Now you might think that I am totally crazy by saying that, but it is honestly true, there are people out there in this great big blue world who know of me, they think they know me, but have heard some half truth messed up version of the real person. I am here to tell you that I am here, you want to know something come to me. Don't think or assume you know anyone by listening to another persons story. All of us are smart enough to realize that to every story there are two different sides, there are two different versions and if you go all the way back to 2013 and read some of my blog entries you can find out how two people living in the same roof can have really different stories. But, woe unto you if you listen to one person's story and do not corroborate it with the other person, because eventually you are going to find out that what you think you know may not be real or even the truth to begin with.
As many of you who have followed my adventures from the beginning and are still hanging with me after all this time you know that I am as honest as it comes on my blog, I find it stupid as hell to lie about what I have gone through, because I know that there are others out there that are going through situations that are similar to what I have gone through or what I am currently going through. So, as I sit and write I am thinking about those poor unfortunate souls who have made judgements about me and have never even met me, all because someone wants to run around and tell a half ass lie. Now, mind you this is not a reflection on me, I have made no such judgements because in some cases I haven't even known about you.
Now, as sick as I have been I have been going it alone, the people who have told me and promised me that they would be at my side during all of this are all gone, and why because they honestly cannot leave the drugs and sex alone, they think that the few minutes of gratification they are feeling when hi is love, but alas how wrong they are. The person who loves you is there for you no matter what through the ups and downs the richer, the poorer and believe it or not when health issues arise.
For years I thought i was building a home for me and my man, and I put every effort into it, and all he would do was get high, and when he came down he would come back and beg forgiveness. I still have the letters that the man wrote too me from jail asking me to spend the rest of my life with him and to please not leave him, that he was sorry for the way he treated me. Now, I come to find out that he is still doing the same things. Lying to people trying to tell them that we weren't together, and that the life I had built for us was nothing. My friend Johnathan told me today that is like going out and telling people that you have never had a blessing.
Keep in mind that the entire time Kerry and I were together he never had to work a day, everything he wanted and needed was provided for by me. Even now when he is hurting and needs money it is to Bryan that he comes. Yet, today I found out through Facebook that he had been dating and seeing someone else. That is cool to certain degree, but when I asked him if he was with someone he would tell me know and he went to great lengths to keep his relationship with this other person a total secret. Yet, why come back to me, why tell me that you miss me and want to come back to Florida? Why several months ago before I got totally messed up physically and ended up in the hospital did he tell me that we weren't broken up we were just separated? None of this makes sense to me.
But as fate would have it, things that are hidden in the dark and secrets kept in shadow are revealed in the light and truth has a way of coming to the surface when we least want it too. Which is why I try very hard to live without lies. But the little casual conversation that I had today with someone in Atlanta, the truth came out in spades. How, I had been denied just like Jesus by Peter. Kerry had told his new friends and partner that he was never with me, that we weren't in a relationship. Now, the truth has been revealed and now the world knows the liar that has been my partner and boyfriend for the past 6 years. I didn't need to do anything for this to come to my door. I was at home minding my own business and taking care of myself when this information was shared with me. But what a surprise it was because now I know 3 more people today than I did yesterday. Yet, every single person knew about me, but what they knew was not the truth and it makes me wonder what Kerry was thinking by telling people these lies. He had to have known that sooner or later the lies would catch up with him like they have always done. No matter how hard he has tried to keep the truth from me in the past it has always come to the fore and been revealed so why wouldn't his actions of late?
Yet, it is not me that I am worried about because I have dealt with this often enough over the past 6 1/2 years, I know Kerry for the person that he is. I know him and his lies all too well, and I have heard them all before. Who I fear for and worry about is Kerry himself, and those others that he has used, abused and messed with their emotions. Because the one thing I have learned is that a wounded person reacts with violence and pain in retribution. I cannot be hurt by his nonsense anymore because I have removed myself from the equation back in March when Kerry left me hi and dry and went back to Atlanta in the first place. I refuse to put myself back in the same situation that I was in before. Kerry needs some help and needs to stop lying to himself and others. But, what Kerry does people don't understand he will tell everyone around him exactly what he thinks that they want to hear. He is a very convincing liar, but he doesn't change and continues to do the same things over and over again.
These other people whose lives he is messing with and fucking up emotionally and mentally and this is going to get him hurt one day. It may not be today but it is coming and I can see it and so can those that care to stand with me. But, as it turned out I think that today has led me to two new people that if cultivated right can grow into a lasting friendship. So as you can see conversations and events can bring you to know people you never knew but who knew about you.
Life with Kerry was never easy and his addictions made it even more difficult. But I have been there through it all and I have tried and wanted to get him help time and again, but everytime he would back out. Kerry tried to tell me that he was done with the drugs, that he had turned his life around that he was getting on some medication for his bi-polar disorder, but non of that was true. When Sterling told me that Kerry was still getting high, I confronted Kerry and was told simply to believe what I wanted to believe, but today the light revealed that once again Kerry was lying not only to me but to all of us that are around him. I am indeed hurt that while I was in the hospital left to rot, Kerry would simply send me to voice mail because he was with his new friend and couldn't be concerned or bothered with what was happening with me.
You don't know how many times Kerry promised to go to counselling with me and get our relationship straight, how he wrote to me from jail in Ft Lauderdale begging me to stay with him, that he had changed and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. However, when he got home I found out that he had met someone in jail and was in a supposed relationship with him and here I was paying $50.00 a day to put money on the phone so he could call me and that is not counting all the money that I put on his books. All, the time he is on the phone telling me how much he missed me and loved me and here he was with someone else in jail.
I don't think I will ever understand his mentality but I do know that he seriously needs help. But, I am thankful that 2 people that I didn't know reached out today and touched me, talked to me and helped me see the man(?) or child that I thought I knew. I know from all the time I have been with him that he has a progressive problem that the seizures he experiences are causing him to revert back to a teenager, but when I was in my late teens and early 20's I knew exactly what I wanted and I went out and got it. I stopped living my life on my own terms because I devoted myself to someone that doesn't even have the courtesy and respect to even admit that he was in a relationship with me. How stupid I feel and how cheated and used I feel, because you know I passed up on some really good people that came and went through my life that could have loved me and I them to stay with the one that didn't give a damn.
