this point is unclear and people from my past have stopped talking to me altogether and I am not sure what that means. Originally I was hoping that I would be back up in the Atlanta area by the beginning of the new year but that doesn't look like that is even in the picture anymore. I have been talking to the Carol, the lady that owns the house that I am attempting to rent about doing a rent to own purchase from her. This would be something that would give me stable roots and something that I am extremely interested in. The truth of the matter is that I am hoping that this first year lease works out and that we get along well with the neighbors and the landlord and that opportunity is still on the table. That would definitely be something of a plus for me going forward. It has been a long time since I have owned my own place and it would be nice to finally have something to call my own again. A place that would continue in my family and be a legacy I could leave to others after I am gone.
Speaking of gone, my father is still very sick and isn't doing all that well with his treatments, which is also a disappointment to me. I don't know what I am going to do if both of my parents pass away, both seem to be going through their own series of medical issues and at the age of 70 they may not be around much longer, and I can't keep depending on them like I used too. This means that I have little time to get my stuff in order and get back on my feet, because once they are gone I will not have any other support system around me. Robert is in Fort Lauderdale and is married now and has a husband to worry about, and all my other close friends are in Atlanta or Pennsylvania, I am here in Florida on my own now. So much has happened over the past 6 years that it is impossible for me to know how my friends in Atlanta are fairing and if they are still doing the same stuff they were doing when I left, I am not sure I want to go back into that situation. Up until 2015 I was traveling up to Atlanta fairly often and was in contact with a lot of them but over the past 3 years my health and situation has changed and I am not as capable as I was before to travel up there and get myself wrapped up in the silly games I used to play around with.
I haven't heard from Kerry or Sterling since I first got to Orlando. I don't know if the plans that Kerry and I were talking about are still on the table or if he has changed his mind and is going about doing his own thing and not included me in those plans or what. Last I heard Sterling was heading out to Washington State to help his friend who was going through some heavy medical issues. So plans moving back to Georgia seem to be on hold indefinitely at this point.
Good news is that Dominic has gotten himself into rehab and will soon begin the program and that will benefit him in the long run. The waiting game is the hardest part right now. But we got him in and got him an ID, the program is supposed to help him with housing and job assistance both of which he needs for the future and will help cover some of the out of pocket expenses I am having to cover at the present time. The only draw back at this moment is that of transportation. I don't have a car and there doesn't look like there is going to be one on the horizon any time soon. I am hoping that our friends Nick and Justine who say they want to come to live with us in Orlando will be able to help me cover the rent and that will free my money up to help with transportation costs.
What I have discovered that with any plan there are bound to be many disappointments in life. It seems that every venture comes with its own share of disappointments, and issues. It is by coming through the disappointments and overcoming the issues or challenges, that we learn and grow. We don't ever start something knowing every nuance there is about it, and unforeseen things tend to crop up at the most inopportune moments, but it by these things that we mature and grow and learn how to deal with them. Life is full of excitement and challenges, but along with those comes the disappointments, the struggles and the of course the doubts. Yet, the rewards for doing a job well done and the feel of accomplishment outweigh the disappointments, discomforts, and tears that we shed over them.
No one ever promised us that life was going to be easy, or free from disappointments, nor did they tell us that it would get easier the further in life you go. No unfortunately, the challenges are going to remain the same or become greater the longer you are alive, the good thing is that the more you experience, the more you learn, the faster you grow, and the more knowledge and wisdom you obtain. Sometimes, it might seem easier to give in to hopelessness and despair, but believe me there isn't any reward in doing such. You will feel better about yourself, and gain more confidence and strength the harder you apply yourself to the situations you find yourself in. Even now as I am facing an uncertain future, and my health isn't the greatest it could be, I find myself in a hopeful place, a place where I can reflect on my past and I have a clear vision of what I have accomplished, what I have survived, what I have come through, what I continue to go through and I have a better more complete understanding of the struggles that I am facing today than I did yesterday. I have more hope today than I felt last month or even last year. I know that if nothing changes I will be alright and I can make it, I can survive and I will.
Don't give in to your despair and doubts, know and reflect constantly on your past and what you have accomplished, achieved and come through. In light of that the challenges of tomorrow won't seem so scary and you will be able to have more confidence in your decisions and your choices. Think smart, stay alert and be vigilante not to succumb to the doubts, depression, and disappointments that creep up on you. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for and you have accomplished so much and gained even more through your personal trials and struggles. Use your story, to help others and give others the tools they need to move forward. Be a shining example of what other can be, even if you have doubts yourself. You never know who will benefit from hearing your story and how your struggles might inspire someone else to move forward in their own life. Life is not easy, it is tough and demanding! Every day is a struggle through grief, strive and your own personal demons, but you can come far just by believing in yourself.
