Wednesday, April 6, 2016

The Time Has Come

Tick tock goes the clock on the wall
Tick tock I can see it all
Nothing spoken here
can make this clear
Body lies in shock and fear
have heard the message dear
that the time is near or should say that it's here

Cause in the morning I will see the sun
Oh the day has just begun
The darkness of the night has been swept aside
The sun is full of life and cheer
so sweep away the dread my dear
The time is here
Its bright outside.

Be happy and merry
there's no time to terry
tick tock goes the clock on the wall
tick tock can't you here it's call
It's spring beckoning to summer's call
winters dread has lost its thrawl

In the light you see it clear
Nothing last forever
be merry and full of good cheer
Except for happy ever after
Nothing last forever.

Tick tock goes the clock on the wall
Tick tock I can see it all
Nothing ventured nothing gained
Don't let earthly things give you pain
Face each dawn with a smile
Don't give in to stress or strain
just laugh and give that extra mile.

Tick tock goes the clock on the wall
Tick tock I have seen it all
Tick tock goes the clock on the wall
Tick tock be brave and tall
Tick tock you will survive through all.

Nothing last forever
except for ever after
so treat each trial with a smile and laughter.

The big C not totally unexpected but still?

I was talking to my father yesterday afterr meeting with my urologist.  I told him that I thought it would get easier thelonger I dealt with cancer.  But the truth of the matter the disease scares the hell out of me.  I have seen what it has done to other people, and I certainly have had my share of experiences with this disease.  Yet, each time I am told by a doctor that I have cancer that  same old feeling descends on me and I feel helpless and afraid, just like the first time I ever heard the name mutttered in my direction.

Now, if you are a faithful reader you know that this is definitely not my first time at this rodeo, as a matter of fact this is my 4th reoccurence of cancer in one form or another since 2005.  So when I entered the doctors office the verdict was not totally unexpected.  When you have lived as long as I have and have continued to battle the same disease over and over again, you sort of become an expert in strategy and tactics that the doctors have in their arsenal. Not to mention you become highly tuned to the inner workings of your body that nothing  creeps past you and jumps out from the shadows. 

Luckily when I was 23 and was diagnosed with cancer the first time, the chemo and radiation were highly effective and I was able to enjoy 11 great years totally cancer free.  I would say that this was the time that my life and career actually excelled and I accomplished meaningful tasks and learn so much.  It was during that 10 year break that I learned everything I could learn about the disease that I had, and how my body felt throughout the different stagesof treatment and trained myself to look for recurring symptoms that might indicate the a major change was happening within my body.

But, no matter how much you know and how well you think you are prepared you never like to hear the words cancer when referring to yourself.  True there are all sorts of new treatment options and a great many people survive and eventually become cured.  In my case I have been attacked on 3 occasions with 3 different types of cancer.  The first one is Large Cell Lymphoma,  this is a non-hodgekins lymphoma and it primarily attacks the lymphatic system and is very fast growing.  The next was colorectal cancer and that in comparison with Large cell is a much slower growing and moving type of cancer and in most cases surgery seems to be the best offer.  If you  have a localized spot where the tumor has grown and is contained within an organ or a cavity, these types can be easily removed with little because they have not begun to spread. 

I have learned that chemo is so harsh on the body andit is actually industrial stregnth poison that is injected to your blood in the hopes that it will kill the abnormal cancer cells before it kills your healthy good cells.  Which in and of itself seems like a risk that has the potential for great success or for great failure depending on your body and the resiliency of the cancer which they are trying to fight.  Repeated treatments of chemo add the potential for large amounts of scar tissue to be formed where damaged cells have tried to protect themselve and recover from this harsh toxic agent.  This can lead to complications down the road, because as scar tissue is formed abnormal cells can also form right along with it.  These abnormal cells when they grow together are called a tumor and are the basis for cancer.  Thus begins a vicious cycle.

Cancer can come back multiple times and can form due to many different reasons, some genetics, others damage to organs and tissue.  Whereas, certain medications can cause certain problems to creep up and from there the cells can easily be mutated and viola, cancer is once again a major player on the field waging war with you entire being.  In my case the HIV drug called Atripla is largely responsible for the damage to my kidney.  The component of the drug cause some trauma to my kidney and impaired it's functioning.  This impairment became great enough at one point that kidney stones formed, and because of their size had to be surgically removed.  What I didn't realize then was that the complications that came up when I was dealing with the kidney stones was going to greatly impact my life in any meaningful fashion until yesterday. 