Tomorrow is my birthday and I am thankful for the new individuals in my life that brought me light, truth and confirmation of all that I knew but was too afraid to admit to myself.
Thank you for your help guys.
-As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
B
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Alright God I am listening!
You have got my undivided attention. Reveal to me the lesson I am supposed to have learned, what am I to teach others from what I have been through? I need to know and understand why all of this is happening to me. It is the day before Thanksgiving, at 2 in the morning, it is still pouring and my heart is weeping with the tears of confusion and lack of understanding. Tomorrow is the day we are too give thanks for everything that has happened to us during the previous year and yet I am struggling to find one thing. To understand all that has transpired and be happy with all that has passed.
Dear readers, in order for you to understand my confusion and pain I will have to go back and tell you of my year and maybe as I recount the events that have happened too me, I will be able to glimpse or glean the message that I was supposed to have learned on this journey. Trust me you should probably sit yourself down for this narrative because it is a long one and starts at the very beginning of the year and is one in which I plan on telling you everything because somewhere there is a message I am sure of it.
Well, lets bring you all up to speed, then you will begin to see why I haven't written here in my blog very much at all this year at all. January my partner and I were in Atlanta visiting. He had wanted to go up there to check in with his probation officer. I decided to go with him, I was tired of chemotherapy and all the medical treatments and appointments I had been going through. What I didn't know was that trouble was waiting for us on this trip and was going to change my life in a drastic way forever.
Everything was going okay we arrived and checked into the hotel with absolutely no problems at all. I was tired but that was nothing new with the chemo that I was going through but we rushed into the hotel. I told him to bring in his weed from the car as we were carrying in the luggage, and he said "Naw just leave it there it is just a little bit and I will come down and get it later." Famous last words, we were in the hotel for 2 days and it remained in the car. But that day he decided that he was going to go out and get us something to eat, I had to do my chemo that evening and it always seemed to make me more sick if I didn't eat right before I did it. So he left the hotel, I was in the shower and I only had one bag of clothes we had left most of our other stuff in the car because we were going to change hotels the next day. This included the rest of my medications and all of my other medical supplies. I had no idea that disaster was about to strike and leave me in a very bad situation for the next 10 to 15 days.
What really happened that night I will never really know, all I am aware of at this time is that he was stopped and arrested, they had found the weed in the car and he was taken away with everything we owned. I waited and waited to hear from him. I finally got a call at 4 in the morning saying that he was arrested and that the car had been impounded. So early the next morning I called every towing company that the dekalb county police used and finally found the car. I called to see if I could get at least my stuff out of the car if not all of the stuff. I explained that my medication, clothes and computers were in the car and that I needed them due to my cancer and illness. I was told that if I could get a letter from the rental car company saying it was alright for the towing company to release the personal items too me I could come and get them. Well, the rental car company wouldn't budge and let me have my possessions because I wasn't on the rental agreement. This was the first time that he had rented the car solely in his name and because of that I was not given permission to get what I needed.
I was left in the hotel with no clothing, no medical supplies and very limited money because we were supposed be going home soon, we had already spent a week in the hotel and the plan was to leave that weekend and it was Wednesday when he got arrested. I had only enough money to stay in a hotel for 2 more days. Which is what I did, because I knew if he got out of jail he would know where to look for me and come back there. At this time I didn't know that the car had also been wrecked, either by him or during the towing process. All I know in the subsequent months since then that they have been coming after us to get payment for damages to the car in excess of what it was actually worth, and as of today I still do not have the belongings that were in the car.
Here I was in Atlanta pretty much stuck with no clothing, no ostomy supplies and no medication, and I knew that I wasn't supposed to stop the chemotherapy suddenly but what choice was there all the medication was locked up in the car and I had no way to get it out. I had no transportation and I was running out of money rapidly. Luckily I ran into an acquaintance, who was hanging out with one of my ex's. They were able to take me to my best friends house and I was able to stay there in safety till I could find a way home. The same acquaintance that took me to my best friend Chris's house offered to bring me back home to Florida if I paid for the gas. I agreed and we left now mind you by this time I had been staying at my friend's house for about 2 weeks, my ostomy appliance was falling off and my skin was burned from acid and erosion. My ex's mother came and took me to the VA hospital in Atlanta and they were able to fix me up with some temporary supplies till I could get home. My ex Sterling ended up in the hospital for several days during this time he had a massive urinary tract infection and got extremely sick. So as you can tell nothing particularly was going my way already.
But, Mike the acquaintance that Sterling was hanging with was true to his word and brought me back to Daytona. He also decided since he had no money to return right away to stay with me for a little while. i am extremely glad that he did, even though his presence was later to cause great harm and yet save my life at the same time. I was home 3 days when I had an aneurysm, if Mike hadn't gotten back to my apartment when he did and found me passed out in the bathroom bleeding all over the floor and called 911 I would have bled to death and died. I had lapsed into a coma for 4 days and ended up having 28 blood transfusions and 3 surgeries, I barely pulled through. I woke up to see my partner and Mike sitting next too me, it brought me strength and I was soon awake fully. However, while I was out Mike had gone to Atlanta and gotten my partner, who was released from jail. He also proceeded to get all of his belongings out of storage and bring them down to Daytona, along with almost a full ounce of Methamphetamines. During the 9 days I was in the hospital my partner and him started getting high and having sex with all kinds of people and bringing people into my apartment which got the neighbors all upset.
Once I found out I tried to put a stop to the problem but the damage was already done, my partner was totally lost to the drugs, he had been shooting up a lot more than him and I had ever done and he was on a binge that was going to tear us apart. Not even 3 weeks after my release from the hospital both my partner and Mike were back in Atlanta and I was left all alone. I came to find out that neither my partner or Mike had paid rent while I was in the hospital and they were both gone and I was 3 months behind in rent, utilities and cable. I talked to my dad about the situation and we both agreed that maybe I should try getting a girl roommate this time to help me get my bills caught up. That was the worst mistake I have ever made in my life because the girl that came in came with a lot of baggage and friends and I ended up getting robbed twice and losing all my possessions. But that wasn't the worst my neighbors didn't like her friends and kept calling the police on me saying that suspicious activity was happening in my apartment and so the police became involved with my life.
