Have you ever found yourself the object of attention, someone's ideal but they don't see you at all. All they really see is the outside, they can't seem to get past the face, the eyes, the mouth, the body. What they like are your looks and honestly don't care about anything else. They seem to worship your body, dream of conquering you. Oh, and never forget the entire time they are telling you how much they care and love you. How they lie and twist your feelings by telling you what they think you want to hear. They play on your insecurities making you think you can't live without them, using up your emotions and spitting them out. Never truly getting to know the real you. You know the one that is inside, yearning to be taken for more than granted.
Now, when you are young you might think that this type of behavior is fun, that you are wanted, loved and even cared for, but what happens when you are all used up and kicked to the side, replaced with someone younger than you, but as cute as you used to be? Though it maybe cool for a little while to have others stop and stare, but it will get old in the end there is so much more than being shallow. You must realize that they have no intention of ever getting to know you, they only want your body. They only see the physical and dismiss the intellectual. I know how lonely that can be! I know how you long to be seen as a whole mind, body and soul. I want you to know my friend you may feel alone and lost seeking love. Have patience and faith your match will come someday at last. Surround yourself with true friends, the ones who look within and see the person and potential you have.
Open your eyes to those around you who really know you, you may just find your love among them. They have seen you at your worst and at your best and love you none the less. Dare to be different and look inside of everyone you meet. See their courage, talent and potential, get past that exterior mask they wear, especially if you want something that lasts. Tear down the walls and the masks dare to love the one inside, force it into the light so it can't hide. Honestly no one likes to be looked at as a conquest or piece of meat.
I hope this poem opens up and expresses what I am trying to say.
When people look at me what do they see?
Do they look beyond my face, eyes and smile?
Why do they only see the body dreaming of what might be.
But they don't know me.
They judge my words and deeds,
But never ever take the chance to see.
Fawning and pawing trying to get to me.
But they don't know me.
Fluttering and chivying, vieing for a place
But all they could see is just my body and my face
Lying cheating trying to seduce
But they don't know me.
Words of lies are aimed to disarm, claiming to care
it is just the mask they wear.
They take and take and never give
But they don't know me.
Oh why won't they take the chance to look inside of me
I have a heart of gold and a love so deep.
But they don't know me.
I feel alone in a crowd
wishing you could hear my thoughts out loud.
I am more than I appear
But you have wasted your shot my dear.
You should have gotten to know me!
I am not a saint, but I am kind
I don't cheat or lie.
And do you know why?
Because I am me
a Man of Integrity.
I wrote this for me and a couple of friends who are going through this right now. I know how it hard it is too find love and acceptance, and to be lusted after with a vengeance. Take heart, your true love is out there and when you find them you'll never part.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Monday, August 20, 2012
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Can you pin point the defining moment in your life in which your world changed? Here is where mine did
I want to talk to you about inspiration, about those people that have touched your life and have shown you that there is strength and power by living through or overcoming a personal tragedy. I know you have heard me before that I find inspiration in a lot of things that happen around me. But there is so much more to my story that I think you might find interesting. I would like to take you back 22 years with me into my personal history. There is a story there that needs to be retold. I am sure it will enlighten a great many of you, and explain some of my more hard to understand habits. To give you a little background filler before I dive into the actual story, I graduated high school in 1986 in June, by September 1986 I was starting my adventure in the Navy.
Just so that you understand this totally, I knew already by that time that I was gay. I embraced my nature and used my time in the Navy to explore my sexuality. You may have heard me say a time or two that I have no regrets and feel no remorse for any of my actions. However, after reading my friends post the other day, and then writing the blog entry "It's never too late to learn something new about ourselves" and then "True Friendship" I began to realize that I do have one regret. One unforgivable action/reaction on my part, that was to have the biggest wide ranging affect on my life. This one deed would change me, it was a defining moment in my history, that changed my outlook on everything, it was the single most terrifying experience of my life, and the horrible and damnable action that ensured that I would never treat anyone cavalierly again.
It was December 1, 1989 my 21st birthday, I had met someone in 1987 when I was first transferred from Great Lakes to Norfolk, VA. He was a marine and at the time I thought he was stationed at Portsmouth Naval Hospital. We really liked each other, but here I was very young and naive and what he was about to tell me that night so long ago changed my life forever. Some of you who are close to me may already know this, so at this point I must ask you to bear with me let me retell the story, because I am sure that there are parts here that you are unaware of. To celebrate my birthday we had gotten a hotel room for the weekend in Norfolk and we had a fun filled fabulous weekend all planned. Both of us were off duty for the weekend and we were going to celebrate my birthday in style. Oh, how I wished that was what happened, but that night as we were getting ready to celebrate my coming of age, I was soaking in the bathtub, we had planned to go out to dinner first and then go to the Oar House, a gay bar in Norfolk, because I could legally drink and enjoy myself. But as I said none of that ever happened.
I am not sure what prompted him to reveal to me that very night what he did, and I guess I will never know the reason why. But as I was sitting there soaking, he came into the bathroom, he had a ring in a little box, as he bent down to give it too me he stopped and kissed me and said, I have to tell you something. I was so excited I immediately begged for him to tell me, and what unfolded pretty much ruined our plans, and certainly my actions doomed the entire relationship in that one instant. He said to me "Bryan, I have to be honest with you, because I love you and want to spend my life with you, but there is something you need to know. I am not stationed at Portsmouth like I let you believe, I am a patient there:" He held my hand and looked me in the eye and I saw tears forming and I got very scared, I begged for him to tell me. This is what he said "I am HIV Positive and I am here for treatment, do you know what HIV is? You do realize that it is going to kill me, I don't know how long I have or how this is all going to pan out, but I want to spend what time I have with you." My heart sank at that moment and we both sat there crying. I tried to be brave, but guess what I didn't understand, I didn't know enough about the disease and I was scared. We stayed in that night, but the next morning I made the single most fatal mistake I could ever make. I made an excuse, took his car and left, I avoided him for the next two days, leaving him a message that I had parked his car at his barracks and had given the keys to the master at arms. He called and called and I wouldn't take his calls, finally I gave in on the third day. We had lunch at the commissary, and he tried to talk to me, reassure me, but again, I was young and very very dumb. I pretended I was listening, I shook my head and made the proper acknowledgements, and then I left. It would be almost 2 months before we would see each other again.
In that two months, I learned everything I could about the disease, I called my mother who was a nurse, I talked to the doctors at the Naval hospital to find out how they were treating him, and when I felt comfortable enough and armed enough with enough knowledge I went back to see him, to apologize for my behavior and my reaction, but fate would have it another way. The drugs they were throwing at patients back then, were nothing like they are now. Doctors had no real idea of what they were doing, and the combination of AZT and other medicines blasted the body, in attempts to kill the virus, but it also destroyed the remaining immune system. Now, realize that 2 months had passed since I was told, and he had found out he was sick 6 months earlier, and by the next month he would be gone forever. Worse than anything, he never ever got to hear my apology, and will never know that the last 2 months of his life I was there with him every day and night around my duty schedule. See, by the time I had finally come to my senses and realized that he needed me and that there was nothing to be afraid of, AIDS related dementia had set in. There were a couple of days when he was lucid and seemed to remember things, but in the end the very last day, his family was there and I walked into the room and he look up and said "Who the fuck are you? and What are you doing here?" I had lost him, he died that afternoon, and never knew how sorry I was, how I regretted my actions, how I robbed him of the only happiness that he wanted. How I cheated him and betrayed his love and trust.
It is because of what happened that day in March 1990 that I changed my life, the way I approached things, I became the person I am today. I dedicated my life to loving and helping others, to care for those sick and to fight for their rights, I marched on Washington with the other people that were affected by HIV/AIDS, I have participated in the PRIDE marches, became an advocate and activist working to find a cure. He was the first person I lost to the disease but unfortunately not the last. In 2002 I lost my one of my best friends he just celebrated his 31st birthday, and there have been so many others. People always want to know why I go out of my way to help others, why I give away everything I have trying to make other peoples lives better, why I reach my hand out to teach them how to take care of themselves and why I struggled to keep people off the street. Here is the reason why! I never got to say good-bye, I never could apologize or take back my actions for deserting my first lover to the cruel clutches of a disease I barely understood. But, I damn well could make up for it and atone for what I did for the rest of my life. It has been 23 years now, and I still feel the same way. But now I am not just affected by the disease I am infected. In December of 2006, I was diagnosed with HIV, I immediately went on the retro-virals and antivirals because of my medical history. I have been undetectable ever since.
In the past I have heard people describe me as being fake and phony, even two-faced, and why? Because everyone thought I was too good to be true, they couldn't believe that I was so nice, they kept trying to see where the other foot was coming down from. Because they believed that no one could be nice and loving and kind like I have been. Over the years many people have taken advantage of my kindness they took it for a weakness and tried to exploit it. Sadly some succeeded, but most came to realize over time, that I was just what I appeared to be, someone who genuinely loved other people, regardless of their health, race, sexual orientation, creed, culture, whatever. Those who took the time to get to know me realized that I was the same year after year and time after time.
