Timing really is everything

You don't know how many times I shake my head in disbelief as I let opportunity and change slip through my fingers.  Now, today I am sitting here thinking about timing and just how important it really is in our lives.  How many times have you missed opportunities or relationships because your time is not the same as the other persons?  I know that this has happened too me so many times in my life and I have grown accustomed to settling for what has been left once that moment has passed. I couldn't have imagined a year ago that I would be a this place in my life, relying on others for help, rides and favors.  Even if I had, there have been so many things that I could have done had I just been careful and aware of my timing.

Today, I tried to get a dentist appointment rescheduled for several reasons, one because I have just gotten out of the hospital, two I really don't have transportation necessary to get to the appointment and three that asking my father for a ride has become very difficult.  When I called the dentist she told me that because funding was about to go away at the end of the month this appointment was really necessary if I wanted to get the work done that I need and have been approved for.  Once again that thing called timing.

I was speaking to an ex last night who has remained a very close friend of mine ever since we broke up.  He is moving to Philadelphia over the weekend and it troubled me.  See, I had come from Atlanta because my health was bottoming out and everyone thought that I was going to die.  But, when I got here I got better and pushed myself to get up on my feet and on my own.  I asked him then to come to Florida and begin again, but he wasn't really ready, and he kept putting it off.  Nearly two years went by and he finally had made a decision that it was time for him to change and get away from Atlanta, I had just gone through a very tough break up and ended up loosing my place to stay at this exact same time.  I thought we could figure it out and get a place together, but my health became a huge issue. It had been the start of the osteomylitis and the fracturing of my spine, and because I was back home at my parents house and had no place for him he ended up leaving and going to Jacksonville.  I ended up in a nursing home and then bounced around till I finally landed where I am at.  Our timing still way off from each other.  As I am writing this and thinking about what I am going through now, I wish things were different.  I really wanted him to come down here and at least be here while I go through these difficult health issues, but in a way that is totally unfair to him.  I need to do it for myself and maybe by myself.

I think about things that are going on in my daily life and I am not happy, I know that the person who is living with me is just here maybe in a way because he wants to be, but also due to circumstances and that isn't anyway to go forward.  I do dread being alone and being isolated.  In all honestly I have never lived alone before and I am not sure that I even know how.  I know that I need to sit down and talk with the person who is living with me now and changes need to happen.  But I am not sure what I really want nor do I have any real clue what he wants.  I just know that because of the tumor, life is going to get very difficult for me all over again.    I am not the most trusting soul in the world and I have pretty much no friends here in the Daytona Beach area.

Some people have uncanny timing and seem to glide through life effortlessly, I know that it is all a matter of perspective, but things seem to happen naturally for them.  I seem to never see the big picture until the time to act has passed.  In love and in life timing makes a big difference and impacts our daily lives in entirely different ways.  If you connect with some and they with you I suggest that no matter what is going on in your life, world or existence you owe it to yourself and them to explore it to the fullest.  Life is short and you don't want to live with regrets. Take stock of your situation and reach out to those you hold dear, and let them know it.  Don't use the excuse that the time is just not right, because if you don't act at that moment you may have lost it forever.   I am a big believer that we can create perfect moments for ourselves so we need use that ability to our advantage.

I can still remember when Bobby and I first met, we had just gotten off the train and were waiting for a bus to pull in to the station and take us where we needed to go.  We hit it off, found out that we had mutual likes and a definite attraction for one another.  He was homeless and I was just about to lose the place that I was living in, despite everything we managed to come together.  He kept telling me that he wasn't ready for a relationship that he had nothing to offer.  But the truth was we had one another and that was enough. Somehow we made it work and were together for 6 months or so before we let petty things get in the way such as drugs, addiction and a host of other things.  Since, that time we have never gotten back in sync and it seems that maybe our time will not ever come again.  Since, I am staying in Florida at least for a while and he is off to Pennsylvania at the beginning of the week.  Yet, somehow I have don't believe that never is an option, and I know that we will always be close friends.

I have to admit that I am lost right now, drifting on the waves of uncertainty and I don't know what to do to get my head on right.  Friends keep moving away or even dying and I wish that I had some people closer to me and who I could possibly talk to about the way that I am feeling, but unfortunately I don't. So I am at the hands of fate right now as I await the results of the biopsies and wonder which way I should look or turn too.  I have been in this location for 6 months and I am not happy, I feel isolated, lonely and afraid.  Where do I go?  Where should I turn?  I know that I am truly never alone that God is with me and has me in His hands but I spent much of the day home alone and been thinking and I know that change has got to come.  Though my days of adventure might be over for now, what should I do?