I ended up getting arrested on possession of paraphernalia charges 3 times, as a matter of fact I am still going through some of those legal procedures right now and hopefully will have them wrapped up before the holidays. I stayed in my apartment as long as I could my father and my step mother helped me out as much as they could to get caught up on the bills. But the damage was done, the neighbors and the police arrests got back to my landlord and I had to move from my home without any warning or notice due to suspicion and rumours. I was never arrested or charged with doing drugs, but everyone in the complex assumed or heard tale from one of the old women that lived there that I was a drug dealer and that I was doing and selling them out of my apartment. That is how my recovery from the aneurysm and summer went. On Memorial day weekend my back started hurting. It hurt so bad that I went to the E.R. an x-ray was taken but nothing abnormal showed up on the x-ray so they sent me home with some pain pills.
Let me digress for a minute or two here. I will never again sneeze or laugh at anyone who says that their back hurts, because I will tell you there is nothing like back pain, it is the worst kind of pain that you can experience because that is where are the nerves are and once it starts hurting your entire body feels the pain and you end up weak and not able to do even the smallest things. Well, on with the narrative, my back started hurting and I ended up in bed for almost 2 weeks doing only the absolute minimum to get by. Well from May till September I endured the pain in my back and it got progressively worse and worse. I ended up moving back in with my dad and step mom. I was here about 3 weeks when I finally had enough I had been to the emergency room 19 times and was continually told that there was nothing wrong other than a strain. Finally I got my primary care physician to look into it a lot closer. Now, you may be wondering why it took me so long to get my primary involved. Several factors actually, my dad telling me that I was faking it and that the pain was in my head, my ex coming back to get his clothes and not believing me that I was in pain and could barely drive and then my primary care doctor being out of the country for 2 1/2 months on some family business.
So finally, I ended up going to have an MRI and with just one pass of the machine, i was pulled out and wheeled into see the Radiologist. He asked me how I had gotten to the office to have the MRI and I told him that I had driven, he asked me if there was anyone who could come and get my car. I told him that my dad and step mother were in Ormond Beach. He wasted no time calling my father and telling him to come and get me and my car because I needed to be admitted to the hospital immediately I had a massive infection that was attacking my back and causing my vertebrae to collapse upon themselves and that if something was done to treat the infection I would be paralyzed in a matter of weeks. I was immediately taken to the hospital where I remained for 15 days and from there I was put into a nursing home and rehab center where I stayed for 3 months. Which brings me to the current.
I have been out of the nursing home a week and I have been doing okay. Though I have had back to back doctors appointments since I have gotten out of there. I have to tell you I have met with every doctor from neurologist to primary care, from surgeon to oncologist, even the neurosurgeon. I was given hope that I could possibly have surgery and alleviate or even eliminate the pain I have in my back. But, yestday was a day full of surprises. First some good news and then some not some good news. I found out that the tumors that I had removed on November 7th were benign and I will not have to go through additional chemotherapy. Remember that I had chemotherapy starting in October of last year that ran up till February of this year. So that at least is good news. The bad news comes from the neurosurgeon with whom I met this afternoon at 2 pm. It is unfortunate that he feels that he cannot operate to fix the hump in my back or do anything to alleviate the pain. According to him I will have to continue to endure this pain and walk with a cane or walker for perhaps the rest of my life. Now after speaking with my primary care physician last week I was under the impression that I would be able to go through a procedure called kyphoplasti. Kyphoplasti is a procedure that people who have osteoporosis can sometimes have the rebuilds you the vertebrae and would eliminate or at least alleviate some of the pain that I am going through. Upon research I had found cases where at least 3 levels of thoracic kyphoplasti have been performed successfully, unfortunately I would have to have 5 levels rebuilt and I was told in no uncertain terms that I would not survive the surgery and that he didn't even think him or any other surgeon would attempt to operate on me with my case history and surgical past.
I honestly didn't think that I could feel any worse from that news and situation but then here is how my day today went. I guess today was not supposed to be my day either. After the shock of hearing all my health news I went home and went to bed never once noticing til yesterday morning that my wallet and every piece of identification was gone. I had an appointment with my case manager to recertify my Ryan White funding for another 6 months when I noticed for the first time my wallet was missing. I have searched my room high and low and cannot find it. Further, it was pouring rain all day yesterday and as you now know I walk with a cane. My case manager to help me told me to bring the car up to the curb so my paperwork wouldn't get wet. She would run it out to the curb as I pulled up. Well alas a good idea but as she was coming to the car the folder gave out and every piece of paper fell in the downpour and was soaked. As you can well imagine my mood and depression deepened. I came home an immediately climbed in my bed. It is now 1:58 am and I am just getting up, and it is still raining. It is almost like the sky is responding to the flood of tears in my heart. I pray that God will give me the strength to push through these setbacks and gain an understanding of why He has chosen me to carry these health issues and what I am meant to learn/teach because I fear I have missed the point!
So there you have it. Almost dying, losing my home, my man, my credibility, my reputation, now my health and possibly my future of living a pain free existence as well as being dependent on walking aids to get around for the rest of my life. I need you Lord to explain to me what it is that I have missed, what is the lesson that I am expected to learn, what should I have gotten from this journey, the pain, the loss and where do I go from here?
I am remaining faithful as you commanded Job because I see how you rewarded him for his stalwartness and I trying to be the man that you need and want me to be. But I am struggling and grasping at things here. Please Lord talk to me. Make my way clear and give me the grace, guidance and strength that I need to gain this comprehension. I know that I am strong enough because you wouldn't have given me this burden if I wasn't. So I am asking you to have Mercy on Your child and grant me the wish of my heart. A joyful and happy Thanksgiving.
AMEN
Dear readers, in order for you to understand my confusion and pain I will have to go back and tell you of my year and maybe as I recount the events that have happened too me, I will be able to glimpse or glean the message that I was supposed to have learned on this journey. Trust me you should probably sit yourself down for this narrative because it is a long one and starts at the very beginning of the year and is one in which I plan on telling you everything because somewhere there is a message I am sure of it.