Now, I am going to take a minute and pat myself on the back and sing my own praises. I am sure John, Sa'corey, Patrick, Judy, Nathan, Kerrion and others can attest and will tell you I am not lying about this. In my lifetime I have helped hundreds of people, taken them in off the street, giving them food, shelter and whatever else I could to help them, taught them how to look after themselves, some I helped get into school, get a job, or whatever they needed at the time. To the world at large I never let anyone outside of my intimate circle ever know how hard I struggled, how much it cost me, I never had an unkind word to say about anyone, and I gave till it physically hurt me, almost crippled me, but never stopped. I had a job where I was making $150,000.00 a year and literally I gave everything away over and over again. Yes I did drive an Infiniti G-35 and I did make sure I had decent clothes and shoes, but I dedicated my life to helping other people. I didn't realize until recently that other people saw this and drew inspiration from it. That I helped them realize the goodness inside themselves and helped them reach a point in their lives where they wanted to become a better person, they took my life as an example. I am honored and blessed by this, and I think it is a glowing tribute to the person I have become, and shining memorial to the one I lost. But there's more to the story.
In January of 2005, almost 14 years after I was first diagnosed with cancer, which came in 1992 when I was 24 years old and 2 years my beautiful marine had died. I had to have the first of many surgeries which would change my life in another direction forever. This is when I had to have a colostomy put in, for those of you who don't know what a colostomy is, it is a bag that is attached to my stomach where my crap comes out. I know longer have the use of my rectum. But I digress, in January 2005 was the first time that I came face to face with my mortality and it was when God and I had our first talk. Whether you believe me or not, it really doesn't matter, because I believe what happened and that is what governs my life. I died on the operating table and I saw God or an Angel, and I had a long conversation with Him. I was told that my work on Earth was not done that there was a message that I needed to take back with me, and that I needed to keep doing what I was doing but show the world by deed and action as well as through my dedication to helping others, the message was and still is very simple. I was told to tell everyone that they were wrong, had missed the point of what Jesus said and why He died and for the last 8 years I have been doing just that.
For whatever reason the church seems hung up on the Old Testament. They seem to have forgotten that when Jesus hung on the cross that something amazing and wonderful happened. The covenant between Abraham and God was broken, that the gulf created by original sin was now bridged and that a new covenant was created between Jesus and man, that we were no longer under the law, but saved by Grace. That our sins were washed away by the innocent blood of Christ. Now, under this new covenant Jesus had given His disciples 4 commandments. If we live by these and abide by them, then we are ensured a place in Heaven. Now, I tell you that the 10 commandments of the Old Testament are good to live by and they ensure you to be a good person, but they will not get you into Heaven, that boat sailed and has passed. Under the new covenant, is based on LOVE, the message of Christ is of LOVE, UNITY AND ACCEPTANCE. The commandments that are given are: Do unto others as you would have done unto you, love thy neighbor as thy self. All one commandment...second commandment is Children obey your parents so that your days will be many, third is I am the way the truth and the light and no one comes to the father except through me. I am the alpha and the omega the beginning and the end. Fourth is to go out and be fishers of men, meaning witness, testify, live your life as an example and be like Jesus.
It is important to understand these, because the message that the church is still sending out today is one of intolerance, bigotry and hatred. They condemn anyone who thinks or acts differently then they do. Jesus live a live of love, tolerance and acceptance, bringing unity to everywhere he went. He didn't hang out with the religious leaders, he ministered, preached and helped the common man, poor man, the outcast, the thief, prostitutes, etc. He treated everyone equally with love and respect and he expects nothing less of us today.
Even though I have been told time and again that I am not going to make it, that I am going to die and that having 6 terminal illnesses should be devastating for me. I keep replying and telling them, it isn't my time yet, I have work yet to do, and though you may think that I am going to die, the truth is that we are all dying at different rates each day. That I was planning on out living them all. See I know that since I have dedicated my life to helping others and giving of myself that God is going to continue to keep me and reward me, that is all that matters. So won't you join me on this journey, won't you turn over your life to helping others, give of yourself and spread the word of Love, Unity and Acceptance?
Think about it would you? If you honestly believe in God and trust that Jesus died for our sins, you will come to realize that the message is clear and plain for anyone to see. All you have to do is follow. He has been waiting right here for 2000 years few have found the message and the path. He said it was the road less traveled and that few would find the path and the gate.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Just so that you understand this totally, I knew already by that time that I was gay. I embraced my nature and used my time in the Navy to explore my sexuality. You may have heard me say a time or two that I have no regrets and feel no remorse for any of my actions. However, after reading my friends post the other day, and then writing the blog entry "It's never too late to learn something new about ourselves" and then "True Friendship" I began to realize that I do have one regret. One unforgivable action/reaction on my part, that was to have the biggest wide ranging affect on my life. This one deed would change me, it was a defining moment in my history, that changed my outlook on everything, it was the single most terrifying experience of my life, and the horrible and damnable action that ensured that I would never treat anyone cavalierly again.
It was December 1, 1989 my 21st birthday, I had met someone in 1987 when I was first transferred from Great Lakes to Norfolk, VA. He was a marine and at the time I thought he was stationed at Portsmouth Naval Hospital. We really liked each other, but here I was very young and naive and what he was about to tell me that night so long ago changed my life forever. Some of you who are close to me may already know this, so at this point I must ask you to bear with me let me retell the story, because I am sure that there are parts here that you are unaware of. To celebrate my birthday we had gotten a hotel room for the weekend in Norfolk and we had a fun filled fabulous weekend all planned. Both of us were off duty for the weekend and we were going to celebrate my birthday in style. Oh, how I wished that was what happened, but that night as we were getting ready to celebrate my coming of age, I was soaking in the bathtub, we had planned to go out to dinner first and then go to the Oar House, a gay bar in Norfolk, because I could legally drink and enjoy myself. But as I said none of that ever happened.
I am not sure what prompted him to reveal to me that very night what he did, and I guess I will never know the reason why. But as I was sitting there soaking, he came into the bathroom, he had a ring in a little box, as he bent down to give it too me he stopped and kissed me and said, I have to tell you something. I was so excited I immediately begged for him to tell me, and what unfolded pretty much ruined our plans, and certainly my actions doomed the entire relationship in that one instant. He said to me "Bryan, I have to be honest with you, because I love you and want to spend my life with you, but there is something you need to know. I am not stationed at Portsmouth like I let you believe, I am a patient there:" He held my hand and looked me in the eye and I saw tears forming and I got very scared, I begged for him to tell me. This is what he said "I am HIV Positive and I am here for treatment, do you know what HIV is? You do realize that it is going to kill me, I don't know how long I have or how this is all going to pan out, but I want to spend what time I have with you." My heart sank at that moment and we both sat there crying. I tried to be brave, but guess what I didn't understand, I didn't know enough about the disease and I was scared. We stayed in that night, but the next morning I made the single most fatal mistake I could ever make. I made an excuse, took his car and left, I avoided him for the next two days, leaving him a message that I had parked his car at his barracks and had given the keys to the master at arms. He called and called and I wouldn't take his calls, finally I gave in on the third day. We had lunch at the commissary, and he tried to talk to me, reassure me, but again, I was young and very very dumb. I pretended I was listening, I shook my head and made the proper acknowledgements, and then I left. It would be almost 2 months before we would see each other again.
In that two months, I learned everything I could about the disease, I called my mother who was a nurse, I talked to the doctors at the Naval hospital to find out how they were treating him, and when I felt comfortable enough and armed enough with enough knowledge I went back to see him, to apologize for my behavior and my reaction, but fate would have it another way. The drugs they were throwing at patients back then, were nothing like they are now. Doctors had no real idea of what they were doing, and the combination of AZT and other medicines blasted the body, in attempts to kill the virus, but it also destroyed the remaining immune system. Now, realize that 2 months had passed since I was told, and he had found out he was sick 6 months earlier, and by the next month he would be gone forever. Worse than anything, he never ever got to hear my apology, and will never know that the last 2 months of his life I was there with him every day and night around my duty schedule. See, by the time I had finally come to my senses and realized that he needed me and that there was nothing to be afraid of, AIDS related dementia had set in. There were a couple of days when he was lucid and seemed to remember things, but in the end the very last day, his family was there and I walked into the room and he look up and said "Who the fuck are you? and What are you doing here?" I had lost him, he died that afternoon, and never knew how sorry I was, how I regretted my actions, how I robbed him of the only happiness that he wanted. How I cheated him and betrayed his love and trust.