When my right kidney was filled with stones, my kidney would back up and the bladder would not be able to totally empty itself completely.  Because of this a urinary tract infection soon ensued and the urologist of the time decided that he was going to put a stint into that kidney and by pass the uritors and connect the kidney directly to the bladder and aleviate some of the pain and discomfort I  was having from these infections.  This took place in 2011, and here we are 6 years later and the significance of that action finally hit home with me yesterday afternoon once I got home from the doctor and was able to sit down and think about what I had heard and battled 3 other times in my life.  It is my opinion, which I must say is pretty well supported by the ultrasound and image studies that were done on the tumor before the biopsy was completed.  Looking at the pictures it is fairly easy to tell that the tumor has formed in the most likely spot that a stint would have resided years ago that connected the bladder and the kdiney toget.  

See when the doctor pulled out that stint so long ago,, scar tissue was able to grow over the areas that were actually damaged by the insertion of the stint.  The scar tissue was dense enough that the tumor was able to grow for a period of time hidded deep within.  The scar tissue not only gave the tumor a very good hiding place it also was able to mask the symptoms so I wasn't actually aware taht I was feeling off and that I had another outbreak of cancer.  This being said I want you to know that once again my trip down this new adventure has started out just like all of the other pervious bouts with cancer.

All I can tell you that finding out that the cancer is back and that it is in another location and that you have a chance that this tumor has spread to areas where you can't find it and that is when things really start getting really scary and real period!  I really wasn't surprised that the tumor that they found on my right kidney turned out to be cancerous.  What was surprising was that this was a totally new form of cancer, one that I have had  absolutely no experience dealing with previously.   The up side of this type of cancer is that it currently is localized to the right kidney wall and though it has tendrils that could eventually mean growth and spreading I was assured by the doctor that this was a very slow growing form of cancer and that I should respond to the treatment plan that he put in place to highly favorablely. 

However, with all of that out on the table in front of you to view I should go on to tell you about the entire conversation that I had with my doctor yesterday and sort of point out where the creeping little doubt and fear is coming from with this new found information.  See even though this tumor was caught fairly early in the stages and it is slow growing I have to add in the factor that I have had a very complicated medical history with numerous issues and complications creeping up in all of my previous encounters with this dreaded disease.  So, with all of the previous issues and complication this tumor could actually become more serious than orginally thought, especially if it truly has started to grow and spread.  Because the migration path is not a very clean path and could eally if this isn't handled in the best possible manner could easily spread to my spine and from there pelvis, chest and eventually could even reach my brain.  Once it reaches the spine it is only a matter of time before it goes from casual to tragic.  See I already have spinal issues and compromised bone marrow, and these factors alone make for a deadly outcome. 

A vicious cycle seems to ensue and before I know it the cancer could be everywhere in my body.  Plus the fact that this tumor has grown significantly it's symptoms and pain might actually mask the growth of cancer in other parts of my body and thus lead to a much larger problem than originally indicated.  So I have decided to take the most proactive steps that I can aggressively persue and have selected having a different type of procedure performed that might be able to totally eradicate the diease way before any more significant damage can happen to my body.  I have agreed to let them go in through my back and freezd the tumor which will immediately necratized the bad cells while allowing the good cells to remain unharmed.  I am looking at having to have this surgery performed rather quickly to head off the cancer and be totally healed.

It is just funny that no matter how many times I have been told that I have cancer,  that same ole fear and trepidation seem to sneak in and cuase mental anguish.  Nothing prepares you to hear those words or how to react once you have heard them. But like I told a woman that I met at Family Dollar the other night:  "God doesn't give us more than we can bare, for longer than we can stand!"  Which serves to remind me that this too is just a fleeting problem, and will not last very long in deed and will therefore make me a much stronger person in the long run

As always my hopes and dreams ware with you ,

Uncle B

Monday, April 4, 2016

Earth Renewed

Welcome to Spring the time of Earth's renewal.  I wanted to write a poem but my heart wasn't in it tonight.  So I thought that we would just have a little chat, just you and me.  There is so much happening right now, my head is spinning and I don't seem to have the traction I should have to move forward at a steady pace.  It seems like I am constantly running to this doctor or that doctor, but I know it is just for now.  Nothing last forever and this health scare will be over before you know it and something else will be pulling me in a new direction.

But as winter has lost it's hold on the world and the days have gotten longer, the temperatures have gotten warmer, things don't seem to be as grey and bleak as they did just a few months ago.  The air is full of sounds of nature breaking from it's long slumberr, and I wake every morning to the songs of birds.  All of this brightens my tired and weary soul.  I love the smell of all the fresh new growth and the brilliant colors of all the new growth, and I know in my heart that nothing is going to hold me down. 