Well, lets bring you all up to speed, then you will begin to see why I haven't written here in my blog very much at all this year at all. January my partner and I were in Atlanta visiting. He had wanted to go up there to check in with his probation officer. I decided to go with him, I was tired of chemotherapy and all the medical treatments and appointments I had been going through. What I didn't know was that trouble was waiting for us on this trip and was going to change my life in a drastic way forever.
Everything was going okay we arrived and checked into the hotel with absolutely no problems at all. I was tired but that was nothing new with the chemo that I was going through but we rushed into the hotel. I told him to bring in his weed from the car as we were carrying in the luggage, and he said "Naw just leave it there it is just a little bit and I will come down and get it later." Famous last words, we were in the hotel for 2 days and it remained in the car. But that day he decided that he was going to go out and get us something to eat, I had to do my chemo that evening and it always seemed to make me more sick if I didn't eat right before I did it. So he left the hotel, I was in the shower and I only had one bag of clothes we had left most of our other stuff in the car because we were going to change hotels the next day. This included the rest of my medications and all of my other medical supplies. I had no idea that disaster was about to strike and leave me in a very bad situation for the next 10 to 15 days.
What really happened that night I will never really know, all I am aware of at this time is that he was stopped and arrested, they had found the weed in the car and he was taken away with everything we owned. I waited and waited to hear from him. I finally got a call at 4 in the morning saying that he was arrested and that the car had been impounded. So early the next morning I called every towing company that the dekalb county police used and finally found the car. I called to see if I could get at least my stuff out of the car if not all of the stuff. I explained that my medication, clothes and computers were in the car and that I needed them due to my cancer and illness. I was told that if I could get a letter from the rental car company saying it was alright for the towing company to release the personal items too me I could come and get them. Well, the rental car company wouldn't budge and let me have my possessions because I wasn't on the rental agreement. This was the first time that he had rented the car solely in his name and because of that I was not given permission to get what I needed.
I was left in the hotel with no clothing, no medical supplies and very limited money because we were supposed be going home soon, we had already spent a week in the hotel and the plan was to leave that weekend and it was Wednesday when he got arrested. I had only enough money to stay in a hotel for 2 more days. Which is what I did, because I knew if he got out of jail he would know where to look for me and come back there. At this time I didn't know that the car had also been wrecked, either by him or during the towing process. All I know in the subsequent months since then that they have been coming after us to get payment for damages to the car in excess of what it was actually worth, and as of today I still do not have the belongings that were in the car.
Here I was in Atlanta pretty much stuck with no clothing, no ostomy supplies and no medication, and I knew that I wasn't supposed to stop the chemotherapy suddenly but what choice was there all the medication was locked up in the car and I had no way to get it out. I had no transportation and I was running out of money rapidly. Luckily I ran into an acquaintance, who was hanging out with one of my ex's. They were able to take me to my best friends house and I was able to stay there in safety till I could find a way home. The same acquaintance that took me to my best friend Chris's house offered to bring me back home to Florida if I paid for the gas. I agreed and we left now mind you by this time I had been staying at my friend's house for about 2 weeks, my ostomy appliance was falling off and my skin was burned from acid and erosion. My ex's mother came and took me to the VA hospital in Atlanta and they were able to fix me up with some temporary supplies till I could get home. My ex Sterling ended up in the hospital for several days during this time he had a massive urinary tract infection and got extremely sick. So as you can tell nothing particularly was going my way already.
But, Mike the acquaintance that Sterling was hanging with was true to his word and brought me back to Daytona. He also decided since he had no money to return right away to stay with me for a little while. i am extremely glad that he did, even though his presence was later to cause great harm and yet save my life at the same time. I was home 3 days when I had an aneurysm, if Mike hadn't gotten back to my apartment when he did and found me passed out in the bathroom bleeding all over the floor and called 911 I would have bled to death and died. I had lapsed into a coma for 4 days and ended up having 28 blood transfusions and 3 surgeries, I barely pulled through. I woke up to see my partner and Mike sitting next too me, it brought me strength and I was soon awake fully. However, while I was out Mike had gone to Atlanta and gotten my partner, who was released from jail. He also proceeded to get all of his belongings out of storage and bring them down to Daytona, along with almost a full ounce of Methamphetamines. During the 9 days I was in the hospital my partner and him started getting high and having sex with all kinds of people and bringing people into my apartment which got the neighbors all upset.
Once I found out I tried to put a stop to the problem but the damage was already done, my partner was totally lost to the drugs, he had been shooting up a lot more than him and I had ever done and he was on a binge that was going to tear us apart. Not even 3 weeks after my release from the hospital both my partner and Mike were back in Atlanta and I was left all alone. I came to find out that neither my partner or Mike had paid rent while I was in the hospital and they were both gone and I was 3 months behind in rent, utilities and cable. I talked to my dad about the situation and we both agreed that maybe I should try getting a girl roommate this time to help me get my bills caught up. That was the worst mistake I have ever made in my life because the girl that came in came with a lot of baggage and friends and I ended up getting robbed twice and losing all my possessions. But that wasn't the worst my neighbors didn't like her friends and kept calling the police on me saying that suspicious activity was happening in my apartment and so the police became involved with my life.
I ended up getting arrested on possession of paraphernalia charges 3 times, as a matter of fact I am still going through some of those legal procedures right now and hopefully will have them wrapped up before the holidays. I stayed in my apartment as long as I could my father and my step mother helped me out as much as they could to get caught up on the bills. But the damage was done, the neighbors and the police arrests got back to my landlord and I had to move from my home without any warning or notice due to suspicion and rumours. I was never arrested or charged with doing drugs, but everyone in the complex assumed or heard tale from one of the old women that lived there that I was a drug dealer and that I was doing and selling them out of my apartment. That is how my recovery from the aneurysm and summer went. On Memorial day weekend my back started hurting. It hurt so bad that I went to the E.R. an x-ray was taken but nothing abnormal showed up on the x-ray so they sent me home with some pain pills.