It is because of what happened that day in March 1990 that I changed my life, the way I approached things, I became the person I am today. I dedicated my life to loving and helping others, to care for those sick and to fight for their rights, I marched on Washington with the other people that were affected by HIV/AIDS, I have participated in the PRIDE marches, became an advocate and activist working to find a cure. He was the first person I lost to the disease but unfortunately not the last. In 2002 I lost my one of my best friends he just celebrated his 31st birthday, and there have been so many others. People always want to know why I go out of my way to help others, why I give away everything I have trying to make other peoples lives better, why I reach my hand out to teach them how to take care of themselves and why I struggled to keep people off the street. Here is the reason why! I never got to say good-bye, I never could apologize or take back my actions for deserting my first lover to the cruel clutches of a disease I barely understood. But, I damn well could make up for it and atone for what I did for the rest of my life. It has been 23 years now, and I still feel the same way. But now I am not just affected by the disease I am infected. In December of 2006, I was diagnosed with HIV, I immediately went on the retro-virals and antivirals because of my medical history. I have been undetectable ever since.
In the past I have heard people describe me as being fake and phony, even two-faced, and why? Because everyone thought I was too good to be true, they couldn't believe that I was so nice, they kept trying to see where the other foot was coming down from. Because they believed that no one could be nice and loving and kind like I have been. Over the years many people have taken advantage of my kindness they took it for a weakness and tried to exploit it. Sadly some succeeded, but most came to realize over time, that I was just what I appeared to be, someone who genuinely loved other people, regardless of their health, race, sexual orientation, creed, culture, whatever. Those who took the time to get to know me realized that I was the same year after year and time after time.
Now, I am going to take a minute and pat myself on the back and sing my own praises. I am sure John, Sa'corey, Patrick, Judy, Nathan, Kerrion and others can attest and will tell you I am not lying about this. In my lifetime I have helped hundreds of people, taken them in off the street, giving them food, shelter and whatever else I could to help them, taught them how to look after themselves, some I helped get into school, get a job, or whatever they needed at the time. To the world at large I never let anyone outside of my intimate circle ever know how hard I struggled, how much it cost me, I never had an unkind word to say about anyone, and I gave till it physically hurt me, almost crippled me, but never stopped. I had a job where I was making $150,000.00 a year and literally I gave everything away over and over again. Yes I did drive an Infiniti G-35 and I did make sure I had decent clothes and shoes, but I dedicated my life to helping other people. I didn't realize until recently that other people saw this and drew inspiration from it. That I helped them realize the goodness inside themselves and helped them reach a point in their lives where they wanted to become a better person, they took my life as an example. I am honored and blessed by this, and I think it is a glowing tribute to the person I have become, and shining memorial to the one I lost. But there's more to the story.
In January of 2005, almost 14 years after I was first diagnosed with cancer, which came in 1992 when I was 24 years old and 2 years my beautiful marine had died. I had to have the first of many surgeries which would change my life in another direction forever. This is when I had to have a colostomy put in, for those of you who don't know what a colostomy is, it is a bag that is attached to my stomach where my crap comes out. I know longer have the use of my rectum. But I digress, in January 2005 was the first time that I came face to face with my mortality and it was when God and I had our first talk. Whether you believe me or not, it really doesn't matter, because I believe what happened and that is what governs my life. I died on the operating table and I saw God or an Angel, and I had a long conversation with Him. I was told that my work on Earth was not done that there was a message that I needed to take back with me, and that I needed to keep doing what I was doing but show the world by deed and action as well as through my dedication to helping others, the message was and still is very simple. I was told to tell everyone that they were wrong, had missed the point of what Jesus said and why He died and for the last 8 years I have been doing just that.
For whatever reason the church seems hung up on the Old Testament. They seem to have forgotten that when Jesus hung on the cross that something amazing and wonderful happened. The covenant between Abraham and God was broken, that the gulf created by original sin was now bridged and that a new covenant was created between Jesus and man, that we were no longer under the law, but saved by Grace. That our sins were washed away by the innocent blood of Christ. Now, under this new covenant Jesus had given His disciples 4 commandments. If we live by these and abide by them, then we are ensured a place in Heaven. Now, I tell you that the 10 commandments of the Old Testament are good to live by and they ensure you to be a good person, but they will not get you into Heaven, that boat sailed and has passed. Under the new covenant, is based on LOVE, the message of Christ is of LOVE, UNITY AND ACCEPTANCE. The commandments that are given are: Do unto others as you would have done unto you, love thy neighbor as thy self. All one commandment...second commandment is Children obey your parents so that your days will be many, third is I am the way the truth and the light and no one comes to the father except through me. I am the alpha and the omega the beginning and the end. Fourth is to go out and be fishers of men, meaning witness, testify, live your life as an example and be like Jesus.
It is important to understand these, because the message that the church is still sending out today is one of intolerance, bigotry and hatred. They condemn anyone who thinks or acts differently then they do. Jesus live a live of love, tolerance and acceptance, bringing unity to everywhere he went. He didn't hang out with the religious leaders, he ministered, preached and helped the common man, poor man, the outcast, the thief, prostitutes, etc. He treated everyone equally with love and respect and he expects nothing less of us today.
Even though I have been told time and again that I am not going to make it, that I am going to die and that having 6 terminal illnesses should be devastating for me. I keep replying and telling them, it isn't my time yet, I have work yet to do, and though you may think that I am going to die, the truth is that we are all dying at different rates each day. That I was planning on out living them all. See I know that since I have dedicated my life to helping others and giving of myself that God is going to continue to keep me and reward me, that is all that matters. So won't you join me on this journey, won't you turn over your life to helping others, give of yourself and spread the word of Love, Unity and Acceptance?
Think about it would you? If you honestly believe in God and trust that Jesus died for our sins, you will come to realize that the message is clear and plain for anyone to see. All you have to do is follow. He has been waiting right here for 2000 years few have found the message and the path. He said it was the road less traveled and that few would find the path and the gate.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
True Friendship
As I have told you before finding those true friends is a rare and beautiful thing. When you find them you need to hold on to them and cherish them. I have one friend that pops into mind almost immediately. This man has been with me through so many things, yes, we have had our problems, and fights, but somehow we have always managed to get past them and work it out. My best friend Jason was there with me the night that I found out I was HIV Poz. He sat with me on my bed at my house and held me, and we talked and talked for hours. This was a very cold night back in December of 2006, it was just a week after he had learned himself that he was HIV positive. I drew strength and courage from him even though he was a lot younger than me.
But, let me tell you a little bit about my friend Jason, see we had met several years earlier when I was still in the Navy and he lived in Chicago, we had lost touch and drifted far apart. However, our story was far from finished. See in 1997 I moved to Atlanta with my lover Joe Royer, and shortly after us being in Atlanta we bought a house in the suburbs. Now, Joe and I were in the party scene and for those of you who have been following my blog from the beginning will immediately realize that when I say party scene, I am talking about methamphetamines. Joe and I had met a guy who was a porn star, who just so happened to have the same birthday as Joe. This young man and I eventually became deeply connected in many ways, and through him I met a lot of people. I mean a lot! Anyhow this guy kept talking about wanting to meet up with this other guy, Joe kept saying that he knew him that he had paid the guy to have sex with him before I ever met Joe. Now, they kept talking about this person that they both knew by a different name, which turned out to be his middle name. Which I won't reveal here because no one needs to know and those that are involved in this story already know, so it doesn't matter.
Vito, who was the young porn star, that Joe and I met convinced me one day to take him out to meet his friend. So I drove out to Roswell, GA to pick up this friend and from what I gathered we were all coming back to my place to party and have a good time. Now when we got there Vito told me to park and stay in the car, he didn't want his friend to know he was hanging out with a white guy at first, he didn't know how his friend would react, and that he wanted to break it to him slowly. Well, long story short they sat outside of the car talking for almost an hour, and when they got in the car, Vito went to introduce us. I looked over my shoulder and started laughing because here was my best friend Jason, as I have said someone I met while I was in Chicago. Now, the reason why I never put the Vito and Joe's friend together with Jason was because they kept calling him by his middle name, which like I said I won't reveal here, but that is why as they were talking about this guy it never dawned on me that I might already know him. Here is an interesting tidbit that you might want to keep in mind, whenever I am introduced to someone, that is the name I remember them by. So years ago in Chicago I was introduced to Jason as Jason and to this day that is what I still call him. Though everyone one else uses his middle name.