Spring is a transitional time and  as I told you I feel that change is inevitable for all of us.  With spring comes all sorts of new opportunities and the world unfolds before us with endlless possiblities.  I don't fear what these doctors are saying because like the earth my body is also going through a period of renewal.  I am looking forward to taking time iin just a few months from now and traveling up to Pennsylvania to see my family.  Too much time has gone by and I haven't seen or talked to many of them in years, and I think it is time. 

As the air becomes lighter and the fragrances of new life flows all around, I life my head to the sky and feel the warmth of the sun on my face and know that I have been so highly favored and blessed.  I have been so very lucky to have had a few good people who stood by me and helped me through the dark days of illness. I want them to know that everything that you did for me and meant to me didn't go unnoticed and certainly was appreciated.  Each and everyone of you has been a part of my support network and without your prayers and valiant efforts I probably wouldn't be here still today.  So Thank You!  I love you with all of my heart.  I know there are a couple of you that I no longer talk to, I hope that life has been treating you kindly and that you have found the happiness that you were seeking.

The lessons that I have had to learn, the time I needed to grow and mature were necessary for me to get to where I am today.  I am sorry that we lost each other along the way.  But, it finally dawned on me that we learned from each other and our time was up and we had to move on, but I have never forgotten you. I think about you often, if you don't think of me that is cool, I certainly understand there was stress and tension and as with all growth a certain element of pain. 

With the days warmer my pulse has gotten stronger, I feel the need to be out in nature and see new things.  I have finally put away the selfish desires and I embrace each new morning with a clean slate.  I live in the moment and celebrate life, I no longer dwell on the past, and I have learned how to let go of the stress.  I love spring because as the earth renews so does my heart and my spirit.

With a song in my heart and joy and happiness in my mind I walk forward from this day to the next with a renewed sense of self, with a brand new purpose and goal for what is coming next. 

You don't know how long it took me to learn that strenght and happiness are something that is found within.  That self confidence and self esteem are attributes that are better off demonstrated and that life is too short and fleeting to worry about what other people think about me.  Nothing they do impacts me or my life in any way so why should I let their opinion get to me? 

In 2004 my roller coaster health journey took off in high gear, and has been a long and tiring ride.  But honestly I don't know what my life would have been had I not had to go through everything that I have.  It wasn't my lot in life to have perfect health like my father and brother.  I wasn't that fortunate.  But, i gained so many other insights that I might not have learned any other way.  This journey has taught me a deeper understanding of my spirit, my heart, my mind all of this has created the person who is here writing to you tonight.  I would have never learned how to experience life to the fullest and live in the moment, I would still be carrying around the baggage from my past. Carrying that stuff kept my hands full and I couldn't pick up new things and I missed out on so  much.  It also taught me that If I kept looking backward, how in the world could I move forward, all I was doing was stumbling around. 

I can't say that i would wish my journey on anyone else because I really wouldn't.  It was difficult for me, but I knew that i wasn't going to be given anything that i couldn't bear.  The Bible promises that we will never be given more than we can handle.  But, I also learned that God will never give us more than we can bear for any longer than we can stand.  Issues come and go, they never last forever, and that is because God is watching out for us.

To Joe, Sterling, David, John, Alan, Sa'Corey, and all the others that were so instrumental in helping me get through the long hard days of cancer, HIV and everything else.  I wish that things were different and that you all were here with me and still a part of my daily life.  Like I said earlier, I am so thankful that you were brought into my life and were there for me when I needed you most.  You are missed terribly, but I am thankful for all that I have learned from you and I hope that you learned something from me in return. 

To my family in Pennsylvania, I am so sorry that we drifted so far apart.  You are always in my heart, thought and mind.  I am sorry if I have disappointed you, but Grammy gave me a piece of advice that I have tried to live daily, to be myself and to be true to my heart and feelings.  She told me that it made me special and that because my heart was so big that I would help a lot of people and would change the world one person at a time.  Not a day goes by that I don't miss Grammy.  She knew me way before I knew myself and accepted me and loved me for who I was and who she knew i would become.  One day I hope that you will see that I am still the boy that you grew up with. 

It is time for the renewal of the Earth.  It is also the time to renew ourselves.  Be honest with yourself, love yourself, do what makes you happy, and everything else will fall away and you will feel an inner growth and peace that is so worth it.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Thursday, March 31, 2016

Extend yourself

We cannot choose who our family is, but that doesn't mean that you should just give up.  Families are the toughest of all relationships and can try your patience at the best of times and down right piss you off at the worst.  Like it or not you are stuck with them.  But just because you are stuck with them doesn't limit your options on what type of relationship you have or how close.  Let's face it families are dysfunctional and often hold you to a different standard than they do other people.  Sometimes, everything runs smoothly and others it can be a total uphill battle all the way.