Let me digress for a minute or two here. I will never again sneeze or laugh at anyone who says that their back hurts, because I will tell you there is nothing like back pain, it is the worst kind of pain that you can experience because that is where are the nerves are and once it starts hurting your entire body feels the pain and you end up weak and not able to do even the smallest things. Well, on with the narrative, my back started hurting and I ended up in bed for almost 2 weeks doing only the absolute minimum to get by. Well from May till September I endured the pain in my back and it got progressively worse and worse. I ended up moving back in with my dad and step mom. I was here about 3 weeks when I finally had enough I had been to the emergency room 19 times and was continually told that there was nothing wrong other than a strain. Finally I got my primary care physician to look into it a lot closer. Now, you may be wondering why it took me so long to get my primary involved. Several factors actually, my dad telling me that I was faking it and that the pain was in my head, my ex coming back to get his clothes and not believing me that I was in pain and could barely drive and then my primary care doctor being out of the country for 2 1/2 months on some family business.
So finally, I ended up going to have an MRI and with just one pass of the machine, i was pulled out and wheeled into see the Radiologist. He asked me how I had gotten to the office to have the MRI and I told him that I had driven, he asked me if there was anyone who could come and get my car. I told him that my dad and step mother were in Ormond Beach. He wasted no time calling my father and telling him to come and get me and my car because I needed to be admitted to the hospital immediately I had a massive infection that was attacking my back and causing my vertebrae to collapse upon themselves and that if something was done to treat the infection I would be paralyzed in a matter of weeks. I was immediately taken to the hospital where I remained for 15 days and from there I was put into a nursing home and rehab center where I stayed for 3 months. Which brings me to the current.
I have been out of the nursing home a week and I have been doing okay. Though I have had back to back doctors appointments since I have gotten out of there. I have to tell you I have met with every doctor from neurologist to primary care, from surgeon to oncologist, even the neurosurgeon. I was given hope that I could possibly have surgery and alleviate or even eliminate the pain I have in my back. But, yestday was a day full of surprises. First some good news and then some not some good news. I found out that the tumors that I had removed on November 7th were benign and I will not have to go through additional chemotherapy. Remember that I had chemotherapy starting in October of last year that ran up till February of this year. So that at least is good news. The bad news comes from the neurosurgeon with whom I met this afternoon at 2 pm. It is unfortunate that he feels that he cannot operate to fix the hump in my back or do anything to alleviate the pain. According to him I will have to continue to endure this pain and walk with a cane or walker for perhaps the rest of my life. Now after speaking with my primary care physician last week I was under the impression that I would be able to go through a procedure called kyphoplasti. Kyphoplasti is a procedure that people who have osteoporosis can sometimes have the rebuilds you the vertebrae and would eliminate or at least alleviate some of the pain that I am going through. Upon research I had found cases where at least 3 levels of thoracic kyphoplasti have been performed successfully, unfortunately I would have to have 5 levels rebuilt and I was told in no uncertain terms that I would not survive the surgery and that he didn't even think him or any other surgeon would attempt to operate on me with my case history and surgical past.
I honestly didn't think that I could feel any worse from that news and situation but then here is how my day today went. I guess today was not supposed to be my day either. After the shock of hearing all my health news I went home and went to bed never once noticing til yesterday morning that my wallet and every piece of identification was gone. I had an appointment with my case manager to recertify my Ryan White funding for another 6 months when I noticed for the first time my wallet was missing. I have searched my room high and low and cannot find it. Further, it was pouring rain all day yesterday and as you now know I walk with a cane. My case manager to help me told me to bring the car up to the curb so my paperwork wouldn't get wet. She would run it out to the curb as I pulled up. Well alas a good idea but as she was coming to the car the folder gave out and every piece of paper fell in the downpour and was soaked. As you can well imagine my mood and depression deepened. I came home an immediately climbed in my bed. It is now 1:58 am and I am just getting up, and it is still raining. It is almost like the sky is responding to the flood of tears in my heart. I pray that God will give me the strength to push through these setbacks and gain an understanding of why He has chosen me to carry these health issues and what I am meant to learn/teach because I fear I have missed the point!
So there you have it. Almost dying, losing my home, my man, my credibility, my reputation, now my health and possibly my future of living a pain free existence as well as being dependent on walking aids to get around for the rest of my life. I need you Lord to explain to me what it is that I have missed, what is the lesson that I am expected to learn, what should I have gotten from this journey, the pain, the loss and where do I go from here?
I am remaining faithful as you commanded Job because I see how you rewarded him for his stalwartness and I trying to be the man that you need and want me to be. But I am struggling and grasping at things here. Please Lord talk to me. Make my way clear and give me the grace, guidance and strength that I need to gain this comprehension. I know that I am strong enough because you wouldn't have given me this burden if I wasn't. So I am asking you to have Mercy on Your child and grant me the wish of my heart. A joyful and happy Thanksgiving.
AMEN
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Whatever happened to honesty, openness and integrity?
In today's crazy world it is increasingly hard to find quality,decent people that are trustworthy. So many times I have taken someone at their word and have been disappointed. Seems everyone has gotten into the practice of just saying whatever they think you want to hear. Unfortunately, I always fall for the story and end up drawing the short end of the stick.
The past year has been fraught with half truths and hidden agendas. It was costly and pretty much deadly to me. I ended up in the hospital every time. I am not sure why the half truths and lies, I have always been pretty open and have always asked that people be honest with me. There is no need to lie to me ever, because I would rather be mad and hurt and be over it, than have to discover that I had been lied too. That hurts even more, and it ruins the bonds of trust and thrust you into thinking well what else have they lied to me about.
When lied too that pretty much destroys your credibility with me. Plus it shows that you don't have any integrity as well as no respect for the person you are misleading with your lies. As I have said many times in the past that any relationship can survive if you are open and willing to communicate fully your hopes, dreams and desires. Communication is the key to success in any endeavor or relationship that you embark upon.
You must be honest not only to the person you are dealing with but yourself as well. I find it easy to lie to myself and justify just about anything I want to. That isn't good at all.