Vito, and Jason started seeing each other, Vito was staying at my house with me and Joe, so Jason was around quite a bit. The thing with this is that there has always been a bond with Jason that has transcended that of other people. I grew close and attached to him in such a way, that it is hard to explain. Everybody, and I mean everybody loved Jason and wanted to jump in the sack with him and have sex. I will be honest with you that he is a gorgeous man, and yes I am physically attracted to him, he is a very light skinned black man, with an amazing body and a piece of equipment that was beyond large...let's just say OMG! But, there was something different about my relationship with Jason that made others so jealous and curious about. Yes, we have had sex on several occasions and we partied together for years and years, but it has never been about that for us truly. Here was somebody that I could talk to, confide in, who despite our different backgrounds and culture seem to be able to do the same with me. What is sad is that a week before I found out that I was positive Jason had found out he was positive. He was angry with Joe and Vito, because Joe knew that Vito was positive and hadn't warned Jason. I can tell you in all honesty I don't think there was any love lost between Jason and Joe anyway, because as I have mentioned above, Joe had been bragging that he had slept with Jason and had paid him to have sex. Now, Jason and I had talked extensively about this topic and anything else you can think of and I knew that Jason had done it because he needed the money that he wasn't attracted to Joe and had no feelings for him in that capacity at all. I can tell you this to this day Joe still questions why my relationship with Jason is different from his, and why was Jason comfortable having sex and being around me but didn't feel the same ways about Joe. Honestly, I think the difference was that, Jason and I never intended to have a sexual relationship, it happened, but we were friends first and foremost and everything else just followed.
So here you have our history, but I want to talk to you about the man and the friend that I have in Jason and others, because yes my friends it is possible to have more than one best friend in your life, and I will admit that I have 6 total. I am going to talk about all of them, and show you how each one of them has been the embodiment of "True Friendship". But since we are already talking about Jason, I am going to finish up with him and his ex Vito, who I guess in a round about way I can say was our ex, because both Jason and I had a sexual relationship with Vito and were together for quite awhile. You could even liken it to a 3-way relationship, I don't know if Jason will agree with me, but pretty much it is true, they were dating and I was right there in it with them from beginning to end, and having sex with both, so in a way, yeah it was definitely a bizarre love triangle.
Let me tell you why my friendship with Jason is so special and important to me, and why no matter what we are going through or where we are at, we shall always be friends. All of you should know that I have been battling cancer since 1992, but it wasn't till 2005 that I had to have bowel resection surgery and have the colostomy bag put in place. This man, my friend Jason was there through it all, he knew me before I had the bag and he stayed my friend well after it was put into place. Jason was the first to realize how the bag had shattered my self-confidence and plunged me into a deep dark depression, how I felt like I was a cripple and thought that I was always going to be an outcast and unwanted in the Gay world because I was broken and not a whole man anymore. But you know what he accepted me for who I was, he saw past those bags, he forced me to face the world. He proved to me that I was someone worthwhile and that I had a lot to offer. Literally he helped me find my self-esteem again. He was also the one who stood up for me, he backed anyone down that wanted to criticize or hurt me. Let me digress again quickly to tell you about this guy that I had met on Adam4Adam a gay hook up site, how everything was good and cool until I told him that I had cancer and I had the bag. Now I told this guy about the bag so that there wouldn't be any surprises, even then I felt that I needed to let people know ahead of time what they were getting into. Well, when I told the guy about the bag, he wrote "Oh my god you freak, your a monster, you almost made me throw up, you totally fucked up my buzz". Let me tell you how I burst into tears, and broke down because this was my greatest fear come to life. You know what Jason did, he fixed the guy good, got him on line and got him to come over. Not revealing that he was at my house or knew me, and when the guy got to the house, I opened the door and let him have it. By the way I am still friends with the guy today, his name is Xander and after he got to know me he turned out to be not such a bad guy at all but it was Jason who got him there and got me to face him and overcome my fear.
Jason and I have been through a lot, he has always been my biggest defender and champion. Though we are from different worlds and cultures I know that he has my back, he would never let anyone ever hurt me. I know he knows I'd do the same for him. There were nights/mornings back in 2011 that he would call me up at 2 or 3 am and ask me to come and rescue him and pick him up and get him out of messy situations. There was a time when my ex Sterling was talking to another guy name Jo-Jo and how Sterling was telling him how our relationship ended and how he was going to get back at me for all the things I had done to him, when I least expected it and it couldn't be traced back to him. I called Jason and Nathan and asked them to come and get me, to make sure that nothing happened to me and without questioning it they came. Nathan, is Jason's best friend and old roommate, someone that I was madly in love with and dated for a short period of time. He too is a great friend and someone that I know I can trust. Nathan, found out I was out of the hospital back in 2010, just showed up, wrapped his arms around me when I opened the door and hugged and kissed me and told me he was glad I was alright and he would be back in a bit, after he dropped the truck and his friend off. Nathan came back and stayed for 4 days, to make sure I ate and nursed me back to health. I love him still to this day.
Before I go any further, about what true friendship is and what it means to me, there are still several other people that I have to mention and bring to your attention, two of these I have known a very very long time. The first is my best friend John, we met while I was in the Navy and home on leave and he had just graduated high school. John and I have been friends all this time, we have lived together, moved to Atlanta and went to college together and been through some really hellatious times together. John was the person that helped me realize that I had lost myself somewhere in my relationship with Joe, that I had let the physical and mental abuse rob me of the person that I was. He pointed out to me that I used to be the person that knew where he wanted to go and made my own path, and when I saw something I just went out there and did it. That I didn't need people making decisions for me that I was a leader, and others drew strength from me. If it wasn't for the efforts of John that November day in 2010 when I had left Jason in my apartment, yes we were living together, and I ask John to come and get me because my dog Little Bit was taken from me which was the straw that broke the camels back, the Bryan that is writing all of this for you would still be lost today. Everything I have been through all the challenges and lost years I wouldn't change any of that for the world. The next friend is Patrick, we went to the same church when we were younger. His father was the minister and my mother was the church secretary. I spent a lot of time at their house growing up and actually became a part of the family. His mother and sisters are still in my life today and are really close. As a matter of fact earlier this evening I had to go to the emergency room because of an infection in my abdomen. Patrick, John, Kerry, and Lorna and I were texting and chatting via Facebook the entire time I was in the hospital. Kerry I just mentioned above, is also a good friend, always has kind words of encouragement and is a great inspiration to me, because he had a brain aneurysm, and never let it slow him down, he is a song writer, composer and singer and just signed a record deal. I can honestly say I knew him when. Now, just to give you a little more background on Kerry and I, once again I found myself in a strange love triangle 3-way relationship with him and Will that lasted almost 4 years off and on. But through all the stress, trials, abuse, anger, and drugs, we are still so very close today. He was also the only friend that I have that offered to drop whatever he was doing and come and take care of me when he found out how sick I was. Last but not least is my friend Judy whom I met in 1992 and we are still friends today, she is my rock my sounding board, and when my life and energy is out of alignment, one phone call to her and my world starts going right again.
The point that I was wanted to make, is pretty simple. There are few really genuine and sincere people that are going to come into your life, you are going to feel an almost immediate connection with them, and from that develops a life long friendship that nothing is ever going to break. But what is a true friend? It is some who you can talk to, confide in. They are there for you and you are there for them no matter what the circumstance. They are there to help you pick up the pieces of your shattered heart when your relationships go south, they are who you lean on when the world has turned upside and you are lost and don't know where to turn. You do the same for them. A true friend is someone that you need to have in your life, they are the holders of your secrets and you theirs. In other words, these are your confidants, those you know who you can totally trust one hundred percent. You know beyond any shadow of doubt that they have only your best interest and welfare at heart.
A true friend is someone that you keep coming back too time and again no matter how many problems and fights you have had. Time has a way of healing and easing the pain more quickly with these people. There is an empty hole inside of you when you are fighting and you feel complete and whole once you have made up. They are steadfast, stalwart, trustworthy, and accept you unconditionally for who you are, including your faults and strengths. They are the ones that are going to think of you first when both of you are in trouble, and they come running whenever you need them.
Cherish them, love them, tell them how much you appreciate them. Let them know that you realize what they had done for you, and how they have been therefore you and saved you. Let them know how much you care because relationships come and go, people come and go, but true friends stick it out, hang tough, and are very rare.
I love you Jason, Judy, Nathan, John, Patrick, Kerrion, Vito you are my friends my network of people, the only ones who have taken the time to get to know the real me, and inspite of that you love me just the same. My life wouldn't be the same without you, I might not have made it as far as I have if wasn't for your kindness and your support. Thank You, for all you have done and continue to do. Thank you Dear Lord for putting them in my life and letting us still be friends after all these years.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
But, let me tell you a little bit about my friend Jason, see we had met several years earlier when I was still in the Navy and he lived in Chicago, we had lost touch and drifted far apart. However, our story was far from finished. See in 1997 I moved to Atlanta with my lover Joe Royer, and shortly after us being in Atlanta we bought a house in the suburbs. Now, Joe and I were in the party scene and for those of you who have been following my blog from the beginning will immediately realize that when I say party scene, I am talking about methamphetamines. Joe and I had met a guy who was a porn star, who just so happened to have the same birthday as Joe. This young man and I eventually became deeply connected in many ways, and through him I met a lot of people. I mean a lot! Anyhow this guy kept talking about wanting to meet up with this other guy, Joe kept saying that he knew him that he had paid the guy to have sex with him before I ever met Joe. Now, they kept talking about this person that they both knew by a different name, which turned out to be his middle name. Which I won't reveal here because no one needs to know and those that are involved in this story already know, so it doesn't matter.