One last note that I would like to share with those of you who are going through your own recovery. Keep in mind that you will have to fight every day to overcome the urges and desires of your brain, but you can do it, you can overcome and be victorious, you have to keep going, even if you have a fall and slip up, don't give up you owe it to yourself and those that love you to keep trying and to live again. It is hard, and doesn't get easier, but I know you have found the strength to start this journey, now all you have to do is fight to make it through. Battle everyday, fight for what you want, and keep your head held up. There are others like you going through it and they too are struggling and you can help each other by sharing your testimony and your story for others to hear. Know that you are not alone, that I am fighting every day the same way you are and if you need me I am hear to offer you words of encouragement and guidance, pick up the phone, call, email, text, I will encourage you as much as I can.
As always you are in my hopes and dreams,
Uncle B
Friday, September 14, 2018
Trying to reconnect with my lost extended family
The lack of the ability to sleep. Is the classic definition of Insomnia and it is an affliction that I have been battling for a very long time. I used to joke that I lived a Vampire life with my use of drugs I would be up all hours of the night. When I lived in Atlanta I would get high and walk the streets, and I always had a house full of people that surrounded me, but still I felt isolated and alone. Now that I am finished with that life, I am still plagued by the sleepless nights and it is wearing on my heart and mind a lot lately.
I have been reaching out to friends from the past trying to reconnect with them, once I had my heart attack in July I began to realize how important those people were and are too me. Yet, I have talked to a few, I can't seem to get them all to communicate with me on a regular basis. So instead of sleeping at night now my thoughts have turned to them and I am worried about them and wonder what they are each up too. I must admit that I feel responsible in a major way for each of them. At one point or another they were in my life as a partner, boyfriend or lover and I am wondering if they are suffering and going through many of the same things that I went through.
I wonder if they are lonely, suffering, going through recovery, or are still stuck in the Vampire life that I have left behind. Many of these individuals I introduced to the world of the needle and at one point one of the people I was associated with called me the angel of Death. I often wonder if that name might not be appropriate. I cannot change what I did in the past, but I never once stopped caring about any of the people who I dated or were in my life. The world of meth and it's culture is something that I have been intimately associated with for the last 20 years or more. I have met a score of people, shared my home with them, my drugs, and life with them. As more and more of my peer group is disappearing to death, drugs and disease I worry more for them then ever before. I want to rekindle those past friendships and relationships and see what has become of them. I am not proud of the person I was, but I am not ashamed because of it either.
Because of my past experiences I have met so many wonderful, unique and quality individuals that have left a huge impact on my life and have taught me so very much about myself and humanity in general. I still have a dream in which I bring as many of these people back together in my life and we share once again our passions, dreams and ambitions. It was never my intention to close myself off from them or lose contact with them. It is something that just happened over time and distance. Though I have been sporadic in my contact with them. I am hoping that by reaching out now as I have been doing that I will at least get the chance to see each and every one of them again. As I have been posting for weeks now, my 50th birthday will soon be upon us. My hope and wish is that from my 50th birthday onward to find as many of these past friends and acquaintances and put back together my extended family. I am not sure where or how this is going happen yet, but I am hoping that it will present itself in the near future.
But as I started this post about insomnia I guess I should explain what is actually happening to me, and it seems to be getting worse instead of better. In the 1990's and 2000's I was introduced to Meth and was mainly a smoker of the drug until much later. Sleep and being a night owl were always a thing of mine, but I never really had a problem falling asleep till recently when I came back to Florida in 2012. Now it seems like I cannot sleep at night at all. I can nap during the day but as soon as the sun goes down I am up and restless the whole night through. You would be amazed and surprised at all the movies I watch on my computer. I am also writing more in my blog which is a good thing actually. It is more for my benefit than anyone else's at this point. It helps me sort out my feelings and is a good coping mechanism for my anxiety and helps keep me from falling head long into depression.
I am not sure if the insomnia is a psychological issue or if it is something that has become a habit that has been ingrained into my pattern and is something that I am going to have to fight to break out of. It really makes it hard to go to doctor appointments in the morning when I am up all night, then I am tired all the next day. For the past 5 days I have been feeling terrible and I have been sleeping almost the whole day through. But, as I laid down again this evening thoughts of everyone kept crowding my mind and I am wondering what has been happening with them and where are the all right now, are they safe, are they struggling and what is it that they need or are doing and it has kept my brain going crazy. I had a totally different post planned about insomnia when I sat down at the computer and now this is what has hit the screen. I am thinking that I am going to change the title to searching for my lost family and see how it is received.
I miss Xavier, Sterling, Madison, Vito, Sa'corey, Nathan, Bobby, Kodi, Joe, Scotter, Peanut, Cam, and Robert. All of them were my extended family and each of them brought something into my life that non of the others did. There were others like Gregg, Mike, Mike Z, Brad, Heather, William, Max, Norico, Isis, and so many others that I just can't name them all. Tonight I am sitting here at my computer and I am thinking about all of you guys, and the ones that we lost like Linda, and Mike Rose and a few of the others. Life has not been the same for me since I left Atlanta, and I miss my friends and family and I wish nothing more than the best for all of you and I hope that you are doing well and are successful in whatever endeavors your are involved in. But I miss my place in your life and I miss your friendship and your love. I wold love to have a chance to make up for all the mistakes I made and have you all around me to celebrate my 50th birthday that is coming up.