Honesty is the key to successful open communication between you and the other party in the relationship, now by relationship I am talking about personal as well as professional. Honesty and integrity are essential when conducting business. These two things will encourage your customers to spread good news about you and your business to others. It will also prove to the consumer that you are fair and trustworthy.
So again I ask you whatever happened to honesty, openness and integrity?
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Sunday, June 1, 2014
Don't let anything stand in your way of health and happiness
Recently I went through an aneurysm near my liver, I ended up in intensive care for 11 days and had to have 28 blood transfusions. Since then I have been told that my blood pressure will not stabilize and that I may need to have surgery in order to correct this issue.
However, the odds of surviving such a procedure with all of the other surgeries I have had over the past 12 years isn't promising. After speaking with several people that are very close to me and praying deeply on this subject I believe it is in my best interest to follow through with the second opinion. But, in the long run I must think of myself and what this surgery might mean. See, I am determined that I can beat this without surgery. I have started taking iron supplements which stimulates blood production and calcium to strengthen my bone marrow. i know that in the long run if I continue with these supplements I may be able to boost my hemacrit to a level that is safe.
I have been been doing this for about a month and the blood results that my primary care doctor got from the lab are promising. It seems that my blood level has increased almost by an entire point and which means that it is working. Like I said earlier this is all about the quality of life that I am expecting to have once I am on the mend. With open heart surgery there would have to be certain limitations placed on my body that I am not sure I am ready to agree too at this point. Since the specialist haven't receive the lab results from my primary care doctor as of yet they can't possibly make an informed decision. Luckily I was called by the doctors office yesterday afternoon, because my doctor is going to be out of the country the rest of the month.
I haven't even had a chance to share these test results with my best friend and partner yet because we talked right before Dr, Chris called me. No matter what happens to me at this point I have to say that I am content in the knowledge that those who love me are behind me and support me in this decision. I know it may be hard for some of you to understand, but I am not willing at this point to limit myself any further then I have with the past surgeries. i am finally on the mend both mentally and physically and for that I am greatful.
I remember my grandmother once telling me that we can dictate how we feel with our attitude and outlook. I hold myself with confidence and knowledge and I know that I can beat this. I know my better than any doctor and I know when things are changing within it. I am sure that it is the same with any person that has a terminal illness. We become intimately familiar with every nuance of our body and when change or illness occurs we are aware of it almost immediately.
I honestly don't know what the future holds in store for me. I don't know if things between me and my partner are going to ever get back to where they were. But I do have hope and faith that no matter what happens at this point he will always and forever be a part of my life. I have told him many times in the past that I have never felt the way I feel for him with anyone else. Yes I have loved others but i have never wrapped myself and totally lost myself in another person like I did him. Sometimes, I know he felt under appreciated but trust me when I tell you that I wouldn't be here today without him and his strength. I don't think he knows how strong he really is, but it is his faith in me and quiet hope that has kept my spirits up throughout this past year of hospitalizations and doctors visits.
I hope that he reads this and knows how much I appreciate him. He always took very good care of me and made sure that I was eating and doing the right things. I wouldn't have been able to recover as fully as I have, if it wasn't for him.
What I have learned through all of this is that you cannot let anyone or anything interfere with you health and happiness. Because no one but you and the person you are with knows exactly what goes on between the both of you. There are two sides to a relationship, there is the public side that everyone on the outside sees and then there is the private side. This is the side that only the two of you see and because of that no one can really know the importance of the other person in your life. So take advice and criticsm of your relationship with a grain of salt, remember that they only see the one side.
Your happiness is the key to your health, as well as your mental attitude. Please keep that in mind as you go forward in life.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
However, the odds of surviving such a procedure with all of the other surgeries I have had over the past 12 years isn't promising. After speaking with several people that are very close to me and praying deeply on this subject I believe it is in my best interest to follow through with the second opinion. But, in the long run I must think of myself and what this surgery might mean. See, I am determined that I can beat this without surgery. I have started taking iron supplements which stimulates blood production and calcium to strengthen my bone marrow. i know that in the long run if I continue with these supplements I may be able to boost my hemacrit to a level that is safe.
I have been been doing this for about a month and the blood results that my primary care doctor got from the lab are promising. It seems that my blood level has increased almost by an entire point and which means that it is working. Like I said earlier this is all about the quality of life that I am expecting to have once I am on the mend. With open heart surgery there would have to be certain limitations placed on my body that I am not sure I am ready to agree too at this point. Since the specialist haven't receive the lab results from my primary care doctor as of yet they can't possibly make an informed decision. Luckily I was called by the doctors office yesterday afternoon, because my doctor is going to be out of the country the rest of the month.
I haven't even had a chance to share these test results with my best friend and partner yet because we talked right before Dr, Chris called me. No matter what happens to me at this point I have to say that I am content in the knowledge that those who love me are behind me and support me in this decision. I know it may be hard for some of you to understand, but I am not willing at this point to limit myself any further then I have with the past surgeries. i am finally on the mend both mentally and physically and for that I am greatful.
I remember my grandmother once telling me that we can dictate how we feel with our attitude and outlook. I hold myself with confidence and knowledge and I know that I can beat this. I know my better than any doctor and I know when things are changing within it. I am sure that it is the same with any person that has a terminal illness. We become intimately familiar with every nuance of our body and when change or illness occurs we are aware of it almost immediately.
I honestly don't know what the future holds in store for me. I don't know if things between me and my partner are going to ever get back to where they were. But I do have hope and faith that no matter what happens at this point he will always and forever be a part of my life. I have told him many times in the past that I have never felt the way I feel for him with anyone else. Yes I have loved others but i have never wrapped myself and totally lost myself in another person like I did him. Sometimes, I know he felt under appreciated but trust me when I tell you that I wouldn't be here today without him and his strength. I don't think he knows how strong he really is, but it is his faith in me and quiet hope that has kept my spirits up throughout this past year of hospitalizations and doctors visits.
I hope that he reads this and knows how much I appreciate him. He always took very good care of me and made sure that I was eating and doing the right things. I wouldn't have been able to recover as fully as I have, if it wasn't for him.