Vito, who was the young porn star, that Joe and I met convinced me one day to take him out to meet his friend. So I drove out to Roswell, GA to pick up this friend and from what I gathered we were all coming back to my place to party and have a good time. Now when we got there Vito told me to park and stay in the car, he didn't want his friend to know he was hanging out with a white guy at first, he didn't know how his friend would react, and that he wanted to break it to him slowly. Well, long story short they sat outside of the car talking for almost an hour, and when they got in the car, Vito went to introduce us. I looked over my shoulder and started laughing because here was my best friend Jason, as I have said someone I met while I was in Chicago. Now, the reason why I never put the Vito and Joe's friend together with Jason was because they kept calling him by his middle name, which like I said I won't reveal here, but that is why as they were talking about this guy it never dawned on me that I might already know him. Here is an interesting tidbit that you might want to keep in mind, whenever I am introduced to someone, that is the name I remember them by. So years ago in Chicago I was introduced to Jason as Jason and to this day that is what I still call him. Though everyone one else uses his middle name.
Vito, and Jason started seeing each other, Vito was staying at my house with me and Joe, so Jason was around quite a bit. The thing with this is that there has always been a bond with Jason that has transcended that of other people. I grew close and attached to him in such a way, that it is hard to explain. Everybody, and I mean everybody loved Jason and wanted to jump in the sack with him and have sex. I will be honest with you that he is a gorgeous man, and yes I am physically attracted to him, he is a very light skinned black man, with an amazing body and a piece of equipment that was beyond large...let's just say OMG! But, there was something different about my relationship with Jason that made others so jealous and curious about. Yes, we have had sex on several occasions and we partied together for years and years, but it has never been about that for us truly. Here was somebody that I could talk to, confide in, who despite our different backgrounds and culture seem to be able to do the same with me. What is sad is that a week before I found out that I was positive Jason had found out he was positive. He was angry with Joe and Vito, because Joe knew that Vito was positive and hadn't warned Jason. I can tell you in all honesty I don't think there was any love lost between Jason and Joe anyway, because as I have mentioned above, Joe had been bragging that he had slept with Jason and had paid him to have sex. Now, Jason and I had talked extensively about this topic and anything else you can think of and I knew that Jason had done it because he needed the money that he wasn't attracted to Joe and had no feelings for him in that capacity at all. I can tell you this to this day Joe still questions why my relationship with Jason is different from his, and why was Jason comfortable having sex and being around me but didn't feel the same ways about Joe. Honestly, I think the difference was that, Jason and I never intended to have a sexual relationship, it happened, but we were friends first and foremost and everything else just followed.
So here you have our history, but I want to talk to you about the man and the friend that I have in Jason and others, because yes my friends it is possible to have more than one best friend in your life, and I will admit that I have 6 total. I am going to talk about all of them, and show you how each one of them has been the embodiment of "True Friendship". But since we are already talking about Jason, I am going to finish up with him and his ex Vito, who I guess in a round about way I can say was our ex, because both Jason and I had a sexual relationship with Vito and were together for quite awhile. You could even liken it to a 3-way relationship, I don't know if Jason will agree with me, but pretty much it is true, they were dating and I was right there in it with them from beginning to end, and having sex with both, so in a way, yeah it was definitely a bizarre love triangle.
Let me tell you why my friendship with Jason is so special and important to me, and why no matter what we are going through or where we are at, we shall always be friends. All of you should know that I have been battling cancer since 1992, but it wasn't till 2005 that I had to have bowel resection surgery and have the colostomy bag put in place. This man, my friend Jason was there through it all, he knew me before I had the bag and he stayed my friend well after it was put into place. Jason was the first to realize how the bag had shattered my self-confidence and plunged me into a deep dark depression, how I felt like I was a cripple and thought that I was always going to be an outcast and unwanted in the Gay world because I was broken and not a whole man anymore. But you know what he accepted me for who I was, he saw past those bags, he forced me to face the world. He proved to me that I was someone worthwhile and that I had a lot to offer. Literally he helped me find my self-esteem again. He was also the one who stood up for me, he backed anyone down that wanted to criticize or hurt me. Let me digress again quickly to tell you about this guy that I had met on Adam4Adam a gay hook up site, how everything was good and cool until I told him that I had cancer and I had the bag. Now I told this guy about the bag so that there wouldn't be any surprises, even then I felt that I needed to let people know ahead of time what they were getting into. Well, when I told the guy about the bag, he wrote "Oh my god you freak, your a monster, you almost made me throw up, you totally fucked up my buzz". Let me tell you how I burst into tears, and broke down because this was my greatest fear come to life. You know what Jason did, he fixed the guy good, got him on line and got him to come over. Not revealing that he was at my house or knew me, and when the guy got to the house, I opened the door and let him have it. By the way I am still friends with the guy today, his name is Xander and after he got to know me he turned out to be not such a bad guy at all but it was Jason who got him there and got me to face him and overcome my fear.
Jason and I have been through a lot, he has always been my biggest defender and champion. Though we are from different worlds and cultures I know that he has my back, he would never let anyone ever hurt me. I know he knows I'd do the same for him. There were nights/mornings back in 2011 that he would call me up at 2 or 3 am and ask me to come and rescue him and pick him up and get him out of messy situations. There was a time when my ex Sterling was talking to another guy name Jo-Jo and how Sterling was telling him how our relationship ended and how he was going to get back at me for all the things I had done to him, when I least expected it and it couldn't be traced back to him. I called Jason and Nathan and asked them to come and get me, to make sure that nothing happened to me and without questioning it they came. Nathan, is Jason's best friend and old roommate, someone that I was madly in love with and dated for a short period of time. He too is a great friend and someone that I know I can trust. Nathan, found out I was out of the hospital back in 2010, just showed up, wrapped his arms around me when I opened the door and hugged and kissed me and told me he was glad I was alright and he would be back in a bit, after he dropped the truck and his friend off. Nathan came back and stayed for 4 days, to make sure I ate and nursed me back to health. I love him still to this day.
Before I go any further, about what true friendship is and what it means to me, there are still several other people that I have to mention and bring to your attention, two of these I have known a very very long time. The first is my best friend John, we met while I was in the Navy and home on leave and he had just graduated high school. John and I have been friends all this time, we have lived together, moved to Atlanta and went to college together and been through some really hellatious times together. John was the person that helped me realize that I had lost myself somewhere in my relationship with Joe, that I had let the physical and mental abuse rob me of the person that I was. He pointed out to me that I used to be the person that knew where he wanted to go and made my own path, and when I saw something I just went out there and did it. That I didn't need people making decisions for me that I was a leader, and others drew strength from me. If it wasn't for the efforts of John that November day in 2010 when I had left Jason in my apartment, yes we were living together, and I ask John to come and get me because my dog Little Bit was taken from me which was the straw that broke the camels back, the Bryan that is writing all of this for you would still be lost today. Everything I have been through all the challenges and lost years I wouldn't change any of that for the world. The next friend is Patrick, we went to the same church when we were younger. His father was the minister and my mother was the church secretary. I spent a lot of time at their house growing up and actually became a part of the family. His mother and sisters are still in my life today and are really close. As a matter of fact earlier this evening I had to go to the emergency room because of an infection in my abdomen. Patrick, John, Kerry, and Lorna and I were texting and chatting via Facebook the entire time I was in the hospital. Kerry I just mentioned above, is also a good friend, always has kind words of encouragement and is a great inspiration to me, because he had a brain aneurysm, and never let it slow him down, he is a song writer, composer and singer and just signed a record deal. I can honestly say I knew him when. Now, just to give you a little more background on Kerry and I, once again I found myself in a strange love triangle 3-way relationship with him and Will that lasted almost 4 years off and on. But through all the stress, trials, abuse, anger, and drugs, we are still so very close today. He was also the only friend that I have that offered to drop whatever he was doing and come and take care of me when he found out how sick I was. Last but not least is my friend Judy whom I met in 1992 and we are still friends today, she is my rock my sounding board, and when my life and energy is out of alignment, one phone call to her and my world starts going right again.
The point that I was wanted to make, is pretty simple. There are few really genuine and sincere people that are going to come into your life, you are going to feel an almost immediate connection with them, and from that develops a life long friendship that nothing is ever going to break. But what is a true friend? It is some who you can talk to, confide in. They are there for you and you are there for them no matter what the circumstance. They are there to help you pick up the pieces of your shattered heart when your relationships go south, they are who you lean on when the world has turned upside and you are lost and don't know where to turn. You do the same for them. A true friend is someone that you need to have in your life, they are the holders of your secrets and you theirs. In other words, these are your confidants, those you know who you can totally trust one hundred percent. You know beyond any shadow of doubt that they have only your best interest and welfare at heart.