There are many of you who have been in and out of my life for years and you know how much you all mean to me and that I want only the best for you and hope that you. I will continue to reach out to the past and try and reconnect with as many of these people as I can and hope that life is treating them better than it has been for me. But I don't know what the future holds and life is too short for me to plan anything more than just telling you that I love you all and I want you all to be happy and healthy and that I would like to see you all again. I would like to bring the entire family back together again and see if the world isn't better and kinder to us this time around. I am done with the drugs that drove me away from getting close to many of you as I wanted to and tore us totally apart in the end and it is one of the many reasons that I left Atlanta to begin with. I have been looking at my past and wishing there was a way to change what I had done. But the truth of the matter is if I did go back I wouldn't be the same person I am today without our challenges and interactions that we had. I needed to move on for the time that I did and maybe it is time for me to come back home and try and mend the broken fences and lives as best as I can. Life is too short for regrets and grudges, it is time to let them go and see what we can build from the dust of our past and see what the future has in store for us.
I hope that some of you read this and know just how much I care about you all and how much you all mean to me. If it wasn't for you all I wouldn't be here today. I would have left this world a long time ago. I love you and miss you all very much.
Uncle B
I have been reaching out to friends from the past trying to reconnect with them, once I had my heart attack in July I began to realize how important those people were and are too me. Yet, I have talked to a few, I can't seem to get them all to communicate with me on a regular basis. So instead of sleeping at night now my thoughts have turned to them and I am worried about them and wonder what they are each up too. I must admit that I feel responsible in a major way for each of them. At one point or another they were in my life as a partner, boyfriend or lover and I am wondering if they are suffering and going through many of the same things that I went through.
I wonder if they are lonely, suffering, going through recovery, or are still stuck in the Vampire life that I have left behind. Many of these individuals I introduced to the world of the needle and at one point one of the people I was associated with called me the angel of Death. I often wonder if that name might not be appropriate. I cannot change what I did in the past, but I never once stopped caring about any of the people who I dated or were in my life. The world of meth and it's culture is something that I have been intimately associated with for the last 20 years or more. I have met a score of people, shared my home with them, my drugs, and life with them. As more and more of my peer group is disappearing to death, drugs and disease I worry more for them then ever before. I want to rekindle those past friendships and relationships and see what has become of them. I am not proud of the person I was, but I am not ashamed because of it either.
Because of my past experiences I have met so many wonderful, unique and quality individuals that have left a huge impact on my life and have taught me so very much about myself and humanity in general. I still have a dream in which I bring as many of these people back together in my life and we share once again our passions, dreams and ambitions. It was never my intention to close myself off from them or lose contact with them. It is something that just happened over time and distance. Though I have been sporadic in my contact with them. I am hoping that by reaching out now as I have been doing that I will at least get the chance to see each and every one of them again. As I have been posting for weeks now, my 50th birthday will soon be upon us. My hope and wish is that from my 50th birthday onward to find as many of these past friends and acquaintances and put back together my extended family. I am not sure where or how this is going happen yet, but I am hoping that it will present itself in the near future.
But as I started this post about insomnia I guess I should explain what is actually happening to me, and it seems to be getting worse instead of better. In the 1990's and 2000's I was introduced to Meth and was mainly a smoker of the drug until much later. Sleep and being a night owl were always a thing of mine, but I never really had a problem falling asleep till recently when I came back to Florida in 2012. Now it seems like I cannot sleep at night at all. I can nap during the day but as soon as the sun goes down I am up and restless the whole night through. You would be amazed and surprised at all the movies I watch on my computer. I am also writing more in my blog which is a good thing actually. It is more for my benefit than anyone else's at this point. It helps me sort out my feelings and is a good coping mechanism for my anxiety and helps keep me from falling head long into depression.
I am not sure if the insomnia is a psychological issue or if it is something that has become a habit that has been ingrained into my pattern and is something that I am going to have to fight to break out of. It really makes it hard to go to doctor appointments in the morning when I am up all night, then I am tired all the next day. For the past 5 days I have been feeling terrible and I have been sleeping almost the whole day through. But, as I laid down again this evening thoughts of everyone kept crowding my mind and I am wondering what has been happening with them and where are the all right now, are they safe, are they struggling and what is it that they need or are doing and it has kept my brain going crazy. I had a totally different post planned about insomnia when I sat down at the computer and now this is what has hit the screen. I am thinking that I am going to change the title to searching for my lost family and see how it is received.