Any ideas?  Let me know,

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

The death of Self

You may be wondering what I mean when I say that self must die.  During my recent hospitalizations I realized something profoundly important.  See, I know that God is with me and has His angels surrounding me at any given moment of the day.  We are truly never alone even when we feel that there is no one with us and feel weary and burdened.  Yet, the truth of the matter is that no matter what you are facing, going through, or experiencing we are truly never left alone and helpless.

Christians believe that when we are born again and baptized into our faith, that the Holy Spirit is imparted to us.  I believe this to mean that when we seek forgiveness for our sinful nature and repent of our sins before God, we are given a Comforter, whom I believe is the Holy Spirit and He takes up residence within us.  The Bible is pretty specific when talking about the Holy Spirit, rebirth and the indwelling and the Comforter is mentioned several times throughout the gospels.  However, when we are born again in Christ our spiritual body goes through a change and this change enables the Holy Spirit to take up residence within our being.  Remember that the body is a temple and should be treated as such and given the reverence and respect the House of the Lord deserves.

But what does it truly mean for one's self to die?  I believe that there comes a time when you realize that nothing you do would ever be enough to over come a problem or difficulty.  You may have some deep seeded fear or desire that you with the Lord to take care of. You bring it to Him in the form of prayer, and we are told that we are to leave it there.  What does that mean leave it there?  It means that once you present your problem to the Lord and lay it at His feet you must then walk away, do not think on it, dwell on it or worry about it ever again.  For if you do any of those things you have not truly left them at the feet of Jesus.

We all have had times when we feel that our prayers are going no higher than the ceiling and maybe you don't understand why, and you become anxious thinking that your prayer is not being answered or even heard. I want to reassure you that all prayers are heard, it is then our job to relinquish them and worry no more.  Know in your heart of hearts that the Lord is going to answer the prayer and deliver you from whatever circumstance you are going through.  Yet, here is the hard part, as humans we are used to doing things on our own, making a difference, and we almost always seem to use the term I.  I did this, I accomplished this, Look what I have done! etc.  Do you realize that you yourself are becoming a block to your own blessings?  Instead of giving credit where it is actually due, you are letting yourself get in the way.

So here I sit in a hospital bed, waiting to have a second surgery and hoping for the best possible outcome.  I know that there are hundreds of people out there right now praying for me.  They are praying for total healing, or maybe for skilled guidance of the surgeons hands or whatever the case maybe.  Those prayers are being heard even as they are thought of and uttered.  But, if I have not totally surrendered myself to the Will of God, I personally maybe the reason why those prayers are not fulfilled or realized.  I must let go of my fear, anxiety and worry and accept whatever God has planned for me and my life, I might miss out on all those powerful prayers that others are saying for me.

I know that even as the Father watches the sparrow, He is watching over me.  He will not allow me to needlessly let me suffer, and no matter what I am going through there is a lesson there that I must grasp and understand.  God is the great physician, He created this thing we call the body and He knows it down to it's smallest component.  He has graced me with the gift of life and if it be my time to go home than I shall rejoice with the Heavenly Host, but if it isn't my time then I have a lesson to learn and strength to be gathered from the experience.  I must truly surrender and accept that God is in control and He has the best healthcare plan in all the universe.

So I leave you now, knowing that I must have some sleep before the surgery in the morning and that I must give over and totally surrender everything I am and what I believe in order for me to receive the full blessing of the prayers that are being spoken on my behalf.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Keep on coming back for more!

No matter how much we fuss and fight with each other we keep coming back for more.  The truth is that we can't get enough of each other.  You complete the other half of me, the fit might not be perfect but you are the only thing that makes me feel the way that you do.

It is true that I pick and find fault it is just my way of telling you that I love you. but the truth is I wouldn't want you any other way.   Love is an impossible creature to hold down and name, but we have tried on so many different names and styles, but is you that I have always dreamed of.

You are my one and only and I hope that I am the same to you.  I have found home in your arms and comfort in your eyes.  I surrender to you because you are the light I follow in the darkness,  I know that in you find safe harbor and rest.