A true friend is someone that you keep coming back too time and again no matter how many problems and fights you have had. Time has a way of healing and easing the pain more quickly with these people. There is an empty hole inside of you when you are fighting and you feel complete and whole once you have made up. They are steadfast, stalwart, trustworthy, and accept you unconditionally for who you are, including your faults and strengths. They are the ones that are going to think of you first when both of you are in trouble, and they come running whenever you need them.
Cherish them, love them, tell them how much you appreciate them. Let them know that you realize what they had done for you, and how they have been therefore you and saved you. Let them know how much you care because relationships come and go, people come and go, but true friends stick it out, hang tough, and are very rare.
I love you Jason, Judy, Nathan, John, Patrick, Kerrion, Vito you are my friends my network of people, the only ones who have taken the time to get to know the real me, and inspite of that you love me just the same. My life wouldn't be the same without you, I might not have made it as far as I have if wasn't for your kindness and your support. Thank You, for all you have done and continue to do. Thank you Dear Lord for putting them in my life and letting us still be friends after all these years.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Friday, August 17, 2012
It is never to late to learn something new about ourselves
A good friend of mine posted on his Facebook page this today:
"If I could change one thing from my past I would live life to the fullest and be reborn. Meaning I would give my all. I would snatched the shirt off my back to give to a homeless person in need . I would refrain from being selfish ( as I once was). And furthermore I would rewrite many misconceptions that others had about the true ME!
THEY WILL NEVER KNOW THE REAL ME !!!!!"
"If I could change one thing from my past I would live life to the fullest and be reborn. Meaning I would give my all. I would snatched the shirt off my back to give to a homeless person in need . I would refrain from being selfish ( as I once was). And furthermore I would rewrite many misconceptions that others had about the true ME!
THEY WILL NEVER KNOW THE REAL ME !!!!!"
I will be honest this got me to really think about life and living and the past from the present. I love it when I can find inspiration from something someone else has learned or discovered about themselves. I am sure by now you are all familiar with my poem called "Frienemies" and if your aren't then I suggest you go read it. Because it talks all about those that are close to you and claim to be your friend but are talking shit about you behind your back and doing everything they can to undermine you and your life. Now, as I have said the person who wrote this is a very good friend of mine and someone I have known for the past two years, and I can tell you that the person he is today is not the person that he was when I met him. He is kind and considerate now, where before the world revolved around him, and he was all about what you could do for him. Now, as you can imagine we are the polar opposites, I am the one who had the kind heart, the giving nature, and struggled to get past those misconceptions he talks about in his post. Because, unlike most people I am not the type that is going to be scared away easily, I look at a person and I see their soul, I see their potential and if there is something there that I like I stick it out. Now, I can tell you that we weren't always close, that his way of dealing with things was not mine, and vice versa. But I can tell you this, that as this post shows it is never too late to learn something about yourself and make a change.
My blog has been from the very beginning about the inward journey one must take to reach enlightenment, it addresses the daily concerns of living and gives real world examples on how to overcome and avoid life's little obstacles that fall in our way. I applaud my friend for his self realization that he was self-centered, egotistical, and selfish, however I can say that my experience with him has always been a different kind. He didn't treat me like he did others, and maybe it was because I was as different from him as he was from me, but it seemed that our friendship grew very quickly to becoming very close. I learned a lot from him, how to spot when people are taking advantage of me, and how to handle myself in just about any situation, that I didn't have to avoid confrontation. I am not sure if he learned anything from me yet, but that is okay. Because like I said in a couple of my earlier blogs, that each and every person comes into our lives for a reason, a specific purpose. I also believe that there are 3 types of people that are constantly in our lives. These are Teachers, Students, and Confidants, depending on the situation and need you find yourself in, is where you find which role you are playing at any given point. I know from first hand experience that at times I have been the teacher, and have helped lots of people in my life and taught them how to take care of themselves and love themselves and how to be a better person. But I have also been a student and have learned from others. As for the confidant role you can be that for anyone, I know that they are rare and when you have found yours hang on to them.
A confidant is someone you consider to be your best friend, it is who you talk to the most, confide in, you talk all the time, they are there for you and you are there for them no matter what the circumstance. They are there to help you pick up the pieces of your shattered heart when your relationships go south, they are who you lean on when the world has turned upside and you are lost and don't know where to turn. You do the same for them. I have a best friend that I have known since High School, we talk every day, and it is neat! Now, there have been times when we didn't talk, when we had issues with each other and gone our separate ways, but somehow, we manage to always get past those times and come back together. A confidant is someone that you need to have in your life, they are the holders of your secrets and you theirs.
The reason why I re-posted my friends Facebook post here is because I wanted to use it to bring home a point. The point is this, we are never to old to learn something new about ourselves. It is never too late to make a conscious change and better ourselves. Inner reflection is the key to changing the way you view yourself, and when your perspective changes, so does your outlook on life and everything that happens around you. His post strikes a cord in my heart, and makes me excited that his view and perception of himself is changing and that he has the desire to become a different and better Him than he was. But as in all things if you look hard enough there is a lesson here to be found as well. This being that of rewriting the misconceptions about the real person. What I know and he will learn is that there is nothing we can do with how a person perceives us, the only true way to dispel misconceptions about who we are or were is by fighting through them and getting to know the real person behind them. However, I know exactly how difficult that can be. Yet, no matter what you do people are still going to have preconceived notions about who your are and what you represent. They are going to feed off of the misconceptions that have been presented them, and before you know it your are built up to be something you totally aren't.
As in my friends case here wishing he could go back and re-write them is a noble sentiment, but that is just that! He has changed his focus, realized where he needed to change and has done so. That alone is what is going to make the difference going forward. What has happened in the past is in the past and cannot be undone or changed. All we have is what is before us, and if you truly want to make yourself a better more likeable person, you are just going to have to do it. Remember that actions speak louder than words, and deeds that prove will last a lifetime and be a testament to your change.
What I want you to take away from here tonight is this. We are all on a journey, it is a spiritual journey, a journey of awakening, a journey of self-discovery and learning. We need to take each encounter that we have and find the lesson within it. Because, there is a lesson to be learned around every corner. As we travel forward on this road change your focus from outward gratification and pleasure and turn it inward toward understanding and self-awareness. Once you have changed the perspective at which you view life and your journey you are going to see things you never even thought existed, more blessing are going to come your way, but as we change our focus, we must also release the past. The past is a guide, a learning tool, something to look back on to correct our footing on the path, but nothing more. You must keep in mind that the past is immutable, unchangeable, and can keep you prisoner. Because how can you move forward if you are looking to the past, clinging to the baggage that needs to be surrendered and released? And as you move along your journey there are going to be those that you have to leave behind because they aren't doing you any good, they are holding you back and trying to shift your focus in their direction. Once you have cut them free and let them go new people will enter your life that will help you on your way. Open your heart be in awe of the world and life around you. Revel in the majesty, mystery and beauty of God and the world. Know in your heart that everything you do is for a reason, and is something to learn and grow by. We are the sum of all the decisions and actions we choose. Choose to live, choose to follow me and take the road less traveled. Look deep within your self, you will find the answers are there waiting for you. Don't worry what others think because in the long run their opinions aren't going to matter at all. The life you lead is yours. Embrace it openly and lovingly savor every single moment. Rejoice in the here and now, and as you move forward and better yourself, don't be surprised that everyone else is going to see and notice those changes.
Live well, love hard, be open, be safe, and walk with eyes of awe and wonder, enjoy everything around you to the fullest. Because as you know time is fleeting and if we don't take the opportunity to enjoy it before you know it life has already passed you by.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
All we have is the here and now, don't let this moment slip away
One of my favorite show's on television today is the new TNT series called Perception. Starring Eric McCormack, from Will and Grace, who place Dr. Daniel Pierce, a neurology professor who also suffers from all sorts of neurotic afflictions. Well the end of the 3rd episode Dr Pierce is in the class room and he tell his students this: "All we really have is the present moment. If I were you I would truly savor the here and now. That precious irreplaceable right then, this second. That is never to be repeated again in the whole of history. The quiet moment the beautiful peaceful night with family and friends so close and nearby, with the moonlight streaming down through the cloud spotted night. Savor this! While you can, because once this moment is gone it is lost forever to never to be seen or experienced again." How many times have we let life's little moments pass us by? How many perfect opportunities have we let slip past us without recognizing them? I realized yesterday what it means to seize the day, live in the moment. It was yesterday that I realized that I had a secret desire that was locked inside of me. Wrapped in my own personal insecurities and fear of rejection, hidden by walls of logic twelve years old. These walls were built to keep everyone and everything from touching my heart.