I miss Xavier, Sterling, Madison, Vito, Sa'corey, Nathan, Bobby, Kodi, Joe, Scotter, Peanut, Cam, and Robert. All of them were my extended family and each of them brought something into my life that non of the others did. There were others like Gregg, Mike, Mike Z, Brad, Heather, William, Max, Norico, Isis, and so many others that I just can't name them all. Tonight I am sitting here at my computer and I am thinking about all of you guys, and the ones that we lost like Linda, and Mike Rose and a few of the others. Life has not been the same for me since I left Atlanta, and I miss my friends and family and I wish nothing more than the best for all of you and I hope that you are doing well and are successful in whatever endeavors your are involved in. But I miss my place in your life and I miss your friendship and your love. I wold love to have a chance to make up for all the mistakes I made and have you all around me to celebrate my 50th birthday that is coming up.
There are many of you who have been in and out of my life for years and you know how much you all mean to me and that I want only the best for you and hope that you. I will continue to reach out to the past and try and reconnect with as many of these people as I can and hope that life is treating them better than it has been for me. But I don't know what the future holds and life is too short for me to plan anything more than just telling you that I love you all and I want you all to be happy and healthy and that I would like to see you all again. I would like to bring the entire family back together again and see if the world isn't better and kinder to us this time around. I am done with the drugs that drove me away from getting close to many of you as I wanted to and tore us totally apart in the end and it is one of the many reasons that I left Atlanta to begin with. I have been looking at my past and wishing there was a way to change what I had done. But the truth of the matter is if I did go back I wouldn't be the same person I am today without our challenges and interactions that we had. I needed to move on for the time that I did and maybe it is time for me to come back home and try and mend the broken fences and lives as best as I can. Life is too short for regrets and grudges, it is time to let them go and see what we can build from the dust of our past and see what the future has in store for us.
I hope that some of you read this and know just how much I care about you all and how much you all mean to me. If it wasn't for you all I wouldn't be here today. I would have left this world a long time ago. I love you and miss you all very much.
Uncle B
Death comes for us all
Back in April my father found out that he had late stages of lung cancer. By the time that they found the large mass in his lungs he had already developed 2 matastasized tumors in his brain. Within a few days of finding out that he had cancer he was in the operating room and had brain surgery. He recovered from that rather quickly and seemed to be getting stronger. However, when I went to visit him in June he had started treatments and was feeling sick all the time. I must admit that my troubles in Daytona with my car, and then my wallet and checking account plus being in and out of the hospital all the time didn't help his situation. At one point he told me that I made his life miserable, why couldn't I just leave him alone and not make his death miserable. I was hurt because my father is my go to person whenever I am having problems and he has been there for me every single time that I needed his advice or rescuing. My step mother talk to me one afternoon after him and I had a fight and told me that the medication and the steroids they had my father on was making him angry and crouchy and that he didn't mean to hurt me.
However, in a way I think some of what he said to me that day was true. Over the past 6 years my dad has had to rescue me or bail me out at least 15 or 20 times. I got stranded in Atlanta, Ft. Lauderdale and struggled since my break up with Kerry. My dad was there for all the problems that Dominic and I had and all the fighting that him and I went through. Dad had to come and get me several times when the fighting became physical. My dad has been my rock and sounding board since I got sick in 2005 when he came to live with me and Joe and take care of me after my first couple of bowel resections. It is hard to think of the man who has been there for me so much in the past to be down and out like his right now. As a matter of fact his birthday is just a few days away and he is going to be 73 years old. It makes me feel bad that the last summer of his life I made him miserable and had him worried about me and my welfare when his own health was hanging in the balance. But the job of a parent doesn't ever end no matter what is happening. I am just learning this now.
I hope that my dad gets better and is able to read this post because I want to tell him that I am very appreciative of all the things that he has done for me and that I am thankful for all the times he has been there for me and that I am going to be lost without him. He is right that I never grew up and I don't know how to live on my own. I don't know how to deal with people and that I am better off on my own. Because I really don't have a clue as to what I am doing. I am very intelligent but I don't have any common sense at all. I was lucky when I met Joe Royer and I left Orlando and I went to Atlanta. He was the stabalizing force in my life, he had the practical knowledge on how to survive, and since him and I separated I have been drifting and struggling with people, emotions, and drugs. I found my refuge in my high and I used it to escape the reality of my situation and my disability.
I have some growing up to do. I have to figure out how I am going to survive on my own without having my dad as a safety net. He was correct that I could take chances in my life because I knew that he was right there and would help me pick up the peices of my life if I failed or made a mistake.
I have some growing up to do. I have to figure out how I am going to survive on my own without having my dad as a safety net. He was correct that I could take chances in my life because I knew that he was right there and would help me pick up the peices of my life if I failed or made a mistake.
Maybe I took that too much for granted, and didn't tell my dad as much as I needed to how much he meant to me. Now that I am sitting here this morning I am really scared and wondering what I am going to do if he dies. I know that sounds silly and selfish and pretty childish, but honestly I have never truly been on my own, all I had to do is pick up the phone and call my dad. Last night when I was told that my dad was in the hospital again, and that he wasn't doing all that well, I got to thinking about how much he means to me and what it would be like to loose him.