No matter how from you I roam it is you that is always on my mind. I miss your kiss, you touch and your sweet embrace. I count the minutes, hours and days till I see you again. No matter what we have been through I just can't get enough of you.

So, if you were to throw me out the door, I want you to know that I would keep coming back for more.  Because you are my Love, light and everything.  Yes, it is true I treasure and love everything about you.

As always, my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Dare to Dream Make it Happen

Earlier today I posted an entry about fear, I gave a very simple plan to overcome and face that fear.  A way in which we can eliminate some of the risk and weigh the consequences to sway our decision making process.  But, there is something else that I would like to talk to you about.  Dare to dream, because we live in a world today that makes it possible for us to attain our dreams, if we just apply ourselves.  Make every decision with the goal of your dream firmly ahead of you.

Dreams are a wonderful thing, they can propel us to be better than ourselves.  One person can change the world, one idea can spark a universe of change.  Great leaders are called to service and if you are wondering by what I mean when I say called? I am talking about sharing your passion with the world, exploring your dreams and soaring to the heights of your imagination.  Life is short and fleeting, but each of us adds our own unique signature to the world as we pass through it.  We are unique works of art and we enhance the world that knows us.

I bet the Benjamin Franklin never thought that any of his letters or works of writing would be remembered and quoted hundreds of years after his death.  He was a diplomat, inventor, writer, and many other things.  What makes us worthy of being remembered in the history books?  Will we be remembered like the President, or a famous person?  Maybe not on such a grand scale.  But I will tell you that someone in this world who has been touched by you and your life and presence  will remember you always.  Who knows my writing maybe remembered way after I have left this world. 

I have been told that my writing is simply easy to understand and extremely to the point on many issues facing those around me and who read my blog.  But, my blog for me is mainly as a coping mechanism and a place where I can purge my inner pain and issues.  I have never wanted to be famous, I just wanted to be liked and have the ability to help people who are dearly in need.  My dream has always been to leave my mark on this world by knowing that I have touched, helped, inspired as many people as I could and that they will always remember me. 

You cannot succeed in this world if you don't try and apply effort.  You will only find true happiness within yourself. Trust me when I tell you that you will only enjoy the work that you do if it is what you have a passion for.  Celebrate your talent and follow your hearts desires, you owe it to yourself to be true to your dream.  Remember, that life is but a fleeting thing and we cannot all be famous, but we all can be remembered by our friends and those that have loved us.  

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Uncontrolled Fear

For the past 2 weeks I have been facing a fear that has become uncontrollable the longer that I have been dealing with my medical situation.  If you are familiar with my blog you will have undoubtedly read that I was told that I have a tumor growing rapidly in my right kidney.  Even worse than that the lab results that were taken this past Thursday show that my kidney functions are steadily on the decline.  This coupled with the fact that I have several other terminal illnesses that my body is also dealing with.  This has not left me with a comfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I am not sure what the right course of action is at this moment in time is for me and the treatments that the doctors are suggesting.

What is funny is that I am not afraid for myself.  I am afraid for the ones that might be left alone if I were to die.  Now that I have broached the subject of death, I might as well elaborate on what I am talking about and dealing with.  See I have known for a little while that I had the tumor, what I didn't know was the possibility of it being cancerous.  That pushed it into a realm of unworldliness for me.  I have faced cancer 4 other times in my life and I have managed to get by and survive.  Sometimes in tact and other times not so unscathed by the tragedy.  The last round was back in 2012 and I ended up with a second stoma that I now have to take care of daily, as if one wasn't enough already right.   But through it all I managed to survive only to break my leg a few weeks later.  I am a person who just doesn't have good luck at all  when it comes to my body and my health. 

Since 1992, I have been in a struggle for life versus cancer.  Each time I go into the battle weighing my options.  Most cases the quality of life is the most important factor I look at.  Because there are a few things that I fear such as living as a vegetable or being confined to a wheelchair or having another stroke that limits my mobility further than the spinal fractures have already produced.  My life has not been a paved road with roses, I have had more surgeries and procedures than most people have in an entire lifetime.  At the age of 23 I had my first bout with Cancer and here we are 24 years later and I am still dealing with it.  Sometimes the reason for the tumor has been because of radiation disease, however the treatment options have always been the same.  Surgery and then preventative chemotherapy.  What most people don't know is that each time you have chemotherapy the less likely the treatment will work for you.  Just like everytime you have an operation and go under anesthesia it is harder and harder to come back.  With both of these things being said having close to 29 abdominal surgeries and countless other biopsies, colonoscopies, and other treatments, how hard do you think this surgery is going to be for me?