I lacked the courage to reach inside of myself and free my heart. To say enough is enough, to follow my inner voice to reach out and dare to love, or let someone love me. Yet, God saw my plight and sent people to enter back into my life to show me that no matter what my fears, anxieties and insecurities that are within me, that someone has been there patiently waiting for me to let them back in. Hit me with a club or knock me over with a feather, because low and behold he had been there, right there for the past two years. Neither of us realizing what the other meant until one day we found ourselves so far away from each other. The phone calls and emails, the laughter and all the pain painted a story I was too blind to see. I couldn't see the moments that were too precious and few that had passed on by. How important it is to savor every second because we only have the here and now! We aren't promised a tomorrow, and the past is already gone. You can't change what you have done or where you have been. But, you sure can take steps to correct the mistakes of the past, so they don't occur again in the future. We must learn from the past, not cling to it. Because as was pointed out to me you cannot move forward if you are constantly looking backward, and you can't build anything meaningful if you cling to the baggage of your old life. Let them go, surrender to the now and move forward.
Remember that men are not wise in the subtle nuances and ways of romance. It takes us a while to grasp the concept that someone is truly attracted to us. We miss the hints that are thrown our way. But please don't give up on us, if we don't get it at first. I beg of you to be brutal and painfully obvious, bludgeon us over the head, because trust me it maybe the only way to make us get it. Remember how precious life is and how easy it is to wrap yourself up in your own little world. Our time upon the earth is short, care about someone, take the chance and tell them. If you wait too long it might just be too late. Take the stance that you must work hard for what you want. That makes getting it, all the more precious. Keeping always in mind that nothing worthwhile is ever easy. I am fond of saying "if it isn't hard, it isn't good nor is it appreciated."
Seize the moment, fight back your fears, bolster your courage and let them know how you feel. Don't be like me and my partner, don't take the other for granted and only realize how much you mean to one another when you both almost died. Even then, when this terrible event happened, I had to be bullied by my best friend to be honest with myself and my partner and say something. Because I clung to my walls and hid behind my fear and insecurities until I was shown by persistence and patience not to mention a perseverance I have never known before, that this person showed by calling me and telling me about his upcoming singing gigs, then the exciting news about a recording scout's approach of him when he was visiting Miami, then about his surgeries and his insistent drive and desire to include me in every aspect of his life. I was too blind to understand how much he honestly cared. Then it was put directly too me, right in my face via a text message that said "Okay well in some way we need to be together, let's enjoy our time...It doesn't last long for either of us, so enjoy the moments we have together." That's when it dawned on me that he felt the same way about me that I did about him. We weren't high or drunk were were just talking back and forth via text and it just came out. Then when I told my best friend about it. He told me to stop hiding my feelings and truly let them out, it had been too long since i shared my whole heart with someone. Here was the moment and the person I wanted to share it with and what was I going to do? Was I going to let it go and just let him walk away from me again like I did last summer? Or the time before that?
"Carpe Diem" - Seize the day are definitely words to live by! Because as I am so found of also saying "Stop to take the time to smell the roses, stop take a look at the majesty and beauty that surrounds you! For time passes quickly, beauty fades and before we realize it, we have missed all those precious moments that life has given to us." Remember to savor the here and now, because all we really have is the present moment. This precious and irreplaceable right now, that will never ever be repeated again in the whole of history. Don't wrap yourself so tightly into your own little world because the precious few perfect moments that life presents us with are fleeting, and if you aren't focused and paying attention they will pass you by.
Yet take heart my friends as with all things there is more than one choice here. For life is truly complicated and a perfect moment may never present itself, so then dear friend it is up too you to take the opportunity and create your own moment. Because as I pointed out above, take heed of the here and now, make the most of it. Savor it and flavor it in your own special way and seize it make it yours and do what must be done! Remember to love and live because life is like a feast and most poor souls are starving to death. Heed my words of advice, seek the truth that hides with in, seize the moment let your feeling show, because you never know you might find love and happiness like me. How close I was to almost missing it, to letting it slip away yet once again. Thank God for putting my partner here, and making him such and important part of my life, and thank you Lord for revealing to me when I was so sick that he was the only one that offered to drop everything in his life and come to be with me. Just because I wanted him. Plus, he felt that I needed him and as long as I did he was going to be there for me. He was the only one out of all my friends that said that too me. Second, it has been through his support and that of others that have continually encouraged me to write and keep doing what I love. Thank you God for just putting him in my life and granting him the patience to deal with my slow almost retarded view of relationships and love.
Life is too short to face it all alone my friends. Take a chance open your heart to love. Promise me you will give it another try. You can do it! Like Kerri Hilson sang "Sometimes when love comes around it knocks you down. Just get back up when it knocks you down."
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
I lacked the courage to reach inside of myself and free my heart. To say enough is enough, to follow my inner voice to reach out and dare to love, or let someone love me. Yet, God saw my plight and sent people to enter back into my life to show me that no matter what my fears, anxieties and insecurities that are within me, that someone has been there patiently waiting for me to let them back in. Hit me with a club or knock me over with a feather, because low and behold he had been there, right there for the past two years. Neither of us realizing what the other meant until one day we found ourselves so far away from each other. The phone calls and emails, the laughter and all the pain painted a story I was too blind to see. I couldn't see the moments that were too precious and few that had passed on by. How important it is to savor every second because we only have the here and now! We aren't promised a tomorrow, and the past is already gone. You can't change what you have done or where you have been. But, you sure can take steps to correct the mistakes of the past, so they don't occur again in the future. We must learn from the past, not cling to it. Because as was pointed out to me you cannot move forward if you are constantly looking backward, and you can't build anything meaningful if you cling to the baggage of your old life. Let them go, surrender to the now and move forward.
Remember that men are not wise in the subtle nuances and ways of romance. It takes us a while to grasp the concept that someone is truly attracted to us. We miss the hints that are thrown our way. But please don't give up on us, if we don't get it at first. I beg of you to be brutal and painfully obvious, bludgeon us over the head, because trust me it maybe the only way to make us get it. Remember how precious life is and how easy it is to wrap yourself up in your own little world. Our time upon the earth is short, care about someone, take the chance and tell them. If you wait too long it might just be too late. Take the stance that you must work hard for what you want. That makes getting it, all the more precious. Keeping always in mind that nothing worthwhile is ever easy. I am fond of saying "if it isn't hard, it isn't good nor is it appreciated."
Seize the moment, fight back your fears, bolster your courage and let them know how you feel. Don't be like me and my partner, don't take the other for granted and only realize how much you mean to one another when you both almost died. Even then, when this terrible event happened, I had to be bullied by my best friend to be honest with myself and my partner and say something. Because I clung to my walls and hid behind my fear and insecurities until I was shown by persistence and patience not to mention a perseverance I have never known before, that this person showed by calling me and telling me about his upcoming singing gigs, then the exciting news about a recording scout's approach of him when he was visiting Miami, then about his surgeries and his insistent drive and desire to include me in every aspect of his life. I was too blind to understand how much he honestly cared. Then it was put directly too me, right in my face via a text message that said "Okay well in some way we need to be together, let's enjoy our time...It doesn't last long for either of us, so enjoy the moments we have together." That's when it dawned on me that he felt the same way about me that I did about him. We weren't high or drunk were were just talking back and forth via text and it just came out. Then when I told my best friend about it. He told me to stop hiding my feelings and truly let them out, it had been too long since i shared my whole heart with someone. Here was the moment and the person I wanted to share it with and what was I going to do? Was I going to let it go and just let him walk away from me again like I did last summer? Or the time before that?
"Carpe Diem" - Seize the day are definitely words to live by! Because as I am so found of also saying "Stop to take the time to smell the roses, stop take a look at the majesty and beauty that surrounds you! For time passes quickly, beauty fades and before we realize it, we have missed all those precious moments that life has given to us." Remember to savor the here and now, because all we really have is the present moment. This precious and irreplaceable right now, that will never ever be repeated again in the whole of history. Don't wrap yourself so tightly into your own little world because the precious few perfect moments that life presents us with are fleeting, and if you aren't focused and paying attention they will pass you by.
Yet take heart my friends as with all things there is more than one choice here. For life is truly complicated and a perfect moment may never present itself, so then dear friend it is up too you to take the opportunity and create your own moment. Because as I pointed out above, take heed of the here and now, make the most of it. Savor it and flavor it in your own special way and seize it make it yours and do what must be done! Remember to love and live because life is like a feast and most poor souls are starving to death. Heed my words of advice, seek the truth that hides with in, seize the moment let your feeling show, because you never know you might find love and happiness like me. How close I was to almost missing it, to letting it slip away yet once again. Thank God for putting my partner here, and making him such and important part of my life, and thank you Lord for revealing to me when I was so sick that he was the only one that offered to drop everything in his life and come to be with me. Just because I wanted him. Plus, he felt that I needed him and as long as I did he was going to be there for me. He was the only one out of all my friends that said that too me. Second, it has been through his support and that of others that have continually encouraged me to write and keep doing what I love. Thank you God for just putting him in my life and granting him the patience to deal with my slow almost retarded view of relationships and love.
Life is too short to face it all alone my friends. Take a chance open your heart to love. Promise me you will give it another try. You can do it! Like Kerri Hilson sang "Sometimes when love comes around it knocks you down. Just get back up when it knocks you down."