Apparently, according to my step mother he has contracted a virus and hasn't been eating or drinking and has not been in his right mind in a couple of days. He apparently doesn't always know who is around or where he is at. He mistook my brother for my step mothers son, who is in Ohio and not close by at this time. This makes me think back to the last few weeks of my friend Demario's life and how right before we got him to the hospital he was experiencing a similar episode and didn't remember leaving one hospital and being admitted at a different one. My friend never recovered after that and was gone in less than 10 days. I am hoping that this isn't the case with my father but I don't really know what to expect because this is my first time when I was extremely close with death. When my grandparents died I wasn't anywhere near them and couldn't tell you how they acted. But, I was there for Demario's passing and I know the struggles that he went through and I am seeing a similar pattern with my father.
I know that each of us has and allotted time upon the Earth and when it is our time it is our time to go. That there is nothing that is going to change that fact, but there is still the hope that more time will be granted if asked for. The mind and the body are incredible pieces of machinery that have the ability to adapt and overcome to a myriad of illnesses and disabilities. The human brain can cause miracles to happen and heal wounds by sheer though power alone. But I also believe in the healing power of prayer. I believe that God has a plan for each of our lives and that He is the ultimate physician and can heal the body totally and instantly.
I would ask all of you to keep my family, especially my father Bryan Zepp Sr. in your prayers. Because I don't think that it is quite his time to go just yet. I would ask for prayers of total and complete recovery and the lessening of pain so that he is comfortable.
Please do this for me.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Saturday, September 8, 2018
No take backs
What's done is done and I cannot change the facts. All I can do is face the results of my decisions and take responsibility for my actions. For several years I was an advocate and public speaker, volunteer and committee member of the PCHAP in Volusia county. I worked closely with a gentleman named Jeff Allen and he introduced me in to the world of advocacy and education. It is with a heavy heart that I am writing this tonight because on July 28th in a tragic accident Jeff lost his life and left behind his life partner and best friend Jim Geary. It is to my everlasting shame that I wasn't there for Jim or the other members of the Positive Champions Speakers Bureau through the loss of their leader and mentor Jeff.
In 2014 my life started to fall apart at the seems my lover Kerry Rutherford Jr. left me and went back to Atlanta, and from there I started on the downward spiral. What transpired in my life was not triggered by the my loss of my friend and partner alone, but I made it worse by my turning back to drugs and dependence on them to get me through the day. I was in and out of the hospital from 2014 to 2017 with chronic renal failure, Hep C and Renal Carcinoma and esophagus cancer. Financial issues and homelessness became a constant struggle for me and I soon lost the ability to volunteer and attend the duties that I had signed up for.
Jeff was there for me during these times, would come see me and talk to me whenever I picked up the phone and called him. Jeff, understood me and accepted me for the person I was with all of my flaws and all because he suffered from similar addictions and knew the battle that I was facing. I never saw sympathy or ridicule in his eyes only love, compassion and understanding. He always had a kind word for me and a smile and told me that I was welcome back when I got my life turned around. Unfortunately, my turning around of my life took too long and I have lost my friend and champion when he passed away.
I have finally gotten through my own recovery and I am healthy again, I won my battle with cancer and hep C and I have overcome the addiction issues that were holding me back. I wish my friend Jeff could have lived to see my victory. He was and is an inspiration to me and his story has helped me deal with my own issues and move forward with my life. I am so glad that I met him when I did and he helped me in so many ways. He was the one who encouraged me to write and helped me get myself together a few times over the past 7 years or so. It is my hope that I will be able to leave my imprint on this world in a loving manner that he did. I may not be the advocate or champion that he was, and I may not have made as many contributions to the HIV/AIDS community as he has done. But he encouraged me to write and to help others through my writing and I have continued to do that despite my struggles.
I can only hope that my life will be an inspiration and testimony like his was. He was a shining beacon of light and hope that drew others together to champion a cause. He was relentless and once started something fought for victory and would accept nothing less.
I cannot take back my actions and I have no way to change what has come to pass already, all I have the ability to do is continue forward and make positive changes in my life and help as many people as I can by following his example. When I see a need I need to address it in the appropriate manner and strive to make a permanent change in our world. Equality, fear and persecution are still things that we as a community are still fighting for and against today. Jeff had a huge heart and a loud voice that was heard around the world and throughout our community. I can only hope and pray that my voice will carry like his did.
As I stated earlier there are no take backs but there are areas for which improvement can be made and I would like to dedicate myself in the memory of my friend Jeff Allen to always fight for the underdog, advocate for greater equality and better funding and healthcare, housing and the needs of the HIV/AIDS community.
I am going to miss my friend more then ever. But I hope that I can do some good and effect positive change in this world.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you, Jeff, I hope that you are Mary are looking down and can see that you both impact my life in different ways, but have been the driving force behind many of my actions.
I am going to miss you my friends and I will see you soon.