Often a tragedy can tear a family apart and no matter how hard you try sometimes that hole just can't be mended.  My family was very close up until my grandmother passed away, once that happened the family drifted apart and years went by before lines of communication were once again tried.  Unfortunately, for the most part those attempts failed and my father's side of the family splintered.  A majority of the family remained in Pennsylvania while others moved away.  Facebook has become a way that I can keep track of some of the things that are going on with that side of the family.  Though not every member has an account, nor do they talk to me other than in passing.  I would assume that much of that has to do with my being gay and living so far away from them.

Now, my grandparents on my mother's side of the family have both passed.  My grandmother died first when I had just graduated high school, my grandfather more recently.  However, once my grandfather died my uncle turned very ugly towards my mother and tried to take everything that my grandfather left her.  This caused a huge rift that has never been mended, as a matter of fact my mother and her brother have not spoken since then.  Death can cause all sorts of ill feelings to come out, and there is always someone that feels that they deserve more than they got.  The truth of the matter is they didn't work for it, they didn't earn it, and whatever they got they should cherish, because at least they were thought of and not forgotten.  But, family dynamics are far from predictable.

No one is perfect, and siblings and parent can be harder on you and push you to your absolute limit.  However, as I have learned each of us can have an extended family, people that are like minded and accept you as you are.  Over the years I have cultivated and crafted my own unique group of brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles that are not related by blood, but by mindset and attitude.  These are the true friends that have stood by me through everything that I have been through, helped me pick up the pieces of my life when it has fallen apart.  They are the ones that have encouraged me and given me the moral support I needed when my health turned bad.  The are also the ones that have told me exactly how that felt, they have always been upfront and honest with me, no matter how much it hurt.  These are the friends that you need in your corner.  These are the ones that call you out on your bullshit and foolishness, and the same ones that are your cheering squad when you are on the right track and doing good.

Life doesn't give you any guaranties and you never know what might happen tomorrow.  So many people come through our lives and it is hard to know which ones are just there for a time or there to stay.  Think about it like this people are like dandelions that once their blooms fade away a puffy seed is sprouted that take flight on the breeze,  They drift and float driven by the whims and currents of the wind some of these seeds finally reach fertile ground and they spring roots and there they grow and become a new plant.  As an acquaintances come and go as if they are blown by the wind, but a few of these souls will actually take root and a friendship will grow and eventually bloom.

You would be amazed at how many individuals that I have come across that are only out for themselves and they had me in their sights to use and take advantage of.  I have been fooled on several occasions and have been hurt and abused, but we have to go through the bad to find the good ones.  Believe it or not there are still good people out there in the world, and if you are vigilant you will find them.  Any relationship that is toxic needs to be done away with, whether it is a family relationship or a friendship. If it is hurting you then you need to let it go and move on.

Families can be the most toxic of relationships if you let them.  No matter the circumstance, if they are not building you up and being supportive then I say cut them and let them be.  Find some way in which to have a relationship even if it is through Facebook or email.  Family is family, they are your blood. and they can hurt so much more deeply than anyone else you might come across.

I would leave you with this one piece of advice.  Extend yourself, create your own support structure and network with like minded people that care and nurture you. I think you will find yourself in a much brighter and happier place.  There is nothing wrong with a family of your own creation that supplements the one that you were born with.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

A Dawning of Understanding

You would be surprised where I come up with some of the thoughts that I write about here in my blog.  I have been writing in this blog since 2012 when I moved from Atlanta back to Florida.  You know it never dawned on me to question my daily existence till seriously till today.  What I am actually talking about is that I have never questioned in great detail why I have struggled so hard with money.  Of course like everyone I have toyed with it and complained about it but I never really truly took the time to actually explore this other than cursory.   But, tonight as I was walking out to the dumpster taking my kitchen trash out I got to thinking about the money problems my parents faced when I was growing up and began to compare them to the troubles that I have with my own expenses.  I came up with something a little bit startling.  I realized that the same problems my parents faced over and over again are no different then what I deal with from month to month, with one very big exception, instead of 4 mouths I am only feeding 2.  However, that is by my own choice and something that I have been thinking about a great deal lately.