I am a big proponent of hoping for the best and planning for the worst, because I know how much my body has been through over the years.  Which means I have every right to feel afraid.  Because time is very short on my end, I am trying to get everything wrapped up that I possibly can so that if a complication comes up there is a plan of action.  Now I am not saying that something is definitely crop up, but as my medical track record goes out of every 5 surgeries a complication had arose and I had to stay in the hospital way longer than was expected.  So at this point I have weighed this in my analysis of what is best way to proceed when dealing with the surgery and the doctor recommendations.  But here is another fun fact that goes into my equation.  I believe in the power of pray and I know that God is the ultimate healer and that if it is His will I will be completely healed from this an there will be no decline in my comfort of living.

Fear is one of the hardest emotions to pin down and overcome.  Fear is a force that needs to be reconned with.  It is an emotion that can hold you in place, and keep you from moving forward and taking the chance or surgery that is needed.  Fear is something that each of has from time to time.  Having fear doesn't mean that you are weak or that you are a chicken.  Fear is a normal reaction to scary situations and exploring unknown things.  Yet what makes one brave is confronting and dealing with the fear you are feeling.  You can also keep fear in check and use it to garner strength, the same with anger.  Anger is an emotion that can creep in at the most unexpected time, such as when you are frightened or scared.  It is triggered by the feeling of helplessness in that situation, but you must remain calm, know in your heart that this is only a momentary thing, that it will pass and you will not have to deal with it again.  Each time you conquer a fear you will be so much stronger and it will become easier to face the next fear that comes up,

Fear is something that can be beaten, you can gather greater strength and knowledge the more you face and control.  You may be wondering what my decision is about my surgery.  Since I have been worrying about this so much I decided that the best option for me was to have the surgery and face the outcome.  I doubt that my quality of life will improve, but I don't see how it could possibly diminish either by having it.  i have weighed both sides of the coin from the result of all the test that have come back.  My kidney function isn't improving and the medication that I take is building up a toxicity in my blood stream that the kidney can no longer filter out for me.  So at this point it seems that the best option for me to pursue is the one of having the tumor removed and sending off to see if it is malignant or benign.  Like I said earlier in the blog is that I am not afraid of dying and that is true.  I have a fear for those that I have left behind, for those people that I have been trying to help and all of those that I have helped and those that depend on my opinion and me.  But I know in the long run that everyone will be fine.  I just hope and pray that they remember me and do for someone else what I have done for them.

2016 was supposed to be a spectacular year with low or no incidences of health issues.  Lord knows that I would have love that, because in 2015 I only spent 4 days in the hospital versus the year before when I spend almost 10 full months in the hospital.  Life seemed to be getting better for me if you compare 2013 to now.  This time things feel different too me and I fear that I am going to have to face this surgery all by myself.  Long time readers will know that my biggest fear is dying alone and forgotten.  I have done so many things in my life for others that I believe that it will be very hard for anyone who has met me to forget me totally.  But the alone part is the hard thing that I am wrestling with now.  Because I am not sure what the outcome of this surgery is going to be, or where for that matter.  My VA doctors are wanting me to go to Tampa to the VA hospital there,  keep in mind that I live in Daytona Beach which is close to 3 hours away.  I do have an alternative plan when the Urologist here in Daytona could operate on me and bill the VA or medicare which ever one decides to pay. 

Weighing the pros and cons of a situation is one of my ways of dealing with problem situations and which ever column comes out with the list amount of entries is usually the way that I go.  But I also try to analyze the consequences of the choice that I have made.  If the cost and risk outweighs the benefit and least amount of consequence I move in that direction.  Each individual decision has a certain amount of risk involved and it is up to you to weigh the risks against the rewards and make a choice.  You can also try and mitigate some of the risks to make the rewards that much better.  I don't know what you are going through or if this might help someone else out there that might be going through something similar, but I hope that I can reach at least one person that might need the advice. 

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

A contingency Plan

What would you do if everyone keeps telling you that having surgery is extremely dangerous?  With that being said you also need to know that if you don't have the operation the cancer is going to spread and will eventually kill you?  Would you elect to have the surgery and hope that the doomsayers are wrong and that everything is going to be alright or would you take the chance of the cancer staying contained and never spreading?    It is a hard question to process and think about and even more of a drag on your mood and emotions.  These are the questions that I am facing.