Bryan
In 2014 my life started to fall apart at the seems my lover Kerry Rutherford Jr. left me and went back to Atlanta, and from there I started on the downward spiral. What transpired in my life was not triggered by the my loss of my friend and partner alone, but I made it worse by my turning back to drugs and dependence on them to get me through the day. I was in and out of the hospital from 2014 to 2017 with chronic renal failure, Hep C and Renal Carcinoma and esophagus cancer. Financial issues and homelessness became a constant struggle for me and I soon lost the ability to volunteer and attend the duties that I had signed up for.
Jeff was there for me during these times, would come see me and talk to me whenever I picked up the phone and called him. Jeff, understood me and accepted me for the person I was with all of my flaws and all because he suffered from similar addictions and knew the battle that I was facing. I never saw sympathy or ridicule in his eyes only love, compassion and understanding. He always had a kind word for me and a smile and told me that I was welcome back when I got my life turned around. Unfortunately, my turning around of my life took too long and I have lost my friend and champion when he passed away.
I have finally gotten through my own recovery and I am healthy again, I won my battle with cancer and hep C and I have overcome the addiction issues that were holding me back. I wish my friend Jeff could have lived to see my victory. He was and is an inspiration to me and his story has helped me deal with my own issues and move forward with my life. I am so glad that I met him when I did and he helped me in so many ways. He was the one who encouraged me to write and helped me get myself together a few times over the past 7 years or so. It is my hope that I will be able to leave my imprint on this world in a loving manner that he did. I may not be the advocate or champion that he was, and I may not have made as many contributions to the HIV/AIDS community as he has done. But he encouraged me to write and to help others through my writing and I have continued to do that despite my struggles.
I can only hope that my life will be an inspiration and testimony like his was. He was a shining beacon of light and hope that drew others together to champion a cause. He was relentless and once started something fought for victory and would accept nothing less.
I cannot take back my actions and I have no way to change what has come to pass already, all I have the ability to do is continue forward and make positive changes in my life and help as many people as I can by following his example. When I see a need I need to address it in the appropriate manner and strive to make a permanent change in our world. Equality, fear and persecution are still things that we as a community are still fighting for and against today. Jeff had a huge heart and a loud voice that was heard around the world and throughout our community. I can only hope and pray that my voice will carry like his did.
As I stated earlier there are no take backs but there are areas for which improvement can be made and I would like to dedicate myself in the memory of my friend Jeff Allen to always fight for the underdog, advocate for greater equality and better funding and healthcare, housing and the needs of the HIV/AIDS community.
I am going to miss my friend more then ever. But I hope that I can do some good and effect positive change in this world.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you, Jeff, I hope that you are Mary are looking down and can see that you both impact my life in different ways, but have been the driving force behind many of my actions.
I am going to miss you my friends and I will see you soon.
Bryan
Time Progression
Time marches swiftly on and waits for no one. Hours turn to days, days into months, and months into years. Nights blend to days as the earth travels around the sun, those months turn to seasons and the seasons mark the year. Nothing can bind the hands of time. Like a tightly wound spring our lives slowly wind down as the second hand ticks around the clock. Life has a limited amount of a lotted time. Like a grandfather clock that is wound daily and eventually winds down so does the body wind down. Wrinkles, gray hair and other signs are developed and shows the passage of time.
Days and night blend together with the lack of sleep I achieve, and still the night rushes towards the dawn. My mind clings to the events of the day and I can't seem to relax and let go. Up each night as hours count down, yet sleep eludes me this way. Every passing day my strengths wain and I sit in bed with demons yet to be slain. I don't really know if I am rational and sane, I just know that I can't continue on this way.
I never thought to reach this age, growing old has always frightened me. Now I am facing the end of youth and I see the writing on the wall. Though my days seem to speed up and my ending is coming soon. I never thought that my body would hold together for as long as it has. I have passed through the Spring and Summer of my life and now I am entering the Fall, before I know it it will be the winter of my life and I will see you no more.
When I was younger I could put so many things into a day, now I barely have time for mundane things. My days and night blend in motion and month pass so quickly. Years have seemed to pass in a blink of an eye, and what have I accomplished? What is the mark that I leave upon this world?
It is you my fellow friends those whose lives I have touched and made a difference in. You will be the ones that will carry me forward and remember me once I am gone. Nothing lasts forever, I hope that you will keep my spirit alive and in your heart. I have tried to be fair to all around me and spread my love and charity. It is my wish that you take my life as an example and gather hope and inspiration from how I have lived.
I have made many choices that have left me wounded and broken. I have learned from them and have tried to share those experiences with you. You are my legacy the ones that will remember me. Your thoughts of me will keep me alive in perpetuity. I love you all and wouldn't change a thing that I have done, I have gained knowledge and strength through every battle I have won. Keep me alive in your hearts and minds and I will live on forever. Hope, spirit, and vitality I bequeath to you and wish you a long and happy journey.
I have left so many opportunities unexplored and let my fear hold me back from becoming more than I am. I am a prisoner of my own design and I leave no regrets behind. As I age and grow older I have learned many things. One of them is that I love you all and I am glad to call you friend. Without knowing you I wouldn't have become the person that I am and I am thankful for the memories that you have given me. I wish I would have been better towards you and never made mistakes, but perfection isn't something that is granted man.