I am now 47 years old and for the past 24 years or so, I have been supporting myself as well as others, these may have been family members, or people that I chose to help but all in all the absolute truth is that I was supporting them and they were living with me by my own choice.  As I have gotten older I now understand the sacrifices that my parents made to provide for me and my brother.  How they had to go out with things just so that we could have the things that we wanted and needed.  I am amazed at the strength and the commitment that went into the decisions that they made in order to work as hard as they did and pretty much just turn over that hard earned money to me and my brother so that we could do the things that we wanted to do when we were growing up.

My parents are some of the last baby boomers that generation that is now entering their late 60's and early 70's.  They worked all their lives and are just now getting to be able to retire. Unfortunately, for my mother she is now disabled and cannot enjoy her golden years like she would like too.  But, still the truth remains that I now understand some of what she and my father went through to make sure that there was always food on the table, a roof over our head, and clothes on our backs.  Not, only did they provide for those things, they went out of their way to make sure that we had allowance money, cars, and were able to go out and do the things that we desired to do.  Yes, I used the word desired! because in all reality, they probably couldn't afford to pay for the concerts that I went to see or pay for the rollerskating that I was fond of doing on the weekends.  Yet somehow the money was always there.  Yes, my parents bitched and complained, but I honestly think that they hid the worst of the financial issues from us kids and sheltered us from the harsh reality of bills and responsibility.

At first in my 20's I didn't understand why I was so sheltered and I often resented the fact that my parents were so strict and controlling.  But, let's face it money doesn't grow on trees and some of the things that I thought I should be able to do and experience, they probably just couldn't afford.  Now, that I have had this epiphany, I wonder if I didn't always know this on some level and maybe that is why I never rebelled too much when I was told NO?  I think in a dim recess of my mind I did know and I will be ever grateful to my parents for the things that I was able to do, things that some of my friends never had the privilege of doing because they came from homes that didn't have a dual income like mine did.

I worry about the young people today, that are having babies and children at such a young age.  I wonder how these young parents are going to be able to provide for their children in today's economy.  It is hard out there to find a decent job that pays sufficiently to raise a family on.  Especially when minimum wage is still so low.  Some states like California are making strides to try and help those young families by raising the minimum age to $15.00 per hour.  But not every state is in a financial situation to raise the minimum wage, and now that the food stamp program has been revamped to try break the cycle of people being dependent on the assistance.  However, what happens when the job placement programs fail to lead to sustained employment.  Or worse yet, what happens when that employment doesn't pay enough to keep these families fed and housed?    A band-aid fix is not what is needed in our country, we need more programs for job creation and a stronger economy. We tend to forget that America was once a manufacturing powerhouse and that factory and other blue collar jobs were easily found.  Skilled labor and tradesmen jobs used to proliferate our nation and allowed the birth of the middle class.  With today's inflation, national debt and soaring unemployment rate, the middle class is essentially evaporating.  There is a huge disparity between the lower and upper classes, and less middle class  to insulate the nation's economy.

Maybe you should take a good look at your own childhood, acknowledge the sacrifices and struggles that your parents went through.  Thank them for their efforts and tell them how much they appreciated everything that they did for you and that you finally have a dawning of understanding to what they went through while raising you.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B


Sunday, March 27, 2016

The Easter Weekend Holiday's

For those of us with Faith the Easter Holiday's are a time of reflection and rejoicing because from tragedy and betrayal comes rebirth, redemption and grace.  But more on that in a bit, it isn't surprising that Easter falls during the lasts weeks of March or the first Weeks of April depending on the leap year and how the calendar falls.  Before Jesus trial, execution and entombment and subsequent resurrection the earlier religions and faith's held spring rituals to usher in the new spring growth and the fertility of the land.  This custom varied in times and dates as well sometimes it would be held in April or as late as May 1.  It was also the annual time of year that the populace would come together in towns, villages, and cities. As the warm spring air denoted the earths return from it's dormant period and prior to the new years crops being sown in the fields, celebrations of life and birth could be found everywhere.  Spring is when these ancestors of ours would become betrothed and marriages performed and before the fall a new crop of children would be born.  Thus, was the world in ancient times.  Today life moves at a much faster pace, and people are waiting later in years to get married and some decide not to get tied down like that.  Putting their careers before family, and lets face it in today's world divorces are happening much faster than marriages are these days.