However, I think that I have made my decision based upon my past experience with cancer and have decided to have the surgery and hope for the best.  However,  my grandmother always told me to hope for the best but plan for the worse that way you will never find yourself in a situation of disappointment.  So I have gone ahead with the plan to have the surgery and have found a surgeon who can do a minimally invasive surgery which doubles my outlook and recovery time.

But as always I have a contingency plan in place in case things go horribly wrong.  I have asked that my doctors do not resuscitate me in the event of heart failure or death under the anesthesia.  If I am on life support I have asked my step mother and father to make sure that the plug is pulled and that I am let go.  I do not want to have a machine doing the hard work for me even if there is a slight chance that I might pull through.  It is my understanding that the longer you are on the machine the harder it is to come back.  Also I am not sure what would come back if my consciousness has already left my body. 

I am a believer that we are energy beings and I believe that all energy exists in the universe and is neither created nor destroyed just changed.  Therefore if my mind checks out, I check out.  I am ready to start the next phase of life. I have been battling this disease for way to long and the journey has been very rough and tiring, I am ready to move on.  I am very tired after fighting for 22 years. 

Now that this is the 5th bout of cancer that I have suffered through I want to just let go but I don't know how to.  Life is all about choices and decisions we make and the consequences that result from them. If we are comfortable with the consequences then the action taken can be seen in light of our own best interests.  Though it may be hard for others to accept the choices we have made, because no one truly understands where you are at in your own personal life which forms the basis for the conclusion you have reached.

In all things you should weigh the risks and make clear choices that help reduce or eliminate the risks you face. So, putting a contingency plan in place is the best option. It shows that you have viewed the scenarios that surround each issue and have made a conscious decision based on predicted outcomes and should something unforseen crop up you have a way to deal with it. It also shows that you have weighed the consequences and have chosen the best alternatives that you see.  Remember that the future is not set in stone and can be changed by a single situation and reaction. Therefore, I suggest that not only do you come up with a plan to deal with the immediate concern, but also any other conceivable outcomes.  This ensures that all contingencies are met and dealt with at the appropriate time and place. You also might want to work on an exit strategy a separate plan that allows you a quick and orderly retreat and allows you to avoid the risk totally if the cost becomes too great for you to accept.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.

Uncle B 

Unexpected news and uncertain revelations

Well 2016 is well underway and we have all made it through the first month and a half and seem to still be chugging along.  For now that is!  Just when you think things can't get any worse something creeps up from the shadows of the past and hits you squarely in the head. 

The past 5 years haven't been very kind to me or my health and I am always surprised when I think I have something licked and it turns out to just be a recurring item in my bizarre and strange world.  I have known for a very long time that my body has a different notion of living than my mind does.  My mind doesn't seem to think that there is anything wrong with me physically and my body seems to take pleasure in revealing at the most in appropriate times that the mind is lying to me.  It seems almost like a dream now that I suffered from near catastrophic paralysis just 2 years ago when my spinal column was invaded by a nasty bacterial infection.  Oh I made it through that lovely situation by living in a nursing home/rehabilitation center, months and months of therapy and intravenous drugs and slowly I recovered.  Not fully, my strength never seemed to come back from that and the pain in my spine has never really gone away.

But nothing had prepared me for the news that I received this morning.  Nothing could have at all!!

For those of you my faithful friends and followers that have been going through this journey with me you will see that no matter how many things change in ones life, there are just as many things that remain the same.  When I got sick with my back trouble in 2014 my mother was going through something very similar.  I got better, I can still walk and use my legs and my spine seems to be fusing at right locations to eventually lead to a full recovery.  My mother on the other hand wasn't so lucky her doctors operated where my did not.  My mother never walked out of that hospital, she was irreversibly paralyzed from the waist down.  Damage to her spinal cord has made it impossible for her to walk and has dramatically changed her life.  Tuesday she was supposed to go to the doctors about pain that she had been experiencing in her feet and she was hospitalized all over again.  I found out this morning when I called her that she is also suffering acute renal failure, something that I am all too familiar with.  Since I suffer from it constantly since my initial colon surgery in 2005.  Yet, this was not the only thing that my mother was told she was told that the infection in her back is back and that she also has a lump in her breast which appears to be at this point cancerous.  Now, please understand that I have known that my mother was experiencing problems that I could not even begin to imagine, but somehow I have always thought that my parents were invincible and that I would be the one that would leave the earth before them.  Now, I am not so sure of that anymore and I am scared and worried about my mother.