Every day that passes by I am looking for a chance to prove just how much this life has meant to me and I look to leave a lasting monument or testament to my life and I can't think of one. I have only you my friends and the work that I have left behind. My fondest wish was to make life easier for each of you and to show you that no matter what Hope is a gift that can survive through anything. I have had cancer, illness, tragedy and despair and through it all I have never lost my hope or faith. This is what I want for you to find and learn to live by.
Please understand there were so many things that I wanted to do and leave behind and unfortunately I have run out of time. It is late in my life that I have come to this. I put my talents and passions to the side and I chose business as my life, and though I brought some creativity into the field with my computer programs and designs. I could have done so much more if I would have followed my heart and chose writing as my career. I haven't created any memorable or lasting characters to leave behind. I have only my life and the lessons I have learned that I can leave to you. I never finished any of the books I have started and I haven't made it to the fame and fortune I once desired. I will only be remembered as your friend and I hope that you truly remember everything that we have been through.
Now as things wind down towards the close, I wonder if the curtain will rise again and show me another glorious morn. Sun bright and shining, birds gayly chirping and cattle nearby lowing those are the sounds that I hope to hear when the sun rises in the morning. I could have done so much more, been so much more but I was content to live my life this way. I made the most of each and everyday that I got to spend with you and I hope that you feel the same way. Some of you might not remember or it might be who could be wrong, but there is a strength with each new dawn. There is a promise in the air that things won't matter when this life is through, I often wonder if this is true.
I should have done more, helped more, and accomplished more, but I settled way too easily and turned my thoughts aside to help those I thought needed me at the time. Nothing was ever easy that is for sure, I struggled against the system and did things my own way. I didn't care if they were right or wrong as long as I got my way. Now, when I look back and see those eager faces I wished I would have told you more that you meant so much to me. It was you that I used to keep my troubles at bay. For as long as I remained focused on you, I could forget my shame and pain for just a little while. Several years ago I turned aside from my quest for fame, and decided that the best way to leave my name was to work through you to help you too. In that way I gained a measure of satisfaction and drove away my pain. I found inspiration in your need and felt so useful, but much to my chagrin I am not needed ever again. I am used up and my time is fading and I have nothing left but the waiting. I hope you understand that you helped me as much as I tried to help you, you were my distraction, the only way I knew to focus my gaze away from my faults and limitations. Through you I have searched and seeked redemption.
As this journey draws to an end I hope that you will remember that I was and always shall be your friend. I did my best and hope it was enough to give you the rest that you needed along the way. I hope that you see me in each new day.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
please read my entry called Marching Onward of Time
Days and night blend together with the lack of sleep I achieve, and still the night rushes towards the dawn. My mind clings to the events of the day and I can't seem to relax and let go. Up each night as hours count down, yet sleep eludes me this way. Every passing day my strengths wain and I sit in bed with demons yet to be slain. I don't really know if I am rational and sane, I just know that I can't continue on this way.
I never thought to reach this age, growing old has always frightened me. Now I am facing the end of youth and I see the writing on the wall. Though my days seem to speed up and my ending is coming soon. I never thought that my body would hold together for as long as it has. I have passed through the Spring and Summer of my life and now I am entering the Fall, before I know it it will be the winter of my life and I will see you no more.
When I was younger I could put so many things into a day, now I barely have time for mundane things. My days and night blend in motion and month pass so quickly. Years have seemed to pass in a blink of an eye, and what have I accomplished? What is the mark that I leave upon this world?
It is you my fellow friends those whose lives I have touched and made a difference in. You will be the ones that will carry me forward and remember me once I am gone. Nothing lasts forever, I hope that you will keep my spirit alive and in your heart. I have tried to be fair to all around me and spread my love and charity. It is my wish that you take my life as an example and gather hope and inspiration from how I have lived.
I have made many choices that have left me wounded and broken. I have learned from them and have tried to share those experiences with you. You are my legacy the ones that will remember me. Your thoughts of me will keep me alive in perpetuity. I love you all and wouldn't change a thing that I have done, I have gained knowledge and strength through every battle I have won. Keep me alive in your hearts and minds and I will live on forever. Hope, spirit, and vitality I bequeath to you and wish you a long and happy journey.
I have left so many opportunities unexplored and let my fear hold me back from becoming more than I am. I am a prisoner of my own design and I leave no regrets behind. As I age and grow older I have learned many things. One of them is that I love you all and I am glad to call you friend. Without knowing you I wouldn't have become the person that I am and I am thankful for the memories that you have given me. I wish I would have been better towards you and never made mistakes, but perfection isn't something that is granted man.