Yes, the earth goes through a long dormant season and when spring burst forth in the land and new growth can be seen and warmer temperatures arrive, we all feel more invigorated and full of life.  We do our spring cleaning and we get out in the warmer temperatures and explore the wonders of nature.  It is a busy time for farmers, because now work has to begin in earnest if they hope to get their crops planted in time. Fields must be plowed and soil fertilized and livestock must be moved to better pastures. It is also the time when we see life coming back to the land, birds returning from their southern homes and wondrous new birth of our woodland friends.  Every year the earth goes through this ritual and the endless circle of life continues.  In our modern world though it is almost as if the world awakes from a deep grey slumber that has held the land in hibernation and our moods in a dismal space that is hard for us to break through.  Of course we have just come through our Holiday traditions that ultimately begin with Halloween and end with the celebration of New Year, but from that time on we look forward to the first rays of spring with the hope that we will make it through the rest of the hard winter and get to once again have time off.   See much of the world has to toil and labor daily with only brief breaks in that endless drone of days in our established and practiced holidays.  So from Jan 1 to end of March there are no breaks for those in school or who work for a living. But as spring burst forth on the world hope looks forward to the time when we can once again have another break and spend it however we see fit, this has become known as Spring Break.  Which is celebrated across our nation and vary from school to school and also varies as to if you are in grade school or college.

Spring break has become a national tradition here in the U.S. and has made places famous for the millions of teenagers and students that flock to these destinations to celebrate the beginning of spring.  Places like Daytona Beach, South Beach, Pensacola, Miami and of course all over the west coast and far and wide in between.  Spring break has become major business and has brought billions of tourist dollars into communities all across the nation.  But to my dismay our religious holiday has once again become corrupted by the populace and has turned into a moneymaking and money driven beast and it just increases year after year.  Just look at how fast stores put up Christmas decorations now a days.  Industry and merchandising use these holiday's to pressure us into parting with that hard earned dollar that we struggle so hard to make and work all those extra hours to try and save.  Yet, before we know it everything saved has been spent on and around the holidays.  So what am I wanting you to take away from this entry is that the holiday is that the holiday isn't for going out and partying with your friends and spending all the money you have been working so hard to save.  It is supposed to be a religious holiday a time of reflection and give us time to break from our mundane worlds and for that brief period of time share reverence and fellowship with members of our own faith.

Do you know what the Easter Holiday is supposed to represent?  It represents just how fickle the people of the world can really become and how fear and prejudice can turn an adoring populace into a blood thirsty mob.  I am pretty sure most of you have heard the Story of Jesus Christ and His life on Earth.  But, I would like to remind you that our Lord and Savior just one week prior rode into Jerusalem to the cheering of the crowd and the laying of palm branches before his entry.  We call this Palm Sunday and it was foretold by the prophet Zechariah of Jesus's entry into Jerusalem.  Remember that even as He rode in to a cheering crowd Jesus was already aware of His fate and continued on into the city and did His Father's work.  Thus, on that following Thursday Jesus has His last supper with his disciples and then awaits in the Garden of Gethsemane for arrest.  From the wee hours of morning on Friday Jesus was to go through 6 trials and be tortured and ridiculed throughout by the very people He had come to witness to and turn them from their ways.  But, no the religious leaders and the very members of the church ultimately passed the buck and asked that the Roman Government do away with this heretic and blasphemer as they called him.  Remember when Jesus gave the sermon on Mount Olives He called the leaders of the church hypocrites and vipers, These men would not forget the slights they had heard from Jesus and so they beseeched Pilate the Roman governor to try Him.  Yet Pontius Pilate could find no guilt in Jesus and wanted to return free Him.  The religious leaders call together were called the Sanhedrin would not accept Pilate's rule and forced him to take Jesus to trial before Herod Antipas, but because Jesus refused to talk Herod return Him to Pilate.  Jesus by this time had been beaten repeated, abused in so many ways physically and mentally as well as emotionally, but Pilate repeatedly tried to return Jesus to the people having Him beaten to beyond recognition to try and satisfy the selfish whims of the church leaders.  They would not hear of it and so Jesus was forced to carry His own cross, wear a crown of thorns pushed down on his head and beaten all the way from Jerusalem to the hill of Galgatha, where even as the nails were driven into His hands and feet the soldiers gambled for His clothes, cursed Him and spit upon Him and still as He was raised up on that cross between 2 condemned thieves, He cried out "Forgive them for they know not what they do".  Even then Jesus still looked upon those who just a week before praised Him and rejoiced in His coming to Jerusalem, with compassion and understanding.

Before the execution was complete more atrocities were to befall Jesus, His side would be ruptured by a legionnaires spear, shouts and insults would be hurled and He was forced to drink vinegar and hyssop which would only increase His thirst and agony as He hung there.  Jesus' trial, torture and execution were drawn out from Midnight Thursday night/Friday morning to Noon.  The next 3 hours the populace stood around and watched as He hung there on that cross, and it was right before 3pm that Friday afternoon that Jesus lifted up His head and cried out in such anguish and pain "My God, My God why hast thou forsaken Me" and in those final moments the cloudy afternoon sky parted and a ray of golden sunlight broke through the heavens and shone upon His face and a white dove was seen to alight from a bush startling several of the roman guards and it flew directly over the 3 crosses that stood upon Galgotha's Hill.