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Do you know who you are?
This morning when I woke you were the first one on my mind.
You were the last person I spoke to before I went to bed last night.
The one who has taken my heart with your words so kind.
And bathed my soul by your light.
I love your smile and eyes so full of delight,
your words of encouragement and praise,
Your passion, strength and might
which in turn causes my spirit to raise.
I have rested all my hopes and dreams upon your shoulders wide.
Knowing you have my best interests at heart.
As we walk hand in hand, side by side,
I know now that nothing can tear us apart.
Your touch Your Kiss
Is what I miss
Oh what joy what bliss
With just a touch my fears and worries you dismiss.
Do you know who you are?
You're my light and shining star.
You're everything I am not but long to be by far.
I wonder can you see who you really are?
You're my Love
Sent from Heaven Above
With grace joy and abundance of love,
that fits perfectly like a glove.
I love you!
B
You were the last person I spoke to before I went to bed last night.
The one who has taken my heart with your words so kind.
And bathed my soul by your light.
I love your smile and eyes so full of delight,
your words of encouragement and praise,
Your passion, strength and might
which in turn causes my spirit to raise.
I have rested all my hopes and dreams upon your shoulders wide.
Knowing you have my best interests at heart.
As we walk hand in hand, side by side,
I know now that nothing can tear us apart.
Your touch Your Kiss
Is what I miss
Oh what joy what bliss
With just a touch my fears and worries you dismiss.
Do you know who you are?
You're my light and shining star.
You're everything I am not but long to be by far.
I wonder can you see who you really are?
You're my Love
Sent from Heaven Above
With grace joy and abundance of love,
that fits perfectly like a glove.
I love you!
B
Open heart Open mind, Closed mind Closed heart!
While it will come as no surprise to you the second part of the title closed mind equals a closed heart, you can see how the inverse can also be accurate. Thinking back on the poem I wrote two days ago I came to realize just how powerful the mind really is. For it is the mind that creates the walls that protect our heart from the pain of love lost. Whatever the reason for the wound you suffered, whether real or perceived, the mind takes steps to make sure you have time to grieve and heal. It creates invisible boundaries that keep everyone and everything out. But what happens when the pain has dulled and time has healed the wound? The answer my friends is nothing. Those walls that have been built remain in place and if you don't understand this check out my entry "If these walls could talk...what would they say?" http://bryanzepp.blogspot.com/2012/07/if-these-walls-could-talkwhat-would.html
Our hearts are fragile things that can be bruised easily. Shattered if betrayed and trust is lost. The wounds of love are the hardest felt and take the longest time to heal. Then comes doubts and fears, you begin questioning everyone's motives when they enter your life. A friend of mine calls this period the "Distrusting Factor", which can last a very very long time. It is during this period that you find you can't trust anyone including yourself, because you are so afraid that whatever you went through is just going to happen all over again. You tend to hold everyone you meet and could possibly care about at arms length. You prevent them from getting too close to you both mentally and emotionally.
Now what happens if you meet someone or are introduced to someone and you are in this crippled state? How do you think they are going to act and feel? I will tell you, because I know from first hand experience. They are going to like you and want to be with you, but because you are so closed off you are going to miss all the signs. They are going to feel like you ignored them and left them hanging. It takes a very special and patient person to understand all of this. They are going to have to loving and persistent if they ever hope to break through those walls. They may even walk away and come back, because remember you have inflicted pain and wounded them whether it was intentional or not by spurning their advances and leaving them hanging.
This special person is someone who is strong and can get passed the pain and recognize that they need and want you. In my case the person still has wounds of his last relationship but somehow tore down his own walls and dared to care and love again. His caring and understanding has been shown over and over again no matter how far apart we are. It seems like every important moment that happens in his life, he includes me on. I am usually the first one he calls or text to tell what happened and this is what has made me feel so special. It is through his persistence and unfailing efforts that the walls around my heart have finally started to fall. The words of praise and encouragement that he extends my way about my passion and my writing is so amazing. Especially because he is so talented himself that I stand amazed that he thinks I have even an inkling of talent. His words over the past few days have brought in sharp relief that if I don't open my hear and trust my feelings again, that I might end up stuck alone with a closed mind and a closed heart.
How do you get to the point of opening your heart and mind? You may be wondering. As with a lot of our discussions, you have to start within and work your way out. Now I admit that it is easier if you have someone that is already interested in you that can help you tentatively stretch out the tender tendrils of love, trust, and caring. But, if you don't have that you are going to have to find within yourself the strength to take the steps to put your heart and feelings back out there and try again. Taking it slow is okay! Get comfortable trusting your feelings, learn how to feel comfortable returning someone else's feelings. Once you get to that point you are going to be amazed at how well that "Leap of Faith" paid off. Once your heart is open and free to love again. Your walls around your mind will be gone for good as well.
You must confront and overcome your fears, suppress your insecurities and doubts, just put yourself out there. Remember, it is just like riding a bike, when your fall off you get back up and try again. Give yourself encouragement by keeping in mind that you deserve the best, you have a right to be happy, to feel loved and love in return. You are so strong and can do this...I have total faith in you! Embrace life and love and do what makes you feel happy and feels good. Remember it is never good to keep those walls up, because while they are there you are missing every opportunity to meet the right person, your soul-mate, your best friend that is always on your mind. Before you know it, once you have found them you aren't going to want to let them go. You are going to want to be where ever they are and totally involved with their lives.
So remember open heart open mind, closed mind closed heart. Take the chance, take a leap of faith, put your heart back on your sleeve and Love again! Because when you do you are going to realize that you are once again living! Because for so long you were just existing, getting by, being safe and never loving or being loved.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Our hearts are fragile things that can be bruised easily. Shattered if betrayed and trust is lost. The wounds of love are the hardest felt and take the longest time to heal. Then comes doubts and fears, you begin questioning everyone's motives when they enter your life. A friend of mine calls this period the "Distrusting Factor", which can last a very very long time. It is during this period that you find you can't trust anyone including yourself, because you are so afraid that whatever you went through is just going to happen all over again. You tend to hold everyone you meet and could possibly care about at arms length. You prevent them from getting too close to you both mentally and emotionally.
Now what happens if you meet someone or are introduced to someone and you are in this crippled state? How do you think they are going to act and feel? I will tell you, because I know from first hand experience. They are going to like you and want to be with you, but because you are so closed off you are going to miss all the signs. They are going to feel like you ignored them and left them hanging. It takes a very special and patient person to understand all of this. They are going to have to loving and persistent if they ever hope to break through those walls. They may even walk away and come back, because remember you have inflicted pain and wounded them whether it was intentional or not by spurning their advances and leaving them hanging.
This special person is someone who is strong and can get passed the pain and recognize that they need and want you. In my case the person still has wounds of his last relationship but somehow tore down his own walls and dared to care and love again. His caring and understanding has been shown over and over again no matter how far apart we are. It seems like every important moment that happens in his life, he includes me on. I am usually the first one he calls or text to tell what happened and this is what has made me feel so special. It is through his persistence and unfailing efforts that the walls around my heart have finally started to fall. The words of praise and encouragement that he extends my way about my passion and my writing is so amazing. Especially because he is so talented himself that I stand amazed that he thinks I have even an inkling of talent. His words over the past few days have brought in sharp relief that if I don't open my hear and trust my feelings again, that I might end up stuck alone with a closed mind and a closed heart.
How do you get to the point of opening your heart and mind? You may be wondering. As with a lot of our discussions, you have to start within and work your way out. Now I admit that it is easier if you have someone that is already interested in you that can help you tentatively stretch out the tender tendrils of love, trust, and caring. But, if you don't have that you are going to have to find within yourself the strength to take the steps to put your heart and feelings back out there and try again. Taking it slow is okay! Get comfortable trusting your feelings, learn how to feel comfortable returning someone else's feelings. Once you get to that point you are going to be amazed at how well that "Leap of Faith" paid off. Once your heart is open and free to love again. Your walls around your mind will be gone for good as well.
You must confront and overcome your fears, suppress your insecurities and doubts, just put yourself out there. Remember, it is just like riding a bike, when your fall off you get back up and try again. Give yourself encouragement by keeping in mind that you deserve the best, you have a right to be happy, to feel loved and love in return. You are so strong and can do this...I have total faith in you! Embrace life and love and do what makes you feel happy and feels good. Remember it is never good to keep those walls up, because while they are there you are missing every opportunity to meet the right person, your soul-mate, your best friend that is always on your mind. Before you know it, once you have found them you aren't going to want to let them go. You are going to want to be where ever they are and totally involved with their lives.
So remember open heart open mind, closed mind closed heart. Take the chance, take a leap of faith, put your heart back on your sleeve and Love again! Because when you do you are going to realize that you are once again living! Because for so long you were just existing, getting by, being safe and never loving or being loved.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
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