Every day that passes by I am looking for a chance to prove just how much this life has meant to me and I look to leave a lasting monument or testament to my life and I can't think of one. I have only you my friends and the work that I have left behind. My fondest wish was to make life easier for each of you and to show you that no matter what Hope is a gift that can survive through anything. I have had cancer, illness, tragedy and despair and through it all I have never lost my hope or faith. This is what I want for you to find and learn to live by.
Please understand there were so many things that I wanted to do and leave behind and unfortunately I have run out of time. It is late in my life that I have come to this. I put my talents and passions to the side and I chose business as my life, and though I brought some creativity into the field with my computer programs and designs. I could have done so much more if I would have followed my heart and chose writing as my career. I haven't created any memorable or lasting characters to leave behind. I have only my life and the lessons I have learned that I can leave to you. I never finished any of the books I have started and I haven't made it to the fame and fortune I once desired. I will only be remembered as your friend and I hope that you truly remember everything that we have been through.
Now as things wind down towards the close, I wonder if the curtain will rise again and show me another glorious morn. Sun bright and shining, birds gayly chirping and cattle nearby lowing those are the sounds that I hope to hear when the sun rises in the morning. I could have done so much more, been so much more but I was content to live my life this way. I made the most of each and everyday that I got to spend with you and I hope that you feel the same way. Some of you might not remember or it might be who could be wrong, but there is a strength with each new dawn. There is a promise in the air that things won't matter when this life is through, I often wonder if this is true.
I should have done more, helped more, and accomplished more, but I settled way too easily and turned my thoughts aside to help those I thought needed me at the time. Nothing was ever easy that is for sure, I struggled against the system and did things my own way. I didn't care if they were right or wrong as long as I got my way. Now, when I look back and see those eager faces I wished I would have told you more that you meant so much to me. It was you that I used to keep my troubles at bay. For as long as I remained focused on you, I could forget my shame and pain for just a little while. Several years ago I turned aside from my quest for fame, and decided that the best way to leave my name was to work through you to help you too. In that way I gained a measure of satisfaction and drove away my pain. I found inspiration in your need and felt so useful, but much to my chagrin I am not needed ever again. I am used up and my time is fading and I have nothing left but the waiting. I hope you understand that you helped me as much as I tried to help you, you were my distraction, the only way I knew to focus my gaze away from my faults and limitations. Through you I have searched and seeked redemption.
As this journey draws to an end I hope that you will remember that I was and always shall be your friend. I did my best and hope it was enough to give you the rest that you needed along the way. I hope that you see me in each new day.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
please read my entry called Marching Onward of Time
Thursday, September 6, 2018
Confessions of an Addict
I woke up in a haze and wondered how if today was the day I would change my ways.
You came in and handed me a syringe and there I start my endless binge.
A wake me up, a pick me up and then a shot to make it through, my days flash through and it was all I knew.
Something missing the search is on, but it was well and truly gone, no one saw, never touched and still it can't be found it's nearly dawn.
I don't know where I am going to lay my head, I have been on my feet and walked on and on I am nearly dead.
I am broke and fading, I spent the day contemplating and still I can't figure out what's the joke.
No food no home I am on my own, so it down the streets I roam.
Homeless and worried about my high never thinking that I should ask my self why?
I have given my all to those around me, shared and tried to be fair, but in the end it is me that is left with nothing to show and my cupboards are still bare.
Every day the endless cycle begins, I don't know how to make it end, I am stuck and alone with nothing to call my own.
That is they way I feel each and every day, I know I have got to find another way,
But all my friends are just like me full of false hope and drudgery.
My days and night were filled with hopeless despair until I decided that realized that it was all more than I could bear so made a change and left it all behind and I chose a different path to grind.
Now things are so much better than they were before and I don't feel like my life is at chaos and war.
*********
This is dedicate to all those who I have left behind who are still struggling and railing against the grand design. I hope that soon you will find peace that comes with recovery and clear headedness.
All my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
You came in and handed me a syringe and there I start my endless binge.
A wake me up, a pick me up and then a shot to make it through, my days flash through and it was all I knew.
Something missing the search is on, but it was well and truly gone, no one saw, never touched and still it can't be found it's nearly dawn.
I don't know where I am going to lay my head, I have been on my feet and walked on and on I am nearly dead.
I am broke and fading, I spent the day contemplating and still I can't figure out what's the joke.
No food no home I am on my own, so it down the streets I roam.
Homeless and worried about my high never thinking that I should ask my self why?
I have given my all to those around me, shared and tried to be fair, but in the end it is me that is left with nothing to show and my cupboards are still bare.
Every day the endless cycle begins, I don't know how to make it end, I am stuck and alone with nothing to call my own.
That is they way I feel each and every day, I know I have got to find another way,
But all my friends are just like me full of false hope and drudgery.
My days and night were filled with hopeless despair until I decided that realized that it was all more than I could bear so made a change and left it all behind and I chose a different path to grind.
Now things are so much better than they were before and I don't feel like my life is at chaos and war.
*********
This is dedicate to all those who I have left behind who are still struggling and railing against the grand design. I hope that soon you will find peace that comes with recovery and clear headedness.
All my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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