What I have learned through all of this is that you cannot let anyone or anything interfere with you health and happiness. Because no one but you and the person you are with knows exactly what goes on between the both of you. There are two sides to a relationship, there is the public side that everyone on the outside sees and then there is the private side. This is the side that only the two of you see and because of that no one can really know the importance of the other person in your life. So take advice and criticsm of your relationship with a grain of salt, remember that they only see the one side.
Your happiness is the key to your health, as well as your mental attitude. Please keep that in mind as you go forward in life.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
To live quietly and walk with confidence will take you further in life
When I talk about living quietly I mean letting your actions be your voice, lead by example. I know we have talked about lies, truth, integrity. But what about your actions, how are they interpreted by those who observe them? Honestly the old adage actions speaks louder than words is so accurate it isn't funny. Every day I strive to live by my word and let my actions show my affection and love. Many people aren't used to that so they don't know how to take me. Yet, it is the way I think is effective in demonstrating that you practice what you preach.
When you are confident about yourself there is an air around you that others notice and are drawn too. Almost like there is an energy field around you and your quiet confidence and sureness lends authority to your manner. You demonstrate through actions that you know what you are doing and that you are firm. Living this way will impress everyone around you. They are going to want to be like you and envy you. But it isn't all about that. What it is about is that those who see you know immediately that they can trust you, that you aren't going to let them down. You have a certain gleam in your eyes, you are not over ambitious or one that is going to pull the wool over their eyes. You are truly a man of integrity and someone that others can look up to and emulate.
Think about it, I am sure you have seen a very confident person, a person who has everything going for them. They are positive, outgoing and receptive to new ideas and things. They are people persons, those who go out of their way to show that they care about themselves and others. These are the people that are soon moved into leadership positions and can command the attention of a room just by walking into it. The don't demonstrate fear, they show understanding and compassion as well as learning. Usually they are accomplished and intelligent and wear their confidence like a second skin.
If you can be more like them I am sure you can see how this will open doors for you. If you are grouchy, crotchety or any other nasty euphemism I can think of do you think you will get very far in your career or with the goals in your life? If you are sitting there waiting for things to happen for you, do they? The answer to both of those is NO. You have to grab life by the horns and take a step forward. You have to know what you want and not let anything stop you in getting it. This will build your confidence and if you soften this with letting your actions show how you are feeling you will find that you have become and unstoppable force.
But if you sit there waiting for your ship to come in or for the right opportunity to come knocking at your door, you are going to wake up one day and find that life has passed you by and you have missed all the opportunities that you we waiting for. You have to go out there and live. You cannot sit idly by and hope and pray that things will come your way. Remember that sometimes a door is closed so that we can open it and step through. You might be surprised at what you find on the other side of it.
See I keep trying to tell people it isn't where you end up that matters it is the road that you took to get there that builds you up and makes you the person you are. Remember what I said last year about us being the sum of all our interactions, decisions, choice and the consequences of them. Well, that is the road I am talking about here. See it is all of those things that have brought you to your stopping point that have tempered you and molded you and made you ready for where you are at.
So please go out there show others how much you care for them through your actions. Have that air of confidence around you always and see what doors it will open for you.
Take some time and think about it, I am sure you will come to find that I am right. Just like when you are in and interview if you are successful in selling yourself to the employer you have got the job. If you aren't successful guess what they move on and select another candidate. It is all about your confidence level.
Trust me it works.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
When you are confident about yourself there is an air around you that others notice and are drawn too. Almost like there is an energy field around you and your quiet confidence and sureness lends authority to your manner. You demonstrate through actions that you know what you are doing and that you are firm. Living this way will impress everyone around you. They are going to want to be like you and envy you. But it isn't all about that. What it is about is that those who see you know immediately that they can trust you, that you aren't going to let them down. You have a certain gleam in your eyes, you are not over ambitious or one that is going to pull the wool over their eyes. You are truly a man of integrity and someone that others can look up to and emulate.
Think about it, I am sure you have seen a very confident person, a person who has everything going for them. They are positive, outgoing and receptive to new ideas and things. They are people persons, those who go out of their way to show that they care about themselves and others. These are the people that are soon moved into leadership positions and can command the attention of a room just by walking into it. The don't demonstrate fear, they show understanding and compassion as well as learning. Usually they are accomplished and intelligent and wear their confidence like a second skin.
If you can be more like them I am sure you can see how this will open doors for you. If you are grouchy, crotchety or any other nasty euphemism I can think of do you think you will get very far in your career or with the goals in your life? If you are sitting there waiting for things to happen for you, do they? The answer to both of those is NO. You have to grab life by the horns and take a step forward. You have to know what you want and not let anything stop you in getting it. This will build your confidence and if you soften this with letting your actions show how you are feeling you will find that you have become and unstoppable force.
But if you sit there waiting for your ship to come in or for the right opportunity to come knocking at your door, you are going to wake up one day and find that life has passed you by and you have missed all the opportunities that you we waiting for. You have to go out there and live. You cannot sit idly by and hope and pray that things will come your way. Remember that sometimes a door is closed so that we can open it and step through. You might be surprised at what you find on the other side of it.
See I keep trying to tell people it isn't where you end up that matters it is the road that you took to get there that builds you up and makes you the person you are. Remember what I said last year about us being the sum of all our interactions, decisions, choice and the consequences of them. Well, that is the road I am talking about here. See it is all of those things that have brought you to your stopping point that have tempered you and molded you and made you ready for where you are at.
So please go out there show others how much you care for them through your actions. Have that air of confidence around you always and see what doors it will open for you.
Take some time and think about it, I am sure you will come to find that I am right. Just like when you are in and interview if you are successful in selling yourself to the employer you have got the job. If you aren't successful guess what they move on and select another candidate. It is all about your confidence level.
Trust me it works.
As always my hopes and dreams are with you,
Uncle B
Monday, November 18, 2013
On my mind
You walked out the door once again with no words on your lips. You lied to my face and disappeared without a trace. I have called and text but to no avail. Where did you go and why did you run? I have helped and worked, cheered and supported. Did what no one else was willing to do, yet how do you repay? With disappearing without a trace.