Why have I shared this with you?  Because I want to turn you away from the Easter Bunny, the baskets, the coloring of eggs and remind you of the true miracles that took place over this weekend and what it signifies to me and my faith.  Jesus knew His fate, the time and hour of His death before ever entering into the city.  He would preach to those that gathered around him on Tuesday morning on the steps of the temple and tell that He would be arrested and put to death.  Yet, through it all He stayed and did what was expected and required of Him.  Men and women have always feared death since the time of Adam and Eve, for knowing that death was to come to them was one of the many truths learned when they ate of the forbidden fruit, yet He remarkably accepted His fate, and only once did He ask the Father to change it and that was while He waited and prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane.  This is very significant to our walk of Faith for we should be fearless because through the sacrifice of Jesus, death has no hold over us any longer.  What else would I like you to know?  That He forgave those that persecuted, tried Him, condemned Him, and eventually killed Him.  But He didn't stop there, He heard the confession of the thief that hung next to Him and forgave Him too.  "He spoke that I will go there and prepare a place for you also".  So compassion, forgiveness and sorrow are traits that we as Christians should strive to emulate and share to the world around us.  But even more than that I would like to explain to you my belief as to why Jesus cried out in those final heartrending moments of His life "Why has thou forsaken Me?" In that instant Jesus felt the Father's gaze turn away from Him and He was troubled.  But in that moment it was not weakness, it was not fear, it was the acceptance of sin into Him and upon Him, for He was blameless and pure.  He took on our sins, now and forever, He became our sacrifice, He became the bridged that crossed the divide that resulted from Original Sin.  God could not look upon sin and took His eyes off of Jesus so that the promise of sacrifice could be fulfilled and the gap forever bridged.  Jesus became the intercessor.

But here are some other interesting things that you may not know that is significant about the Crucifixion of Jesus.  That golden beam of light that broke through the clouds and the white dove are both significant as well as the loud clap of thunder that took place as Jesus took His last breath.  The three things taken together are very significant indeed.  They mark the promise that God made to Abraham.  They also mark the end of being saved by Law.  Up until that point man was still under the law and yearly sacrifices had to be made and the high priest was the only one that could intercede on our behalf before God.  For you see the temple veil was torn in two, this veil separated the Holy of Holies from the rest of the temple and it was where God Himself resided on Earth in the temple.  Only the high priest was allowed to enter.  Thus it marked the old testament and as such we are no longer bound by the law, for we are no saved by grace.  Jesus' teachings if heeded give us all the necessary ingredients we need to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.  He only gave some very simple to follow rules and guidelines to follow.  So why is it so hard for today's Christians to get it together?  Why is there so much separation and strife within the Church?

In all of the teachings of Jesus, He stressed love for fellow man and to be accepting and forgiving.  Now many Bible scholar's believe that there are quite a few commandments given by Jesus throughout His ministry.  Yet, some of what these scholars deem as commandments are actually Jesus laying out the foundations for a whole new church that was not based on the original ten commandments that are in the Old Testament.  When Jesus was asked which is the greatest commandment Jesus replied " Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second Is love your neighbor as yourself." Jesus stated that "all the law and the prophets hand on these two commandments." This can be found in Matthew 22:36-40). I hope you realize that this is my interpretation and I did not write the versus directly as they appear in the Bible.  I also find that the Golden Rule pretty much summarized the statements above.   For those of you that don't know the golden rule it can be found in Matthew 7:12 and it goes like this "Do unto others what you would have then do unto you",again not the entire verse, but the meaning has not been altered.  Jesus said "children obey your parents so that your days upon the earth may be many" and "go out and be fishers of men." and  "I am the way the truth and the light no man may come before the Father without me."  To me this sums up what is now expected of us.  Again, Bible scholars list quite a few more, but they are self explanatory and show a stark difference from the original ten commandments.

Jesus wants us to love and honor one another, to build up and not tear down each other.  Our reward is not here on earth but when we get to heaven.  Life is our proving ground and as a believer we should strive daily to live our life as Jesus did.  None of us are perfect and we must pick ourselves up and rebuke sin and our wicked self daily.