But that wasn't all the news that I received today that has given me pause and the need to reflect.  See the results of my test have come back as well and what I thought was just a benign growth on my right kidney has turned out to be a whole other creature indeed.   This morning I was told in no uncertain terms that I need to have surgery that the tumor has grown vastly in just a few months time and now cancer threatens my entire core being once again.  Funny just a few short months ago I was given a totally different outlook on my health and wellbeing by the very same doctors that are now telling me that my situation has turned from serious to grave. 

Funny using that word to describe a state for which I have been preparing for since 1991.  Since June of 1991 I have known that my health had taken a turn for the serious and that I would forever after have a complicated life ahead of me.  But the Grace of God has seen fit to give me a pass for a very long time and has allowed me to share my life with many people that would have never had the chance to get to know me had I died all those years ago.  Life hasn't been easy and at times I have feared for it, yet somehow I knew that my time and usefulness hadn't come to end.  I felt that there were many things that I needed to do and say before I could finish what I had started here on Earth with my birth.  So when the doctors told me this news that they were going to have to go in and despite them repeatedly telling me that I would not endure any more surgeries that my body had  gone through enough and simply couldn't recover.  What am I supposed to think and do now? 

I do not fear death as I thought I might, I just don't feel like dying, I am selfish I guess because I want to live.  I want to accomplish a few more things before I have to say good bye to this world.  However, with the doctors not giving me much hope on this front anymore, I am just wondering how I am going to tell all the people that I love and who love me that I may not be seeing them anymore.  I have lost so many people along the way to this point in my life.  People who I felt deserved a more full and better life than I did. Yet, for whatever reason God chose them to come home and left me here to carry on.  I knew in the back of my mind that things weren't right and that I probably wouldn't make it to my 50th birthday, but I thought as we all do that I would have more time.  I am not afraid for myself, because I know that I am about to start a new adventure in a totally different way, I am scared for you those I leave behind in this world that has gone crazy, where total direction and certainty of our entire nation is left in the balance of chance and fate.  This election year is shaping up in the most uncanny way, people don't recall history very well at all...Barry Goldwater entered into an election that was rudimentary and fundamentally the same as what is happening now. Untraconservative and Socialist squaring off.  Both sides of the parties one so far right and the other so far left are going to cause such an unstable rift in our political landscape that our Nation will not recover fully from it this time. 

The world is changing, governments have come and gone and yet the same old bigotry, hate and intolerance survives in the world.  I have tried my entire life to bring hope and joy to those around me.  I was successful a great many of those times, but there have been other times when I have failed utterly and miserably. I take what I have and what I have been given and I give without failing to those I see in need.  My help is never enough but it is always on time.  I am leaving this world without a legacy, I don't know who will be crazy enough to give as much as I do, so I don't know what is going to happen from here forward.  All I know is that I still love each and everyone of you, there are others with my family name that will carry forth that love after I am gone.  They don't know you, and some have never met me, I am sure they all know of me and who I am, but I have lived a life of my own choosing and I know that my death is going to come before any of us are prepared.  I just know that time is running out and the my race is no longer important. 

So in a flash just like that branch of the family tree that I am apart of seems to be about to disappear shortly and irrevocably forever. 

To the rest of the Zepp clan, I stand in awe and amazement of where and how we all started and I am thankful that I was apart of your family.  Many of you have accomplished some very amazing things and have overcome so much hardship and turmoil to get to where you are today.  But you all have become successful in all your endeavors and have created something that is going to last way after you are gone.  I unfortunately was not so lucky, there are many that will remember me in there hearts and minds fondly.  But my choices and path have left no one and nothing.  I have no children, I only have you my family and I hope that you remember me as I was a kind and gentle person who loved to help others.

I may not make it through the surgery and the treatments that are coming faster than a speeding bullet.  My mother might not make it through her treatments and surgeries that are heading her way. So we are preparing you, making sure you are ready to LIVE!  Because life is a banquet and there are too many people starving out there.  So be true to yourselves and love each other and go forth into the world and make a difference. 

As always my hopes and dreams are with you.


Uncle B