I worked and did all that I can to get you free from your past and still you turn around and go back again. You said to trust you and yet again you have let me down. Actions speak louder than words you say, and here you go disappearing without a trace.
You say you love me and have asked me not to leave, but don't you see I am not the one who leaves. I am the rock, the fixture that is always here when you disappear without a trace.
I have begged and pleaded for you to stay, but once again you just walk away.
You have broken my heart and my spirit and I don't want to live this way.
I love you still but I can be no more, you are the one that shut that door.
Can't you see that you have lost me, the one you said was the best thing you had
Why have you hurt me so bad?
Sometimes love is just not enough
So here I am calling your bluff.
I don't want to walk away
But with you I cannot stay
You made it this way!
I worked and did all that I can to get you free from your past and still you turn around and go back again. You said to trust you and yet again you have let me down. Actions speak louder than words you say, and here you go disappearing without a trace.
You say you love me and have asked me not to leave, but don't you see I am not the one who leaves. I am the rock, the fixture that is always here when you disappear without a trace.
I have begged and pleaded for you to stay, but once again you just walk away.
You have broken my heart and my spirit and I don't want to live this way.
I love you still but I can be no more, you are the one that shut that door.
Can't you see that you have lost me, the one you said was the best thing you had
Why have you hurt me so bad?
Sometimes love is just not enough
So here I am calling your bluff.
I don't want to walk away
But with you I cannot stay
You made it this way!
Not being able to sleep a lot on my mind
Sorry I haven't written much this week. I am still overwhelmed by what has been happening in my life. At least part of it has been sort of resolved, my bf is back home finally. He was gone for a minute and it was a lot to deal with especially with what has been happening with my mother. Apparently around September 6 my mother was admitted to the hospital. She was having severe pain in her back and down her legs. As of the 7th she couldn't walk at all, something was pushing on her spinal cord and her legs wouldn't respond.
She is a strong woman but this has really gotten too her, she stayed in the hospital for a week and was transferred to a nursing home and has been there till Friday when they transported her to another hospital an hour away from where she lives. They have found a tumor on her spine and an abnormal growth. Right now I am not sure what any of this means. But she is telling me that she may never be able to have surgery or be strong enough with her many other problems to survive the chemotherapy and other treatments they are wanting to give her.
While my bf was gone I spent a lot of money trying to keep in contact with him that I am not sure I have funds to drop everything I am doing and go up there, however, I feel just plain awful about that. I feel she needs me and I should be there, but there is so much on my plate right now. I am trying to start my own treatments and get the liver biopsy done, as well as handle other personal matters, that keep me running across the state and the country.
One of my best friends called me yesterday and wants me to come and help him move, this is right before I am supposed to go out of town with Kerry. I have tried to talk to my dad about what is going on and how I am feeling overwhelmed and like I am drowning with everything that is happening. He just told me that I can't save the whole world and I have to do what I have to do to survive and everyone else must fend for themselves.
For those of you that know me this is a hard pill for me to swallow, however, yesterday has been very strenuous for me, because once again I felt abandoned and left alone. I have no one to lean on or confide in. I don't understand why I have to be the strong one that everyone depends upon. When will I have someone that I can lean on and depend on? I thought that I had that but every time something comes up in my life that is hard or devastating I seem to be sitting in the room all alone. What a feeling!!
So here I sit at 3:23 in the morning writing in my blog because I have no one to talk to about the things going on in my life. It seems like I have nothing and no one and I have to stand alone and face all of it by myself. Again what a feeling! It shouldn't be this way, I am in a relationship, why isn't he here for me to talk to and cry on his shoulder? Good question! And one that I don't have the answer too.
I have been sitting around all day with all sorts of thoughts going through my head, not knowing what is actually going on anywhere. The only one filling me in on my mother is her best friend and she is trying to spare my feelings knowing that I cannot be up there with my mother at this time. I have tried to be a good son.
I am so sad and frustrated this morning, I don't know which way to turn!
Please pray for me. There is so much other stuff that is going on in my life that I can't put it in here right now because I don't want to upset anyone else...
She is a strong woman but this has really gotten too her, she stayed in the hospital for a week and was transferred to a nursing home and has been there till Friday when they transported her to another hospital an hour away from where she lives. They have found a tumor on her spine and an abnormal growth. Right now I am not sure what any of this means. But she is telling me that she may never be able to have surgery or be strong enough with her many other problems to survive the chemotherapy and other treatments they are wanting to give her.
While my bf was gone I spent a lot of money trying to keep in contact with him that I am not sure I have funds to drop everything I am doing and go up there, however, I feel just plain awful about that. I feel she needs me and I should be there, but there is so much on my plate right now. I am trying to start my own treatments and get the liver biopsy done, as well as handle other personal matters, that keep me running across the state and the country.
One of my best friends called me yesterday and wants me to come and help him move, this is right before I am supposed to go out of town with Kerry. I have tried to talk to my dad about what is going on and how I am feeling overwhelmed and like I am drowning with everything that is happening. He just told me that I can't save the whole world and I have to do what I have to do to survive and everyone else must fend for themselves.
For those of you that know me this is a hard pill for me to swallow, however, yesterday has been very strenuous for me, because once again I felt abandoned and left alone. I have no one to lean on or confide in. I don't understand why I have to be the strong one that everyone depends upon. When will I have someone that I can lean on and depend on? I thought that I had that but every time something comes up in my life that is hard or devastating I seem to be sitting in the room all alone. What a feeling!!
So here I sit at 3:23 in the morning writing in my blog because I have no one to talk to about the things going on in my life. It seems like I have nothing and no one and I have to stand alone and face all of it by myself. Again what a feeling! It shouldn't be this way, I am in a relationship, why isn't he here for me to talk to and cry on his shoulder? Good question! And one that I don't have the answer too.
I have been sitting around all day with all sorts of thoughts going through my head, not knowing what is actually going on anywhere. The only one filling me in on my mother is her best friend and she is trying to spare my feelings knowing that I cannot be up there with my mother at this time. I have tried to be a good son.
I am so sad and frustrated this morning, I don't know which way to turn!
Please pray for me. There is so much other stuff that is going on in my life that I can't put it in here right now because I don't want to upset anyone else...
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