Easter to me is about remembering the sacrifice of our Savior, and it is a celebration of His life, His teaching and His death and Resurrection.  It shouldn't be another merchant corrupted holiday that is carefully crafted with bunnies, baskets and eggs.  We should remember that through Grace we are saved and sanctified with salvation.  For without the blood shed by Jesus on that cross the great divide that existed between God and man caused by eating of the forbidden fruit wouldn't have been bridged.

This is the time for us to reach out to our fellow man with a hand of love and compassion, to give of ourselves and turn away from vengence.  We are to hate the sin and love the person, our greatest gift we can give to those around us is compassion and love.  How much better a place the world would be if it was full of love.  That we could break the bigotry and hate that is so prevalent today.  Beware of any church or organizations that teach divisiveness and intolerance.  Who ostracize others because the are different in some way or don't believe the way they do for this is not the teachings of my Lord and Savior.

So as I leave you tonight I would like to remind you that each and everyone of us was created in the image of God, but we are human and we make mistakes.  How we handle and come back from those mistakes makes us unique and stronger.  Each of us has within us the capacity to do great good or great evil and the line between the two is very thin indeed.  So, appreciate those that love and care for you, pray for those that don't and be ever vigilant.  Love often and completely, you will be amazed at how much love you get in return.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Tiny Boxes

I am sitting here tonight and I have dark thoughts running through my head.  Earlier today I was reading about star that have gone out of our lives by suicide.  Robin Williams was always someone that cheered me up and brightened my mood, no matter what he was performing in I was always interested.  He is gone by his own hand and it got me to thinking about the tiny boxes that surround each and everyone of us.  The boxes I am referring to are boxes we are placed in by others through stereotypes and labels.  Yet, that is just one type of box, I look out my window and I see all the boxes others live in and these too interest me.  But, no matter the type of box each one of them has a story hidden inside.

Most people never look behind the labels or stereotypes to see the person that is staring back at them, and in our own homes there is a drama all of our own that is also obscured and unseen.  It is getting dark outside now and the light in each window are coming on and I wonder if the people behind them are thinking about me like I am sitting here thinking about them.  I am not a solitary person, have never liked to be alone and have never experienced for any length of time being on my own and alone.  My story intersects with a so many different lives that I sort of have a vicarious life through them.  But these boxes hold secrets, tears, pain, fears, longings and so many other things that I cry out feeling for each one wondering who is in their life that is helping them deal with life and existence.

I have been categorized so many times in my life that I defy one specific stereotype, but yet I still feel isolated and alone.  I sit here with my computer and reach out in to the night hoping that someone out there is in a better circumstance just because they know me.  I wonder how many lives I have helped, changed, inspired or nurtured and might they remember me after I am gone.  When I am left alone too long I start to fear that I haven't done enough, been enough or hear enough.  I cry on the inside because I cringe and am afraid of myself and who I am.

So many people on Facebook and throughout my life have passed on through few have ever taken root and stayed for any length of time, and I wonder is it me?  Could I have been more? done more? said more? felt more?  I don't think I will ever know.  I have been myself and that is all that anyone can ask for.  Those few who have taken root and who are still around and in my life today our relationship has changed, we are scattered far apart and we only talk every once in a while maybe by phone, email, facebook or text, but it just isn't the same.

So as I write to you tonight I want you to think about the people around you that are at home in there tiny box, think about their story, their truth, because each and every light on in those windows has a person behind it and a story that is uniquely their own.  Just like you and I have.  I would encourage you to be a helper, companion, friend, someone others can talk to and depend on.  I think if we can all do that and break down the walls that separate us the world will be a much happier and prettier place.

I don't want to die alone or feel like I am not cared for or loved, because I know that I am.  But so are each of you.  We have to get past those boxes, those walls that separate us and reach out to others, we are social creatures and we need others around us and in our lives, or at least I do.  I am thinking about all of you tonight as I sit in my chair here in my home all alone and wonder what is you are doing while I am writing?  I don't think anyone really ever wants to be alone or intends to be alone it just sort of happens and as we get older, it is hard for us to socialize and get around.  Maybe take a trip to a nursing home and visit some of the folks shut in there.  Each one of them has a history and a past, a story that they can share with you and trust me you will be better for hearing it and being a part of their life.

Bette Midler had a song called "Hello in There"  and if you really listen to the song she is telling the story of how as people get older they are sometimes alone and forgotten, I don't want to be forgotten, and I definitely don't want to be alone, but I have no children of my own, and my brother is far away, and most of my friends are either in another state or another city and I don't get to see them much at all.

We need to take care of one another we are the only ones that can.

As always my hopes and dreams are with you,

Uncle B